Smugly reviews all of Lucha Underground (or at least tries to before it becomes hard to find on the internet due to takedowns and capricious copyright holders)

[tbarrie]

4 hours ago, SirSmUgly said:

Uh-oh. In that case, I boldfaced twiztor and zendragon in the WCW thread, and they're going to be pissed to know that they're part of the 2000 WCW roster. I don't need them showing up at my house and demanding edits. 

My first thought was, yeah, they got the worse end of that deal. But wouldn't being on the late-era WCW roster potentially mean you'd be paid good money to sit at home and do nothing? They might be okay with that.

[SirSmUgly]

1 minute ago, tbarrie said:

My first thought was, yeah, they got the worse end of that deal. But wouldn't being on the late-era WCW roster potentially mean you'd be paid good money to sit at home and do nothing? They might be okay with that.

They cut from about two hundred wrestlers down to about fifty wrestlers that year in preparation for a sale, so unfortunately the early Nitro Era gravy train was derailed by that point. 

It's more likely that one of them dies from salmonella poisoning after Terry Funk punches them while wearing a raw chicken on his right hand. 

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 5: “The Machine” or Limbo

• Recap: Johnny Mundo and Brian Cage do not like one another! Chavo Guerrero Jr. doesn’t like anybody, but at this moment, he is especially focused on not liking Texano.

 

• Seedy dojo interstitial: Oh boy, Vampiro was not pleased with all the medications and therapy that Ian Hodgkinson was taking to suppress him within, so he clawed his way out of the recesses of Ian’s mind and has now totally taken over, and is Vampiro’s doctor watching these shows?! So many of LU’s employees need wellness checks! Pentagón Jr. bows to Vampiro as Vampiro explains in voiceover how he enlisted Penta to help break himself out of the mental jail that Ian had confined him to. Vampiro tells Penta these words exactly: “You do not stop until you get what is yours. Let nothing stand in your way. Not even her.” The “her” is referring to Catrina, who has a lot of problems on her plate right now, let me tell you!

 

• Cut to the Temple. Vampiro pretends to be okay over on commentary next to Matt Striker. This will be a wrestling-heavy show with four matches. Coming in, it seemed like a potential breather episode, and the announcement that this show will be wrestling-focused amplified that feeling to me. Let’s see if my instinct is right.

 

• Jack Evans turns babyface by taking the mic away from Melissa Santos and keeping her from doing yet another mediocre-to-bad ring announcement. Oops, then he turns heel again by going ahead and talking himself. He’s right that “we’re sick of amateur hour,” but then he implies that he is a “professional” at ring announcing. Evans sprinkles in a truth or two within his field seeded full of fertile lies. Evans is a magnificent heel because he’s completely unlikeable as a talker and I genuinely hate his ring work besides. He calls himself the “Dragon Slayer” once again, proclaims that he’ll make Drago his “little bitch” – who is this guy, John Romero? – and then shoves the mic back into Melissa’s hands and intones, “That’s how you do your job.” What a prick!

 

• Evans’s opponent is P.J. Black, which sounds like the sort of match that I’ll only be writing a handful of sentences about. Evans does classic heel shithousery from the jump, starting with a handshake offer that ends in him sending a boot to Black’s gut. He then proceeds to sprinkle that sort of thing in the midst of a mediocre flip-dive match, including an ugly-looking somersault handspring elbow counter spot into the corner that looked awkward.

 

• Evans finally takes control when Drago comes out to do a nunchaku demonstration while viewing the match from the roof of the storage room. This distracts the completely unhinged Evans, who ignores the downed Black, yells invective at Drago, then goes outside and grabs a chair and a water bottle. He drinks some water, chucks the half-full bottle at Drago, challenges Drago to a fight because he’s “the best,” and finally turns around right into a Black TKO that puts him down for 2.9.

 

• Drago comes to the ring for a closer look and tries to mist Evans when Evans is on the ropes, but Evans ducks and Black gets misted instead; Evans grabs Black in a quick backslide and a bridge for two. We almost cut to break, but not before Black grabs the nunchaku that Drago dropped on the mat while mistiming his attack and glares threateningly at the retreating Drago.

 

• Seedy late-night commercial interstitial: Famous B. borrowed someone’s classic convertible for a cheap ad shoot in which he pimps his new athlete agency: That’s 423 – GET – FAME. If you’ve ever wondered what Roc Nation Sports might look like if run by a goofy jobber instead of a multimillionaire entertainment and business mogul, then boy howdy, you should watch the clip of this ad! Fantastic performance from Famous B. in this thing, by the way. His claim that he can take any wrestler “from a jobber to a robber” got a genuine laugh out of me.

 

• The current Gift of the Gods belt holder King Cuerno is in the ring to face Killshot. These two wrestled one another before (Season One, Show Thirty-Six) for an Aztec medallion, but I’m guessing that considering Cuerno’s deal with Catrina to hold onto the GotG belt and block contenders for Mil Muertes’s title, this match won’t run it back with the belt on the line. On cue, Matt Striker notes that King Cuerno hasn’t defended his GotG belt even once since winning it and wonders why, of course not being privy to the Cuerno/Catrina deal for the sake of dramatic irony.

 

• I’m not going to spend a ton of time talking about this match on account of my complete dislike of Swerve’s work; I’d just be making the same complaints that I always do, and heck, even I’m tired of reading my whining about it. Cuerno hits a nice Arrow from Hell in there. Otherwise, this isn’t a particularly good match. Maybe I’ll be a bit stronger with my language; it’s aggressively mid. Killshot hits a facebuster that looks awkward and is visually unclear in terms of who actually takes the impact of the move  if you’re sitting in the crowd, which is why they don’t really react. Killshot tries to finish Cuerno off by going to the top rope, but Cuerno rapidly rolls away from Killshot’s Sky Twisting Moonsault attempt and then pops Killshot with a Thrill of the Hunt for three. Cuerno stomps Killshot out after the match and then tries to package piledrive the guy – his version is called the Thrill of the Kill, according to Striker – but Killshot fights the move off long enough for Fenix to make it down to the ring for the save.

 

• When we return, Texano is in the ring to wrestle a Gauntlet Match against Chavo and Chavo’s flunkies Cisco and Officer Cortez Castro Reyes (which is his composite name in these reviews now since typing between Cortez Castro and Officer Reyes annoys me) Reyes, of course, is still being completely ineffective as an undercover cop trying to infiltrate the Temple. In a clever little bit of development, the desk talks up Cisco as the toughest of Chavo’s charges, maybe even tougher than Chavo himself. Cisco gets in the ring, takes instruction from Chavo at ringside, and turns around right into a superkick that puts him out for three. Vampiro’s chuckling at Cisco's quick loss over on commentary is a nice touch.

 

• Y’know, Vampiro is really on Chavo’s case about Chavo being a coward, and I remember suddenly that before Penta came under the tutelage of Vampiro, he was losing matches under the much shittier tutelage of Chavo. That’s a nice touch, Vampiro being disgusted that Chavo was too weak to unlock the awesome violence of Penta. Texano and Cortez have a nothing match that ends with Castro running himself right into a sitout powerbomb for three. Chavo quickly scuttles behind Texano like he’s Repo Man trying to sneakily repossess Macho Man’s hat and jumps Texano to start the final part of this match. It’s better than what came before it, but I don’t know. Texano seems like he should be more engaging than he is. Maybe he just hasn’t had the right opponents yet. Cisco distracts the ref so that Cortez can trip Texano on a vertical suplex attempt and use Texano’s bullrope to hold Texano’s feet down while Chavo laterally presses Texano for three. Well, that was a trip to Dullsville.

 

• Seedy “375 miles from Boyle Heights” interstitial: Matanza chows down on a few more hapless victims in an umarked warehouse that's probably somewhere between Sacramento and Stockton, which is really boring Black Lotus at this point. She wants to do something else with her time, but Dario Cueto's goal right now is to get Matanza in prime human-destroying form before bringing him back to the Temple. Dario plays down Lotus's desire to leave by blaming her for killing Azteca and triggering this whole series of events, which she did as part of a pre-ordained prophecy, dammit, so it’s not really her fault.

 

• Dario apologizes for his bluntness and then tries to explain it away by sharing info about his mommy issues. He claims that his mom was a physically abusive woman who almost killed him with a hot iron for defying her abuse. Matanza apparently grabbed that red mold of a bull that Dario contemplated thoughtfully in one episode (Season One, Show Seventeen) and made sure to grab as he hastily vacated the Temple in another (Season One, Show Thirty-Nine). Matanza apparently murdered Mama Cueto by striking her repeatedly in the back of the head with the bull.

 

• OK, so Luis-Fernandez Gil goes full comic book villain with his performance. After Lotus expresses how terrible that story sounds, Dario gets a faraway, somewhat crazed look in his eyes and responds, “No, no. For me, that is a happy memory. Because on that day, I learned just how much I loved violence.” Maybe we should shear off that whole branch of the Cueto family tree, huh?

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Catrina walks past the training ring, where Pentagón Jr. is standing as he yells at her that Prince Puma needs to be taught a lesson after Puma put him in a vulnerable arm-breaking position and then just let him go last week. That sort of mercy is an act of pure hostility to someone like Penta. Catrina teleports behind Penta and irritably tells him to go teach Puma a lesson, then; Penta wants to do so in a match, but Catrina retorts that she’s not making any matches for Penta after Penta broke Mil Muertes’s arm. Penta responds with a passionate explanation of his motivation for attacking Mil. Oops, how did I ever misreport what Penta did so thoroughly? What I meant to type was that Penta responds by trying to punch Catrina’s lights out. Catrina’s a badass creepy Aztec priestess, so she holds her own, but he eventually counters her counter-attack right into arm breaking position and suggests that maybe she should reconsider her "no matchmaking" position before she finds her own arm out of joint. Catrina says nothing, but her face reads as such: “Dude, I’m a badass creepy Aztec priestess and your threats mean nothing to me.” Then, she teleports away from Penta and into the corner of the ring. She makes the match pitting Penta against Puma for next week, but warns Penta that “putting your hands on me was the biggest mistake you ever made.” Yeah, it probably was! Penta is probably fucked!

 

• The last two interstitials made what was a super-dull show better. Story and character development once again digs a mediocre-to-bad LU episode out of the gutter!

 

• We’re probably going oh-for-four on "matches that Smugly will like" tonight. The Johnny Mundo/Brian Cage main event is up next. I like that Cage turned babyface just by being the type of wrestler that this crowd is into with his unique blend of squat dude power and surprisingly agile leapy-leapies. Mundo does some basic heeling in which he thinks he’s got one over on Cage with his dopey parkour moves, but Cage is just like LOL NO and mows him down in a decent start. Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker: Sorry, but his Mike Tyson impression is so bad. Even a resigned Vampiro tells him to stick to comic book references. I’m not really all that aggy at Striker here, but this impression was next-level shitty and warranted some kind of, ahem, “recognition” in this review.

 

• Mundo dives onto Cage at ringside and beats him around the ringside area before rolling him back inside. He tries a headlock, then some knees, and finally a leg lariat to keep control, but Cage mostly gets back up and keeps ticking, landing a back body drop, a lariat, and a couple of back elbows. Mundo tries to leap over a corner charge, but Cage catches him and Alabama Slams him for two, then yells over at Mil sitting on his throne that [Mundo] AIN’T GETTIN’ UP FROM THIS, which Mundo apparently realizes is a signal that a Steiner Screwdriver is nigh. Mundo blocks it, hits a weak-looking backbreaker/neckbreaker combo, and then signals for an End of the World that Cage stops in its tracks. Cage, let me rate you here for what I believe is the first time. On a thigh-slap scale where “least obvious” is Prince Puma, “most obvious” is Fenix, and dead in the middle is Alberto El Patrón, these thigh slaps score a…Fenix. Maybe I’ll only bust this scale out going forward when someone whom I haven’t rated before doesn’t score a Fenix. He superkicked Mundo in the balls as part of that End of the World block, and it would have been a neat spot except for the loud snapping sound and obvious thigh slap that took me out of it.

 

• I don’t know, these two trade 2.9s and I’m really bored by this match. The crowd hasn’t been that hot all night for any of these matches, so it’s not just me. Sometimes, it is just me! This time, not so much. Eventually, Mundo tries another End of the World that Cage avoids. Cage drills Mundo with a lariat and drops him with a Weapon X. That’s when Taya Valkyrie rushes to ringside and hops on the apron. This distracts both Cage and the ref while Mundo picks up the lead pipe that Taya surreptitiously placed on the mat before circling around and distracting the ref. Mundo retrieves the pipe and tees off on Cage, then covers for three. In a reverse Melina situation, this time it’s Vampiro who knows Taya and explains who she is to Striker. Taya and Mundo beat down Cage after the bell, capping things off with Taya landing double-knees on Cage before Mundo hits him with the End of the World.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: King Cuerno prefers being the hunter and not the hunted, at least not if he’s only going to be carrying the Gift of the Gods belt around. If he’s going to be hunted, he wants to be the big dog; he enters Catrina’s office and cashes in his GotG belt for a shot at Mil Muertes and the Lucha Underground Championship next week. Catrina reminds him of their deal, but Cuerno isn’t interested, so Catrina mentions that she, ahem, “accidentally” forgot to mention to him that she already booked him against Fenix in a Ladder Match for the GotG belt next week. Whoopsie!

 

• Yep, I was right from the jump: This was a breather episode. 2.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 6: “Gift of the Gods Ladder Match” or Basically Jusant, but with only one artifact from an ancient civilization to look for as you climb rather than many

• It strikes me that we haven’t had Aerostar or Sexy Star show up in front of the fans at the Temple yet. Does this show have something against stars?

 

• Recap: Speaking of Sexy Star, she’s still being terrorized by Marty and Mariposa Martinez. Prince Puma is too nice a dude for Pentagón Jr.’s liking and Penta is too violent a dude for Catrina’s liking. Catrina’s got her attention split between punishing Penta and keeping the Gift of the Gods title holder the hell away from Mil Muertes and the LU Championship.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Mil Muertes asked Catrina for a little meeting in which he questions her management strategy vis-à-vis Fenix and Cuerno and not letting Mil just beat both of them the fuck up already, broken arm be damned. Actually, Fenix and Cuerno be damned: That’s really what Mil wants. He’s got a few empty coffins and ain’t afraid to use them. He’s mad at Catrina’s game-playing, so Catrina reminds him that she’s been preying on him since she was a child and knows what’s best for him. She even calls him by his Christian name to remind him that he’s only Mil Muertes because she and her freaky Aztec priestess powers allow it.

 

• Mil does what any unreasonable human being imbued with strange powers of the underworld would do when having a heated argument with his freaky Aztec priestess partner: He goozles Catrina and lifts her off the ground. Mil basically says, paraphrasing: Give me Penta and Puma in a match so I can put them in the ground, or it’ll be you who gets put in the ground in their place. Catrina doesn’t back down from anyone ever, so of course she refuses and then teleports away while Mil yowls in frustration like he’s the supervillain of an ‘80s action flick who is seeing his big plans fall apart because Bruce Willis stopped them just in time.

 

• As Matt Striker introduces the show, Vampiro cuts in to note that Mil Muertes isn’t on his throne to oversee the proceedings. He muses upon where exactly our champion might be, not privy to the fact that Mil is somewhere in the building throwing a tantrum right now.

 

• Sexy Star opens the show in the ring, and I’m wondering what happened when Mariposa advanced upon both her and Willie Mack two episodes ago. We got a smash cut to the logo before we could see what happened. Star’s just chilling out here waiting for her opponent Kobra Moon to slither to the ring. There’s a gap in time there that I hope and assume maybe LU will fill for me at some point.

 

• If this were the Thunder Rosa of 2021 or whatever, I’d expect her to drag Sexy Star to a good match. However, this is the Kobra Moon of 2015, so she’s a part-time wrestler who is not really skilled enough to do that yet. Willie Mack walks out here to observe Star as she wrestles what is a pretty crappy match with Kobra, though Kobra lands a nasty package neckbreaker for two that looked pretty good. Star also manages to roll through Moon and lock on a nice pendulum surfboard, so I take back that “pretty crappy” part. It’s still not a particularly good bout, but at least it has a couple of good spots. Marty “the Moth” Martinez walks down the stairs while spotlighted; this vision distracts Sexy Star and causes her to drop the surfboard in terror. While she contemplates whether she should run from her kidnapper, Kobra uses Star’s considerable trauma against her to get up and quickly lock on a Snake Sleeper for the submission. Commentary is surprised that Star would tap out. This was probably complete garbage if you were sitting in the crowd without knowledge of all the interstitials, but if you’d seen them, well, it was still not of much decent quality, though elevated by the Star/Mack/Moth/Mariposa storyline continuation.

 

• Seedy late-night commercial interstitial: Famous B. once again asks you to call (423) GET-FAME if you need an agent to do agent shit for you, and he proves his knowledge as a pro wrestler by having the hokiest fight with two masked luchadores this side of the one Johnny Cage had on set in the 1994 Mortal Kombat movie. B. should have quipped “This is where you fall down” after missing one of them with a punch by about six inches. I can’t wait to see what sort of clients this guy picks up.

 

• Not-so-seedy dojo interstitial: We see nu-El Dragon Azteca watching the ad in real time when Rey Misterio Jr. cuts off the crappy old cathode ray tube television and tells Azteca that there’s no time for television when nu-Azteca has to fulfill his destiny. Then Rey spars with him. And wins. A lot. I guess he had a point about the television watching being a distraction.

 

• Hype video: King Cuerno sits in a cushy chair with his Gift of the Gods belt. Hanging above him is one of the many ten-point bucks that he killed for no reason other than it was fun, which is how you know he’s a heel. Cuerno monologues about how he loves hunting everything – deer, people, whatever – and claims that he will be not a mere hunter, but a god on earth when he beats Fenix in tonight’s ladder match and wins Mil Muertes’s LU Championship shortly after.

 

• Prince Puma meets Pentagón Jr. in a grudge match that could have just about any ending, and I’d buy it. I have no idea what’s going to happen here. So, over on commentary, Ian Hodgkinson and Vampiro are having a battle with one another in Ian’s consciousness right in front of us. This week, Ian’s fighting back based on Vampiro's reaction to Striker’s casual suggestion that Vampiro is the perfect person to explain Penta’s mentality to the audience. Vampiro: “Well, I’ve heard a lot of things being said, y’know, since you know when, but I’m trying to forget, but you seem to try to pull me back into it every time we gotta talk about him.” We get a shot of the desk in which Striker reacts with complete befuddlement at Vampiro’s response considering the past few weeks, he was cutting in on Striker to praise Penta. Amazing. Lucha Underground's producers producing Striker well enough to be an asset to these shows is maybe the most amazing miracle they pulled off. Of course, after that outburst, Vampiro then proceeds to talk about how great Penta is, using as many superlatives as he can muster up.

 

• This is an interesting matchup in that Penta is all smoke and mirrors, and Puma is best at fighting from underneath, but this match is worked more like two young aces who are both amazing at wrestling taking turns being amazing at wrestling. There’s a match between these two that is pretty good, but it’d need to be carefully laid out to make that happen. What we get is one of those typical LU matches with lots of spots lacking the connective tissue that would elevate it. I think the best thing about it is Vampiro trying to restrain himself from out-and-out cheerleading Penta.

 

• As these fellas trade two counts in the ring, a sling-wearing Mil Muertes makes himself seen for the first time tonight. He saunters down the stairs, contemplates his sling, and then rips it off. Penta’s attempt at a package piledriver on Puma is interrupted by Mil, who hits Penta with a uranage and then hands out a spear to Puma before scooping both men up and dropping them with a double Flatliner. At least this match wasn’t meant to do anything other than be a no contest that advances the story, so the lack of connective tissue didn’t mean anything. As usual when it comes to a Penta match, only the finish means anything (his match with Vampiro being a notable exception).

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Catrina smiles about the motivation she gave Mil by denying him, but Mil is laser-focused on his goal to let everyone know that he runs the Temple now, so he makes his own Triple Threat LU Championship Match for next week against Penta and Puma.

 

• Striker fills us in: It’s almost time for Aztec Warfare II, which takes place a scant three episodes from now! Prince Puma won the Lucha Underground Championship by winning our previous Aztec Warfare (Season One, Show Nine), but this time around, a title shot at the LU Championship is the prize rather than the title belt itself.

 

• Fenix meets King Cuerno in a Ladder Match for the Gift of the Gods belt. I’m not sure what to say about this match; there wasn’t much to say about this match type at the point that this match originally aired, much less now in 2025. It’s the thing that it always is. I suppose I’ll mention notable spots, but I don’t know how many times I can write “sets up the ladder, climbs, gets pushed over” or “powerbombs opponent onto the ladder” or “uses the ladder as a battering ram” before you know as well as I do that you’ve seen this match before. Of course, that’s true of every match to some extent, but there is simply something about ladder matches that seems particularly same-y. My hunch is that ladder matches were ruined by Edge Adam Copeland, Christian, and the Hardy Boyz. That No Mercy Tag Team Ladder Match and the follow-up TLC bouts turned every one of these things into a car crash. The best U.S. ladder match after the mid ‘90s WWF ones is probably Scott Hall/Bam Bam Bigelow on a random 1999 Nitro, but that’s because Hall actually tried to figure out little stories to tell within these types of matches. I liked Eddie Guerrero/Syxx, too. Eddie strikes me as a particularly good worker within this match type, but I need to watch him vs. Syxx and vs. RVD again to tell you why exactly.

 

• I think that commentary has a great discussion about Cuerno trying to pour on the pain during this match. Vampiro responds to Striker’s query about whether all the extra punishment Cuerno is inflicting is good strategy, and Vampiro responds that it looks more like Cuerno is trying to destroy Fenix than to win the match, which actually fits in line with the thing Cuerno was supposed to be doing when he wrestled that Last Luchador Standing Match against Fenix. They’re picking up that Cuerno, though doing so a bit late, is trying to achieve the goal Catrina set out for him of putting Fenix out of the Temple for good. Fenix does have mystical rebirths, though, so that seems a tall task even for an expert hunter like Cuerno.

 

• These fellas leap onto and around and over ladders. It’s fine. If you dig this match type as it is commonly worked, you will surely enjoy this bout well enough. Vampiro tries to pretend that this match is a “little too violent for [his] tastes” and Striker, who remembers the gorefest that Vamp wrestled against Penta, immediately coaxes Vampiro into admitting that he was lying. The wrestlers in the ring do a spot where they both hang from the structure holding the belt after “accidentally” kicking the ladder away; they both tumble to the mat, but the belt stays in place, swaying in the air.

 

• Boy, is this a long match, especially for this show! These guys beat the crap out of their bodies for this thing, I’ll give them that. Cuerno finally signals the finishing run by setting up a table, which of course he ends up going through after Fenix lands a top-rope rana. Fenix climbs the rungs and retrieves the GotG belt once more. He points threateningly at Mil Muertes as Muertes rises from his throne and holds up the LU Championship in response, but Fenix'll have to wait until Mil is done defending his gold against Penta and Puma before he can get his title match.

 

• This show had slightly better wrestling than last week’s show, but it also had slightly less exciting interstitials, so I pretty much felt that things were running in place. We need to move some of these huge plot points along, and we especially need to get Matanza Cueto back to Boyle Heights so he can beat the shit out of Mil Muertes already. 2.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[zendragon]

in 2015 she was more like BLUNDER ROSA

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 7: “Death Comes in Threes” or Sexy Star tries to bravely default to her usual course of asskickery, fails miserably

• Recap: Marty and Mariposa Martinez are still stalking Sexy Star. Johnny Mundo, like Marty, also has a new woman with him in the Temple in Taya Valkyrie. Drago's done pissed off P.J. Black with an errant attack. Finally, Mil Muertes tries to eliminate two of his biggest opponents in one match later tonight!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Sexy Star is in the locker room when Willie Mack shows up and charmingly does some terrible pro wrestling acting as he asks her to second him in his match against the Moth later tonight. Star silently refuses, and Mack is surprised that someone usually so courageous is now not so much. Mack reminds her that she is “strong and an ass-kicker,” which fires her up. She decides to join Mack at ringside and gives him daps. Aw, that was kinda nice!

 

• Tonight is a big night in the Temple, according to Matt Striker at the desk, though Vampiro’s idea of a “big night” is solely focused on Pentagón Jr. finally ascending to the top of the Temple by winning the LU Championship. He totally ignores that Prince Puma is also in this match. Someone please get him away from Penta. I’m not asking, I’m demanding.

 

• Poor Melissa Santos has to stand there and ring announce while Marty “the Moth” Martinez flaps his arms behind her and sniffs her hair. Santos’s facial expressions kill me as she tries to deal with this fucking creeper who won’t leave her alone. I’m hoping at some point that she just stops mid-announcement, turns around, and punts him in the balls. That would pop me huge. Vampiro, as your sicko uncle who is still unmarried because he doesn’t respect the boundaries of women in general, calls Marty lucky to be standing all up in Melissa Santos's sphere of comfort, but the crowd acts as Vampiro’s much more enlightened nephew by chanting NO MEANS NO at the Moth. He is here, of course, to face Willie Mack (w/Sexy Star), who is disgusted by this skeezy fuck Marty and sprints to the ring so that he can more quickly get the chance to beat the shit out of him.

 

• There is some good work in here, especially a sequence in which Mack gives the Moth some buckle bonks, and the Moth tries to show it didn’t hurt him by bonking his own head into the buckle. This inspires Mack to up his attack level, and he hits Marty with a stiff lariat that rules. The Moth is able to backdrop a charging, overeager Mack to the floor. He then shimmies like the world's most unsettling stripper as he takes off his AZTEC PRIDE shirt and follows up with a nice diving plancha. Star leads the cheers for Mack’s comeback as Marty hits an ugly-looking corner bulldog spot that bonks Mack’s head into the turnbuckle that almost certainly looked better as a concept in his mind than it did in reality.

 

• Mack dodges another dive as Striker yells like an idiot for Mack’s comeback, the latter of which includes a lot of sweet suplexes. Mack goes up and gestures as Eddie Guerrero might before hitting a Frog Splash, but the lights cut out and some creepy nursery music plays. Star has a small panic attack as Mariposa Martinez walks into the aisle; the distraction has also thrown the Mack off, as he is caught up top by Marty and pressed to the mat, then hit with a diving curb stomp for three. I liked this match even if the Moth’s offense is kinda soft. Mack’s offense is very good, and I dig the storyline. After the bout, Marty formally introduces his sister to the Temple while Star hides behind a corner strut. Mariposa casually saunters toward Star and boots her in the head as Star hesitates. I don’t know exactly where all this is going, but it’s probably going in the same general direction that the relationship between Raymond and Madeline in "The Fall of the House of Usher" went!

 

• Hype video: As we see video of Rey Fenix and his exploits, Fenix cuts a promo in a voiceover. Fenix has raised himself from poverty through the art of flippy graps. He has a nice line in which he says that the real world was a harsh place that rejected him for his poverty, so he found refuge in the fantasy and mystery of his mask and lucha libre. He still believes that he’s been underestimated despite his successes in the Temple, but he assures us that there is no fantasy that he cannot make reality through his mastery of said art of lucha libre. Very cool promo from him! I never would have guessed that he’d have that in him!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Jack Evans is chilling out in the locker room when Drago essentially teleports right in front of Evans and slams him into the lockers for calling himself “the Dragon Slayer.” Evans, who is just so good at being a disingenuous dick heel, gets this innocent look on his face and protests in a soft voice as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing, “The people named me.” This man cheated to beat Drago, grabbed a house mic, stood on the commentary desk, and proclaimed himself “the Dragon Slayer” as the people booed the crap out of him, and yet if I hadn’t seen that happen with my own two eyes, I could have believed what Evans was saying based on the tone of his response. Evans is clearly a graduate of the George Costanza School of Lies, Fibs, and Misdirection: It’s not a lie if you believe it.

 

• Drago is so aggy that he high kicks one of the dim light bulbs hanging above them in a rage. Evans looks worried that the next kick might be aimed toward his face as Drago demands that the so-called Dragon Slayer slay him right now, but then he relaxes. In fact, a truimphant smirk passes across this goofy fuckboi’s visage. He points behind Drago and says, “I don’t think I’m gonna have to.” Drago turns right into a nunchaku attack from this annoying doofus P.J. Black. Drago pulls out his own set of nunchaku and squares off with Black and Evans, who each have their own sets of nunchaku, and Drago initially knocks them to the floor before the numbers game gets to him and they whip the shit out of him with the nunchaku. The heels gloat about bludgeoning Drago “to death,” but the lights cut out and then Drago’s buddy Aerostar enters the room with a set of glowing light nunchakus to run them off. YEAH, FUCK ‘EM UP, LUCHA BUDDIES! Seriously, I want Drago and Aerostar to beat the hell outta these chumps. This interstitial ruled.

 

• Brian Cage is in the ring, awaiting Johnny Mundo for a no-DQ rematch, but Taya Valkyrie comes onto the ramp instead and says that Mundo already “kicked [Cage’s] ass," so she’ll be the one to kick his ass tonight. She even goes so far as to pieface the guy, then slaps him. I think that she thinks that Cage won’t mow her down, but Cage shrugs after the slap and then in fact mows her down with a lariat. This is a woman who has spent time in non-Temple wrestling companies where dudes won’t fight ladies and made the mistake of assuming that it was going to be the same here. Nope!

 

• Cage rolls Taya at half-speed, basically getting a practice session in, but Taya is still a wily pro wrestler even if she’s overmatched in the power, speed, and agility departments. She’s not overmatched in the “heel cleverness” department, which she uses to her advantage when Cage lazily sets her up for a Steiner Screwdriver and is discouraged from completing that move by a Taya forearm to the balls. Taya even manages a Tornado DDT that looks a bit too much like Cage impressively bumping himself in the mechanics of the thing. Hilariously, as Striker notes that any wrestler trained by Lance Storm like Taya was would be technically sound, Vampiro scoffs and downplays Storm’s training ability. Vamp’s comments come down to pure jealousy because only one of Vamp and Storm was the WCW Canadian Heavyweight Champion, the WCW 100-Kilogram-and-Under Champion, and the WCW Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title Champion, and it sure as heck wasn’t you, Vamp!

 

• While I get a kick of how many times on this show that Vamp has shit on a kayfabe WCW rival in that achieved way more kayfabe accolades than he did, Cage turns it around and slams Taya into the metal guardrail, then release powerbombs her into the post. Ouch! Cage hands out high fives to various fired up audience members and then tosses Taya back into the ring, where he powerbombs her once, holds on, and then powerbombs her back-first into the corner. I’ll give Taya a lot of credit for taking some nasty-looking back bumps in these sequences. She looks like she’s getting absolutely slaughtered in there. Cage takes some time to set up a table while Taya, who brought the same steel pipe to the ring that she handed to Mundo last week, groggily crawls around looking for it. Alas, she is so groggy that she gets nowhere close to finding it before Cage grabs her and suplexes her from inside the ring, toppling through the set up table on the floor. Taya’s willingness to take nasty bumps has made this some entertaining viewing. She’s tall and thin, and as she bumps, she takes care to whip her long limbs to make it appear that she’s almost completely out of control as she lands. Those were some visually striking bumps.

 

• Mundo runs down before Cage can finish off the completely out of it Taya with a Steiner Screwdriver and clubs him in the back with the pipe, which is still laying out on the mat where Taya left it. He then puts Taya on top of Cage and himself on top of Taya for extra weight, but the cover only gets about 2.8. Mundo freaks out for a bit before going under the ring and getting a cinderblock, which Striker is quick to remind us that Cage used as a weapon to finally finish off Willie Mack at Ultima Lucha Uno. Mundo also grabs three empty beer bottles without a logo on them, so unfortunately, it is not product placement time. Mundo tries to piledrive Cage after putting this plundah in the ring, but Cage reverses into an Alabama Slam and tries to set Mundo up for a curb stomp into the cinder block as he did Mack in their Ultima Lucha match; however, Taya is somehow back up after that beating she took. She's able to hop onto Cage’s back, where she holds on for dear life.

 

• Cage shrugs her off and goozles her; Mundo uses the distraction to grab a beer bottle and break it over Cage's head, and Cage no-sells it beautifully. Mundo swings again right into Cage’s face, but It's Not Effective!! Mundo does what any heel in his position would do; he shoves his loyal sidekick right into Cage’s arms and leaps from the ring, where he watches from a safe distance as Cage drills Taya with a Weapon X (It's Super Effective!!) for three. That was incredibly fun gaga. Holy shit, that was dumb as fuck in the best of pro wrestling ways. I don’t even like Cage that much, but he came off like a total beast who knows he’s a beast and will make sure that you know it too, probably for the first time in his whole LU run in my view. I also can’t give enough credit to Taya for her excellent bumping and selling. Fantastic stuff!

 

• Seedy late-night commercial interstitial: Famous B. once again implores you to call (423) GET-FAME if you need representation from a “recently retired underground fighter” who wears a stupid purple wizard hat. These commercials continue to be fantastic. B. demands that the viewer ask themselves two questions and then of course spoils the numbered list of questions by using A. for the first one instead of 1. That is subtle heel shit right there. B. has a toothless woman named Brenda with him who is immediately transformed by Famous B.’s wizard hat and magic wand into a conventionally attractive blond woman with a comically high voice as a show of his wizardly agenting powers.

 

• Last week’s hilarious (and intentional) production snafu on the commercial was the bad fake fight with clearly whiffed punches; this week, the director forgets to yell CUT! and so B. and Brenda both hold their smiles into the camera for far too long; Brenda’s smile eventually breaks as she starts to visibly wonder if they’re still rolling or not. I mean, these commercials wouldn’t be out of place in a comedy bit on [adult swim], and of course, I say that as a total compliment.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Ivelisse steps out of Catrina’s office, where Angelico and Son of Havoc are expectantly waiting. They want to know if Ivelisse has coaxed a trios title shot out of Catrina. Paraphrasing here, Ivelisse says that there is good news and bad news. Good news: Yes, Catrina gave Dysfunction Junction a title shot!  Bad news: It’s win or leave the Temple forever! Angelico and Havoc are dumbfounded; Ivelisse points out that Angelico told her to get the shot no matter what. Everyone bickers until Ivelisse tells them to stop whining and says that all they need to do is win. Yeah, "only" that even though the other team has mystical Aztec powers given to them by the leader of the Temple who just gave you this poisoned chalice of a title shot. That match will happen next week.

 

• The desk once again hypes Aztec Warfare, which is now two episodes away.

 

• The main event Triple Threat Lucha Underground Championship Match between champion Mil Muertes (w/Catrina) and challengers Prince Puma and Pentagón Jr. is next up. I’m surprised that Mil and Catrina haven’t yet attacked Vampiro. He’s just been able to sit there doing his job for weeks now. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m expecting Vampiro to get physically dragged into Penta’s conflicts any show now.  

 

• The challengers jump the champ to start. The match then does the whole “one guy lays around, two guys” fight deal. I mean, there are cool spots in there, including Mil doing an out-of-character slingshot crossbody onto Puma on the floor. But yeah, there’s a crowd brawl and a series of small one-on-one matches that ultimately doesn’t grab me structurally. I’m hoping for a good finish out of this, really. Everyone works hard and at a goodly pace, so if you like pacey WWE-style Triple Threats, you will enjoy this match. I feel sort of bad about giving the work short shrift as these fellas do dive after dive and put their bodies at risk.

 

• There are like a ton of dives in this match, actually. Dives and crowd brawling. I give it credit for feeling quite intense. You’d believe that these men do not like one another. Puma lands a dive to take out both men outside the ring, then puts Penta back in the ring and lands a 630 Senton Bomb before getting two on a cover that Mil barely makes it back to the ring to break up. Mil earns two on a powerslam before Puma and Penta have a Superkick Party that lays Mil out in the center of the ring. They go at one another, and Penta slips behind Puma, lands a lungblower, and gets 2.8 on a package piledriver.

 

• Unfortunately for him, Penta’s propensity for breaking arms and giving tributes to Vampiro keeps him from capitalizing while Mil is still down. He slowly puts Puma into arm breaking position and prepares to snap it, but that gives Mil time to get up and spear Penta, then to spear Puma as Puma weakly stumbles to his feet. Mil finishes both men off with a double Flatliner and a double cover for three. Who can possibly stop this monster? That’s a rhetorical question because there’s a bigger monster a few hundred miles north of Boyle Heights who can absolutely do it. Catrina gives the lick to both men as Fenix appears at the top of the stairs and laments that Mil’s celebration won’t be lasting long because he’s cashing in the Gift of the Gods belt for a Lucha Underground Championship bout next week. This little end segment reinforces that Fenix is a surprisingly good promo.

 

• That was a pretty good show, and really it was the in-ring action that vastly improved over the last two weeks and elevated this show back to the heights that it normally sits at by this point in its run. 4.25 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Edited August 26 by SirSmUgly

[tbarrie]

1 hour ago, SirSmUgly said:

Who can possibly stop this monster? That’s a rhetorical question because there’s a bigger monster a few hundred miles north of Boyle Heights who can absolutely do it.

Hey, Catrina explicitly said last season that even the monster Dario Cueto kept locked up was no match for Mil Muertes! Who are you to doubt Catrina?

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 8: “Life After Death” or Camping All the Respawn Points

• It’s a beautiful day for some lucha; let’s watch two!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Fenix sits holding his Gift of the Gods belt backstage when Catrina shows up and semi-sarcastically claps for him. I appended the “semi-“ onto that description because I believe her when she tells Fenix that she tried everything, but Fenix kept “rising from the ashes,” and this only makes her want to seize his power of a thousand rebirths all the more. Then, she drops this line: “[That power] could give me life again.”

 

• OK, as I am processing Catrina’s explicit admission that she is not only a creepy Aztec priestess, but that she’s an undead creepy Aztec priestess, Fenix holds his hand out to Catrina in response, and she takes it. What the fuck? Is this a dream sequence? Is someone tricking someone else somehow? What is happening right now? Catrina tells Fenix that she sometimes wonders if she made the wrong choice and should have stuck with Fenix instead of using him to bring Mil Muertes back to life…and then makes out with him. I, uh, did not see that coming. Catrina seems to wipe away a tear (!!) and then gets down to business – she chose to stick with Mil, and now, she’s looking forward to Mil putting Fenix out once and for all. And after that happens, Catrina says, “you will bring me back from the dead.” She teleports out. Fenix has a moment in which he also wonders what the fuck just happened. The Temple logo appears on screen. I love that they had me expecting the typical recap and then did this instead. Great subversion of their usual show-opening layout there. The interstitial itself was fantastic, of course.

 

• The Lucha Underground Trios Tag Team Championship bout between Dysfunction Junction and the Disciples of Death (w/Catrina) opens our show. Melissa Santos mentions the stipulation that Dysfunction Junction must win or Ivelisse, Angelico, and Son of Havoc are banned from the Temple forever, which draws an adverse reaction from the crowd and surprise from Striker and Vampiro that they’d agree to such a stip.

 

• The match stars out with the faces trapping the heels in three different corners and then circling around and landing strikes on each of them, but after the Disciples of Death are cleared from the ring, they make a comeback, send Angelico and Havoc to the floor, and run a distraction that ends with Ivelisse kicked in the back of the head.

 

• Ivelisse settles into FIP jail for a bit, but she escapes one of the disciples, I can’t tell which at this point, and gets a hot tag to Havoc. Havoc mows down the Disciples and then tags Angelico, who continues said mowing. The Disciples are sent to the floor, where all three Dysfunction Junction members hit successful synchronized dives. Back in the ring, Catrina stops a double-team move by yanking Havoc off the ropes, which leads to a chain of distractions that allow once disciple to replace himself with another disciple. Striker astutely calls it “the ol’ Killer Bees switch.” I would also have accepted “the ol’ Villanos switch” as well.

 

• The disciple who switched tries a quickie small package when Angelico finally turns around to grab him, but it only gets two, and Angelico shuts any further nonsense down by hitting said disciple with a Fall of the Angel. Havoc follows with an SSP, and Angelico covers and earns a three count, the LU Trios Tag Team titles for the second time, and of course, their continued participation in the Temple’s various intrigues and jibber jabber. Wow, the Disciples of Death were a pointless trio, but I suppose that Catrina’s grasp on the Temple slipping away is the story they’ll be telling over the next few weeks.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Prince Puma works out on the heavy bag when Johnny Mundo busts in on him and pretends that they’re still chummy. Puma silently kicks a bag as Mundo shadowboxes beside him, shares faux-disappointment that Puma couldn’t manage to pull out a title victory against Penta and Mil Muertes last week, and then reminds Puma of the finish to the first Aztec Warfare Match (Season One, Show Nine) in which Puma defeated him and won the LU Championship. Mundo is here to assure Puma that such a finish will absolutely not be happening again. Puma just keeps kicking the shit out of this bag while Mundo talks shit, then takes over and throws a few rapid-fire punch combos at the bag himself and declares it his time to shine before leaving. Puma growls and then punches straight through the bag in frustration. Should have done that to Mundo’s melon instead, dude.

 

• Not-so-seedy dojo interstitial: Rey Misterio Jr. pours a couple of tequila shooters for himself and his young charge. There’s no brand on the bottle. C’mon, Patrón, this is your chance to place your product! As nu-El Dragon Azteca sits with him, Rey shoves a shooter over to him and tells him that his training is complete, then gives over a sealed envelope. Azteca opens it and reads out that it’s an invitation to compete in Aztec Warfare Dos on next week’s show. Rey expects his young charge to show everyone in the Temple that El Dragon Azteca deserves entrance. When Azteca asks if Rey will join him, Rey contemplates it while I and probably everyone else watching at home is screaming for him to do so. Then, Rey pulls out his own invitation and says, “But of course. You’re not the only one with somethin’ to prove.” YEAH! They drink to one another’s success. This is very exciting, folks!

 

• I sure hope we burn off the Chavo Guerrero Jr. (w/flunkies) vs. Texano feud in this Bullrope Match. Chavo demands that his flunkies Officer Cortez Castro Reyes and Mister Cisco get in there and beat Texano down since there aren’t any disqualifications in this match, but Dario isn’t here to enforce the flunkies’ continued allegiance to Chavo, so they roll on out instead. The match is mechanically fine but pretty dull, honestly. Fellas, is Texano good? I’ve never watched AAA outside of Lucha Underground, so I don’t know. Some wrestlers look like they should be good, but then they aren’t, like Jack Swagger (or whatever he’s called now, I forget) and Alberto El Patrón (or whatever he’s called now, I dunno). The best spot is Texano torturing Chavo’s testes by wrapping the rope underneath his crotch and then yanking upward. Chavo knocks Texano to the mat as they struggle over a top-rope move in the corner, but when he lets out some rope and climbs to the top for a Frog Splash, Texano yanks the rope and sends Chavo plummeting to the mat. Texano follows up with a sitout powerbomb for three and a post-match whipping of Chavo to close out this zero of a feud.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Uh-oh, I think the Permadeath Count might be going up. Mil Muertes kicks the shit out of the Disciples of Death for losing the trios tag titles earlier in this show. Catrina says “Spare him...” when Mil has the last disciple at his mercy, but Mil tosses him to the ground and a stream of electricity leaves his body as it did the other two. Catrina looks at the disciple’s prone body and concludes “…or not.” I’ll leave them off the count list for now, as I did with Konnan, but if they don’t show up again by the end of this season, they’ll be quietly added to that list. Catrina and Mil step over that last one’s body as they leave the locker room in preparation for the main event. I mean, that disciple sure does look dead!

 

• Seedy “somewhere between Sacramento and Stockton” interstitial: Dario Cueto is somehow still out here tricking rubes into feeding themselves to his brother Matanza. No one has caught onto him yet? How many missing people are there by now? Anyway, Matanza finishes off the last few victims; Dario declares Matanza ready to be used as a weapon to take his Temple back. I think it’s pretty strange that Black Lotus has gone from such a go-getter to someone who stands around taking orders from Dario fucking Cueto. Dario goes into the warehouse and lets Matanza out; we set eyes upon him for the first time, his hands, clothing, and mask covered in blood. Uh-oh.

 

• Back in Boyle Heights, Mil Muertes (w/Catrina) has no idea that he is absolutely fucked. He’s got more immediate problems on his mind, namely Fenix’s title challenge. After one more week of Striker hype for Aztec Warfare Dos, Fenix comes to the ring to hand over the Gift of the Gods belt, from which the medallions will be removed until someone else can collect all seven and insert them into the belt once more. Muertes and Fenix had one great match, one good match, and one solid match last season, so I expect this to be a pretty good bout.

 

• Fenix marches toward Mil as the bell rings and gets kicked right in the gut; he quickly remembers that, oh yeah, he should do flips and dives instead since that’s his forte. He does manage some offense in that way, but when he tries a backflip rebound off the ropes, Mil just lariats him in the gut. I love bigger dudes shutting down annoying flippy shit. Alas, Fenix flips his way into control again and lands a rebound backflip cutter.

 

• Lest we forget that Ian Hodgkinson and Vampiro are locked in mortal mental battle with one another, Striker asks an innocuous question of the type that a PBP man in any sport typically might ask a commentator who was also a former professional in the sport: “Would you trade blows with Mil Muertes?” Vampiro’s response reminds me that he should be under a doctor’s care, dammit, someone help him: “It all depends, man. I don’t know why you keep trying to push me back into the ring for some strange reason, Matt, what are you trying to say?” He’s not trying to say anything, dude! It's a simple question that you can’t answer because you are not well!

 

• Mil eats the aforementioned blows from Fenix and sets off a sequence that ends with Mil spearing Fenix from the apron to the floor. Fenix tries to fight back using his speed and agility, but he dives right into a shoot poorly mistimed cutter from Mil. I don’t exactly love that all I really care about is the finish here, but all I really care about is the finish here. This is the best wrestling show I’ve ever seen where I routinely only care about the finish of the main events. I suspect that says more about how I watch wrestling (or at least this particular wrestling show) than it says about the wrestling itself, though.

 

• Mil, as he has done in previous matches between the two, rips at the eyeholes of Fenix’s mask. The disrespect! This match is decent; the deal is that every time Fenix tries a comeback, Mil immediately shuts it down. This time around, Fenix gets room to try a suicide dive and dives right into a swinging chair. Fenix blades off the impact; Mil gets in the ring and gnaws at the bloody head wound. Ew. Also, cool.

 

• Catrina watches intently as Mil leads Fenix into he stands and peppers him with punches in the crowd. Fenix hits a few desperation kicks and tries to do a rail-walk move, but Mil just two-handed shoves him off the rail and sends him flying into the chairs in the crowd, which is my favorite spot in this match. It’s followed by my least favorite spot in this match as Fenix gets up from that and completes his railwalk crossbody anyway. What the fuck? That sequence was so effective, and then Fenix is the first one to land offense after getting shoved forcefully into the stairs anyway. Aw, man.

 

• OK, so this match just has dudes doing whatever at this point. Mil gets up first an powerbombs Fenix onto the unforgiving commentary table. At least Catrina was raising the mystical Aztec stone nearby to explain that. Catrina kisses Mil, but it’s way less passionate than the one she gave to Fenix earlier. Fenix shows a bit more fightback and scores himself on the thigh slap scale while he does so. He manages to land a double stomp on Mil, then tears at the eyeholes of Mil’s mask in response. That enrages Mil enough that he screams in rage and then half-spears, half-pounces Fenix, then bombs fists at Fenix’s dome.

 

• Mil grabs a chair and slides it into the ring, then softens Fenix up with forearms to the back, but he misses a big right and allows Fenix to counter attack with a series of chair shots. Mil blades from those return chair shots. He gets up and charges Fenix, but eats a series of kicks and falls in place for a Fenix 450 that gets about 2.8. Fenix decides to charge Mil when Mil gets to his feet and runs right into a uranage that only earns 2.8 for Mil.

 

• This match has been good, if flawed. There is some very good stuff sprinkled throughout, including this struggle German suplex that Fenix bridges on for a close two count. Fenix once again goes up top to try and finish Mil off, but he sells leg damage on the way up, which slows his ascent and allows Mil to meet him with a huge right uppercut. Fenix wobbles on the top rope, and Mil follows with what looks like a DDT off the top rope. Mil staggers up, goozles Fenix, and tries a Flatliner…but Fenix hooks his legs around Mil as Mil tries to fall backward, then rolls Mil into a flash pinfall and bridges for the three count and the Lucha Underground Championship. I’m somewhat surprised that they put the gold on Fenix here, but I think it’s a good move because when Matanza beats the shit out of this little guy for the belt the Temple crowd is going to be pissed.

 

• Wait, or maybe that won't have a chance to happen! Catrina immediately grabs a microphone and changes the prize that the winner of Aztec Warfare Dos will get. Rather than earning a Lucha Underground Championship title shot, the winner will just straight up earn the gold. Further, she notes that she’s running back the order of entrance from last year with these two; Fenix will go into the match first, and Mil will go into the match last. Well, that seems mighty unfair to Fenix, but he did last a long time from the number one spot in the first Aztec Warfare…and Mil didn’t last very long at all from the number twenty spot in that same match. This may not be the flex that Catrina thinks it is.

 

• I think they should put the belt on Rey Misterio Jr. next week, but that’s just me. They could also have Matanza show up and win the gold next week, which would be cool. I’m very interested to see how they book the match and what the makeup of the Temple looks like coming out of Aztec Warfare Dos. Great show in the lead up to next week’s big event. 4.5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Edited August 14 by SirSmUgly

[SirSmUgly]

1 hour ago, tbarrie said:

Hey, Catrina explicitly said last season that even the monster Dario Cueto kept locked up was no match for Mil Muertes! Who are you to doubt Catrina?

She's a jam-up lady to be sure, but I'm putting my money on the cannibalistic Aztec god in Jeff Cobb's body anyway. 

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 9: “Aztec Warfare II” or Big Daddy > Songbird > Matanza Cueto

• I didn’t feel like going to sleep, but I did feel like watching some Lucha Underground, so that’s what I’m doing.

 

• It’s time for another Aztec Warfare match!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Fenix holds his Lucha Underground Championship belt backstage when Pentagón Jr. shows up and asserts his plan to win the belt from Fenix in Aztec Warfare. Then, he drops this line: “Cero miedo!” He always drops that line, so it’s not that amazing. Catrina blip-blurps her way into the room and their conversaton and tells Penta that all of Vampiro’s teaching him about the dark arts has still left him somewhat ignorant as to the true darkness of said arts. She also says that Penta forfeit his opportunity to enter the match after he physically attacked her a couple of weeks ago. Penta’s like, You can’t tell me what to do, jerk. I go where I wanna go and attack who I wanna attack. Then, he drops this line: “Cero miedo!” It’s Penta. It’s what he does. Catrina says that Penta only has no fear because he’s never experienced true fear, then turns to Fenix and is like, Also Mil’s going to get that title back tonight, so there. She said it way more threateningly than I paraphrased it, though. She blit-blurts out of the room; Fenix and Penta glare at one another before walking away.

 

• A reminder of the Aztec Warfare rules from Matt Striker: There is no disqualification, pinfall or submissions only, and after the first two wrestlers enter the ring, wrestlers will enter at ninety second intervals until the twentieth and final wrestler has entered. Striker also notes that he’s gotten word that Catrina has sent all the invitations out like a dark priestess version of Willy Wonka and that Penta was denied one; Vampiro is obviously displeased to hear this news.

 

• Famous B. and Brenda scout the wrestlers while standing at ringside as Fenix (Entrant 1) enters the ring (“That’s the guy we want,” B. says, as if Fenix needs his representation). Fenix almost has to win this from the one spot, right? Depending on who wins and how, I feel like that booking might make a ton of sense. Then again, depending on who wins and how, maybe a loss here doesn't undercut him much at all. Melissa Santos’s announcement of the number two man (which I have to credit her with, as her slight pause after announcing “From San Diego…” and before she says the name is well-timed and full of anticipation) shocks the crowd, which apparently has not seen any of the not-so-seedy dojo interstitials and therefore pops massively when Rey Misterio Jr. (Entrant 2) is announced. The true G.O.A.T., at least in my mind and based on the sheer amount of videotape we have of him being great for like two decades, comes out and gets respect from the champ as he poses on the top corner. Misterio’s the only guy he worked with in WCW that Vampiro actually praises on commentary, by the way, which gives me quite the chuckle. That’s how you know Rey is that great – even heel-leaning tweener Vampiro gives him props.

 

• Rey and Rey do Rey and Rey stuff, but even though I’m not a huge fan of Rey, I do love Rey, so I enjoy it. Seriously though, Fenix avoids an early 619 and lands a superkick; both men counter and dodge and dodge and counter until King Cuerno (Entrant 3) enters the ring ninety seconds later. Cuerno keeps getting shitty draws in these matches. Of course a heel should be drawn here to break up the babyface fair competition love-in. I don’t want to put Misterio on the thigh-slap scale and I won’t…yet. But he’d better watch those thigh slaps, dammit! Meanwhile, Cuerno hits Fenix with an Arrow from Hell. We just started this match, y’all, and it's already popping off.

 

• Argenis (Entrant 4) makes his first appearance this season if I’m not misremembering. He goes right into an exchange with the reigning champ, takes him out, and then lands a series of kicks on a charging Misterio and earns the first two count of the bout. Alas, Rey turns things around quickly and hits a 619 and a Frog Splash on Argenis [Elimination 1] for the pinfall. To (apocryphally?) quote Pat Patterson, the crowd goes banana!

 

• Speaking of guys who have bad draws in Aztec Warfare, Johnny Mundo (Entrant 5) is out next. Misterio remembers this goof very well and prepares to face off with him as he walks down the stairs. These dudes probably wrestled like a billion times in that late-aughts/early new tens morass of same-y dull WWE television, so they anticipate one another's moves. Fenix inserts himself into the proceedings with a contrived spot where he swings Mundo’s leg into Misterio’s face; Fenix and Mundo then trade lateral covers for a few seconds. Yuck.

 

• Also yuck: Joey Ryan (Entrant 6) oozes his way down the stairs. Ryan doesn’t even enter the ring; he handcuffs himself to the railing and then challenges the rest of the competitors to BEAT ME NOW. He can’t be pinned, of course, but you can also submit a dude, so this is an incredibly ill-considered plan on his part. He’s basically made himself a stationary sleeper hold target. Famous B.’s stupid ass exclaims, “He’s the smartest man in wrestling!” Then, he walks over and hands Ryan his business card, but only after Cuerno walks over and superkicks Ryan’s dumb ass. Prince Puma (Entrant 7) tries to win from the same lucky spot he won from last year.

 

• Puma’s a veritable house ensconced in flames as he enters the ring; he eventually sends everyone in the ring to the outside, where he hits a pretty running plancha onto them. He punctuates the spot by getting up, walking over, and punching Ryan in the face, which cracked me up. Two things happen next; first, Jack Evans (Entrant 8 ) enters the ring, and second, Misterio hits a seated splash on Cuerno and transitions immediately into a cross-arm breaker in the center of the ring; Cuerno [Elimination 2] has no choice but to submit. Man, Cuerno’s been taking Ls the last few weeks.

 

• I think the planned spots in this match are better than the ones in last season’s Aztec Warfare. Here’s one that I’d cite as evidence: Evans gets on the apron while the babyfaces in the ring stomp out Mundo. In an inversion of what usually happens with the face/heel dynamic reversed, Evans tries to make the save by springboarding onto the babyfaces, and all three of them casually step aside as Evans crashes and burns. Mundo rolls to the floor as the babyfaces reconverge around Evans and stomp him out instead. The heel failed save spot is a great inversion of the babyface successful save spot, and it’s a shame we don’t see it more often than we do. Hilariously, Mundo hops back in the ring and tries to join in the stomp-out, but the babyfaces stop, look at him like he’s crazy, and beat the shit out of him until he tumbles back out of the ring. Fantastic stuff there. Great little comedy spot.

 

• Mundo finally walks over and drags Evans out of the ring to save him from a further beating in a show of heel solidarity. Evans: “Hey, why were you kicking me?!” I can’t quite pick up all of Mundo’s response, but Evans’s knowing nod and response of “That’s true!” indicates that Mundo successfully bullshitted that little moron. What a delightful ninety second period that was!

 

• Here’s Taya Valkyrie (Entrant 9) at the end of that ninety seconds. Evans and Mundo getting hyped about her arrival at ringside cracks me up. Holy shit, I think I want Taya, Mundo, and Evans to win the trios tag titles now. They face off with the three faces, and notably, Puma sells a knee injury after landing on the floor when Evans dodges his charge. The heels finally isolate Misterio, and Mundo plans to put in some work on him when Brian Cage (Entrant 10) hits the top of the stairs. Uh-oh! Misterio is quickly forgotten as the heels face the stairs and prepare for Cage’s arrival. They don’t prepare very well, though. Cage kicks the shit out of each of them. He practically beals Evans into the parking lot, in fact. Mundo gets on his bicycle, but Cage catches up to him and prepares to post him with a powerbomb until Taya sacrifices herself and eats a body slam on the floor so that Mundo can scramble away and then catch Cage with a superkick.

 

• Famous B. passes out business cards to the audience while Mundo and Cage brawl at ringside. It’s a short brawl because Mundo re-uses his whole “toss a guy through Dario…er, Catrina’s office window” plan and does the same to Cage. Right after he does, Mascarita Sagrada (Entrant 11) makes an all-too-rare showing in the Temple. Sagrada is in six spots earlier than the year before; he tries a suicide dive onto Mundo, but is caught by Mundo, who laughs at Sagrada, the prick. I bet he wouldn’t be laughing if he saw Cage pulling himself from out of the busted window frame and stalking him again. Cage clobbers Mundo with a discus lariat and drills him with a Weapon X at ringside before tossing him back into the ring, where Prince Puma picks Mundo’s [Elimination 3] bones with a running moonsault for three. Mundo getting eliminated by Puma should be a running callback in these things unless Mundo is ever booked to win one, in which case he should finally eliminate Puma to win it.

 

• Here's Marty “The Moth” Martinez (Entrant 12) to join the match and sleaze it up. Sagrada attacks him to cheers, but the Moth drops him with a big boot. Evans kicks him, but the Moth just giggles about it and then hits him with a wheelbarrow slam when he tries to follow up on his attack. As Marty tears at Evans’s lips with his fingers and cackles with glee as he does so, we count down to Drago’s (Entrant 13) entry into the match. Evans, who has managed to slip Marty, freaks out in a suitable fashion. Evans does some panicked flippy diving that Drago sidesteps. Drago goes for a misting, but his aim is once again off; Evans ducks and Joey Ryan takes green mist right to the eyes.

 

• Back in the ring, Misterio and Sagrada team up on the Moth [Elimination 4]; Misterio kicks the Moth, Sagrada hits him with a DDT, and Misterio lands a top-rope splash before both Rey and Sagrada cover the Moth for three. Meanwhile, Drago hip tosses Evans from the stands down to the floor, and Cage beats up Puma for the first time since the middle of the first season. Willie Mack (Entrant 14) makes his way down the stairs to enter the fray. Mack sees the Moth sliding out of the ring to leave and diverts himself to drop Marty with a Stunner as a parting gift. Then he gets in the ring and faces off with his old rival Cage, which gets an audible OHHHHHHH from the Temple crowd. They trade punches and kicks; Cage eats a kick well enough, but he doesn’t get up so quickly from the Stunner that Mack gives him after ducking one of Cage’s discus lariats.

 

• In a wild spot outside, Fenix tries to powerbomb Sagrada into Puma, who moves; Sagrada bounces off the handcuffed Joey Ryan instead and splats onto the floor in a nasty-looking bump. Chavo Guerrero Jr. (Entrant 15) comes out here, and boy, do I want him to hook it up with Misterio. I don’t care how many times I’ve seen them wrestle one another before. I’m still hyped for it. Evans takes a powerbomb from Drago in the bleachers in another nasty bump while back in the ring, Chavo catches a diving Sagrada [Elimination 5] and tosses him around, then locks on a Camel Clutch for a quick submission while Vampiro admonishes Striker for calling Sagrada “the weakest link:” “He’s a warrior out there like everybody else!” Keep speaking the truth, Vamp! And no, Sagrada getting eliminated right there didn’t prove Striker correct!

 

• Rey tries a 619 on Cage, but Taya yanks the middle rope down, and Rey goes sailing to the floor. Meanwhile, Johnny Mundo has come back out here with a cinderblock that he breaks over Cage’s head. Fine, it’s as silly a weapon as the sledgehammer, but whatever. Taya immediately covers Cage [Elimination 6] and earns a pinfall. Taya rises to her feet, triumphant…and turns right around into a confrontation with Fenix that ends with Fenix grabbing Taya [Elimination 7] and snapping off a German suplex with a bridge for three.

 

• P.J. Black (Entrant 16) immediately heads into the bleachers to save Jack Evans from Drago, even suplexing Drago onto the bleacher seats before teaming up to ineffectively attack Drago. Evans eats a back body drop onto the floor. Man, some of these wrestlers are taking painful-looking, painful-sounding moves on the floor tonight. We march on toward the arrival of the final entrant in this match: Aerostar (Entrant 17) evens up the odds and helps Drago out with the scumbag pairing of Evans and Black. Black hits Drago [Elimination 8] with a brainbuster and moves to make a lateral press just as Aerostar buries Evans [Elimination 9] with a Super Canadian Destroyer. They cover at the same time and both get three counts. I’ll give Evans this much: He took a series of wild bumps out there. I can’t stand his offense, but he’s such a good and willing bumper and such a natural shitbrick heel that I am ultimately fine with not being able to stand his offense. He was a great asset to this match and helped glue a lot of the moment-to-moment stuff together.

 

• El Dragon Azteca Jr. (Entrant 18) earned a favorable drawing. I am also interested in him facing off with Misterio. Vampiro is shocked to see Dragon Azteca’s mask making an appearance in the Temple for understandable reasons. I thought Azteca Jr. would get a bigger pop than he did, but then again, it's likely that this crowd still hasn’t seen all the interstitials yet because they’re still shooting the first batch of episodes. Texano (Entrant 19) is out next after a short burst of showcase offense from Azteca. Texano immediately dives onto a bunch of dudes outside and then finishes off Black [Elimination 10] with a sitout powerbomb back in the ring.

 

• The previous Lucha Underground Champion Mil Muertes (Entrant 20) walks out here alongside Catrina, but both of them must know that Pentagón Jr. isn’t going to let their denial of his entry into this match slide, right? They only make it halfway down the stairs before Penta attacks Mil with a chair. The crowd goes absolutely fucking nuts while Penta kicks the shit out of Mil [Elimination 11] at ringside and then tosses him in the ring for a Misterio top-rope splash; Puma comes over and steals half an elimination by helping Misterio laterally press Muertes for a quick (and quite embarrassing for him) three count. Catrina’s face shows genuine shock for maybe the first time all series; for once, she was the one who was too confident for her own good. And speaking of running callbacks to add to future Aztec Warfare bouts, Fenix should always come in at one and outlast Mil, who always comes in at twenty. It’ll never get old!

 

• Mil finally gets to his feet and chases Penta back through the crowd, and finally, the thing that I was eventually expecting to happen actually happens. Catrina turns toward the commentary desk and zeroes in on Penta’s Dark Master Vampiro. Vampiro, who is more Ian than Vamp tonight, looks genuinely confused about why he’s being called out. Catrina: GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! GET THE FUCK OUT! She then slaps him, which might be a mistake, but as that’s happening, the buzzer goes off again even though we’ve already had twenty entrants and DARIO FUCKING CUETO appears at the top of the stairs, wearing a shit-eating grin. I mean, things have gone totally haywire at this point, and in the best of pro wrestling ways, too!

 

• The crowd is too excited to remember that they usually annoyingly chant WHAT at the guy; they just pop hugely. Dario reminds Catrina that this is still his temple as Catrina wonders exactly how the fuck things have fallen apart for her so quickly. Dario says that since he’s El Jefe, he’s inviting one more person into the match: Matanza Cueto (Entrant 21). This is some fuckery of the highest order. It’s like when you beat the big boss of a video game and it throws a secret final boss at you out of nowhere. I love everything about it. Matanza illustrates that he’s the new boss of this bitch by tossing everyone to the side as they swarm him and then hitting a floatover powerslam on the champion Fenix [Elimination 12] and immediately making him an ex-champ at the point that this match is over with a successful pinfall. Today’s forecast: Cloudy with a chance of being totally gigafucked.

 

• Mack tries his luck next with a Stunner, which heck, even staggered the normally un-stagger-able Cage earlier in the match. It has no effect on Matanza, however, who destroys Mack [Elimination 13] with a bridged German suplex as Mack turns around to celebrate. Aerostar [Elimination 14] must recognize that he’s looking at an Aztec god in the form of a human; you’ve got your mission that you’ve been waiting to fulfill for a thousand years, buddy! He attacks next, gets swatted out of mid-air on a leap, and is hit with a German suplex with a bridge for three. Dammit, a thousand years of waiting patiently in the cosmos for that?!

 

• This crowd is fucking bummed, man. They realize that shit is bleak. They were so happy to see Dario show up, but it is only now that they’re realizing the implications of his arrival. Texano tries on Matanza for size next, but Matanza shoves off a bullrope attack. Texano looks at Matanza and yells CHINGADA TU MADRE MONSTRUO, but actually that sort of insult isn’t going to make Matanza mad at all! He’d bludgeon his abusive ma again if he could, probably! And he’s certainly embraced the monster within at this point! Texano [Elimination 15] charges Matanza and leaps right into a sitout powerbomb, falling prey to the same move that he often uses to win matches.

 

• Misterio, Puma, and Azteca stand at ringside and try to figure out what the fuck is going on and how the fuck to attack this dude Matanza. Chavo hides behind the apron. That leaves only Joey Ryan in Matanza’s immediate view. Good news for Joey: Matanza removes him from the railing! Bad news for Joey [Elimination 16]: Matanza puts him in the ring and hits him with triple rolling gutwrench suplexes for three. Well, at least you didn’t get devoured, buddy! Yet!

 

• The smart thing to do if you were the only other remaining heel in this match would be to put aside your petty heel plans, regroup with the remaining babyfaces, and figure out a plan of attack. Chavo Jr. huddles with Misterio, Azteca, and Puma…and then attacks Puma and Azteca when their guard is down before advancing on Rey. This is not the time to restart your career-long feud with Misterio, stupid! Alas, he does so at ringside while Azteca tries his luck with Matanza in the ring. His luck is bad. He actually hangs on for quite a while, dipping, ducking, diving, and dodging. Azteca [Elimination 17] tries a whole lot of offense and gets creative with his approach, but he can’t get Matanza off his feet and eventually runs right into a goozle and a massive chokeslam for three.

 

• Chavo Jr. thinks that he can make some sort of alliance with Dario at ringside. OK, if you’ve ever seen that GIF of Chris Paul gladhanding Steve Kerr until he turns around and, unseen by Kerr, glares and rolls his eyes at that fucking gullible moron Arizona Wildcat graduate, that’s pretty much what happens here. Dario’s face is about as animated as Paul’s was as he goofily and chummily grins at Chavo before giving Matanza a throat-slashing sign when Chavo turns away to get in the ring. This was genuinely hilarious. Chavo [Elimination 18] tries to team up with Matanza, but eats a lariat and a standing flipping headbutt for three.

 

• Well, only Prince Puma and Rey Misterio Jr. are left. Normally, I’d like their chances, but the whole “fighting an Aztec god” thing has me unable to believe in even Rey Misterio Jr. this time around. They get in a few strikes on Matanza before Matanza grabs Rey and slides him out of the ring before destroying Puma [Elimination 19], finishing him off with a bridged German suplex for three. The crowd chants for Rey, but their hearts aren’t in it. They don’t believe that SI SE PUEDE chant they’re trying to maintain. You can hear it in their voices.

 

• Rey tries to get on his bike and run circles around Matanza, but Matanza catches him with a lariat. Rey kicks his way out of immediate trouble, and it is at this point that Striker drops a Simpsons quote: “A noble spirit embiggens even the smallest man.” I don’t know! I'd normally get on him for the timing of his quote, but it kinda worked in this context! Rey actually manages to enziguri Matanza into 619 position, but as Rey swings himself through the ropes, Matanza catches his legs and looks to slam him…but Rey escapes and kicks Matanza back into 619 position. He completes his signature move this time and goes up for a top rope diving rana. Misterio leaps into the air toward victory! No, wait, sorry, I got that all wrong. He leaps into the air toward crushing defeat! That’s a much more accurate description of what happens! Matanza catches Misterio [Elimination 20] in powerbomb position and pops him up and into a floatover slam for three. Dario snatches the belt from Melissa Santos’s clutches and then awards it to his brother Matanza in the center of the ring as the crowd jeers.

 

• This was a fantastic Royal Rumble-style match. Maybe the only adjustment I would have personally made would have been to get El Dragon Azteca Jr. an elimination before Matanza showed up. Otherwise, this was about as perfect a match as anyone could dream of booking. 5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

 

• Bonus: Here's another handy table full of match stats!

Aztec Warfare Elimination Table #2 (Season Two, Episode Nine)

Entrant	Eliminations Made	Eliminated By (Order)
1.      Rey Fenix (c)	1 (Taya Valkyrie)	Matanza Cueto (12th)
2.      Rey Misterio Jr.	3 (full elimination: Argenis, King Cuerno; half elimination: Marty “The Moth” Martinez, Mil Muertes)	Matanza Cueto (20th)
3.      King Cuerno	None	Rey Misterio Jr. (2nd)
4.      Argenis	None	Rey Misterio Jr. (1st)
5.      Johnny Mundo	None	Prince Puma (3rd)
6.      Joey Ryan	None	Matanza Cueto (16th)
7.      Prince Puma	1.5 (Johnny Mundo, Mil Muertes)	Matanza Cueto (19th)
8.      Jack Evans	None	Aerostar (9th)
9.      Taya Valkyrie	1 (Brian Cage)	Rey Fenix (7th)
10.   Brian Cage	None	Taya Valkyrie (6th)
11.  Mascarita Sagrada	0.5 (Marty “The Moth” Martinez)	Chavo Guerrero Jr. (5th)
12.  Marty “The Moth” Martinez	None	Rey Misterio Jr. and Mascarita Sagrada (4th)
13.  Drago	None	P.J. Black (8th)
14.  Willie Mack	None	Matanza Cueto (13th)
15.  Chavo Guerrero Jr.	1 (Mascarita Sagrada)	Matanza Cueto (18th)
16.  P.J. Black	1 (Drago)	Texano (10th)
17.  Aerostar	1 (Jack Evans)	Matanza Cueto (14th)
18.  El Dragon Azteca Jr.	None	Matanza Cueto (17th)
19.  Texano	1 (P.J. Black)	Matanza Cueto (15th)
20.  Mil Muertes	None	Rey Misterio Jr. and Prince Puma (11th)
21.  Matanza Cueto	9 (Rey Fenix, Willie Mack, Aerostar, Texano, Joey Ryan, El Dragon Azteca Jr., Chavo Guerrero Jr., Prince Puma, Rey Misterio Jr.)	WINNER AND NEW LUCHA UNDERGROUND CHAMPION

Edited August 15 by SirSmUgly

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 10: “El Jefe is Back” or Game Over: Return of Dario

• Recap: Sexy Star is pressed by Mariposa Martinez; Dysfunction Junction continues to subvert the name that I’ve given them; Pentagón Jr., Dario Cueto, and Dario’s brother Matanza took Catrina and Mil from the penthouse to the outhouse in one show.

 

• Dario Cueto has brought back the live bands! Cool! He’s also brought back Matanza Cueto. Not cool! Dario enters the ring and gets cheers as he expresses his joy at being back in the Temple. He has many announcements for the crowd: A new trios tag tournament, for one, and a number one contender for Matanza's LU title for another. Before he can talk about that second one, he is interrupted by the extremely popular Pentagón Jr. Penta asserts that Matanza’s only the champ because Penta wasn’t allowed into Aztec Warfare. Dario responds that maybe the issue is simply that Penta isn’t championship material. Penta wants to talk this little disagreement out. No, sorry, Penta wants to goozle Dario and demand a title shot upon threat of arm-breaking. Dario relents before Penta can snap his arm and gives Penta a title shot later tonight. Well, that escalated quickly! I mean, it really got out of hand! But luckily for Dario, not out of joint.

 

• Alright, let’s have us a match. Johnny Mundo and Taya Valkyrie tag up against Mister Cisco and Officer Cortez Castro Reyes. This should be a walkover for Mundo and Taya. Their opponents suck. Vampiro gets “(bottle) nipples” and “pacifiers” mixed up on commentary. The context is as funny as you’re imagining right now. Taya and Cortez have an okay opening. I think Taya’s a really good bumper and seller, but her offense is hit and miss. Taya holds her own against both dudes before Mundo sees a chance to make a blind tag while Taya’s got Cisco in trouble.

 

• Taya, who has already been mistreated by her beau Mundo quite a bit, walks the line between cocky and brave in these matches and sort of has the sympathy of the crowd after that blind tag. Mundo beats up Cisco with ease, landing a Moonlight Drive for two in the process, but his End of the World attempt gets blocked by a Cisco roll-up. Cisco dodges Mundo’s follow-up punches, lands a neckbreaker, and scores a hot tag to Cortez. That’s the point at which Mundo dodges a fired up Cortez and suddenly tags Taya. Yeah, they’re going to turn Taya face with the crowd pretty quickly if she keeps holding her own in there while being used as a meat shield by Johnny Mundo’s cowardly ass.

 

• Taya does her best, but she eats a lariat and a DDT. Cortez covers, though Mundo kicks him before the ref can get down to count. Cisco and Mundo tangle outside the ring, which is the point at which Cage’s music hits and Cage walks down the stairs and stalks Mundo, who backs onto the other side of the floor from him and doesn’t bother to help Taya as she tries to regain control of the match. She hits the ropes in an attempt to gain momentum, but Cisco steps in front of her as she rebounds and hoists her up so that he and Cortez can end her night with a Shatter Machine that earns the usually hapless gangbanger and equally hapless undercover cop a rare three count. Mundo drags Taya out of the ring and backs down the tiny ramp as Cage stares them down after the match.

 

• Seedy storytime interstitial: Marty “the Moth” Martinez sits in a room full of butterflies that have been caught, killed, and pinned, which is creepy enough as is. Marty’s sitting in a chair, dressed in a collared shirt with a sweater tied around it and looking like a demented Fred Rogers as he reads from a storybook the legend of his Aztec tribe that was represented by moths. He says that his tribe was known for their pride in their Aztec heritage and their massive amounts of wealth, which a short series of quickly-flashed images show allowed Marty to gain access to jacuzzis, cars, mansions, and women with large breasts to party with. Yeah, I’m guessing the only way Marty’s getting a woman to stand anywhere near him is to flash some cash (or to creep on Melissa Santos as she tries to do her job).

 

• Marty argues that his Aztec tribe knew that their wealth would be attractive enough that the other six Aztec tribes might go to war with them over it, so they developed a hidden weapon: Mariposa. Mariposa destroys a bunch of masked mooks on screen as Marty speaks. The current Mariposa who wears the mask, Marty's sister, is supposedly the deadliest of all Mariposas ever to wear the mask. Marty backs his vicious sister to lead the Aztec tribe of the moth back into ultimate power from a kayfabe standpoint. From a shoot standpoint, Cheerleader Melissa will at least be able to lead the rest of the ladies on this show through good television bouts.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Black Lotus stands sentinel at Dario Cueto’s office door. Yeah, like she’s stopping half the characters in this show from busting up into Dario's domain. On cue, even though Dario just wants to sip his drink, Catrina interrupts him by bypassing Lotus entirely and simply teleporting directly into his office. Dario, drily: “Catrina, I didn’t see you come in.” Dario thanks Catrina for keeping the Temple in operation while he was off training Matanza to efficiently destroy any and all of his opposition. Catrina ignores his faint praise; she's here to threaten Dario, telling him that death in the form of Mil Muertes will soon come for Matanza and the title. Dario shrugs off that threat, noting that Matanza does not fear death; Catrina advances and looks like she might choke out Dario again as she notes that Matanza may not fear death, but Dario certainly does.

 

• Dario doesn’t get why Catrina’s so aggy. He points out that he even gave her charges the Disciples of Death a rematch for the trios tag titles for later tonight. Well, good to have confirmation that they’re not part of our show-long Permadeath Count. Yet. Dario tells Catrina to relax because they have common enemies that they should focus on instead, but Catrina is insistent that Mil will finish off Matanza and then Catrina will seize control of the Temple back from Dario. Welp, that’s yet another problem you have to solve, Dario. Good luck with that!

 

• Speaking of the Disciples of Death, they have that shot at the Lucha Underground Trios Tag Team Championships next, though this trios match is an elimination match rather than a match to one fall just to spice things up a bit. The two-time trios champs Dysfunction Junction stand in the ring awaiting Catrina and the Disciples. Angelico and Barrio Negro hook it up first and have a decent little slow-paced opening sequence in which Angelico wins an arm drag and an arm wringer, then tags in Havoc, who picks up the pace and gets two on a senton splash. I appreciate that they’re starting slow and gradually ramping the pace. Havoc tags in Ivelisse, who wins an arm drag, but who loses control because of her weight disadvantage and gets dragged into the heel corner.

 

• However, Ivelisse makes up for a weight disadvantage by just being better than her opposition in every other way; she avoids a Siniestre (I think) dropkick that sends Negro to the floor and then hits Siniestre with a bridged Northern Lights for a close two count, then a roll-up for another two count. I’ve lost track of which disciples are which at this point as Catrina tries to hit Ivelisse with her mystical stone; Ivelisse blocks it, but one of the illegal Disciples on the apron kicks her in the head and covers for three [DJ – 2; DoD – 3].

 

• Havoc is in next, but it’s Trece who attacks him, though Havoc is able to escape the opposition corner and get a tag to Angelico, who wins a one-on-two tangle with Trece and Siniestre until Negro attacks him. Angelico quickly eliminates Trece, who has the number 13 on his mask, an obvious symbol which should help me recognize him in the future. I sure wish I’d looked more closely at his mask before! Anyway, Angelico won that fall with a Fall of the Angels [DJ – 2; DoD – 2].

 

• The babyfaces follow up by hitting a couple of dives to the floor; back in the ring, Angelico tries another Fall of the Angels on Siniestro, but Siniestro leaps out of the back and hits a legit ugly, semi-botched, shitty-looking lungblower for three [DJ – 1; DoD – 2]. Yuck. I’m not into either of these teams and am once again calling for a Jack Evans/Johnny Mundo/Taya Valkyrie trios title run instead.

 

• Havoc is left alone to try and survive; he manages to eliminate Negro after double-stomping both opponents and then hitting a standing moonsault on Negro [DJ – 1; DoD – 1]. Striker calls it a “turtle double-stomp,” and indeed, Havoc looked exactly like Mario or Luigi jumping from koopa to koopa without touching the ground on that pair of diving double-stomps. Siniestro jumps Havoc in his moment of triumph, but he soon tries a moonsault and gets only mat as Havoc rolls out of the way. Havoc goes up top next, but Catrina trips him. Ivelisse, who has lost every tangle she’s ever had with Catrina in this whole run of the show, finally has had enough and stalks out here, kicks Catrina square in the temple, and leaves. Meanwhile, Havoc hits Siniestre with two suicide dives, then quickly tosses him back in the ring and goes up for a successful SSP to win the match and retain the gold [DJ – 1; DoD – 0]. I did like the finish, especially Ivelisse finally getting a measure of revenge on Catrina and Havoc going into turbo mode to finish off the final Disciple once Catrina was neutralized. I’m also very glad that we’re moving on from this feud (Striker intimates as much on commentary by pondering “what’s next” for Dysfunction Junction).

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto turns around in his seat to address his next office visitor, this one planned: Rey Misterio Jr. Dario is excited to see Misterio, who isn’t so excited to see Dario and responds to Dario’s fawning with a pointed, “I’m here because of El Dragon Azteca.” Dario pretends that Misterio is talking about El Dragon Azteca Jr., but Misterio doesn’t have time for the bullshitting and wants to know about the El Dragon Azteca who was his mentor and who died last season while trying to save Black Lotus. Misterio theorizes that Matanza killed Azteca Sr., and Dario tells one blatant lie and one technical truth as an answer to that theory: “I know nothing about that…I swear to you and to the gods that my brother had nothing to do with whatever happened to [Azteca Sr.].” I mean, it’s probably a good idea to lie about having nothing to do with Azteca Sr.’s death with Misterio sitting there in front of you, and I will note that he only swears to the Aztec gods when telling his one technical truth about Matanza not having anything to do with the direct death of Azteca Sr., but still, he’s tempting fate while swearing upon the gods here.

 

• Dario says that he’s got respect for “the old ways,” but that he’s more concerned about bringing the Temple into a new era. He claims that whatever happened between his father Antonio Cueto and El Dragon Azteca Sr. is water under the bridge and would prefer to instead get Misterio Jr. and Azteca Jr. into his Temple to burnish its reputation…as long as Misterio Jr. doesn’t walk around asking too many questions about the Temple and its past. Dario offers Misterio a shot of bourbon and they drink to Misterio and Azteca becoming part of Lucha Underground. I wouldn’t expect Misterio to just give up his line of inquiry so easily, however.

 

• Sexy Star (w/Willie Mack) is in the ring when we come back; Star is wrestling a singles match against Mariposa (w/Marty “The Moth” Martinez). Star gets on her bike and bails as Mariposa advances at the bell, but she backs right into the Moth, who tosses Star back into the ring to catch a beatdown. Star barely dodges a Mariposa moonsault and tries to grab a submission hold that Mariposa sidewalk slams her way out of. Mariposa hooks Star’s arms and drills her with a Vertebreaker for the dominant squash victory. Man, there are quite a few monsters walking around the Temple right now. The Moth attacks Willie Mack as he checks on the health of Star; Marty and Mariposa hand Mack a quick beatdown to punctuate the proceedings.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto retrieves Matanza from his cell and praises Matanza for all the violence that he has committed so far before directing Matanza to break Pentagón Jr.’s back tonight and send him out of the Temple for good.

 

• Pentagón Jr. enters the ring to try and win the Lucha Underground Championship from Matanza Cueto (w/Dario Cueto). Last week, Catrina told Penta that he did not yet know true darkness, and you know what, I think Penta’s going to find out that she was correct about that once this match is over. Penta dodges a couple of tentative Matanza grabs, then attempts a step-up kick that Matanza barely even notices. No matter how hard Penta slaps his thigh on his kicks, Matanza doesn’t treat them as damaging. Penta lures Matanza in and leaps over him in the corner before nailing a lungblower that Matanza doesn’t really bump for.

 

• The confusion on Penta’s face goes completely unhidden by his mask or his facepaint. He rushes Matanza, who knocks him to the floor and immediately targets Penta’s back upon orders from big bro Dario. Matanza clears ringside and tosses Penta into the hastily emptied chairs in the audience, then whips Penta around ringside into as many standing structures as possible. Matanza tears at Penta’s mask while Vampiro looks shocked that Penta is catching this bad an asswhipping.

 

• Matanza puts Penta back in the ring and singals to the ref that he’s hurt, but the ref isn’t going to stop this match because Dario Cueto pays him. Matanza hits his swinging floatover slam – The Wrath of the Gods – and picks up an easy three count in another dominant heel squash. Maybe they should have split these squashes up? Putting the trios tag match between Star getting squashed and Penta getting squashed would have picked the crowd up in between crushing heel demolitions of crowd favorites.

 

• Vampiro hops in the ring to check on his charge and calls for help, so Matanza boots him in the head, then tosses Penta to the floor and continues the beatdown by powerbombing Penta through the commentary table. So, usually, whenever someone powerbombs someone else onto that table, it never breaks; the person getting powerbombed always painfully slides off it as it withstands the impact. Tonight, for the first time that I can remember, someone actually goes through the table on a powerbomb. Matanza's back attack was a bit weak for how much damage it was supposed to have done in kayfabe, but if anything demonstrates the raw, animalistic power of an Aztec god that courses through Matanza’s veins, that spot did.

 

• This crowd is mega-bummed about Penta getting destroyed, by the way. Penta does a stretcher job, Vampiro attending to him, as Dario leads the champ back to his cell. It’s nice that Dario thinks he’s stopped Penta for good, but he really should know better. Penta has only started to scratch the surface of true, destructive, violent darkness. But that’s for later in the season.

 

• This was a solid follow-up to a great Aztec Warfare, though I do vaguely remember this part of my initial watch-through from years ago (unlike with most of what came before this), and let me tell you, Matanza murdering every fan favorite over the next few weeks is going to be a real downer! 4 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[zendragon]

I like how instead of big dramatic turns wrestlers often just sort of shift alignments

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 11: “Bird of War” or The sort of mismatched trios teams you get when choosing “random” in a modern King of Fighters game

• Recap: Officer Reyes and Officer Ryan are bad undercover cops; Sexy Star is being stalked by a bad woman; Matanza Cueto put Penta out of the temple and is a bad dude.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Vampiro stands at a sink in the locker room, contemplating whether or not to pour his mental health medication down the drain. Well, here’s Dario Cueto to try and help him along in making bad decisions. Dario calls him “Ian Hodgkinson” before noting with a sarcastic “oops” that actually it’s "Vampiro" rather than "Ian" and has been for a long time. Dario baits Vampiro to crash out by suggesting that part of him wants to punch Dario and then go looking for Matanza; Vampiro says that actually, it’s all of him rather than a part of him that wants to do that. Dario says that at least Penta is still alive; he suggests that if Vampiro touches either Cueto brother, Vamp won’t even be that lucky. Dario suggests in a faux-friendly way that Vampiro continue simply sitting his ass at that commentary desk to save his own life and leaves. Vampiro looks at his pill bottle…and takes like four times the regular dosage. OK, that’s still better than pouring them down the drain. I’ll take it! This seedy backstage interstitial was nominally a success for Vampiro!

 

• Seedy LAPD office interstitial: Officer Cortez Castro Reyes and Officer Joey Ryan update the incredibly dopey Captain Vasquez on their complete lack of progress at busting Dario Cueto. Ryan notes that he got Dario to pair him with Mister Cisco and Officer Reyes for this season’s new trios tag tournament, and Captain Vasquez suggests they must win the tournament if that will help them get closer to Dario. Look, can we tally up these morons and add them to the Permadeath Count, please? All of them. Even Vasquez’s dumb ass.

 

• Rey Fenix is going to wrestle (and, let's be real, probably get slaughtered by) Matanza Cueto later tonight, according to commentary. But before that…

 

• …Ivelisse Velez opens the show against Kobra Moon. Kobra is very focused on being all slithery. Say what you will about the rest of her work, but she is committed to the bit. She’s basically a walking Mortal Kombat character. Ivelisse easily out-grapples Kobra early, winning an armbar and a legbar. Kobra wins a headscissors that both women shift their weight on to earn flash two counts. Back to standing, Ivelisse wins an armbar and a running back elbow, but she runs into a rope-assisted leg choke when she tries another back elbow.

 

• This match isn’t good, but it’s watchable. I think again that the most interesting thing is watching Kobra being green and intermittently promising in the midst of her work. Kobra grabs Ivelisse in an illegal tarantula on the ropes, then scores a butterfly suplex that she rolls through and holds onto in a front facelock submission; Ivelisse works through it and turns it into a bridged northern lights for two. Actually, I take it back: This match is somewhere between “good” and “watchable.” It’s interesting. They’re doing some struggling through holds and to earn transitions that is legitimately well done.

 

• They get to their feet and try to outstrike one another, but Ivelisse resoundingly wins that battle and scores an exploder suplex for two. Kobra hits a desperation jawbreaker and then an elaborate face crusher for two. Alas, when they get back to their feet, Kobra again tries to out-strike Ivelisse, which is the mistake that ends the match because Ivelisse once again wins that exchange, then hits the ropes to get some momentum and rebounds off them with a Code Red that earns her a three count and a victory.

 

• That match was so strange in that the work was inconsistent in its crispness and the match as a whole wasn’t sewn together particularly well, but within it, there were notable segments of crispness and good transitions along with some real struggle on the mat. I suspect that I liked this match more than most people reading this would, especially because I value the struggle into and out of holds that this match did surprisingly well at giving me. I don’t know what to think of Ivelisse in particular. I can’t tell if she’s better or worse than I give her credit for; I can only think that whichever it is, I’m not currently rating her accurately.

 

• Hype video: Killshot talks about what an awesome sniper he was in the Second Iraq War and how he was special ops, but he and his squad were captured prisoners of war, and only he escaped. We see video of him shooting and stabbing some Middle Eastern dudes while he talks about this. U-S-A! U-S-A! Note this Killshot comment: “I don’t know if my brothers made it out alive. According to the U.S. government, we never existed.” This will come back later! Anyway, that explains why the apparently legally dead Killshot is wearing a mask and fighting in this skeevy-ass Temple where he is probably paid under the table. Killshot tells us that he is using this underground fight ring as a way to deal with his PTSD, basically, and hopes fervently that the rest of his squad will find their way home as he did. No, I can tell you from what I remember of the next couple of LU seasons that you absolutely do not want that, Killshot. And frankly, neither do I, but I will still chronicle all that nonsense here.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Famous B. tries to get Mascarita Sagrada to join his agency as a client while Sagrada works out in the gym. B. leaves after his pitch, walking right past Sexy Star as she lifts weights; he also walks past Willie Mack, who enters the gym and tells Star that the very sadistic Dario Cueto stuck him on a trios team with Marty and Mariposa Martinez. Mack sure would like her support in these trying times and attempts to coax her to join him at ringside to watch his back. Star refuses, and Mack leaves, but not before hoping that she will soon find herself in a healed mental space so that she can join him in beating the shit out of those two for what they’ve done to her. Star recalls all the abuses that the Martinez siblings have given her while she lifts, and by the time she’s done, she’s so furious that she might be about to hoist the bar over her head and bust a wall with it.

 

• We see exterior shots of Los Angeles and then an exterior shot of the temple; El Dragon Azteca Jr. has once again tagged the Lucha Underground billboard at the top of the temple with a question mark of the kind that you would see on Rey Misterio Jr.’s wrestling tights back in 1996.

 

• Joey Ryan and the flunkies (Mister Cisco, Cortez Castro Reyes) face off with Willie Mack and the Martinez sibs Marty and Mariposa. Dario just loves fuckery, doesn’t he? Vampiro is still enthralled by Mack’s black-and-yellow attire: “Big Daddy Bumblebee, he looks like to me. I wanna give him a hug and rub his head.” Vampiro, you charming weirdo. Mack and Ryan start out…no, wait, Ryan tags out immediately to Cisco. That looks like simple cowardice to the commentary desk, but to us, it looks like the cop letting the civilian take the brunt of the damage.

 

• Cisco and Mack actually respectfully dap it up before going at it. They complete a series of intricate moves, with Cisco busting out diving arm drags and Mack doing an Ultimo Dragon-style corner headstand and the delightful Ron Funches enjoying the action in the front row. If Taskmaster ever lets another American comedian on its panel of guests, Funches should be that comedian, and not just because he was the only watchable thing about the shitty and short-lived U.S. version of that show.

 

• I digress. These fellas wrestle to a standoff, then dap it up again while the crowd cheers for the standoff, which is a thing that normally I roll my eyes at, but in this case, seemed to work to make Cisco look like a capable pro wrestler and not a jobber-ass jobber. Mack and Cisco consider hooking it up again, but Ryan blind tags Cisco, gets in the ring, and then points at the opposition corner while demanding GIVE ME THE GIRL. No, I’m sorry Joey, you have to stay at least a thousand yards away from her at all times. Mariposa blind tags Mack as Mack looks at this dude with the disgust that he warrants.

 

• Mariposa is easily the best female worker on this show. She’s a fluid enough worker to wrestle the dudes and hit spots without the male worker having to do a lot of obvious extra work to hold things together. She has a perfectly solid series with Ryan in which she basically rolls him, including a rope walk arm drag, before Marty tags in; she also has a nice sequence with Cisco as part of this match. Marty and Mariposa work over Cisco, freezing Mack out of the match; the Moth gets two on an exploder suplex into the corner in a brutal-looking spot. Cisco manages a neckbreaker and then crawls for a tag; he reaches Cortez, who lands a DDT on Marty and pins him until it is broken up by a Mariposa low dropkick.

 

• Cortez tries to tag Castro back in, but Ryan sticks his hand in and steals the tag, claiming that he’ll SHOW YA HOW IT’S DONE. Meanwhile, Mack has blind tagged Marty on the other side of the ring to the consternation of the creepy siblings. Ryan walks over and tries to jump Mack while he argues with the sibs, but Mack steamrolls him and ends up getting two on a standing moonsault that is broken up by the flunkies. The match breaks down; Mack prepares a div bee onto everyone on the floor, but Mariposa petulantly gets on the apron and blocks his path, so Mack gently uses his boot to pry her from the apron and knock her to the floor before completing his plancha onto the whole mass of humanity.

 

• Mack puts Ryan back in the ring and prepares to finish it, but Marty blind tags Mack by slapping him as hard as he can, so Mack slaps him back as hard as he can, which leads to them chopping the shit out of each other for a few seconds. After each chop, Marty yells I’M IN. Mack finally ends their disagreement by yelling FUCK YOU, hitting him with a Stunner, and then leaving the ring as Marty stumbles into a Cisco and Cortez Shatter Machine for three. Of course, Joey Ryan leaps in and takes all the credit for the victory.

 

• After the match, Mariposa angrily jumps Mack, but Sexy Star runs out and covers him, backing Mariposa off. Mariposa doesn’t think that Star has the ovaries to challenge her, but in fact, Star chops the shit out of her and then whips her around by her hair. Star uses chokes and boots to beat Mariposa with abandon until Marty can recover and drag her from the ring. This match was supremely entertaining and Star trying to throttle Mariposa after the bout was great.

 

• Seedy rooftop interstitial: El Dragon Azteca Jr. contemplates his tag; Rey Misterio Jr. walks up behind him, and they have a conversation about how Azteca Jr. didn’t do so well against Matanza Cueto in Aztec Warfare a couple of weeks ago, but he’s got to get better at fighting because he must kill the monster who killed their mentor. Matanza didn’t kill their mentor, of course, but it’s fine, he’s killed a lot of other people and needs to be dealt with. I do wonder if they're ever going to find out who did kill their mentor, though, and what that will mean for Black Lotus if they do. Then, in a notable moment, Rey tells Azteca Jr. that they’re in the trios tournament and will be tagging up next week. Azteca Jr. asks who their partner will be, and Prince Puma steps out of the darkness and says his first word in this whole series of this show: “Me.” I immediately want this team to win this tournament. This is it. This is the team. Though I will note that Puma’s response of “Damn right we do” when Rey and Azteca Jr. say that they fight together is a clear indicator that this dude probably did not grow up in Southern California as his backstory asserts. It’s fine. Maybe he moved there when he was seven. Fuck it, let him talk more anyway.

 

• Fenix has a rematch for his Lucha Underground Championship, but he’s probably cooked, man. I’m sure Dario Cueto was keen to give Fenix that rematch so that he could have Matanza get another one of his good-guy opps out of the paint. As Matanza Cueto (w/Dario Cueto) makes his way to the ring, I’m wondering if Fenix being a significantly better bumper and seller than Penta will mean that Matanza’s beatdown looks more convincing this week than it did last week. Fenix immediately tries a kick, gets it blocked, grasps his shin in pain, and then launches himself into the mesosphere when Matanza shoves him, so I don’t have to wonder anymore.

 

• Fenix takes a release German into the buckles that looks like nasty work. Yeah, he’s cooked. He’s doing some great verbal selling too, yelping in pain every time Matanza touches him. Fenix should only wrestle monsters. When he’s wrestling as an ace, he sucks, but when he’s wrestling as an undersized guy just trying to survive in there, he transforms into a legitimately great worker. Dario calls for blood as Fenix attempts to do anything to take Matanza off his feet. Dario, annoyed, tells Matanza to treat Fenix like he treated Mama Cueto, which means that we may be seeing a homicide here in a second, Fenix tries a suicide dive, but Matanza catches him and hits a front slam on the floor that looks and sounds absolutely fantastic. Cooked in a bubbling pot. That’s what Fenix is. Matanza gets Fenix back in the ring and drops him with the Wrath of the Gods for three, then clubs away at the knocked out Fenix after the match.

 

• Ref Marty Elias begs Dario to control Matanza, and let me tell you that Dario is absolutely not interested in controlling Matanza. But there is someone in the building who loves Fenix in her own weird way who is ready to intervene! Catrina walks to the top of the stairs with a house mic and demands that Matanza stop his attack. Bold move! Matanza is distracted by Catrina and doesn’t see Mil Muertes attack him from his blind side. Matanza falls to the floor, where Dario holds up the key that caged him to lead him away. Catrina, meanwhile, holds up her mystical stone to encourage Mil. Mil looks at Fenix like he wants to further kill him, but he leaves without renewing any of the longstanding beefs he has with his constant LU rival. Catrina and a wobbly Fenix exchange what I would describe as a steamy glance before Catrina leaves. Well, Catrina is mostly steamy; Fenix is mostly in pain and wondering what the fuck type of train just hit him and whether or not Catrina is simply using him again or if she really likes him. I mean really, really likes him.

 

• Fantastic show! The wrestling was great, the interstitials were excellent and full of suspense, and I’m excited to see the Rey/Azteca/Puma team and the inevitable Mil/Matanza clash in the next few episodes. There wasn’t one big match or interstitial to put this episode into the full fives for my taste, but it’s as close as one can get to that level of excellence: 4.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Edited August 26 by SirSmUgly

[zendragon]

I hope you follow Ron Funches on instagram so you can see him do bits about "Pro wrestling is world where minor dispute is settled via body slam" and singing "you are a real american, even if you're mexican and trans!"

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 12: “Three’s A Crowd” or Aero Fighters

• Recap: Now that the Gift of the Gods belt has been cashed in, it’s time for the medallions that give it its power to be removed from the belt and redistributed amongst the Temple’s fighters. Of course, whoever ends up getting hold of a medallion and eventually earning the Gift of the Gods belt might want to hold onto their potential title shot for a little while considering that Matanza Cueto is still in kill mode right now. In other news, we saw the superteam of Rey Misterio Jr., El Dragon Azteca Jr., and Prince Puma formed last week. Who shall face them in this week’s trios tournament match?

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Johnny Mundo, Taya, and Cage shall face them in this week’s trios tournament match because Dario Cueto is a total prick. Cage suggests that instead, he just fights Mundo, but Dario rolls his eyes, and with only a slight amount of contempt leaking through, responds with a curt, “No, I like my idea better.” Dario then formally introduces himself to Taya and holds his hand out for a shake, but Taya smirks at him, doesn’t shake, and informs him that she knows who he is, duh. Taya, what are you doing, sis? Are you trying to piss off the vindictive owner-slash-booker with the cannibalistic brother, or like, what? On cue, Dario’s grin fades away and he clearly files away that particular slight in one of the petty-ass file cabinets within his memory.

 

• Dario ends his pitch (that doesn’t matter because he’s making them wrestle together anyway no matter what they think about it) by saying that Dysfunction Junction hated each other, but they managed to win last year, and this would be a great chance for both Mundo and Cage to finally get their hands on some gold. I mean, Cage already did get his hands on gold, and when he did, he tore the first LU Championship belt in half (Season One, Show Twelve). I assume that this time, he’d treat a trios tag belt more carefully. Cage says he’ll win the tournament by himself if he has to and then goes into his catchphrase, which an extremely annoyed Dario finishes for him. Cage leaves, and Mundo sticks around to be chummy with Dario and mock Cage’s catchphrase, but a stone-faced Dario is still mad at Mundo’s dopey girlfriend and drily cuts him off: “Just win the tournament.” Dario is killing me, man. Hilarious stuff from him. These three irritated him so much that he couldn’t keep up with his usual fake friendliness.

 

• Matt Striker and Vampiro hype the show briefly before cutting to the ring, where Melissa Santos introduces Argenis and Killshot in our opening singles bout. Well, look, a match like this one is part of the LU house style, and as an important song of American culture says: You take the good/You take the bad/You take them both/And then you have/LU house style/LU house style. OK, maybe I got that last couple of lines wrong, but you get the idea. Striker notices Killshot coming out here in camo print and suggests that maybe Killshot is like a few former military friends of his who keep any traumas from their service way down deep inside where it is safe to store them. Vampiro helps build him for his upcoming push by talking about Killshot’s deceptive strength for such a lanky young dude after Killshot catches an Argenis diving rana and eventually swings Argenis around for a spinning brainbuster.

 

• Killshot lands a double stomp and then a way overly complex electric chair drop into a package piledriver that took him so long to set up that there’s no way most opponents wouldn’t counter him in the midst of the set-up from a kayfabe perspective. The logic of awkwardly shrugging one’s opponent from electric chair position into package piledriver position also makes no sense. It added no impact, no velocity, no leverage to the move. He could have just done a package piledriver without all the shoulda-been-countered set-up. AEW viewers, is he still doing this sort of thing with regularity, or has he cut that nonsense out with experience? Anyway, this was a watchable match even though that finish got my nose figuratively out of joint. It only did so figuratively and not literally even though watching Killshot do dumb overly-complex nonsense of the type that kid me might do with my 1993 WWF Hasbro figures sort of made me want to bash my head into something, Vampiro-style.

 

• Striker hypes the big trios tag match for later tonight as we see footage of Misterio, Azteca, and Puma on the roof. I think this is a minor mistake because those interstitials are meant to be things we are privy to as if a camera isn’t there at all, as in a typical drama. Using footage from that to hype a match, which is something that Dario Cueto is doing as our kayfabe promoter, crosses that boundary – he must have taken the footage or had someone else do it and then spliced it into a hype package for the show. It steps across the boundary that LU’s producers and showrunners have set up about what is broadcast freely by the owner (the matches, the interviews, the stuff within the audience and ring area of the Temple, Famous B.’s paid commercial interstitials) and what we are seeing that goes on off-camera, some of which the owner shouldn’t be seeing (pretty much every other interstitial with or without Dario in it). I only mention this because LU is usually exceptional at keeping a distinct line between those two things, which is why this show works so well in general.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: El Dragon Azteca Jr. walks up to Black Lotus as she stands sentinel outside of Dario Cueto’s office. Azteca is disgusted and inquires as to how Lotus can find it in herself to work for Dario. Uh-oh, let’s see if Azteca finds out something from this conversation that he would never guess otherwise. Lotus protests that she had to pretend to align with Dario to get out of the cell that she was stashed away in, but I don’t entirely believe her because when Azteca asks her who killed Azteca Sr., without skipping a beat, she nods and responds, “The monster killed him.” This cold-blooded, no-hesitation lie on Lotus’s part makes me think that she’s probably just a shithead, right? I mean, a normal person with even a shred of a conscience hesitates or tries to change the subject or admits that they actually did it in a pleading or emotionally distraught way to soften the response. Azteca Jr. is young and dumb, so he asks Lotus to stay close to Dario and to look for opportunities to get at both he and Matanza, then leaves. Lotus finally looks like she might have slightly regretted that lie, but I still think that she’s scoring a solid “probably a shithead” on the Shithead Meter after this interstitial.

 

• Meanwhile, Dario Cueto pours a drink for his current guest, a dude named Daga who is Dario’s latest and hottest signing. Dario shows off the medallions, but Daga doesn’t seem to give a fuck about them. His bored response of “that’s creative” when Dario explains how the medallions fit into the whole Gift of the Gods thing pretty much says it all. Dario then books him against Texano for the first medallion, but Daga seems more interested in destroying Texano than in the medallion itself. Still, based on the reaction he gives Daga, Dario has high hopes for this dude and his propensity for naked violence.

 

• I don’t remember Daga at all, and I watched this show and remember patches of what happened this season. I think because this is such a heavily serialized show and because I’m not sure that I ever made it all the way through season one until this watch through, my memory of what happened in the two seasons that I did watch fully back then (two and three) is even faultier than it otherwise might be. Vampiro does a great job on color of sharing info about Daga (prefers Japanese shoot style) and giving some history that colors the match (Daga and Texano tagged together at one point in Mexico).

 

• Daga disrespectfully slaps Texano to break a collar-and-elbow, and then they do some speedy counter-wrestling that looks barely okay. One of the things about the counter-counter-counter standoff stuff is that it often doesn't look great to my eye because speed is usually the primary goal and not work that looks tight. I prefer tightness of work to speed for speed’s sake. The two men shoulderblock one another to a standoff, and Texano slaps Daga right back. I’m not a fan of this match at all. There’s a lot of running and running and running, but the moves themselves don’t look very impactful outside of the stuff that legit hurts, like the chops. And since we’re here watching Daga’s debut:

 

• On a thigh-slap scale where “least obvious” is Prince Puma, “most obvious” is Fenix, and dead in the middle is Alberto El Patrón, these thigh slaps score a…Fenix. Look, as I said last review, I think Fenix is an excellent pro wrestler in certain contexts, so I can find it in me to put up with his obvious thigh slapping. He’s had too many awesome outings against Mil Muertes and Matanza Cueto for me to hate on him much at this point despite how I felt about him at the beginning of season one. Daga, however, has not built that sort of goodwill with me. First impressions are important, and my first impression is that he absolutely sucks, but Fenix also gave me that initial impression, and I changed my mind on him. There might be something that Daga is good at as a pro wrestler, and I hope that he will eventually show me what he’s good at. For that matter, I’m more convinced with each match that Texano’s not particularly good, either.

 

• This match is such a bummer that I sort of wish Killshot was out here wrestling Argenis again. Both men work some close two counts before finally, Daga blocks a back suplex and rolls through into an ankle lock. Texano manages to flip to his back and monkey flip Daga away, then lands a sitout powerbomb on Daga for a victory and the first medallion. Texano takes the medallion, puts on his black cowboy hat, and looks considerably cooler than he wrestles.

 

• Mil Muertes meditates in a softly-lit room full of candles when Catrina teleports in and tells Mil that the Disciples of Death have gained entry to the trios tag tournament and would like to prostrate themselves in front of Mil, hoping to regain his favor by finding success in the tournament. Mil seems to accept their request for the moment; Catrina sends them teleporting away, then promises Mil that the Disciples will not fail him as they have recently done so. She then turns to a discussion of Mil’s upcoming title match against Matanza Cueto and calls Matanza more devastating than the 1985 Mexico City earthquake, which killed Mil's family in kayfabe and a lot of people in real life and, yeah, I suppose that’s an apt comparison considering what we know of Matanza. Mil, who gets his title shot next week, raises his arm and lets out a guttural yell, which I think means that he believes he’s ready to meet the challenge!

 

• Here's our main event! Rey Misterio Jr., El Dragon Azteca Jr., and Prince Puma are my rooting interest in this tournament and in any potential trios tag title match that they earn as a result of hopefully winning this tournament. Fuck ‘em up, boys! Their opponents are (of course) Johnny Mundo, Taya, and Brian Cage.

 

• Cage headlocks Azteca, who tries the typical punch to the gut and shove of his opponent to the ropes, but Cage just holds on and drags him around. I’m ready to assert that Cage has improved quite a bit, mostly because he leans more on his strongman stuff and is more selective about when he leaves his feet. That little tweak has made him far more enjoyable a worker. Anyway, Azteca manages to get on his bike and hit a diving arm drag. Puma tags in and stalemates Cage; Mundo blind tags Cage and manages to get control with a Moonlight Drive after Taya grabs Puma’s leg on a rope run and distracts him.

 

• Puma plays a bit of FIP as Mundo tags in Taya and they work a series of double team moves that end with Mundo holding Puma so that Taya can boot him in the mush and cover for two. Taya keeps Puma in the heel corner so that Mundo can attack from outside the ring; Cage leans against the ropes and looks faintly annoyed by all the shitheelery from Mundo and Taya. Taya’s issue is that she’s incredibly cocky; she locks on a front facelock and grins, not noticing that she’s close enough to Cage that Cage can blind tag her. Cage lands a deadlift powerbomb and then a standing moonsault, but can only earn two counts for his troubles.

 

• Mundo wants to put the isolated Puma away and tries to slip Cage a chair, but Cage kicks it out of the way because he’s the weapon, dammit! Mundo slaps Cage for not accepting his help, and Cage smacks him back; ref Marty Elias notices all this and determines that Mundo’s slap represents a legal tag, which it most certainly does, so good reffing there. Mundo hops in and stomps out Puma; Taya illegally enters the ring and helps him, but when she tries to whip Mundo into Puma, Puma dodges his charge, then dodges Taya’s charge, and turns back Cage’s desperate attack with a boot. He reaches for a tag…but Mundo trips Rey as Rey reaches out to touch Puma’s hand. Yeah, this match rules.

 

• Cage tries to follow up once again, but Puma lands a quick enziguri and manages a hot tag to Azteca, who doesn’t get a huge pop from the hot tag, but who will get them on his side in time; he hits a nice rana out of electric chair position for two that the crowd likes. Taya jumps Azteca from behind, but Azteca knocks Taya away with a kick to the gut as she taunts him and then flips out of a Mundo back suplex and tags to Rey, who has a great hot tag segment in which he dominates both Mundo and Taya. He knocks Mundo into a seated position in the corner and trips Taya as she charges; Taya inadvertently headbutts Mundo in the balls, of course.

 

• By the look on Mundo’s face, he’s raging about that, but he charges right into a Rey headscissors that topples him into Taya and leaves them both draped over the middle rope. They bail before Rey can complete a 619, but Puma hits them with a suicide dive; Azteca follows up with a lovely plancha. See, these dives were all earned, so I loved them. I’m not against dives on principle like some kind of uncultured swine.

 

• Cage finally makes his way over and mows down Azteca with a lariat, but Puma hits him with a step-up kick; meanwhile, back in the ring, Rey ducks a Mundo lariat and hits a springboard crossbody on the rebound for two. Mundo manages a kick and a sunset flip, but Rey rolls through for a low front dropkick for two more; Taya is the one to break up the cover. She celebrates, then helps Mundo hit Rey with an Au Revoir for only two when Puma breaks it up.

 

• The match has utterly broken down; everyone gets in the ring whether legal or not, and though Puma and Azteca toss Mundo and Taya to the floor, Cage double lariats them and hits Rey with a floatover powerslam. Alas, Cage and Mundo hate one another and have a disagreement about who gets to fly from the top rope to follow up on Rey. This causes a delay that allows Puma to dropkick Cage right into Mundo’s nuts as Mundo stands on the top rope while Cage argues with him on the mat. Mundo’s testes have been tortured tonight. Puma puts Mundo in electric chair position, where Azteca leaps onto Mundo’s shoulders and hits a rana. Puma follows with a 630 Senton Bomb that should end the match, but which, in a total bummer, only gets 2.8. What? That’s some bullshit.

 

• Well, there’s a whole extra unnecessary finishing sequence that’s fine, but right now, it sort of has the energy of a denouement and not a climax. Almost everyone hits moves on everyone else, and then Cage manages to catch Azteca on his shoulders while already holding Puma in front slam position, which is an amazing feat of strength. It’s almost worth this match continuing past its optimal stopping point, it’s so good, and it picks things up again for me. He hits a fallaway slam on the whole damned bunch, but that’s simply not enough to put Team Lucha away. You toss one or two away, and there’s always a third jumping back into the fray to harass you. This time around, Puma wriggles away from Mundo’s follow-up Weapon X and then ducks a Mundo kick that hits Cage instead. Cage lariats Mundo as Mundo  protests that it was merely a mistake.

 

• Rey goes up top and hits Cage with a moonsault, then flips Mundo into 619 position and scores it. Mundo wobbles backward and hoists up Azteca as the latter runs at him; Azteca keeps rotating as Mundo instinctively grabs him and hits a tornado DDT. Rey takes out Taya on the floor with a seated senton; Azteca hits a springboard rana on the other side and wipes out Cage. All that’s left is for Puma to drop another 630 Senton Bomb on Mundo for the victory. I very much enjoyed this bout, but man, if they could have figured out a way to get the cool spots after the first 630 and the false finish in before that 630 and just finished the match with one 630 spot, that would have ruled. Actually, Puma simply landing an aerial move other than a 630 that lead to the 2.8 would have fixed everything. That’s a complaint about that close two count spot that doesn’t really spoil all the cool shit that happened both before and after it, though. This was another incredibly fun trios match; the trios tournament in season two is so much better than the one in season one so far, and we’re only two matches in!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto preps his brother Matanza in lock-up so that he's fully ready for next week’s title defense against Mil Muertes. Dario is confident that even though Mil is a challenge the likes of which Matanza has not faced before, baby bro will overcome that challenge. Dario then tells Matanza that he’s got to be caged up for his own sake because he’s so valuable and compliments his brother on “the beauty of [his] destruction” before asking Matanza to do him proud next week “and bring death to the dead.” That last line sends Matanza into what seems almost an orgasmic frenzy as he shakes his cell bars and grunts like a man at a peep show. What a note upon which to end!

 

• The main event and the interstitials carried us to another good show, though if I may have one negative thought, it’s that there are still more Killshot, Daga, and Texano matches to watch as our run through all four seasons of Lucha Underground continues. Maybe they should all be stuck in a trios tag team together so they can have their weaknesses hidden and their strengths enhanced. 4 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Edited August 26 by SirSmUgly

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 13: “Monster Meets Monster” or King of the Monsters, Too: The Next (Dominant) Thing

• Recap: There’s a really fun trios tournament happening right now; the Disciples of Death will be wrestling in that tournament tonight. Will they fare better than their master Mil Muertes, who wrestles Matanza Cueto for the Lucha Underground Championship later tonight? Well, it’ll probably be hard for them to fare worse.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto meets with Fenix in his office and tells him that he’s lucky to be alive after catching a beatdown from Matanza Cueto. Can I sidebar here for a second? Matanza Cueto hasn’t given a truly great beatdown yet. The Fenix match only felt more brutal because Fenix is an near-elite level bumper and seller. The Penta match was kinda weak. I’m hoping that Jeff Cobb can find the killer within the character in the upcoming weeks and make Matanza feel like more of an otherworldly threat.

 

• Anyway, Dario pitches Fenix, alongside Drago and Aerostar, to enter this year’s trios tournament. Then, he pretends to suddenly remember that they were in the tournament as a team last year (Season One, Show Twenty-Two), and that Drago and Aerostar were at each other’s throats because Dario had turned the long-time friends against one another by putting them in a best-of-five series. I mean, Dario doesn’t mention that last part where he was the reason they were beefing; he just mentions that they were beefing in his passive-voiced, passive-aggressive way. Dario instead has what again is an awfully sudden brainstorm to avoid Fenix having two feuding partners this year. I mean, he does technically give Fenix partners who aren’t feuding right now: P.J. Black and Jack Evans. Poor Fenix. He should just go full Bobby Knight with a chair as soon as he lays eyes on Evans.

 

• Meanwhile, Cueto is upset that Drago and Aerostar are friends again and wants to get them at one another’s throats like last year, so he pits them against one another for the second Aztec medallion. That match will open the show. Dario claps twice like he's summoning waitstaff or a djinn and then sends them all out of his office because he’s a piece of shit, and I’m mad at him because for a second, I thought we might be building to a Misterio/Azteca/Puma versus Drago/Aerostar/Fenix trios tournament final, which would have made my day even if there were no heels to glue together the fragments that would ideally connect all the dazzling babyface high spots. That’s one matchup where everyone spamming crazy moves and 2.9s would have fulfilled even me. Dammit, Dario. What a jerk.

 

• The babyfaces stood from their seats and glared at Dario before they left. For a second, I hoped they’d all jump him right then and there, but they’re babyfaces and are therefore much more noble than maybe you or I might be.

 

• Matt Striker and Vampiro run down tonight’s matches: Drago vs. Aerostar for a medallion, Disciples of Death versus Fenix/Evans/Black, and Muertes/Matanza for the LU Championship. Promising card!

 

• I like both Drago and Aerostar, even though I’d much rather see them tagging together than wrestling one another. Vampiro thinks that Aerostar is the underdog on account of having lost last season’s best-of-five series to Drago; however, Striker points out that Aerostar hasn’t really built off his momentum from the end of last season and is struggling a bit this season. That’s a nice bit of work to explain why either guy could win (or lose).

 

• Both men have a crisp mat exchange to start, mixing in a couple of flash pinfalls and nice arm drags. This was very good stuff to remind everyone how evenly matched they are. That exchange has them heated; they go head-to-head and then do a bit of rope running. Drago sidesteps an Aerostar rebound backflip off the ropes and kicks him, then starts running again and eventually gets hit with an Aerostar twisting bodypress, though he lands a springboard arm drag shortly after that which Aerostar rolls through before getting back to his feet and eyeing Drago warily. See? Very evenly matched.

 

• This match is already better than any of the five they had against one another last season. Aerostar tries to shake hands with Drago after that last exchange, but Drago slaps his hand away and dropkicks him instead. No, Drago! This is what Dario wants! Man, Drago is so easily manipulable. He’s got to be headed for a heel turn at some point. Drago charges Aerostar in the corner, but Aerostar moves and Drago posts himself, sliding to the floor. Aerostar tries to follow up with a double-springboard moonsault, but he slips, crashes, and burns in an ugly botch, though I think it sort of works within the flow of the match because everything is escalating from that opening mat exchange and getting more heated and risky, so a legit botch like this one emphasizes the stakes being raised. Everyone does an awesome job of integrating the botch into the match, too; Striker takes the chance to talk about the slickness of the ropes and the general danger of wrestling in the Temple and Drago immediately capitalizes by smashing Aerostar’s head into the raised railing. Even the crowd did a great job of reacting to it with a simple OHHHH and then some supportive chanting for Aerostar without doing the annoying ECW crowd-style YOU FUCKED UP chant. When a botch happens and everyone integrates it nicely into the match, it works just fine as part of the story being told.

 

• It's certainly not a botched spot that’s going to color my opinion of this match; Drago lets Aerostar collect himself and feeds him the next series of spots, which is Aerostar hitting a rana on the rebound after being whipped to the ropes, then following with a springboard plancha to Drago on the floor. Vampiro has a really nice call here: “Hey, man, it’s a risky business. Everybody saying LU-CHA, LU-CHA, LU-CHA, exactly! That’s what it is! You take your chances. Sometimes you hit a home run, sometimes you strike out brother. That’s what it is; life in the big leagues. Take it or leave it.” That is such a "Macho Man on commentary in 1993" thing to say. I feel like 1993 commentator Macho and 2015 commentator Vampiro are vibing on that same level and when they are at their best, they really do a great job of adding a unique, idiosyncratic former-wrestler perspective on color.

 

• I have a ton of affection for this opener for whatever reason. I just love everything about it. The escalation, the subtle heeling from Drago, Aerostar’s slip being perfectly worked into the proceedings: I can’t say that this is the best match that I’ve ever seen, but it’s one of my personal favorites that I’ve seen in a minute or two. Drago hits a dive to the floor, and then he dodges an Aerostar springboard move before landing a hanging DDT for a close two count. Both men trade big moves to try and finish things. Aerostar hits a springboard dropkick and then tries a rope-walk rana, but Drago shoves him to the mat and then scores one of the sweetest missile dropkicks I’ve seen this side of Booker T. Man, what a nice missile dropkick. Drago follows with a Dominator for about 2.8.

 

• Drago next attempts a low dropkick, misses, and rolls out of the way of an Aerostar senton. They get to their knees and forearm one another, then get to their feet and go running, where Drago gets the worst of it as Aerostar uses the ropes to boot him in the back. Aerostar follows with a springboard Codebreaker and lands a deadman’s drop springboard splash for three and for the second medallion. This has a chance to make my end of season favorite matches list, but it’s already got quite a bit of competition a third of the way through the second season.

 

• Not all-that-seedy gym interstitial: Taya hits on Johnny Mundo while he strengthens his punch power in the gym of their palatial greater Los Angeles home. Mundo responds by riffing on Cage’s catchphrase – “I’m not a man, I’m The Man” – before Taya tells Mundo that she met with Dario and, as Mundo asked her to, demanded that Dario simply hand over a medallion to Mundo. Mundo wants to make sure that she reminded Dario that he didn’t get a chance to win one last season, which Taya reports that she did. Of course, Taya making demands of Dario is, let’s say a suboptimal course of action. Mundo’s confident “Great, where is it?” and Taya’s reluctance to note that she obviously did not get Dario to just hand over a medallion are pretty good. Taya reports that Dario instead booked Mundo in a match for the third medallion against Cage. Mundo tries to hype himself up and then notes that at least Taya will be there to liberally interfere for him. The reluctance on Taya’s face deepens as she lets Mundo know that Dario made it a Cage Match. Whoopsie! I think this whole interstitial was just made to build to that dork Mundo quipping “Cage…in a cage.” Taya hypes Mundo until his confidence rises again as the interstitial ends.

 

• I forgot that these trios tag tournaments always have three first round matches and a bummer of a Triple Threat final. Meh, build this out to a proper four-team tournament with a first round, semis, and a two-team final. Throw up a bracket graphic while you’re at it. Rey Fenix, Jack Evans, and P.J. Black face the Disciples of Death (w/Catrina). Black is a goof, but Evans is hilarious. So, Fenix reaches out to tag Black while Black has one of the disciples in an arm wringer. Of course, Black pulls his hand back as Fenix tries to tag. That looks like the punchline of the spot, but no! Actually, the punchline of the spot is that when Black smirks and then goes to tag his buddy Evans, Evans leans out of the way and then explains to a confused Black, “I’m management! You’re doing so well! You’re doing good! Keep going, bro, keep going!” That shit was hilarious.

 

• Black then arm drags the disciple, and Evans yells at the annoyed Black, “See? Believe in yourself!” Evans is almost too funny here. I fully enjoyed his jabbering despite his extreme and shameful kayfabe cowardice. Evans has apparently taken this trios tournament as a chance to let everyone else wrestle for him while he avoids getting beat up. Fenix just jumps in and dives on multiple disciples, but Evans starts to follow with a springboard move before deciding better of it and gently ending his springboard back on the apron. He finally makes a tag to Black, protesting all the while (“I’m stretching! I don’t want an injury!”). That’s the right way to go; tire the gag out until it becomes annoying, Family Guy-style.

 

• OK, I get it: This trios team seemed like it would suck because Evans and Black didn’t like Fenix and vice versa, but it actually sucks because Jack Evans is a complete and total clown. Evans does a long taunt while Black has the disciple in an abdominal stretch (“Are you all ready?! Because you are about to see the greatest thing you’ve ever seen!”) and then prepares a huge strike…but that delay allows Siniestre to circle the ring and trip him just as he starts to advance. Evans ends up crotched on the post and begging for help to remove him from his predicament (“Horrible! Horrible! Horrible! Get me outta here!”). Black helps drag him off the post and then tells the ref that dragging Evans counts as a tag even though he was already in the ring. This team is a walking disaster even without Dario Cueto doing a damned thing to engineer said disaster.

 

• Evans is about done with all this wrestling nonsense, and Black needs a tag after working the whole match, so he finally, willingly tags Fenix, who goes off and kicks the shit out of the disciples. He lands superkicks and springboard dropkicks and low dropkicks, scoring a couple of two counts in between, until he finally runs into a superkick from Siniestre and ends up as the FIP. Fenix works out of the jam; Evans steals the hot tag from Black since his other two partners have softened up the disciples. Evans feels good about what he’s done, hits a crane kick taunt, and then lectures his partners, which of course leads to the other two illegal disciples rushing the ring and kicking him. Fenix lands a blind tag rids himself of the illegal disciples with a  springboard double dropkick, and trades near falls with the disciple in the ring.

 

• Feni works himself out of the jam, then tags Black and gives Black directions. Black follows with a springboard 450 for two, but then argues with Fenix about who gives whom which directions. They rid themselves of a charging disciple, then go back to arguing. Black eventually hits a plancha onto two disciples at ringside while Fenix seems to tag Black as Black launches. Before Fenix can finish off the final disciple in the ring, Evans leaps into he ring, blocks his path, and yells “I’m gonna show you how it’s done!” before hitting a successful dive onto everyone else at ringside. Fenix is then free to hit a springboard 450 on the final disciple for three. That was a very stupid match, and I say that as a complete compliment. That was a fun and funny bout. Jack Evans is basically Dan Hibiki in real-life form.

 

• Catrina storms away in a rage; meanwhile, the ref raises the arms of Black and Fenix, and Evans quickly shoves Fenix’s arm away and puts his own raised arm in its place. See? If this were a proper eight-team tournament with three rounds instead of a six-team tournament with two rounds, we’d be blessed with at least one more trios match with Black, Fenix, and Evans doing absurd comedy and nice dives! Maybe two more!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto tries to unsettle Dysfunction Junction by claiming that his idea for a trios tournament is a huge success because before the first tournament, Angelico’s tag partners thought of him as a “pretty boy” and Ivelisse had dumped Son of Havoc (Havoc, insistently and correctly TBH: “I dumped her”). They almost start bickering like they’re back in season one, but they pull it together. Ivelisse declares that they’ll still beat whomever wins the current trios tournament and challenges them for their trios tag titles, but Dario informs them that actually, they’re also in the tournament because the winner of the tournament gets the titles. Dario amplifies his heeling here. Rather than creating a fourth first-round match and then doing a proper eight-team tournament, he instead makes the final a messy Fatal Fourway for the LU Trios Tag Team Championships that includes Dysfunction Junction. So, that match will be: Dysfunction Junction (c) vs. Officer Cortez Castro Reyes, Officer Joey Ryan, and Mister Cisco vs. Rey Misterio Jr., El Dragon Azteca Jr., and Prince Puma vs. Rey Fenix, Jack Evans, and P.J. Black.

 

• But what if we ran Reyes/Ryan/Cisco vs. Misterio/Azteca/Puma and then Fenix/Evans/Black vs. Dysfunction Junction instead? **Perry Saturn voice**: What if? 

 

• Anyway, Dario declares that the underdogs in Team Havoc can pull off another miracle victory, which of course sets off a round of arguing about the name of the team (Havoc, while rolling his eyes humorously after Ivelisse names their team after her: “That sounds ridiculous”). Dario’s having an Excedrin moment and snarls a simple “Get out” while rubbing his temple. Dysfunction Junction gets out. 

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Catrina dresses down the Disciples of Death for failing both Mil and herself yet again. She seems irate about Fenix winning the pinfall in particular. Catrina demands that at least one of them gives her a reason not to destroy the lot of them. That’s when Siniestre de la Muerte (I think) pulls a Kano from the first Mortal Kombat (and maybe the stupidly-named MK1, too, I haven’t played it yet) and rips out Trece’s beating heart. I think it’s safe to stick poor ol’ Trece on the Permadeath Count: 7 (Bael, Konnan, El Dragon Azteca, The Three Nerdsketeers, Trece). I would have been more appropriate if he was the thirteenth dude to die, but it’s okay. He at least died on the thirteenth show of the season.  

 

• Catrina remains unimpressed (“Is that it?”), so Siniestre hits the Kano fatality on Barrio Negro as well. Welp. Permadeath Count: 8 (Bael, Konnan, El Dragon Azteca, The Three Nerdsketeers, Trece, Barrio Negro). If only you’d done that to Ivelisse or Angelico a few shows ago, you’d still be a trios tag champ. Catrina is pleased as she leaves the room and leaves Siniestre alive. I’m glad this faintly boring trios team has been broken up, but I still don’t care about the remaining one of them, though if anyone can make me care, though, it’ll be LU's showrunners.

 

• Melissa Santos does a Steph Curry shoulder shimmy while saying Catrina’s name in what is her latest absurd ring announcing quirk. I try not to pick on her too much, but unless she’s trying to get away from Marty Martinez’s uncalled-for harassment, she’s pretty dopey. Anyway, Catrina seconds Mil Muertes to the ring for his title match against Matanza Cueto (w/Dario Cueto). From a kayfabe standpoint, who knows what Mil will do? He’s both destroyed Fenix and gotten worked by Fenix. I saw him finish off Puma and Penta with a double Flatliner a few weeks ago, but I also remember the striped pants era and post-rebirth (re-death?) Mil sitting on a throne with his arm in a sling, looking like something of a chump. It’s boom or bust with this guy from a storyline standpoint.

 

• Vampiro asks Striker if he’s talked to Dario and gotten any information about that key that Dario is wearing around his neck; poor Vampiro and Striker being kayfabe clueless about what secrets their boss is keeping buried in the basement of the Temple. I continue to love these little moments where commentary reminds us that viewers that we get the fun of knowing more than the people within the Temple.

 

• Speaking of Vamp, he translates Dario’s comments to Matanza at the top of the stairs, something about Matanza needing to finish off Mil because of some spiritual connection that Dario has with Matanza, maybe, or with Mil? Or maybe Matanza and Mil have the connection? Vampiro used an unclear plural pronoun when translating the part about the connection. This just adds to the mystery, so it’s fine that I don’t know what the heck is happening here.

 

• These two meaty men bump some meat, and Mil actually wins a clubberin’ contest and knocks Matanza to the mat. Well, that’s a first! Alas, Matanza gets back up and hits a lariat that Mil bumps himself into a fold for. Mil does manage a powerslam and goes back to clubberin’, but Matanza double chokes him and lifts him from top position. This is a pretty cool match where dudes just throw punches and lariats and occasional power moves.

 

• Mil clubs away in the corner, but he tries to hit three corner charges and is turned back by three boots to the face. Matanza manages to land two rolling gutwrench suplexes, but Mil manages to flip onto his feet for the third. Matanza rushes Mil, but Mil backdrops him to the floor and follows with a successful suicide dive. This is a good match!

 

• Mil clubs away from top position again, and a desperate Dario clubs Mil in the back. Mil breaks away and stalks Dario, goozling him, but he takes too long to do anything with him from that position and is clubbed in the back by Matanza, though Mil tosses Dario as he releases him. Nice floor bump from the working actor there. Catrina soon attacks Matanza with the stone as Matana bashes Mil against the announcer’s table, but Mil hit Matanza in the back with a chair as Matanza goozles Catrina.

 

• Catrina has looked pretty tense herself while watching this match. I feel that there is something unspoken, some knowledge about the implications of the outcome of this match that both Dario and Catrina realize, but that I don’t quite understand. Meanwhile, Matanza and Mil beat each other with a trash can, stumbling up the stairs as they do so. They fight alongside the railing before Mil tosses Matanza onto the top of Dario’s office. I sense a breakaway panel being utilized here! Mil tries to toss Matanza to the floor, but Matanza clings to the railing for dear life. Matanza punches his way out, but Mil hooks him for a Flatliner and goes right through the breakaway panel on the top of Dario’s roof; they land in Dario’s office as both Dario and Catrina freak out. I think that’s the match, folks! No contest!

 

• Dario raises the key while freaking out, screaming Guerra! at Catrina over and over. Yeah, Catrina said that she would take the Temple back from Dario, and now Dario has openly declared war on Catrina. Catrina simply raises her mystical Aztec stone and silently points back at Dario as he froths at the mouth. If you’re going to have a no contest, this is the type of no contest to have. I can’t complain about anything I saw in that main event.

 

• Seedy LAPD office interstitial: The cops somehow found out that Bael is part of the Permadeath Count. In a nice touch, we see a few pictures of former LU wrestlers posted on a corkboard under "Missing:" Hernandez, Alberto El Patrón, Blue Demon Jr., Big Ryck, and I think Daivari. I can't exactly add those fellas to the Permadeath Count, but I'd guess that at least three-fifths of them are probably kayfabe deceased. Captain Vasquez pulls a map over the corkboard as she hears a knock at the door, hiding the pictures from Television's Michael Gray. Oops, no, I got that wrong. She hides the pictures from Television's Lorenzo Lamas. He's not playing himself, though. He's playing a city councilperson for Boyle Heights, and boy does he ham it up as he tells Vasquez that his "employer" has sent him down here to suggest that she drop the case against Dario Cueto. Vasquez thinks that Councilman Delgado, his name is, is referring to the mayor when he speaks of his "employer," but Delgado informs her that no, his employer is much more powerful than the mayor of Los Angeles. Delgado suggests that he's just giving her "a little friendly advice from an old friend." Vasquez grins thinly as Delgado leaves, but bashes her desk in a fit of anger as the door closes behind Television's Lorenzo Lamas. No, sorry again, it closes behind Councilman Delgado. 

 

• The intrigue is off the charts after this show. I dug the hell out of it. 5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 14: “Cage in a Cage” or Supreme Victory!

• Recap: The finals of the trios tag team tournament is tonight; will we have a new set of champs? Also, Cage and Mundo have been having a surprisingly (to me) good feud. They’ll go at it in a Cage Match tonight. No, not a Cage Match, a Cage Match. No, the word "Cage" is not referring to—dammit. Don’t worry, I’ll explain it better when we get there.

 

• Matt Striker and Vampiro welcome us to the show; first, Striker tells us that Mil Muertes and Matanza Cueto will be back from crashing through the roof of Dario’s office sooner than you’d think. Then, they kick it over to…

 

• ...a match held within the confines of a steel cage between Brian Cage and Johnny Mundo (w/Taya Valkyrie). Remember that Dario Cueto made this match for the third Aztec Medallion just to make sure that he totally corrupted Taya’s medallion demand. This heel turn has been huge for Mundo; he was not a fun watch at all for most of last season, but as a heel, he gets to pinball around for the babyfaces and do as much cheating as he can. He’s much better suited for this role.

 

• Speaking of pinballing around, Cage tosses Mundo around the ring and into the cage to start, including an excellent press slam right into the chainlink fencing that looks and sounds great. A follow-up neckbreaker out of the backbreaker position gets two for Cage, and then, huh, Cage drags Mundo to the corner and then uses the ropes themselves as a fulcrum around which to wrap Mundo in a Boston Crab while Cage stands on the second rope. That was an interesting spot, though it was a bit too obvious that Mundo had to feed Cage his left leg to make it work.

 

• I forgot that in Lucha Underground, you could escape the cage to win on top of winning by pinfall or submission, which remains a bummer. Cage tries to leave, gets caught and yanked down by Mundo, and loses control of the bout. Mundo lands a couple of low dropkicks and then tries to escape himself, but he is quickly tracked down by Cage. Taya, standing outside, climbs the cage on her side, takes off her belt, and uses it to whip Cage’s hands so that Mundo can slip from his grasp and grab Cage for a Super C-4 that only gets two.

 

• Mundo boot chokes Cage in the corner while talking shit (“You fat stupid meathead! How’s my boot taste?!”), but when he backs up and charges Cage, he leaps right into a uranage. Cage tries to escape again, and the escape rule has really brought this match down. Now Mundo catches him as he climbs and hits a top-rope Moonlight Drive. What if these guys, who had beaten each other with tables and cinderblocks and glass bottles, just stayed in the cage and tried to kill one another? At the very least, Cage shouldn’t be the one trying to escape all the time. Mundo? Okay, fine, he’s a cowardly heel. Cage is, as he reminds us all the time, a machine and therefore should be ruthlessly hitting moves in search of a pinfall or submission, not climbing away like some sort of cowardly heel.

 

• Taya tries to pass a kendo stick through the fencing, but Cage lariats Mundo before he can grab it; Taya starts to yell at Cage before realizing that she’s still got the stick exposed and that Cage is grabbing for it, but she yanks it back through the fence in time. Cage goes back to doing cool offense – release German, corner powerbomb, powerbomb into the fencing – and then dammit, he tries to climb again instead of going for a pinfall! Cage climbs, and Taya meets him and hits him with the kendo stick. That stops him until Mundo can yank him to the floor, and then Taya continues to be a good helper by tossing the stick down to Mundo, who tees off with it on Cage’s head and body. His cover only gets two, so he goes back to the well with the stick, but Cage blocks the swing by trapping the stick to his body with his arm. He then gains possession of the stick so that he can miss a bunch of swings as Mundo parkours around like he’s on the set of a kung fu flick. I don’t know how I feel about this series of spots; on the one hand, LU goes in for this sort of stylized set-piece stuff in their matches, and yeah, it’s a different and neat thing. On the other hand, all I can think about is how contrived this looks. First the constant escape attempts and now this series of spots have distanced me emotionally from the match, which I thought had been built up to nicely within a pretty hateful feud. This match they’re having doesn’t really match the type of feud heat coming into the bout, IMO. Drago and Aerostar felt more hateful last week, and they’re friends in storyline!

 

• Finally, Cage just tosses Mundo the stick, and as Mundo is too distracted by catching it to roll away, Cage spears him into the corner, then holds on and hits a spinebuster. Mundo releases the stick upon impact, and it pops up and right into Cage’s hand. The crowd pops huge, and yeah, I get it. That series of spots wasn’t to my taste, but it was very good at doing what it was trying to do. Cage finally gets his revenge and breaks the cane over Mundo’s body, then covers for 2.9.

 

• Cage tries to follow up with a huge move out of vertical suplex position, and after a couple of counters, Cage hits a discus lariat for two. Taya starts climbing the cage with a chair hooked around her arm; Mundo manages to reverse into a flash rollup out of a Cage Weapon X attempt. That only gets two for Mundo, but he grabs the chair and lands a shot straight to Cage’s dome for what the crowd buys into as a false finish, but which only gets 2.9. Mundo climbs the cage, perches at the top, celebrates a bit, then tries a corkscrew splash instead of simply climbing down and misses badly because he took way too long to launch. Taya is in for the save again; she climbs to the top of the cage and hits Cage with a successful crossbody, then helps Mundo drop Cage with an Au Revoir and piles onto Cage for a double-pin that only earns another 2.9.

 

• Well, I suppose that we have disposed of the cage being meant to keep people out. This is now effectively a handicap match. Taya, who much like a Boy Scout is always prepared, pulls a pair of handcuffs out of her boot. Striker intones in a somewhat lascivious voice, “my kinda girl” as she does, and don’t make me bring back Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker, you weirdo; no one needs to know about your bedroom proclivities but you and the person/people you are having consensual relations with. The point is that Taya and Mundo try to handcuff Cage to the ropes, but Cage kicks Mundo away and then cuffs Taya instead. Mundo tries to hit Cage with the chair from behind, but Cage moves, and Taya eats the blow. Cage then hits Mundo with a standing spinebuster, retrieves the chair, and hits a Fenix-like Fire Driver that plants Mundo’s crown directly on the chair for the clear three count (and the third medallion).

 

• Hmmm, that was the perfect example of a match that didn’t live up to my expectations, but that was obviously quite good from an objective standpoint. It especially executed the “babyface is hit with weapon by heel, but finally gets possession of the weapon and eventually gets the heel back by using it on them” trope well. And it did so twice, once with the kendo stick and then again with the chair. Taya was also an especially pesky second for Mundo and performed fantastically in that role. She has been so crucial to getting Mundo's heel turn over and should get tons of credit for it. Cage hit some good, crunchy impact spots in there as well. This would not come close to being my favorite match of the season, but if someone else told me that it was their favorite or close to it, I would completely understand.

 

• It's an all-wrestling night tonight, I suppose: Melissa Santos begins the introductions for the LU Trios Tag Team Championship Elimination Fatal Fourway Match (whew!), but suddenly, Dario rushes out of his office and interrupts her. He declares that he has “breaking news,” which is that Angelico has “had an unfortunate accident” and is at the hospital. OK, stopping here to see how Angelico got legit injured. I’m seeing “broke his leg in a motorbike accident” on Reddit posts from nine years ago. Ouch. Anyway, Dario says that Son of Havoc and Ivelisse will have to defend their trios titles without him in this match. This pretty much guarantees a title change, right? And since the singles title is on a heel, maybe we should contrast that by putting the trios tag titles on the uninjured team of white meat babyfaces who rule? Yeah? Could I please just have that?

 

• So, our teams are Rey Fenix, Jack Evans, and P.J. Black; two-thirds of Dysfunction Junction (Son of Havoc and Ivelisse); Officer Cortez Castro Reyes, Officer Joey Ryan, and regular civilian just trying to get by Mister Cisco; and finally the white meat babyface team themselves, Rey Misterio Jr., El Dragon Azteca Jr., and Prince Puma. Striker does a nice job of reviewing Rey's tag team success by mentioning a bunch of the guys whom Rey has been a tag or trios champion with: Billy Kidman, Konnan, Edge, Rob Van Dam, Eddie Guerrero, Batista, Octagón, and Super Muñeco. He left out Juventud Guerrera and Rey Misterio Sr., but that’s a pretty good list even so! The Kidman/Misterio tag team didn’t get pushed consistently enough, by the way. They were crazy over as tag team champs in 1999. Just another Kevin Nash fuck up as head booker. But let me stop talking about WCW booking fuckups in 1999 (again). Let us instead focus on 2016 and attempt to manifest Rey Misterio Jr., Lucha Underground trios champion.

 

• So, if you read what I write about wrestling, you know that this isn’t my kind of match, at least to start, and that it won’t be my kind of match until it gets down to two teams. Each team has a member in the ring at the same time, and legal tags must be made. I think if they had done a tornado tag with four teams, that would have worked better, or of course, if they had just done a three-on-three tournament with all traditional matches and just put the champs in the tourney from the jump.

 

• Vampiro sees Cisco and Cortez Castro trade tags and once again wonders what ever happened to Baby Jane Bael. Dario, Cortez, Cisco, and the LAPD all know (the latter via their planted officer Cortez, of course), but poor Vampiro hasn’t been invited into the catacombs of the Temple yet. I suspect that Vampiro asks about Bael because with his connection to the darkness, he suspects that something fishy happened to him. I presume he senses it somehow. He just can’t know for sure.

 

• I’ve talked about Vampiro and Bael instead of the contrived spots and somewhat disjointed bout and the unnecessary “Joey Ryan sluts it up on an uninterested Ivelisse and then goozles her when she indicates her lack of interest with a slap” stuff. Cortez hops in the ring and hits her with a brainbuster, but when Ryan demands to be tagged in so that he can abuse Ivelisse as she’s laid out, it gives her time to recover; Cortez finally waves Ryan off after arguing with him and turns around into a small package that gets three and eliminates Cisco, Cortez, and Ryan.

 

• We’re down to three teams, which is an improvement! Havoc and Puma rid the ring of Evans and then go at it. Eventually, Evans gets back in there, beats up Ivelisse, and declares himself rather than Ivelisse THE BADDEST BITCH IN THE BUILDING because he’s just very good at this sort of goofy heeling where he will say things that make him sound like a doofus. I just wrote about Jim Cornette doing this in the monthly general thread. I love a heel who will stealth insult himself or his friends because his mouth runs faster than his brain. I don’t know if it’s still true now, but when I stopped regularly watching any type of modern wrestling probably about five years ago when the pandemic hit and NWA POWERRRRRRRR went on hiatus, the remnants of the cool heel trend that became popular in the late ‘90s were still a bit too prevalent for my taste. Even the wimpy heels tried to do cool shit sometimes. I prefer a chickenshit dingus heel who isn’t as smart as they think they are, dammit!

 

• Anyway, Ivelisse hits Evans with a sunset flip powerbomb in the center of the ring shortly after that, but Black boots her in the head and reverses the leverage in the pinfall; a woozy Evans gets a three count and eliminates the title holders without even really knowing what's happening at the moment. Who shall be the new champs after the final fall is decided?

 

• Now the real match begins; Azteca and Fenix have a nice rope-running exchange in which the rookie Azteca tries to roll underneath a charging Fenix, but Fenix simply stops and then double stomps him in the neck. Azteca gets him back on the next exchange, managing a headscissors into a pop-up tornado DDT that looks great. Vampiro calls it “a video game,” and it is, but it’s really fun Smackdown 2: Know Your Role-style stuff because there’s a nice contrast between the savvy vet and former LU champ Fenix and the hopeful rookie Azteca here; in fact, Azteca goes back to the well by again trying that Tornado DDT move and eats a superkick for not varying his attack.

 

• Puma and Evans tag in; Puma lays out Evans, hits a charging Black with a Go 2 Sleep, lands a 630 Senton Bomb on Black…and turns around, all fired up and excited, into a punt in the junk from Evans. Evans follows up by taking way too long to charge Puma in the corner, and Puma escapes and tags Misterio. Misterio goes off on everybody, 619s Black, and then headscissors Evans into 619 position before hitting it. Puma and Azteca pop in to cut off Black and start tossing each other around so they can complete RAD DOUBLE TEAM MOVES and STEREO SUICIDE DIVES because this team RULES and NO ONE CAN BEAT THEM and Misterio hits Evans with a split-legged moonsault for three and they are the NEW LU TRIOS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, LONG MAY THEY REIGN. I am not shocked that this match became very fun as soon as it got down to two teams and only wish that it had started that way as well.

 

• Seedy dojo interstitial: Our first and final interstitial of the show involved Dark Master Vampiro, whose persona seemed pretty well-suppressed on commentary tonight. I suppose after the show, he really let his hair down. Metaphorically, of course. Vampiro demands that Pentagón Jr. get up from his wheelchair. I sure wish I could buy that Penta legit had his back broken by Matanza in that not-very-brutal-seeming match they had a couple weeks ago, but I’ll roll with it because I dig these two. So, Penta tries to get up, but cannot. Vampiro motivates Penta with kind words of encouragement. No, wait, sorry, he pours hot wax from a candle on the guy while yelling GET UP at him over and over. How did I get that so wrong? Penta tries to get up again, falls to the floor, and is told that he is “weak” by Vampiro, who leaves a candle on the floor and walks out of the dojo. That candle fills the room with smoke that suggests some sort of pending conflagration or maybe some sort of mystical candle hijinx. Who the hell knows? But I can’t wait to find out.

 

• This was a solid wrestling-heavy show from LU. I didn’t rate either of the matches highly from a personal taste standpoint, but I think stepping back, they were both excellent matches that achieved all their goals and that got the crowd hyped, and I bet most people watching this episode would rate them higher than I do. This was a fun show, and critiquing how I think the matches would have been better laid out to serve my tastes in wrestling doesn’t change that. 4.25 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 15: “No Mas” or Bloody Roar

• Recap: Texano, Aerostar, and Cage have claimed three Aztec medallions; who shall claim the four remaining medallions and earn entry into the Gift of the Gods title match? Maybe Sexy Star or Willie Mack might, but then again, maybe they’re too busy feuding with the Martinez sibs to worry about it [Editor’s note: I was extremely wrong on that last one!].

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto is replacing the ceiling panels in his office when Catrina walks in for a meeting that’s actually planned between the two of them for once. Usually, she just teleports in for unplanned meetings-slash-verbal assaults. And sometimes physical assaults, come to think of it. They both think the particular monster that they each back is the best; Catrina wants Mil Muertes to get a rematch with Matanza Cueto for the LU Championship after the last match ended in a ceiling plunge that led to a no contest and to Dario fitting the replacement panels at the start of this interstitial, but Dario is disinterested in her demands or her threats. He thinks his cage key holds more power than her mystical Aztec stone. However, he believes in Matanza so much that he offers Mil a title match in a Grave Consequences bout next week. Well, since Fenix beat Mil in what Dario claims is Mil's “signature match” last season, I’m backing Matanza in this one. Dario decides to up the stakes by throwing a few more caskets into the bargain and calling the match “Graver Consequences.” Methinks that Mil is going oh-for-two in this match type. Catrina leaves, but not before saying that after next week, “there will be no question of who destroyed who.” Who destroyed whom, Catrina. Who destroyed whom.

 

• Marty “The Moth” Martinez will not stop trying to lick Melissa Santos’s hair while she tries to do her job. Alas, Dario does not have an HR division here in the temple, so Santos is forced to do her job in announcing Willie Mack as Marty’s opponent while shoving Marty’s hand away as he tries to caress her shoulder. I believe that I speak for everyone, even the people who don’t know any better, when I say that I would like Mack to hit Marty in the head with a cinderblock and then go all Filthy Animals and bury the Moth in the desert like he was Ric Flair. In fact, Rey Misterio Jr. is in this company, and he was in on that whole “bury Ric in the desert deal,” so Mack can go to him for advice. Now that I think further about it, Ric had just inappropriately sexually assaulted Kimberly Page in a hotel room (in storyline!) right before getting buried in the desert by the Animals, so I think the conclusion that I've come to is that Marty Martinez is basically Ric Flair but as a New Tens disgusting heel rather than a ‘90s woman-harassing babyface.

 

• Mack has just about had it with this sicko Marty, who tries to run from him when he gets in the ring but merely gets knocked to the floor so that he can eat a Mack plancha. Mack didn’t even take the time to slip off his ring jacket until after he got that move in on Marty. Back in the ring, Mack hits a vertical suplex, holds on, and lands a bridged Northern Lights for two. He then scores a release German. Suplexes rule. I already like this match. Marty laughs his way through the pain, then manages a counter-dropkick to gain a bit of control. He even scores an exploder suplex into the buckles for two.

 

• I’m not sure Marty is very good as a worker yet, as compelling and utterly deplorable as his character is. He goes to a chinlock that Mack works out of before landing a legdrop and a Mack Stunner. Marty wobbles to his feet; the crowd yells for another one, so Mack obliges them with an airplane spin into a TKO for three, DDP-style. Hey, I didn’t realize that match was for a medallion until the ref handed it over to Mack, so that’s awesome! Mack and Cage mixing it up in the eventual Gift of the Gods match sounds like fun.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Catrina sure loves making enemies; she next accosts King Cuerno at his locker and says that when Mil gets the title back, she’ll need someone to hold the Gift of the Gods belt as his protection, but since Cuerno sucks in her humble opinion, she’s going to have Siniestro de la Muerte do it instead. Why not simply back Siniestro and not try to piss off Cuerno in the bargain? I feel like once Dario came back into the Temple, Catrina started spiraling. This past handful of weeks is the first time all season that she hasn’t looked like an invulnerable master planner. Cuerno says he's going to hunt Siniestro tonight, apparently in a match for another one of the medallions. Cuerno sure hopes that Mil wins the title back so that he can hunt him down and take the LU belt from him next. He sniffs the air and declares that “the hunt is on” before leaving. Catrina sticks around and almost rips a locker out of the ground in what I would describe as “barely concealed frustration.” See? Spiraling.

 

• More seedy backstage interstitial-ing: Dario Cueto has called Sexy Star in for a meeting; he butters her up by saying that he respects her and dismisses the fact that they haven’t gotten along so well in the past. Really, he just wants to get in her business and also maybe trauma bond with her. He tells her the story of his mother abusing both he and Matanza and shows her the ceramic red bull that Matanza finally used to kill her. Black Lotus’s response was a dispassionate comment about how horrible that story was; Sexy Star, on the other hand, responds with certainty that she would also like to get a little revenge on Mariposa for long-suffered abuse. Dario gets excited because he senses the chance to inspire Star to violence, so he tells her that they’ll have a match tonight for an Aztec medallion and that it’ll be a “No Mas” Match, which is a phrase that I think sounds better and more definitive than “I Quit” mostly because of the legend of the infamous Roberto Duran/Sugar Ray Leonard fight.

 

• Dario implores Star to keep inflicting violence even after she makes Mariposa quit; he says that traumatizing Mariposa as much as Mariposa traumatized her is her ultimate goal even beyond the medallion itself. Star mechanically agrees with Dario’s point of view. She’s having an out-of-body experience right now, almost, like she’s disassociated from Dario’s little speech to her in that office. She leaves, and the look on Dario’s face is complex. He is excited about the impeding violence of that match, sure, but I think a small part of him actually does feel connected with Star because he feels that they share the same abuse story in some small way. It’san interesting facial expression.

 

• Our fifth Aztec medallion match pits Siniestro de la Muerte (w/Catrina) against King Cuerno. Cuerno has settled down into a “mid-to-upper midcarder who loses to the guys LU actually wants to push” role that I do not agree with and that I feel is a waste of his talent. Cuerno lands an early dropkick on Siniestro as I wonder why Siniestro simply doesn’t go straight to the Kano heart rip fatality. Maybe he needs to get Cuerno’s life bar down first. Cuerno beats the crap out of Mil’s disciple to start, ranas him to the floor, and signals for an Arrow From Hell…that is cut off by Catrina hopping onto the apron and clocking Cuerno in the back of the head with the mystical stone. Siniestro quickly follows with a springboard guillotine legdrop for three. I’m sorry, hold on a second: Siniestro is a crappy jobber in a trios team, levels up by killing his two partners via literally ripping their hearts out on camera, and then is…a crappy jobber as a singles who gets slaughtered for the whole match until Catrina saves him with a cheap shot? I’m going to trust LU that this portrayal is going somewhere because they’ve earned my trust and patience, but I don’t know, dear reader. I don’t know. Catrina gives Cuerno a Lick of Death and then hits him with the stone again.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Famous B. apparently managed to get Mascarita Sagrada to retain him as representation. B.’s first move: To get Sagrada a match on this show against one of the current Aztec medallion holders, and with the medallion on the line to boot. Sagrada is so excited that I simply don’t have the heart to find a way to reach through the screen and pass him a note that Brian Cage is probably going to kick the living shit out of him in a few minutes.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial once more: Chavo Guerrero Jr. walks into Dario Cueto’s office and angrily inquires why he hasn’t been booked in an Aztec medallion match. Dario, paraphrasing: U suck, LOL, you got hurt during an actual title match against Puma and lost both Aztec Warfare matches and you stink, so fuck off LOL. I hate to say it, Chavo, but he’s not wrong. Chavo declares that he will seize an opportunity and prove Dario wrong, but Dario simply rolls his eyes after Chavo heads off to do just that.

 

• Famous B. saves us from having to hear Melissa Santos do more ring announcing by cutting her off. He pimps his office number (that’s 4-2-3 GET FAME) and hands out a business card before introducing Mascarita Sagrada (w/Brenda). The crowd hasn’t seen B.’s commercials yet because this was taped before the season aired or they would have chanted along with B.’s recitation of his phone number. However, they loved his introduction of Sagrada so much that they started a FA-MOUS-B chant. On cue, Santos takes back over and announces – of course – that the man from the greater Fresno area (if I have his area code right) is on his way to the ring. I sure hope Brian Cage doesn’t hurt Sagrada too much. I give Sagrada a lot of credit; he uses his maneuverability to keep Cage off-kilter for longer than you’d guess. Ultimately, though, Sagrada tries a dive and gets caught and spun through the air with an F-5. At least Cage pins him immediately after that move and then checks on Sagrada after the bell. As Famous B. and Brenda enter the ring (B., to Cage: “Why you gotta do him like that?!”), Chavo Guerrero Jr. draws on the third of the three lessons that Uncle Eddie taught to him and steals Cage’s medallion from where it was placed in the corner of the ring while Cage and B. talk. He runs off with Cage in hot pursuit after B. points out to Cage that Chavo jacked him.

 

• We go right into the final bout, the No Mas Match between Mariposa Martinez and Sexy Star. I like the touch that Mariposa is announced as being from La Jolla as a reminder that her family is part of a wealthy tribe. This is going to be a long match for these two; we have seventeen minutes left on the video, and even with a post-main event seedy backstage interstitial, that means we’re probably getting a twelve-minute bout. Vampiro shouts out his former WCW World Tag Team Championship partner the Great Muta as Mariposa snaps off an elbowdrop in his style.

 

• Mariposa lands a boot choke, but can’t get Star to quit, and then loses control of the bout when Star runs away from her and eventually scores rolling triple verticals. Star works a half-crab, but Mariposa manages to wriggle her way out of it and then locks Star in an Indian Deathlock. I think it says something that at this point, there’s a dual MA-RI-PO-SA/SE-XY STAR chant and that it’s about 55/45 for Mariposa. If only someone better than Star were in Star’s position. I would love to swap Star for 2015 Bayley just so the happy, incorruptible Bayley could a) have way better matches than Star is capable of, and b) slowly become corrupted by Dario’s dark temple of violence.

 

• Alas, what I get is a weak series of chair spots outside the ring, though Star uses one chair to knock the point of another chair into Mariposa’s vagina. I definitely grabbed my balls in pain on that one. I can’t empathize entirely, but I can sympathize. Both women fight onto the stairs; Mariposa drags her up them by her hair, but can’t get Star to quit. They get to their feet and fight over the railing and onto the roof of the storage closet. Star climbs up some scaffolding from there, and Mariposa trails her; they end up in the catwalk. Sting is annoyed that they’ve invaded his resting spot while he’s having his coffee and threateningly points a bat at them. No, sorry, that didn’t happen, but it would have been amazing if it had.

 

• What does happen is that Mariposa chokes Star against the railing while Star swings her legs out over the crowd. Striker mentioned scaffold matches, and this certainly gives scaffold match vibes as they move around very carefully up there. Star has bladed at some point and is bleeding. I mean, they are trying to make this exciting, but it’s not very good. It’s just slow and semi-awkward. They climb down carefully; Marty Martinez creeps up on Star and kicks her in the gut, then grates her open cut against the railing. The Moth flaps his wings for only a few seconds before Willie Mack rushes out and beats the crap out of him. They fight on the floor while Mariposa and Star fight above them.

 

• OK, now the women are on the floor, where Mariposa traps Star in wheelbarrow position and smashes her into the side of the commentary desk, which was a cool spot. In desperation, Star kicks Mariposa in the gut, then grabs a trash can and banks it off Mariposa’s forehead. Star puts the can over Mariposa’s head and stomps it repeatedly. That series of spots gave the match the brutality it needed, but it’s probably too little and too late to save it.

 

• Back in the ring, Star flips out of a Vertebreaker attempt; Striker uses different nomenclature for that move, so I presume that Mariposa is calling it a Butterfly Effect, which is a cool name in all honesty. Mariposa still cuts Star off with a lariat, then tries another submission, but Star gets a huge pop by yelling FUCK YOU when ref Marty Elias asks her if she wants to quit. I give everyone in this match, and everyone who laid it out, a ton of credit. They really tried to get this feud over. Star uses the power of the F-bomb to power her way out, then punts Mariposa in the pum pum and locks on a naked rear choke that looks like it might win the match…until the Moth runs back out and attacks Star to break it, then licks some of Star’s blood. Mack rushes back out, hits the Moth with a Mack Stunner, and cheers Star on as she locks her opponent in a cross-arm breaker that coaxes a “no mas” from the trapped Mariposa. 

 

• Elias tries to get a blood-spattered Star to break the hold, so she does. I mean, she shoves him out of the ring and then puts it back on after she breaks it, but she does! She finally breaks it of her own volition and tosses Mariposa to the floor. If you’d just shown me a picture of a bloody Star after the match, I would have assumed that it was amazing. It wasn’t terrible, but it was absolutely not amazing. However, her friendship with Mack is wholesome as fuck. He hands her a medallion and hugs her. Now, that was nice. I like it when babyfaces are good friends, especially in this hellspawn of a Temple. But man, the crowd is chanting YOU DESERVE IT at Star as Mack hands her the medallion, so they went from 52/48 Mariposa to 100/0 Star by the end. I’m glad this all worked for them; I do wish that it worked for me. Bleeding babyface Bayley would have pulled this off.

 

• The interstitials were good, but there wasn’t one match above “decent” on a four-match card, which is a bummer for a company that has been pretty hot in terms of its in-ring production lately. 3.25 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 16: “Graver Consequences” or The Suffering: Ties that Bind

• Recap: Dysfunction Junction lost their titles to the superteam of Misterio, Puma, and Azteca that needs a snappy trios name to make it easier for me to write about them; Captain Vasquez has been warned away from her investigation of Dario Cueto and the goings-on in the Temple by Boyle Heights’s crooked City Councilman Delgado; Mil Muertes and Matanza Cueto went plunging together through Dario Cueto’s office roof the last time they hooked it up, so what will happen when they face one another again in Grave(r) Consequences tonight?!

 

• Seedy late-night bar interstitial: Dario Cueto has a clandestine meeting with Councilman Delgado. Dario apologizes for being late, but you see, he’s finding it challenging to run an underground fight ring. The unamused Delgado asks Dario if he’s ever tried running a city, which Dario concedes is a fair counterpoint. Dario pays off Delgado, who says, “My employer will be very pleased.” Dario tries to leave, but Delgado stops him, sits him back down, and even changes his drink order for him (from cerveza – yum! – to whiskey – yuck!). Well, that was rude! Actually, Delgado is just establishing himself as the guy in charge here because he’s laying down the law by leaking to Dario that Captain Vasquez is also trying to lay down the law on Dario, but with way more prison time involved.

 

• Delgado makes this overarching Temple plot incredibly spicy by a) informing Dario that he’s under investigation by the LAPD and b) suggesting that there is at least one, if not multiple moles in the Temple right now (much to Dario’s disbelief). Delgado is upset because the Temple is important to his mysterious employer, to the point that he’ll be stopping by once the Temple is properly prepared. Dario reacts with quite a bit of fear; Delgado indicates that the mysterious employer wants some blood by asking Dario if he thought Matanza was going to have all the fun smashing up dudes. All that news has a very nervous Dario tossing back that whiskey like he’s in the desert and has just found a pure water source.

 

• They had this conversation right in front of the bartender, who was listening in the whole time! Sloppy work from everyone involved here. You’re talking about a re-creation of an Aztec Temple in which illegal bloodsport happens and there are Aztec priestesses, Aztec gods in human form, and unlicensed sports agents running about, and you’re doing it right in front of the service? This show should have ended with the Temple getting busted and Dario getting arrested based on a tip from the bartender.

 

• OK, to the action in the Temple: Mister Cisco, Officer Cortez Castro Reyes, and Officer Joey Ryan are the former trios tag team that is now wrestling one another in a Triple Threat Match for the seventh and final Aztec medallion. These two cops are definitely getting outed as moles. I feel as though I vaguely remember Joey Ryan getting killed off, in fact. Reyes was doing an okay job nibbling around the edges in the Temple and slowly unpacking the mystery, but Vasquez is a dumbass and sent obvious moron Joey Ryan to infiltrate the Temple. Ryan, I should note, is quickly dispatched by Cortez and Cisco. He comes back in when Cortez and Cisco face off and shoves Cortez in the back. Cisco, locked up with Cortez, tumbles backward and through the ropes while Ryan rolls up Castro and cinches his shorts for a quick three count that practically ends the match as soon as it begins. Honestly, I didn’t want to watch a Triple Threat bout including these three wrestlers, so I’m fine with the quick finish.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Mil Muertes focuses his mind and soul while meditating in front of candles; Catrina walks up behind him and tells him (and us) that she has been waiting for this moment for “a hundred and ninety-seven years,” which is a “long time to be a prisoner of darkness.” Then, she encourages Mil to finish Matanza by once again reminding him that she saved him from his “mausoleum of stone and rubble” that he was trapped in as a child after the ’85 earthquake…and that she brought him back from the dead after Fenix buried him in the previous Grave Consequences Match (Season One, Show Nineteen).

 

• She’s basically gone all Nasir Jones, emphasizing that Mil owes her something. She demands victory and a chance to give Matanza a Lick of Death because apparently, if you are an Aztec priestess, licking the face of an Aztec god in human form makes you immortal. I am not making that up. She connected the Lick of Death to immortality. That got a rise out of me, but what got me to actually vocalize a “What the fuck?!” is that after Catrina leads Mil away, a figure steps out of the darkness…and it’s King Cuerno, who patiently stalked these two and now knows a whole lot of information that maybe it’s best for him not to know if Catrina and Mil have any hope of defeating Matanza and becoming LU Champ and also becoming fucking immortal, holy shit.

 

• Catrina is going to get punished for needlessly provoking Cuerno last week, and she deserves it. I wonder; did Dario find out that Cuerno was Catrina’s charge while he was gone and deliberately book Cuerno against Catrina’s new charge, Siniestro de la Muerte? You’d think so, but I don’t see any way that even Dario would have known enough about both Cuerno and Catrina’s past business relationship and Siniestro being the only remaining Disciple of Death/Catrina’s new protection plan for Mil to purposely book that match. I think the wily bastard just got lucky with the random booking of a medallion match last week, and Catrina threatening Cuerno and then basically defeating him by hitting him with her mystical stone sealed the deal. I can’t imagine that Catrina went to him and demanded that medallion match or we’d likely have just seen it as part of an interstitial. Wow, sometimes when you’re trying to run an Aztec god sacrifice and pro wrestling fight ring under the noses of the LAPD without being caught, you need a little luck, huh?

 

• All the narrative stuff on this show has been incredible. We go back to the ring, but I’m about ready to see Grave(r) Consequences and the result and aftermath of that whole deal. In any case, we get a Lucha Underground Trios Tag Team Championship bout where the challengers are Son of Havoc, Ivelisse, and their Angelico replacement partner Johnny Mundo (w/Taya Valkyrie, magnificent robe).

 

• AND HERE NOW ARE OUR CHAMPIONS, THE GREAT, THE HONORABLE, AND THE TRUE, THE TEAM OF REY MISTERIO JR., EL DRAGON AZTECA JR., AND PRINCE PUMA!

 

• Ivelisse and Taya start yapping at one another almost as soon as they’re in the same vicinity. Ivelisse pulls herself away and shakes hands with Azteca before engaging upon a solid sequence with him that he really works hard to make look crisp. They try dual kip-ups, and Ivelisse blows hers. One of LU’s big weaknesses is that its women’s wrestlers generally have mediocre athleticism, which means that the male-female exchanges are often super-exposed. Mariposa is a good athlete and Taya has displayed at the very least so far a borderline-great ability to bump, but this company needs more women in it who are natural athletes, or who at least have the sort of natural athleticism that fits with the house style.

 

• Anyway, Rey and Havoc tag in and work to a standoff, including a neat little spot where they both try kicks, catch one another’s legs, and then agree to let them go on the count of three. That was a pretty funny spot. Mundo and Puma tag in and revive their show-long rivalry; when Mundo backdrops Puma to the floor on a corner charge, Taya naturally jumps in and puts the boots to him, which draws Ivelisse over to argue with her again. Meanwhile, Mundo puts boots to Puma in the ring; he walks over to tag Ivelisse, but pulls his hand back and flicks her off instead. I bet that felt good in the moment, but he loses control of the match right after that.

 

• Azteca and Havoc tag in next; this match hasn’t really formed a good flow and has come off as a series of confrontations and standoffs rather than a competitive bout. Havoc takes control, then tags in Ivelisse (Mundo, reaching for a tag and being rebuffed: “Let me in!”). They double up on Azteca, but because they’re sort of freezing Mundo out at this point, he stands there on the apron and watches his team lose control of the match when Azteca makes a tag to Misterio.

 

• Somehow, Havoc doesn’t have much chemistry with Misterio. How do you not have chemistry with Misterio? He could walk me to a watchable two-snowflake match on the Meltzer scale. Ivelisse, who complained to Taya endlessly about Taya’s underhanded tactics, grabs Rey’s ankle on a rope run to block a 6-1-9 and then confronts him on the apron, which makes her a big ol’ hypocrite. Mundo tries a springboard kick to catch Rey unawares, but he ducks; Mundo kicks Ivelisse instead. The Team of Destiny (that’s it, that’s their name!) dispatches of Mundo on the floor, though Havoc has time to recover and attack. Rey still manages to headscissors Havoc into 6-1-9 position again, completes the move, and then tags in Puma so that Puma can drop a 630 Senton Bomb on Havoc for the victory.

 

• Mundo and Taya yap at Ivelisse after the match, and when Ivelisse goes over to check on Havoc, Taya jumps her and soupbones her, then smashes her head into the mat. What a strange match. It was more about the losing team and their various issues than it was about THE GREATEST TRIOS TAG TEAM OF ALL TIME, THE TEAM OF DESTINY retaining their gold in a hard-fought match. It wasn’t a good match, and I’m sort of over watching Son of Havoc and Ivelisse wrestle tag matches together, but it kept me engaged.

 

• It's main event time! Mil Muertes (w/Catrina) faces defending Lucha Underground Champion Matanza Cueto (w/Dario) in a Grave(r) Consequences Match. Place your opponent inside any one of the four elaborately decorated caskets at ringside, and you win the LU Championship, and also immortality or life force or who the fuck knows what. The presentation of this match rules with the wreaths of flowers with the wrestlers’ names on them and the spirits of the dead having a procession and all that. Casket matches are legit my favorite item-based stipulation match.

 

• Muertes starts the match by trying to choke the life out of Matanza, but Matanza slips behind him on a corner charge and hits a relief German, then tosses him right onto a casket at ringside. The lid bends inward. I remember seeing this match, though I don’t remember all the details. I do remember thinking that it ruled the world, though. Matanza puts two caskets side by side, but Catrina attacks by breaking a chair over his back. Matanza goozles her, but Mil hits a Pounce out of fucking nowhere and crashes Matanza into the ringside railing. This is so good already. This match started hot.

 

• When you’ve got a match between a resurrected being with the power of one of Fenix’s thousand rebirths within him and an Aztec god in human form, you get a lot of huge moves as both men revive quickly and do wild shit. This is a complete and total spotfest, but of the exact kind I like in which beefy dudes do power moves to one another at a consistent pace. Like, since I started typing this paragraph, here’s what’s happened: Matanza powerbombs Mil onto the top of a casket; Mil responds by hitting Matanza with a Flatliner onto three caskets lined up against one another. I mean, come on! There’s so much meat bumpin’ going on here.

 

• Mil brings a casket into the ring, and Dario panics and grabs Mil’s ankle. Mil goozles Daro, but gets saved by Matanza, who rushes in and clubs Mil, then lands a series of rolling gutwrenches. Does that stop Mil? Heck no! Mil flips out of the last gutwrench and then lands a right and a spear. He goes right to work on a hook holding the corner strut in place that Matanza had initially started loosening; he gets it loose, but Matanza takes it from him when he tries to swing it and clobbers him with it. Matanza is staggered, but he is able to rip at Mil’s mask – hey, just like Mil did to Fenix in this match last season – and then use the hook to drive it into Mil’s exposed temple.

 

• Matanza’s mistake is to take too much time to start moving acasket into place; a bloodied Mil gets back up and chokeslams Matanza into the casket. As Dario lifts his key to try and inspire Matanza to his feet, Mil grabs a coal miner’s glove made of metal out of a toolbox. This is ridiculous, and I mean that in only the best of ways. Mil punches Matanza in the face with it repeatedly until Matanza can get a forearm in to Mil’s junk. Matanza follows with a lariat to the base of Mil’s nec and then tosses the coffin lid in the ring to the floor, which means that this coffin is useless as a match-ender until it is reunited with its lid.

 

• Matanza shoves the coffin to the floor as well, but then goes to the fourth coffin, which has not yet been used, and shoves Mil inside. He tries to close the lid on him, but Mil blocks it and then punches through it, grabs Matanza’s jaw, and smashes it against the lid. I’m spent at this point. Mil is out here swinging the ring bell around now; Matanza goes down, and when Dario tries to use the key to raise him, Catrina slaps the shit out of him. Matanza has risen to his feet, however, and he clobbers Catrina in the back with a chair and then takes possession of her mystical Aztec stone. Matanza places the stone in a casket, then picks up an unconscious Catrina and buries her with it.

 

• Mil has made it to his feet, and his body language says that he’s both angry and also unsure of what happens now that Catrina has been destroyed. Mil hits a suicide dive on Matanza; Dario tries to revive him while Mil drags the fourth coffin into the ring. Matanza wobbles to his feet, gets in the ring, and charges, but Mil hits a powerslam and then puts Matanza in the casket. He tries to close the lid, but Matanza blocks it. Mil tries to throw a few punches, but Matanza throws a desperation punch of his own that catches Mil in the throat, then gets out of the coffin, closes the lid, and powerbombs Mil onto it. That doesn’t put Mil away, but Matanza swinging Mil around in a Wrath of the Gods that plants him right into the coffin does! Matanza closes the lid and the crowd actually reacts like a regular wrestling crowd and not a smart wrestling crowd; they rain down boos upon Dario and Matanza. That's how effective that finish was.

 

• Dario is feeling great about himself! Well, at least until he opens the lid of the coffin in which Catrina was buried because she pulled an Undertaker and disappeared entirely. Meanwhile, the hooded spirits of the dead once again cart a casket holding Mil Muertes out of the ring. And just as I wonder where King Cuerno comes into all this, we see at the very end that one of the spirits of the dead is actually Cuerno in disguise, probably planning to do something with Mil’s body and/or spirit.

 

• Seedy limousine with heavily tinted windows interstitial: That all was too damned much, but even after that, we get a nervous Councilman Delgado awaiting a meeting with his boss. Delgado enters the limo and hands over the bribe money he collected from Dario earlier. The driver rolls up the window and kills the lights, which freaks Delgado out a little bit. He then tells of his meeting with Dario and notes, “I’m afraid [that Dario] is starting to believe that his brother just might be the most powerful person walking the earth.” Of course, Delgado says that’s not true “because you are, my lord.” His lord, sitting across from him, lights a cigarette in the darkness, but of course, we do not see their face.

 

• I mean, between all the interstitials and the main event, it’s obvious what this is going to score on my scale, imperfections be damned. 5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[Curt McGirt]

I'd really like to see the Matanza/Mil match again, hint hint

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 17: “Crime and Punishment” or Does Brian Cage Have Just Cause?

• I’m looking ahead for the first time all season, and we are frighteningly close to Ultima Lucha Dos. This season has only 26 episodes rather than the 39 that the first season had, and Ultima Lucha Dos appears to take place over three shows this season rather than two as in the first season. I didn’t realize that we were on such a downslope.

 

• In general, the numbers of episodes per season are inconsistent. I looked it up out of curiosity, and seasons uno through quatro have these varying episode counts: 39/26/40/22. Strange.  

 

• Recap: Now that all the ancient Aztec medallions have been claimed by seven different wrestlers, it is time for another Gift of the Gods title belt match. We see clips of all the medallions being won (winners: Texano, Aerostar, Cage, Mack, Siniestro, Sexy Star, Joey Ryan) or stolen (Chavo Jr. from Cage). We are also reminded that Matanza crippled Pentagón Jr.; I wonder if Vampiro has gotten that dude walking again. Maybe he has, if Penta’s inclusion in this recap is any sign!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto pulls bands of cash out of a bag in his office while the band plays for the Temple crowd outside. Brian Cage busts into the office and yells at Dario about Chavo having stolen his medallion. Dario doesn’t give a single solitary fuck about Cage’s problems, but notes that if Chavo inserts the medallion into the Gift of the Gods belt, he gains entry into the Gift of the Gods Match and not Cage. Cage decides to join Dario in the ring, where the latter is planning to invite everyone down to insert their medallions into the belt and officially gain entry into the match, to wait for Chavo's arrival.

 

• Dario and Cage leave the office and enter the ring, where the Gift of the Gods belt awaits Dario and the medallion holders. Dario yammers on about the medallions and the belt and the stipulations while Cage paces in the background, looking all antsy. The Gift of the Gods Match is tonight, but first, the entrants must place their medallions. Texano walks out and does so without incident, though he glares at Cage because he likes a challenge. Joey Ryan is next up, and I hope Cage will bash him over the head and take his medallion, but no dice.

 

• Dario pretends to get Siniestre de la Muerte mixed up with Siniestre’s (once again?) deceased buddies Barrio Negro and Trece as Siniestre enters to place his medallion. Striker says that Catrina is “inconspicuous by her absence” at Siniestre’s side, but I think he meant “conspicuous.” If she were inconspicuous, no one would notice that she wasn't here, right? Dario declares Siniestre to be “spooky,” but in a tone that makes me think he’s maybe being slightly condescending.

 

• Aerostar places his medallion next, followed by Willie Mack (Dario, as Mack enters: BABY MACK, BABY BABY MACK, BABY BABY MACK BABYYYYYY). Sexy Star makes it down the stairs as Dario goes full-on Spanish Vinnie Mac with his over the top ring announcing (LADIES AND GENTLEMEN – SEXY, SEXY, SEXY, SEXYYYYYYYYYY STARRRRRRRRR). He’s hilarious, honestly.

 

• Well, that makes for six people who have placed their medallions. That leaves only the seventh medallion. Chavo Guerrero Jr., who holds the bag that theoretically houses the medallion in his hand, slowly walks toward the ring. He holds a folding chair in his other hand, by the way. Chavo creeps toward the ring as Dario yells for them to FIGHT IT OUTTTTTTT. They do, mostly with Cage stomping the shit out of Chavo. Cage retrieves the medallion bag back and pulls out…a giant washer (of the type you would get at Lowe's to connect one piece of pipe to another piece of pipe, not of the type that you use to wash clothes). The big brute is confused; Chavo whacks Cage over the back with the chair and the medallion, which is taped to the back of it, falls onto the mat; Chavo retrieves it and places it in the Gift of the Gods belt. Dario declares Chavo the seventh and final entrant into the GotG bout before offering a more-than-slightly condescending, “Sorry, man!” to Cage as he re-enters his office. Cage says his catchphrase and then drops Chavo Jr. with a Weapon X, but that doesn’t really help him with his “now out of the GotG Match” problem, now does it?

 

• The first match tonight is a Fatal Fourway Match between Argenis, Daga, and – wait, hold on, Famous B. cuts Melissa Santos off to introduce his sole client and pimp the number of his sports agency. I know this man doesn’t have a law degree, but whatever. The point is that Fame introduces his client Mascarita Sagrada (w/Brenda), who is also in this match. The fourth contestant is Kobra Moon. I’m not a huge fan of having multiple multi-person matches to one fall on this show, honestly.

 

• We get the whole deal where two people lay around while two people wrestle in the ring. I would have rather just seen Kobra Moon vs. Mascarita Sagrada and Daga vs. Argenis. Kobra delights Vampiro by using Vamp’s signature Nail in the Coffin on Sagrada, which is a nice spot. Otherwise, this match is mediocre by its very layout. Why we can’t at least have one one-on-one match going on inside the ring and another wandering brawl happening outside the ring if you need to pair everyone off for long stretches, I don’t know.

 

• Argenis hits what I can only describe as a one-armed package piledriver on Sagrada, which looks sick. That was nice. But there aren’t enough KEWL MOVEZ~ in what is basically meant to be a KEWL MOVEZ~ exhibition. Daga does a stupid-looking Gory Special/Pendulum Backbreaker combo with Kobra in the Gory and Sagrada in the pendulum. It looks stupid because of how long it takes to set up. Someone would have wriggled away. I couldn’t buy the set-up time even in kayfabe. Whatever, folks, move it along in there. Let’s get to an interstitial or maybe even a decent trios tag or singles match. Striker is being pretty bad on commentary: Kobra lands a Fire Driver on Sagrada and Striker exclaims something about Sagrada’s “spine being driven out of his cornhole,” and that’s really only one example. It’s just past the middle of the season and Striker is tired. Someone let him take a nap so he can come back refreshed for the final eight episodes. Kobra then backs off and beckons Daga, who has watched this move happen, to take the pinfall for himself. Daga drops a cursory elbow on the prone Sagrada, wins the pinfall, and then backs away. His face shows a mixture of revulsion and interest in maybe hitting it while Kobra seductively crawls toward him, but revulsion wins out, and he leaves the ring. Not a good match!

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Killshot gears up at his locker, and turns around to be startled by the appearance of Marty “the Moth” Martinez, who mockingly salutes and parrots out a “Reporting for duty, SIR!” Marty is booked against Killshot, which is what Marty is here about. Marty cocks his left arm like it’s a gun, and because the producers of this show dig Tarantino, the sound of a shotgun cocking accompanies it. Anyway, these fellas get in a slapfight that Killshot easily wins; Killshot then puts the finger guns to Marty’s head and whispers “BANG” like the crappiest masked DDP cosplayer ever before walking away. The Moth is a weird sicko freak, so he just cackles and cackles and cackles some more as the continued degradation of his psyche is represented by a series of sudden camera cuts as he giggles maniacally.

 

• Marty “the Moth” Martinez has stopped laughing for long enough to come to the ring, and on the wide shot as he enters, we see Melissa Santos reactively cross her arms over her chest. Totally understandable! Marty continues to harass Santos just for fun because he’s that kind of guy. Well, Marty being a piece of shit does have me rooting for Killshot for once, so that’s something!

 

• OK, so Vampiro kills me over at the desk with another of his WCW references. Striker and/or Vampiro remember a dude from WCW: Striker describes Killshot as a cross between “Prince Puma and Angelico with a little bit of Colonel DeBeers thrown in.” Vampiro declares that Striker “lost [him] at Colonel DeBeers,” which is understandable since DeBeers was an apartheid-supporting Boer and Killshot is, you know, black. Striker then suggests a bunch of other military-themed wrestlers as a substitution for DeBeers: Sergeant Slaughter, Corporal Kirschner, Private Terry Daniels. Vampiro then suggests Major Gunns. It popped both Striker and me. The only funnier possible WCW mention from Vampiro would have been if he’d suggested Lieutenant Loco as a comparison, considering that Loco is actually in the Temple, the medallion-stealing bastard.

 

• Ah, but you were wondering about the match! It’s watchable. Most of what I’m enjoying while the action happens is Vampiro on commentary. After the commentators talk about Killshot’s PTSD leading into a sequence on the floor (Killshot boots Marty out there, tries a follow-up somersault plancha, gets caught and powerslammed on the mat), he suddenly blurts out, “I get confused, and I get scared…because I’m suffering from that myself, which is why I’m on medication, and I do apologize.”

 

• So, Striker responds in a way that I’ve seen dudes do to their friends when they try to play off a serious comment with a joke: “Yeah, but the trauma you’re suffering from is your own birth.” That was a bit too mean even out of the context of what Vampiro said, and Vampiro immediately checks Striker by being disgusted that his friend would say that sort of shit to him when he’s sick. We’ve all been there, fellas, having picked the wrong time (or had someone pick the wrong time to say to you) a mean joke that 95% of the time would get a joke back or get laughed off. Striker and Vampiro having a quintessentially male friendship on commentary continues to be one of my favorite things about this show. Striker should just apologize, but he tries to play it off. Man, you gotta read your buddy’s pain a bit better. I don’t know, this makes me miss having more male friends, if you want to know the truth. Most of my friends are women, who are great of course, but I do miss the friendships I had when I was younger with my male friends, which was mostly a lot of affectionate shit-talking formed around moments where we gave each other advice and talked each other up in the bad times (and the occasional mistimed shit-talk, yeah). I did not have Striker/Vampiro on commentary reminding me of my male college friends on my list of expectations before I started this thread, I can tell you that much!

 

• Fine, I’ll tell you about this perfectly mediocre wrestling match. Geez, I know you’re out there wondering about it, just thinking, When’s this dude going to stop with all of his thoughts about the nature of friendship and let me know more about the hot Lucha Underground action going on? Well, the Moth loses control in the ring after doing a snap mare and some finger guns; Killshot lands a rolling cutter for two, then boots Marty and goes up for a big move. The Moth is up and shoves Killshot onto the apron before the latter can launch, then tries a German suplex on the apron; Killshot blocks it while Vampiro praises the young fighter for his poise in a dangerous situation and ties it back into his military training.

 

• Killshot manages to maneuver up and under Marty, then hoists him up and drop him with a DVD onto the apron. The ref starts his ten count, and both men are slow to get up, but they both beat the count at nine. They trade strikes in the center of the ring, but Marty topples a charging Killshot with a lariat and scores a curb stomp for two. Marty traps Killshot in the corner and lands a couple of running back elbows, but when he tries to leap into a third one, Killshot catches him and hoists him up, then drops him with a cradle piledriver for three. That match was acceptable, though I did enjoy the commentary immensely.

 

• After the match, Marty attacks Killshot as Killshot crawls to the corner to retrieve his dogtags. Marty bashes Killshot into he railing at ringside, then swings him into the post before rolling him back in the ring. Killshot tries to regain his bearings while Marty steals Killshot’s dogtags and swings them in front of Killshot’s face. Killshot tries to retrieve them, but Marty hits him with a super curb stomp and taunts him.

 

• The Gift of the Gods Title Match pits our seven medallion-casher-in’ers against one another. In the order which Melissa Santos introduces them, they are: Texano, Joey Ryan, Willie Mack, Siniestro de la Muerte, Aerostar, Sexy Star, and Chavo Guerrero Jr. Texano is still mad at Chavo even though he beat the guy in their blow-off Bullrope Match earlier this season (Season Two, Show Eight), so he runs at Chavo, who bails, and Texano ends up getting dropkicked by Mack. Everyone trades moves, and look, I’m not super-interested in following this nonsense move-for-move. I’ll tell you all the spots that matter.

 

• Chavo and Ryan fight over who can be the most scummy, so Sexy Star and Willie Mack kick the shit out of them. Johnny Mundo and Taya are going to be feuding with Son of Havoc and Ivelisse based on the previous show’s events, but I’d much rather Mack and Star were in Havoc and Ivelisse’s place in that feud.

 

• Otherwise, there’s a lot of standing around while only a few people wrestle. Ryan tries to dive onto everyone else, but Star grabs him and tosses him to the mat, then completes the dive herself. I think the cool thing about the Gift of the Gods belt is that you can have someone who is absolutely not a title contender win it for shock value and then simply take it off of them later. They could put it on anyone in this match, and it would open up some interesting possibilities.

 

• This match sucks, so now I’m going to lament that we didn’t get a good Cage/Mack segment in this thing. We do get Mack and Star doing double-team moves, though. Mack and Star land a series of moves on Ryan before Chavo jumps them and then hits Ryan with a Frog Splash for only two before Mack breaks it up. Everyone except for Ryan surrounds Chavo, who is a dickhead, and decides to all hit their finishers on him. After they do that, Cage walks back out to the ring, where he stands over Chavo…and then attacks everyone else, steamrolling them. The crowd, which turned Cage babyface just by cheering for them, doesn’t know quite what they should be doing here. They’re bummed. I know everyone is theoretically tired from having wrestled a match, but the way Cage is destroying everyone, I think he might actually be able to beat Matanza, tired or not. Cage clears everyone else out, hits Joey Ryan with a Steiner Screwdriver, and then drags Chavo’s body on top of Ryan and watches the ref count the three. Chavo is your new Gift of the Gods title holder, and I’m sure that Cage is planning to be his first opponent for that belt. In fact, the bummed crowd, which claps to keep its spirits up, listens closely as Cage informs Chavo that Dario has booked them against one another in a GotG title match next week.

 

• Seedy dojo interstitial: Vampiro has Pentagón Jr. in a torture rack. No, not like Lex Luger’s submission finisher. I mean an actual torture rack. Penta hangs there while Vampiro smacks his back with a stick to rebuild Penta by breaking him some more. In between swats, Vampiro talks about how Ian Hodgkinson isn’t doing too hot at keeping Vamp suppressed with medication. I can report to you based on his commentary that he is absolutely not. Vamp then promises more pain for Penta until the latter gets up so that he can destroy Matanza Cueto. Since the regular stick didn’t work, Vampiro pulls one out that is wrapped in steel-tipped barbed wire. The beatings will continue until morale improves!

 

• As I’ve typed many a time before: They can’t all be winners. 2 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Edited August 28 by SirSmUgly

[Curt McGirt]

I watched Graver Consequences and it was pretty fun -- Ricky Banderas will punch you right in the face and you will like it! -- but I forgot how much ridiculous hyperbole emitted from Vamp and Striker's swamp holes. The shit coming out was just so stupid. And Dario is running around with that key, also stupid, but he totally owns it when he decides to get involved in the match and then celebrating at the end. Really, I thought he would be a wimp, but he took a pretty nasty spill off the apron for an untrained actor, and totally gives it his all. Some serious method acting! 

[SirSmUgly]

3 hours ago, Curt McGirt said:

I watched Graver Consequences and it was pretty fun -- Ricky Banderas will punch you right in the face and you will like it! -- but I forgot how much ridiculous hyperbole emitted from Vamp and Striker's swamp holes. The shit coming out was just so stupid. And Dario is running around with that key, also stupid, but he totally owns it when he decides to get involved in the match and then celebrating at the end. Really, I thought he would be a wimp, but he took a pretty nasty spill off the apron for an untrained actor, and totally gives it his all. Some serious method acting! 

Striker's got that hyperbolic WWE style combined with his Seth MacFarlane style of commentating in which making a reference counts as a punchline to him. I'm surprised at how open I've been to his work on this go-round because I remember hating both he and Vampiro on my first watch. 

I also think I've just mellowed out a bit and am able to find the enjoyment in things that I wouldn't have a decade or two ago (which it probably doesn't seem like when I get critical in a negative way in these reviews, but which I think is a quality that I've developed). 

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 18: “Enter the Mundo” or Rampage: Mundo Tour

• Recap: Captain Vasquez’s moronic officers Cortez Castro Reyes and Joey Ryan do the best they can to get something on Dario Cueto, but they are hopelessly overmatched. Meanwhile, we’ve had a couple of fresh titleholders over the last few weeks: The Team of Destiny are the trios tag champs and Chavo Guerrero Jr. is the Gift of the Gods title holder. I assume that both of those teams well might be in competition tonight based on this opening recap!

 

• Seedy dojo interstitial: Last week, we left off with Vampiro preparing to smash Pentagón Jr.’s broken back with a stick covered in barbed wire after a beating with a regular stick didn’t convince Penta to get up and start walking again. This week, we see that the stick covered in barbed wire must have worked because Penta is on his feet once more. Wow, do physical therapy professionals know about this one neat trick? Penta is ready for revenge on Matanza, but in a mirror of the situation from last season with El Dragon Azteca Sr.’s mentorship and training of Black Lotus, Vampiro tells Penta that he isn’t ready to leave the dojo and that he certainly isn’t ready to confront Matanza Cueto. Last season, when Lotus decided to leave anyway, Azteca Sr. stopped her after a short bit of test combat. Guess what happens this season when Penta decides to leave anyway!

 

• Penta breaks away from Vampiro’s grasp and claims that he has absolutely no fear, but Vampiro can sense that maybe he does. He once again insists that Penta is cooked the minute he steps back into the Temple. Penta contemplates Vampiro’s words as we snap to the title card.

 

• I note that Vampiro seems fairly suppressed by Ian Hodgkinson over at the desk, which is good! He sits next to Matt Striker and announces the Brian Cage/Chavo Guerrero Jr. Gift of the Gods title match for tonight. Then, he gets on his phone and starts tapping away furiously for some reason. That leaves Striker to announce the main event of the Team of Destiny defending the trios tag team championships against Rey Fenix, P.J. Black, and Jack Evans. Vampiro gets off his phone and passes it to Striker, who takes what seems to be a spam call from Famous B.’s automated machine.

 

• Famous B. himself is in the ring right now to take the mic from Melissa Santos and smoothly insert a business card in her hand instead; he introduces Mascarita Sagrada (w/Brenda) before Sagrada’s match against Joey Ryan. The crowd has heard the spiel enough to lightly chant along with 4-2-3 GET FAME. Ryan, of course, jumps Sagrada before B. can get done with his introduction. Sagrada makes a comeback and scores a nice suicide dive while Ryan is obsessed with putting a Blow Pop on his blow pop.

 

• Sagrada throws Ryan back in the ring, but he takes too long to go up top and gets caught. Ryan does a spot where he tries to give his dick-covered lollipop to Brenda, but Famous B. jumps in front and trades a business card for it. OK, moving along. Ryan attempts to press slam Sagrada, but the LAPD is apparently not doing fitness tests for its officers, so he can’t quite pull it off. Vampiro, talking about Ryan during this spot: “Brother, any time a hairy man with oil puts his hands on you like that, that’s kinda like a sexual assault, I think.” Boy, I wonder if the folks who put together LU’s TV Tropes page made sure to get enough material for the Harsher in Hindsight section.

 

• Ryan has to give up the press slam idea and instead go for a regular body slam. Then, of course, he gets picked up in a fireman’s carry position and forward slammed by Sagrada. Sagrada follows with a double stomp and a top-rope moonsault for 2.9. Sagrada crawls to Brenda and talks strategy with her while Famous B. gives referee Marty Elias a business card and Ryan hides a protector in his tights. Sagrada tries to kick Ryan in the balls and hurts his shin; Ryan celebrates and taunts B. and Brenda at ringside, then turns around into a small package for another 2.9. Alas, that’s about it for Sagrada; Ryan recovers, hits Sagrada with a tornado DDT, and picks up a pinfall. Commentary points out that B.’s representation has not bought Sagrada much success this season, and I have to note that a loss to Joey Ryan certainly represents a nadir in kayfabe.

 

• Hype video: Taya Valkyrie admires herself in the mirror, beats up masked mooks in a seedy yet classy martini bar while wearing a red dress, and meets Johnny Mundo outside so they can drive away.

 

• Seedy home den interstitial: King Cuerno monologues at Mil Muertes, whom Cuerno has apparently placed in formaldehyde and presented in a coffin with a glass case right next to all of the rest of his taxidermy and ram’s horn laps and mounted heads of bucks and all that stuff. Cuerno declares himself to be the true king of the jungle, but he didn’t even do anything! Matanza was the one who finished Mil off! Cuerno didn’t even help Matanza out one iota! Anyway, I wouldn’t be out here holding Mil’s body while Catrina was out there in the cosmos somewhere, doing some dark magicks in service of regaining her place in the Temple. This seems like a terrible idea on Cuerno’s part.

 

• I’m not sure how Chavo Guerrero Jr. is going to escape his Gift of the Gods title defense against Brian Cage. He’s probably cooked. Vampiro notes that Chavo looks pretty confident, though! Chavo had better have backup plans to his backup plans to look this confident. The bell rings, and Cage uses his forearms to beat the shit out of Chavo, so, uh, I’m not sure Chavo even had an actual plan at this point. Chavo gets on his bike and catches Cage as Cage chases him back into the ring, but he is barely hanging on. Cage double goozles him, and Chavo pokes Cage in the eyes, then tries a slingshot crossbody that Cage catches. Cage bashes Chavo into various standing items at ringside while still holding him in front slam position, then tosses him back in the ring and shoots him into the ropes, where Chavo manages to stop a tilt-a-whirl with a headscissors and shoot Cage to the floor. Chavo scores a desperation suicide dive, then rolls back in the ring and celebrates as Cage pursues.

 

• Cage crawls back onto the apron, and Chavo puts him in a front facelock and transitions into a hanging DDT for two. Chavo then grabs Cage by his legs, gets kicked away and monkey flipped, and has to score a dropkick to the knee to cut Cage off. Chavo goes up to the second rope and leaps off, but Cage catches him and hits a Finlay-style forward flipping slam. He tries to follow with a second-rope moonsault, but Chavo rolls out of the way and then scores a dropkick for two when Cage rises to his feet.

 

• This is a strong match, and what I like about it is that Chavo has all of his veteran wiles, but Cage is just too young, too strong, and too good. Cage doesn’t ever much seem in danger of being beaten even when Chavo is able to assert a period of control. Cage tosses Chavo onto the apron to counter a Chavo corner charge, then hits a vertical suplex to bring Chavo back into he ring while standing on the second rope. They work over to the opposite corner, where Chavo tries a leapover, but is caught and hit with an Alabama Slam for two. Cage looks for an F-5, but Chavo leaps out of it, ducks a Cage discus lariat, and hits the ropes, rebounding off of them with a tornado DDT for 2.8. Vampiro, who actually managed to find the words to give Chavo props for possessing a “warrior spirit” even though he dislikes every former WCW co-worker he had (with the exceptions of Rey Misterio Jr. and the Great Muta), now tees off on Chavo for taking some time to hype himself up after that near fall instead of being tenacious about following up with more offense. I mean, he has a point!

 

• In fact, Chavo, double underhooks Cage, gets reversed, flips forward to escape, and hits a rolling wheel kick that barely bothers Cage, who returns fire with a successful discus lariat that earns about 2.85. Cage parks Chavo up top and tries a superplex, but Chavo fires a few forearms at Cage’s gut to escape, manages to land a sunset flip powerbomb, and then quickly goes up top and lands a Frog Splash…for 2.9. Well, you did your best, Chavo. I respect it. Chavo dances Eddie-style and then attempts a Three Amigos, but on the third vertical, Cage blocks it and hits his double powerbomb to the mat and then the buckles before following up with a Steiner Screwdriver for three and for the Gift of the Gods title belt. That match was excellent, one of the best of the season!

 

• After the match, Cage grabs a mic and immediately cashes the GotG belt in for a Lucha Underground title match with Matanza Cueto next week. I sort of hoped that they’d run that match at Ultima Lucha, but I'm still excited for it!  

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Taya has a big surprise for Jack Evans and P.J. Black; she leads them to Fenix, who has been laid out. Evans is too dumb to understand what is happening and is upset for a brief second before Johnny Mundo steps forward and announces that he’ll be filling in for Fenix tonight. The heels are elated. Mundo kicks Fenix one more time before they go, and then everyone plays air guitar. And yes, actual guitar riffs play when they play air guitar. If any team other than the Team of Destiny were holding the trios tag titles, I’d back this annoying scumbag heel team to win them for chaos’s sake.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Joey Ryan goes through Dario Cueto’s desk. No, wait, that wasn’t descriptive enough. Joey Ryan ransacks Dario Cueto’s desk. There, that's it. Ryan’s fellow officer Reyes walks up and asks what exactly in fuck Ryan is doing with his haphazard search attempts, but Ryan says that he hasn’t gotten any evidence on Dario for months and that his rep around the precinct is about as bad as Reyes’s at this point. Yeah, we’re eighteen shows in, so that's four-and-a-half months of original air time. Apparently, when the LAPD sends undercover cops, they’re not sending their best. Ryan nervously presses Reyes to help him, and Reyes's dumb ass starts searching. Ryan finds Dario’s drawer full of money and, true to LAPD undercover cop form, skims a couple bundles off the top. His seizure of suspicious goods for personal use is interrupted by Mister Cisco, who probably heard them talking and popped his head in to see what’s going on. Here’s my question: Where the fuck is Black Lotus at? She usually stands guard at the other door that leads into the hallway. She should have heard this commotion long ago and popped her head in here.

 

• In a funny little bit, Cisco is upset that his buddies chose to rob Dario Cueto without inviting him, and he declares that he’s going to spite snitch to Dario. Now, we have Officer Joey Ryan in the room, so I’m sure you can guess what happens next, and honestly, I was readying the Permadeath Count for a ninth member, but Reyes catches Cisco before Ryan can shoot the guy. Reyes arrests Mister Cisco, whose full Christian name is apparently Francisco Garza, without putting about twenty bullets in his body. What restraint shown by an LAPD officer! Award him a commendation!

 

• Well, that was quite the interstitial! Now it’s time for main event action, and poor Melissa Santos is once again interrupted while ring announcing, this time by Taya Valkyrie. Taya informs Santos that actually, Fenix will not be representing his trios team in this match and that Johnny Mundo has taken his place alongside P.J. Black and Jack Evans. In the process, Taya turns out to be a much better ring announcer than Melissa is. Seriously, if she was ever on the shelf recovering from injury, they could have her do that job, and it’d be a big upgrade. Santos tries to re-establish herself by introducing the Team of Destiny (Rey Misterio Jr., El Dragon Azteca Jr., Prince Puma) with a bit of pep and verve, but no, Taya was still much better.

 

• Evans gets in there and gets rolled by Azteca to start. Evans thinks he’s smarter than he is, but he’s way dumber than Azteca, who outmaneuvers him at every turn, slaps the shit out of him in the corner, and recovers from rushing in and being dropped throat-first across the ropes by Evans (Evans, triumphantly: “That’s what intelligence looks like!”) to quickly land a leaping kick, fake a dive, and taunt that slowpoke Evans. That was a fun sequence! Also…

 

• On a thigh-slap scale where “least obvious” is Prince Puma, “most obvious” is Fenix, and dead in the middle is Alberto El Patrón, these thigh slaps score a(n)…Alberto, but the camera really helped Azteca hide them, so maybe it’s Alberto, but trending toward Fenix. I still very much enjoyed that sequence, though.

 

• Puma and Black enter the ring and they hit a spot that I love: On a rope run, Puma tries a front headstand into a headscissors, but Black blocks it, stands Puma upright, and kicks him right in the solar plexus. He even hides his thigh slap decently enough that the extra (if unnecessary) sound effect landed for me. Great spot. It looked like it hurt badly in real time even though playing it back, it was completely safe. The crowd let out an OHHH on that one.

 

• The heels hang Puma in the Tree of Woe position in their corner and then make quick tags, landing legal kicks and stomps leading to a two count from Black. Black tags in Mundo and they hit a HUGE double back bodydrop that Puma gets a ton of air on for two more. LU takes two flippy guys and have them wrestle one-on-one, and it usually isn’t engaging to me. LU takes six flippy guys and has them wrestle a trios match, and they’re practically all bangers.

 

• Puma finally manages to avoid a couple of Black and Evans team lariat attempts, then shoves Evans forward into Black, who instinctively front facelocks his partner. Puma then follows with a lariat to Black, who falls backwards and DDTs Evans at the same time. That is the type of contrived move that I buy because Black sold it like he just naturally would front facelock a guy coming at him with his head down and because they pulled the whole thing off smoothly. That allows Puma the room to get a hot tag to Misterio, who comes in and tees off on Mundo like it’s a random Smackdown episode from five years ago. That leads to the babyfaces making a few quick tags and punishing Mundo, culminating in a legdrop/standing moonsault combo and a Puma pinfall that only gets two.

 

• The complex spots in this match are all working for me. Puma next tries to launch an onrushing Azteca into a tornado DDT, but Mundo manages to catch Azteca in mid-swing, whip his legs around into Puma’s midsection, and then hits an overhead suplex that tosses Azteca into the stunned Puma. Cool reversal! Mundo makes the tag as he heels try to put Puma back in FIP jail. They all take their shots at Puma as the match breaks down; Rey hops into the ring and eventually ends up in electric chair position on Mundo’s back, where they somehow tumble to the floor together with Rey still ending up in that position. Striker mentioned Mundo’s core strength when he stopped Azteca's rotation in mid-DDT earlier, and that was a great point at which to mention it, but I think the best example of Mundo’s extraordinary core strength in this match is that he tumbled through the ropes and landed on his feet with Rey still in seated position on his shoulders. That was something of an insane strongman spot. I watched it back like three times. I didn’t expect Mundo to have the best strongman spot on this show, especially since Cage was also on this show.

 

• After Rey manages to wriggle out of seated position with a headscissors that sends Mundo bashing into the apron, Azteca completes a slingshot rana onto Mundo, and this match is extremely good. I hate to shit on Dysfunction Junction again, but the trios tag title division has been elevated in-ring by putting both them and the Disciples of the Dead out of focus.

 

• Puma and Evans trade flippy kicks in the corner while Azteca and Black attempt to strike one another, and the long and short of it is that Puma is able to kick Evans away and then hit a struggle rana on Black; Rey comes back in the ring and boots Black into 6-1-9 position, followed by Puma landing a 630 Senton Bomb for one, two…and Mundo yanking the ref out of the ring before the three count, which should be a DQ. Rey goes over to address the situation and ends up being invited to a Superkick Party by Mundo and Taya.

 

• Back in the ring, Puma is still legal, and though Azteca tries to help out, the heels kick him in the balls and then complete a double stomp/neckbreaker combo on Puma, then a ballshot/brainbuster combo on Puma, and finally, a Mundo End of the World on Puma. I am resigned to the babyfaces losing as replacement ref Rick Knox enters the ring, but Puma still manages to kick out of the cover at 2.9 even though the heels absolutely murked him. Mundo attempts to hit Puma with a super back suplex that Puma fights out of with back elbows; Mundo tries again and actually hoists Puma backward, but Puma manages to land on his feet and stumble backwards into a hot tag to Azteca.

 

• Azteca tries a rana, gets blocked by Mundo, but turns it into a sunset flip. Alas, Taya has drawn the referee’s attention by getting on the apron and wielding a chair, so the ref misses the visual three count. The ref also misses Jack Evans grabbing a chair of his own, hopping in the ring, and hitting Azteca in the back with it, then shifting the pinning predicament so that Mundo is on top. Taya drops off the apron, the ref is free to count, and Misterio is too late to make a save as the heels win the titles. Great match, and these scumbag heels are almost surely going to get their comeuppance at Ultima Lucha Dos, which I am interested to see, but maybe this match should have ended when Puma got hit by a ton of moves. I get it; Puma has the power of the jaguar (R.I.P, kayfabe Konnan) power of the puma coursing through his veins and Azteca is but a rookie, but still. LU trios matches often go on for like two or three minutes longer than is probably optimal. This was a fantastic match, though, and in fact, the last two matches on this show were two of the best all season. Putting together a list of five must-watch matches from this season of LU is going to be a real challenge for me with all these great candidates.

 

• Last week’s dip in quality was an obvious aberration. 4.5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

[SirSmUgly]

Season 2, Show 19: “Judgment Day” or Killer Instinct (for) Gold

• I want to see that Cage/Matanza match, so let’s do another one!

 

• Recap: Dysfunction Junction is injured and without any gold; how will their members recover? Meanwhile, we’ve had a couple of fresh titleholders over the last few weeks: The Scumbag Society Barthian Bastards (Mundo, Evans, and Black, and that’s what I’m calling them from here on out and I like the new name that suddenly popped into my head better) are the trios tag champs and Brian Cage is the Gift of the Gods title holder. Hold on, it feels like I’ve recently written a sentence like this in a recap…

 

• Matt Striker and Vampiro inform us about tonight’s card: The Team of Destiny gets a rematch with the Barthian Bastards for the Lucha Underground Trios Tag Team Championship; Brian Cage trades in his Gift of the Gods belt for a shot at Matanza Cueto’s Lucha Underground Championship.

 

• Son of Havoc wrestles our opener against Daga. They trade arm wringers to start (one escape reminds Vampiro of something that Dynamite Kid might do, and yeah, he was right to make the comparison) before everyone picks up the pace and Havoc sends Daga to the floor with a headscissors. The match goes outside and is watchable enough. Daga lands a kick, but gets posted and eats a planking elbowdrop before being rolled back into the ring, where Havoc tries a top rope move. Daga gets up to block it, but Havoc flips away, trips Daga, and scores a standing moonsault for two.

 

• Havoc next tries a whip to the corner, but Daga reverses it and stops short as Havoc overelaborates on a leapover attempt and lands a huge sitout facebuster that looks sort of Falcon Arrow-ish. Daga takes over from here and earns a couple of two counts (Daga, aggravated at the ref’s count: “Rapido!”) before trading standing strikes with Havoc and then transitioning into a half crab.

 

• Here comes Kobra Moon down the stairs, sporting quite the toothy grin on her face as she slinks toward the ring. In the ring, Havoc has made the ropes, but he eats a running uppercut and two boots to the chest. Daga charges Havoc, but Havoc flips to his feet and makes a comeback. This match is very boring, and I’m hoping that Kobra does something cool soon. She eventually makes her way over to Daga while he tries to avoid a charging Havoc attack in the corner, and come on fellas, let’s get to the finish, but no, Daga ends up eating a suicide dive at ringside at the end of this sequence. OK, finally! Havoc rolls Daga into the ring and goes up for an SSP, but Kobra grabs his foot and keeps him from launching; Daga is able to recover and hit a step-up kick without ever seeing that Kobra helped him out. Daga tries a superplex, but Havoc blocks it, lands a super front suplex, and manages to launch an SSP for three. That match was the LU equivalent of Brian Knobbs versus Bam Bam Bigelow on a random early 2000 Thunder in that it was a total snoozer.

 

• Kobra Moon checks on a woozy Daga after the match. He looks up to see who is touching him and shoves away his abhorrent admirer, but Kobra is a bit like the Moth in that she does not recognize the word “no.” Daga backs away from the ring, but I don’t think this particular rejection will be putting Kobra off.

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: Rey Misterio Jr. works out on the heavy bag when El Dragon Azteca Jr. walks up and angrily informs Misterio that he has located Matanza’s cell and that he’s going to enact revenge for the death of Azteca Sr. Rey calmly tells him to slow his roll and maybe focus on getting the trios tag titles back tonight, but Azteca Jr. is fairly apoplectic. Misterio tries to remind Azteca that his goal is not revenge – and it’s not; it’s to unite the seven Aztec tribes (Season Two, Show Four) – but Azteca pops off about Rey not even having been in constant enough contact with Azteca Sr. over the years to know what the goal really is.

 

• So, these two start throwing light hands at one another, but before it can go further, Prince Puma walks in and tells them that it’s time for their match. Misterio: “Get out.” Puma doesn’t take kindly to that command. Misterio has a hand on Puma’s shoulder, and when Puma notes that actually, whatever is going on here does concern him as a member of their trios team, and then he growls with all the ferocity of a North American jungle cat. Rey removes his hand and corrals the troops to go have their match, but I’m not entirely convinced that they’re all on the same page.

 

• Speaking of that match, the Team of Destiny enters as the challengers this week in their match against the new Lucha Underground Trios Tag Team Champions in the Barthian Bastards (w/Taya Valkyrie). Hey, is it odd that the Drago and Aerostar vs. Jack Evans and P.J. Black feud seemingly got dropped after Aztec Warfare Dos? I feel like that’s odd. Did someone on the babyface side get injured? Looking ahead, it seems like Drago and Aerostar become important to the plot again this season based on the episode titles, so that probably isn’t it.

 

• Misterio and Black open the bout; Black gets an early two count, but Rey quickly gains control and throws a ton of punches, something that he normally doesn’t do, but which he is clearly doing because he is agitated. He continues throwing punches in the corner and then in electric chair position on Black’s shoulders, but Black shrugs him off and punts him in the dick on the way down. The heels doing a billion dick punts is like the best thing ever. Their team finisher should be a Superkick Party to their opponent’s balls.

 

• Evans tags in and immediately starts yapping. He hits a standing moonsault (while standing on Rey’s ribcage), but only gets two and yells I SWEAR, NO REF CAN COUNT TO THREE HERE! Then, as Rey crawls toward his corner to make a tag, he moves to cut him off while yelling C’MON, REY! I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN before clubbing Misterio with a forearm and dragging him back to his team's corner. As he tags out, I make a snap decision to introduce a new feature here that I will go back and apply to Vampiro’s previous mention of Major Gunns as well.

 

• Striker and/or Vampiro remember a dude from WCW: Evans is wearing sunglasses and a bandana while he works tonight, and Striker notes that those accoutrements stay perfectly in place just like the cap and glasses that Super Calo used to wear when he wrestled. Vampiro, amused: “Now that’s a name from the past.” In fact, the heels are all wearing matching bandanas, though Mundo whips his off before locking Rey in a chinlock.

 

• Misterio works back to his feet and lands a counter DDT, then makes a hot tag to Puma. Puma meets the freshly tagged Evans with a dropkick, then dropkicks an interfering Black and lands a Northern Lights before rolling into a vertical suplex. Azteca and Puma knock Evans into seated position in the corner, and all three babyfaces land low dropkicks on Evans from all sides. Puma then initiates a suicide dive to the floor, but is cut off by a kick from Black, though Azteca then hits a running plancha over Puma and onto Mundo at ringside.

 

• Meanwhile, Black re-enters the ring only to dive out onto the mass of humanity already at ringside. Rey prepares to join them, but Evans dropkicks Misterio out of an Asai moonsault and then declares to the crowd that he’s got a better dive loaded up than Rey had. Evans goes up and, as you’d guess, is immediately kicked by Puma, who then superplexes him onto the other four guys at ringside. Talk about a trust fall.

 

• Puma and Azteca are first back to their feet; Puma tosses Evans back in the ring and preps a 630 Senton Bomb, but the other two heels get to their feet and yank Evans out of the way. Evans then goes back up and steals Puma’s finisher. As he is not the master of the move, it keeps Puma down for 2.9. Evans tries a handspring back elbow next, but Puma catches him and hits a modification of a Go 2 Sleep, striking with his boot rather than his knee.

 

• Both men are hurt, and both make tags to Azteca and Mundo respectively. Azteca has to fight off both Mundo and Black and uses his agility to get Mundo and Black to strike one another before running rings around Mundo and scoring a tornado DDT for a perfectly-timed 2.9. I don’t expect the heels to lose the titles just yet, so what do they have in store for the babyfaces? As I ask that question, Taya gets on the apron and distracts the ref so that Mundo can hit a mule kick that smashes Azteca - you guessed it - right in the testicles. Even Vampiro, a connoisseur of cheapie ball shots if there ever was one, complains that it’s been “about twenty times” at this point.

 

• Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker: “Marty Elias went to the Ed Hochuli School of Refereeing, and if you’re laughing at that, good for you.” I was going to let the Ed Hochuli reference pass even though Elias obviously didn’t go to that school because his guns are nowhere near as buff as Hochuli’s traditionally were, but it was the lampshading of potential laughter at the joke that isn’t funny that annoyed me enough to pop this segment in here. Anyway, the babyfaces are irate about all the ball shots, and in what I would describe as the biggest bullshit finish I’ve seen on this program in a while, an angry Puma kicks Mundo right in the balls in response…and gets DQ’d by Elias. All the things that happen in these matches that don’t get DQ’d, and this does? Fuck off, Lucha Underground. I honestly don’t know why they have DQs at all in this company. ECW pretty much got rid of them (Bill Alfonso’s rulebook-hawking heel ref gimmick aside) and was better off for it. LU is in that same boat.

 

• At the very least, the heels should have been disqualified last week by Rick Knox when he made it to the ring since he clearly was watching the match and knew to run out there to replace Marty Elias after the heels dragged him from the ring while he counted a pinfall attempt. Consistency, you fucks! Puma has lost his goddam mind and is so annoyed at the heels taunting him after the match that he superkicks Taya. Misterio and Azteca try to calm him down, but he even shoves them away as they try to hold him back, mostly because Jack Evans won’t shut the fuck up. I mean, I can’t blame him entirely. Who doesn’t want to throttle Jack Evans?

 

• Seedy backstage interstitial: El Dragon Azteca Jr. is all charged up when he makes his way right the hell back down to the basement to try and kill a caged, growling Matanza. Black Lotus stops him, and they have an exchange in which they disagree about who exactly killed Lotus’s parents. Lotus insists that Azteca Sr. did it and stops Azteca Jr. from attacking. Azteca Jr. leaves, but he is kinder than I would be in telling Lotus’s stupid ass that she should know better than to believe the lie that Dario fed her about Azteca Sr. being the one to kill her parents rather than Matanza.

 

• It's time for our main event, and huh, Striker and/or Vampiro remember a dude from WCW: Striker claims that Norman Smiley and Chris Kanyon trained Cage. Wasn't Cage a product of WWE’s developmental? Smiley’s worked there forever, yeah? Kanyon didn’t that I recall. Maybe Kanyon initially trained him before he went to WWE developmental? I might look this up later. Anyway, Cage cashes in his GotG belt, which will split up the medallions once more for retrieval, to face LU Champion Matanza Cueto (w/Dario Cueto).

 

• Cage is taller than Matanza by enough that I think it’s a mistake not to shoot this match so that you can’t tell as much. Both men hit each other with shoulderblocks for a minute, and no one really moves, so Cage appropriately uses his aerial ability to land a headscissors and a slingshot plancha to the floor. See? When you pick out when to leave your feet, it means more! Cage certainly leveled up this season; someone must have gotten in his ear and given him some good advice. Cage then hits a moonsault from the top to the floor, and yeah, it’s pretty rad!

 

• I know that Cage won’t be winning this, but boy, I sort of wish he was. He beats the absolute dogshit out of Matanza at ringside, capping it off with a powerbomb into the raised railing in front of the seats. Cage rips up the protective mat at ringside, but Matanza has recovered in that time and grabs Cage as he comes back over to attend to him, smashing his head into the raised railing and then hitting rolling gutwrenches on the side of the ring that still has protective mats covering the hard floor. Cage flips out of the third one and throws a number of beefy forearms and even a beefy uppercut but Matanza ducks a wild lariat from Cage and hits a release German on the floor.

 

• Season two of LU is basically proof that beefy guys wrestling one another while using mostly power moves with the occasional awe-inspiring high-risk dive is just about the best form of professional wrestling. They could perpetually run singles matches between some combo of Cage, Matanza, and Mil Muertes, and hell, throw Willie Mack in there too because he's big enough in this company, and I’d watch the hell out of it. Tall jacked dudes are fine, but I want to see dudes at least as wide as they are tall tossing each other around. As the saying that I just made up right now goes, If they don’t have a barrel chest, they’re not going to give you the very best.

 

• Man, does Dario Cueto look pressed. He yells at Matanza to just win this by count out and maybe escape this match with a win, but Matanza prefers to toss Cage in the ring and choke him with two hands before hammerfisting him. Matanza tries a flipping headbutt, but Cage counters it by lifting a knee to Matanza’s head as he lands. Cage quickly scores a swinging neckbreaker for two and then lands his own series of clubbing fists. Cage hits some clubbering, but when he tries to follow up, Matanza lands an overhead suplex to counter. He crawls over and earns two, then scores a deadlift fallaway pumphandle slam into a bridge for two more. Cool move!

 

• Matanza stalks Cage, who lands a jawbreaker and then a low dropkick. He looks for another, but Matanza pops up and hits a lariat, then chokes Cage before trying to gouge Cage’s eyes out. He switches it up with an Irish whip, but Cage kills it and slips through Matanza’s legs, then hits an inverted pumphandle suplex for two.

 

• We get a Superman/Doomsday spot in which both men club each other with lariats and stay standing before trying huge front kicks at the same time that knock each other down. Cage is up first, but Matanza slips out of fireman’s carry position on Cage’s shoulders. He grabs at Cage, who slips behind him and hits a release German that Matanza no-sells. Matanza hits a release German…that Cage no-sells. It rules. The crowd pops huge for it. They then proceed to trade release Germans, more slowly popping up after each one until Matanza swings Cage around before hitting a release German that finally keeps him from getting right back up. Matanza’s not exactly moving all that quickly himself after eating multiple release Germans right on the base of his neck, though.

 

• Man, Chavo Guerrero Jr. managing to press Cage in their match last week looks more and more kayfabe impressive considering how Cage has taken Matanza to the limit. Matanza slowly rolls over and covers Cage, but the ref is only able to count to two before Cage kicks out. Matanza shoots Cage in and tries a Wrath of the Gods, but Cage spins out of it and scores a discus lariat for two. Matanza rolls to the apron while Dario implores him not to fail the Cueto name; Cage follows and deadlift suplexes Matanza back into the ring, then goes up top. Dario screams for Matanza to LEVANTATE, but Matanza is unmoving as Cage drops a Savage Elbow for about 2.5.

 

• Cage’s face seems to indicate that he doesn’t quite know what to do next, but he’s still got arrows in his quiver. He hasn’t even attempted a Weapon X or a Steiner Screwdriver yet. Cage lands a running boot, but when he tries it again, Matanza grabs him and lands a swinging side slam; his cover only gets two. Matanza next sets Cage up in piledriver position, but Cage blocks it and scores an Alabama slam followed by a standing moonsault for two more. Cage decides that maybe it’s about over and signals to the crowd for one of his finishers. He grapples Matanza and flips him up and over to put him in Weapon X position, but Matanza uses the momentum to slip out of the back and pull Cage in for an overhead release belly-to-belly suplex.

 

• Matanza follows up with a sitout powerbomb, but that only earns two. The way that Matanza holds his body indicates that somewhere in the miasma of madness that he lives his life within, a flicker of recognition that Cage might be his match has registered. He grabs Cage once more and shoots him in, then tries another Wrath of the Gods, but Cage hangs on and counters into a small package for two. Cage is quickly up and scores an F-5, which I guess he calls a Lucha Destroyer if Striker is to be believed, but the pinfall attempt only gets two.

 

• Cage still has his two killer moves to try; he sets up for one of them as Dario implores Matanza to get to his feet and meet Cage’s challenge. Cage lands a series of kicks as Matanza turns around, but it only wobbles him, so he loads up for another discus lariat. He swings, Matanza ducks, and then Matanza grabs an off-balance Cage and quickly swings him around into a Wrath of the Gods for a three count, barely escaping with his title. This was interestingly booked because, again, Cage only tried one of his two killer moves at any point, and he never hit either of them. That was about as much of a slip on a banana peel as you can get out of a match like this. I don’t see any other realistic path forward than Cage finishing off Matanza at Ultima Lucha. I suppose that I'd buy Rey Misterio Jr. knocking Matanza off, actually, but that's the only exception. Great match, by the way. At this point in the season, there’s usually at least one every episode.

 

• This was a fine show, and with only seven more episodes remaining, it looks like we’re on a downhill slope in terms of storyline progression, which is exciting. As for the score of this show, I'm docking it a quarter chant for the shitty finish to the second match. 4 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Edited August 28 by SirSmUgly