Your DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE for 02162016! HAMA~! OKABAYASHI~!

[DEAN]

WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE~! for 02162016!

 

Here ya go.

~!~

BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 1/24/2016-[RASMUSSEN]

Your main event!

 

YUJI OKABAYASHI vs RYOTA HAMA: (Trivial excuses you can skip over, if you wanna. I was going to review this Monday but we had a bit of snow so I was actually home annoying my wife and children!  "Hey kids, let's listen to punk rock from 1980!  You won't hate it all!  I loved it when my grandma forced me to watch Lawrence Welk!  You are the only people under the age of 45 who have now listened to the entire first Jim Carroll Band record!  You don't have to thank me!  I AM AWESOME DAD!"  And then my home laptop crapped out and I didn't want to write it on a Nook or Kindle because it's hard enough to read this when I have full access to a keyboard.  So here we are.) Hama in Big Japan has been a giant wad of fat fun.  Having a big fat guy in your Strong Style Division makes your need for "Strong" to be more developed in your style.  Hama is a real heavyweight- being that he weights 451 pounds (according to cagematch.net) That's a legit MANLY wad of fat and as we say in the Rasmussen Household, "You can't fake fat."  And Hama is really good at thundering down upon lesser-density beings and crushing them unmercifully.  All of his offense looks good because every time he lands on someone you notice that he is GIGANTICALLY fat.  The king of Big Japan Strong Style Division is my fave wrestler, Yuji Okabayashi.  The story of the match is so simple and thus so beautiful- is Okabayashi strong enough to have the offense to hurt this really fat monster?  And is Okabayashi tough enough to get back up after being continually being splatter by be-nakeded ass cheeks of this giant ball of FAT?  Luckily, they don't cute with it.  This is just Hama fucking killing Okabayashi and Okabayashi showing his supreme fighting spirit and desire to keep the belt and firing back with his own hellish, ungodly offense and whatnot.  So yeah, I love the fuck out of this match. Let's delve deeper by going to the tape.  Hama has really thick black puka beads.  I assume he did some surfing before clocking in over 300 pounds.  I refuse to research this assumption.  He also has giants boobs!  Okabayashi has the look of a man who has come to grips with the fact that the fat guy in front of him is going smash his fat into him and onto him a lot.  They lock up and Hama has the subtle facial expressions of "you gotta be kidding, little man".  And breaks clean AS A WARNING!  They do it again but Yuji Okabayashi chops across the chest AND.  IT.  IS.  ON.  Hama is pissed and is enraged as he overpowers the champ while in a Greco-Roman knucklelock.  Yuji kicks him in the breadbasket to escape the knucklelock and goes back to Shoulder Blocks- that starts to look like a crazy man trying to lariat a giant block of Golden Corral customers.  Hama is very fat; there is no give.  I'm sure Hama was crying real big boy tears on the inside- because, sure, its easy to no-sell some chops, but Yuji Okabatashi is fucking laying them in, but Hama has to stand there and NOT go, "HOLY FUCK, MY CHEST! I'M DYING!!" until he can actually sell them later in the match when Okabayashi gets him off his feet.  There is a logic to the Fatman match and that is rule #1. Yuji tries a lariat and loses.  The price you pay is whole bunch of fatness behind an elbow drop crushing you.  Man, Hama does not give a shit.  You get the full measure of his girthiness when he hits an Elbow Drop.  It can do nothing else but suck.  Hama loses chicks to the likes of these pretty boys of the Strong Style Division.  He probably loses the crazy, daddy-issues chicks to the death match guys.  FEEL HIS PSYCHOSEXUAL REVENGE IN EVERY ELBOW DROP, FAUNTLEROY. Yuji sells it with one eye closed, like Hama transferred a stroke to him.  He looks over to his second, Sekimoto, and says, "Do you smell toast?"  Okabayashi is the best. Hama hits the fatboy headbutts and the unstoppable clubbing forearms and then stands with full be-fatness on the Okabayashi giblets.  Yuji makes a face like he should have focused on crunchers more when training for this. Hama throws him into the corner and crushes him with his butt a few times, as Okabayashi tries to chop to escape! But his normal offense where he crushes the chests of assorted Hideyoshi Kamitanis and Yoshihisa Utos of the Big Japan universe falls on deaf gigantic boobs.  Hama answers by running and rolling over on him- making one watch in morbid fascination as to if Okabayashi's liver will fly out from the side of his stomach. Okabayashi tries more ineffectual chops and Hama response with contempt- as he lands a Alabama Jaw Jacker on Yuji, butt cheeks akimbo as he works his way back to tottering vertical base. Yuji gets to his feet with a "heh, beats my pair of 3's" expression right before doing the thing that we used to laugh about when people tried to powerbomb Billy Kidman in every match!  Hey!  World!  Don't try to sunset flip a man with the density of a quasar!  Splatty flabby stinky collapsing on the face of Okabayashi later and we get to the point where Okabayashi figures out that he needs to really put the strong into the strong style and change tactics.  Think of the failed Sunset Flip as a stinky stanky end of the first half and the adjustments are made at half time.  Yuji makes a great face like he just inhaled a rendering plant through his nose. Hama has a face that says, "fuck this punk" and he goes for the win with a splash that Yuji starts the second half by rolling out of the way of!  Hama is really gigantically fat- but the fat bites both ways! Yuji musters his fighting spirit, erases the horrible smell from his mind, and crushes Hama with a lariat in corner (as the first rule of the Fatman match was been satisfied.  The fat man has hit the mat and thus must now sell.) Three lariats into the corner later and Yuji is bouncing Hama's blubber around like a soccer ball!   He goes for the pin and gets two, but it starts to sink in that he HAS to get Hama off his feet.  His first idea is probably not his best idea- as he tries to Argentinianly break the back of a guy bigger than a industrial refrigerator.  He also cannot body slam him, but he does get him up enough to get him off his feet before landing underneath him.  Thus allowing our fat man to pay homage to Rikishi and hike up his tiny pants, do a little butt cheek dance, and crush all that is godly out of the face of a fellow human being.  Hama DDTs for the glamour pose win- but Yuji kicks out!   Yuji chops in defiance but Hama crushes him with giant ham-like foreams and crushes his skull with headbutts before hitting the AWESOME World's Fattest Crossbody in the history wrestling!  Flab smashes Okabayashi to the mat for like the SIXTH time in this match. Yuji kicks out again and you don't doubt the psychology because you saw a really fat man crush him with fatness.  That's a fucking SHOOT.  All you can do is buy it.  Thus the superiority of fat guys wrestling.  And he crushes him again and AGAIN just to seal it.  But Yuji fights out and gets clubbingly forearmed to the floor.  Hama goes up for the most hellish avalanche that Japan wrestling can muster at this moment, but Yuji charges into the side of beef that Hama calls his giant ass and lariats it and Powerbombs Hama off the second rope!  Okabayashi seeing that he only has one chance left, hits two Frogsplashes for the win after getting Hama over for Brainbuster and finally getting effectiveness out of his lariats.  This is how you do a fat man match.  It also helps to have a really athletic fatman, and Hama is game athletic fat man.  I hope he hangs around Big Japan as their Strong Style monster for a while.  I could see a future of fun matches.      

http://rutube.ru/video/bf5df99fbea233234831d4ff0c2f78e1/?pl_type=user&pl_id=1067514

 

 

 

TOMORROW:  Some of these-

EDDY GUERRERO /APOLO DANTES/ CESAR DANTES vs FUERZA GUERRERA/ EL SUPREMO/JACQUE MATE- EMLL- 11/10/1991- [RASMUSSEN]: FRIDAY AT THE LATEST!

VILLANO 5 vs El SIGNO- EMLL- 3/4/1992:

TAKASHI SUGIURA/ MINORU SUZUKI vs NAOMICHI MARUFUJI/ KATSUHIKO NAKAJIMA- PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 2/11/2016:

http://rutube.ru/video/8344baabb1601740da8be10c85a55907

JERRY ESTRADA/ KUNG FU/ HERODES vs MISTERIOSO/ VOLADOR/ ANGEL AZTECA- EMLL- 6/28/1991- [RASMUSSEN]:

LUDARK SHAITAN/ CASANDRA vs FELINA METALIKA/ HAHASTARY- PROMOCIONES HUMO ESTRELLAS FEMENILES- 7/26/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:

KATSUYORI SIHBATA vs TOMOHIRO ISHII- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 2/11/2016- [RASMUSSEN]:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3s2257_katsuyori-shibata-c-vs-tomohiro-ishii-2-11-2016-niigata_sport

LUDARK SHAITAN/ DIVA SALVAJE/ ROSY MORENO vs GUERRERA GONZALEZ/ CHICA YEYE/ LADY APACHE- FED- 2/14/2016- [RASMUSSEN]:

 

[thee Reverend Axl Future]

This is my fave piece of writings in 2016. Gravity should always be a factor in a rasslin' match. There should be a Rasslin Fan Boot Camp for smarky indy fans, chanting NXT hipsters and blindered WWE sheeple. Dean can be the R. Lee Ermey. I try to mentor the young'uns and suppress my innate bitterness as well as my giddiness for odd gimmicks.

bravo,

RAF 

[DEAN]

I salute you in your mutual appreciation of the value of fatness.  You are a man yet a saint!