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Dropped crock pot lid from high place. Shattered. Glass is everywhere, including all over the counter, in the drying rack for the baby's bottles, in the space between the wood panels in the floor and yes, in the garbage disposal. Baby is caged and pissed off. We're trying to get out of defcon 4 here.

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Not sure if I want to type this, but here we go...look at that, typing away. Maybe this is a big FUCK ME, but my mother has been going through another battle with cancer. This time it's in her bones, and there's a worry it will spread to her brain and some vital organs...and I've got nothing. I did this twelve years ago, when she lost all her hair and both breasts and was (to be blunt) gutted like a fish and left for dead, and I watched her overcome and be "cancer free" for ten-plus years.  But what does "cancer free" even mean? If you watch Food Matters, it really means fuck all...which was proven when it came back in a big way in this little woman of 5-foot-nothing.  I did all my wallowing and abused myself chemically and got all this shit out of my system when I was 26 years old. Now I'm 38 and got an extra 12 years with her that maybe I didn't deserve...and I'm not ungrateful for that and I'm not a heartless douche (at least I don't think so), but she is talking about DNR and what's to be done with her ashes and my sister is losing her shit and I'm just trucking away like this is another day of the week: I've got a divorce and two jobs and two kids to raise 3.5 days a week and a new relationship that's kinda tricky and yeah...numb to this whole "mother dying of cancer" gimmick.  There, I said it. Fuck.

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I was raised to believe that life doesn't give you more than you can handle.  That said, it sure bends you over a barrel and leaves you out to dry.

 

The time we get with those we love is deserved.  Don't ever think otherwise, Marty.  If your mother survived that health scare 12 years ago, it was for lots of good reasons.  Your kids got to know their grandma.  That's a huge reason, and those memories will be in your family forever.  That's a good thing.

 

Sometimes, you just have to shut yourself off emotionally, just a bit.  It doesn't make you bad or uncaring.  Rather, it's a self-defense mechanism.  The world is a good place (IMO) but it can kick you around without mercy at times.  So that's when free will comes in and you have to have mercy on your own psyche.  Obviously, you care.  Just don't push yourself beyond your rope.  That's no good for anyone.

 

Everyone, as much as we hate to admit it, knows when we're extended beyond our limitations.  Your mother went through this once, and it seems that she's trying to be realistic about what may happen.  That's hard to comprehend when it comes to good parents who we want to live to 200.  But that's not how it works, obviously.  As morbid as it may be, at least your mom is in a position to help guide you toward her wishes, should they be needed.  That can help more than we realize, as much as it hurts in the moment.

 

Sometimes, we just don't have the answer.  And that's okay.  Just do what you can, and know that's enough, and that you're enough.  We're all enough, even we're not smart enough to know it.

 

Be well.

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Not sure if I want to type this, but here we go...look at that, typing away. Maybe this is a big FUCK ME, but my mother has been going through another battle with cancer. This time it's in her bones, and there's a worry it will spread to her brain and some vital organs...and I've got nothing. I did this twelve years ago, when she lost all her hair and both breasts and was (to be blunt) gutted like a fish and left for dead, and I watched her overcome and be "cancer free" for ten-plus years.  But what does "cancer free" even mean? If you watch Food Matters, it really means fuck all...which was proven when it came back in a big way in this little woman of 5-foot-nothing.  I did all my wallowing and abused myself chemically and got all this shit out of my system when I was 26 years old. Now I'm 38 and got an extra 12 years with her that maybe I didn't deserve...and I'm not ungrateful for that and I'm not a heartless douche (at least I don't think so), but she is talking about DNR and what's to be done with her ashes and my sister is losing her shit and I'm just trucking away like this is another day of the week: I've got a divorce and two jobs and two kids to raise 3.5 days a week and a new relationship that's kinda tricky and yeah...numb to this whole "mother dying of cancer" gimmick.  There, I said it. Fuck.

 

Holy shit, dude :(

 

People deal with shit in different ways. You don't have to justify your coping mechanisms to anybody. Just keep doing what you do, so long as it works for you.

 

Stay strong, man. You got a lot of friends here, and we're pulling for you.

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Not sure if I want to type this, but here we go...look at that, typing away. Maybe this is a big FUCK ME, but my mother has been going through another battle with cancer. This time it's in her bones, and there's a worry it will spread to her brain and some vital organs...and I've got nothing. I did this twelve years ago, when she lost all her hair and both breasts and was (to be blunt) gutted like a fish and left for dead, and I watched her overcome and be "cancer free" for ten-plus years.  But what does "cancer free" even mean? If you watch Food Matters, it really means fuck all...which was proven when it came back in a big way in this little woman of 5-foot-nothing.  I did all my wallowing and abused myself chemically and got all this shit out of my system when I was 26 years old. Now I'm 38 and got an extra 12 years with her that maybe I didn't deserve...and I'm not ungrateful for that and I'm not a heartless douche (at least I don't think so), but she is talking about DNR and what's to be done with her ashes and my sister is losing her shit and I'm just trucking away like this is another day of the week: I've got a divorce and two jobs and two kids to raise 3.5 days a week and a new relationship that's kinda tricky and yeah...numb to this whole "mother dying of cancer" gimmick.  There, I said it. Fuck.

 

Holy shit, dude :(

 

People deal with shit in different ways. You don't have to justify your coping mechanisms to anybody. Just keep doing what you do, so long as it works for you.

 

Stay strong, man. You got a lot of friends here, and we're pulling for you.

 

 

This. Well put.

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This is super self-indulgent and childish, compared to all the heavy shit in the world, but still.  I got into a 'discussion' yesterday with an acquaintance when I mentioned the continued research on self-driving cars (I've been binging on Freakonomics Radio, and they had a little five-minute segment on GM/Carnegie Mellon's project, which sounds like it'll have advantages over the Googleprius.)  This person was upset enough to shout when I said I was looking forward to their being street-legal and readily available, because it isn't fair to potentially put cab drivers, OTR truckers, etc. out of business.  This guy seemed to feel that my continued inability to achieve the basic self-determination that she takes for granted was an acceptable loss to prevent automation of those industries.  Of course, the idea that we should just outlaw private ownership of vehicles for personal use and force everyone onto mass transit and cabs was "insane" and "fascist."  So fuck you to him, fuck you to Jaron Lanier (who recently railed against the concept in his Who Owns the Future?) and every other Goddamned Luddite who would discriminate against those incapable of driving themselves, rather than trust in humanity to adapt and either (1) find ways to provide a human-driver service that offers something an autonomous car can't or (2) make their way another way.  If what's good enough for you is too dangerous for me, then just go kill yourself and make the world a better place.

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I have had a fever on and off since Sunday. Which marked the appearance of a knot/cyst on my shoulder blade that is the size of my fist. Even walking into my living room leaves me exhausted and I can only sleep for four hour intervals at best, because the cyst hurts so bad. I'm fucking miserable right now. At this point, ready to head to the ER.

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This is super self-indulgent and childish, compared to all the heavy shit in the world, but still.  I got into a 'discussion' yesterday with an acquaintance when I mentioned the continued research on self-driving cars (I've been binging on Freakonomics Radio, and they had a little five-minute segment on GM/Carnegie Mellon's project, which sounds like it'll have advantages over the Googleprius.)  This person was upset enough to shout when I said I was looking forward to their being street-legal and readily available, because it isn't fair to potentially put cab drivers, OTR truckers, etc. out of business.  This guy seemed to feel that my continued inability to achieve the basic self-determination that she takes for granted was an acceptable loss to prevent automation of those industries.  Of course, the idea that we should just outlaw private ownership of vehicles for personal use and force everyone onto mass transit and cabs was "insane" and "fascist."  So fuck you to him, fuck you to Jaron Lanier (who recently railed against the concept in his Who Owns the Future?) and every other Goddamned Luddite who would discriminate against those incapable of driving themselves, rather than trust in humanity to adapt and either (1) find ways to provide a human-driver service that offers something an autonomous car can't or (2) make their way another way.  If what's good enough for you is too dangerous for me, then just go kill yourself and make the world a better place.

 

I don't think it's that indulgent or childish. People like your acquintance (i.e., people who want to disadvantage almost everyone, just to protect a few special interest groups - how is that the more fair option?) drive me crazy. And I don't even have the same investment in the issue as yourself. Sure, it would suck for cabbies, truck drivers, etc., but driverless cars would have the potential to be more environmentally friendly, as well as more time efficient, cheaper, and safer for millions of people. The net gain would be huge. And it's not like those people displaced wouldn't be able to transition to other jobs. People have made that argument again change a million times with all sorts of industries (e.g., outsourcing manufacturing jobs will destroy America), and while it definitely hurts people in the short run, people always seem to adjust to change in the long run. No reason to think it would be any different here.

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