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DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 11072014! DEAN motherfucking ALLMARK~!


DEAN

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DRIVERETTE 11072014

I'm going to BEGIN the real time onslaught upon my Watch Later list- as I have finally noticed that there is a shuffle setting that will make me shove my eyes straight into the stark raving nudity of my bloated list of unwatched wrestling.  Yess..  Yes.  YOU! YOU SHOULD BEHOLD! BEHOLD THE PRO WRESTLING~!  YEssssssss, BEHOLD,  THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING~!

 

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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ DEAN ALLMARK vs HARLEM BRAVADO- ALL STAR WRESTLING- 7/29/2014:  Oh fuck yes.  The Bravados went to Japan and suddenly they were no longer HILARIOUS~! but all stiff and nasty.  And here they are invading the realm of motherfuckin' DVDVRMB Beloved Dean fucking Allmark.  Harlem is proud to be an America- where at least he knows he's free- something something something died for he- and he'll proudly stand up something and something something...  you know, that Lee Greenwood song.  The British fans are jerks and hate the US and our good-lookin' wrestlers we send over to scare the men and love the British ladies.  JERKS!  All we yanks wanna do is love on your ladies!  Then immediately fly back the US and never talk to them again!  Look at the upside, at night, while you all are flailing around, trying to please your lady love, she can close her eyes and remember the hot loving she received from the real SEXY American man that ended up with her one night.  YOU CAN STILL ROCK IN AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!  Ooo, that was fun.  Anyway, WOW! this is 22 minutes.  Let's watch, shall we?  The Bravados sing THE National Anthem after requesting that everyone stand up and put their hands over their hearts but it's dark so I can't tell if the crowd does or not.  I wept with patriotic fervor.  Harlem doesn't hit all the notes with his mouth BUT HITS THEM WITH HIS HEART!  The jerk brits are in love with Deano even after us saving y'alls bacon in World War 2 and shit.  All Star Wrestling is fucking awesome.   Bravado starts a U-S-A chant and I chant to myself in my head.  They lock up and I note that Harlem towers over Deano and the Bravado boy has been beefing up.    Deano is such a great babyface and the crowd is so into his spindling of the fine American wrist of Harlem Bravado.  Harlem does a great wad of stalling after the leg drop to the wrist and draws Deano in and gets the advantage and starts giving Deano the bizness.  Allmark counters out of wristlock- which I think they only do in England now- and they do a really great 1970s studio wrestling opening segment on the mat in front of the only fans that would be rabid for this, in this day and age.  All Star is fucking awesome.  They morph into the in-ring low-intensity high-flying and Allmark goes back to the wrist.  Allmark cuts off all offense of Harlem with deep armdrags- just like Ricky Steamboat would cut off Bill White in 1977.  This is great stuff.  Harlem with the ten-punch counter via a Hotshot across the top ropes which drags this match into the mid-1980s. Harlem drops a leg across the throat as Allmark hangs over the apron.  Allmark makes with the European Uppercut hope spot but Bravado keeps cutting him off with low-grade evil offense up until Allmark counters a sleeper counter until getting jawbreakered and THUS is sleeper countered back into a THIRD sleeper but with Harlem actually getting him off his vertical base and sleepering him onto the mat.  Allmark getting the crowd behind him as he goes from the mat to his vertical base to shooting Harlem into the ropes was EXACTLY like Dusty Rhodes did every time I ever saw him wrestle live at the Richmond Coliseum.  Allmark goes all WCW-era Silver King with assorted in-ring lucha spots as they head into the finish.   Deano sets up Harlem for a MORTAL~! but the other Bravado grabs Allmark and gives the young Brit a good All American Talkin to!  Harlem Bravado, being a great American, wins with the greatest wrestling hold in American Wrestling Evildom- yes, comrades, the Schoolboy With a Handfull Of Tights.  GOD BLESS THE USA. FIFTY MOTHERFUCKING STARS AND 13 MOTHERFUCKING STRIPES!    


 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KOHEI SATO/ SHUJI ISHIKAWA vs TSUTOMU OSUGI/ HERCULES SENGA- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 11/6/2014:  MuttonandTheHam somehow got the whole card of yesterday's Big Japan show- so YEEHAW THE INTERNET~!  The first match is the good-lookin assorted Yapper Men who make up the Speed Of Sounds.  Sato and Ishikawa are going to beat the fuck out of them, I'm assuming.  I'm very excited.  I wonder how much of this whole card I can watch after the actual wrestling ends and the death matches kick in.  Senga wrote his name on his paunts so I can tell these Speed Of Sounds guys apart.  Ishikawa towers over both but REALLY towers over Oosugi THUS the SoS guys use highflying as a weapon- utilizing the double tope suicida straight out the gate to get a few minutes respite from the impending ass-stomping.  Ishikawa and Sato are good rudos and kill a few fans in the first two rows as they are crushed by the tiny babyfaces.  Ishikawa cuts the merry proceedings short by flattening the little fellas with full Mil Mascaras Fatboy flying body press, signally the Beginning Of The Beating Of The Tiny Folk.  Ooosooogi is game, going straight up to Kohei Sato and elbowing him in the face three times.  I would only do that if I were throwing them from a speeding car.  Kohei responds  by crushing his head and blasting his lungs out of the front of his chest.  And then slamming him really hard so Ishikawa can twist his skull around in impossible directions.  That match is pretty great.  Sato and Ishikawa will beat some heat onto a babyface.  Oosouoogi receives a Sato Giant Swing because the wrestling gods hate Speed of Sounds and are letting Sato wrestle whimsical wrestling spots betwixt punching the fuck out of these little fellas.  I await the Shuji Ishikawa Skytwister Press.   Ishikawa does a Kevin Sullivan stomach stomp and I'm guessing Speed of Sound double teamed Ishikawa's grandma in a non-wrestling fashion at some point or something.  Sato misses a shoulderblock into the corner and Oosugi makes the hot tag and Senga does the great You Gotta WANT IT Swinging DDT on the gigantic Sato and it is a great day for 5'2" wrestlers everywhere.  Ishikawa decides to cut of the Little Guy Joy Fountain and crush Senga with a Clubbing Forearm.    Senga uses youth, speed and agility to not immediately die but Ishikawa seems to be over the youthful exuberence shit and double stomps Senga off the second rope.  Senga escapes the powerbomb but Osugi gets the PRIVILEGE of getting slaughterized by a Ishikawa lariat in the corner.  Jesus, Ishikawa will fucking kill a motherfucker with a lariat.  Ishikawa then does that thing he does every match where he sells giant wads of bayface offense because he's a professional and shit and wants these little folks to look good before he fucking just fucking KILLS Osugi with a powerbomb.  I mean FUCKING DESTROYS Osugi with a powerbomb.  More fun-loving than ass-beating, but who doesn't love fun.


 

 

MONDAYish:  More of this Big Japan Card. YEAH DADDY!

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