SirSmUgly

Interestingly, we found out via his WCW run that Roddy Piper was so interested in the art of drag as to be completely obsessed by it. That's...uh...something, I suppose.

Season 1, Show 15: “Eye For An Eye,” or Hato-Mil Boyfriend If we’re getting a bunch of the same type of high-flyer match on this show, then I hope this episode talks more than it wrestles. Save us, Mil Muertes! Recap: Big Ryck, Mil Muertes, Black Lotus, and Texano are all on the warpath. We go right to the ring with Mil Muertes, notably stalking out here alone. I initially think poor Chavo’s gonna get killed, but that’s not the match's story. The story is that Mil seems to be somewhat lost or weakened without Catrina at his side. Chavo is a tricky guy, attempting to use the ring and his own guile to avoid an ass kicking, and he’s able to send Mil to the floor or snack his neck over the ropes through strategy, his array of attacks can’t put away an advancing Muertes. In a nice spot, Chavo dropkicks Mil’s leg and then has a long struggle spot with Mil trying to drag him by his leg to the post, indicating how much otherworldly strength Mil has. Chavo tries to pull Mil up, but gets goozled and punched. Guerrero responds by yanking Mil’s tights, sending him to ringside. I dig Chavo pulling every old vet’s trick he’s ever learned to keep from getting slaughtered in this match. So, Catrina decides to make her appearance at ringside, which is when Mil, who doesn’t even see her, wakes up and counters Chavo. Vampiro has noted multiple times on color that Chavo has so far been able to hang with Mil and emphasizes how rare that is and how off Mil seems. However, this is where Mil’s physical vulnerability stops because Catrina (w/her mystical stone) has arrived. Chavo does manage to elbow his way out of a Flatliner attempt, but he rushes Mil and gets sent to the floor, and it is only at this point where Muertes spots Catrina and the mystical stone of power that she wields. I’m going to stop here and go on a small sidebar that I think explains what I love about both this match and what I find the most appealing about Lucha Underground. When I was a kid and the Undertaker debuted in the WWF, he was a babyface in my house because he was so dominating and mysterious. As goofy as it was, what with Paul Bearer wielding an urn that had some sort of mystical power attached to it which made the Undertaker nigh invulnerable when the urn was nearby (and weakened and able to be beaten when it was stolen or lost), I was incredibly into it,as were many of us young WWF watchers. I recall that R.D. Reynolds is a guy who says that the Undertaker gimmick should never have worked. He is obviously wrong here (as he is in most things about pro wrestling) because if you have the proper setting for this sort of gimmick, it’s actually an easy one to get over because of all the intrigue and mystery behind the character and because fans typically love a spectral mindless asskicker gimmick. The most instructive bit of proof that Reynolds is wrong about the Undertaker gimmick being some uniquely successful gimmick is this Mil Muertes and Catrina gimmick, which basically trades a funny, high-pitched manager for a sultry, extremely physically attractive one and a mysterious urn for a mysterious stone. This sort of gimmick is money even though it can only thrive under specific conditions – say the equivalent of a Saturday morning cartoon as early ‘90s WWF was, or the equivalent of Dark Shadows (but more sinister than the original show) as LU is. Anyway, Mil's attention is drawn by the power of the stone, so he doesn’t see Chavo retrieve a chair and whack him with it, but the stone has given Mil the power to ignore the impact. He knocks the chair away, clobbers Chavo, and drops Chavo with a Flatliner onto the chair. Mil turns to Catrina and demands that she give Chavo a lick of death. She doesn’t like taking orders, so Mil grabs her by her head and tries to force her to give Chavo the lick. Catrina breaks away and glares at him defiantly, so Mil goozles her and puts her into Flatliner position…which is when Rey Fenix rushes out to make the save and helps Catrina make her escape. That’s how they drew this guy in, huh? That is some elaborate heel planning, teasing a whole violent breakup to finally spur good guy Fenix into further action against Mil. It’s almost needless to say that I loved this. I am here for the fucked up dark soap opera first and the wrestling second, and preferably the wrestling that I see is tied directly into advancing or building the fucked up dark soap opera. Speaking of fucked up dark soap opera, Catrina raises the stone, then sticks her tongue down Fenix’s throat while keeping one eye squarely focused on a heated Mil in the ring. I mean, as far as elaborate heel ruses to sucker a babyface in go, this was top-level. This was Ric Flair engineering a whole feud with Arn Anderson so that he could ruin Sting’s life (again) in 1995. Seedy backstage interstitial: I feel like Dave Batista because all I could think is GIMME WHAT I WANT as we happily get more plot, with Black Lotus trying to pick the lock of a door. She gains admittance and…oh shit, she starts walking down stairs that look like they might lead to holding cells. GIMME WHAT I WANT Seedy backstage interstitial: We get a shot of Dario Cueto, with the large key he's wearing that holds Matanza Cueto in his cell getting a close up shot all its own. Dario is talking to, as we find out when the camera pulls back, his flunkies. They now have a name based on their shirts: The Crew. I’ll call ‘em Dario’s Crew since they actually do win matches now. Dario lauds them for their recent victories and offers them a main event match as a reward. However, he notes that to stay in the main event, they need to prove that they can consistently put people out like they did Big Ryck. Dario wants the Temple’s fan favorite underdogs destroyed next: Sexy Star, Mascarita Sagrada, and Pimpinella Escarlata. “Your only job,” Dario snarls, “[is to] hurt them so bad that they never come back.” What a dick! An impatient-looking Ivelisse is in the ring, standing next to her hapless boyfriend Son of Havoc. Ivelisse takes a mic and basically tells Havoc that he sucks so bad that even though he was supposed to rematch with Angelico this week, she’s going to step in and take care of Angelico for his sorry ass. Vampiro wonders if Havoc knows that his girlfriend is “a bitch.” Uh, Ivelisse calls herself “the baddest bitch in the Temple” every time she speaks, so I think he’s aware since she uses that label for herself. Angelico, meanwhile, doesn’t want to fight a girl, but he’s a babyface, so it’s noble unlike when Son of Havoc didn’t want to fight Sexy Star, when it was sexist. Then again, Striker is right to call Angelico’s dodging and unserious counters “smarmy arrogance.” This is the Temple; homie had better start fighting. Finally, Angelico presses Ivelisse way into the air as she builds on a few kicks, which draws Havoc onto the apron. Havoc kicks Angelica in the head. Angelico stumbles backward and trips over Ivelisse, who immediately rolls the guy up for three. Of course. Ivelisse thinks she somehow won this with no help, but then again, Havoc couldn’t win with her help, so I suppose she has a right to celebrate. Angelico grabs a mic after the match and offers a double entendre masquerading as a challenge: “Ivelisse, if you ever wanna go one-on-one with me without your boyfriend around, it’d be my pleasure.” Then he shoves Havoc to the floor. This was a silly angle-building match, but it was supposed to be silly, and it did its job well. I found that Havoc came off kind of like a quasi-babyface, supporting his unappreciative lady and helping her beat this cocky Boer dipshit. Texano enters the ring to get a victory over Super Fly and establish his LU bonafides. But before then, aw yeah, it’s time for… Adventures in Interviewing with Vampiro: Vampiro bigs Texano up, but when he calls Texano EX-champion, that sets Texano off. We see some video of Texano rolling dudes in AAA matches as well as shots of Alberto El Patrón finally defeating him for the AAA Mega Championship. Vampiro is bilingual in the language of talking shit: “You heard it here. Big talk. Let’s see if you can deliver.” Texano doesn’t shake Vampiro’s hand after that comment. Interviewer Vampiro is genuinely entertaining to me. Commentary Vampiro? Much more hit and miss. Back to the ring, and lets just say that I don’t like the opening exchange and standoff. You know why at this point. Texano looks like a fairly built dude and I’m hoping for more power stuff from him, but mostly he works a bland squash match, landing an okay leg lariat and an overelaborated neckbreaker combo for the finish. Alberto comes to the ring and hooks it up with Texano, who initially uses trickery to get an advantage before reversing a whip into the guardrail and then using a whip of another type – Texano’s own bullwhip – to gain a measure of revenge for Texano’s whipping him the previous week. Security finally backs Alberto off, which is weird; wouldn’t Dario want more violence, not less? Why would he send security out here? I suppose he must not like Alberto very much and would prefer the violence to be committed by his favored fellow heels. Seedy backstage interstitial: Brian Cage bursts into Dario Cueto’s office while Dario jots down maybe instructions or a schedule based on his big desk calendar. I pause the video to see if there are any clues, but I’m not sure if this means anything. He’s written Tactus Dhurm (?) on the pad, followed by a series of times and days and a full name, first name being Adam and last name being illegible to me. We’ll see if any of this means anything later; I assume it might be simply because they went out of their way to have a shot of his actual notebook here. Anyway, Cage wants to be declared LU Champion since he’s got the gold and has put Puma out of the Temple and defeated Mundo. Dario correctly points out that Cage lost his title match against Puma by DQ, but offers Cage a non-title match against Puma next week. If he wins that, Dario says, he can have a proper title match against Puma once more. Cage agrees, but tosses the, in his words, “Aztec piece of crap” belt that he tore apart at Dario and demands a “real” belt once he beats Puma for the title. I feel like Cage added an unspoken “American” after the word “real” in that request. Cage is so unlikeable that he’s made Dario the relative babyface in their relationship. Cage leaves without shutting Dario’s office door – see, I told you, the guy is maybe the worst heel on this roster – which means that Chavo Guerrero Jr. can storm right in and quit Lucha Underground. I think in kayfabe, Dario is upset that Cage is outheeling him. No one will be a bigger heel than he is in his own Temple, dammit! Dario reasserts his top heel nature by accepting Chavo’s resignation with these words: “Well Chavo, I wish you the best in your future endeavors.” Chavo reacts accordingly. By the way, if you’re going to slyly mention the WWE, doing it like this with a wink and a nod is much preferred. Chavo storms out as Dario lets him know that he’s always welcome back. If this is it for Chavo in LU, I’ll miss the guy working matches, honestly. He still had it at this point in his career. Top fifty worker IMO, top seventy-five at worst. Dario finally is able to return his attention to the torn LU Championship that Cage tossed at him; he mutters, “The gods are not going to be happy about this.” I would love to see the Aztec Gods wreak their vengeance on that doofus Cage. More seedy backstage interstitial: Black Lotus has discovered the cell in which Matanza Cueto is held. Lotus is pleased with her sneaking, her sleuthing, and her success in locating her target. She triumphantly addresses Matanza like so: “When I was a little girl, the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was to be the woman who killed you with her bare hands.” Damn, that’s a cold line! These storylines are all great, especially as we dig deeper into the mystical weirdness underlying what seems like a typical underground pro wrestling company. The main event pits Dario’s Crew against Sexy Star, Mascarita Sagrada, and Pimpinella Escarlata. Dario’s heelishness extending to women, dwarves, and men who don’t fit his idea of masculinity is about right. He’s still the biggest heel in the company no matter how racist and xenophobic Brian Cage is toward him. Pimpi smooches Cortez, but Pimpi is maybe unaware of the sort of match he’s in and is immediately brutally caned and choked out by Cortez in response. This is a no DQ tornado tag, by the way, and the babyfaces getting murked has sort of bummed out this crowd, but it’s made me want to see Big Ryck walk out here and help them kill these guys. Meanwhile, Mascarita Sagrada is an insane athlete for a guy in his forties (I think) at the time. Pimpi is helped to the back by a couple of medics, so Star and Sagrada are left at a one-person disadvantage. The Crew sets up Sagrada for a curb stomp onto a chair. The chair definitely makes it look (and sound) better, but Bael’s curb stomp is definitely still pretty shitty-looking. Anyway, Star is left all alone so that, *sigh*, we can get the Crew stalking her, which is not why I’m sighing. Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker: “What’s Mr. Cisco doing? He’s checking Sexy out. And they call me misogynistic and sexist, come on now.” Who is this “they” and what exactly did you do or say to get called these things, Striker? I don’t have this problem and can’t relate. He earlier offhandedly said that he wasn’t going to go on about this “women’s empowerment thing” that LU is doing while Ivelisse was wrestling, which I let pass, but to be real, this man is a menace on the mic. And not in a good way. What if Striker just said a bit less than he usually does? He’d be passable if he were capable of that, but then again, he’d also probably still be announcing for WWE if he were capable of that. Meanwhile, Star does a pretty good job of fighting everyone off and even scores a struggle top-rope rana for 2.9 in a nice hope spot. Alas, the Crew reconvenes and then stomps her out. That is point at which Big Ryck (w/eye patch) walks to the ring to confront his former flunkies. The distraction allows Star to sneak a rollup on Cortez for three; Dario’s Crew scatters rather than enter a physical confrontation with Ryck. LU is better when it talks. LU is better when it talks. LU is better when it talks. LU is better…4 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Yeah, I don't think that's political. It's just factual. I honestly had mindwiped Alberto's existence from my mind until I saw him here and remembered that vague stuff. Then I went to his Wikipedia page. Yeesh.

I unironically love this idea.

Sounds a lot like Hacksaw Duggan in WCW. (For the most part; his lack of effort made the times when he tried, like when he got mauled by heel Goldberg, all the more striking.)

Season 1, Show 14: “Open Mic Night,” or Caution: Patrónman Recap: Dario’s machinations become ever more desperate. Mil Muertes has a little something for Chavo Jr., but he (and Catrina) currently distracted by Rey Fenix. Johnny Mundo is King Cuerno’s next target. And of course, Alberto El Patrón has made his arrival. We pick up with Alberto coming back to Dario’s office for another meeting this week. Dario likes Alberto’s style; Alberto likes that big key Dario has and wonders what it might unlock, though Dario pretends that he didn’t even hear that last part. Alberto has a request for Dario, which is the purpose of this meeting. Dario is initially reluctant to grant requests when they don’t lead directly to violence, but Alberto promises to unleash violence in general and when making requests in the future, and Dario acquiesces…though we don’t actually get to hear what Alberto wants from him. Yet. Striker and Vampiro hype El Patrón getting an open mic and act like Alberto’s going to be all controversial and shit. Let me guess: He talks about being held back by politics in WWE? I hope I’m wrong about that. It’s técnico vs. técnico in tonight’s opener as Fenix wrestles Argenes. I’m not interested in the match, so let’s just get to the post-match fuckery that I’m interested in. Argenes does kick Fenix low on a Fenix leapover attempt, which is a pretty neat spot, actually. Then the camera catches Fenix completely whiff on a leaping kick that is supposed to hit Argenes in the head and knock him to the floor, and of course Argenes sells it because he has to, and Fenix is one of my least favorite workers in the modern era, I think. Then again, I don’t watch a lot of modern wrestling; I’m sure I’d see a ton of workers who I like even less if I did. But you don’t want to once again read my crabby Cranky Kong-ass routine where I talk about how wrestling was better in the old days and these young whippersnappers blah blah blah, so I’ll just report that I didn’t like this match and that the interesting thing about it was Catrina walking to ringside. Catrina almost distracts Fenix enough that Argenis gets the win with a top rope rana and standing moonsault combination. Vampiro, speaking about Catrina in a lascivious voice: “I wish I could tell you how I really felt.” No, I think we get it, buddy. Some things are better kept to yourself. You don’t have to express everything that pops into your head. Either the big one or the little one. After some more nonstop non-psychology [™Bret Hart, and yes, I am aware that I just don’t get the psychology and that it’s objectively a deficit in me and not the match], Fenix flips out of a Tombstone and hits a Rikishi Driver for three. Catrina gets in the ring and gives Argenis a lick of death as Fenix backs away. I thought you wanted to keep this whole thing on the down low, Catrina? Seriously, though, I’m pleased that Fenix isn’t a dumb babyface and clearly understands that the sudden interest from Catrina is an obvious scheme to get back at him somehow for beating Mil Muertes. Seedy backstage interstitial: Mil Muertes speaks! While choking Catrina! And she likes it! Man, this segment probably gave a few teenage viewers the wrong idea about sex and relationships. Anyway, Catrina warns Mil that he can’t handle the power of a thousand lives that are coursing through his veins and giving him, I presume, something like functional immortality (or at least the combined lifespan of a thousand people, which would be roughly seventy-five thousand years). She begins to tell him what he needs to do, which is when Mil goozles her and lifts her up, yells I NEED NOTHING in her face with spit flying everywhere (ew!), and then walks away while Catrina is (I think) pleased to see her plan, whatever it is, working. And also looking like she needs a cigarette after that whole exchange, which is disturbing. As Muertes stalks away, he stalks right past Chavo Jr.; both men square up with one another for a second. Chavo starts to walk away, but Muertes goozles him, slams him against the wall, and tells him that next week’s the week that he pays a debt for taking the glory of destroying Blue Demon Jr. from him (Season One, Episode Two). Glad to see that this company pays off everything it introduces. Even if all the payoffs for Chavo Jr.’s storylines are weak beer. Seedy backstage interstitial: Or rather it’s a seedy Catholic church interstitial, as Big Ryck sits in the shadows of a confessional booth and gets assigned penance for the sort of violence that he’s about to commit upon the bodies of his former flunkies Cortez, Mr. Cisco, and Bael. Actually, no, the priest doesn’t even make him do one Hail Mary and instead is just like, Alright, bud, go in peace and then Big Ryck leans into the light and is wearing an eyepatch and it’s a little silly, but that’s okay because this is pro wrestling and things should be a little silly sometimes. Son of Havoc and Ivelisse Velez hit the ring. Havoc grabs a mic and is pleased that he’s finally getting some legit competition tonight, since I suppose that minis and dudes in boas aren’t real competition. I mean, Hulk Hogan wore a boa. Jesse Ventura wore a boa. I digress. Havoc dedicates his upcoming victory to Ivelisse, which somehow I don’t think he’s going to earn tonight. In fact, here comes Johnny Mundo, walking out here with no visible leg damage, and I think that they should have held him from this show and instead had Prince Puma return here after two weeks off from his injuries to angrily destroy Havoc rather than Mundo showing up just a week later. Let both of these guys each have a show off to sell their injuries from Cage (and from King Cuerno as well in Mundo’s case). As for the match, IMO, it should only last a minute or two. Striker goes on about Mundo’s movement being compromised while Mundo runs around without selling any lasting leg damage. Then, he yells SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY when Mundo completes a leg sweep. Well, we made it this far into the show before Striker sounded like a complete jackass, and that’s sort of a win. This match is all wrong for a guy who was supposedly destroyed last week. Again, Puma running through Havoc like this would be fine. Ivelisse does help Havoc get control by pulling him out of a Mundo powerslam attempt, and Havoc does a strongman elbowdrop spot where he does a plank while holding the post that is a neat spot in isolation. I’m sort of impressed at the creativity of a pro wrestling strongman spot that’s focused on something other than lifting a wrestler or a heavy item, actually. The more I think about that spot, I’m enamored with it. Mundo finally starts selling the leg a bit, especially after Ivelisse trips him during his springboard to kill one of his comeback attempts. Mundo eventually makes his comeback, forgets that his leg is hurt, throws a bunch of mediocre soupbones, and does a few contrived sequences with the equally acrobatic and contrived Havoc before whiffing on an End of the World, landing feet-first on that “injured” knee, and not registering that it hurt him one bit. Havoc lands a springboard double stomp/standing moonsault combo for 2.8. I hate this match. What it’s turned into is Havoc’s story in which he comes close, but can’t win, which would work if Mundo was selling leg damage and being vulnerable with any consistency so that we can get a better sense of Havoc’s growing loveable loser gimmick or that Havoc is heelishly profligate in taking his chances. Otherwise, Mundo should have matched the anger that he showed on his way to the ring with his actions in the ring and blown the initially boastful Havoc away, which would have deeply embarrassed Ivelisse and moved their split along in a logical way. Instead, these two are having a “good match” in the context of Lucha Underground's house style and not accomplishing anything that makes any logical fucking sense while they do it. Havoc takes a long time to drop a top-rope move even though Ivelisse is begging him to leap, eats knees from Mundo, and then is food for an End of the World. Fuck this match. The only good thing about it is that Cuerno sneak attacks Mundo after the match. I suppose he is astonished that his concerted leg attack that was sold as death last week actually wasn’t very effective. Mundo tries to fight back, but gets dropped with a Thrill of the Hunt. Cuerno working every advantage he can get is one of my favorite things about this show. This guy absolutely rules. It’s also nice that whenever he’s on screen, whatever he’s doing actually makes sense, unlike what I saw in the match right before he ran in. This mariachi band is one of my favorite little things about this show. I appreciate the semi-extended performance we get here. Matt Striker bops to the music. It's distressing. Ricky Mandel is in the ring. Vampiro gets him mixed up with Ricky Martel in a bad two-man joke routine between he and Striker. Commentary vacillates between surprisingly fun and awful from night to night; you never can be sure what you’re going to get on any given episode. Tonight, they’re solidly awful. Anyway, Mandel gets destroyed by Pentagón Jr. Penta rolls this dude, hits two of his three moves of awesomeness, and we’re out. I could watch this every week and hope that if we’re getting a slow burn on the reveal of Penta’s new mentor, Penta keeps doing squashes every week. I suppose that I should note that this squash was worse that last week’s; there’s a weak counter-dropkick spot in there on a Mandel moonsault attempt, for one example, and the squash was probably a touch longer than it needed to be, for another. Still, I enjoyed it the most out of any in-ring thing on this show…especially the arm breaker. I do get a kick out of the Temple crowd going full Philly ECW fans by chanting CERO MIEDO after the armbreaker. Penta gets a mic and tells his mentor-slash-master that he has given them another broken arm as an offering. Then, he bows to said master. This whole Penta storyline is great, IMO. Matt Striker goes full-on "yelling and overhyping WWE commentator" to hype Alberto El Patrón coming to the ring and talking. Alberto is crazy over; he’s got the AAA Mega Championship title with him, which I vaguely recall he held and then vacated when he went back to the Dub at one point. This is the point in Alberto’s life when he goes full unadulterated public shitbag, isn’t it? Ah, whatever, it’s pro wrestling. It, like most institutions in life, is full of unadulterated shitbags, many of them publicly so. Alberto is out here bowing to the crowd and acting like a fun-loving babyface while the Temple deliriously chants for him. As Alberto calls the crowd his “friends,” I wonder if he's going to suddenly turn on them halfway through this interview [Editor's note: Nope!]. Though I appreciate that he’s a hard worker, I’m not a huge fan of Puma, and I quite enjoy Alberto’s in-ring work, but even so, I’m hoping that they don’t make the mistake of hotshotting the Lucha Underground Championship off Puma and onto Alberto. Anyway, Alberto does the whole “politics held me back” thing, which I am sad to be correct about, and this WWE-style yap-fest sucks, man. I don’t want this on my Lucha Underground. Bring back Penta and have him offer more sacrifices to his dark master. That’s what I want on Lucha Underground. Texano jumps Alberto from behind and whips him with a bullrope. That’s sudden. Maybe Texano should have debuted a week ago and won a squash against someone so that Striker doesn’t have to pull a Mike Tenay and basically pull a WE KNOW WHO THAT IS. Texano promises to take the AAA Mega Championship away from Alberto. This was a terrible fucking show in which the only things bolstering it were Penta committing violence as human sacrifice and the seedy backstage interstitials, especially the Catrina/Muertes/Chavo Jr. stuff. I remember LU becoming consistently good at some point and wonder if maybe it didn’t do that until the end of this season going into the second season. Oh well, at least in LU’s case, the bad shows are short (though this show felt like it took two-plus hours to end). 1 LU-CHA chant out of 5.

I do not! I vaguely remember some things, like Misterio Jr.'s short stay or Paul London doing an Alice in Wonderland gimmick, but not this. I'm actually pretty excited to find out based on your teasing of it, though. I felt like it took way too many episodes to explain the hitwoman's presence, but otherwise, I generally agree. As more people come to the Temple, Dario's original goal to fuck with Johnny Mundo and see a little violence gets more and more accidentally complex until he's just trying to survive the Temple's chaos.

Season 1, Show 13: “Johnny Mundo vs. The Machine,” or Bravely Moonsault I see Lucha Underground is delving into double meanings with this episode’s title. Recap: We see Johnny Mundo agitating Dario Cueto. We see the hitwoman agitating Dario Cueto. We see Brian Cage destroying Puma and Konnan. Hmmm, could maybe the third of these things help Dario solve the problems posed by the first and second of these things? There’s a pretty dope mariachi band in the Temple and playing us into the show and the first match: Son of Havoc (w/Ivelisse Velez) and…wait, hold on, Ivelisse is going to annoy me by yelling out another promo. She basically thinks Twitter is toxic (yes) and that the Twitterverse is wrong about Havoc sucking at pro wrestling (yeah, he’s actually a pretty good wrestler) because she’d never date a loser (inconclusive as I don’t know enough about her dating life to assess, nor do I want to). Let me guess: Havoc is imminently going to lose to Angelico, who turns out to be his opponent tonight. Striker suggests that Havoc may be trying to avoid being “the S.D. Jones” of the Temple, then mentions Colonel DeBeers, Shaun Simpson, and Steve Simpson as other prominent wrestlers from South Africa while talking up Angelico. I like that Striker mentions other wrestlers outside of the Temple for historical context and comparison, even if sometimes, he's a bit labored while doing so. Angelico attacks Havoc with a series of shots with his knees and feet. Ivelisse grabs his ankle as he loads up for another kick, which allows Havoc to breathe a bit and counter Angelico’s eventual charge with a sitout facebuster. I sort of enjoy Angelico’s leg-based offense. It stands out as different from what a lot of other wrestlers are doing, even though Puma and Mundo both love integrating kicks and knees and stomps into a lot of what he does, and seemingly everyone in the Temple throws a loud, knee slapping kick as part of their regular offense. Ivelisse continues to try and cheat for her man, but it’s not enough to stop Angelico from gaining control of the bout and catching some significant air on a dive. Back in the ring, Angelico lands a knee for two, then turns back a Havoc corner charge with a boot before running himself right into a counter-backbreaker for a two count. Havoc goes up top, but takes too much time and is caught by Angelico. They struggle over a top rope move; Havoc tosses Angelico to the mat face first, tries a Shooting Star Press but lands on his feet, and tries to attack again before being caught up top. Angelico tries a running sitout crucifix powerbomb called, apparently, Fall of the Angel, but I vote that we should just call that move a Razor’s Edge no matter who is doing it or what sort of variation it is. Anyway, Havoc leaps out of that and sends Angelico to the floor. Now, we need to pay off Ivelisse getting involved earlier, so there is a series of spots and counter-spots where Havoc and Angelico both go for kisses while Ivelisse is on the apron, and it ends in sadness for Ivelisse when Havoc rolls up Angelico, who kicks out, launches Havoc forward into Ivelisse’s gut with the momentum of said kickout, and then rolls Havoc up for three. That match was perfectly alright and moves along what I recall ended up being an Ivelisse/Havoc split. Ivelisse storms off when Havoc tries to comfort her, in fact. Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario talks to someone off-camera while at his desk. He mentions that this person hasn’t wrestled since Aztec Warfare and decides to try and make amends with this person who, as the camera eventually reveals, is Johnny Mundo. Mundo is a fucking dork. After Cueto books him against Brian Cage in the main event for tonight, here’s how Mundo responds: “You mean that hambone that tore apart your title belt? **puts on his sunglasses like he’s making a quip to introduce the latest episode of CSI: Miami** You better get a new one.” LU, I am asking you – no, I am pleading with you – please stop pushing Johnny Mundo as a centerpiece of these shows. Anyway, Dario's "kindness" in putting Mundo up against the best competition in the Temple as a make-good being an obvious way to try and get Cage to put Mundo out of wrestling and teach Mundo that lesson that Dario's been wanting to teach is a logical next step for the Dario/Mundo feud. Famous B. hits the ring to do a job to Pentagon Jr. Before that happens… Hype video: …Penta Jr. narrates his own hype video in which he states that only the best forms of fighting survive across generations, and he’s learned many of them (multiple martial arts and lucha style) to become a, um, mixed martial artist, basically. OK, now that I broke it down like that, it seems less special than the video made it seem. Back to the ring! Penta chops the shit out of Famous B. and then celebrates it, which is the best thing about every Penta match not counting the armbreakers that I hope he will start doing soon. B. lands a nice armdrag, but gets too excited about it and turns around from his own celebration and into a superkick and a package piledriver and then, yes! Penta locks on the armbreaker, gets a submission, and then snaps B.’s arm backward after the bell, breaking it. Penta manages to become more watchable by the week by doing literally only three cool moves (open-hand slap, package piledriver, armbreaker). After the match, Penta pledges loyalty to a mysterious master who clearly is more inspiring than Chavo Guerrero Jr. was! I dug the hell out of this squash, by the way. Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto sits outside of Matanza Cueto's prison cell and tells Matanza that the hitwoman, now officially named Black Lotus, came looking for him and for revenge for something that apparently happened between them when she (they?) were much younger. Black Lotus wants revenge of some sort, but Dario misdirected her because if he gave Lotus the key and allowed her to get to Matanza, he's pretty certain that Matanza would have mowed her down first and then the rest of the Temple second. I'm so glad we got traction on this storyline, and it's interesting traction to boot. Drago is in the ring to face off with Aerostar. I really like Drago, as you know if you’ve read this far, but I prefer him fighting from underneath against a bigger wrestler (or someone who is working bigger). What we get here is more of a flyer vs. flyer match, which typically doesn’t reach above average for me in this style. Mostly, yeah, these two trade some nice moves and dives that look great in isolation, but that don’t do much for me as part of a full match because there isn’t the connective tissue between them that I prefer. I have to note Vampiro on commentary responding to Matt Striker’s mention of Scott Steiner doing a version of a hurricanrana: “Yeah, when he was about a hundred pounds lighter and mobile.” Somewhere and at some time, Scotty heard about this comment and started frothing at the mouth that IT’S A FRANKENSTEINER, NOT A RANA, WHAT’RE YOU A MEXICAN OR SOMETHIN’ before hitting things with a lead pipe while in a rage. Both wrestlers in this match trade moves until the finish, when Drago hits a flipping neckbreaker that ends up more like a DDT for three. Man, I wish there were tighter and more creative transitions in these more aerial and quicker-paced matches. Drago helps Aerostar up after the match, and both men laud one another for their performances. Seedy backstage interstitial: Boy, am I glad to see more of these on the shows! Fenix goes at a bag with punches and kicks when Catrina sneaks up on him and sensually asks questions about the tattoo on Fenix’s chest before making her point, which is that she wants to bang it out, basically. He gets an actual kiss and not a lick, by the way, as Catrina suggests they keep this whole affair on the down low so that Mil Muertes doesn't destroy them both. I’d type “lucky Fenix,” but we can all see this set-up coming from a mile away, right? Even Fenix has a look on his face that says, Uh, this seems like a set-up, and I’m not sure that I’m interested in her. Johnny Mundo works tonight’s main event against Brian Cage (w/torn Lucha Underground title). Oh man, do I fucking hate Mundo’s offense. Why are you spinning so much that it makes the kick you finally throw after fluttering through the air look like shit? Can you not figure out some parkour-style offense that actually looks good? And no, slapping your thigh does not help the illusion. Cage catches this leaping dipshit and powerbombs him into the post, which is a move that actually looks like it hurts. Hey, in the distance, King Cuerno sits in what is basically like a deer blind except he's stalking and scouting wrestlers. This match would be better if Cuerno were one of the competitors. Push King Cuerno more, dammit! Cage tries a moonsault with extra gaga and jibber habber and misses, allowing Mundo to make a comeback. Mundo lands a running knee for two, then avoids a Cage slam by slipping out of the back and landing a Scorpion Death Drop for two more. Mundo tries to keep the pace up, but gets caught on a leapover in the corner and hit with an Alabama Slam for two. They work some more counter-counter-counter after that, culminating in Mundo scoring two after a springboard kick. Mundo’s kick-based offense looks even worse than usual considering we just saw Angelico’s much better kick-based offense earlier in this show. Striker lands another biblical reference (the book of Revelation) while calling Mundo’s End of the World attempt, but if he likes his deep cuts, he should have mentioned the book of Daniel instead. Anyway, Cage rolls out of the ring before Mundo can land, so Mundo leaps over the corner post and body presses Cage while Vampiro annoyingly yells THAT WAS AWESOME. The crowd annoyingly yelling that sort of thing is more than enough for my taste, Vampiro. Now that everyone is hurt, Cuerno decides to strike and attack Mundo, which draws a DQ. I am gonna be bummed if and when they put Mundo over Cuerno. Cuerno, ever the huge babyface, yells THE HUNT BEGINS AGAIN before destroying Mundo’s leg with a chair. Saving us from more bad Mundo kicks? Truly, Cuerno is LU’s Ricky Steamboat in his babyface-osity. Before Cage can lope off from the scene of all this carnage, Dario Cueto walks out of his office and stops him. Dario pretends that he’s doing Mundo a favor by not letting it end this way [™ Michael Cole] and re-starts the match. Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker: Saying WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR in a bad Austrian accent is annoying; saying nothing as Cage stalked back to the ring would have been a better choice. Anyway, Cage targets Mundo’s busted leg, as one would logically do. Here’s a neat thing Cage does: He locks on a Stretch Muffler, which I think is a rad looking move. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end the match because Mundo grasps the bottom rope. Mundo manages a shitty comeback, landing a Moonlight Drive for 2.5 and trying another End of the World. Cage grabs his leg, yanks him down, and hoists him up for an F-5 that only gets two. Cage tries a move out of a Gory Special that Mundo rolls through for two, but Cage quickly gets to his feet, lands a lariat, and hits a facebuster out of a Gory Special that earns him a three count with a massive assist from King Cuerno. Fuck that, the Stretch Muffler should have ended it. Mundo could have passed out. Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario talks to a mysterious someone on the phone in his office, stressed about throwing Black Lotus off the trail, when a mysterious someone else insistently knocks on his door and then steps inside the office against Dario’s wishes. That person? Alberto El Patron, who isn’t the then-recent WWE departure that I was hoping for (where is Rey Misterio Jr., dammit?!). Whatever, Alberto is a solid worker and will be fine for the short time he spends in the Temple. I like that we’re picking up on the branching storylines and building out the Temple’s cast of characters. The Pentagon Jr. squash was the wrestling highlight of this show for me, but even the stuff I was less interested in from an in-ring standpoint like Drago/Aerostar or the main event ended up being decent. Mostly, I’m glad to see way more story stuff integrated into these shows and demand even more seedy backstage interstitials in the rest of the episodes this season! 3.5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Yep, makes a ton of sense. I feel like AEW is a conventional wrestling show and pretty much in line with WWE or TNA, and that LU is strikingly different than any of those, but what comes through in your response here is that wrestling is simply well oversaturated for such a niche interest here in the States: WWE, NXT, Evolve, AEW, ROH (does it have it's own separate shows or is it fully integrated into AEW programming?), TNA, and NWA are all easily accessible on television or the internet or both, and it's easier than ever to watch wrestling from outside of the States besides. There simply isn't room for more wrestling, even if it's shot and presented in a drastically different way.

Season 1, Show 12: “They Call Him Cage,” or Heeeeeeeeeere’s Brian! After that great King Cuerno/Drago blowoff Last Luchador Standing Match on the previous episode, let’s get traction on these storylines that have been teased for a while, please! Recap: Big Ryck didn’t keep an eye out, got his flunkies hired out from underneath him by Dario Cueto; two weeks ago, Puma retained the LU Championship after a watchable-enough bout against Fenix, but was immediately attacked by Brian Cage after the bout. Cage, of course, wants his shot at the gold next. Seedy backstage interstitial: Cage pumps iron backstage; Dario Cueto walks up and congratulates Cage on taking it right to Puma (“tak[ing] the bull by the huevos”) and informs Cage that he’s got a title shot against Puma tonight. Cage is confident in his impending victory; Cueto's face expresses glee with the expectation that Puma will lose. Aw yeah, we get a Vampiro interview with Konnan and Puma teased for later! Before that, though, let’s start with a match. Mil Muertes (w/Catrina) walks to the ring for a match against Rey Fenix. Wow, that’s an interesting matchup for tonight’s opener. Muertes rushes Fenix at the bell, which seems like a mistake, and it is; Fenix scores a couple of quick roll-ups for two. Then, Fenix makes the mistake of throwing ineffectual chops and even an ineffectual running kick at Muertes. I don’t know, man, strikes might not work. Fenix tries another running strike and eats a straight right to the temple. Yeah, that spot was great. Fenix wobbles to his feet and tries to run again, so Muertes hits a release overhead suplex that crashes Fenix into the buckles, then drills Fenix with a DDT for two. OK, this is Fenix’s best work because he has to survive against a power dude who catches all his dumbass flips and launches him. Speaking of, Fenix tries a backflip move and back suplexes him for two. Fenix tries to swing through the ropes, gets his legs caught, is tossed to the mat, and then is mowed down with a spear that only earns a two count for Muertes. The crowd has a dueling LET’S GO FENIX/FENIX SUCKS chant. Obviously, you know which side I’m coming down on. Meanwhile, Muertes presses Fenix from one corner to the other and covers for two. Stop playing with your food and guzzle it, Muertes! Wait, OK, I'm fine with you throwing a few more punches at Fenix’s dome. Mul then risks sitting Fenix up top for a superplex, but Fenix uses his legs to hook Muertes’s legs on impact and sneaks a quickie roll-up for three. I see what we’re doing; we’re setting up for a longer Fenix/Muertes feud here using the same formula as Drago/Cuerno. Muertes is just the right dance partner for Fenix, so I’m interested in it. Hype video: Brian Cage fights dudes in a parking lot while doing a voice over about not being immortal and therefore living life to his fullest. He should ask Mil Muertes about Muertes’s dark immortality magic, maybe. Or he could just live it up by fighting a bunch of weak mooks in a parking lot, including one who looks suspiciously like Billy Kidman’s nerdy son. I say that we should bring Hijo de Kidman to Lucha Underground now! Next up: A trios tag pitting Super Fly, Argenis, and Aerostar against Dario’s Flunkies (Cisco, Cortez, and Bael). Actually, he won last week, so I begrudgingly call him Mr. Cisco. For now. Though probably, he’s going to win this match as well, so he’s got at least a couple of weeks that I give him his honorific. Striker is quoting scripture to explain the flunkies' betrayal of Big Ryck like he’s Jules Winnfield stopping a robbery while a watchable, standard dive-filled trios match goes on. I actually think, as someone who drops the occasional literary reference into my wrestling writing without even thinking about it, I like the idea of what Striker is doing, but he really struggles with making it sound natural or integrating it into the discussion at hand. Oh yeah, this match. It’s fine. There is a babyface tower splash spot, trios running strikes to Aerostar in the corner, and a terrible curb stomp from Baez. That last move isn’t great, to be sure, but this match is perfectly acceptable televised wrestling worked at a solid pace; Aerostar plays FIP after that running strikes spot, but makes a hot tag to Argenis, who has a nice segment full of pacey offense before the heels cheat and eventually hit a team double stomp on him for 2.9. Argenis makes a tag back to Aerostar as the commentators point out that the heels have cheated liberally, but the babyfaces have mostly just let it happen while standing on the apron. Yeah, I expected lesser adherence to tag rules in a lucha trios match. There’s a unique spot where Aerostar hits a top rope rana that flips Bael onto everyone else grouped up to catch a dive at ringside. Aerostar then follows up with a dive onto all five other guys, still all grouped up to catch a dive. Nice spots in isolation, though of course they mean nothing because Bael hops right back in the ring to trade blows with Aerostar, the latter of whom eats a team Codebreaker for three. The rana spot was unique, but otherwise, I won’t remember anything about this decent enough match tomorrow. Adventures in Interviewing with Vampiro: Now, Vampiro has been hating on Konnan over on commentary since the start of LU as an entity, which makes a ton of sense if you know about their past IRL disagreements, and here, Vampiro pulls a 1993 Randy Savage on commentary as he continues to excoriate Konnan regarding how Puma’s manager acted during their interview: “It drove me insane. You coulda cut a knife with the intensity. I’m telling you, Konnan is not good!” If Randy Savage has at some point mixed up the words to the saying “could have cut the tension with a knife" in an interview or on commentary, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m gonna be honest; I remember hating Vampiro’s commentary with a passion my first time around, but I’m actually enjoying his “color commentator Savage for a more mature audience” act so far (at least for the most part). And we haven’t even gotten to the interview! I love that Vampiro’s chyron introduces him as an “announcer/legend” underneath his name. Amazing. Anyway, what I love about this is that Puma’s a dude from Kentucky and they don’t want him to start yapping and thus reveal that, so Konnan stops him from talking reponds for him. Konnan being a glory hound is a funny and appropriate way to keep Puma from talking. Vampiro gets on his Mike Tenay and suggests that some nebulous people somewhere out there are saying that Cage hits too hard for Puma, so Konnan cuts in and responds by saying that he doesn’t care what people think, including punk-ass Vampiro, because we all know that Cage is a meathead dumbass who can’t think his way out of a paper bag, much less out of trouble in a wrestling match. That’s paraphrasing what Konnan said, of course. Vampiro is done with Konnan’s glory hounding and says so; Konnan declares the interview over and bodies up to Vampiro. Puma separates them as Vampiro warns Puma to “be careful.” That was pretty entertaining. I’m stunned to be typing this: More Vampiro interviews, please! Prince Puma (w/Konnan) defends his Lucha Underground Championship for the second time in the two weeks since he won it, this time against Brian Cage. I’m sort of surprised they’re going right into this match instead of teasing it out a couple more weeks at the very least. Cage saunters in and gets hit with a dive while he’s not expecting it. The early exchange here lays out the thesis statement for this match: Cage backs Puma into the corner, but Puma immediately lifts up to the second rope and hits a rana, then goes on the run and tries an aerial move that Cage stops by shoulderblocking him out of mid-air. Cage then slows the match down and takes over; he chokes Puma by using the ropes and jaws with Konnan at ringside while he does it. Vampiro is sorely aggrieved by Konnan exchanging words with Cage and giving Puma advice even though these are typical wrestling manager things to do, but he does at least argue that Puma just got “rocked” and is trying to get his bearings before taking any immediate advice. In fairness to Konnan, Puma manages a rollup for two right after that, but Cage clubs him down and then hits a sitout Alabama Slam to kill a Puma headscissors attempt. Cage tries to follow up with a power slam, but Puma DDTs his way out, then rushes Cage, hits a shoulder to the solar plexus and a kick, and then follows with a springboard elbow for two. Puma attempts a Northern Lights – mistake! – and is quickly counter double-underhooked and suplexed by Cage. Puma gets to the apron and is able to counter Cage’s intricate, rope-based offensive set-up with springboard double knees for two more. Puma keeps attempting power moves, which continues to be a mistake; Cage blocks Puma’s next suplex attempt just as he did the last, then tries to catch Puma up top for a superplex. Puma escapes and kicks Cage in the head, but when he leaps, Cage catches him in vertical suplex position and Jackhammers him for two. This match is perfectly fine for what it is, y’know? I’m not in love it, but it’s a solid bout. Cage just doesn’t connect with me and can’t string together interesting offense in a way that draws me in. He hits a moonsault for two, then halts a bunch of Puma kick attempts by yanking him in and hitting double powerbombs…or at least the first one, as Puma flips out of the second one and dropkicks Cage in the face. I guess that first powerbomb Cage hit was pretty weak, huh? Puma gets to his feet first and charges Cage, who avoids Puma’s attack and lands an F-5 for two more. There’s just a ton of counter wrestling in this bout that I don’t particularly enjoy, and I can’t put my finger on why. Maybe because the counters are a bit too choreographed? Maybe because some of the counters come at points where I think the wrestler shouldn’t be able to counter in kayfabe due to the immediate damage they’ve taken? I don’t know. Again, this match isn’t bad, but it leaves me cold, especially when Cage shoves the referee into the ropes to knock Puma from the top rope as Puma sets up for his 630 senton bomb, then punts Puma in the junk right in full view of the angered ref to secure a disqualification. I get it; Cage is a hothead lunk. On the other hand, I don’t really feel a need to see this match again down the road. Cage attacks Puma after the match; Konnan tries to intervene by hitting Cage with his cane. That doesn’t work! Cage kicks Konnan in the stomach, then lays him out with the LU title belt, which he rips a strap from before tossing it down and spitting on it. Meanwhile, Konnan bladed off the title shot, which actually looks pretty rad. All this to get fucking Brian Cage over! I did get a kick out of one fan audibly yelling at Cage WHY ARE YOU HITTING AN OLD MAN. Now, storyline-wise, I’m assuming that Cage probably ticked Dario off by destroying his beloved LU title belt, but no… Seedy backstage interstitial: …we cut to Dario peeking out of the blinds of his office and grinning as though he is the proverbial cat who has stolen the proverbial cream. That’s when the hitwoman speaks! She stealths into Dario’s office, accosts him, and demands information on a man she’s been hunting to collect a debt. Damn, calm down, Leopold Strauss. Anyway, the person this hitwoman is looking for is named Matanza. Dario bluffs that he knows no one by that name, and the hitwoman blends back into the darkness, leaving without further questions. For now. Since Dario definitely knows who Matanza is. And since Matanza’s in a cell somewhere nearby and all. Well, they did move the hitwoman angle along and even melded it with the “Dario’s key” angle. Dario had better hope that the hitwoman doesn’t ask Catrina if she knows anything about a Matanza, or Dario’ll be getting another surprise visit in his office. Let’s hope we get more storyline seeded into these shows because once again, this LU episode relied on wrestling, and once again, considering that Drago didn't wrestle Cuerno this week, it didn’t rise above “pleasant enough, but ultimately forgettable.” Though Fenix was involved in the best match on the show, which in my view is an amazing achievement on his part. 3 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Yes, the famed Kliq Action Zone Match that, for my money (and elsalvaje's, IIRC) is the best WWF/E tag match ever. Maybe it has competition from Shield/Wyatts Elimination Chamber if you add trios tags to the mix, but as a standard two-on-two, it's the best for my money.

Second best match with extended limb work in WWF/E history right there. What I also dig about it is that the first match they worked, which I just saw again on the New Generation channel, was built around brutal ladder spots, and for the second one, they went with trying to cripple limbs so that climbing the ladder would be impossible. Two totally different psychological approaches to ladder matches, both of them great.

X-Pac and Jarrett in a hair vs. hair match, D-Lo vs. Venis, and both of those matches ruled. The Shamrock/Owen Lion's Den Match was neat, too. That card was more hits than misses, IMO. Really fun card.

Season 1, Show 11: “Last Luchador Standing,” or Knockout King Recap: Big Ryck lost his money in a ladder match, then failed to win the Lucha Underground Championship the next week in the Aztec Warfare Match, mostly due to bad flunkies who suck at flunkying. Elsewhere, Pentagon Jr. is getting nothing from his partnership with Chavo Guerrero Jr., and King Cuerno has chosen some dangerous prey in Drago considering that deer and even bears don’t splatter you with table dives like Drago does! Matt Striker and Vampiro let us know that King Cuerno and Drago are going to finally settle their business with a Last Luchador Standing Match this week, but before then: Bael and Cisco face Pimpinela Escarlata and Mascarita Sagrada. Cisco demands that Melissa Santos introduce him as MISTER Cisco, but no you don’t get an honorific until you win a match, you punk flunky bitch. I’d like Striker to be fired. Now. Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker: In response to Vampiro referring to the “gangbangers” Cisco and Bael," Striker asks, "Could you not use the term ‘gangbang’ when Pimpinela’s in the ring?” Who is Striker supposed to be, Jerry Lawler during the Attitude Era? Vampiro asking, “Can you prove to the viewers that you don’t have any discrimination?” a few seconds after that remark like an apt question, but first, Vampiro should ask him if he can prove to the viewers that he doesn’t absolutely suck at providing commentary outside of naming the moves. My guess is no! I digress. Big Ryck walks onto the steps to survey his overpaid flunkies as they survive an initial wave of offense from Pimpi and make him the FIP. Cortez comes out here to help trap Pimpi in the corner by standing on the floor and grabbing his ankle, but Pimpi manages to ass butt his way out of trouble when Cisco charges and then tag in his mini partner, who gets two on a diving rana and a tilt-a-whirl DDT before dodging a Cisco elbowdrop. The heels finally double up on Sagrada when Bael drops him with a big boot, but Sagrada takes out Cortez at ringside with a dive after being shot into the ropes. Pimpi comes back in, smooches Bael on the lips, and then dives onto everyone from the top. Unfortunately for him. Sagrada is still the legal man, and he falls to a team Codebreaker back in the ring for three immediately after that dive. Ryck enters the ring and stands in front of his charges, then has Bael hold his lit cigar while he speaks. Ryck says that he’s kicking the asses of anyone who stands in his way of the LU Championship, pointedly looking at his flunkies as a way to include themin that "anyone" remark, so his flunkies decide to attack him first. I suppose that’s a good plan in kayfabe, but narratively, he should have gotten rid of them for sucking ass at their jobs before they got to this point. Anyway, they hit him with a kendo stick and then Bael sears Ryck's eye with his own cigar. Interestingly, the flunkies might have just left this job with Ryck for higher pay with another employer, as they all file into Dario Cueto’s office after serving their notice. Seedy backstage interstitial: I suppose that Dario Cueto didn’t like Big Ryck holding him up for that cash bonus a few weeks ago (S1, Show 6) because Cueto intones that “Big Ryck had a hard time seeing how valuable we could be to one another. Now, it’ll be hard for him to see anything.” Rude. Dario pays the men for their attack, but demands total fealty and a response of “yes, sir” to all of his commands. The things you have to do to make a living, huh? It's time to formalize a name for what I assume will be a recurring segment: Adventures in Interviewing with Vampiro. This week, Vampiro interviews Brian Cage and informs Cage that he’s got a lot of heat in the locker room. Cage unconvincingly replies by saying this isn’t high school and that they don’t give titles to people who are the most liked. Vampiro wants to know why Cage thinks he’s hot shit and suggests that it’s harder to win and defend the title than it is to backjump the champion and talk shit about him. Actually, I kind of enjoy Vampiro’s Mike Tenay circa-2000 impression here, as he entertainingly says that Cage is just “big arms and a big ego” before begging off when Cage challenges him to a fight. I think Vampiro came out of this interview better than the dull Cage, a guy who sounds like he was kinda nervous to cut this interview before he did it. Maybe he should just beat the shit out of people without talking. I actually laugh when Vampiro ends this interview by giving Cage “much respect” and calling him a future champion. God help me, I think Vampiro’s chaotic neutral interviewing style is growing on me. Back to the matches! Maybe Pentagon Jr., much like the flunkies earlier in the night, will actually get a win on LU television for once! Penta and his opponent Super Fly trade kicks, and as I watch Penta and Fly have a weird exchange in which Fly backflips off the ropes for no reason in kayfabe, but so he can position himself for a Penta lungblower as part of this too-obvious performance, I think to myself that Penta’s on my shortlist of guys with the best look and demeanor, but the least enjoyable wrestling matches. He’s got a good bit of that whole “unsettling and dangerous facepainted wrestling savant” aura going that the Great Muta had, but of course, Muta was actually a fun worker and Penta is still Penta once the bell rings. I like it when he open-hand slaps the shit out of his opponent’s chest, though. The hitwoman is glaring at the action from the stands in a quick, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it spot that the commentators don’t mention, and then we go back to the match and an exchange ending in a somersault plancha that Fly successfully scores before the match heads back to the ring and dropkicks Fly out of another backflip off the ropes for 2.8. Maybe Fly should stop it with those backflips from a kayfabe strategy standpoint! Fly does get a near fall with a victory roll, but Pental scores two on a flying clothesline, then rings Fly up with a package piledriver for three. After the match, Penta grabs a mic and runs down Chavo Jr. for being a very unhelpful partner. However, he has someone else in mind to be his next partner, and also, he has cero miedo, that last part of which you knew. Sexy Star stands in the ring when we come back; El Mariachi Loco makes it to the ring as her opponent. Mariachi gets in the ring and pantomimes to Star that he would like to maybe hit it after the match. Matt Striker goes all WWE and asks where Sexy Star ranks with the great female wrestlers like Trish Stratus, Lita, and the Fabulous Moolah. In what is a funny response, Vampiro scoffs at Star being compared to trash like Stratus or Lita, but concedes that Moolah is a worthy point of comparison. Of course, Trish Stratus was a better worker than Star was, and Lita, while sloppy and dangerous, was way more fun to watch, too. Moolah was never that good, though, was she? I don’t know; I’ve only seen her wrestle when she was well past prime. Anyway, Striker failing to throw even one token woman who worked for All Japan in the ‘80s or ‘90s into his list of great lady wrestlers probably agitated the hell out of the viewers at home. I just found it funny, though whether this whole deal was intentionally or unintentionally funny, I can’t quite tell. Anyway, Mariachi doesn’t take Star seriously and lasciviously swivels his hips when she’s got him in a go-behind. Star responds by kicking the shit out of this dude, and it rules. I mean literally, she boots him right in the mush, and it looks rad. Mariachi trips her, yanks her hair, and then chops the hell out of her. I think all these matches could use more strikes because that’s my favorite thing about the action tonight. Mariachi shoots Star in, but Star stops herself and then uses Mariachi’s horniness against him by blowing him an air kiss and beckoning him over, then pulling down the bottom rope so that he tumbles to the floor when he does. Star follows up with a successful dive and then goes back to throwing as many kicks as possible. Star should have a kick-based offense, IMO. More kicks! Back in the ring, Star kills a corner charge from Mariachi with a big boot, then scores a diving arm drag from the top before running the ropes and getting her momentum killed with a Hot Shot. Mariachi takes a long time to capitalize with a dive; Star moves, Mariachi misses, and Star quickly small packages Mariachi for three to escape with a victory. Fun match! How I wish Star had at least Trish Stratus’s talent level to match the quality of her push! Alright, let’s have our main event: King Cuerno meets Drago in a Last Luchador Standing Match. Striker sells Drago diving off the top of Dario’s office as something that we’ll remember for a long time since it was so unique, but Mundo and Fenix have already dove off that thing, and that’s just off the top of my head, and we’re only eleven episodes in, so, uh, about the uniqueness of that spot… Drago immediately gets on his bike, dropkicks Cuerno to the floor, and hits what I think is a plancha. Planchas include flips, right? Anyway, he dove. I can say that much happened. Cuerno is already down for a seven count on the floor, but he manages to wobble into the ring, where Drago meets him with a pair of kicks and a hanging DDT. I really like that Drago is swinging for the fences early on. Cuerno rolls to the floor at the count of six as Vampiro posits that Cuerno was knocked loopy when he fell backwards after taking that plancha and is in trouble early, then praises Cuerno for having the strategic mind to still escape to the floor rather than simply getting to his feet in the ring and being open for more immediate Drago offense. Good commentatin' on Vampiro's part there. In fact, Drago tries to follow Cuerno outside with a running senton off the apron, but Cuerno catches him and powerbombs him on the floor. I really like this match so far. It’s a nasty, brutish thing that feels like both men just want to kill each other off as early as possible and get the fuck outta here. I also like that Cuerno sees Drago starting to stir, so rather than letting him beat the count, he hits a running kick instead. Back in the ring, Cuerno hits two rolling Germans and a brainbuster. That ruled. Cuerno backs into the corner and surveys his downed prey, landing another soccer kick to Drago’s dome when Drago flips onto his stomach and starts to raise himself. Cuerno lands a huge chop, solidifying my belief that more chops and punches are a great idea in these matches. However, Cuerno shoots Drago in and is punished for letting Drago run because Drago lands a flipping neckbreaker. Cuerno tries to stop the onslaught by throwing the ref down in front of him, but Drago just runs and springboards off the ref to keep up the offense, culminating in a rana to the floor. Cuerno staggers to his feet outside and re-enters the ring as Drago gets up; Cuerno meets Drago with another kick, and then drops a leg on the back of Drago’s neck for good measure. Annoyed that Drago is still moving, Cuerno stomps him out, then once again makes the mistake of shooting Drago in, though he manages to dropkick Drago to the floor and hit his suicide dive – the Arrow from Hell, which is a great name. A table comes into play once more as Cuerno sets it up outside the ring; Drago tries to fight back, so Cuerno savagely batters Drago’s head into the ringpost once, twice, thrice, and finally a fourth time. Cuerno having these frenzied moments of violence is very cool and contrasts nicely with his patient hunter demeanor that he usually has. Unfortunately, I think Drago is up from the table to stop Drago from diving onto him too quickly after that vicious looking ringpost battering. In any case, Cuerno is able to block Drago’s punches on the apron and hoist him into fireman’s carry position, then drills a Thrill of the Hunt off the apron and through the table in a spot that should end the match and…does not. I am fine with this not finishing the match in this specific case for two reasons: One, Drago really hates this dude Cuerno and I believe he’d will himself up from this move just to spite the guy. Two, Cuerno’s disbelieving reaction when Drago flips to his belly and gets to his knees at eight is excellent. I could feel his frustration. Cuerno gets Drago back in the ring and dropkicks Drago into the corner, then gets some nice air on a running dropkick to a seated Drago. Cuerno gets a rope and tells the ref to back off before tying Drago to the corner with rope, kicking Drago in the head as Drago can’t protect himself, and fucking choking Drago out with the rope while the referee counts. That finish was great, as was this match. This was the first truly great match (and great feud) of LU’s run, in fact. It’s better if you watch their whole series, of course, but it stands alone as maybe the best LMS match that I’ve ever seen. I’ll have to ponder further, but man, did I love this. Two guys throwing bombs and trying to hurt one another badly, Drago never giving up even as Cuerno rocked him, Drago’s hatred for Cuerno driving him to get to his feet after that Thrill of the Hunt through the table, and finally Cuerno saying FUCK THIS and using rope to both tie Drago down so that he couldn’t stand and choke the shit out of him at the same time were all amazing things. Somehow, this match finish (and the whole feud itself) made both guys look great: Cuerno looks brutal and cunning (even if a bit cheap in his methods) and Drago looks like the best never-say-die babyface around. One of these two guys should be the LU Champ, dammit! That last match carried this show and made me think Cuerno and Drago should be topline stars, and the rest of the show was pretty fun, too, up to and including Vampiro’s interviewing style. Other than some minor issues with commentary and not enough movement on some storylines (explain what the hitwoman is doing here already, dammit!), it was an immaculate watch. 4.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Season 1, Show 10: “Law of the Jungle,” or Puma the Unlikely We now have a champion who can be chased, which I think will probably improve this show's week-to-week creative output. Recap: Chavo Guerrero Jr. has made a quite a few enemies over the first weeks of the Temple’s existence and might have bitten off more than he can chew. Meanwhile, Konnan scouted Prince Puma, made promises about his talent to Dario Cueto, and was revealed to be adept in his scouter's analysis when Puma won the first Aztec Warfare Match and became the first Lucha Underground Champion. Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto gives Fenix a bunch of props for doing lots of flips and winning matches while doing lots of flips. Dario thinks that Fenix is an elite talent and that he was destined to come to this Temple. Dario is hopeful that Fenix will, and I quote, “destroy Prince Puma and embarrass Konnan,” astutely pointing out that Fenix has already cleanly defeated Puma (S1, Show 8). Fenix demurs, saying that he’s only in the Temple to fight for himself, but Dario anticipates this and tells him that he can do what Dario wants and also fight for himself to become the new Lucha Underground Champion while he destroys Puma, thus setting up a title match for later in the show that I’m really not looking forward to! In the background, we get a sudden zoom-in to see the hitwoman sneakily (and creepily) peering in through the blinds covering Dario’s office window, taking in the whole affair. Lucha Underground starts out tonight's action by doing a Fatal Fourway properly – elimination rather than one-fall. Correct, LU! That’s how all multi-man matches to pinfall or submission should be done. Aerostar makes his debut in this match, as does Argenis. Actually, so does Angelico (in neon tights). And finally, I find that everyone in this match is a debutant; the last person making his debut in this match is Brian Cage, another shorter guy who will be pushed as a monster, which I’m not against in general, but which I think is a worrying trend for this show because all of its non-Ryck monsters are roughly as tall as most of the high flyers. I think there’s room for all these shorter power dudes, but LU needs one or two more taller dudes who really tower over the competition. They don’t have to be lumbering seven-foot dudes, but I sort of wish we could transport 1997 James Vandenberg, Wrath, and Mortis into the Temple. That would solve a lot of my roster construction issues in this regard. Anyway, Cage is stocky and powerful, so the less stocky and powerful guys gang up on him and toss him out of the way to lay around for a while so they can do aerial high spots. Cage comes back in the ring and tosses guys around, and honestly as little as I like Page, it’s pretty good. There’s a cool spot where Aerostar tries to dive onto Cage, who is waiting for him; Cage catches him in vertical suplex position and lands a Jackhammer for two. That was a unique spot that came off smoothly. Eventually, Argenis dives onto Cage at ringside, and Aerostar does this cool looking back splash onto both of them, looking like a fish who has just been hooked and being yanked out of the water as he falls. I don’t know if that’s the best way to put it, but it was a neat visual way to complete a dive. He basically did a trust fall from way up in the skies (and his trust was reinforced since Cage and Argenis safely caught him). Angelico follows up with a wild dive over the corner post onto all of them. He got what I would call a whole lot of air on that one. Well, those were some very aesthetically pleasing dives. I actually think I prefer dives with fewer flips and more air, at least from an aesthetic standpoint. Watching someone do a 450 – meh. Watching someone get so much air that they look like they’re floating – awesome. Maybe this preference comes from being a former basketball fan and watching that Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers tape about five hundred times as a kid. That sort of effortless grace in the air that you’d see from Michael Jordan or Dominique Wilkins (or Spud Webb!) has always meant a ton to me from an aesthetic perspective. Anyway, let me stop pontificating on what I like about dives to report on what happens when the match re-enters the ring. Cage hits a sitout pumphandle facebuster on Argenis and earns a three count, then immediately tosses a charging Aerostar onto his face and follows with a double powerbomb, the last of which he hits by tossing Aerostar into Angelico. Cage follows with a lariat on Aerostar for another three count. Angelico tries to run and flip and dive, but he runs and flips and dives himself into another Cage lariat that also gets three and allows Cage to not only win the match, but run the table on eliminations as he wins. Cage talks after the match, dropping his ”I’m not a man; I’m a machine” catchphrase and generally looking like a beast. The crowd definitely got into his act in the ring, and though I’m not a fan of his in general, tonight, I think he came off really well. It was also wise to let him sweep all three eliminations. And of course, I have to give Cage himself credit for working a good series of spots in there and emphasizing his power advantage. Power vs. speed and agility is the ring story best suited to this company’s matches, IMO. Good stuff, enjoyable bout, got the guy over it meant to. We come back from a break to see Chavo Guerrero Jr. sitting in a chair and getting booed. Chavo begs off and claims that he made a mistake attacking Blue Demon Jr. (S1, Show 2) and creating a rift between both them and their families. He requests Demon’s presence so that he can apologize to Demon. Now, Chavo has set up two chairs in the ring so they can sit and have a discussion, and Chavo kicked off this whole feud with a bunch of chair shots, and Chavo and Sexy Star have been beating one another with chairs this whole time, so I assume that those chairs are not going to be only for sitting! Chavo’s apology is a farce, of course, claiming that he is sorry for not having exposed Demon as a fraud and replacing Demon’s fabric mask with a mask of Demon’s own blood. Chavo tries to load his fist and swing for the fences, but Demon is smart enough to see it coming; he cuts Chavo off with punches, then grabs his chair and lands a weak chair shot to Chavo as Chavo begs off again. The crowd demands another chair shot, so Demon obliges with a shot across Chavo’s back. In some awkward post-production voiceover work, Matt Striker is very clear in his emphasis to the viewers at home that this feud is now over and Demon has won it after this encounter, which I find fascinating. Did Chavo and Demon have another mediocre match, but they didn’t bother airing it because Demon isn’t very good (at this point? ever?) and they made the decision to terminate the feud here instead? Chavo should probably be used better – here I am writing that sentence yet again – but this whole feud termination deal was just strange. I felt that Chavo vs. Sexy Star was actually the way more interesting aspect of the whole Chavo heel turn myself, though it’s not like Sexy Star is lighting up the ring with her work, either. King Cuerno is on the hunt once more; he is stalking Drago again tonight. Striker suggests that this is the rubber match that will finish this feud, though Vampiro hastily inserts that this might be the start of a longer-term rivalry. Drago tries to finish it early by running and landing a rana for a 2.8 early on. Cuerno stops some weak Drago slaps with a kick that sends Drago to the floor; Cuerno follows up with a pretty plancha. Then, rather than following up immediately, he goes to the other side of the ring and drags a table from underneath the apron, setting it up over on that side of the ring before going back over to Drago and bringing Drago onto the apron near the table. Now with the table and his opponent fully in position, Cuerno sets up for a powerslam through the table, but Drago squirms away, dropkicks Cuerno to the floor, then scores a running, spinning crossbody from the ring to Cuerno on the mats below. I’m sure all these differing dives have technical names, so please forgive me for going full lucha Jim Ross and declaring each dive a “plancha” or “dive” or “crossbody” the way that Ross declares each kick a “martial arts kick.” Anyway, Drago takes a long time to get up and recover from the dive that he hit, and then, uh, something happens before we cut to Drago back on the ground and Cuerno holding a chair. What the fuck? Anyway, Cuerno misses a chair shot and then Drago splatters the shit out of himself by catching too much of the floor when he dives from the roof of Dario’s offense and splashes Cuerno through the table, where both men get counted out. So much for this being the rubber match. I can’t tell if my copy had the weird cuts or if it was just this particular show being edited like total garbage. Between the obvious voice over from Striker regarding Demon and Chavo and then this weird series of edits to get us to the finish of the previous match, this show seems like it was produced by Fuckin’ Craig Leathers (that’s his full name every time I mention him in a review, just in case you didn’t know). Hype video: Rey Fenix does lots of dives, hopes to match his namesake by rising again after every fall. It looks like we’re getting about fifteen minutes for the Rey Fenix vs. Prince Puma Lucha Underground Championship bout, which sounds like wrestling hell to me. Both men shake hands to start, rush through some standing switches, and immediately start diving and counter-diving and flipping and counter-flipping and doing the sort of choreographed-looking standoff shit that I truly despise in my pro wrestling. Look, you know exactly how I feel about this match and these competitors, so I’m not going to spend a ton of time talking to you about all the meaningless-feeling stuff that these guys do to one another because selling accumulated damage takes away from the need to get into position for the next spot. This match goes on too long for me, has too many spots where guys need to ignore everything except for rushing into position to complete them, and is a perfect example of what really bums me out about modern pro wrestling in general. We get a shot of Dorian Roldan watching the action in the crowd. Vampiro once again mentions getting kicked by Fit Finlay so much that he thought his lungs were expelled from his body, the second time that Vamp has mentioned Fit Finlay’s stiff kicks in the first ten episodes. I assume Vampiro took these kicks back in early 2000 during their feud and am impressed that Vampiro can still instinctively feel them almost fifteen years later. Puma hits what is a very bad axe kick, and Vampiro then remembers Booker T. murking him with an axe kick back in 2000 or so. WCW: Full of Guys What Kicked Hard! Anyway, this match is still going and has slowed down a bit, but I mostly enjoy commentary talking about WCW wrestlers’ in-ring strategies. Striker talks about Arn Anderson teaching him to throw punches to set up for more elaborate moves when Vampiro expresses disbelief that Puma is throwing punches when he’s got a ton of more complex offensive moves in his arsenal. That was a pretty good point, actually. And on cue, Puma uses a few punches and chops to weaken Fenix for a standing bow-and-arrow that Puma turns into a slam and a roll-up that gets two. The synergy between the discussion on commentary and that spot was excellent. Fenix whiffs on one enziguri when Puma ducks it, but keeps trying enziguris until one hits, and both men fall out and actually sell exhaustion for awhile before Fenix lands a handspring cutter out of a rope run for two. Honestly, this match went from “starting out eye-rollingly bad” to “ finishing up actually decent enough” as it has slowed down a bit (and with the surprising assistance of the commentary team). Fenix tries another handspring move, but gets caught and hit with a series of suplexes, first a Northern Lights that he rolls through on and into a floatover vertical suplex for two. Striker and Vampiro then bum me out by talking about how both men change up the sequencing of their spots from match to match, so thanks to you two for reminding me that everything is a work. I want to like you two, dammit, so more talking about what you learned from your wrestling careers, especially from former WCW wrestlers (hey, on cue, Dr. Death gets a mention from Vampiro!) and less on saying things like, paraphrasing here: Both guys do the same spots, but in a different order each time unlike WWE wrestlers, because they want to ENTERTAIN THE FANS just as much as WWE wrestlers do, except differently. Vampiro is now railing on about Puma lifting moves off Jushin Liger and Great Sasuke after Striker claims that Fenix lifted a leaping shooting star press off Puma. That was funny. Anyway, we’re in the “move stealing” part of the match, which is so different from big WWE matches where that never happens. Seriously, LU shares more in its house style DNA with WWE than it presents itself as doing. The elements of LU that are particularly different from WWE are the nature of its episodic storytelling and the cool presentation of the Temple and the backstage segments. Take, for example, this convoluted finish with Fenix setting up an elaborate rope-walking spot only for Puma to kick him to the mat and follow up with a 630 Senton Bomb for the win. That type of finishing sequence would be something that, say, Seth Rollins and Tyson Kidd might do on a random NXT or Superstars episode. All this is to say that I didn’t enjoy the match, but it ended up being merely okay rather than actively bad, which is a win for these two considering the matchup and the house style. After the match, Cage gets over as a heel by backjumping Puma and laying him out with a lariat and a double-powerbomb, thus making a claim for becoming the new number one contender. I think feeding Cage to Puma is a great idea if the plan is to make Puma a long-term fighting champ. There were simply not enough seedy backstage interstitials or storyline development for my tastes. This is understandably a niche opinion, but when Lucha Underground doesn’t have enough talking and tries to instead lean on its wrestling, it ends up being far worse in quality than when it does the reverse. Ten shows in, and I’m pretty bored! I’ll stick with it because the last time I did, there was a point in the first season where the storylines became excellent and stayed that way for the next season or two (at least as I recall it), but with each early show that I watch, it becomes more obvious why I bounced off of it the first time I tried watching it. 2.5 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Season 1, Show 9: “Aztec Warfare,” or Total War: Boyle Heights Recap: Like the money mark that he is at heart, Dario Cueto went out and spent his money on a gorgeous title belt, which he is now putting on the line in LU’s first ever Aztec Warfare match. There are some people dressed in Aztec dress drumming and dancing, and it is RAD, and then Dario Cueto cuts in from his position in the ring to hype his match creation. The match rules: There are twenty competitors, two wrestlers start, another wrestler enters every ninety seconds, wrestlers are eliminated by pinfall or submission, and there are no disqualifications. OK, so a Royal Rumble, but with pinfalls and submissions rather than over-the-top-rope eliminations (and probably way more weapon spots). Alright, let’s try to keep track of this sucker. Rey Fenix (Entrant 1) based on his loss in last week's main event; Johnny Mundo (Entrant 2) joins him in the ring, and I can’t do justice to Cueto’s mic work here – you have to hear Cueto’s intonation on the words “by random draw,” because holy shit is it obvious that he is lying about that, and he knows that you know he’s lying about it, but you can’t really call him on it because you have no evidence to the contrary. Fantastic, um, line reading, I suppose? Yeah, we’ll call it that. Both men flop around for a bit until Cisco (Entrant 3) makes his way down and unloads on both guys. Vampiro gets annoyed at Striker, so yeah, it’s time for Yo, shut the fuck up, Matt Striker: Says that Cisco’s nickname is “rusty screwdriver,” calls his senton splash “Shawshank Redemption,” and yeah, I agree with Vampiro’s “I thought you were gonna stop taking notes” remark. Cisco [Elimination 1] quickly loses control and eats a Mundo End of the World for three. Both men are down after a break, when King Cuerno (Entrant 4) joins the fray. I think I prefer guys tying up on the ropes and throwing soupbones to people doing as many flipping moves to one another as possible while others lay around where necessary. Next up is Son of Havoc (Entrant 5), who Mundo immediately yanks around by his beard, though he does hit a back elbow on Mundo in revenge. Everyone dives at everyone else. This isn’t doing much for me. I prefer house styles where dives are earned or rare. Pimpinela Escarlata (Entrant 6) sashays to the ring and actually entertains me by doing fun shtick while delivering moves. Pimpinella smooches Fenix, and I guess it was a good one because Pimpinella's hunting the ref next, though that smooch attempt gets broken up by Cuerno. Prince Puma (Entrant 7) goes right at Johnny Mundo when he makes it to the ring, unloading with fists and a dropkick. I appreciate Puma’s fire, which certainly matches how upset he probably still is at Mundo’s wayward chair shot that cost him that match against Ryck a few eps back. I’m not really a Puma/Ricochet guy, but I think he’s a nice midcard piece for any roster. The camera cuts to the same hitwoman who shows up each week scowling at this whole affair from her point in the stands. Move that storyline along already, please. Ivelisse Velez (Entrant 8 ) runs to the ring and immediately hits Cuerno with a rana, then scores a tornado DDT on Fenix. Pimpinela jumps in the ring and tries to kiss everydamnbody, but Ivelisse kicks him and then sets Pimpinela [Elimination 2] up for a Havoc SSP that earns a three count. Drago (Entrant 9) is the next man up; Cuerno just chills in the corner and watches Drago fight off a few other wrestlers, obviously scouting Drago for any new move. Drago fights about three guys off before Cuerno picks him off with an enziguri. Cuerno sets Drago up for a Thrill of the Hunt, but Ivelisse [Elimination 3] makes the mistake of trying to catch Cuerno in mid-move and unawares with a kick; Cuerno drops Drago, but snatches her up in his place and completes a Thrill of the Hunt for three. Next up, we finally find out who the masked dude who attacked Johnny Mundo in the ladder match is: Bael (Entrant 10), another ineffective flunky for Mundo and Puma to toss around. He’s not in the ring long so that Puma can have the ring to himself. He tosses Havoc [Elimination 4] out of a fireman’s carry and into a kick to the ear that rattles his brain and scores a successful pinfall for Puma. Cortez Castro (Entrant 11) is in at the next ninety second interval; he joins Bael in attacking Puma and Mundo in the ring. They go back and forth for a minute-and-a-half; Ricky Mandel (Entrant 12) makes his way to the ring, acting like a fiery ‘80s babyface. Meanwhile, Puma scores a standing SSP on Bael [Elimination 5] for three and Mundo downs Cortez [Elimination 6] with a dropkick and a bad running knee for three. Big Ryck (Entrant 13) makes it out with all of his flunkies already eliminated, which means that he should probably fire them and get better flunkies! The annoyed Ryck immediately plants Ricky Mandel [Elimination 7] with a uranage for three, then presses Drago [Elimination 8] onto Cuerno’s shoulders so that Cuerno can score a Thrill of the Hunt for three, though Cuerno [Elimination 9] barely has time to celebrate because Mundo quickly sneaks up and crucifixes his shoulders to the mat for three. The IMO strangely under-pushed Pentagon Jr. (Entrant 14) walks down the stairs, and I say that not even liking Penta that much. Penta controls the ring as the fresh man, scoring an array of powerbombs that is admittedly pretty neat! He drapes Puma across his knee on the way down and then pops Fenix way up in the air for a powerbomb. Super Fly (Entrant 15) enters in the midst of all this action; Puma holds him up for a Mundo kick, but Super Fly moves and Mundo kicks Puma instead, which I’m sure isn’t going to help their relationship! Speaking of, Puma and Mundo fight over who gets to try and punch Ryck in the face as Chavo Guerrero Jr. (Entrant 16) walks out, bright enough to bring a chair with him since this is a no disqualification match. He immediately gets in the ring and clobbers Super Fly [Elimination 10] with it, then covers for three. Penta [Elimination 11] slaps Chavo five, and Chavo responds with a chair shot that puts him down for three as well. I must emphasize that I really think LU’s bookers have royally fucked up with how they have presented and used Penta so far, and I once again must emphasize that I say that as someone who isn’t a fan of the guy. We’re getting closer to our final entrant, but first: Mascarita Sagrada (Entrant 17)! There’s a commercial break here, and when we come back, Sagrada is hitting a series of dives on Chavo until Chavo uses his size to bully Sagrada by shoving him into the ropes, though Sagrada comes back with a head scissors. I will say that Fenix kicks a diving Sagrada in the face, and that’s my favorite offensive move he’s done all watch through. That looked sick. Sexy Star (Entrant 18) charges Chavo Jr. and immediately tangles with him, even hitting a running splash off the apron. Meanwhile, Sagrada tries to take on Ryck in the middle of the ring. That ends with Ryck destroying Sagrada [Elimination 12] with a diving lariat and pinning him for three. That lariat ruled. It's El Mariachi Loco (Entrant 19) as our penultimate competitor in the match! Mariachi works complicated spots with Fenix, Mundo, and Puma while we count down to our final entrant, though not before Ryck clears Mariachi out with a huge lariat. Finally, though, Mil Muertes (Entrant 20) and Catrina walk down the aisle. All that is left is to count eliminations. Muertes quickly lands a Flatliner on Mariachi [Elimination 13], throws a punch at a diving Fenix to turn his attack aside, and then pins Mariachi for three. Now Muertes and Ryck face off, and Ryck is so much bigger than Muertes, man. I don’t buy that they should be trading shoulderblocks in a standoff. I think Ryck should have run this dude over. As it turns out, Ryck is eliminated by a series of moves, including a Fenix 450 in which he lands on Chavo as Chavo tries a lateral press on Ryck. Those two guys hold Ryck [Elimination 14] down for three, though Chavo retrieves his chair and – what a hero! – cracks Fenix [Elimination 15] in the crown with it, then eliminates the way over-pushed chump with a pinfall. I am probably the only one in LU’s audience who would have loved it it if Chavo were the weaselly, cheating, advantage-taking veteran heel LU Champion, which is why they didn’t book it that way, but personally, I would be about a million times more excited to keep watching if we were getting at least a month or two of that. You let Blue Demon Jr. beat him for it and then quickly transition it to Muertes or whatever. That’s what I want to see, dammit! So, Star squares up with Chavo and tells him to put down the chair. He pretends to, but of course he doesn’t, and of course, Star anticipates this and dropkicks him before he can swing. Unfortunately for her, Chavo snatches her out of mid-air and slams her right onto the closed chair, then grinds the chair into her face with his boot. He goes up for a Frog Splash…and is attacked by Blue Demon Jr. before he can launch. Since there are no DQs, this is all aboveboard, as is Star recovering and using the chair to crack Chavo [Elimination 16] in the dome before covering him for three. Demon uses his Spanish to promise Chavo that this was only the beginning of the pain that Demon has in store for him. Our final four contestants are Johnny Mundo, Prince Puma, Sexy Star, and Mil Muertes. Huh, only Mundo doesn’t have an alliterative name. Striker has been pretty bad on PBP all night and continues to be bad – “He who gets wet earliest has the most time to dry” is not what I’d call an insightful comment about a guy who has been in here since the start of the bout, buddy. He has more accumulated damage. You can’t “dry off” accumulated damage. You also can’t “dry off” a Muertes spear to the gut if you’re Sexy Star [Elimination 17]. That one looked nasty and rightfully put her down for three. Puma lays on the floor as Mundo goes at Muertes; Puma attempts a superplex, gets blocked, and gets some help from Puma to get Muertes over even though Mundo keeps fucking up and hitting Puma. Puma tries to get some momentum, but Catrina trips him. OK, so Puma grabs her by the hair, but dodges when Muertes tries to rush him. Muertes pulls up short, and in the first spot that I’ve audibly reacted to all night, Mundo attempts to land a springboard kick on him, but drills Catrina instead when Muertes instinctively moves. Well, uh, that’s one missed kick Mundo is probably gonna regret! In fact, Muertes goozles Mundo, but in a somewhat disappointing outcome, Puma lands double knees off the top to Muertes, and then Puma and Mundo hit dual 450 springboard splashes on Muertes [Elimination 18] and pile on top of him for three. I have no interest in either of the remaining wrestlers being champ. I will say that the finishing run isn’t worked at full speed, which I appreciate. Mundo tries a single crab instead of diving off of all the things and springboarding on every move, for example, which makes sense since he’s been in here for forty-odd minutes. Richochet also picks his spots when flying and even sells fatigue as he moves. I appreciate their restraint. Then again, Mundo kicks out of a Super C-4, so I take back that “restraint” remark. Puma tries to go back up, but Mundo fights him on it, then joins him up top and scores a poisoned rana that knocks Puma into a position for the End of the World that only gets 2.9. I can’t believe that I used the word “restraint” with these two. You shouldn’t be kicking out of this shit after twenty-plus minutes in the ring, dammit! I hate it! Fuck! At least we’re almost at the end of this overlong finishing run, which ends with Puma [WINNER] finishing off Mundo [Elimination 19] with his 630 Senton for the three and the gold. Konnan walks out to join his charge in celebration. This match wasn’t good enough for me to feel like it was enough to carry a whole show, but it was better than I might have suspected it would be beforehand. What this show really needs are more guys above 6’4 and a strong heel champion, either through being an inveterate cheating dickhead or being a complete monster killer. Hopefully the Puma experiment on top doesn’t last too long. 2.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5. Bonus: Here's a handy table of entrances and eliminations for you! Aztec Warfare Elimination Table #1 (Season One, Episode Nine) Entrant Eliminations Made Eliminated By (Order) 1. Rey Fenix 0.5 (Big Ryck) Chavo Guerrero Jr. (15th) 2. Johnny Mundo 3.5 (Cisco, Cortez Castro, King Cuerno, Mil Muertes) Prince Puma (19th) 3. Cisco None Johnny Mundo (1st) 4. King Cuerno 2 (Ivelisse, Drago) Johnny Mundo (9th) 5. Son of Havoc 1 (Pimpinela Escarlata) Prince Puma (4th) 6. Pimpinela Escarlata None Son of Havoc (2nd) 7. Prince Puma 3.5 (Son of Havoc, Bael, Mil Muertes, Johnny Mundo) WINNER AND NEW LUCHA UNDERGROUND CHAMPION 8. Ivelisse Velez None King Cuerno (3rd) 9. Drago None King Cuerno (8th) 10. Bael None Prince Puma (5th) 11. Cortez Castro None Johnny Mundo (6th) 12. Ricky Mandel None Big Ryck (7th) 13. Big Ryck 2 (Ricky Mandel, Mascarita Sagrada) Rey Fenix and Chavo Guerrero Jr. (14th) 14. Pentagon Jr. None Chavo Guerrero Jr. (11th) 15. Super Fly None Chavo Guerrero Jr. (10th) 16. Chavo Guerrero Jr. 3.5 (Super Fly, Pentagon Jr., Big Ryck, Rey Fenix) Sexy Star (16th) 17. Mascarita Sagrada None Big Ryck (12th) 18. Sexy Star 1 (Chavo Guerrero Jr.) Mil Muertes (17th) 19. El Mariachi Loco None Mil Muertes (13th) 20. Mil Muertes 2 (El Mariachi Loco, Sexy Star) Prince Puma and Johnny Mundo (18th)

Sexton Hardcastle is still the winner of that contest, though of course, that's what Adam Copeland was going for.

Season 1, Show 8: “A Unique Opportunity,” or Bejeweled! Before we lucha… Recap: There was a mediocre ladder match last week, but at least it closed off that 100K cash prize plot point from the beginning of the season! We start in media res with a bunch of wrestlers already in the ring, waiting on an address from Dario Cueto. Dario soon steps out of his office and offers a dry “I love you too” to the fans who are booing the shit out of him. It made me laugh. Dario’s come up with another convoluted way to have human beings commit violence against one another. He says that this is the first of two ten-way matches. Uh, so not a battle royal? A Terrible Tenway Match? No, I don’t like that nomenclature. A Decimator Match? A Decadent Violence Match? Anyway, everyone attacks Ryck, who throws them all back…except for Mascarita Sagrada, who fires ineffectual punches at Ryck’s abs. Noticing how little effect they have, he does pushups and hypes himself up, then has a goofy little exchange with the hapless Ryck. I forgot to mention this nice touch, but Puma is in the ring with his ribs heavily taped, selling the injury by casually clutching at his side. That’s good. The structure of a ten-man match that ends in a single pinfall is not so good. Either everyone is sitting around watching two guys wrestle like with Ryck or Sagrita or, uh, they sit around and watch four guys wrestle, doing spots one after the other in a my-turn, your-turn style. This is a very bad match. I’ll tell you if anything worthwhile happens. I’ll at least give this match credit for having Drago and King Cuerno target one another a bit. Otherwise, this match is actively bad. I dig a couple of wrestlers diving practically into Danny Trejo’s lap at ringside, so there’s that, I suppose? LU’s house style is one of my least favorite that I’ve ever seen, so you can imagine that Puma and Fenix doing gymnastics routines in which selling seems like a totally unnecessary component of their work is wrestling hell for me. This thing seems as though it won’t end, but eventually, mercifully, it does: Fenix spikes Puma with an admittedly cool jumping inverted sitout piledriver – a leaping Rikishi Driver, basically – for three. That’s really too bad, considering how much I hate Fenix’s work. I have to say that, no exaggeration, this was one of the worst pro wrestling matches that I’ve seen in a minute, and mind you that I’ve recently watched the bulk of 1999 and 2000 WCW. And there’s another one of these matches later in the show? Fuck. Hype video: Brian Cage pushes tires, roars, promises to soon arrive in Lucha Underground. Seedy backstage interstitial: Konnan excoriates Puma for eating a loss in that first match, but he makes the mistake of aggressively putting his hand on Puma’s shoulder. Puma faces off with him, but rather than coming to blows, Konnan threatens to withdraw his mentorship if Puma keeps eating Ls and blowing opportunities. Johnny Mundo makes his way into the ring as the only person to get an entrance in the second of our two ten-person matches. Well, at least this one is a battle royal and not a ten-person match to one fall. Wait, hold on, it’s a Boyle Heights Battle Royal. Excuse me. There are only nine people in this ring right now, though. Ah, I must correct myself once more; Chavo Guerrero Jr. also gets a proper entrance as the tenth competitor in this battle royal. Sexy Star doesn’t wait for Chavo to even get in the ring; she steps onto the apron and dives onto an unwitting Chavo, then throws strikes at him outside the ring. Matt Striker said he once sat at the learning tree with William Regal who taught him, um, to stay in the middle of the ring during battle royals. Did you really need Regal to tell you this, Striker? That seems like a kayfabe waste of talking to Regal about strategy. The attractive hitwoman of East Asian descent is once again in the stands, watching the action with a peculiar scowl on her face. Ricky Mandel gets gang tossed to the floor. Mil Muertes eliminates Pimpinela Escuela after a spear; meanwhile, Chavo hits a bunch of hair-assisted heel offense on Star, then drags her around by her roots until she fights back with a Codebreaker. Actually, their sequence here is really good, easily the best thing I’ve seen all night. Star tries to dive onto Chavo, who catches her and deposits her to the floor. Consistently having fun sequences with Sexy Star of all people: Add another tally to the “Chavo was actually a great worker, so let’s all give him his flowers” count. Mundo gets dumped onto the apron, and Vampiro mentions that if Fit Finley were standing near the apron right now, he’d use his love of apron-assisted offense to punt Mundo in the kidneys. Vampiro would know as I’m pretty sure Fit did that very thing to him at Uncensored 2000 (or something similar, anyway). Mundo manages to avoid being eliminated by carefully hooking the bottom ropes with his toes, then uses a bodyscissors to hook Cortez to the floor from his spot on the apron. Chavo takes the opportunity to jump Cisco and toss him; Muertes spears the guy who wore a mask and attacked Mundo in the ladder match last week and is now, I suppose, the third of Ryck’s flunkies. That third flunky gets tossed. Our final three are Mil Muertes, Chavo Jr., and Johnny Mundo. Mundo tries to run the ropes to attack Muertes but Catrina grabs his ankle. Muertes gets Mundo onto the apron, but Mundo fights him off and scores a springboard dropkick. Chavo charges Mundo, but Mundo crotches him on the top rope and then kicks him square in the head, toppling him to the floor. As Mundo and Muertes face off, I realize that WWE guys used to all pretty much be big (at least as of 2014) because Mundo is taller than the monster Muertes and, while not as wide, about generally as big. In any case, we get shots of Catrina and the assassin lady as Mundo and Muertes go at it. Mundo actually handles Muertes for most of this, which I think is a mistake considering how Muertes is being portrayed as some sort of undead and/or immortal beast. Both men end up trading strikes on the apron, which is an exchange Muertes wins. Mundo hooks his ankles around the bottom rope and survives, then slides back into the ring and scores a leaping kick on Mundo. Mundo attempts an End of the World, but Muertes moves. Mundo injures his knee on the whiff, and when he hobbles to his feet, Muertes lariats him to the floor to earn the victory. That was a much better ten-person match. I feel like if the first match were also a battle royal, Cuerno and Drago could have had a better extended exchange akin to the one Chavo and Star had, whereas that match they were in was basically people lining up to do spots to one another. Fenix is also as tall as Muertes, I note, when we get back to the show and see them facing off against one another. Anyway, Dario Cueto comes out holding the Lucha Underground Championship and declares that he has an announcement to make! The crowd WHATs him. This Temple crowd is the worst of WWE crowds combined with the worst of AEW/indie crowds. Cueto also introduces his newest match creation: Aztec Warfare. That match will make its debut on our next episode. As for Muertes and Fenix, Dario makes them fight one another for a “unique opportunity,” but it’s not that unique. It’s just that they get to enter the Aztec Warfare Match last, as opposed to the winner, who must go first. I don’t know, this was a muddled explanation of Aztec Warfare. So, there are twenty wrestlers in that match, and going first is bad and going last is good, but what does that really mean? What type of match is it? A Royal Rumble-style battle royal? A Colorado Collision Elimination Chamber-style match? I honestly don’t remember, and remembering or knowing what the match was like in advance would be the only way that Dario’s spiel made sense. Between this explanation of Aztec Warfare and that third flunky on Ryck’s crew not being explicitly introduced (Striker did mumble his name once in the battle royal before he was eliminated, but I missed it), LU has been struggling to make sense these past couple of shows. And that’s before I complain that it would make significantly more sense to just have Muertes and Fenix fight for the championship right now seeing as they both won their matches that collectively involved every other wrestler currently active in this company, though at least that can be explained away by Dario being the sort of capricious and cruel taskmaster that Kevin Sullivan merely aspired to be. I’m hoping that Fenix wrestling a powerhouse like Muertes can bring something decent out of him. Fenix actually has to take time to sell for Muertes’s moves, which is novel. I mean, he does a shitty job of it, but baby steps! Fenix actually sells hitting Muertes with a dive and being also hurt by such a dangerous move, and for him, that’s worth more than a thousand of his rope bounces to “build momentum” for a simple armdrag. Fenix makes it back to the ring first, but runs himself right into a spear. Catrina snaps Fenix’s neck across the bottom rope for good measure; Muertes follows up with a DDT for two. Muertes next tries a running powerslam, but that only scores a two count as well. He then makes the mistake of shooting Fenix into the ropes, where Fenix is at his most dangerous, and he is met with a rebound somersault back elbow. Fenix attempts to press his advantage and up the speed quotient of the match, but when he tries to leap onto Muertes’s shoulders for a rana, Muertes counter-powerbombs him for two. Ol’ Muertes might be immortal, but just because someone has all the time in the world, that doesn’t mean they’re going to use it to learn a damned thing. Muertes shoots Fenix in again, and Fenix once again rebound somersaults off the ropes and this time lands a cutter. That only earns two from the ref, so Fenix goes up to try and finish Mil off, only to leap right into a short uppercut. Muertes goozles the woozy Fenix, drags him to his feet, and then drops him with a Flatliner for three. That wasn’t a good match – it was merely okay – but it was easily the best match Fenix has had so far, and it’s not close. Catrina offers Fenix a lick of death and Muertes a makeout session as the show closes… Seedy backstage interstitial: …or maybe not as after the credits roll, we see Dario Cueto talking to a certain someone in a certain holding cell about the ancient Aztec gold that makes up the LU Championship belt and how it is not only beautiful, but that it imbues the belt with a certain power. However, Dario notes, ol’ Matanza isn’t allowed to touch it because “I know how you like to destroy pretty things.” Well, that’s ominous! This show was not good! We mostly put the major storylines by the wayside in terms of progression. The hitwoman thing is too slow a burn for my tastes, and the first match was wretched nonsense. I am hopeful, however, that the introduction of the Lucha Underground Championship helps move storylines along, especially if holding the gold is a plot motivator for people who want to use its power to achieve their goals. I mean, I’m not entirely against episodes that set up future plot, but it feels like the last three episodes have spun their wheels doing that, and this episode never got above mediocrity with its wrestling outside of the fun Chavo/Star stuff. 1.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

They really lost the plot when they booked another British loss in that 1812 rematch they had in New Orleans. Killed the territory.

Spencer and Company can't manage a developer to save their lives. They're just so bad at shepherding games to market. Obsidian and ActiBlizz devs are the only ones who seem to be able to operate without stricter management. I'm surprised that some of their smaller posessions are still intact. I was (and will remain) worried for Double Fine specifically.

Season 1, Show 7: “The Top of the Ladder,” or Death Stranding: In the Rafters Are you hyped for more lucha? I sure am! Recap: Sexy Star and Chavo Jr. are continuing their beefing; Pentagon Jr. is jobbing way the hell too much for some reason; Dario Cueto is putting Big Ryck’s cash bonus up for grabs by hanging it from the ceiling tonight. I just saw Razor/HBK Ladder Match I on the WWF New Generation live channel, and that match still holds up and is better than like 95% of other ladder matches ever put on film. Actually, I prefer Bret/Shawn, Razor/Shawn I, and Razor/Shawn II to like every other ladder match out there by a wide distance. All this is to say that I should warn you in advance that I might be lower on this ladder match than most folks, though if they found a way to drag Scott Hall out here to conduct spots, it could surprise me! But before all that, we have a whole bunch of show to watch (as does Danny Trejo, who is chilling in the front row). King Cuerno opens the show tonight against the debuting Super Fly. No, it’s not a black dude doing a Youngblood gimmick. No, it’s (thankfully) not Jimmy Snuka either. It’s just a dude with an animal-themed name for Cuerno to hunt. Instead of using Raid and a swatter, Cuerno uses dropkicks and eventually a Thrill of the Hunt for the victory. Drago watches these proceedings while perched somewhere in the building, just spoiling for a rubber match against Cuerno. The match around those aforementioned spots is okay, and Super Fly hits a dope somersault plancha to Cuerno on the floor very cleanly. Gorgeous dive. Cuerno takes over after that with a series of running knees and kicks, leading to the aforementioned Thrill of the Hunt. Cuerno locks eyes with Drago while hitting that move and scoring the pinfall. Yeah, I’m absolutely into a blowoff match between these two, and they got me there through good work and smart progression from match to match. Hype video: Pentagon Jr. is zero-for-three so far, but let’s hype this man anyway! Mexico and Japan have a great synergy in sending wrestlers back and forth to vary their styles, and Penta apparently went to Japan to learn how to be a great hand-to-hand fighter, though weirdly, he doesn’t show any of this prowess in his matches except for maybe that arm breaker that this video gets over at the very end. Chavo Guerrero Jr. (w/Pentagon Jr.) faces Rey Fenix (w/Sexy Star). I’m going to be real, these feuds between Star/Chavo and Penta/Fenix seem to be running in place, and I’m not sure we needed another configuration of these wrestlers on yet another show. The slow burn isn’t working for me; we need to widen the cast of characters sooner rather than later. As for this match, it’s pretty good with Chavo’s heel control work being a solid way to make Fenix’s explosions of offense stand out and feel earned rather than just feeling like random spates of Cirque du Soleil-style flippy routines. Actually, there’s a rad spot here where Fenix tries his double-knees spot that pinned Penta last week, but Chavo holds onto a leg, rolls through with the momentum, and locks on a deep single-leg crab. That was so smooth that I almost wish it was the finish even though it’s obvious that Chavo’s not going over Fenix cleanly. Chavo continues working Fenix’s knee; Fenix fights up, but Chavo lays out Fenix with a nice lariat. It’s a pleasure to watch Chavo work, even if he has to stand right next to Penta and stare up at Fenix balancing himself on the top rope for a half-minute rather than moving out of the way of this obvious dive. Chavo does kill another Fenix springboard move with a counter-dropkick before wrapping Fenix’s knee around the rope, but Fenix just does stuff without selling knee damage anyway, so does any of Chavo’s work really matter? Fenix is out here springboarding around the top rope and landing top-rope superkicks because they look cool. Thankfully, Penta trips Fenix as Fenix effortlessly hops up to the top rope, and Chavo follows up with a quick Frog Splash for three. Man, as good as Chavo still is, Fenix fucking SUCKS. What an awful fucking wrestler. Chavo’s knee work looked so hurty, and Fenix didn’t even think about selling it for longer than it actually happened just so that he could do his overelaborate FAKE-looking offense. Yes, I used the “F” word, but Fenix insists on breaking my immersion with every movement he makes, so there! Sexy Star gets in the ring after the match and lets Chavo Jr. know that Blue Demon Jr. let her know that Demon’s coming back to see Chavo about that chair attack that Chavo perpetrated on Demon back in episode number two. Debut vignette: This Wolverine looking motherfucker Brian Cage kinda stinks, and in fact will be kinda stinking up my screen and joining LU soon. Well, I asked for a wider cast of characters, so I really can’t complain, can I? Wow, this ladder match is going to get a ton of time. Melissa Santos uses her idiosyncratic style of ring announcing to introduce first Big Ryck, then Johnny Mundo, and finally Prince Puma (w/Konnan). Let me give Matt Striker his props here: He notes that Stampede Wrestling innovated the ladder match and that Shawn Michaels, Razor Ramon, and Bret Hart successfully brought it into the mainstream (without, of course, mentioning WWF/E as the place in which they did this). I do appreciate the historical context for this match. Honestly, when Striker can restrain himself and pick his spots to appropriately set such context, I can find enjoyment in his work. Vampiro and Striker also talk about the former’s experience in ladder matches against X-Pac, and excuse me? This happened? I want to see it. Hold on, apparently they had a variety of matches in Mexico and in LU progenitor Wrestling Society X. Also, Reddit informs me that this happened: https://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/hus480/vampiro_tombstones_xpac_to_an_exploding_casket/ Well, that is amazing. I clearly don’t watch enough wrestling. That’s what I learned from this search into the history between Vampiro and Sean Waltman. Meanwhile, Vampiro is talking about wrestlers from Wigan snatching ankles, and look, if I’m going to complain about the commentary when it sucks, I need to give the commentary love when I enjoy it. Even Striker growling out a Val Venis-like HELLO, LADIES when the camera catches a few young women sitting right next to the spot where a Mundo dive occurs isn’t going to make me take any of that praise back. Oh yeah, you’re probably wondering about this match! It is perfectly fine. What I think helps it is that Ryck has Cisco and Cortez enter the match, which makes it a one-on-one-on-three bout and which offers a further distraction for the babyfaces. At one point, Mundo is so focused on potentially putting one of the flunkies through a table that he forgets about Puma, an actual competitor in the match, and gets draped across the front rope. They do a dumb spot where Mundo tries to push the ladder onto Puma, but of course he’s standing in a spot where the ladder falls around him untouched, and the spot is really only dumb because of Puma’s strange reaction to it. I think he’s trying to indicate that he feels lucky about standing in the one spot that left him un-crushed by the ladder, but he didn’t nearly pull it off. Puma and Mundo do high spots off the ladder, but to me the most interesting thing is seeing if Big Ryck will somehow snake this match. Honestly, there isn’t enough Ryck launching the smaller guys around in this match. If you’re going to have a big dude matched with two flyers, there should be more of the big dude pressing the little guys onto and into ladders. The crowd starts a THIS IS AWESOME CHANT, which they do all the time for almost every even remotely interesting spot, so of course I’m so inured that I assume that the spot they’re chanting for isn’t really that awesome because they don’t seem to have very discerning taste! The spot that gets them going this time is a slingshot spot in which Mundo gets his face smashed into a ladder. It's a decent spot, but I’m not sure why it would spark that chant. I’m not a huge fan of that chant anyway. The best matches draw you in so much that you’re not thinking about offering meta-commentary on the well-worked nature of the match itself, at least in my opinion. This match goes on longer than I really care for it to. I am inured to multiple dives through tables and tumbles off ladders. I think the initial TLC tag matches between Edge and Christian, the Dudley Boyz, and the Hardy Boyz pretty much said all that needs be said about this sort of multiman car crash. And I suppose I should throw the Three Count/Jung Dragons match at New Blood Rising in there too because it happened around the same time and was also definitive even if practically no one saw it. But those bouts were about thirteen or fourteen years before this match happened and were much fresher and more interesting at the time. We slowly move toward the end of this match. Ryck seems to be taken out of the match after being hit with an End of the World and a 630 senton from Mundo and Puma respectively. Mundo and Puma fight it out, but how is Ryck back up so quickly? I feel like when you eat those two moves back to back, you should be out for way longer than Ryck was. Ryck tosses Puma right through a gimmicked ladder and then starts setting up multiple ladders; can a Rube Goldberg machine of ladders and maybe tables be far behind? Wait, this is interesting; a masked man comes out of the crowd and then attacks Mundo as Mundo tries to climb the ladder. He rips his mask off…and is a guy. I don’t know who the hell he is. Meanwhile, Ryck sets up a *sigh* Rube Goldberg machine made of ladders while Striker and Vampiro pull a Tenay-style I think we know who that is, maybe! without saying who that guy actually is. Mundo tosses the previously masked invader to the side, goes back in the ring, dispatches of all the heels, and grabs the briefcase. That finish was the encyclopedic definition of an anticlimax. Dario Cueto exits his office and congratulates Mundo, then asks for that key that Mundo took as collateral back now that Mundo has his money. Mundo says exactly these words: “So, give it to me Johnny, give it to me. Put that key around [my] neck where it belongs. Do it now!” You see where this is going, right? Mundo loads his fist with the key, knocks Cueto out, and then puts the key around Cueto’s neck. Wait, not even that much! He just dropped it on his chest. No, you’re supposed to a) knock him out and then put it around his neck or b) the better option of choking Dario out with the cord to the key, thus “putting it around” Cueto’s neck. BOOOOOOO, I feel robbed of what should have been babyface vengeance via doing the thing the heel demanded, but in a way that the heel didn’t want! This show basically ran in place and had a long ladder match that did nothing for me (as well as a Fenix performance that I once again actively hated). It wasn’t bad, but it was bland. I also want to know what’s up with the hitwoman ring, but they didn’t have the lead hitwoman show up on this ep, which was a bummer. I’m hoping that LU picks it up (hup hup) in the next couple of episodes from a storytelling standpoint. 2.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

Speaking Castillian is a mega-heat getter in Mexico, as Gwyneth Paltrow once found out.

Season 1, Show 6: “The Key,” or Johnny Mundo grabs a key and risks rousing a monster with the tenacity of Phanto Recap: Let’s recap some lucha, including the burgeoning feud between Prince Puma, Johnny Mundo, and Big Ryck’s crew. Konnan is involved both in addressing that issue and in giving warnings to Chavo Guerrero Jr. over his heel behavior (and heel beatdowns) the last few weeks. Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto and Big Ryck sign a contract to secure Ryck’s services in the Temple, though Ryck wants his first bonus in cash. I’m honestly not sure when this was supposed to be shot; is this a flashback to before the first episode or did he just sign that contract tonight? [Editor's note: It was right before this show and not a flashback, as we'll find out later tonight.] Son of Havoc and Ivelisse are in the ring so that Ivelisse CAN YELL. HER PROMO AT. A WEIRD CADENCE! It sucks. Anyway, Ivelisse is annoyed that they signed a seven-year contract with LU just to fight little people and women, and I can tell you that contract is absolutely not going to get paid out, sis. You’ll get to go back to Nashville with Havoc soon enough. So Havoc demands that a real man to come out and fight him; who better to answer his challenge than Pimpinela Escarlata? OK, Havoc being a traditionally sexist and ableist dude who keeps getting embarrassed by the targets of his ire is a pretty funny running joke. This match is pure theatre, and how much you like it depends on how much of a kick you get out of a) Escarlata’s shtick and b) Havoc’s character getting humiliated for being closed-minded. Escarlata lands a rope-walk crossbody on Ivelisse, a couple of nice slaps and chops, and flipping body attack from the apron, and a Madusa-style missile dropkick on his way to victory. Havoc is once again hoisted by his own petard along the way because he spends time mocking Escarlata’s prancing rather than pressing his advantage and because he and Ivelisse were dicks to Mascarita Sagrada last week and in Ivelisse’s opening remarks tonight, which brings Sagrada out to chase Ivelisse around the ring, distracting Havoc and leaving him open for a kiss and a rollup that ends the bout. Sagrada and Escarlata dance to their shared victory after the match. Tough guy Son of Havoc getting rolled by people he thinks are lesser than him remains enjoyable. Seedy backstage interstitial: Dario Cueto really should purchase some lights around here, huh? Cueto, who for some reason doesn’t have his own personal restroom in his office and thus has to use the dimly lit, probably unclean public pisser, is accosted by Johnny Mundo right as he finishes up his business. I bet he didn’t even get a chance to finish draining himself and now he’s gotta walk around with piss-dampened underwear on for the rest of the night. That’s definitely going to up the heat in this feud, huh? Anyway, Mundo goozles Cueto and demands his money that he was supposed to get as the standout performer for defeating Prince Puma way back in the first episode of this season. Cueto promises that he can get that money for Mundo in cash, and Mundo snatches that big key that Cueto wears on a chain around his neck, which seems almost as dangerous a move as snatching the urn from Paul Bearer, doesn’t it? A dude named Famous B is out here to get steamrolled by Mil Muertes (w/Catrina). If you couldn’t guess what happens next, Famous B gets steamrolled by Muertes. It’s a decent, quick squash that ends with a spear and a Flatliner. It’s not quite spear, Jackhammer, SPLAT, but it’s effective enough. At least Famous B got a Lick of Death as a consolation prize. Alright, there’s a Drago/King Cuerno rematch tonight! This announcement leads to… Hype video: A bit of hype for Drago, whom I dig as an underneath babyface. Drago stands in the ring, awaiting the pretty cool entrance of King Cuerno. The trophy buck hat is a nice touch. Cuerno immediately explodes at the bell with a thigh-slapping front dropkick, but then slows it down because he likes to stalk his prey. This insistence on doing so is a good kayfabe reason for him not to press his advantage and also to sometimes pay for not pressing his advantage. Drago bursts up with running and a headscissords, but Cuerno puts him down with double knees to the chest in a nasty looking spot. We cut to a pretty East Asian lady wearing all black, and I know her name but can’t remember it right now. Angela something? She was the one here last week scouting a match. Hold on, she was scouting Havoc/Sagrada last week. But as I remember, she brings her own crew with her, so maybe she’s not scouting and is watching matches for some other reason? Anyway, back in the ring, Drago hits a flipping neckbreaker and covers for two; Cuerno needs a break, so he drags the referee to the mat to put space between himself and Cuerno and then escapes. It should be a DQ, but it never is in Cuerno’s matches, at least so far. Drago chases him outside with a dive and then tries his armdrag into a weird Oklahoma roll move that won him their first match. Cuerno kicks out at two, takes control, lands a suicide dive, and then scores his sitout fireman’s carry driver known as The Thrill of the Hunt for three. Ah, I see the hunter has learned from his previous encounter and successfully adapted his strategy. This was a good match that built nicely upon the previous match they had. Johnny Mundo has that key around his neck as he stands in the ring and demands that Dario come out here by the count of ten and give him that hundred thousand dollars’ worth of cash before, uh, something happens to that key. Big Ryck walks out and tells Mundo that he’s headed for another trip through a table if he keeps talking, basically, but Mundo hits him with a suicide dive to knock him down and then gets right back in the ring and continues his count. At about the count of eight, Konnan stands at the top of the stairs and yells ORALE! ARRIBA LA RAZA! It gets a big pop, and honestly, I kind of missed this dude yelling this catchphrase after gaining a bit of distance from watching five years of late-stage WCW programming. I feel like Holden Caulfield missing the guys he couldn’t stand at Pencey Prep by the time he gets done telling his story. You really do just end up missing everybody, huh? Konnan’s objection to Mundo’s monetary demands can be paraphrased as such: Mundo, you should be giving that hundred thou to Puma because your actions have drawn him into your feud that he has nothing to do with and also you cracked him with a chair and cost him the match against Big Ryck last week when you interfered. Konnan also declares that Puma isn’t going to be helping Mundo out anymore, but Puma has different ideas because when Ryck recovers and attacks Mundo from behind, Puma runs in and helps him out…and then once Ryck is dispatched, they fight one another as Puma is still pissed about Mundo’s wayward chair shot from last episode. Konnan walks away, disgusted with Puma’s intervention; LU security and referees have to break up the pull-apart brawl in the ring. Finally, security manages to back Mundo and Puma off from one another. That’s when Dario opens his office door holding a briefcase and pretty much says that he’s going to take Big Ryck’s cash signing bonus that Ryck requested in the first seedy backstage interstitial from tonight and hang it from the rafters next week, then let Puma, Mundo, and Ryck try to use a ladder or three to grab it first. The main event tag match on this show pits Chavo Guerrero Jr. and Pentagon Jr. against Rey Fenix and Sexy Star. Vampiro lets everyone know that Blue Demon is out of the hospital and back to training, promising that Demon will be back to get revenge on Chavo Jr. at some point. Weirdly, Vampiro speculates that Penta doesn’t like Chavo very much even though, um, Penta ran out and was about to help Chavo beat down Star with a chair last week. Fenix dispatches of Chavo and Penta dispatches of Star so that the off-screen (but not on-screen) brothers can have an exchange that Fenix wins. That settles the match down; Chavo and Fenix square off as Penta and Star step onto the apron. Chavo does nice heel work like yanking at Fenix’s eye holes in his mask while cinching in a headlock. His control doesn’t last long, however; Fenix gets to his feet, shoots Chavo in, drops down, and then slaps the hell out of his thigh while landing a dropkick. Is it that wrestlers are worse at hiding it or that I know that they do it, and now I can’t unsee it? Fenix tags Star in, but she immediately gets shoulderblocked to the mat and yanked by her hair into the heel corner, where she gets worked over as the babyface in peril. I get a wry kick out of Vampiro and Striker talking about feeling like they need to save Star from this ass kicking because it cuts against their whole deal where women can get it just like men can here in the Temple. Neither of them said this about Sagrada taking a beating from a larger man. If they were better commentators, I’d say that this is just a nuanced bit of commentary in which they need to gradually get over their instincts to protect Star from herself, but I think they’re just bad at talking and completely inconsistent in selling the anti-Diva thing. Anyway, Star escapes, but Fenix tags in and immediately is babyface in peril himself. What a strange match so far. Striker is trying his best, I think, with this whole “women are equal in the Temple thing” because he says this: “It’s almost valiant that Fenix is taking a beating for Sexy Star…not that Sexy Star asked him to.” This is a weird thing where it’s not a kayfabe struggle for Striker to work out his complex feelings about women in the Temple, but it’s just a shoot thing where Striker is consistently trying to remind himself not to hit the old clichés about women, men, and violence. I’m too wrapped up in how commentary approaches Sexy Star’s matches, probably, but LU set the tone for this by having Striker and Vampiro constantly point out that LU isn’t like WWE in how it treats female competitors in one breath and then Striker and Vampiro undercutting that somewhat with their commentary on her matches in another breath. Maybe I’ll be charitable and ascribe it to a kayfabe struggle for the announcers even though they actually just shoot stink. Boy, was that a digression! This match hasn’t been much of anything, really, with a short shine segment and then two separate FIP segments that were also too short to mean much. Chavo hits Fenix with a pretty dropkick for two, but after Chavo tags Penta in, Penta gets caught with a flipping cutter for two. Chavo tries to intervene and gets dispatched by Fenix, who makes a hot tag to Star. She goes right at Chavo, and Striker says that Star is fighting for the girls out there who were told to go away by the boys she wanted to play with, and actually I think the commentary is fascinating and I could write a whole paper on it. Anyway, Star controls the ring, lands a tornado DDT on Chavo, and then dives onto Penta at ringside in a pretty cool dive. Fenix tosses Chavo out there next to them and then hits a springboard, uh, is that a somersault plancha? I don’t know. It’s some wild shit, as is Fenix’s way. Star and Fenix make their way back into the ring; Star tries to hit Chavo with a crossbody, but is caught and slammed. Chavo makes his way to the top for a Frog Splash attempt, but Fenix is available to boot him to the floor. Penta is back in and tries a package piledriver on Star, but Fenix superkicks him, and Star uses Penta’s momentum as he snaps backward from the kick to turn her position into an advantage and nail a sunset flip powerbomb. All that is left is for Star to position Penta for a diving double knee strike from Fenix, then cover for the three count. An enraged Chavo backs away from the remains of what ended up being a fun match once the finishing run hit. I have a lot more to say about how LU is trying to position Star on commentary, but why not save some of that for later? I really do find it interesting how they’re trying to navigate Star’s push, though. I liked this show, actually. It had four matches, but one was a squash, one was a comedy match, one was a tag match, and one was a competitive rematch that built on the previous match. Add to that some interesting interstitials and character work, and I think it was both entertaining and successful in developing characters and plots. 3.75 LU-CHA chants out of 5.

As excited as I am for this, I would like to note that there's something else I like him for: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAcmmQxn5us And also his "FROM THE STREETS OF DETROIT" rant on that one Nitro where he put over the JCW Championship in 2000. You know me; there'll probably be at least one or two gaps in this thread. Plus, if you're so inclined, your comments contrast with what I realize is my very specific taste in wrestling, which is nice because this shouldn't be a thread of me shitting on Fenix as if most people feel that way about him (or whatever).

The bookers got it wrong. The Redcoats shoulda gone over.