Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown

[odessasteps]

2 hours ago, Zimbra said:

OK I've been trying to put it together from context clues and failing: Who's the Poochie on this show?

Years of CRZ have conditioned to me to always imagine its Nash.

[Zimbra]

7 minutes ago, odessasteps said:

Years of CRZ have conditioned to me to always imagine its Nash.

Me too! Hence my confusion.

[James F'n X]

3 hours ago, Zimbra said:

OK I've been trying to put it together from context clues and failing: Who's the Poochie on this show?

It's Cena. This was the year Cena was begging for a WM match, lost in the Rumble, 'used his position' to get into Elimination Chamber, lost again, and then called out Taker and got ghosted.

[Zimbra]

4 hours ago, James F'n X said:

It's Cena. This was the year Cena was begging for a WM match, lost in the Rumble, 'used his position' to get into Elimination Chamber, lost again, and then called out Taker and got ghosted.

Thank you, Cena does seem like a worthy heir to the Poochie name.

[Brian Fowler]

16 minutes ago, Zimbra said:

Thank you, Cena does seem like a worthy heir to the Poochie name.

I don't know that he was worthy of it on a regular basis, but he certainly was on this show. 

[Dolfan in NYC]

See the good thing with the joke is, it works for both.  

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 111

I stopped yesterday with a certain someone looking bored after the women's match, but HARK!   THERE IS NEWS!    Poochie is summoned to the back.  And away he goes!

Now, I think I like Jinder Mahal more than most people. Like, I know he's terrible, but he's definitely got the charismatic part of pro-wrestling down.  In fact, a good friend of mine who is Punjab-Indian and mentioned Mahal to me out of the blue, and we shared a good little chuckle over the ridiculousness of someone calling themselves the "modern-day Maharajah."  Plus, his song is a banger and much better than he deserves. 

Jinder had somehow lucked his way into a several months long WWE Championship reign in 2017 in a period we'd all rather forget. Mainly because any of the other three guys in this would've been better choices.  Not the least of which is the next competitor out...

Aiden English is out on stage to inform us that today is in fact... RUSEV DAY~!  

Rusev is fully in the "fuck it" stage of his time in WWE (in a year it would be the "fuck this" stage, but we're not there yet).  Rusev has somehow turned having a heel second, heel music, and a heel catchphrase saying that every day on the calendar is dedicated to him... and it's made him one of the most over faces of 2018.  Fuck his pop is enormous for a guy that's being treated as a low-card heel. And I think that was one of the main issues, the WWE had no idea what they had in someone like Rusev.  A charismatic big man who could work and talk (albeit, with a slight foreign accent, which is utterly disqualifying to Vince).  I really try not to think about this time with him, because it's utterly infuriating.  

Next out is the United States Champion, who for some reason is Randy Orton. 

And then there's the man he won the US title from, the debuting Bobby Roode. This is another bit of frustration to see nearly 3 years later when they've done roughly jack and shit with him.  NXT proved he could work WWE style, he's got an incredible body, he can talk... they just haven't ever done anything with him.  And so, he again, just became another guy. 

So these guys are out to fight in a Fatal 4 Way, and I'll still never understand why they don't make these multi-person matches elimination matches by default.  It just adds layers of drama to a well-worked match.  And that's what this in fact is.  

Rusev gets a TON of shine put on him. He dominates the first third of the match in fact.  But instead of having him pin someone who doesn't need the title like Randy, he just has to play the cop, making sure everything is nice and quiet before he can finish the job. And so yeah, I guess that's the problem with this match.  

I don't even particularly mind that Jinder won (hitting the Khallas on Rusev), but knowing that this was not the start of a feud - Jinder would lose the title 8 days after this - just made it seem like this whole thing was a gigantic missed opportunity.  This was the big chance to finish making Rusev a star, giving him a huge title win and letting him run the mid-card as a face for whichever show he's on.  All kinds of money just thrown out the window for no real reason, except maybe Rusev has an accent and some racist hick will tweet about how he doesn't understand him.   

Blah.  Moving on. 

[Brian Fowler]

I think Mahal was really fun in 3MB, but he both wasn't world title caliber, and his out of nowhere "jobber on RAW, moves to Smackdown and is champ a month later" thing didn't work.

I already said my piece on Rusev.

Roode... Sigh. At least the team with Gable was awesome before they abandoned it.

[Dolfan in NYC]

So it's becoming clear that the WWE has become a retirement home for MMA fighters.  It makes sense, the skillset is similar, the schedule is similar, you get to make more money, and ultimately, the results do not matter.  So when you're an unbeatable champion in UFC and all of the sudden you lose twice, your career there is basically over.  Here, you can win or lose, and the only thing that matters is if the fans cheer or boo, as needed.  

Enter Ronda J. Rousey, millionaire, she owns a mansion and a yacht. 

Also, she lost two fights, so her MMA career is over. 

So, her debut at the end of the 2018 Royal Rumble was a big moment for WWE.  It got Vince his much craved crossover media appeal and (positive) attention. But the question remained, could she actually wrestle?  So, to hold her hand in her first match they gave her the closest thing to her career path they had, Kurt Angle. Additionally, there's the 14 time world champion Triple H.  

And then there's Stephanie.  

Time to sprint as Hunter decides to ride his spider motorcycle to the ring again.  You know... those things are just $30,000 tricycles.  They look ridiculous and just no.  He's being led out to the ring by a group of female bikers.   Did you know, the NYC Gay Pride parade is always opened by a female motorcycle gang?  Their name, and I am not joking here, Dykes on Bikes.  I'm trying to decide if the women on these bikes are members of the New Orleans chapter, but  with all due respect, having seen the NYC ladies up close and personal...  well, I'll just say these are girls playing pretend. 

Ugh, this is a long ass sprint.  Christ. 

Kurt Angle is out to wrestle his first WrestleMania match in over a decade and gets a very warm reception.  Of course, that's nothing compared to what happens when you hear Joan Jett telling you about her reputation.  It's still a pretty surreal moment and you can see Ronda's fighting herself between mean mugging and smiling ear to ear.  So you can tell she's clearly enjoying herself. 

Now my memory of this match was that people came out thrilled out of a match they were very tentatively optimistic about. Ronda's a super athlete, but that doesn't mean she's going to be a good pro-wrestler. Plus Kurt hasn't had a good match in a long, long time, so there's no guarantee he'll hold up his end.  HHH is also semi-retired, so he's not setting the world on fire either. 

And then there's Stephanie. 

So, the story they're clearly trying to tell is that Kurt is going to try to carry as much as he can before handing the reins off and unleashing Ronda on the world.  And I can already tell you, 5 minutes in with no Ronda, Kurt is going at half-speed from where he's been (because he literally can't go faster) and this isn't holding up.  His portion of the match is just, alright?  He and Hunter have wrestled hundreds of times, so they know exactly how/what to do.  And Ronda's doing her part, selling on the heat segments from Stephanie.  

Finally after what seems like forever, Ronda gets tagged in. Now, as I'm riding, the problem I have with this match really comes to the fore.  UFC Champion Ronda Rousey, who's literally female Brock Lesnar, should, under absolutely NO circumstances whatsoever, sell a bit of offense for Stephanie McMahon, a non-wrestling executive. None, whatsoever.  So, of course, they have 15 minutes where Ronda's offense is not enough to overcome Stephanie's mighty, um, fitness training?  

I mean, she is a top executive at a billion dollar plus company, so she's probably got a good trainer.  But no amount of burpees or muscle-ups that you do are ever, EVER going to stop Ronda Rousey from destroying you.  

Ronda's segment against Stephanie should have lasted no more than 2 minutes.  Really, probably 1.  You've got her for a year, let people know she can wrestle later.  Here she has to come off as, Shiva, destroyer of worlds.  She needs to be Kerrigan, Queen of Blades.  She needs to be scarier than Brock Lesnar ever could be.  Wrestling 15 minutes with Stephanie McMahon, who is perfectly competent in the ring, is NOT how you do that.  It just becomes tedious after a while because you know what's coming and you desperately want Itchy & Scratchy to get to the god damned Fireworks Factory already.  

So yeah, 20 minutes later, there's a struggle to get Stephanie into the cross arm-breaker, HHH gets put into an ankle lock simultaneously, but he counters by tossing Angle into Ronda. They eventually recover, Hunter gets thrown out of the ring, and there's nowhere for Stephanie to run anymore.  She taps within 1 second of being put into the armbreaker, which she could have done 10 minutes before.  

Yeah, I was very sad to see this did not hold up anywhere near to the match I remembered. On the plus side, yes, Ronda comes out looking like a star.  But frankly, she's a bigger star than all three of the others combined, and didn't need this match to bump up her cred.  If you're going to do a match to show Ronda can wrestle, you've got a long series of very good female workers who can do that role. 

As it was, it just wasn't up to snuff on the second watch.  It's overlong, Stephanie is the absolute wrong opponent, and Kurt has lost a step or three.   

Fortunately, my day is over, and we can finish the tale of Poochie tomorrow!  

End of Day 111. 

[Brian Fowler]

Two things, off the top of my head. If I remember right, basically when Ronda was training, allegedly the thing everything at the PC was raving about her selling, so she ended up doing a lot of it even if it wasn't the best idea.

Second, Stephanie... It seems like every time she has a high profile match, the mood going on in is always "ugh, why" and after the match it's always "wow, that was way better than I expected" dating all the way back to the ppv match with Trish long before Trish was any good in the ring either.

[NikoBaltimore]

8 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Time to sprint as Hunter decides to ride his spider motorcycle to the ring again.  You know... those things are just $30,000 tricycles.  They look ridiculous and just no.  He's being led out to the ring by a group of female bikers.   Did you know, the NYC Gay Pride parade is always opened by a female motorcycle gang?  Their name, and I am not joking here, Dykes on Bikes.  I'm trying to decide if the women on these bikes are members of the New Orleans chapter, but  with all due respect, having seen the NYC ladies up close and personal...  well, I'll just say these are girls playing pretend. 

And this is one reason why I love your reviews so much.  That got a hearty laugh out of me.

As for the match the crowd really lost their minds for Ronda and we were loving the fact that Joan F'n Jett is out there for the entrance.  So for the live experience it was great, great stuff.  But it just sucks that since then my opinion about Ronda has soured so much for obvious reasons that it's hard for me to care about the match let alone watch it again.

[Curt McGirt]

Is she still trying to have a kid?

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 112, RIDE 1

It's been a couple of weeks since Jon Huber (the erstwhile Luke Harper) lost his life due to a lung issue.  It's still an incredible loss to the pro wrestling world and more importantly to his family. I am and will forever be baffled by how poorly his tenure in the WWE went. They had a million plans for him.  All of them were bad. And it always seemed like when they started something with him, it just petered out into nothing, either because they'd use him to put someone else over or he'd be injured or his partner would get injured.  It just always was something. 

Well, the last real push for him started about a month before this WrestleMania when Erick Rowan and Luke Harper got put together, yet again, and repackaged as The Bludgeon Brothers.  This is actually Luke's wrestling debut on the main card of Mania. 

And he and Erick have drawn The New Day and the Usos as their opponents, with the Smackdown Tag Titles on the line.  

We're a year from Kofi-mania, we're two years from a possible Uso-mania(?), but they are all here for Bludgeon-mania.  This is a total and complete annihilation.  A complete and total squash match for the Bludgeons.  Re-watching this, my thoughts were god DAMN, this team was fucking great.  Of course, that's as much on the other 4 guys making Luke and Erick look like mad dog killers in the ring.  

They would go on to hold the tag belts until August, which in WWE is a lifetime and a half, but I honestly don't remember any mind-blowing matches there.  Injuries of course derailed it again and they'd be gone by the end of the following year.  

So, SO much wasted potential.   

 

[Eivion]

18 minutes ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

They would go on to hold the tag belts until August, which in WWE is a lifetime and a half, but I honestly don't remember any mind-blowing matches there. 

Bets Bludgeon Brothers match was the final one where they lost them. Rowan worked the match injured. They should have had a better reign, but they weren't give much to do. There is a reason FTR left WWE. Even being tag champs doesn't guarantee a decent run.

[DreamBroken]

My favorite Harper/Rowan match was I think their last match together, vs Reigns/Bryan at HIAC 2019. Absolutely fantastic match, sort of an underrated gem since it was lost on that card with the terrible bray wyatt main event.

[Dolfan in NYC]

Vince at some point convinced himself that to build to an Undertaker match, you did not need a program or even a reason to have him fight someone.  John Cena called him out for a match after the awful debacle that was the Roman Reigns match and there was no response.  So he kept doing it for week after annoying week...  Never a response.  Well here we are and despite some great action in the first half of Mania (and the pre-show) the announcers kept focusing on John Cena and his quest for a Streak match.  

Well, here he is again.  Supposedly Undertaker is here.  Cena calls him out...  And it's Elias that responds.  

Cute.  

Cena destroys the new guy, because that's what happens at WrestleMania.  

He's ready to leave, but.... the lights go down, steam fills the entrance way, and a lone bell sounds.  

What happens next is best summarized by this one frame of a famous cartoon series...

End of Day 112, Ride 1.

 

[Eivion]

I loved Taker squashing Cena.

[Dolfan in NYC]

Ride 2

The crowd is in shock that Cena was just obliterated. But no time to even think about that, because it's time for the 2018 Hall of Fame.  This is again, another interesting class but not because of anyone who was actually introed during the show.  Just as an FYI, the people on the show are: The Dudley Boyz (okay, yeah, they deserve it), Hillbilly Jim (my understanding is this was more for his time as an exec than in the ring), Jeff Jarrett (who, as a reminder, refused to job to a woman until his paycheck was doubled), Ivory (she rules), Mark Henry (he rules, and you owe him money), Goldberg (fine, fuck, whatever), the celebrity is Kid Rock (I watched two squirrels fuck while he sang), and the Warrior award goes to Jarrius JJ Robinson.  

If you want a good laugh (or just be depressed) at what kind of horrific corruption the WWE associates with, Google him.  

But again, the real action happens in the Legacy section:  Boris Malenko, Matsuda, Lord Alfred Hayes (about a decade after his death... and boy is the story of his departure from WWE to his death just depressing as fuck). 

Oh, and El Santo.  

Next up, an HR mediation session gone wrong. 

[Curt McGirt]

Who was the woman in the Jarrett situation? Given I just saw her (unfortunately wearing a fucking Confederate flag cowboy hat), I'd imagine Jackie. Which would make it even worse. 

[odessasteps]

15 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

Who was the woman in the Jarrett situation? Given I just saw her (unfortunately wearing a fucking Confederate flag cowboy hat), I'd imagine Jackie. Which would make it even worse. 

Chynna, over the IC belt

[NikoBaltimore]

Not to go too far back but it still is crazy to think that I was there for Brodie's tag title win.  And I always wanted to see Undertaker with the full-on entrance and everything.  So that plus him doing his greatest hits was nice to see and a good way to recover from the year before.  I think he should have ended it on that but it seemed to work out fine for him in the end.

[Brian Fowler]

Wasn't Harper/Lee in the IC title ladder cluster on a main show? 

[Dolfan in NYC]

Long term storytelling is never really a strong suit for WWE, especially in the late 2010's.  However, through twists and turns, they produced a year-long story featuring Kevin Owens, Sami Zayn, and ugh, Shane McMahon.  The large throughpoints are: At last year's Mania when Owens won the US title he kept it on and off for about 6 months before losing it in a Last Chance match to AJ Styles. He demanded a rematch from SD commissioner Shane McMahon, who refused and insulted him. Owens told Shane that his kids sucked, so Shane didn't take that well. KO headbutted Vince (after Vince threatened an absolutely illegal retalitatory firing if Owens sued), so Shane and KO had a Hell in a Cell.  Owens won after Sami Zayn "turned heel" by helping Owens not die via Shane dropping from the top of the cell.  The feud simmered until boiling back up at Survivor Series, which led to Shane almost firing KO & Zayn.  They were saved by the retired wrestler and now co-commissioner of SmackDown Daniel Bryan.  

Bryan, who had been fighting like hell to get the okay to get back into ring competition, had been a face commish, but had sort of flirted heel when around them.  Eventually, Shane was attacked again by Zayn & Owens, AND Bryan got clearance to resume his in-ring career.  But in one of his final acts as commissioner, he fired Owens & Zayn, which they of course took... poorly.  Of course, beating the living fuck out of your boss isn't a great way to get your job back, but hey, this is WWE, so they get a final chance of winning their jobs back by facing Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan.   

Now, the thing about this match is, it is, of course, Bryan's first match in years.  My memory of it was it was a very good match back and even though Bryan took some cringe-inducing bumps, he did great.  

Rose colored glasses...  

See, the thing is, when I was watching in 2018, I literally was hoping Daniel wouldn't get fucking paralyzed. Probably by Shane.  So, I was glad that he made it through unscathed, but two years later...  Yeah, this match isn't great.  

Bryan gets a titanic pop coming out. Nearly matching the one at the end of XXX.  And why shouldn't it be?  This is the moment of triumph over adversity, regardless of what happens in the ring, this is his "WrestleMania Moment".  KO and Sami come out to nice pops of their own, because, well they're fighting for their jobs and cheering for a McMahon ... No. Of course, something's up when they don't appear at the top of the ramp...  Oops they attack them from behind.

Now, the match itself is basically two handicap matches. Both disappointing in their own ways.  The Shane portion should be Owens and Zayn mugging him for 10 straight minutes.  I don't care that he's a "martial arts master" or whatever the fuck... he's 50, he's a part-timer, and he should not dominate either Kevin or Sami at any point.  Which of course, he does.  Eventually of course, he gets into trouble because 2 > 1. So after selling for a few, the crowd gets the moment they've been waiting for... The Return of Daniel Bryan.  

The Bryan handicap match is odd.  I can't quite place my finger on if it's that he's overeager or that Kevin and Sami are visibly pulling their stuff and being feather soft with him. But the result is a match that I'm just not getting into.  Again, because I'm still thinking Bryan may be paralyzed or a lot worse and it's clear everyone except Daniel Bryan is thinking the same thing. 

Now, I could quibble about the finish - Sami eats a Knee Plus and then taps to the Yes Lock - and yeah Bryan should go over in his first big match back... but he could have very easily taken the loss and began the trek to "The New Daniel Bryan" by viciously turning on Shane at the following Smackdown or saying he threw the match because, again, fuck the boss.  But that's all fantasy booking.  

I think I just chalked it up as a win that the match was fine.  Notably, the second half is much, MUCH better than the first.  But I just don't need to see Shane anywhere near these guys, especially when it could have been someone with history with these three like Samoa Joe or Cesaro.  Shane actively stuck out like a sore thumb and just didn't contribute anything.  And Kevin and Sami, understandably, don't want to hurt their (real life) friend, so they were rolling at around 75%.  Just enough so that it's noticeable.  

But this was Daniel Bryan's match and for what it's worth, he was back, and about to have a pretty good year. Culminating in another huge WrestleMania moment. But, that's next year.  

[John from Cincinnati]

I remember wondering at the time if he'd be wrestling only a handful of times a year as a special attraction. Even thought they had him lay out for so much of this match to protect him. Oh how wrong I was.

Two days later he's wrestling AJ Styles on free television with zero build. And then he'd feud with Big Cass...

Edited January 21, 2021 by Andy in Kansas

[Brian Fowler]

Not giving Daniel Bryan a hot start shine at the beginning of that match is one of the single most baffling match layouts I've ever seen. That crowd was primed to go fucking insane for him throwing Yes kicks and what not. They needed to just give him 2-3 minutes of kicking ass to whet the appetite for his comeback later. Then you do some dastardly heel thing to dump him outside the ring laid out, and go from there with Shane in peril...