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Divorce


Craig H

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There are times when parents who should've divorced but stayed together messes up the kids worse then if they had divorced. Sending sexts to old flames is the closest signal you're going to get beyond actually catching her cheating that it's not going to work out.

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I'll refrain from telling you what YOU should do Craig, but let me just relay a little something from my life. I married my ex after we'd dated for about a year and a half. I was sure she was who I was gonna spend my life with. She told me that she wanted a divorce 3 months after we got married. Had never shown any hints whatsoever. I came to find out she'd been flirting with a co-worker. I was blindsided, and it crushed me. Cried uncontrollably for weeks on end, the works. We briefly tried a reconciliation after the divorce was finalized but it just didn't work. I thought that was it, that I may as well just start counting the days until I died. About 18 months or so later, I met this amazing girl who I hit it off with immediately. Over 5 years later we're still together, and I have legitimately never been happier. My point is, shit seems bleak now and rightfully so but if you hang in there life will reward you eventually. 

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At the risk of unintentionally hijacking this thread, don't you guys think you get married very quickly? In the UK most of my friends have been together for four or more years before pulling the trigger. My best friend in Canada proposed to his old lady on their first anniversary. It seems like a year or two is not a great sample to base the next 40+ on.

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Oh I totally agree in hindsight that I jumped the gun way too early. Like I said my girlfriend and I have been together 5 years now and still aren't married, and are in no huge hurry to do so. 

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Normally I avoid 'serious' threads in my wrestling forum, but I have to agree with whoever said that selling the house would be the best idea if you can't afford to keep it.  You mention it is for your child, well if you are struggling to pay bills and get by, a stressful money situation isn't going to make it any easier.

 

To put some fact behind my opinion - my parents got divorced when I was six.  They sold the house and went their own separate ways.  Now of course this wasn't easy for a variety of reasons for me, but in no way did I care that we moved into a new house (well two new houses).  I confirmed with my mother that myself and my brother didn't care at all that our location changed.  The whole "family home" thing in general just isn't something I think that kids think about unless the house was built by a great-grandfather and always lived in by the family, which is different.  To me, personally, being able to be financially stable to support your child is more important than the "family home" theory that I don't think most kids really are concerned about.  The whole conversation is "Honey, we are moving to a new house.  You'll have a bigger room!"  "Yay!"

 

Just one person's opinion, but since I lived it I thought I'd throw in my two cents.  Good luck with everything.

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At the risk of unintentionally hijacking this thread, don't you guys think you get married very quickly? In the UK most of my friends have been together for four or more years before pulling the trigger. My best friend in Canada proposed to his old lady on their first anniversary. It seems like a year or two is not a great sample to base the next 40+ on.

I live in Alabama, it is nearly impossible to find someone over twenty that is not married with kids and or been divorced three times. 

Call me old fashion but whatever happened to living in sin. 

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I'm sorry, but nudie pictures?  If that's what she's doing, get out now.  That seems harsh, and I don't mean for it to be, but if a chick is sending naked pics to another guy, emotions have already developed, at least on her end.  Most women don't do that unless they've caught feelings for someone.

 

Have you ever considered that you're being strung along in the event that whatever she thinks she'll have with the other guy doesn't work out?  Sounds like she's trying to play both ends. And I can almost guarantee that he's not going to leave his wife for her.

 

I just don't like the sound of it.  It seems manipulative.

 

I appreciate you wanting to keep things stable for your daughter.  It's admirable, wish more parents would do it.  But a divorce doesn't mean that either you or your wife will stop loving your child.  Honestly, your daughter's life could easily be more impacted by parents trying to string along an unproductive marriage.  Just something to think about.

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And will you be able to find a bank/financing company to let you refinance the house in your name only when you owe quite a bit on it, are burdened with other debt, will have only one income and will most likely have to pay child support, up to 25 percent of your income?

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I have (thankfully) not had to go through a divorce, but in my experience with people cheating (sending sexts, pics, actual physical contact) they always do it again.  I don't want to say that people never change....but it's kind of true.  The idea that she got it out of her system, or that it was just a stupid mistake is one you'll probably want to cling to in an attempt to fix things. I've been down that road with a girlfriend before, and I was burned badly by it.

 

Whatever happens I hope you and your daughter come out of it healthy and happy.  I think the most important thing is that you put your child first, and based on what I've seen from your posts that's exactly what you're doing.  So long as you keep that in mind I'm sure you'll figure the rest out.

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What Rippa said in re his nephew.

 

You and your wife are still parents, which means that despite your differences you are still going to have to reinforce the others authority.  You will actually have to communicate more not less to a person you may eventually not even be able to stand the sight of.

 

Do not put your kid in the middle of a fucking civil war and don't let the kid play you against each other.

 

And be honest with your kid about the divorce because kids aren't dumb.  If Maya asks you questions about "why mommy and daddy don't live together" at an early age, she deserves an explanation befitting her level of understanding.  Be simple and plain and don't expect her to understand everything, but tell her that you will talk more about the way things are when she gets older.

 

The less you shield your kid, the better.  Let her process it the best way she can and remind her that you love her and are proud of her.

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I appreciate everyone's thoughts on the matter. There's still so much to discuss with my wife and so much to work through. I at least want to get through the holidays first. The holidays are always the best time too. Thanksgiving at her dad's was awesome and I'm guessing Christmas will be as well. I'm not dreading it at all, except for the thought that this could be my last Christmas with all of them. I'm sure none of them are, or will be, thrilled with the aspect of that as well.

 

As for what my wife did, that's over. Too many people know and it's something she isn't going to do. My rationale is it was a self-destructive move. It is what it is and I'm willing to forgive.

 

As for us, we've had a couple long talks and the last thing she wants is for us to become adversaries. We both know so much about each other and care for each other a ton that regardless of what happens with our marriage, we still don't want to ruin our friendship. The more I've thought about us, the more I thought that we were probably not meant to be married. I've talked to others who said the same thing about their ex. The one thing that matters the most though, is my daughter. We both brought her into this world and we both want to be the best parents for her and fucking with each other through a divorce or being dicks to each other is going to fuck that up. Another thing is that in an ironic sense, all of this has made me really evaluate what I want in life. I still want my wife and the partnership and friendship with her, but I also don't want to be walked on and disrespected. I also don't want to disrespect my wife or whoever I wind up with by spending irresponsibly and misusing a credit card for stupid shit.

 

As for my daughter, my therapist put it best that when Maya asks why we aren't together, we tell her that we still love her and she's fortunate to have two parents that love her so much and want to each give her a home. That makes sense to me. I just hope she goes for it.

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As far as the in laws go. It doesn't always turn out bad. My dad's family, well most of them, get along with mom just fine. Grandma Tippie and mom get along really well. They realize how much of a goof my dad is. Sure, there are disagreements, but that's all a part of being human.

On the financial front. I have had to take a few of my bills to collections. The people I owed wanted *ALL* their money at once. With collections, I was able to make payment plans. It might not be your cup of tea, but it may be an option.

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By the way. Everyone responding here has been awesome. Same goes to the people reaching out to me on Facebook or on her via PM. Should anyone else have to go through this, I hope they can see what kind of a good environment we have here, regardless of the nonsense goofy crap that goes on in other threads, and feel comfortable with coming out for help.

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By the way. Everyone responding here has been awesome. Same goes to the people reaching out to me on Facebook or on her via PM. Should anyone else have to go through this, I hope they can see what kind of a good environment we have here, regardless of the nonsense goofy crap that goes on in other threads, and feel comfortable with coming out for help.

We will love and support you no matter what, Craig.

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If child support becomes an issue, make sure you file for joint primary physical custody.  It should actually work in your favor, as you still will have the house, and the courts try to keep the kid in familiar surroundings.  

 

Not to be a cynic, but when you were saying that you and the wife are "getting along", stay on point, and don't fall for the Banana in the Tailpipe.  I'm only speaking from my personal experience, but after my daughters mom and I broke up, everytime she was nice to me, it was because she did something dicky(like try to file for sole custody), and tried to lull me into a false sense of security. 

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  • 1 month later...

Bumping this because of some huge changes. To start, I'm going to visit a lawyer for my own sake because I need some kind of legal advice and I need someone to ask questions that are legal related. She's under the assumption that we'll just figure this all out ourselves, but I don't want to get to a point and be caught with my pants down where we then need lawyers and I have to get one at the last minute. I would like to know everything going forward.

 

I made the decision to sell the house. I started thinking that if we made enough off the house, then I could clear a significant portion or all of my credit card debt and have enough for a down payment on a smaller house. I also thought back to when we bought this house. One of the big reasons we bought this house as because it was close to her work. I don't need to live near the Indiana-Michigan border. I could live closer to Notre Dame if I wanted, or other parts of South Bend, like the Mishawaka and Osceola areas. That frees me up to find at least a 2 to 3 bedroom house with 1.5 to 2 bathrooms and a basement.

 

As for selling the house, a realtor came out to do her initial assessment last week and she'll be out again on Wednesday to let us know what we need to do to sell this house.

 

My soon to be ex-wife started dating again. I...I am happy about that development. I wasn't at first, but I feel like it makes me look better in comparison. She first broke it to me that she joined Match.com and then less than a week later told me she was going out on a date on a specific day. She's been on at least 5 dates and I suspect she went out of town to Grand Rapids last night to hang out with a dude. Again, that's fine. I was shaken up about it at first, but then I thought, "fuck her."

 

I'm sure it doesn't make me a good person, but I also joined Match and OKCupid. I've spoken with a handful of women on there, but for the last week or two there's been one woman in particular I've really been chatting with and I went on a date with her last night. I have a good feeling about her and I don't want things to get fucked up with her. We're going to meet again on Wednesday and she's super excited about it, as am I. What I'm not excited about is really explaining my living situation. We got into some heavy topics last night, but the ending of my marriage wasn't one of them. I really need to explain that my wife and I are still in the same house, but live on different floors and there's absolutely zero feelings left, other than, end the marriage and move on. I never expected to meet someone this quickly and it's a little bit more than a rebound type situation and that's what's troubling me the most. I thought I'll go on some dates and what not, but not find someone I had a lot in common with right away. Maybe I explain it that way, I don't know.

 

And now I'm thinking of just moving up the divorce timeline even further and asking my wife to move in with her friend now. Maybe she lives with her friend for part of the week, I live at my brother's the other part, and then we trade weekends back and forth with Maya.

 

Compared to where I was when I first started this thread, I'm a whole hell of a lot farther along. I don't care about my wife anymore, I want happiness, I don't want to keep this house and I want a smaller house to be more financially secure, I'm fine being a single dad, I'm fine with moving on and dating, and I'm in great shape. Things are looking up.

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I'm glad you're getting legal advice.  No need of being caught off-caught by anything if that can be prevented.

 

It's about doing what's best for you and your daughter.  Find a new home, maybe a new friend.  Moving forward is the best way to show your ex that the world doesn't stop with her.

 

Best wishes.

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