Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown

[odessasteps]

Off top of my head, trying to think of a team of real (twin) brothers where they had drastically different looks. 

Batten, Cole, Power, Uso, Harris

sure im forgetting someone obvious 

 

[Curt McGirt]

The Bushwhackers were hard to tell apart even though they weren't twins. 

[PetrolCB]

8 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

The Bushwhackers were hard to tell apart even though they weren't twins. 

Pssh, that's easy, man. 

One went "WHOAAA!" and the other went "YEAHHH!".

[Curt McGirt]

I was watching an old Portland match with the Sheepherders the other day and the announcer (dunno his name) couldn't tell them apart even though they had different colored hair! 

[(BP)]

Along the lines of the Lex title change rumor: I was disappointed to find out the story of Shawn shooting his shot with Pam Anderson and pissing off Tommy Lee to the point that she wouldn’t be his valet was a work. I thought it was true for most of my life. I also remember at the time thinking that it was crazy that Pam was married to the old guy from The Fugitive.

[Dolfan in NYC]

Jeff Jarrett is finally on his singles push and beat Razor Ramon for the IC belt at the Rumble, with help from the Roadie, this match is the return match.  And to even the odds, Razor has back up in... The 1-2-3 Kid. 

These 4 guys could have a series written around the 4 of their careers, as each showed both success and cautionary tales on where they all ended up.  But if you'd told me in 1995 that the idiot in the backwards cap who clearly wrote "Ain't He Great" in magic marker 20 minutes before the match started would be the one in charge of SmackDown... I'd have said, "What the fuck is Smackdown?"

I don't know who thought it was a good idea to have Waltman out in silk Asian pajamas... but it was not. 

Now, I should note, that Vince is clearly having one of his trademark crisis of confidence in WWF, because in addition to trying to load up the show with (B-list) celebrities, he's LOADED the ringside with photographers.  And I'd say about half of them don't even know how to hold a camera.   I mention this, because they are getting in the way of everybody and everything.  during their entrance, Kid and Razor make a beeline to the ring, and only the Kid makes it. Razor ran into the photography crew and is literally pushing them aside and barking at a couple because they don't know what the fuck they're doing down there.  

I think I like Jarrett's work more than most. I always thought he was a capable worker and when he had a good opponent, he could have great matches.  This match however.... well, the lack of chemistry there shows as no one in THIS match either looks like they're on the same page.  The match is focused around Razor's bad knee that Jeff injured at the Rumble.  But it's literally been three months since that injury and FFS... it should have healed by then.  

The only other notable thing about this is the dig that Vince clearly is trying to get at "legitimate" sports like baseball since Major League Baseball umpire Larry Young is the special guest referee.  And he does a fine job.  HE actually looks like he's prepared.  (The joke is baseball was in a strike that looked like it could extend to the 1995 season, but the strike ended, and Young flew from Mania to opening day the next day.)

End comes after 17 years of rest holds, the wrestlers getting tossed out, and the 1-2-3 Kid doing "karate" poses...  Roadie chop-blocks Razor as he was going for the Razor's Edge which gets JJ disqualified.  

In the ensuing brawl, it looks like Jarrett got his nose broken (or at the least busted internally) on a spin kick from Waltman that was badly mistimed.  He looks like an Andrew WK album when JR tries to interview him after.  

I've written way too much about this piece of shit.  Next..

[SirSmUgly]

The Blu Brothers/Harris Twins/DOA/Creative Control SUUUUUCKED. Holy shit, I'm watching them do run-ins for Jeff Jarrett in 2000 WCW right now because I like pain, I guess, and holy shit, what a waste of TV time.

The best part about this whole show is Bret Hart looking like he's going to score with Salt-n-Pepa later that night along with SnP's performance. 

I can't wait to get to the main event so that we can talk about how execrable it is. 

They had Bret wrestle a garbage blowoff with Bob Backlund in the midcard that was unsatisfying since Piper stopped it on Backlund yelling a lot, but not actually clearly saying that he quit. He was the most over guy in the company! The second most over guy is probably Razor, tbh, and he's wrestling to a DQ win against Jeff FUCKING Jarrett, like FUCK THIS. 

Man, fuck this show. At least IX had multiple Doinks and Perfect/Luger and a decent Bret/Yoko match (with, admittedly, a deeply unsatisfying finish and aftermath). XI is GARBAGE. 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Smelly McUgly

[PetrolCB]

13 minutes ago, Smelly McUgly said:

The best part about this whole show is Bret Hart looking like he's going to score with Salt-n-Pepa later that night along with SnP's performance.

Ehh, I dunno. I'm gonna need more evidence.

[SirSmUgly]

6 minutes ago, PetrolCB said:

Ehh, I dunno. I'm gonna need more evidence.

This immediately made Bret look like the coolest dude on the whole show, tbh. 

[(BP)]

The Harris Twins were awful, but they were also involved in my greatest accomplishment besides my children being born.

Goddam, I miss Dixie Carter and teeing off in those TNA threads. 

[J.H.]

6 minutes ago, (BP) said:

The Harris Twins were awful, but they were also involved in my greatest accomplishment besides my children being born.

Goddam, I miss Dixie Carter and teeing off in those TNA threads. 

That's how I feel when people on the board will still refer to Tadao Yasuda as "The Ham With Eyes"

James

[(BP)]

21 minutes ago, PetrolCB said:

Ehh, I dunno. I'm gonna need more evidence.

I want an entire Network special about this gif. “No one ever called Bret the Sexcellence of Sexecution, but they did that night.”

[PetrolCB]

I wish the Hitman came down to "Whatta Man".

Or "Push It".

Then at least something cool and memorable would've happened during the show.

Edited May 7, 2020 by PetrolCB

[BobbyWhioux]

42 minutes ago, PetrolCB said:

Ehh, I dunno. I'm gonna need more evidence.

“The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be” was truer than we dared realize at the time

Now i want the alternate time line where Bret Hart and Rick Rude swapped gimmicks

[Curt McGirt]

Bret you bastard, you left the part where you fucked Salt n Pepa out of your book. You owned up to all those other affairs, why not this one?

I am really not sure if I'm joking

Edited May 7, 2020 by Curt McGirt

[Dolfan in NYC]

Let's wrap up Day 31. 

The semi-host of this Mania is Nicholas Turturro who is best known for "not being his brother John". He's in the Green Room with like every heel on the roster.  Speaking of heels, there's Jenny McCarthy of Singled Out and anti-vaxxer fame.  Also, this WrestleMania pretty much exists to let NFL players try to cut promos... one of them actually does well enough to trick a promoter into giving him a contract.   This time it's Neil Anderson and he doesn't do well.

I wonder if they retired the urn because Taker was sick of people taking it from him.  King Kong Bundy did the honors this time, on behalf of Ted DiBiase... who REALLY should have done this match himself, though I believe he's injured/retired by 1994.  Undertaker said in his recent special that no one even acknowledged The Streak~ until like X7 or so, but that's just not true as Vince makes his first mention of it here.  

King Kong Bundy is, at this point, basically useless.  It's very cute seeing him do his "you can't knock me down because I'm so big" gimmick... with someone that is bigger than he is.

At one point Taker takes the urn back, and now Kama (nee Papa Shango) comes out to steal the urn for himself!  He promises to make it into a necklace, which is of course, how he recruited his future ho's.  

Lord this match is terrible.  Taker doesn't even chokeslam Bundy... probably because KKB had no idea how to take that bump. He just pins him off a flying clothesline.  Yeesh.  

This was not a good ride.   End of Day 31. 

[sydneybrown]

4 hours ago, Curt McGirt said:

Bret you bastard, you left the part where you fucked Salt n Pepa out of your book. You owned up to all those other affairs, why not this one?

I am really not sure if I'm joking

I feel pretty confident he slept with Pepa.  It would be pretty awkward to write in your book "I had a promo shoot with Salt n Pepa.  I slept with Pepa...not Salt."

[Elsalvajeloco]

Well, Pepa said she didn't get with Will Smith because he was too much of a nice guy.

Quote

Pepa: “I thought Will was really cute and we would hang out a lot on the road. He liked to take care of me and never let me spend a dime. He was that kind of guy, real generous. I remember when they won their first award, he asked me to go out with him afterward. He was so excited. We were walking along the street getting ready to grab something to eat, and he just gave this homeless guy $100 dollars…I sometimes kick myself when I think about what could have been. He was so nice to me, but I really wasn’t feeling him. I guess I couldn’t appreciate a nice guy like Will Smith. He wasn’t thug enough. I was attracted to thugs and hoodlums. Will was too nice to me.”

Maybe Bret could regale her with stories about growing up in the Dungeon.

[(BP)]

Bret wasn’t into it because salt cost him the title at IX.

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 32

"Not John" Turturro is now trying to solve the mystery of "Where's Pam Anderson?" The correct answer probably is "We only have contracted her for ONE (1) camera appearance", so she has to be hidden at all costs.  He runs into LT's NFL running crew.  And yes, there's Steve McMichael, future answer to the question "who is the worst ever to be in the 4 Horseman?"  And when your friend answers Paul Roma, you know you no longer can be friends with him. 

Oh, fuck Reggie White.

God, this skit won't end.  Turturro "explores" another dressing room, and finds Jonathan Taylor-Thomas whipping Bob Backlund's ass in chess.  Backlund is in full Mr. Backlund mode here and starts cutting a promo on the problem with "kids today".  Based on JTT's age, this makes Backlund the first person to complain about millennials.   Mazel! 

Okay, we're back in the ring. The Tag Titles are up for grabs as The Smoking Gunns have accepted the challenge of Owen Hart and a player to be named later.  Owen is full on in his King of Harts phase at this point, and he's so amazingly good at being the smarmy shithead.His partner is of course, the mighty Yokozuna.  As it has been noted, Yoko had taken some time off to go to a weight loss treatment.  It's clear it went well because he's bigger than he was last year.  The Gunns promo after the Yoko reveal... yikes.

The match is the three other guys working around the pit of Yokozuna's mobility.  For the most part, this works as the Gunns are doing everything in their power to make sure Owen doesn't get his tag.  It's almost like flipping the Rock n' Roll Express style on it's head.  It's an imperfect analogy, but it's what I thought of.  Anyway, I should note that baby Mike Chioda is in charge out here and after a while, he basically allows this match to become a Texas Tornado match as Yoko gets tagged in and then just never leaves the ring again, even though Owen tagged him.  It's fun to see Billy Gunn in his early Mr. Ass moveset.   The finish came as Yoko catches Billy and murders him dead with a Belly to Belly and then a Banzai Drop. Bart made the save, but it only delays the inevitable. 

Owen tags in and it looks like he's about to put on a sharpshooter, much to the delight of the crowd.  But Owen quickly decides, "fuck you all", and covers Billy for his first WWF title six years after his debut.  He's so wonderfully annoying celebrating the win with both belts like he's Chester to Yoko's Spike.  

Have I mentioned how much Owen rules?  

[For Great Justice]

Woah woah woah, we're putting McMichael sub-Roma now?

Gotta disagree sir - "naturally charismatic big dude that is sloppy and dangerous in the ring" was already a defined Horsemen archetype and Mongo carried himself like a Horseman in a way more legit way than Roma.

Roma to me is an early version of the 10.0 Perfect Execution Guy in the ring and had go away heat. Give me Mongo dropping fools with sloppy tombstones and talking shit into the camera over Roma every time.

[(BP)]

I wasn’t always on board with Mongo, but when I heard the story about him knocking on Bischoff’s hotel room door at 4am wearing nothing but a towel to give Eric a handgun as a gift, I thought, “Now that’s a fucking Horsemen.”

[Curt McGirt]

TBH if Flair thought he was a Horseman he was a Horseman, and he did. Roma didn't have that honor. 

That said, Mongo was still the shits

[Dolfan in NYC]

Since this just came up on my Twitter feed.   

Who the fuck was this guy? I started to notice him at Mania 6 I think?  

 

He's absolutely a long term KGB agent that has had incriminating evidence on Vince for decades now, and is so overloaded with evidence and bored, he longs for the days when he could just go to the Crimean Sea and just... Fish.  

Or he's in the Russian mafia.

[Elsalvajeloco]

3 minutes ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Since this just came up on my Twitter feed.   

Who the fuck was this guy? I started to notice him at Mania 6 I think?  

 

He's absolutely a long term KGB agent that has had incriminating evidence on Vince for decades now, and is so overloaded with evidence and bored, he longs for the days when he could just go to the Crimean Sea and just... Fish.  

Or he's in the Russian mafia.

You're just now noticing Vladimir at wrestling events?