DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW ISSUE #174 (Simple Version)

DRAGON LEE~! is RUSH’S~! brother~! TOM MAGEE~! suuuuuccccckkkkkssss~! PINK PRIDE NATION~! is the greatest tag team you never heard of~! DEAN~! fawns over TOMOHIRO ISHII~! TIMOTHY THATCHER~! KATSUYORI SHIBATA~! BRAZOS~! VILLANOS~! And MORE~!

HIYA~!

Welcome to the Death Valley Driver Video Review Issue #174

WEEKLY BITCHES~!

God – I don’t know whose brilliant idea this was (mine) but it was a stupid one. So… many… matches. No payolla reviews this week as y’all are slacking. Phil Schneider makes a cameo this week so there is that. Did I mention so… many… matches.

We will cover pretty much everything Dean wrote in the month of July but first, I love me some me.

RIPPA MAGICAL YOUTUBE JOURNEY

(by PHIL RIPPA)

GENICHIRO TENRYU/ HIROSHI WAJIMA vs. TIGER JEET SINGH/ KILLER TOR KAMATA (All Japan – 5/87 – Tokyo)

Picking where to start one of these Youtube journeys is always about strategy. I need something that will give me enough variety to let the weirdness flow. That is why tag matches are good since there are a lot more guys for Youtube and their baffling alogrhythms to work with. The problem though is that I picked a match with fucking Killer Tor Kamata and Tiger fucking Jeet Singh.

Fucking Tiger Jeet Singh. Well his hairy ass starts a brawl with Tenryu during the introductions. What is awesome about that is Wajima saying “Fuck All That Noise” and just grabbing a headlock on Kamata until everything settles down. It was like Wajima – a man who permanently looks like he wants you to buy at least three letter of the World Book Encyclopedia – waited Tenryu and Singh out like they were drunk fans flaingly at each other at a TNA taping. Of course, once they settled down – Wajima gets waffled in the ear with a chair by Singh because he (Singh) is a piece of shit. Long sections of Singh one offensive move (choking) and Kamata’s one offensive move (smothering people with folds of fat).

The pace of the match is what you would call… deliberate. I mean Wajima’s sumo background isn’t really tailored to go much faster than your average school zone speed limit. He clearly isn’t for everyone. I, however, always get a kick out quasi-old guys methodically trying to hurt you while paying of their hideous financial debts. So when Wajima does get fired up it is all sorts of cute and I am entertained.

I have no fucking reason why this had to end in a double count out. Fuck Tiger Jeet Singh.

HIROSHI WAJIMA vs. TOM MAGEE – All Japan (4/21/88)

“Oooh… Tom Magee.”

That is what I said when I saw this match in the suggestions. This was not because I was all TOM MAGEE! SUPER WORKER! BRET HART HAD THAT MYTHICAL MATCH WITH HIM!!! It was because A.) I need a match not uploaded by skk otherwise I would have spent all day on his channel and I already do that and B.) I have never actually watched a Tom Magee match. The man Vince McMahon called “the next Hulk Hogan” (again thanks to the mythical Bret Hart match).

God Bless. We used exaggeration a lot around here – mainly for the (supposed) comedic effect. In the case, there is no exaggeration when I say this is the worst match I have ever watched. Magee was an Adonis thanks to being a Canadian body builder (are you shocked that Vince had adjust his pants?). He looked like Conan Chris Walker’s not so long lost brother (or a Nise Chuck Palumbo if you prefer). The problem was outside of his looks there was nothing. Magee throws chops like Charlotte. I once said that Zeus threw forearm strikes like “…a guy in need of bifocals on a bad acid trip trying to fend off the wolf spiders.” Somehow Magee TRUMPED his shitty forearms. And he throws in the loosest definition of kicks too. He does some flips and posing because he can and you can see that he is blown the fuck up, which at a minute five into the match is impressive – assuming one is impressed by finding someone more out of shape than themselves.
Wajima – who remember had only been wrestling for two years – has the look of a man who is debating whether dining on a bullet is better than having to work his way out of debt. He lets Magee continue to play wrestler for a bit and then puts on a Boston Crab which Magee figures he needs to submit to. The match is 2 ½ minutes long.

(HA! In looking around – apparently this match was voted worst match of the year in the Observer. For once they got it right.)

WARLORD vs. CHRIS WALKER – WWF SUPERSTARS

Well clearly I brought this upon myself. Man – this is one of the few matches where Warlord is against someone more roided out than him. Which is really weird when Walker starts playing tiny guy who can’t muscle Warlord around. I give Walker credit though – he moves around way better than Tom Magee and the crowd clearly wants him to defeat that dastardly Warlord. He moves around well enough to take a crazy ass backdrop over the top rope to the floor. Perfectly fine late 80s Hoss Battle. Nothing offensive match to blow a whip into the corner and repeat the spot because these two geniuses were never going to figure out how to improve into something new. The finishing sequence is fun as Walker gets his hot spot with a top rope cross body for 2 (did I mention the crowd REALLY wanted Walker to win)? Walker then goes for a rana – yes, you read that right – which Warlord counters into a powerbomb for the three. I kinda want to watch some more Walker now to see if there is something to appreciate about his career. No I am not drunk. Though I should be.

BARBARIAN VS. GIANT WARRIOR – WWC

UNINTENTIONAL POWERS OF PAIN RUN!!! Oh man – the Barbarian in Puerto Rico could be amazing. Plus this is the Barbarian wears a dead animal carcass around period of his career. Giant Warrior is Jeff Bearden – a tree of a man trained by Dick Murdoch (AWESOME!) and Dory Funk Jr. (Oh…) (He is also Butch Masters and the fact that Masters worked CMLL and an All Japan Tag League makes me giggle).

Someone on commentary – I am pretty sure it’s Konnan – keeps calling Giant Warrior the “Gringo Warrior” which technically is correct but fucking infuriating. He also says Giant Baba a half a dozen times in less than 30 seconds so I am wondering if they are just playing word association as they are voicing this over.

The match itself is a fine heavyweight match with two guys trying to punch each other in the face. It would be the best thing on RAW show for like the last 18 months. My problem – and this is my own, not the match’s – is that if you are going to brawl and brawl in a baseball stadium in Puerto Rico, you need buckets and buckets of blood. This has none. So it might as well be on a RAW in the last 18 months.

Since Konnan is a racist (I am sticking with this whether or not Konnan is the one actually on commentary) when the run-in happens, Konnan speculates who it is based on every Asian person he has ever met “Hiro Matsuda! No… Fuji! No… Kim Duk!” (It was Kim Duk). Anyhoo – this sets up the rematch that is Barbarian/Kim Duk vs. Giant Warrior and Scott Hall (where Scott Hall turns on Giant Warrior because Giant Warrior is the Puerto Rican Sting. Oh SPOILERS~! Honestly – if you are bored, you can watch the match HERE because it really seems to be booked by Vince Russo.)

SUPERSTAR BILLY GRAHAM vs. MIL MASCARAS (WWF 12/19/77 – MSG)

WHY THE FUCK DO THESE THINGS ALWAYS END UP WITH A GOD DAMN MIL MASCARAS MATCH IN THEM??? Grr…. Now to be fair – this is 1977 so it is fairly spry annoying piece of shit Mil Mascaras, not old annoying piece of shit Mil Mascaras. We all chuckle as Vince on commentary basically says that everyone who wears a mask is a dirty cheater. Grand Wizard is out with Graham which displeases Mascaras. Mascaras goes to the back and gets Bob Backlund to counter Wizard’s presence. I kinda dug all of that because if we are going to stall, do it that way instead of aimlessly walking around the ring not doing shit. This match is a great example of how fucking great Graham was at selling (since Mascaras sure as fuck wasn’t going to do any selling). I continue to get frustrated with Vince commentary since – hatred of Mascaras aside – it’s fairly obvious that Mascaras is ripped as shit and give Graham a challenge in the strength department. But not to Vince – it’s all TIME TO SHIT ON THE SUPERSTAR~! time. Can’t imagine why Graham hated the fucking man for so long. Anyway – if you haven’t watched this, it is a master fucking class in how facial selling can add so much to a match. (It’s also a master class in how to comically sell being choked by tape. Fuck you Mil! And now the police come and escort Grand Wizard away because… reasons? Umm… okay. Jesus – is Graham making Mil climax with this bear hug. What the fuck is going on? Well after cleaning up – Mascaras gets his fiery comeback by bashing Graham’s head into the ring post and Graham taps a motherfucking vein. So the ref stops the match due to blood and y’all have to accept that for a long long time ref stoppages didn’t result in title changes (God that still makes no fucking sense.) Still, all things considered, this is one of the better Mascaras matches I have seen. Superstar Billy Graham might really be one of those underappreciated guys with the new generation of wrestling fans. Because since he didn’t raise his eyebrow a lot while flipping middle fingers and chopping crotch he clearly sucks. Man – now I am getting cranky over all the roids destroying Graham’s body.

ANDRE THE GIANT/EL CANEK/BIG JOHN STUDD vs. ANTONIO INOKI/SEIJI SAKAGUCHI/KENGO KIMURA – NEW JAPAN (1983?)

I am positive this match was talked about before but I don’t fucking care because and Andre match showed up and I am ending with a fucking Andre match. Studd is wearing a mask because… well Studd is wearing a mask. GI-GAN-TE! GI-GAN-TE! GI-GAN-TE! Whoops… got caught up with the crowd. AWESOME!!! Andre leads Canek and Studd in this elaborate handshake thing that makes it seem like they all just successfully pledged Sigma Theta Pi. I will never ever get tired of Inoki and Andre hating each other so when Andre shoos his partners out of the ring and starts yelling at Inoki “YOU! COME HERE!” we are entering the No Pants Necessary zone. FUCK HIM UP ANDRE! FUCK HIM UP! Yeah… I fucking hate Inoki but I love Inoki/Andre wars. Partly because it means bump freak Andre is in the House. I mean have YOU ever seen the crazy Andre takes a back drop spot? Second place in this match is Andre on the ring apron. John Cena (another great worker of the ring apron) needs to incorporate more yelling at guys. Studd just rammed Kimura into Andre’s head AND ANDRE MOTHERFUCKING LAUGHED IN HIS FACE! THIS MATCH IS MOTHERFUCKING #1 AND THE BEST!!! I fucking love professional wrestling. Man – there are so many other giants who could have been in this match besides Studd. Yes – I know I am being greedy. I mean he at least takes the ass whipping that Sakaguchi lays on him like a man. Of course, he also just stands there like a turd while Andre gets tied in the ropes and Canek gets pinned. I guess he had too much exercise for the day. Fuck – the WWE needs to book the Wyatts vs. Brothers of Destruction feud blow off just like this match. Sit Braun Strowman down and tell him to just be fucking Andre. That’s how you create a fucking new monster. Watch all of this.

~!~

VANGUARD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING – LIBERTY LOTTERY 2015 (July 25, 2015)
(by RIPPA)

Yeah… It’s always going to be Virginia Championship Wrestling to me. But anyway 804 REPRESENT~! as JT would say. They put their entire July show on Youtube which I discovered thanks to the Damien Wayne/Chase Stevens match. Shows opens with ANGLES~! so I am going post that part but get to the wrestling.

PLATINUM ENFORCERS (Phil Brown/CW Anderson) vs. THE REASON/LOGAN EASTON LAROUX

FUCK YES! Phil Brown and CW Anderson as all surly vets keeping youngsters in line. AWESOME! We even get a prematch Platinum Enforcers promo. You can’t see it but I am doing the CW hand signal. I am a dork. The Reason definitely looks like a indy version of D-Lo Brown. He should start shaking his head and wearing a chest protector. Laroux is pasty. He may or may not be doing a Yo Boy gimmick. I mean that definitely is an effective gimmick for a heel working Virginia. That is for sure. Our youngsters need to work on their strikes as currently it seems like a crime against humanity is happening when they try to reign blows in. They also probably should stop doing offensive moves where they land on their own neck (I am looking at you The Reason and your attempt at a cannonball into the corner. Things breakdown as we get too reliant on the enziguris and the leg slapping but Phil Brown throws one hell of a discus punch so there is that. Nothing memorable but an entertaining opener.

JEFFERSON EARLY vs. JAMES DALLAS HALL – VCW Commonwealth Heritage Championship

Hey Neil Sharkey! Hey Neil Sharkey still has a Tripod Page!

Man – Hall is a real man for putting the Commonwealth’s seal all over his tights. That is up there with anyone from Baltimore’s obsession with the Maryland flag. Take it to the mat my pudgy brothers! Hall is basically Chad Gable about about a baker’s dozen number of trips to Sugar Shack Donuts. And it totally works. Early’s visible muffin top also totally works. What doesn’t work is the shitty ref. I mean at least pretend to not see the blatant inference that you are staring right at. Anyway – Early does Three Amigos with the suplexes being slingshot suplexes so maybe Dean Ambrose can steal that next (they look far better than any rebound lariat shit.) God these two suddenly decide to bump like freaks. Fuck – the powerslam spot to the floor needs to be stolen. Man – this would be the greatest match in the state of Virginia this year if it wasn’t for all the terrible ref stuff. YES I AM STARING RIGHT AT JOE KING INTERFERING. I DON’T CARE. WE WILL PRETEND THIS IS NO DQ DESPITE IT NOT BEING NO DQ. Yeah – it gets way too Sports Entertainy at the finish but I totally need more James Dallas Hall in my life.

Hall gets jumped by Reason and Laroux after the match which leads to – THAT’S RIGHT DADDY – Ross Hall’s return. (Ross is James’ twin brother who had been doing a RH3 gimmick.) HALLSTARS ARE BACK BITCHES~!

GEORDIE BULLDOGS (Sean & Mark Denny) vs. PINK PRIDE NATION (“Fabulous” Frankie Fontaine/”Innocent” Isaiah Santero) – VCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

Oh man – Pink Pride Nation might be my favorite tag team I had never heard of until right now. And Holy Fuck – is Pink Pride Nation the greatest gimmick ever. Fabulous Frankie is the greatest bear to end all bears (who looks like an American Super Porky which makes it 10000X better) and Innocent Isaiah is a smooth young boy and the crowd fucking loves them. VIRGINIA GAY PRIDE BITCHES~! Now, if you ever wanted to see what a Briscoe Brother would look like wearing tassels, look no further than Sean Denny. Okay – so we have a gay tag team vs. British Hooligans AND THEY START STEALING SPOTS DIRECTLY FROM THE BRAZOS!!!! GREATEST MATCH EVER!!! (Watch the Brazos 8 man later on and you will know what I am talking about.) HA! AND THEN THEY DO A ZACK MORRIS TIMEOUT SPOT!!! FUCK YES!! A BILLION STARS!!! Lord – when your transition the most Southern Tag Team match ever is blocking a kiss with a superkick it is a brave, new world. Man, if we were doing the 500 right now, someone would have to calm me down from putting Sean Denny in the Top 50. Innocent Isiah might be the prettiest Ricky Morton ever. It all breaks down in the Norfolk Masonic Temple complete with Frankie hitting a top rope splash for the three and we have new tag champs and the crowd has lost its God Damn Minds. Fuck did I love this. Let’s see who tops this for match of the night.

DAMIEN WAYNE vs. CHASE STEVENS – US LIBERTY CHAMPIONSHIP

I BEAT DEAN TO THE DAMIEN WAYNE MATCH! SUCK IT!!! This sucker has a 45 minute time limit and I shudder at the thought of having to see Chase Stevens for that long. I am trying to think the last time I saw Chase Stevens. I am assuming TNA but it is good to know that Stevens still has access to the good PEDs. Just for the record – I prefer Damien Wayne terrifying children instead of as a face but it is kinda hard to be a heel nowadays for him, especially when he is basically wrestling in his backyard. This is different from pretty much ever Wayne match ever since it’s Wayne selling and selling and selling. Of course it’s awesome as Wayne drags he useless leg around the ring as Stevens sweats a lot. Eventually Wayne gets to the awesome punching and the Buddy Landell elbow drop is still as beautiful as ever. Wayne doesn’t get the victory with the top rope elbow because he reinjures his knee delivering it – so it totally makes sense as opposed to say hitting a reverse top-rana and standing Skytwister Press for a two count (Grr… fucking UK wrestling…). The finish is disappointing as there is some ref bump/belt shot horse shit but Wayne retains with a flash rollup. I am starting to think Preston Quinn is the most underappreciated trainer around just for the sole fact he worked with Wayne.

JAY STEEL vs. ASAAFI – VCW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

Asaafi is the Barbarian’s nephew. Jay Steel is not. This is a spirited sprint which I am happy they went in that direction instead of forcing Asaafi to wrestle forever. Kongo Kong he is not. Steel really needs to start tucking his head more or he is gonna die taking a Samoan Drop. Good Lord. The finish is either blown or stupid as we go with Asaafi getting pinned after clearly raising his shoulder at 2. Fine for what it was.

9th ANNUAL LIBERTY LOTTERY MATCH

Liberty Lottery = 20 Man Royal Rumble. The winner gets a title shot in the next year for a title of their choosing. And the clip is 43 minutes long. I better pack a fucking lunch. JOE KING is out first since he lost a match last show. He also won the very first Liberty Lottery match so BACKSTORY~! (His former name was Krotch so maybe doing the weird Prince Devitt face paint with the world’s most generic name is a step up.) #2 is ROMONUS a masked guy that everyone acts like they have no fucking clue who he is. I am sure this won’t come up again during this match. Actually it comes up five seconds later as Damien Wayne hobbles out (still selling his hurt knee. PROFESSIONAL~!) and yells “I KNOW IT’S YOU PRESTON!!!” and yanks Romonus out of the ring. (Quinn had been indefinitely suspended hence him doing a quasi Midnight Rider gimmick.) That’s teasing Wayne vs. Preston Motherfucking Quinn. My body is totally ready.

#3 is JERRY STEPHANITISIS. I kinda ignore talking about VCW’s heel manager for the entire show but now I am forced too. Well anyway that takes up the 90 seconds until… Oh fucking hell… BLAKE CHADWICK is announced. Chadwick is the announcer whose last show happens to be this one. So now we have to sit through heel manager vs. face announcer because… reasons. Woof… that might be the worst stunner ever. As you would expect – Chadwick eliminates Stephanitisis and then gets dumped himself by Joe King so RESET~!

#5 is INNOCENT ISAIAH. It looks like we got the sports entertaining out of the way. Nope – I am an idiot since the next guy out is LOGAN EASTON LAROUX and he goes straight to the broadcast table because IF WE DID IT IN WWE WE MUST DO IT HERE! Grr.. THE REASON is #7 so I guess we are at least setting up the next tag title match as Reason and Laroux working over Isaiah would seem to point us in that direction. #8 is “The Dustman” MARK ANTHONY. #9 is BIG MC 123… a white guy doing a PN News gimmick in 2015. Umm… Fight the Power… Y’all.

Former VCW Heavyweight Champ JOHN KERMON makes his return next. He appears to not have hit the gym in the two years he has been gone but I haven’t hit the gym in… oh… 15 years so whatevs. Kermon tosses Mark Anthony right as COUNTRY KIDD enters. How Kidd doesn’t spell country with a K is a mystery to me. Kidd gets the “New Guy House of Fire” Rumble spot. Well except he doesn’t eliminate anyone which is kind of a problem. So much clutter. DEVIN LOPEZ adds to the cluster. Aww… all the guys finally gang up on the fat guy and they fail at it because why should anyone actually be eliminated. One thing I am learning is that guys really need to stop doing skin the cat spots because with ring ropes this loose we have been real close to some accidental eliminations. #14 is BRANDON SCOTT last year’s runner up. #15 is FABULOUS FRANKIE and I gotta assume something is gonna happen now. And by something I mean kissing Big MC.

HEY! An elimination! The Reason is dumped by Devin Lopez. Reason is bitter so pulls Lopez out and gives him a uranage to the floor so put a bookmark in the plucky underdog being dead on the floor but not eliminated angle. #16 is VICTOR GRIFF. So… many… tassels… The dead weight finally starts to go as King and Laroux are both gone within seconds of each other. #17 is ANDY SOMMERS who has a Baywatch gimmick and possibly the WORST tattoo I have ever seen in wrestling (and just think of the ground that covers.) Who the fuck gets a giant fucking Rorschach test on their pelvis? Somewhere along the line Fabulous Frankie got eliminated so that definitely clears out some bulk. #18 NATE DOGG. No it is not former 213 member Nate Dogg (R.I.P.) KEVIN CROSS is our penultimate entry while Sommers takes his leave. Oh there goes Devin Lopez too. This has already gone on far too long.

And now I have realized that either I fucked up the numbers or VCW fucked up the numbers. Either way I don’t care so your other penultimate entry is BENJAMIN BANKS. So that is why Big MC is still around so portly former tag team partners can collide. The final entry (because he won it) is CHATCH… a homeless luchadore. Right… Hey Chatch, maybe if you hadn’t spent so much money on terrible ink, you wouldn’t be homeless.

Oh Fuck This – I am skipping to the end because I got shit to do. The final three is Griff and Kermon as the heels up against Scott. Griff attempts to dump both, only gets Kermon, celebrates and Scott chucks him to take the victory…. Except during the celebration Romonus returns, and knocks out Scott to claim he won (working under the assumption that since Damien Wayne wasn’t in the match, Romonus is still in the match.) So your big match ends with a long ass ref discussion all to declare that Scott is the winner. Way to kill that.

~!~

There’s no turning back now- I’m under attack now- I see the skies are open

And I hear the word spoken- SINGLES GOING STEADY You only perceive

what you believe- You need only believe to believe- What do you know?- What do you know?

~!~

AOI KIZUKI/ KAYOKO HARUYAMA vs COMMAND BOLSHOI/ KYOKO KIMURA (JAPANESE WOMEN PRO-WRESTLING PROJECT- 3/22/2015)
(DEAN)

I haven’t been into Joshi Puroresu in (I counted the years the other day) about 15 years. There are a lot of Japanese women wrestlers whose entire careers have elapsed and I didn’t see a single one of their matches. My waning interest are for reasons understandable, but I can’t imagine that you would give a shit so let’s get right to the veiled masturbation jokes and thus get on with the rest of our lives. Anyway, I’ve been watching a lot of ladies wrestling lately and WAVE seems to have the matches that don’t seem like worn out old people remembering when they would draw bigger crowds. Actually, JWP running shows in a garage is what made me look away from the once proud Joshi Puroresu and not turn to look again until 2015. 23 Year vet Command Bolshoi (1) (whom I always assumed was CommandER Bolshoi until THIS VERY DAY) and the 38 year old Kyoko Kimura (whom I’ve watched in a couple of WAVE matches and dug quite a bit- as she isn’t the best worker on earth but will lay it in. Laying it in is pretty much my wrestling characteristic that divides matches I will watch from matches I will no longer watch) take on the 26 year old Aoi Kizuki (2) (which is another thing that strikes in my personal JOURNEY! OF! LADY! WRESTLING! REDISCOVERY!- when Ice Ribbon first came out, goddamn was it the creepiest fucking thing on earth. 12 year old little girls training to be in the harshest and most violent thing you can do as a Japanese woman. I mean it was fucked up enough When GAEA GIRLS came out you saw what 16 year olds went through. The thing now is that you have this- Kizuki is 26 years old and has ten years of ring experience. Which is nothing really, Joshi now has 19 year olds with 5 years of experience. I mean, it’s Japan, so you roll with the weirdness but it also means that we SHOULD be on the cusp of a Joshi Golden Age. You have dozens of wrestlers who are just approaching their physical prime but who have already worked 150 matches. THUS, a fan of pro wrestling should definitely become re-engaged with Joshi- because even if a golden age doesn’t dawn, the reasons for it not dawning will be just as fascinating and educational.) Kayoko Haruyuma is 36 (3) and I have pretty much missed her entire career. Let’s watch, shall we? This is the finals of some tournament. The last time I saw a Bolshoi match I actually cared about was prolyl the Hikari Fukuoka match- because Hikari Fukuoka was very very pretty and also had the most preposterously awesomely ridiculously dangerous finisher- the Moonsault Stomp. I mean, come on. How can one ever predict where one would actually land? It was fascinating. Bolshoi took one of the nastiest Moonsault Stomps right to the rib cage. Actually, looking back in hindsight, EVERYBODY who took one took the nastiest. It was an insane finisher all around. I have footnoted the Fukuoka/Bolshoi nastiness as (4). Meanwhile, back here in the modern world, one notices that this is- Jesus Christ, this is prolly 40 minutes long! So. This will be one of those reviews like in the old days, where the wrestling reviewer would review a match, you would have no access or inkling of desire to watch said match- thus the review was the thing. Could the reviewer make the review interesting enough to make you glad you read it even though you will never see the match? I mean come on. If I wasn’t reviewing this, I would probably wait for one good forearm by Kyoko Kimura, throw it up on the Best Internet Matches of 2015 thread and get on with my life- like those IWRG lucha matches that are really good but go on forever and nobody has REALLY stuck with them to the end. Probably. If you stay to end, then good for you. I’ll eat a bug. But fuck it, I’m in it to win it. Kizuki has a strange 50s hairstyle and the other three are veterans- will it be enough to carry a viewer to the finish line? Well, I’m going find out. I’ll tell you how it goes. Kimura and Haruyama start it off and they do actually LAY IT IN. If not for this,this match would be dismissed out of hand in my psychotic world of wrestling viewing. Bolshoi comes in and actually beats on the youngish Kizuki and then goes into your basic 1995 New Japan Juniors pseudo-lucha surfboard variations. They do have to kill 30 minutes so I could see this, I suppose. Kimura comes in and fishhooks the perky Kizuki while Bolshoi surfboards her and then they keep pinching her cheeks- as if to say, “Yeah yeah yeah, your young and spunky. Go fuck yourself.” Kazuki is impressive and will take an assbeating- as Bolshoi does a first rope Tarantula and then just stomps on her back in the middle of the ring. Kizuki does the OLD SCHOOL Tony Atlas two finger Mongolian chops to the trapezius muscles baby face COMEBACK~!before getting cut off by Kimura. Kimura stomps on Kizuki all the way to the floor and they brawl on the floor and my love- for Kimura- and her oldness- that makes her assholishness justified- grows. Kizuki sells the continued assbeating like a champ- rolling around in pain and finally rolling over to tag in Haruyama, who appears to have grown into her womanliness so she has a little more heft to her punches and kicks. Bolshoi still has the girth of her teenage frame so it looks hurtier when the larger Kizuki and womanly larger Haruyama crash into in the corner and land on the teeny clown in the middle of the ring. Kizuki looks good on offense. She’ll knee you in the stomach with authority. After 25 years, I still don’t really buy Bolshoi on offense- but it isn’t annoying like it was in 1995. Damn, Kizuki will bring all of her girl chub raining down on wee Bolshoi with a toprope senton, an impressive looking mave that I would have liked Bolshoi- the oldest wrestler in the ring- to have actually sold a little. Kimura beats on Kizuki a bit, continuing to work on the back until Haruyama makes the save and Kizuki hoistes and catapults Harumi’s largerness onto a prone Kimura and that had to suck. After a few nearfalls, we move into Haruyama and Kimura doing a submission section and it is really strong style as Harayuma sand bags Kimura’s attempt to suplex out of choke. Fuck yeah, I’ll take that. Then they start beating on each other and suddenly it’s Yuji Okabayashi punching Kohei Sato in the face. And this gets real good. Kimura then sinks a rear choke en lieu of a front choke and Haruyama has to fight for the rope break. If you are going long and have to fill time with superfluous mat work, this is good way to go about it- good psychology on the two chokes and good execution of beating the hell out of each other. The more you watch the other three lay it in, the less you want to see the junior heavyweight moveset of Bolshoi. Haryuyama sells her beating like an angry yet worn out older lady and her offense is compelling because of this- thus you back her lariats for a two count hundred per cent. I’m not an asshole and saying that Haruyama is fat, I’m saying that she is 36 and has grown into her body frame and carries her weight like you want a wrestler to carry it. She does a leg drop off the top and it feels like it actually hurts when you see it drop- as opposed to, say, Kiari Hojo’s far more spectacular toprope elbow drop- which looks like it hurts because she would HAVE to do all of the gymnastic histrionics to make it actually hurt because she appears to weigh 91 pounds. Haryuama has the size that would make it appear that she was going to legit kill someone if she got completely horizontal in midair and crashed down on the clavicle of an opponent. It’s the difference between your local 180 pound indie guy dropping an elbow and Greg the Hammer Valentine dropping an elbow. They start beating on Haruyama and she is really good at selling the damage- even to the point of not being able to make a cover after TRANSITIONING~! to offence. Which she does with a really nasty looking Air Raid Crash (as we used to call it back in the day) and then hits a fucking nasty top rope leg lariat. It’s really cool to watch Haruyama completely take over the match, set the pace and make the timing of the lariat make it look as nasty as possible- as she crushes Kimura and gets the 3 count. Man, that was pretty good and it makes me wonder what they do for the other 19 minutes. So yeah, YOU COULD ACTUALLY WATCH THIS! It’s only like 25 minutes and Haruyama is really impressive in this. Kinda makes me wish that the first match I see of hers wasn’t 17 years into her career. WORD~!

ENDNOTES:

1. http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=4803&name=Command+Bolshoi
2. http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=6020&name=Aoi+Kizuki
3. http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=4897&name=Kayoko+Haruyama
4. (Whatever Dean was linking to here is now dead – Rippa)

~!~

BLUE PANTHER/ SUPER PORKY/ TITAN vs KRANEO/ OLIMPICO/ RIPPER  (CONSEIL MONDAIL DE LUCHA LIBRE (or whatever it is) 6/26/2015)
(DEAN)

I love Kraneo. He used to be Mascara Sagrada or he devoured the body of Mascara Sagrada and thus got the right to assume his identity. It’s Mexico, they have a lot of weird rules about wrestling. Either way, he’s a big fat guy who does truly painful moves and will land on a technico with total splatty fatness and you, the viewing get to laugh at the agony of the fit athletic technico who was crushed by a guy who weigh’s more that his refrigerator. I also like Mije, his mini sidekick. I like him because he’s not there to be a koala-like adorable mascot for the kids to love, Mije is true sinister evil in an adorable teeny outfit. He’ll headbutt you in the teeth and laugh as he hides behind his gargantuan patriarch. Here, our boy Kraneo is tagged with the perfectly forgettable Olimpico and the even more nothingness of Ripper. Maybe they do interesting things in a match but I can never pay attention enough to notice- as I am spending the whole time they are wrestling waiting for Kraneo to tag in. I mean, you know, nice armdrag, Ripper. Kraneo weighs 400 pounds and will land on you like a tree branch falling through your living room ceiling. Tag out. They take on Titan, who I also like in way that may not include me not being able to pick out which one is Titan if he is in with wrestlers with similar masks. He does that Matrix thing, right? No? Yes? We’ll move on. Blue Panther is in this match, and I assume he will do some interesting mat things with Olimpico and Ripper but I will spend the whole time saying, “Good keylock, guys. You know Kraneo is really fat and will hit a tope that will be akin to an elderly driver killing 14 people at a farmer’s market. Let’s wrap this section up.” Meanwhile, Super Porky is also fat but in a Honeymooners kind of hilarious way, not a guy who used to be tall but put on a bunch of weight and is now completely out of control in a “no longer gives a shit about you, his own horrible life and this whole fucking stupid world” kind of way. It’s cathartic and one of the reasons YOU get wrestling and all the other people in your life are fucking idiots. Thus why I am excited about Kraneo and not excited about Super Porky in the ring- unless you get our Brazo in with Rey Escorpion and they want to make you wonder if it’s suddenly not a work anymore because of the ridiculous level of real violence you are witnessing. But that was yesterday. This match is all about Blue Panther and Olimpico taking it to the mat. My reaction was predicted above. Titan and Ripper are actually pretty fun on the mat and I did not predict that. THEN. SUDDENLY. IT’S…. FAT ON FAT! Kraneo is getting a real Mabel vibe to his body shape. He is also getting a real WWE Diva Implants vibe about his hefty manly jugs. This can only lead to more depression and more midnight trips to Krispy Kreme- thus the circle continues. The first fall is finished off with basic pedestrian first caida rudo crappiness- listless half-ass finishers, perfunctory roll-ups, you know the first fall drill these days. Let us breath deep, accept the reality of the situation and wonder and wait for Mije to make our lives a little better. The Segunda Caida ring girl is a stunning red head and young enough to be my third oldest daughter. I weep into the night about my wasted life and comtemplate going Full Kraneo into my 50s. Then I remember that fried chicken hurts my stomach now. I couldn’t gain weight now if I wanted to. I haven’t had a significant amount of beer in me in like 12 years now. Hey, maybe I got a shot with this CMLL ring girl. The problem here, is the same thing I tell my wife when we talk about things- even if I WASN’T repellent, I simply don’t have the ENERGY. So, Enough of that. Second Caida involves Olimpico dancing to segue into Kraneo and Mije crushing the road worn junk of the aging Blue Panther. Our spirits are lifted and we remember why we love the pro wrestling and especially the Mexican pro wrestling. Jerks who don’t watch Mexican wrestling have the weight of the world bear down on them and crush them. We few, we lucky few, who watch the lucha libre can have our spirits lifted by a colorfully dressed 3 foot nam crushing the balls of another man of normal size. Take that to the bank. The life experience bank! YES! The second caida TURNS on Ripper and rudo company trying to Super Bomb (awwww, the Pitbulls. Frowning face of understanding and pity.) Titan who (eventually) ranas out of it and gets the pin on Ripper- which is a lot more impressive in slow motion. We start the third fall with Titan monkey flipping Kraneo gigantic ass onto the ramp section. Kraneo falling through the earth would be less of a surprise than the ramp holding him, but we squelch our wonder. Titan attempts to run and shove his entire head up Kraneo’s ass. It is baffling and so quick that you might miss it. Olimpico and Super Porky begin the procession of things that lead to Super Porky placing his gigantic ass on rudos. His use of fatness to crush folks is impressive as he splashes groin first into the pile of evil. Titan and Ripper go all strong style! And then they do flying back breakers! And they flip around and stuff! Titan does the handstand sequence into a headscissors thing that I had confused with the Matrix stuff- or maybe he does both or maybe they need technicos that don’t all blur into one big wad of perfectly fine highflier who is pretty good on the mat but does nothing to really make you remember any of them. And on and on and on and on until KRANEO FINALLY comes in and crushes Titan with waistline busting leg drops. Titan some how uses Kraneo’s weight against and hits the Swollen Can of Ham Small Package. Kraneo crushes poor Blue Panther’s skull with his gigantic fat ass by run into it in the corner- THUS allowing Ripper and Kraneo to Double Vertically Suplex Super Porky to allow Ripper to hit a frog splash for the win. Mije is ecstatic which makes you feel better and everything is right with the world. The one thing I took away from this match was that Kraneo didn’t do much this outing and Super Porky did way more than I remember him usually doing. I mean that a big back bump for a man his age much less his size. So here’s to you Brazo de Plata. I am unwriting you off.

~!~

DRAGON LEE/ STIGMA/ TRITON vs BOBY ZAVALA/ KAMAITACHI/ OKUMURA (CMLL- 6/29/2015)
(DEAN)

Dragon Lee is Mistico II’s brother and is also Rush’s brother- so it is one of my favorite lucha bunches of brothers. Stigma is mixed in with the other thousand CMLL technicos that I would have to pay a lot more attention to tell apart. I remember liking Triton but I can’t actually pinpoint why. I think he had the suplex hold finisher that I thought was pretty slick or something. Maybe he did the Matrix thing. Who knows? Anyway, Okamura is one of my favorite rudos- lays it in, always in position, good psychology- everything you want in a wrestling. Zavala is also really good for the same reasons- looking all the world like Joe Lider’s clean cut non-garbage wrestling brother. Jesus, I just looked up Boby Zavala in Wikipedia- 1) I have spelled his name wrong every single time I ever spelled it until five minutes ago, 2) he does not appear to be Joe Lider’s brother no matter how much that would have ruled in a story-telling way, 3) he is only 24 years old! Wow, he debuted when he was 16 years old. Most kids cut grass or work the drive through. Further Wikipedia reading informs one that Kamaitachi lost his mask to Dragon Lee! How did I gloss over that? Oh right! There is a lot of wrestling in the world and I can’t keep up with everything. I got four kids, two dogs, three cats and an angry wife. Plus the CFL is in swing and VCU players are in the NBA summer league and- whoa!- Marcus Thorton from William and Mary is really lighting it up for the Celtics this summer. Plus I work nine hours a day. What do you want from me? Oh right, to pay fucking attention to matches of note. I’ll work on that. Anyway.

That should add a layer of intrigue to this match, one would think. So let’s get on with it. Triton and Kamaitachi start the proceedings with Kamaitachi taking a cue from Nakamura and being all elaborate and emotional in his assholishness. Okamura stomps on Dragon Lee and Kamaitachi beats on him FOR TAKING HIS MASK~! HE TOOK HIS MASK! BACK IN MARCH! Zavala lays in the chops and the kicks to the face and you can see why he is in with the Japanese contingent- as he will also lay it in. He crushes Stigma’s testicles in that way that doesn’t get called illegal in Mexico to my eternal embafflement. Okamura DDTs Triton for the first fall and we await the array of highflying to take up the body of the second fall, one supposes. En lieu of highflying, Kamitachi tries to rip off Dragon Lee’s mask because HE TOOK HIS MASK! I LINKED TO IT UP THERE! BACKSTORY, MOTHERFUCKER! (Note from Rippa – actually linked below…). They then armdrag Dragon Lee into the ring on a dead run. Continuing on, the second fall is rudos being evil and crushing more of the groin of Triton. Okumura goes old school with the jaw breaker to set up to allow Zavala to rip the eye of Triton’s mask! Because Rudos Do THAT! Then they kick Stigma a bunch and then Kamiatachi kicks him dead in the face and I weep at the innate beauty of him kicking that guy in the face. So they stomp on Dragon Lee and Kamaitachi tries to exact REVENGE~! But dropkicks fly everywhere to save the technicos and Triton hits a really nice cross-body to set up his really nice standing rana. It appearsd to be basic in-ring high-flying! Let’s bring it back! Like Angel Azteca back in the day! Third fall starts with Dragon Lee making Kamaitachi his bitch a second time by landing a mile high dropkick into the corner. Kamaitachi says crawls out of the ring and is followed up the ramp by Dragon Lee who taunts him to FIGHT LIKE A MAN! Kama, being a rudo, gestures for the young technico to go fuck himself. Yes, my love for rudo Kamaitachi is growing more and more each day. Meanwhile, to my delight and surprise, Triton does some super-slick in-ring high-flying that Okumaura rudos to perfection, by being where he is supposed to be and leaning into the flipping and flying like a KING- and I dig this match for the weirdest reasons. Dragon Lee and Kamaitachi start finally beating the hell out of each other and it’s pretty great. Kamaitachi hits the Through The Ropes Shoulder To The Post Bump because Kamaitachi is fucking awesome. Triton hits the beyootiful Asai Moonsault and crushes Okamura flat. Triton hits the crazy bounce off the middle rope somehow tope con hilo. MEANWHILE. KAMAITACHI. Having learned the WAY of the rudo, comes one step closer to mastering it by ripping off Dragon Lee’s mask when the ref isn’t looking and rolling him up for the 1-2-3!~! REVENGE! IT IS REVENGE~! We want BLOOD!

So yeah, this was good.

~!~

DRAGON LEE vs KAMATIACHI (CMLL – 3/20/2015)
(DEAN)

This is the Mask versus Mask match. A little of how the sausage is currently being made: lately, I’ve been going through my Dailymotion and YouTube Watch Later lists at night- while watching whatever THESE DAMN KIDS WANT TO WATCH (lately, America’s Got Talent a.k.a. Daddy’s Gonna Shoot Himself In The Fucking Head If This Thing Doesn’t End. Hahaha! I kid. That Howie Mandel is a delight….) on my pc on the side and start with stuff that I figure will suck, and that I would not put myself through to review. THEN, if something jumps out at me while casually checking in on said maligned match, I’ll save it. Thus, the NOZAWA vs MAZADA match that I will review at some point still lives on my list because they did fun brawling things in the crowd at the beginning and it was enough to PIQUE~! my interest. Meanwhile…. these two Dragon Lee vs Kamaitachi matches are also sitting here though I always intended to review them- because I love the whole Dragon Lee family and I think they are the gears that drive my current Luchga fandom, but they are still sitting here because the time has to be right. Writing about Lucha is tough. The psychology is completely different from other styles. Things that one hates in other style, one will celebrate in Lucha. You gotta be on your game or it will EAT YOU ALIVE! LIKE I AM A LARGE MOUTH BASS AND THE LUCHA IS A BEAR! A BEAR IN A CAPE! But I am feeling strong. I just had the beef with vegetables from Lucky China and the hot and sour soup, so I am energized! I am ready to stare into the maw of the Lucha bear and smack the salmon of analysis out of it’s frothing be-fanged mouth! FUCK YEAH! YEAH! Yeah! Yeah. Yep. So here we go. Dragon Lee is Rush and Mistico II’s brother. He is very young and is a pretty spectacular highflier like his Mistico brother. Kamaitachi is a great young rudo and I don’t remember ever seeing him in New Japan but I dig just about everything he’s done in CMLL. Kamaitachi starts the match by beating the hell out of the slender Dragon and quickly gets the first fall with a really nasty High Angle German Suplex rolled through to another High Angle German with a Bridge for the pin. This is quality execution of a German Suplex Hold. Second fall, he takes Lee to the floor and drives him into the rail which leads to a Vertical Suplex on the ramp, another execution of a hold. The young and Slender Dragon is taking an assbeating and Kamaitachi is supplying it, as young Lee only gets in a single chop before taking a the full fury of his counterpart- the best being the mad phat air Dragon Lee gets up to after being thrown into the ring from the ramp. Dragon Lee goes the extra mile and you have to appreciate it. They stay on the top turnbuckle for the rest of the caida, doing two swanky tree-of-woe spots: Kamaitachi drop kicking while running from the other cornmer and Lee hitting the dropping double dropkick off the top turnbuckle to the prostate and helpless Kamitachi for the second fall. They wrap up the first two falls in 7 minutes- (unless they were edited. AND WHO COULD BE SURE! Those who were there live of course, but STILL!) I wonder if the truncating of the first two falls is a concession to AAA getting rid of three falls? Here they just might as well have two nearfalls and I assume that the last five minutes of this will a lot of nearfalls. Maybe the story of the match is laid out like a 15 singles match and these two falls were cursory salutes to keeping of Lucha tradition. Either way, at this juncture, it feels like the match officially starts now. The ring girl taunts me with the youth and beauty- as if I would have had a chance back when I was youthful and beautiful at her age. Ah, I wouldn’t have gone for her anyway, I like an offbeat beauty. Someone with a face tattoo. Dragon Lee starts right in hitting the really fucking beautiful Tope Con Hilo after the in-ring rana- and man does our boy Dragon Lee get some height on his high-flying. Then he makes with the dropkicks into the corner for two,- AHEM. And I guess the first fall was important when I think about it, because now it doesn’t seem odd here that the technico is mauling the rudo. So yeah, I added a LAYER OF SUBTEXT TO ANALYSIS OF THE WRESTLING MATCH~! But note that it says “AT THIS JUNCTURE” where I wrote that, so I was conjecturing about the future. And yes, my conjecture was not actually based in events that actually take place three sentences later. But I think this internal dialogue helps both of us appreciate the psychology of the match more. I am here for you. GOTTDANG! Kamaitachi transitions to offense by Super Kicking Lee to the floor and hitting the motherfucking ULTRACRAZY running SUWA Double Power Dropkick running off the apron. That looked fucking crazy all the way around. This is match already fucking spectacular. Kamaitachi hits a super kick and does the Arrogant Standing With One Foot On His Chest Pin Attempt Of A Guy Who Is Obviously A Dick! THEN! A powerbomb after stumbling around on the first Powerbomb! Lee fucking leans into being posted on the apron and I would expect blood- but these kids today… Lee fights out of a toprope suplex attempt and then hits a fucking aaaawwwwesome dive over the toprope to Kamitachi on the apron into a rana to the floor. Jeeez, that was fucking impressive. Then they completely blow a rana attempt off the apron to the floor- as it looks like Kamaitachi thought he was just doing a running senton and didn’t catch him for the rana and they both kinda land on their heads. Lee then makes Kamaitachi to this whole cheerleading routine when he has to fly up and around Lee’s body to finally get into position to be Falcon Arrowed. It looked as preposterous as a Canadian Destroyer- but this would be the point where you would champion the elaborate stupidity of a move in Lucha but then you would villify it if you saw the same thing in ROH. (Replace the word “you” with the word “me” in the last sentence.) Lee clobbers Kamitachi with one of the only dropkicks on a guy sitting down that has actually impressed me in the time that that spot has become the new headlock- as he catches him right under the chin. Kamaitachi counters out of the pinning predicament and sinks in the Step Over Toehold Front Facelock! Lee escapes and they trade German Suplexes. They then have an awkward dropkick spot. Dragon Lee is inconsistent- but his breathtaking highspots are way on the high end, and his crappy execution on other things isn’t in the realm of horrendous- so in final analysis, he is winning this war of execution of wrestling spots. Kamitachi does the fucking INSANE top turnbuckle Senton to Lee on the floor. Last time I saw something like that, Great Sasuke cracked his skull. Baby Richard is fucking great in this match, making all the nearfalls like the equivalent of a 6 count. Kamaitachi does the really great dropkick running off the ramp over the toprope into Lee in the middle of the ring. I love Kamaitachi for his general great great rudoness but he can whip out the lunatic Lucha Libre offense with the best of them. Kamaitachi places Lee on the toprope and punches him in the face. Lee counters with all kinds insane dropkicks on the apron and really insane one over the toprope to Kamaitachi on the floor. Lee then gets Kamitachi in the ring and hits the perfect Phoenix-Plex, the fucking craziest finisher currently being used.

FOR THE WIN! Kamaitachi should count his blessings that a.) Dragon Lee wasn’t having a lapse in execution when hitting the Phoenix-Plex and didn’t paralyze him, and b.) that he doesn’t have to wear that wool and carpeting mask anymore. That thing had to be sweltering. What a fucking highspot-drenched match. Yeah, I’m usually immune to that kind of stuff these days but I usually never actually sit down and get to be absorbed by the story of the match. This was a match that was deeply enhanced by the highspots, as opposed to what these usually are, highspots in place of a wrestling match. Could have used some blood. But yeah, in about four places you go, “What the fuck were they thinking?” I got to dig that.

~!~

YOSHIHIRO HORAGUCHI vs KOUKI IWASAKI- DDT DNA- 7/1/2015- [RASMUSSEN]

Last time DDT posted a bunch of DNA matches on their YouTube site, Yuji Hino and Diasuke Sekimoto were beating some discipline and experience into their rookies. This go around, a much stranger batch of MEN-TORZ~! are on board which also includes the ever exciting Kengo Mishimo. I know I haven’t gotten down to the end of the weird ass NOAH SEM matches and here I am going into the DDT version of the same idea. A man must follow his bliss. According to Cagematch.net (my lover, my friend), Iwasaki is a rookie and he was trained by UWFi superstar Kenichi Yamamoto? I find that startling and strange. Horaguchi is a K-Dojo guy and he has been wrestling 2 years. Let’s see what they got. Okay fellas, you got ten minutes. Bring us the magic. Iwasaki starts out like he was trained by Yamamoto- all kicking and stuff. Then he reminds you that UWFi was as much a work as any other wrestling organization and does an armwringer- as they do a lot of things that rookies do in rookie matches to show you that they were taught how start a match and that they aren’t backyarders and are trained and shit. Horaguchi goes for the Top Wristlock and they run the ropes and do some hip tosses. Horaguchi kicks him in the face and then they stand up in the middle of the ring and start beating the hell out of each other. FUCK YEAH! Yeah, keeping it simple does mean it has to be boring. Hell, some of the best wrestling matches on earth were based around the story that one guy is tougher than the other guy and what me punch him in the face a bunch. Horguchi procures a fucking CRAVATE! This match is fucking awesome! For a Rookie match! Goddamn, neither of these guys are afraid to lay it in. THEN, Horaguchi does hit a hilariously weak looking kneedrop, THUS this is a rookie match by the way. Horiguchi is good at controlling the match and knowing when to let loose the forays into stiffness. Iwasaki does the nice Snap Suplex after hitting three very not Shoot Style kicks to the corner. Actually, Horaguchi is deeply pro style in his kicks and punches but they look a lot better than Iwasaki’s STRIKING~! Hell, Iwasaki’s Bionic Elbow is perfectly fine. Iwasaki procures the Cross Armbreaker and Horaguchi hits the ropes to allow Iwasaki to go for his Butterfly Suplex finisher! But Horaguchi hits a COMPLETELY hilarious Savate Crescent Spin Moon Kick! that looked a lot like an ode to the Cat Ernest Miller than Maeda-Fujinami 89, I await the Iwasaki to.. do… whatever Glacier ever did. Horiguchi makes up for it with a Vertical Suplex. Horiguchi is really good at Pro Style stuff and should never ever stray from that. As he hits a fucking amazingly hilarious SCISSZZZAHHHHHH KICK! Iwasaki counters by punching him in the face and they go back to killing each other with forearms and my wrestling laughter turns to wrestling love. They trade kicks and it’s actually pretty good. Oof, Iwasaki does the awesome Butterfly Lift to crush his stomach with a kick to set up the Butterfly Suplex for the win. MAN, that was great in a couple of ways. When it was stiff and they were laying it it was really awesome. When they would hit stuff that they will probably be told not try again until they can hit it without milk flying out of people’s noses, it was awesome in a different way. But I recommend watching it. For the thrills. For the laughs. I got my eye on these two- which is all they could ever want.

~!~

LOW-KI vs. NECRO BUTCHER – IWA-MIDSOUTH 4/1/06 (Phil Schneider)

Wow, what an absolute war. Necro was at his height in 2006, and was probably the best indy dream match worker in history. Whenever you would match Necro up with another Indy star it would deliver in spades. Ki comes around and back jumps Necro, and starts pounding on him as they were wrapped up in streamers. Ki just unloads full force with chops and face kicks, including this lightning fast combo ending in a backfist which looked like something out a Kung Fu movie. Necro meanwhile would have these great counters, where he would throw a desperation KO blow, or snatch Ki out of the air with a kick or clotheslines. Finish was awesome as Ki lands this crazy double stomp through a table, which Necro barely kicks out of, but instead of Necro going back on offense, he just succumbs to a Ki clutch immediately. Man I miss when stuff like this would show up once a month or so, I remember liking their December 2006 rematch even more then this, and this might have been my MOTY if it had happened in 2015.

~!~

TAJIRI vs KAZMA SAKAMOTO (WRESTLE-1 – 7/4/2015)
(DEAN)

I don’t know who Sakamoto is but I like his style- as he starts a match with a clubbing forearm, so yes, he is winning my heart at second number one. He and Tajiri get right to it and beat on each other all through the crowd. Kazma throws REALLY great looking clubbing forearms and he lays them right in- and right in front of the rubes in the crowd. That makes for a fun wrestling experience- make me buy it two feet from my eyes OR YOU CAN GO TO HELL, WRESTLING MAN! Flair would do that at the Coliseum when he would chop Lex Luger or Sting or Michael PS Hayes or whoever as they brawled at ring side. Wrestling is a performing art. Live you can’t fix it with a different camera angle. Kazma does it right here. They finally get back to the ring and Kazma goes straight for the eyes (or something, it’s hard to tell, you just know that he is cheating and that Tajiri is in pain). I dig this Sakamoto cat; maybe I need go back and watch the several Wrestle-1 matches that I glazed over and deleted over the last year or so. Maybe there are other guys I would like. Maybe I need to watch the vanilla NOAH undercards and see what hidden gems they have. Maybe soeone someday will post some All Japan and I could check out their sketchy as hell undercard. Let’s all start watching someohow EVEN MORE WRESTLING! It’s like you freaks have girlfriends. And face it, that Golden Age of Television line was just a hype campaign to get you to get Hulu Plus! Anyhoos. Tajiri has aged into an awesome ring general and here he is fabulous dropping the knee on Kazma’s face. This is straight-up good, basic, stiff wrestling. I like Kazma’s submission where he puts his knee in Tajiri’s throat and pulls up on the back of Tajiri’s head. Then they do a Eudy-esque chinlock! You never see a rest hold anymore. I’m not saying that is good, it’s just weird in this day and age. You can see what it is good for, to slow things down so you can pace the match a little slower after a fast start. Or whatever. They walk around the building quickly and then go back into a chinlock. WRESTLING~! God, Kazma brings you back into the match by crushing Tajiri’s chest with a chop and then Tajiri hits all of his in-ring high-flying spots- your handspring into the ropes elbow thing, his ECW kicks and nice Crucifix. Kazma does odd offensive maneuvers for a two count and then just leans chin-first into a kick to the face. There is hi-jinx as Team Wrestle-1 takes on Tajiri and loses! Kazme uses his Wrestle-1 Muta spray and dives knees first into Tajiri’s chest for the win. ODD! But I approve!

~!~

TOGI MAKABE vs TOMOHIRO ISHII- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 7/5/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:

I am a wrestling fan so I love Tomohiro Ishii. I am a Japanese wrestling fan so I seen a thousand Makabe matches and know that you never know what you will get. One would hope that there will at least be a modicum of these two beating the hell out of each other thus making it worth watching, at least. Makabe has the NEVAH~! TITLE~! I assume that they created the Never title for Ishii, sort of like Tully Blanchard had the NWA TV Title forever. It didn’t really matter who was holding the NWA TV Title, you knew it was Tully’s. Same with Ishii. Will he get it back? Can we hope? Can we pray? Yes, Billy, pray really hard! HOOK-EM UP! Ishii has the greatest look in the world on his face. It is the total Arn Anderson Business In The Ring Face. It’s the face that says you never want to end up hanging sheet rock or doing any roofing with this guy. You’d want to punch him in the face and bash him in the head with a 4×4, but you don’t because you’re afraid he would get up from it and you can’t quite plan past that. That’s what you want from your wrestling- real life applications. NEVER! Ishii starts off STRONG STYLE! That’s right, Strong Style! Lariat to the get the two count. GIVE HIM THE NEVER TITLE! Makabe reels out of the ring and Ishii does a crazy toprope rolling senton that Makabe completely pusses out of taking. Fuck Makabe. He sucks. (We’ll see if that changes as we go. ME LATER: Nope, he pretty much sucks.) GODDAM. Ishii OPTS to fucking kill Makabe with chops to the chest and then starts stomping on him. Makabe sells it like a guy who has just… been… uh, I dunno… popcorned and then tazered!~ To the chest! THE LINGO OF THE KIDS! LAST YEAR! Ishii hits a Vertical Suplex that Makabe kinda sells like Rick Steiner when Steiner would just kind of frown and shake his head. BUT THEN. THE BEGINNING. OF. THE HEAD BUTTS. Iishi calls Makabe a fucking pussy for not matching his STRONG STYLE and DESIRE FOR THE NEVER TITAL~! Makabe’s forearms are to Ishii’s as Makabe’s forearms are to Ishii’s. But they trade them anyway until Makabe hits a powerslam and then Makabe hits a very Lex Luger-y clothesline into the corner. Makabe’s punches are not better than either of the Ding-Dong’s punches. EITHER OF THEM. Ishii hits a crazy sloppy powerslam and we are all glad Makabe didn’t land on his neck wrong. Makabe takes chops to the chest and does a good Sting No-Selling Flair’s chops. THEN- AT 9:07 on the counter- MAKABE throws three punches that are SOMEHOW SHITTIERshittierSHITTIER than your average Abyss punch combined with your shittiest Ken Anderson punch. I AM NOT FUCKING EXAGERATING. GO LOOK! It would be funny if this was TNA but this is Japanese wrestling where you are supposed to lay it in. God. Dang. That just sucks. Come on, Ishii! Makabe is suddnely to the NEVER TITLE what David Arquette was to the WCW World Title. Ishii leaps into a Makabe lariat to make it look devastating in some form. Makabe hits Better Than Diesel Powerbomb, so we give him that. Yes, Togi, you will always have that. Ishii sells his horrible shoulder he has always had and will use as the psychology of the match when he is dealing with a quasi-load like Makabe. They trade lariats. Makabe’s look fine here. Ishii’s look way better and he is also still selling the shoulder- so yeah, there is psychology in Ishii’s work and ALSO Ishii hits a waaay better powerbomb. Ishii elbows and elbows and elbows until Makabe is in the corner and then they struggle and fight from the top until Ishii hits a fucking BEEYOOOOOTIFUUUUL toprope Vertical Suplex that Makabe takes like a KING. Makabe survives and transitions to offense by hitting a flash Samoan Drop that Ishii sells like a champ by immediately conveying that he lands directly on his shoulder. Ishii fights back with fucking NASTY elbows to the face. Makabe’s are far more Stevie Ray than Booker T in their stiffness. Ishii crumples to the mat from Makabe’s elbows and then fights to hit a German suplex but Ishii is fucking awesome because he is selling that he is already desperate and trying to survive. Its not easy to pull off but Ishii does it effortlessly here. Ishii’s offense- ALL OF IT- looks 500% more deadly than Makabe’s but Ishii has set the tone that his shoulder has equalized the difference. Thus the German Suplex that Makabe hits shows up on the face of Ishii as the re-opening of the old shoulder injury. Makabe misses the toprope thing and Ishii crushes him into the turnbuckle with a way close German Suplex. The ringside doctor checks him and he is a total babyface getting heat beaten into him. You saw Makabe’s punches, Ishii is a fucking genius at getting over Makabe’s hilarious offense. Ishii hits four lariats and Makabe kicks out of them and then fights out of and then reverses a brainbuster to drive Ishii’s shoulder into the top turnbuckle before hitting a fucking Now After Ishii Has Established The Shoulder Fucking Lethal Dragon Suplex. Ishii kicks out but it is truly all over but the shouting. Makabe just Mongolian Chops the bad shoulder and lariats him him directly into the shoulder in the corner and then clubs it in the corner. It is fucking nasty and awesome so lets hear it for Makabe for that. The doc is checking him while Makabe drags him to the top. Ishii clings for life to the ringpost before being ripped away and driven directly to the mat on his shoulder from the top. Makabe hits a superfluous toprope kneedrop to seal the win. Somehow, Ishii takes a very marginal wrestler and makes it a match of the year candidate. Tomohiro Ishii is motherfucking awesome.

~!~

MINORU TANAKA vs SEIKI YOSHIOKA- WRESTLE-1- 7/4/2015 (RASMUSSEN)

ATSUSHI ONITA vs. HAYATO NANJO – OSAKA PRO (4/22/11 – Street Fight)
(RIPPA)

OSAKA PRO DADDY!!!! When Onita wants to do a street fight, you let him do a street fight I guess. Man – for all the crazy that Onita has done he still looks damn good which means he is harvesting the organs of puppies or something. Wait! Wait! WAIT! Nanjo used to be FUCKING MIRACLE MAN!?!?!?!?! HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!?!?!?! (I am going with that I never knew and not the more likely, I knew but because I am so old, I forgot.) Nanjo is all “Oh Geez… I guess I gotta take all these unprotected chair shots now.” (Thankfully??? it is a plastic chair.) So that is basically what a Onita “Street Fight” in 2011 is. Well and breaking dude’s noses since I sure as fuck don’t think Nanjo bladed each side of his nose. They eventually get to the brawling outside the ring – which kinda sucks when the handheld and hard cam can’t see the action (I am blaming Gordi). More wandering and more unfortunate chair shots until Nanjo wins via a kick to the head/roll up combo. I love you Osaka Pro but let’s let the FMW stuff stay with FMW. I am off to search the interwebs for this random note about how Nanjo was accused of stalking and attempted murder on a pop star.

~!~

DIASUKE SEKIMOTO vs YUJI OKABAYASHI- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 7/20/2015-[RASMUSSEN]

This is for the Big Japan Strong Style Title held by Sekimoto. I used to hate Sekimoto and then, over time, he got beaten into my heart, mostly by Kohei Sato. Okabayashi is my current favorite wrestler. I like his intensity. I like the intensity of everything in Big Japan that isn’t their shitty death match division. It’s strange. It’s like liking McDonald’s for the salads, or liking Burger King for the salads. Or liking Wendy’s for the salads. Let’s enjoy the best salad Big Japan can toss at us. Salads! They start the Strong Style belt match by doing the strong style test of shoulder blocks and THERE IS ALREADY BLOOD? Fuck. And. Yes. Actually, reviewing it, it’s hardway from the LOCK-UP. That bodes well for DEAN’s enjoyment of a wrestling match. They ram into each other and call each other pussies and then Sekimoto bowls him over for two and blood is smearing on Okabayashi’s chest as they take it to the floor. Okabayashi FUCKING fucking MOTHERFUCKING CRUSHES Sekimoto’s chest with a chop. I dunno, I can’t explain why I love this style of wrestling so much yet I have no patience for MMA. Actually, I was smartened up about wrestling when I was 6 and was never into boxing as much I got into wrestling- so I think is a correlation- because boxing in 1973 was the greatest boxing that boxing will ever be- Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Norton, Jimmy Young, Shavers, those white guys whose names elude me right now. So if I took Blackjack and Wahoo over Ali and Frazier- both sports of which were on TV back then- there has to be a reason why I like wrestlers who lay it in over fighters who actually punch each other in the stomachs. My theory is that I am a a romantic and I love art. MMA is a sport. Wrestling is an art. People who look for fulfillment in sports are weirdos and losers (unless it’s the CFL- and then it truly is inspiring feats by heroes of the grid-iron. Mike Pringle was Ullysses! Rakeem Cato is a Christ-like figure.). But art, even wrestling- the lowest, most fucked-up of the arts, is supposed to expose and enrich the human spirit. So wrestling wins, fuck you, everything else. Okabayashi bodyslams Sekimoto to the floor and then hits a very fat fatboy Piscado and the beating through chops are exchanged into the crowd. Sekimoto goes on offense and he is intense while Okabayashi leans into the posting. They try some stuff but don’t actually execute it well at all. That’ll cost you a star. Prolly. They cover it up by beating on each other so the STAR IS REGAINED! Sekimoto brings totally fat ass forearms to Kobatashi’s gigantic skull and I really like it when you watch the Big Japan Strong Style Division and they really start fucking laying it in. They do that at this point. Sekimoto hits a brainbuster to procure the Eudylike Chinlock and they fight in and out of that for a little while to MORPH into them beating the hell out of each other again to set up a headlock. Okabayashi Backdrop Drivers out and I assume he will procure a Mister Fuji nerve pinch to set up a Released Toprope Death Valley Bomb. But I am wrong- they en lieu elbow each other in the face while on their knees to get to chopping each other on their feet to Sekimoto running into the ropes to accept a manly powerslam by Okabayashi to allow Okabayashi to procure the Octopus Hold. I love the backwards psychology of using highly visual power moves to set up very static submission holds. It’s like the 70s style in reverse. Sekimoto hits the ropes to allow Okabayashi to murder him with chops. Sekimoto fires back with his own murderous chops and a dropkick and corner lariat to probably set up an Airplane Spin. But no. Argentenian Backbreaker- which predates the Airplane Spin. Okabayashi muscles out and transitions through a sleeper into his own Argentenian Backbreaker- as the Argentenian Backbreaker is to Big Japan Strong Style what the Western Lariat is to the King’s Road Style. I dig little things like that. Sekimoto mirrors Okabayashi’s escape from the backbreaker but settles in for a Sleeper as the mirror is augmented and distorted to make the psychology more lush and vibrant. Okabayashi cures all this girly shit by fucking KILLING Sekimoto with a running powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Okabayashi hits he fucking Deadlift Brainbuster that is soooooo fucking MANLY. And keeping with the story of the match, these visually stunning spots lead up to a static submission- a Boston Crab. Sekimoto makes the ropes and collapses in a heap to allow Okabayashi to gos up for the frog splash and they battle at the top- with Okabayashi winning the struggle and hitting a really great Bucket Of Fried Chicken Fatman Missile Dropkick! That move I haven’t seen from our boy Okabayashi. Sekimoto powers out of the tombstone so they can crush each other with lariats and German suplexes. Okabayshi hits the Shotgun Lariat but is too SPENT to make the cover. I await the Stump-puller. Instead, they go back to beating the hell out of each other. I and the audience assume this is now going Broadway as Sekimoto hits a fucking beautiful lariat to set-up his deadly EVEREST SUPLEX but Okabayashi fights out of it before getting kicked in the head and then taking it. For 2, this is Broadway! I can feel it! Except I read the results on Cagematch before I watched so I have to suspend my disbelief! Sekimoto hits a really nasty lariat and it looks like it’s over but the chopping- but Okabayashi fights out of another EVEREST and hits a few chops and lands a SKULL CRUSHING lariat for two. Okabayashi ascends the turnbuckle and hits his finisher, the frog splash for the WIN! Butbutbutbut WTF? Sekimoto kicks out! That’s the finisher you don’t kick out of! Unless…. Total Broadway? Not now. They’ve given Sekimoto the kick out of the Okabayshi Finisher. That can only mean: Okabayashi hoists Sekimoto up and just fucking VADERS Sekimoto with a powerbomb. For the win! For the belt! Fuck yes! This is the year of Yuji Okabayashi! So this is also MY year as a wrestling fan. And that’s what’s important. To me. It’s a great match and A strange match and it Is not like other Big Japan Strong Style matches. The psychology of the match was giant moves to set up static moves. I feel like this would have a perfect match if the powerbomb set up a Indian Deathlock or a Sharpshooter. But maybe that idea is for the rematch. I’ll take this everyday and twice on Sundays.

~!~

HIROSHI YAMOTO/ HIROKI MURASE/ SHOTARO ASHINO vs RYOTA HAMA/ ANDY WU/ YUYA SUSUMU (WRESTLE-1- 7/4/2015)
(RASMUSSEN)

This is a mixture of guys I’ve seen, some guys I’ve seen but never paid attention to, and guys I’ve never seen. Let’s see who leaves any kind of impression. I am optimistic! Wrestling is sometimes awesome! Why not now? WHY NOT? Hiroshi Yamoto does cool mat things and Andy Wu is all high-flying early but even early on you and I are waiting. Waiting for the big boy. Waiting for the sweet sweet fatness to come crashing down. We gloss over the perfunctory and perfectly well executed whatever they did and our mind starts to wander until THE TAG! Our boy Hama uses his fat ass and otherly placed fat to crush youngster Ashino- including just rolling over top of him like Ashino was sitting on the porch and then cow falls off the roof onto him. (The next review I do of Hama will have this same idiot joke but you get to look forward to a back story of how the cow got on the roof. Actually, fuck it. I got a few minutes.

A Cautionary Tale- How Mabel the Cow Ended Up on the Roof.

He was the one. He was the one I loved. When I first met him, I didn’t really think much about him. We were both freshmen in the dorm, He was a middling, off-beat good-looking Holstein from Earlesville. He was about the humanities but wasn’t really fired up and passionate about anything. He was kind of already broken at 18. It’s not an attractive look but don’t get me wrong, he was attractive. I was a Guernsey raised in the big city and I would cover up my own insecurities by trying be the hippest gal in the room. Thinking back, I can’t even imagine how fucking annoying that mush have been. But he was like actually interested in me. He was the opposite of me. He was sheltered and didn’t know the ways of the world and I was jaded and had seen everything- or so I thought. What he didn’t know was that he could fall in love with me just by talking to me. He had thought he was in a love a few times and actually said it a few times and really thought he meant it. But that was before he met me. What I didn’t know was that I could fall in love, and fall was deep- like lifetime deep so early in my life. This fucking REAL. I was taken a-back. It was an intense feeling, beyond any sexdual thing, though that was also beyond wildest dreams. He told that before he met me and fell in love with me that he was a boy, playing childish games, pretending to be a man. After falling in love with me, he said he finally knew what it meant to be a man. He wanted to be with me forever and to father my calves and be my moptherfucking only bull. I felt the same way but I was scared. It was scary to lose my virginity. It was scary to have these feeelings so young in life. I was guessing that I would ease into the rest of my life and eventually find somebody to grow old with. This wasn’t planned. This real and this was NOW and this was it. But I sent him away because I was overwhelmed and wanted to escape and get my head together. He was young and fiery and hurt. He went up to his farmer and said, “I am done. Send me to the slaughterhouse. My sadness will make my flesh tough. You deserve more than that, master. For the good of my species, I must sacrifice myself at my most delectible point. I will get no more than this. I will never be more in love than this.” And he was gone. So here I am back home and made it through the window. And now I going to die in disgrace. And also land on this wrestler on the porch. I always loved you and I am nothing without you.)

Susumu then kicks him in the stomach a bunch so the good points of Ashino so far is that he will take an assbeating and not go off running into the street in terror. Andy Wu looks perfectly fine- if not overly flashy for a highflier. He makes the basic stuff look like it hurts, which is better than most. Hama tags in and Ashino battles back just to have all the fat of Hama collapse onto his chest. The Attempt On Hama Of A Sunset Flip is a hilariously nonsensical spot that is the eternal staple of poor saps who wrestle the morbidly obese, it’s like eating at Hardee’s- you think about it, you just fucking do it. GOD DANG! After a disturbing roll-up of Hama by Hiroshi Yamato, where we are treated to basically Hama’s raw naked Personal Pan-Sized Pizza-sized taint, Hama drops the fuggin MEAT CLEAVER on Yamato and things had to squirt out of both ends the fuzzy pumper barber shop that is the human body reacting to that much fat landing on it. Susumu is intense on offense but not overly impressive. He does lots of little things fast but Yamato’s dropkick looked hurtier than the five moves Susumu puts together. Andy Wu rolls around a lot before hitting stuff- which I find amusing. I dunno, I’m horrible because you gotta really land on your shoulder wrong a lot for me to actively seek out your matches these days if you are under 250 pounds (and a guy.) Don’t hold that against him though because Wu doesn’t do anything annoying or bad looking, it’s just that- for me, he is up against memories of Asian Cougar doing sentons out of the ring over the toprope onto folks on the floor covered with chairs. So dazzle me. The Triple Concussion consecutive moves off the toprope onto Andy Wu was very interesting and innovative, but really, EVERYBODY, when the landed, bounced their heads off the mat like they were Mikey Whipwreck being powerbombed. And that was the finish. Well. The idea and booking of the match is pretty smart. Stick three pretty bland interchangeable guys in with a bland other guy and a bland guy with a mask, but reward the viewers like you and I by letting Ryota Hama fucking crush people- thus making the assorted perfectly fine non-descript wrestling go down easier. None of the five stick to me yet. But luckily for them (because all wrestlers want to be liked BY ME, I ‘m positive of this), they were all five competent enough to not make me hate them. So we will continue to monitor their progress, hopefully in singles matches where they can try to hold my interest without me trying figure which one will get his ribs ground into powder by fat guy landing on him. So yeah, I’ll take this match.

~!~

YUJI HINO vs HIRO TONAI (K-DOJO- 7/12/2015) [RASMUSSEN]

Reading about Hiro Tonai on Cagematch.net and it says that Tonai is 31 years old and has been wrestling for 8 years. I then realize that- between the Big Switch-over from dvd’s to stuff on the internet, it means that you couldn’t GIVE AWAY most K-Dojo matches to me the last couple of years. But hey, here we are. The need to explore and find new wrestlers to watch, combined with my absurd love of the most magnificently sleazy version of Yuji Okabayashi possible that is Yuji Hino (and the fact that Hino and Okabayashi are an actual tag team occasionally is like the best thing in the wrestling world to me at this time) brings us to watching young Hiro Tonai for the first time that I can recall. I assume that Hino will beat the living hell out of him and I will once again wonder why he doesn’t jump to Big Japan to wrestle Kawakami every night. But let us actually watch this, shall we. They start off doing a very active and rolly arm-bar sequence and I get the feeling that this is going to go long (the counter saying 24 minutes helps also) and I get the feeling that this will be a straight pro style match instead of Hino’s strong suit, Stong Style. But Tonai works around a wristlock and there are reversals and counters and its what I didn’t expect so I’m digging it- and it helps that it is also done pretty well. Then a knuckle lock section and it dawns on me that this all to kill time to build up to Hino fucking killing this guy. Until then, Welcome To Scientific Wrestling. Hino starts a very basic arm-wringer and we veer into a 70s style Hold To Call A Spot and it leads to Tonai kneeing Hino in the head to escape a Dragon Sleeper attempt and I believe we are moving closer to Hino beating the life out this- the challenger for the STRONGEST K CHAMPION belt. En lieu, Hino works a casual kneebar but he is starting to get snippy and he rolls Tonai around, stomps the calf and sinks the hold back in. Tonai sells it a little after countering and escaping and then gets in a quick Crossarmbreaker submission attempt. They then do a thing where Tonai fights out of German Suplex that Hino counters into a Dragon Sleeper again and Tonai hits the ropes. This is a total Dradition style match where they channel 70s style wrestling- which is a style of match I haven’t seen in a while so I’m not turning on this, but digging the bizarre subtlety of the whole thing. At 13: 59, the Strong Style kicks in as they finally hit the ropes. Tonai dodges the lariat and drop kicks Hino in the knee and then does the Silver King plancha to the floor and this is now all about Tonai hitting New Japan junior lowgrade highspots. Tonai comes off the toprope and drops a knee on Hino’s shoulder and Hino undersells initially but I think his right arm is the story of the match so he establishes a bottom line selling to build on as Tonai attacks the arm. The story is now basic and awesome. Tonai works on the injured arm while Hino chops the fuck out of Tonai to escape. Tonai I dig. His offense is inventive and his focus on the arm is tenacious. This is the second match I’ve seen Hino selling giant amounts- the first was a odd match in the DDT developmental promotion DNA, beating the dogshit out of rookie before doing a giant foray into selling for the rookie before totally fucking annihilating him. Here he isn’t trying to make a rookie look good, here he is actually selling a really good looking offense. Maybe Hino is even more awesome than I give him credit for. Hino powers out of Cross Arm Breaker and throws Tonai backwards onto his head. Tonai goes back to the arm and the psychology of this match is established and rich and moist and filling and delightful. Tonai holds the ropes to fight out of a German Suplex- but he loses battle and Hino fucking slaughters him with a Released German Suplex. Tonai escapes to the floor and Hino tries re-assemble his crumpled arm. As Tonai is rolled in, we assume this is the beginning of the end. Hino takes a knee to the face but fires back with a lariat. Tonai does the awesome thing of GOING BACK TO THE ARM! Woo-hoo! Psychology this late in the game. Hino powers out of the CrossArm Breaker and powers into a Stretch Plum and that is it! Waaaa? No 15 kick outs of lariats and powerbombs? A submission actually making someone submit? Yuji Hino and Hiro Tonai, you magnificent sons of bitches, I am getting on board for big win and backing your play one hundred percent. Fuck yes. I will continue to watch of these two guys. Fuck and Yes.

~!~

LOS BRAZOS (El Brazo/Brazo de Oro/Brazo de Plata/Super Brazo ) vs. VILLANOS (I, III, IV)/ EL HIJO DEL SANTO – HAMADA UWF (3/7/91)
(RIPPA)

I said this last issue and I will say it again – my two favorite promotions are All Japan “Classics” and Hamada’s UWF. So when Ed sent me the message going “Hey – I found this Villanos/Brazos match I never watched.” I was giddy. Mind you – we then spent 10 minutes trying to figure out who the 4th Brazo was – well more specifically was it Super Brazo or Brazo de Bronce. I should also point out that it was at least 10 minutes before we realized that it was listed right in the video description. My shame is upon me like a flock of bees.

See this is the comedy stalling I love as both teams threaten to walk out due to the crowd chanting for the other team. God and this was 1991. Lord – I hope indy crowds of today should probably not be encouraged. Oh and Plata does the fat guy pratfall to put the cherry on that portion of the match. Fuck – if you have no time for Super Porky than I have no time for you.

Since this is a handheld – I have almost no chance of telling the Villanos apart. I just know none of them are II… since he is dead. (What? Too Soon?)
This isn’t the blood soaked hateful match that you might expect (want) out the Brazos/Villanos. It’s luchadores out to entertain and do a motherfucking great job of it. Just watch the match. There is ARMDRAG CITY~! Which is what I want the next Luchashop T-shirt to be. There is the bullying of Brazo de Plata and the fat guys sticking together. (God I love the Brazos.) Everyone decided to beat the shit out of each other for awhile too. Man – you are always hesitant to watch lucha because you don’t “get it” this is the perfect match to watch because there is nothing to “get” outside of wrestling is motherfucking fun.

~!~

DREW GALLOWAY vs TIMOTHY THATCHER- EVOLVE WRESLTING- 7/10/2015- [RASMUSSEN]

Hey! This is going to be an old school wrestling review because you have to actually get the iPPV to see this match (or know ways to find it on sketchy Russian websites.) I know all about Drew Galloway, except that Cagenet.match says he started wrestling when he was 16, which is pretty crazy. Of course, I worked in downtown Norfolk, VA at Pandy’s Peanuts dressed AS a peanut and handing out free samples when I was 17. It’s true. All day, the only people I would see were transvestites and cops. It was great. Plus I get to lord it over my kids when they whine about anything. “I don’t want to hear it! When I was your age, I was DRESSED AS PEANUT handing out peanuts to transvestites! Just so I could take my girlfriend out on Friday night! GODDAMMIT! you kids today with your Minecraft and shitty music!” But enough of me brutally scarring my unfortunate children. Timothy Thatcher is beloved by all who have seen him- and I imagine that I will love him too (which is every wrestlers’ dream), but I wanted to ease into him and try not go swept up into the mania- and thus not get a clear look. He had a title match with Drew Galloway and Schneider recommended this whole card to me, so here we go. HEY! Rob Naylor is the ring announcer. Such a good egg. Anyway, bring me the fucking hatred and violence because that’s how I like my art. Thatcher starts by being all fidgety because it’s now for the EVOLVE and the Dragon Gate belts! Thatcher goes for the cross arm breaker straight out of the gate and then bludgeons Galloway with forearms. Galloway opts to slow things down with an armbar and Thatcher counters with forearms to the face. So I’m digging this early. Galloway wins my heart with an early Garvin stomp to the ankle to set up a bunch of kneebars and kneebar counters- and they are doing a lot things, but none of these mark any real damage. But its early and I dig that all of that was to set up a Thatcher key lock. The guy from California is doing the British style mat work and the guy from Britain is countering by kicking him in the face- it is a post-modern world and you can only assume that you are most influenced by those things you saw more on tape, I suppose. Galloway hits a nice Released German and Thatcher sells it all the way into Galloway laying in the chops. Thatcher hits the super sweet head butt to the chin and they take it to the floor and really fucking lay it in. I truly dig this section. But then they do a whole crappy looking section ending up with a weak shoulder breaker on a rubber trashcan and I wonder why the strayed from the effective part of punching each other in the face at ringside. It took me out of the match and baffled me. They get back in the ring and Galloway starts beating on Thatcher. Thatcher counters by taking him to the match. Galloway counters AGAIN by kicking Thatcher in the head. I dig Galloway’s counters, as he is from the naturalist school of doing what one would actually do if in that situation. They flail around a bit until Thatcher drives Galloways shoulder into the ringpost and cravates him clavicles-first across the ring apron. Thatcher goes for the Butterfly Suplex and Galloway powers him over for a pinning predicament to lead to Thatcher holding on to the Butterfly and getting him over and going for the Fujiwara Armbar. Galloway counters out by punching him in the face. That’s a nice sequence of Thatcher holding on to the hold after a lot interference to not remind you that he still had athe hold. Very subtle. And I love Galloway’s consistency of counters. I mean, I like the idea of this, but for me to like the execution of this match, Galloway REALLY needs to lay this shit in. Folks paid money for this PPV. Not that Thatcher’s European uppercuts are going to make you forget William Regal or anything. But anyway. As the match goes on, Galloway does actually lay it in more so I appreciate that. They go to the top and battle it out and Galloway wins with a second rope Air Raid Crash for two. Galloway goes for his finisher and Thatcher counters into a Fujiwara Armbar and THEN drags him to the center of the ring and re-applies it! Oh man, this is two days in a row where the finish was the first finisher and the finish was a submission. I sense a trend! Either way, this was good but I’m assuming there are better Thatcher matches. Plus there is an indie hug. Jesus, will SOMEBODY clothesline the winner for once instead of making out with him. But yeah. I’ll watch the rest of this card as next week rolls on.

~!~

GRAN GUERRERO vs REY ESCORPION (CMLL – 7/3/2015)
(DEAN)

Cagematch.net hips me to the fact that Gran Guerrero is really Ultimo Guerrereo’s son! Rey Escorpion, according to Cagematch.net, was trained by Mocha Cota and El Satanico so he could give a shit about Guerrero’s dad and jumps him before he can get down the stairs. Rey then drives him skull first into the stairs. This is starting off well. I’m not sure why they are having a singles match but who really needs a reason. YEA! Rey throws him into the ring and then beats him with his own clothing. Gran takes two dozen size 11’s to the face in the corner and Rey is basically screaming, “He is MY LITTLE BITCH!” as he begins unlacing Gran’s mask. Then the punching and the stomping and EEEEVEEL arrogance! Damn you, Rey Escorpion! He’s Ultimo Guerrero’s baby boy! And Rey Escorpion hits a top rope suplex and get the first fall. YOU love a Primera Caida Squash! What will Gran do? Where is the fleeting remains of his fragile confidence? Rey opts to not allow him to have Hamlet-y introspection and opts to take him out of the ring and beat the shit out of him- the pinnacle being slamming the ring barricade gate into his head. Rey drags him into the ring and continues kicking the fudge out of him and taunting the little paunsy as he slowly rolls around in disbelief- not believing that he looks like such crap in the middle of a singles match on national TV! Where did life go wrong? FAATHAAAAH! Why am sucking so much on NATIONAL TELEVISON?!?! FAAAATHAAAH! For this I gave up my dream to an air conditioning repairman??!! FATHAH! DAMN YOU FATHAH!!!! Gran finally gets it going by hitting a lariat on the apron and then baseball sliding Rey to the floor and then crushing him with a really nice Gotta Lotta Baby Fat plancha to the floor from the toprope. Gran lands a hilariously half-assed NODAWA~! for two. Maybe there IS still hope for his career in air conditioning repair. If not, Gran Guerrero, there is always the big rigs. SEE THE WORLD! Love a lot lizard. Buy a hilarious hat. Gran and Rey chop each other up with really nice looking chops before Gran hits a really nice looking powerslam for two. I give is a 1/2 DiBiase- points off for having sensible clearance- as opposed to DiBiase almost always seeming to be a half inch from paralyzing someone. Rey dropkicks where the ref would be if the ref didn’t completely puss out on the bump. One TOTALLY MANLY KICK TO THE GROIN LATER and Rey Escorpion wins in straight falls! Hmmmm. That was fun but maybe next time, I’ll watch the match before reviewing it. Like some kind of total pussy. BIG RIGS!

~!~

KATSUYORI SHIBATA vs TETSUYA NAITO- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 7/24/2015-[RASMUSSEN]

I love when matches from today show up on the internet. Don’t watch if you want to be surprised by the finish when they show it on AXS TV next year. It will be in breathtaking high definition and you’ll understand the ring announcers so you wanna keep your powder dry, hoss. Call me a romantic, I love Shibata. He’s always been such a jerk. A JERK! But he wrestles in a style that I like and thus I seek out his matches. I like Naito too- especially in Mexico. Shibata is a JERK! early by messing up Naito’s silver mask ensemble and then NOAHs him into the ringside barricade. Then Shibata hits the ironic Figure Four Leglock (ironic because Shibata double crossed New Japan by going into MMA- thus it is ironic when he uses pro style submissions on pro style wrestlers! LOOK FAKE BOYS! I’M BEATING YOU WITH A HOLD THAT NO ONE USES IN A REAL FIGHT! That’s the psychology behind that. Probably.) After Naito hits the ropes, Shibata kicks Naito gently in the head not to hurt him but to taunt him, because Shibata is a jerk. A turncoat and a jerk! Naito counters the taunts by sweeping the leg, Johnny, with a dropkick to the kneecap. They decide to go outside and brawl some more. Shibata gets his leg stuck in the rail so Naito drop kicks the rail and slowly undresses in the ring….. for tha laaaaadeeeehs…. Naito goes way overly elaborate version of the Figure Four. I don’t think this would ironic. This would be more of a CELEBRATION of Naito’s Pro Style Roots. “I not only use a Figure Four, I use an even more preposterous set up to a Figure Four! VIVA THE PRO STYLE!” Shibata un-ironically counters the celebration of the Pro Style by totally un-kayfabe-ing and not selling any of the Pro Style damage to his MMA knee. Or maybe he just sucks at selling. Okay, Shibatta isn’t Johnny Valentine- but who is? Then they just start punching each other in the face. I don’t really think this match is psychologically sound or sold very well or any of the other things that I believe a good a good match, but they do lay it in and that makes this match work for me so far. Naito forearms with glee. Shibata kicks Naito with real hatred in his eyes. He’s a total dick kicking him in the corner. Naito dropkick the knee again to counter. Shibata sells for a second- I think of more of a taunt than any idea of actually selling the part of the body that Naito keeps going back to, as this isn’t MUGA and Tatsumi Fujinami would snap his elbow tendons if tried any of this shit in a Dradition match- then hits a preposterously hurty looking dropkick into the corner. This is dog’s breakfast but it works on some level. I think that level is Shibata kicking Naito in the face a lot and Naito not even blinking when leaning into it. It’s why you watch the Japanese Pro wrestling. Shibata laughs to himself about the irony of procuring the Octapus Hold- Inoki’s hold! The man who tried to bridge Pro Style and MMA! Naito hits a bunch of suplexes or hits one and tries another. Naito tries some kind of kneebar but Shibata counters by punching him in the face a lot. Shibata then counters by forearming him in the face. Then they smack each other a lot and Shibata smirks to himself as he sinks in the Weaver Sleeper! He laughs because he doesn’t even know who Johnny Weaver is! Stupid Pro Style that I ironically use! I am a turncoat and a jerk! He says to himself. Possibly. Shibata then runs and kicks Naito in the chest, and then pinning him by dropping his shin across Naito’s throat. Shibata matches are fun to review because there is so much backstory to help you make up shit. Plus plus he kicks folks really hard and that’s awesome. WOO-HOO! Zillion Stars!

~!~

DAISUKE SEKIMOTO vs MITSUHIRO KITAMIYA- NOAH SEM- 7/14/2015- [RASMUSSEN]

SEM has been around a while and still don’t really understand what it is. I guess it’s what they use whenever they run a training class maybe?- as opposed to having a full-time dojo. Either way, you bring in Sekimoto to beat on a youngster, I will tune my computer box to your wrestling match. Kitamiya through the comments on Cagematch.net seem to be the guy NOAH is are pinning their future on to some degree. Of course, it is NOAH, the slacker stoner in the basement of Japanese wrestling. Sekimoto works the leg early and elbow drops the inner thigh like Greg the Hammer Valentine. Kitamitya counters into a crossarmbreaker and Sekimoto counters it into a Indian Grapevine thingy and Kitamiya hits ropes and I can’t possibly WAIT get to the part where Sekimoto cuts out all this preliminary set-up stuff and begins to kill this guy. Oh good, it starts now. Sekimoto feuded with Kohei Sato all last year and Yuji Okabayashi all this year so he really doesn’t give a shit about that look on your face when he smashes his hand against your chest way too hard. It’s fun because we’re watching it on TV and he is all the way over Japan hitting that guy in the chest! Sekimoto opts to not immediately destroy our youngster and does a full Eudy chinlock. Kitamiya doesn’t get the memo and hits the ropes way too early to build any HEAT~! for the ropebreak. THUS Sekimoto can’t wait to start crushing his trachea with chops- which he really really does try to crush his trachea. Kitamiya forearms back and tries to transition to offense but Sekimoto cuts him off, body slams him, and sinks in a Variation On the Camel Clutch or a Surf Board- as it was called before other things called the Surf Board muddied the waters, so to speak. They battle for the Brainbuster and Kitamiya powers Sekimoto over! That’s impressive to me and the crowd because Sekimoto is the main indie power wrestler in Japan. PSYCHOLOGY, DADDY! Kitamiya goes on offense and it is fine. They should loan him out to Big Japan for a few months so they could beat on him enough to make his offense more dynamic. Sekimoto clubs him in the back after Kitamiya tries for a snap Suplex, thus Sekimoto cuts him off and it’s back to the Surf Board. Kitamiya hits the ropes and this match is very basic even for a quasi-Big Japan Strong Style match. Sekimoto hits a very nice second rope missile dropkick and they opt for total Strong Style by just beating each other to death in the middle of the ring. You love that. I love that. I want wrestling match to have that. Or at least have the IDEA of that to work around. I want violence or the concept of violence to be the main psychological driving force fo all wrestling I watch. Every else is just jacking off. Unless it is Angel Azteca doing armdrags and Angel Azteca died ten years ago. They hit the ropes and Kitamiya slips into a Somoan Drop for two, Sekimoto hits a enormous released German Suplex and SHOTGUN~! Lariat for two as we head for the obvious finish. Thus allowing for the majestic and fabulous EVEREST German Suplex With A Bridge 4 the win! Not like a match of the year of anything but if you need a fix of Big Japan Strong Style offense, this will get you over until the next Kawakami match shows up. Kitamiya I dig. He needs more intensity on offense but that will come in time, one would hope. Sekimoto is deeply in the realm of wrestler I watch every match available now.

~!~

CHERRY vs HIKARU SHIDA (PRO WRESTLING WAVE 7/5/2015)
(DEAN)

According to Cagematch.net, Cherry is a Jaguar Yokoto trainee. Damn, she looks good for 41. I guess Jaguar still trained folks after the closing of J’d and opening that weird ass Joshi Brotherl/Hooters thing she started. Joshi is fucked up. Anyway, I like Hikaru Shida because she is a Russ Meyer creation. Stunningly, statuesquely beautiful but will grab and pull a jock-type guy from his MG and break his back right there in the desert. (Go watch Russ Meyer’s masterpiece Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! You will understand that reference and also find yourself yelling, “Wail, baby, WAIL!” when you are at parties. Then watch no other Russ Meyer movies ever. They fuck you up in the mind.) Oh, Hikaru was trained by Tamura and that would explain her propensity to beat the hell out of somebody. On to the match we go. They start off really frantic, like they are joshi rookies half their size, and they land about half of what they set off to do. But we’re less than a minute in so we are still holding steady at five stars. They fly around the ring until Shida does the Koshinaka Butt Butt and quiet roar of thousands of sudden grunting from Japanese business men and teenagers fills the air as thousands of televisions are turned off and thousands of Japanese males call it a night. There is less of a unified effect as the match disseminates through the internet. I mean you gotta make through the KANA matches first…. what were talking about? Oh yeah. Shida then starts forearming Cherry in the face and Cherry gives it right back until Shida gets her up in a Argentinian Backbreaker variation to move directly into a Reverse Falcon Arrow. Awwwwwwww, they still do the Falcon Arrow this year. They roll around and Shida gets a half-crab locked in and they slow it down. Cherry finally makes it to the ropes and rolls to the floor allowing Shida to go up top. Cherry joins the Naturalist school and does what YOU would do in this situation- throw things at ringside at her. Cherry hits her with duct tape, and OTHER duct tape and a bucket and Shida hits the floor. Cherry then duct tapes her hands behind her back with some kind of plastic bag and now the sexual predators in the viewing audience that had been holding out can now towel off and go to bed. Shida gets loose and Cherry ties it back on and this is just getting stupid. Shida hits a high knee and then just starts tearing into her with savage punches and kicks! Cherry responds with really loopy arm drags but Shida crushes her with a really nasty suplex from the toprope- with Cherry on the apron- to the mat. Cherry fights out of Shida’s attempt at a German maybe and hits one of those hilarious lariats that tiny Joshi gals use- you know, Hiroshi Tanahashi’s finisher. Ah, Shida was shooting for a Falcon Arrow. And she hits it for two. Shida then runs and drives her knee straight into Cherry’s face. Jesus, that looked NASTY. Cherry kicks out and hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL T-Bone Tazplex! It’s like if Kraneo’s sidekick Mije suddenly whipped out a toprope Jumping Piledriver on Atlantic one week. For two! They do some nearfalls until Shida hits two running knees to the face that don’t connect nearly as thud-ishly as the first. For the win! You should watch this. I watched it. So you should watch it. I don’t want to be alone here as the guy who watches random Hikaru Shida matches. People will think I watched this just because Shida has a nice butt and that I’m an aging pathetic old man- BUT THEY ARE WRONG! I’m a NORMAL old man! If I want something to satiate my impure impulses, I would look at the vast array of porn that fills every nook and cranny of the internet! I watch Joshi Puroresu because I fucking love WRESTLING! But yeah… dat ass.

~!~

TAKASHI SUGIURA vs SHIRO TOMOYOSE (NOAH SEM – 7/13/2015)
(DEAN)

The last time I saw Sugiura in the ring, he and Kohei Sato were fucking killing each other. I remember Sato bleeding from his ear. I hadn’t realized how old Sugiura was (45) and I was amazed at the level of beating he could take and dish out- considering I am only 4 years older and I get winded just getting up at night to adjust my truss. The last time I saw Shiro Tomoyose was this match right here that I am fixing to watch. Tomoyose is so new that he doesn’t even have a Cagematch.net profile. Luckily, the fine folks (or possibly waaay too obsessed folks) at Puroresu Spirit filled us in (https://puroresuspir…shiro-tomoyose/ ). Cagematch.net did have results for every NOAH show since Tomoyose debuted in May of this year so I could track his listings. So yeah, this is his EIGHTH time in the ring. He is in the ring with a guy who made Kohei Sato- the baddest motherfucker in Japan- bleed from the ear. We gotta watch this. Sugiura goes for the single leg takedown and Sugiura really takes a few minutes to come up with a few things to keep himself from beating Tomoyose to death- to instead kinda feign ripping his tendons apart- as I guess he can’t just go in and beat his skeleton directly out of his skin. It would be bad form. Sugiura goes down memory lane and works a headlock- except he really cranks it, making it look like Tomoyose little skull will pop like a bug. Tomoyose appears to want to go back to the 8 man tags he was doing when Sugiura starts laying in a beating. Tomoyose fires back with slappy forearms and a face of sheer panic. Sugiura scoffs at his attack and gives him the “You Gotta Be Shitting Me, Pyle!” look and the ass-beating commences. They go Strong Style with the Tomoyose hitting a lot of shoulder blocks, just over and over again like he knows that if he stops running, Sugiura will bust all his teeth out his mouth and pulverize his organs. Tomoyose quickly tries to develop a revolutionary new breathing technique to allow him to run for as long as the match is allotted to go. Eventually, it all gets Sugiura eventually to the ground. Sugiura responds to all of that with a brainbuster and Boston Crab. He then drags him to the middle and leans into the Crab until Tomoyose can hit the ropes. Then Sugiura just fucking lays in the forearms, pulling him up at two to beat on him and try to get him to show some fighting spirit before just fucking murdering him. So yeah, about as horrifying for a rookie as you would expect it to be. I’ve always wondered why they show these MASTOR-STUDENT matches on TV. I guess they assume most of us will watch in morbid curiosity and then come away with some sort of respect for the unknown quantity trying really hard against the established veteran. Actually, when you think about it, it’s the opposite of a squash. It’s the same set up as a squash. You know whose going to win and you know its going to be a fucking bear mauling, but it would be like watching Sid versus Lee Scott and the focus of the match wasn’t to get Sid over, but to get Lee Scott’s career started. Of course, I value Lee Scott over Sid a million times over when it comes to moments of wrestling that I have loved- so maybe this is a bad example. But I actually go into these Japanese Master-Student things the OPPOSITE of how I rearrange the meaning of a squash with Lee Scott. Here, I just want to see how much Sugiura beats the hell out of the youngster. I’ll track his victim’s career later. I hope all that made sense.

~!~

HITOSHI KUMANO vs SHO TANAKA (PRO WRESTLING NOAH – 7/18/2015)
(DEAN)

More exploration of wrestlers who I haven’t seen yet. According to Cagematch.net, Kumano is a NOAH trainee and has been wrestling for two years. Sho Tanaka is a New Japan dojo guy and has been wrestling for two years. Sho Tanaka has really great hair- all garagey-goth and shaggy like he plays keyboards for the Horrors and scores the most pussy. Kumano wears his pants really high like he is dressing out for gym. I assume Tanaka wins. They work a headlock for a while. Then it’s dropkick mania! Kumano, being a NOAH trainee, throws Tanaka into the rail. Tanaka does the first impressive thing- going face first into the post. You gotta respect that from a youngster. Kumano stands on Tanaka’s stomach and then stands on his face- so each has done one impressive thing so far. Tanaka procures the 1/2 Eudy chinlock and then does a half ass Romero Special and then does a nice Camel Clutch. Thus so far, you have a junior heavyweight match without any high spots- which is totally fine by me/ I like the PSYCHOLOGYofguysbeatingthehelloutofotherguys. Kumano and Tanaka lay in some forearms and Tanaka has the forearm strongness that I might follow after this match- which is his and every other wrestler’s dream. Kumano hits a really nice STO! STO! Haven’t thought about that in a while.Tanaka fights out of a Fisherman Buster but Kumano uses the ref as a distraction to take out the klnee and then they do some really cool roll-ups, so I’m liking both of these guys more as the match goes along. Sho Tanaka does a FULL DON LEO JONATHAN Backbreaker! He does a TOTAL 1/68th As Cool As Arn Andersen’s Spinebuster! And leans into a Boston Crab- which is awesome because all I can think of is Don Leo Jonathan. What a strange moveset for a junior heavyweight. I back your play 100 per cent. Tanaka goes for the fucking EVEREST German and Kumano fights out of it and hits a roll-up for two. Maybe I love Sho Tanaka. So they get back to a vertical base and start beating the hell out of each other. The ref tries to pull Kumano off of Tanaka so Kumano throws the ref across the ring. Okay, fuck it, this is the best WCW Worldwide match in the history of NOAH. Kumano pounds on him some more but Tanaka spins into a Half-Crab and they toy with Kumano hitting the ropes but Tanaka keeps pulling him back until he finally taps. I’m in LOVE! I will follow these two! If I can remember them after tomorrow! FULL WORLDWIDE POINT!

~!~

KAZUNARI MURAKAMI vs SHOTARO ASHINO (TOKYO GURENTAI – 7/15/2015)
(DEAN)

Hmmmmm. I sensing a trend in today’s reviews- a trend I did not foresee. The last time I remember seeing Murakami, he was standing on Yuji Ishikawa’s head waaaay back in the times of BattlARTS. I remember they really just the beat hell out of each other and had momumental pull-aparts. You could feel the hate. It was awesome. The last time I recall seeing Shotaro Ashino is this match right here. Ashino, according to the kind and loving database we call Cagematch.net, is a Wrestle-1 trainee and by the count on his matchlist, this is his 26th match. So yeah, number 26 is a guy who beat the living dogshit out of the toughest motherfucker to ever wrestle. This can only be glorious. Murakami is all ball-headed now. HE IS A BALL HEADED GEEK! Ashino does the smart thing and attacks Murakami before he take his coat off. I’m guessing that he should have run him over with a car before he got into the building. Because, yeah…. Murakami took his coat off and is just beating the living dogshit out of the young fella. Luckily for Ashino, Murakami throws him to the floor. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE SHOTARO! RUN! DON’T STOP TILL OSAKA! Unfortunately, he stays to fight, as he is already pre-beaten into my heart, maybe even moreso that the Young Bucks after that Kevin Owen/Super Dragon street fight. Ashino flies into the chairs. Murakami kicks Ashino’s chest into the hallway. Ashino fires back with some forearms! FIGHTING SPIRIT! Murakami drives him face first into the ring post and knees him in the chest and runs and knees him the face. RUNNING QUICKLY! is what he shoulda done, amiright? Murakami stands on him like he stood on Ishikawa back in the day. Ahh precious memories. Oshino shows more fighting spirit as Murakami taunts him with his dick-like face. Being the MENTOR in the match, Murakami pulls him up after a two count and expects Ashino to show some fight. Murakami is the bioggest dick on earth and I think EVERY WRESTLER ON EARTH should have to wrestle him before he or she can wrestle anyone else. It has to be the most traumatizing event in your young career and would separate the wheat from the chaff. Here, Oshino finds his fighting spirit and gives Murakami all he’s got. Murakami counters with pulverizing him in the corner. After another two count, Murakami taunts him in the middle of the ring again. Ashino has one last flurry of flailing before Murkami puts him away with a palm THRUST! Murakami is not nuturing in victory. It is not the nature of Murakami to exhibit any of the kind and gentle qualities we treasure in our young men. He is Murakami and he is an asshole. A magnificent asshole.

~!~

TARO YAMADA vs RYAN UPIN (GUTS WORLD – 7/19/2015)
(DEAN)

Fuck the world. We are going all in on this search for young and lovable talent! We span the world! We span the GUTS WORLD! GUTS WORLD is named after its owner, Guts Ishijima- or Ishijimi changed his name to Guts after owning GUTS WORLD. I cannot possibly begin to care. Taro Yamada I have never seen before probably and he is- according to cagematch.net- an 8 year veteran from 666 which is ONRYO’s indie. God, you should look at his matchlist. It is the indie-est sleaziest list on the internet..http://www.cagematch…nr=15358&page=4 . I soooooo need to see Secret Base Yokohama Pro-Wrestling. Ryan Upin is 36 and a freelancer and he only wrestles in GUTS WORLD. THEY GOT HIM LOCKED UP TO AN EXDCLUSIVE CONTRACT! Or I’m guessing he has owned the ring for the 11 years GUTS WORLD has been around. Anyhoos, WHICH OF THESE WILL MAKE ME FALL IN WITH SLEAZY JAPANESE INDIE WRESTLING ALL OVER AGAIN?!?! Will it be you, young Taro Yamada- so young, so untanned, so possibly cleaning offices at night for a living! Maybe Ryan Upin- he knows KUNG FU! You got 8 minutes, motherfuckers. Dazzle me. Upin seems less like a wrestler and more like a guy who would be drinking beer with your uncle on a boat. They go with the knucklelock. Possibly a KUNG FU Knucklelock but it is too early to tell. They screw up a knuckle lock. I don’t think GUTS WORLD will be my new Big Japan Strong Style Division. Eh, Yamada does a nice head scissors thingy. They trade knee bars and then actually have a fun little foray into arm drags. Upin does a head scissors thing of his own and then it is old guy KUNG FU posing! They do a bunch of perfectly fine roll-ups and Yamada hits a nice dropkick. WE. ARE. ENTERING. WORLDWIDE. TERRITORY. Upin scrapes his face across the ropes, does a double face stomp, does the really odd but neato thing where he runs the ropes and steps on Yamad’s face everytime he crosses it. They opt for chops and forearms. The wormy, wee Upin wins and hits some lowgrade SPIN KICKZ! This is sooo Adrian Byrd versus Mark Starr on WCW Main Event. Yamada kicks Upin in his aging Jimmy and does a really nice Vertical Suplex With a Bridge! Upin kicks Yamada in his much younger probably less active Jimmy, and lands a hilariously unpainful looking crescent spinning savat spin kick into a Released Romero Special. He misses a toprope double stomp and spectacularly positions himself to be pinned. 1/4 WORLDWIDE POINT. I…I… I don’t think I will watch the GUTS WORLD immediately, but I will try to get to it at some point. That is my statement going forward as a reaction to how exctied these two made me about their wrestling promotion. I did not hate this. They will always have that.

~!~

YUKO MIYAMOTO vs TATSUHIKO YOSHINO (GUTS WORLD – 7/19/2015)
(DEAN)

Let’s review way too many GUTS WORLD matches!  Actually, one review is probably way too many, but the Death Valley Driver Video Review has been around for almost 20 years and we didn’t stay in abject obscurity and financial ruin by pandering to what a bunch of wrestling fan WANTS us to review.  We review what you will ONE DAY want to watch!  That’s right, sparky!  That means watching lots of crappy wrestling and trying to make the writing about said crappy wrestling amusing-  amusing to ourselves at least.  And really, you gotta bull through the crappy to get to the GOLD.  And you got to have a feeling, deep inside where your soul-heart is,  that there is gold in GUTS.  Maybe not.  Maybe I am typing this so I can delay having to watch a guy who I do not watch in Big Japan in death matches- his specialty- but now have to watch him as he has a straight match.  BUT the key is Tatsuhiko Yoshino.  Is he the great hidden wrestler of GUTS WORLD?  He wrestles in Big Japan and K-Dojo (and whatever STYLE-E and Heat Up are- Goddam, there really is nothing better to do in Germany but list all the results for every Japanese indie no matter how preposterously obscure?  I cannot fight my love for you, Cagematch.net.  Your psychotic Germanness is an inspiration to the entire fucked internet wrestling fan community)- so it isn’t like he is in this match because his uncle owns the promotion or something.  As far as I know.  So yes.  Let’s watch some GUTS WORLD!  Yoshino is tiny- tiny as it in not taller than Miyamoto.  He has GUTS on his tiny pants so he must be the VANGUARD of GUTS WORLD!  They went out and printed pants with GUTS  across the buttocks- knowing that that is where the ladies of the Island Of Japan will be sneakin’ a peak when he is representin’ in STYLE-E or Heat Up- not to mention Big Japan, which people like me actually adore- so had bring the goods, wrestling-wise, and I guess buttocks-wise also.  They do a headlock/ head scissors thingy to start off and move into a knuckle lock section and they fuck around for a while more.  It is interesting at this point to wonder what direction this match is headed.  My guess- half assed Junior Heavyweight.   They start running the ropes and Yoshino hits some nice arm drags.  Hmmm, I think this the thrid GUTS match I’ve reviewed in the last couple days and they all seem to morph into WCW Worldwide matches.  I truly dig that.  Show us how your work a match in a vacuum without story line, stipulations or established heel/face structure at the beginning.  Miyamoto does an even better thing- Worldwide Strong Style-  with the chops to the chest to set up a dropkick to set up a 3/4 Eudy Chinlock into a head scissors.  Miyamoto does the fishhooky Camel Clutch and starts going total pro style with the  double head stomp, the fucking FISTDROP~! and  the chops to the chest.  Yoshino finally starts firing back and he hits a really nice missile dropkick and one wonders if Yoshino wants the NJ Junior match and Miyamoto wanted something stiffer.  Miyamoto sinks in a headlock and it’s a really good match structure for this episode of Worldwide- Miyamoto is the established veteran and he is controlling the match with submission attempts.  Yoshino is the up and comer and gets in offense before getting cut off by the veteran.  Miyamoto does a Missile Dropkick off the turnbucle and keeps dropkicking him into the corner before getting two knees to the stomach on his moonsault.  Yoshino does a nice job of rolling through his Crippler Crossface to get Miyamoto away from the rope and he really leans back on it to make it suck for Miyamoto.  Miyamoto throws the ref at Yoshino to break the hold, which is fun.  The finishing sequence is very long and convoluted with lots of Miyamoto using the ref to create all these false finishes which would been really cool if it was executed better, I guess.  Miyamoto hits a really nice Moonsault for two and perfectly fine K-Driller for the win.  I mean, this match is fine.  I was expecting it to suck because I don’t like Miyamoto’s death matches.  Instead, this was mostly well executed- if not overly stiff.  The story was simple and effective- though it would have been better if Yoshino’s offence wasn’t so pedestrian.  So, I’m taking away from this that Miyamoto is a perfectly fine low-grade junior heavyweight and that Yoshino is not the GUTS WORLD SUPERWORKER~! that we were all hoping for when they rang the bell.

~!~

ATSUSHI KOTOGE vs KATSUHIKO NAKAJIMA (NOAH SEM – 7/13/2015)
(DEAN)

Hey, I’m finally getting around to watching Atsushi Kotoge.  I know what I’m getting with Katsuhiko Nakajima.  I’ve pretty much had a thousand chances to watch Kotege.  His matches have ended up in my Watch Later lists- but they always make it the point where I will 300 videos and got to purge everything that know I will never watch.  Of course, if I am blown away here, I can always go back and see what I missed.  Hopefully, that will be the case.  Hmmmmmm.  Nakajima doesn’t pound him immediately, instead he goes for the cissypants clean break.  This ain’t no Sunday school, creep.  He procures the arm wringer and they do some armwringing for a while until Nakajima decides quit wasting my time and kicks Kotoge in the hamstring really hard, and then he does it again!  And again and again and again!Yeeeaaa!  Nakajima!  I had totally forgotten you!  Kotoge does a sliding senton to the floor to nobody, into a forward roll into a superkick.  Neato.  Still not sold yet though.  They kinda wander around the NOAH SEMatorium and don’t actually brawl.  Kotoge gets posted and if he blades HE IS MY NEW BOY.   They do go to the Strong Style I love so much and Kotoge hangs with actual ass-stomper Nakajima with shots to the head.  Kotoge does a really fun Neck-Stretcher 2015 submission before going for the more conventional head scissors submission.   After a rope break, Kotoge gets closer to being one I follow by hitting a beautiful Bionic Elbow and then a 4/4ths Ishikawa headbutt to the face.  That was choice.  He then leans into a kick to the chest.  Kotoge has done many things to endear himself to me.  Nakajima does a nice FRONT CHANCELLORY into a DDT.  But this isn’t really about Nakajima, this about if I can start caring about a NOAH junior heavyweight.  Nakajima does hit a nice Lateral Suplex as the moveset of this match is becoming an unconscious Ode to Greg The Hammer Valentine.  They charge at each other and Kotoge hits a really great looking jumping kick to the faceto set-up a Tarantula!  Kotoge is really quick is really good at getting in position to make preposterous things look good- like he does this thing where he forward rolls through the ropes as Nakajima is hitting the ropes and gets up and lands a really nice DIAMOND CUTTER- CRAVATES~!.  But the set-up and execution would be horrendous without the speed and timing.  They do some two count things that were very indie and overly contrived to set up Nakajima to hit a ridiculoulsy nasty spinning kick to the head as Kotoge was climbing the turnbuckle.  Nakajima follows with a running kick to the face in the corner and missile dropkick off the top turnbuckle for two and not hating anything, but I’m also not really getting to emoptionally drawn into the match until they start punching each other in the face in the center of the ring.  I really dig Kotoge’s Terry Funk-esque weird ass punches.  Nakajima kicks Kotoge to the ground and Kotoge fires back with a lesser than before headbutt and a toprope plancha and perfectly fine Shining Wizard- man, I thought those would never go away, and I was right.  They run the ropes and bounce around until Nakajima punts Kotoge right in the chin.  They thing do an extended roll-up sequences all hinging on if Nakajima lands his kick or not, but it all leads up to a really nice brainbuster by Nakajim for the win.  I dunno.  I could see digging Kotoge but I didn’t see enought of his affense to really get excited about too much.  He should cut out all the kicks where he slaps his thigh and replace them all with headbutts and punches, because they were the best part of GROUND ARSENAL~!  I’m not writing him off, but it will take a couple more matchesw before I’m sold.

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SHELTON X BENJAMIN vs TAKASHI SUGIURA (PRO WRESTLING NOAH – 7/18/2015)
(DEAN)