DEAN Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE~! for 02192016! PRO WRESTLING HEAT UP- 1/7/2016 [RASMUSSEN] We move forward with the Pro Wrestling HEAT UP! YES! GENERAL TY YAMADA/ SUPER TAKESHIMA MACHINE 1/ SUPER TAKESHIMA MACHINE 2 vs MUSHUKO NO SEKIKO/ MUSHUKU NO SEIKO/PSYCHO: This is odd in the most Dean Reviews Wrestling In Cycles kind of way. General Ty Yamada is Taro Yamada who will two weeks from this match be in a Indie-Fantastic match in GUTS World tagging with Yoshino against Mr Gannesukke and hilarious lummox GUTS Ishijima. I reviewed it here: http://deathvalleydriver.com/forum/index.php?/topic/4642-your-death-valley-driverette-for-02092016-mr-gannesukke-tatsuhiko-yoshino/ Relive the magic. Super Takeshima Machine 1 is Kenji Takeshima (cagematch.net) and the cagematch.net career feature shows that he is your usual indie shmoe until you notice the BattlARTS symbol and the fricking FU-TEN symbol. He was beaten to death by Masahi Takeda and Masato Shibata while tagging with Mohammed motherfucking Yone last May. So two components of this goofball indie match seem to have the makings of a good GUTS World tag title run. PSYCHO is also Gabaiji-Chan- the old man gimmick, which is amusing to you. The Seikos are doing a disfunctional married couple gimmick, it appears. PSYCHO is trying to keep the female Sekiko from going on a murder rampage through the crowd by tying a rope to her waist. The possibilty that she is a tiny Japanese Lady Moondog is too intriguing to really entertain. She is unleashed and she attacks Takeshima and a tornado street fight breaks out. Yamada and PSYCHO have a perfectly fine 1997 IWA-Restart indie juniors match for a few moments while everything gets sorted out at ringside. Machine 2 picks up on the theme doing well-executed junior hvywt-isms as they settle into a regular 6 person match. The wee Moondog Girl tags in and really fucking lays it in on Machine 2- who has to force himself to not sell this because she is a tiny girl, but I assume little tears are being absorbed by his mask as he weeps like a baby. She does adorable and violent things while trying to get some offense in. The Heat Up crowd of drug dealers, Yakuza hangers-on and the generally unemployable back her spunky energetic offense all the way and so will you. Machine 2 is freaked out from receiving the babyface armdrags and hiptosses so much that he bails from the ring. His partners come over to him and huddle up and spin around in a circle to confuse the ref! Though none of the three are dressed alike. That's some idiocy I can get behind. Then it degenerates to comedy without violence, and I can't stomach that in my Pro Wrestling. They were so close... CHANGO vs AMIGO SUZUKI: Amigo Suzuki again! The GUTS World cross-over continues. Here he is up against fellow Ultimo Dragon trainee, CHANGO. Looking at CHANGO's cagematch.net career profile, I realize that I truly never watched a single Diamond Ring undercard. And I'm assuming he is definitely buying the house brand when goes grocery shopping if he is basing his career on the Style-E, GUTS World, and Secret Base checks that he is cashing. This is ladder match because indie wrestling is nothing if not retarded. There is no belt hanging down and the ladder is a 6 foot painters ladder. I guess in the Mathematics Of Wrestling, one ladder shot = 3 chair shots. Now that I think I grasp the ground rules, let's see if I will hate this or totally despise this, as I fucking hate ladder matches just out of general principle. They ignore the ladder early and have a perfectly acceptable mid-grade junior heavyweight match, with Lucha approximations that echo their TORYUMON background, but with the closed ladder now propped up in the corner to enhance the moves off the second rope- so that is good variation on the theme. Then they put ladder in the middle of the ring and do the unique thing of treating it like exploding barbed-wire, as Amigo fights out of hip toss onto the ladder and then fights out of a rana onto the ladder. Okay, I'm not hating this yet. And I commend them on another interesting variation on a trite and cliched concept. How long can it go on? Let's watch! Nobody establishes the dangerousness of the metal thing in the ring anymore so I dig that they try that here. CHANGO punches Amigo in the stomach a few times and finally snapmares him into the ladder which has laid on the ground and opened up like an "L". CHANGO tries slam the top (vertical section) of the ladder onto Amigo who is laying on horizontal section, but Amigo pushes back with his legs. Amigo is pushing back against CHANGO who is standing on the vertical part of the ladder, so Amigo is also driving his own back into the steps of the ladder that he laying on (which is another deathmatch idea- I falcon arrow you onto a barbed wire board because it will hurt me but it will hurt you more. Here in reverse, this will hurt my back but not as much as it would if I were not pushing back against you trying slam the section onto me), until he kicks high and fast enough to drive CHANGO off the top of the ladder and through the ropes. Okay, I'm still in this- as this is the third variation. Amigo lays the ladder out across the ring so that is now an extension ladder and no longer a step ladder. This is the first time that I have seen a ladder match where the really take into account the adjustable properties of the ladder. I have one at home that can go from Extension ladder (for cleaning gutters) to step ladder (for other people in my house to paint walls) to a step ladder (for when my tiny grandchildren will be needed to change a light bulb for me when I am too old and gigantic to leave my recliner). Let us together DREAM of the third variation. Yes, the dream.... Okay, they really threw every possible idea they had at this match as CHANGO twists the ladder around as Amigo is standing on it, catching Amigo's leg between the steps and causes the longest distance single leg takedown in the history of ladder matches. CHANGO then folds it back up to guillotine Amigo in the middle of it. CHANGO gets an assist by PSYCHO at ringside and they throw Amigo back in and CHANGO tries to procure the Camel Clutch and they do some wrestling away from the ladder (which is now in the Step Ladder position). Amigo drop toeholds across the ladder (step ladder position, folded up on the mat next to the ropes) to TRANSITION to offense to lead into a Three Amigos with the last suplex into the ladder (step ladder position, closed, standing against turnbuckle). Amigo wears the ladder like he has GIANT ARMS! but CHANGO catches him and slams the base of the ladder to drive Amigo's chin into the step. They then stand in the middle of the ring it becomes a Strong Style Contest Of Manly Forearms. Chango holds up the ladder to his own chest to charge Amigo, but Amigo lariats over the ladder as they keep running at each other, finally winning- as FLESH beats STEEL! Amigo set up the ladder (step ladder position. Closed) across the corner top turnbuckle and hoists CHANGO to the top, with CHANGO's legs stuck between the steps, like he is wearing ladder pants. Amigo then hits a brainbuster where CHANGO's legs hit the mat while they are in the ladder, and that looked pretty great. Amigo puts the ladder across the second turnbuckle in the corner (step ladder position. Flat like a platform.) and hits a quebradora to set powerbombing CHANGO into the ladder, but CHANGO fights out and starts slamming the ladder into Amigo. CHANGO sets up the ladder (Standing Open Step Ladder position) and hits a Frog Splash FOR THE WIN! Ladder matches are like three way dances and handicap matches- inherently shitty. This is also shitty, but they try so hard to make it not shitty. There is an old saying down here in the South, "You can't polish a turd." But if you could, it would look like this ladder match. But it's really just too much of an uphill battle. We have to appreciate the effort, and I do. It sucks at a very high level. Coming up: KOTARO NASU/ SHINYA ISHIDA vs DAISUKE KANEHIRA/ KOJI IWAMOTO:KAZUHIRO TAMURA vs KENICHIRO ARAI: ~!~ Imagine something of your very own Something you can SINGLES GOING STEADY have and hold I'd build a road in gold just to have some dreaming ~!~ YUJI HINO vs SHIORI ASAHI- K-DOJO- 8/9/2015-[RASMUSSEN]: You can feel free to skip this:I am CLEANING HOUSE! I am on fire! Actually, I did get my youtube To Watch Later list to 20ish from 400ish, so I feel good about that. So then I went to my Daily Motion Watch Later list, got it down to 7 and then found 30 Joshi matches that I have a passing interest (other than Io Shirai making me feel like filthy disgusting old bastard) so I BULKED it up to past 40 again, so I will chip away at it once a week, like today! This is from K-Dojo and has been buried on my list for a while. Hell, it's only 13 minutes and I love Yuji Hino mauling rookies like a grizzly bear! BUT THEN, I look up Shiori Asahi on cagematch.net to see if he has a background in badminton or JUDO~! and read that he has been wrestling 13 years and is 38 years old! I could be his father! If I mounted beautiful ladies in Japan when I was 11! The career section of a cagematch profile is great; I note that he was beaten to death on two consecutive days in Big Japan in March of 2015. Actually, I'm guessing that I actually watched 6-man where he gets stomped on by Sekimoto, Kazuki Hashimoto and Kawakami. So yeah, I have felt pity for this man before in life and I get the feeling that I will again in this match also, because Yuji Hino will lay it in. Asahi's favorite slimy indie to frequent is Kyushu Pro. Kyushu Pro's champion is Mentai Kid- who was trained by Ultimo Dragon because of course he was. Asahi is a veteran because he spends the first few minutes of the match avoiding to make any contact with Hino and his completely assholish chops. It really goes on for a while. Since I wasn't losing my mind to review this too deeply, I back their Lawler stall one hundred percent. I mean, it's 13 minutes long and they don't lock-up until 2:30. And then they do some clean breaks- but they are breaks that are to humiliate Asahi so dig the amount of old school psychology that they shove into a ten minute match. THEN Asahi does clean breaks to show that he has the WILL not to take advantage of the break. This is actually pretty great since I wasn't expecting anything like this. Who does this kind of match anymore? I remember Johnny Valentive would do thesein Mid-Atlantic for no particular reason- because no matter how Valentine tried to portray himself in the match as being afraid of Bill White or Two Ton Harris, you still remembered that he would go toe-to-toe with fucking Wahoo McDaniels. I think it's just a match they would do when they were bored with a regular match. Here, they kill time doing a one hand versus two hand Greco Roman Knucklelock that two-handed Asahi loses and makes a rope break and goes to the floor. Okay, this match is magnificent. If Asahi starts ducking under the ropes to avoid locking up, I would have to make this my 2015 Match Of The Year. Almost as good, Asahi escapes a body slam attempt and heads back to the floor. The build up to the first actually offense for Hino is total fucking textbook old school psychology. And Hino starts chopping and Asahi is completely panicking in a Chris Hamrick-level of Southern scrawny guy greatness, his heels hooked under the toprope to keep him from plunging to the floor as he scrambles to escape. The facial expressions of Asahi as he is a chinlock is pretty classic too. If he bumps like Lee Scott, I may have a lot of old K-Dojo matches to scour. Hino misses a Senton and it allows Asahi to.... flee to the floor again. Yeah, this is great. Hino follows him and smacks him around a little before chopping him back into the ring. At 8:57, Asahi gets his first offense in, very unstiff forearms to the stomach. They have a hilarious armbar exchange and Hino finally starts beating him to death and dragging Asahi back to the center of the ring when he tries to escape. So yeah this is GENIUS because this is pretty much how a match between ME and Hino would go- except I would have sprinted to my mini-van by this point, trying to see clearly through my tears as I drove away. Asahi gets in three roll-ups as we suddenly have a flurry of Asahi - which leads to few more roll-ups and they jam all this wrestling into 45 seconds before Hino latches on ridiculously stretchy Dragon Sleeper for the win. MILLION BILLION STARS. Hino is a freak. This match is fucking odd and completely anachronistic, but completely psychologically sound. It's like they said "Let's see how much of an actual wrestling match we can produce where hardly anything physically violent happens- all before the crowd can turn on it." And they did it. Here's to you, freaks. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x32fo8t_yuji-hino-vs-shiori-asahi-k-dojo_sport CHELSEA vs KAORU- STARDOM- 9/13/2015-[RASMUSSEN]: Hm. I figured I would have heard about this match- on the news at least, as a spree of intergenerational Joshi fans accidentally yank their penises off of their bodies while jacking it to this match. Such a collision of wrestlers who launched several thousand boners- currently and in the 90s. But we are here for more than just the easy masturbation jokes. We also want to see (or maybe just I want to see) how hot KAORU still is. VERDICT: Oh MAN! Allright. KAORU is legit two years younger than me- and yet she looks like this and I look like I just slid off my Amigo at Wal-Mart. Now that the creepiness is sealed back into it's 55 galloon drum, the Actual Wrestling. Chelsea is wearing tiny pants. Really tiny. And the drum is sealed back again. Chelsea is 21, THUS I could legit be her grandfather in some western counties of this sacred soil of Virginia. I make myself sick. Chelsea extends her hand in sportsmanship. KAORU says, to herself, "JESUS, I am old enough to be this girly's MOTHER! And she wants to shake hands? Yeah, right." Chelsea starts with forearms and the stiffness will easily allow you to remember the GAEA between KAORU and Akira Hokuto. Yeesh. KAORU counters with a dropkick to the knee and then a dropkick to a seated Chelsea. I start to turn on this match until they take it to the floor and it starts to MORPH into a brawl and beautiful luxurious hair flies around in the crowd. The action is obscured by a swarm of photographers from wrestling mags and other more specialized media entities (I'm assuming.) Cheslea leans into being posted and I now totally forgive the opening forearms. KAORU stands on Chelsea's head and then throws her into the ring and does a lot of moves where she pulls her soft, managable, youthful hair- seething with rage over the coarsening of her own beautiful hair, as she sprints to next stage of her womanly life. Then it comes full circle as KAORU does the hair-based armdrag variation. KAORU scoffs at Cheslea's forearms to the stomach, mentally screaming, "YOU DO KNOW THAT I WAS GAEA WHEN AKIRA HOKUTO, TOSHIO YAMADA and FUCKING AJA KONG JUMPED, RIGHT?!?! You might want to lay it in a little, child-girl!" KAORU goes back the hair-yanking based offense. She adds the hand-biting section. Chelsea hits a dropkick and does a arm-thing submission and then does more forearms. Her offense is suspect but she will lean headfirst into KAORU's highly diminished offense, thus pretty much saving this match. This Chelsea gal is good. And she wears tiny pants. She sells the KAORU brainbuster like a champ which makes her hilarious chops and kicks easier to take. She goes back to her Double arm leg scissor thing and KAORU makes the ropes again. Chelsea hits a positively WOW-esque Crossbody and maybe I love this youngster. KAORU hits her in the head with a board while the ref isn't looking. Chelsea fucking leans into it like Masato Tanaka in 1998. Yeah, Chelsea is my favorite wrestler to have kinda crappy looking offense- and I base 90% of how much I like a wrestler on how good their offense looks. So yeah, her leaning into stuff to make the match work goes a long way for this little lady. Chelsea does a nice Fisherman Suplex Bridge after her second FFG (without the Flying part) of the match. I formulate the influence of Christy Hemme on the new generation of lady wrestlers but before I can spew any more nonsense, KAORU reminds one that the EXCALIBER~! is still fucking awesome looking. KAORU than hits a beautiful Single Rotation Skytwister Press for the win! Kinda problematic, but I dug it- mostly for Chelsea going the extra mile to make it look good. This will not change your life, wrestling-wise. Annnnd I will stop there. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x37gvqk_stardom-red-stars-block-chelsea-vs-kaoru-9-13-15_sport Tomorrow: Monday, maybe the strangely good Tigger Bedscene matches. Or all this Ludark Shatain that I am stockpiling. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RIPPA Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 HOW THE FUCK DID I MISS CHELSEA VS KAORU?!?!?!?!?!?! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DEAN Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 HOW THE FUCK DID I MISS CHELSEA VS KAORU?!?!?!?!?!?! Seems like you would have sensed it in your pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thee Reverend Axl Future Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Paunts radar failures are balanced out by that sweet AARP discount at the moving picture show. Get used to it, fact of life. old&intheway, RAF 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.T. Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I caught the Chelsea vs. KAORU match about a month ago on Dailymotion. The match is not good during the parts where KAORU is not beating the living shit out of Chelsea. Tiny pants factored in, however, I hereby deem it the winner of the Bringer Of The Funny Feeling Award for February. My paunts radar works perfectly fine. Chelsea needs to go full Ricky Morton and just stick with the three babyface hope spots she's good at and otherwise lean into as many punches as she can. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DEAN Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Chelsea needs to go full Ricky Morton and just stick with the three babyface hope spots she's good at and otherwise lean into as many punches as she can. What he said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eivion Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Chelsea had better matches with Maya & Kairi. She is the niece of one of the killer Bees. I don't know which one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DEAN Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 Chelsea had better matches with Maya & Kairi. She is the niece of one of the killer Bees. I don't know which one. B Brian Blair! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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