DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07282015! IF U DNT LK KZNRI MURAKAMI GO FCK YRSLF!

[DEAN]

DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07242015

 

Today, lumpy guys who wrestle.

~!~

SINGLES GOING STEADY

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKASHI SUGIURA vs SHIRO TOMOYOSE- NOAH SEM- 7/13/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: The last time I saw Sugiura in the ring, he and Kohei Sato were fucking killing each other.  I remember Sato bleeding from his ear.  I hadn't realized how old Sugiura was (45) and I was amazed at the level of beating he could take and dish out- considering I am only 4 years older and I get winded just getting up at night to adjust my truss.  The last time I saw Shiro Tomoyose was this match right here that I am fixing to watch.  Tomoyose is so new that he doesn't even have a Cagematch.net profile.  Luckily, the fine folks (or possibly waaay too obsessed folks)  at Puroresu Spirit filled us in (https://puroresuspirit.wordpress.com/noah/shiro-tomoyose/ ).  Cagematch.net did have results for every NOAH show since Tomoyose debuted in May of this year so I could track his listings.  So yeah, this is his EIGHTH time in the ring.  He is in the ring with a guy who made Kohei Sato- the baddest motherfucker in Japan- bleed from the ear.  We gotta watch this.     Sugiura goes for the single leg takedown and Sugiura really takes a few minutes to come up with a few things to keep himself from beating Tomoyose to death- to instead kinda feign ripping his tendons apart- as I guess he can't just go in and beat his skeleton directly out of his skin.  It would be bad form.   Sugiura goes down memory lane and works a headlock- except he really cranks it, making it look like Tomoyose little skull will pop like a bug.  Tomoyose appears to want to go back to the 8 man tags he was doing when Sugiura starts laying in a beating.  Tomoyose fires back with slappy forearms and a face of sheer panic.  Sugiura scoffs at his attack and gives him the "You Gotta Be Shitting Me, Pyle!" look and the ass-beating commences.  They go Strong Style with the Tomoyose hitting a lot of shoulder blocks, just over and over again like he knows that if he stops running, Sugiura will bust all his teeth out his mouth and pulverize his organs.  Tomoyose quickly tries to develop a revolutionary new breathing technique to allow him to run for as long as the match is allotted to go. Eventually, it all gets Sugiura eventually to the ground.  Sugiura responds to all of that with a brainbuster and Boston Crab.  He then drags him to the middle and leans into the Crab until Tomoyose can hit the ropes.  Then Sugiura just fucking lays in the forearms, pulling him up at two to beat on him and try to get him to show some fighting spirit before just fucking murdering him. So yeah, about as horrifying for a rookie as you would expect it to be.  I've always wondered why they show these MASTOR-STUDENT matches on TV.  I guess they assume most of us will watch in morbid curiosity and then come away with some sort of respect for the unknown quantity trying really hard against the established veteran.  Actually, when you think about it, it's the opposite of a squash.  It's the same set up as a squash.  You know whose going to win and you know its going to be a fucking bear mauling, but it would be like watching Sid versus Lee Scott and the focus of the match wasn't to get Sid over, but to get Lee Scott's career started.  Of course, I value Lee Scott over Sid a million times over when it comes to moments of wrestling that I have loved- so maybe this is a bad example.  But I actually go into these Japanese Master-Student things the OPPOSITE of how I rearrange the meaning of a squash with Lee Scott.  Here, I just want to see how much Sugiura beats the hell out of the youngster.  I'll track his victim's career later.  I hope all that made sense.  

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2yljaq_takashi-sugiura-vs-shiro-tomoyose-noah-sem_sport

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$ HITOSHI KUMANO vs SHO TANAKA- PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 7/18/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: More exploration of wrestlers who I haven't seen yet.  According to Cagematch.net,  Kumano is a NOAH trainee and has been wrestling for two years.  Sho Tanaka is a New Japan dojo guy and has been wrestling for two years.    Sho Tanaka has really great hair- all garagey-goth and shaggy like he plays keyboards for the Horrors and scores the most pussy.  Kumano wears his pants really high like he is dressing out for gym.  I assume Tanaka wins.  They work a headlock for a while.   Then it's dropkick mania!  Kumano, being a NOAH trainee, throws Tanaka into the rail.  Tanaka does the first impressive thing- going face first into the post. You gotta respect that from a youngster.   Kumano stands on Tanaka's stomach and then stands on his face- so each has done one impressive thing so far.  Tanaka procures the 1/2 Eudy chinlock and then does a half ass Romero Special and then does a nice Camel Clutch.  Thus so far, you have a junior heavyweight match without any high spots- which is totally fine by me/  I like the PSYCHOLOGYofguysbeatingthehelloutofotherguys.  Kumano and Tanaka lay in some forearms and Tanaka has the forearm strongness that I might follow after this match- which is his and every other wrestler's dream.  Kumano hits a really nice STO! STO!  Haven't thought about that in a while.Tanaka fights out of a Fisherman Buster but Kumano uses the ref as a distraction to take out the klnee and then they do some really cool  roll-ups, so I'm liking both of these guys more as the match goes along.  Sho Tanaka does a FULL DON LEO JONATHAN Backbreaker!   He does a TOTAL 1/68th As Cool As Arn Andersen's Spinebuster!   And leans into a Boston Crab- which is awesome because all I can think of is Don Leo Jonathan.  What a strange moveset for a junior heavyweight.  I back your play 100 per cent.  Tanaka goes for the fucking EVEREST German and Kumano fights out of it and hits a roll-up for two. Maybe I love Sho Tanaka.   So they get back to a vertical base and start beating the hell out of each other.  The ref tries to pull Kumano off of Tanaka so Kumano throws the ref across the ring.  Okay, fuck it, this is the best WCW Worldwide match in the history of NOAH.  Kumano pounds on him some more but Tanaka spins into a Half-Crab and they toy with Kumano hitting the ropes but Tanaka keeps pulling him back until he finally taps.  I'm in LOVE!  I will follow these two!  If I can remember them after tomorrow!  FULL WORLDWIDE POINT!  

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2z9ji4_hitoshi-kumano-vs-sho-tanaka-noah_sport

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ KAZUNARI MURAKAMI vs SHOTARO ASHINO- TOKYO GURENTAI- 7/15/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  Hmmmmm.  I sensing a trend in today's reviews- a trend I did not foresee.  The last time I remember seeing Murakami, he was standing on Yuji Ishikawa's head waaaay back in the times of BattlARTS.  I remember they really just the beat hell out of each other and had momumental pull-aparts.  You could feel the hate.  It was awesome.  The last time I recall seeing Shotaro Ashino is this match right here.  Ashino, according to the kind and loving database we call Cagematch.net, is a Wrestle-1 trainee and by the count on his matchlist, this is his 26th match.  So yeah, number 26 is a guy who beat the living dogshit out of the toughest motherfucker to ever wrestle.  This can only be glorious.  Murakami is all ball-headed now.  HE IS A BALL HEADED GEEK!  Ashino does the smart thing and attacks Murakami before he take his coat off.  I'm guessing that he should have run him over with a car before he got into the building.  Because, yeah.... Murakami took his coat off and is just beating the living dogshit out of the young fella.  Luckily for Ashino, Murakami throws him to the floor.  THIS IS YOUR CHANCE SHOTARO! RUN!  DON'T STOP TILL OSAKA!  Unfortunately, he stays to fight, as he is already pre-beaten into my heart, maybe even moreso that the Young Bucks after that Kevin Owen/Super Dragon street fight.   Ashino flies into the chairs.  Murakami kicks Ashino's chest into the hallway. Ashino fires back with some forearms!  FIGHTING SPIRIT!  Murakami drives him face first into the ring post and knees him in the chest and runs and knees him the face.  RUNNING QUICKLY!  is what he shoulda done, amiright?  Murakami stands on him like he stood on Ishikawa back in the day.  Ahh precious memories.  Oshino shows more fighting spirit as Murakami taunts him with his dick-like face.  Being the MENTOR in the match, Murakami pulls him up after a two count and expects Ashino to show some fight.  Murakami is the bioggest dick on earth and I think EVERY WRESTLER ON EARTH should have to wrestle him before he or she can wrestle anyone else.  It has to be the most traumatizing event in your young career and would separate the wheat from the chaff.  Here, Oshino finds his fighting spirit and gives Murakami all he's got.  Murakami counters with pulverizing him in the corner.  After another two count, Murakami taunts him in the middle of the ring again. Ashino has one last flurry of flailing before Murkami puts him away with a palm THRUST!  Murakami is not nuturing in victory.  It is not the nature of Murakami to exhibit any of the kind and gentle qualities we treasure in our young men.  He is Murakami and he is an asshole.  A magnificent asshole.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2zi28d_kazunari-murakami-vs-shotaro-ashino-tokyo-gurentai_sport

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( TARO YAMADA vs RYAN UPIN- GUTS WORLD- 7/19/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  Fuck the world.  We are going all in on this search for young and lovable talent!  We span the world!  We span the GUTS WORLD!   GUTS WORLD is named after its owner, Guts Ishijima- or Ishijimi changed his name to Guts after owning GUTS WORLD.  I cannot possibly begin to care.  Taro Yamada I have never seen before probably and he is- according to cagematch.net- an 8 year veteran from 666 which is ONRYO's indie.  God, you should look at his matchlist.  It is the indie-est sleaziest list on the internet..http://www.cagematch.net/? id=2&nr=15358&page=4 .  I soooooo need to see Secret Base Yokohama Pro-Wrestling.  Ryan Upin is 36 and a freelancer and he only wrestles in GUTS WORLD.   THEY GOT HIM LOCKED UP TO AN EXDCLUSIVE CONTRACT!  Or I'm guessing he has owned the ring for the 11 years GUTS WORLD  has been around.  Anyhoos, WHICH OF THESE WILL MAKE ME FALL IN WITH SLEAZY JAPANESE INDIE WRESTLING ALL OVER AGAIN?!?!  Will it be you, young Taro Yamada- so young, so untanned, so possibly cleaning offices at night for a living!  Maybe Ryan Upin- he knows KUNG FU!   You got 8 minutes, motherfuckers.  Dazzle me.  Upin seems less like a wrestler and more like a guy who would be drinking beer with your uncle on a boat.  They go with the knucklelock.  Possibly a KUNG FU Knucklelock but it is too early to tell.  They screw up a knuckle lock.  I don't think GUTS WORLD will be my new Big Japan Strong Style Division.  Eh, Yamada does a nice head scissors thingy.  They trade knee bars and then actually have a fun little foray into arm drags.  Upin does a head scissors thing of his own and then it is old guy KUNG FU posing!   They do a bunch of perfectly fine roll-ups and Yamada hits a nice dropkick.  WE. ARE.  ENTERING.  WORLDWIDE.  TERRITORY.  Upin scrapes his face across the ropes, does a double face stomp, does the really odd but neato thing where he runs the ropes and steps on Yamad's face everytime he crosses it.  They opt for chops and forearms.  The wormy, wee Upin wins and hits some lowgrade SPIN KICKZ!  This is sooo Adrian Byrd versus Mark Starr on WCW Main Event.  Yamada kicks Upin in his aging Jimmy and  does a really nice Vertical Suplex With a Bridge!  Upin kicks Yamada in his much younger probably less active Jimmy, and lands a hilariously unpainful looking crescent spinning savat spin kick into a Released Romero Special.  He misses a toprope double stomp and spectacularly positions himself to be pinned.  1/4 WORLDWIDE POINT.  I...I... I don't think I will watch the GUTS WORLD immediately, but I will try to get to it at some point.  That is my statement going forward as a reaction to how exctied these two made me about their wrestling promotion.  I did not hate this.  They will always have that.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2zi7sl_taro-yamada-vs-ryan-upin-guts-world_sport

 

More tonight porolly.

[Lamp, broken circa 1988]

I am excited beyond words to see a 2015 Kazunari Murakami match.

 

EDIT: I love how even from like ten feet away, with blurry footage, and mostly not facing the camera, Murakami is still that intimidating kind of ugly.

[Curt McGirt]

Murakami has to be a bouncer at a really sleazy Roppongi District nightclub owned by the Yakuza who gets paid by getting to beat the shit out of people in public. Partially, anyway. I don't want to know what the other half of the payment is.