Spaceman Spiff Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 (edited) Quote Kinda tells you how bad the Shane Twins must have been to not go further than they did. Of course, wrestling as penises can shorten your careers That's what happens when you can't get enough heat. Edited August 27 by Spaceman Spiff 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 Show #214 – 15 November 1999 “The one that debuts Oklahoma, which I think is enough to give you an idea of this show's quality” We’re under a week away from Mayhem. You know why that’s important? Because it means that we’re one PPV closer to getting Russo the fuck outta here for a little bit. I watch WCW for the brief spaces in between Bischoff and Russo leadership where they just let Kevin Sullivan and Terry Taylor book sensible pro wrestling TV shows. Norman Smiley comes to the ring for this opening hardcore challenge in football padding; his opponent Jimmy Hart shows up in a suit of armor. Can I be honest with you, dear reader? I’ve already sort of checked out, so forgive me for not giving you the blow-by-blow account. Hell, the fans just want a Big Wiggle, and that’s the only thing that really matters. This match is dumb and pointless and ends when Brian Knobbs runs down and hits Smiley first in the pads, and then in his un-helmeted head. Hart only gets two on the cover, so Hart and Knobbs team up on more attacks that only get two until Hart tries to drop an elbow on Smiley through a table, but Smiley moves, Hart crashes, and Smiley covers Hart for three. Knobbs bashes Smiley with a trash can before Smiley can hit a Big Wiggle. This was AWFUL. Then again, the crowd hit a SMI-LEY chant in there for a while, so what I do I know about entertainment? Wait, I know enough about entertainment to dump this on the Absolute Dirt Worst list. Have you ever seen guys try to work in suits of armor and football padding? My goodness. Brackets! To go to the final four at Mayhem, we have: Bret Hart vs. Billy Kidman; The Total Package vs. Sting; Chris Benoit vs. Scott Hall; Buff Bagwell vs. Jeff Jarrett. Mike Tenay talks to Curt Hennig about his upcoming match against Goldberg. If Hennig loses in any way (I think), he’s gone. If he wins, he gets a new contract. The audio is bad, so I’m not sure what Kimberly asks Terry Taylor for, but he points her in the direction that she needs. Kevin Nash shows up wearing makeup and a wig that makes him look something like Sid to do more “comedy” impressions; also, Scott Hall is here with him. Spice (w/Nitro Girl allies Sharmell and Chae) talks to Tenay. I guess AC Jazz has legit backed out of the match and exited the Nitro Girls, but Fyre and Tygress rush in and attack; there’s a pull-apart. OK, so what happened here? Tony S. quickly blowing off AC Jazz by just being like, Welp, she’s gone, but Tygress and Fyre are still here, and they look pissed has me wondering. I looked it up, but could only find a Wikipedia entry that she left the company after disagreements with management [citation needed], so, uh, what’s that story? Somebody must have told it. I bet Russo and Ferrara expected her to do something crude during this match that she didn’t want to do and then jettisoned her as a result, but I do also assume the worst of those guys, so maybe I’m wrong. Syko Kevin Nash and Scott Hall hit the ring. Yeah, the crowd’s not sick of the Outsiders, but I actually am. Hall’s HEY YO gets a massive pop, I must say. Hall says that Sid’s as dumb as he looks, and I assume that this is the “half the brain that you do” promo. Nash does a sub-mediocre Sid impression. He’s so bad at these. He did the Arn one, and it was patently awful, but it’s also the best one of the bunch, possibly. Sid walks out and hits his “half the brain” line, which he says was written that way, and I would guess that this is probably true considering Russo’s inability to write comedy. Sid promises Hall that his tournament run is cooked later tonight if he’s got anything to say about it; then, he challenges Nash to a match tonight. Nash says that he’s retired. Sid: “For once in your life, be a man, not a clown!” That’s a decent line, so I assume it’s Sid’s creation and not Russo’s. Sid thinks Nash is sans testicular fortitude and has diminished in talent since his retirement, and that gets Nash to maybe reconsider his refusal to fight. Tenay talks to Booker T., who is wrestling a handicap match against Patrick and Gerald of the legendary tag team Creative Control because Stevie is still suspended. Tenay asks about Midnight, who is specifically called that name by Booker: “When Midnight strikes, it’s all over for Patty and Gerald.” Booker uses a lot of figurative language based around clocks in this promo. One of Creative Control hits on Kimberly as she waits outside the office of The Powers that Be. Her face shows pure disgust. Patrick and/or Gerald tries to smell his pits to see if that’s the problem, but it looks like he sniffs the crook of his elbow, so the visual joke doesn’t quite come off. Kimberly complains to Russo about having to wrestle since she’s not a wrestler and doesn’t want to be one; Russo responds by saying that she left the Nitro Girls, and if she’s not out there shaking it for the crowd, she needs to make her money by wrestling. Kimberly makes to leave, but Creative Control bars her way. Russo gives her a tune-up match later tonight against Asya, and he’ll throw an as-yet-unnamed special guest referee into the bargain. Russo exhorts Creative Control to finish off Booker T. after Kim leaves. Syko Kevin Nash enters the office and sits down as Russo exclaims WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. Boy, this guy is high-key one of the worst on-screen performers ever. And he's not even literally on the screen yet! Booker’s music hits, but where is Booker? I see; he’s getting held up by Chavo, who tries to sell him a few useful home products. Booker shoves him out of the way and makes it to the ring. This show is so dumb. What kind of dope would find this entertaining? Creative Control are next out. These two are the worst tag team made of two heavies ever. Whither art thou, KroniK?! Anyway, Nash’s retirement is waived – Tony S.: “That retirement was a lame angle anyway,” UGH, YUCK, NO – and he’ll face Sid later tonight. Creative Control bores me half to fucking death in heel control. Call these fuckbois "Uncreative Control," maybe. Booker exploding on comebacks is over with this crowd, and it entertains me, but there’s too much heel control. A BOOKER T. chant breaks out because this crowd in Little Rock is hyped for pro wrestling; can’t we do better for them? Booker hits a dropkick that takes out both members of CC, hits an axe kick on Gerald and/or Patrick, and Spinaoonies up. He goes up and lands a missile dropkick, but Patrick and/or Gerald breaks it up, and CC lands an H-Bomb for three. Oh, they’re named Patrick and Gerald. I just got it. Fuck off, Russo and Ferrara. CC stomps out Booker, but the lights go out and a bell hits. They come back on and Midnight is in the ring; she kicks the shit out of CC. And by “kicks the shit out of CC,” I mean that she throws a punch that misses by about a mile. This sucked. Booker shouldn’t be dropping falls to these mooks. Guess what? The First Family is breaking up. Flynn argues with Barbarian; Knobbs argues with Hart. Hugh Morrus is nowhere to be found because Russo and Ferrara have other plans for him. Other stupid plans. Russo lectures Creative Control on getting beaten up by a woman. Russo runs them down and reminds them of their previous shitty gimmicks in the WWF. He tells them to call Dutch Mantel and go wrestle in bumfuck small town America or start doing their jobs right, then sends them to gather Torrie and “the luchadores,” though which luchadores he means, I don’t know. Johnny Boone is in the ring, awaiting Evan Karagias (w/Madusa). Karagias runs in and he and Boone brawl. I assume that Karagias is going to win the cruiserweight title at Mayhem and then lose it to Madusa, and I vaguely recall a Madusa/Oklahoma feud over that title because wrestling fans onlike tsk tsked the fuck out of it back in the day. Madusa joins commentary while the guys in the ring wrestle an energetic, if mediocre, brawl-lite at high speed. She does her sultry voice for a bit before leaving the desk, getting in the ring, and shoving Boone backward into a rollup for three. I hated this. Karagias makes out with Madusa after the match. Scratch that: I really hated this. Juvi brings a pinata to the luchador meeting because of course he does. People of Mexican descent carry pinatas everywhere they go, don’t you know? Russo offers these lowly midcarders a chance to win a cool 10K in a Pinata-on-a-Pole Match. *sigh*, this is some bullshit. GODDAMMIT, Oklahoma and Dr. Death Steve Williams walk into the arena together. FUCK. Creative Control ask some security dudes if they’ve seen Torrie Wilson around, but no dice. The pinata in the Pinata-on-a-Pole Match falls off the pole literally fifteen seconds in. There’s a 10K check in that pinata, so, uh, this match should be over right now because someone should have grabbed it instead of setting up for intricate wrestling moves. DUD, fuck off, WCW. Oh, wait, Oklahoma and Dr. Death come down and Oklahoma joins commentary. SUPER DUD, fuck off twice, WCW. Bill Busch owes me a monetary settlement for pain and suffering . I’m not going to remark on the Bell’s Palsy snarl on Oklahoma’s face because it’s beyond remarking upon at this point. However, I will say that it’s wild that Ferrara’s stupid ass thinks people are going to agree with him as he razzes Jim Ross for being bad at PBP. Look, you can criticize Jim Ross for a lot, and he probably shouldn’t be calling AEW matches because he’s the only guy who hates their house style more than I do, but he’s legitimately a great PBP man and his work in the Attitude Era to make a bunch of unserious nonsense somehow come off as legitimate and worth paying attention to is possibly the best thing that you can say about how good he was. Dr. Death destroys the cruisers while Oklahoma yells THAT’S MY BOY. I’m in hell. Goldberg tells Tenay that he’s got a lot of respect for Curt Hennig, but he’s going to beat the shit out of the guy. Again. Nash tells Tenay that he’s in serious mode now and that wrestling is fun again. He threatens to crawl up Sid’s ass and kick his teeth out from the inside. I hope Sid’s had a recent enema for Nash's sake. Curt Hennig tries to slam Goldberg with a door in the backstage area as Goldberg makes his way to the ring. Goldberg, unfazed, beats the fuck out of him in the hallway. Hennig tries his best, but lands maybe one strike to every ten of Goldberg’s. They have a wandering brawl backstage that wanders all the way into the ring eventually. Hennig targets Goldberg’s knee, and I do like that Hennig is more dangerous because he’s fighting for his career. Hennig wraps on a legbar and grabs the ropes for leverage, but Goldberg endures and then punches his way out of it. Hennig keeps trying to work Goldberg, but Goldberg eventually has enough of that nonsense, locks on a legbreaker of his own, and causes Hennig to tap out. So, wait, now just losing isn’t enough, and he has to actually get pinned again? I don’t know. Who cares? Nothing on this show even fucking matters. Hennig punches the ref; Goldberg spears and Jackhammers Hennig. Kimberly talks to someone on the phone, likely Dallas since she says, “Love you too, bye” before hanging up. The lights go out and Kimberly freaks, which is when Duggan shows up and informs her that it’s just another fuse blowing out and that he has to go fix it. Was that meant to be a comedy spot? Creative Control runs into the Filthy Animals, who claim not to know anything about Torrie until CC threatens them with a firin’. They suddenly recall where she might be. Duggan looks through his toolbox for a fuse. Chavo tries to sell him some. Fuck off, WCW. Who in the hell thought that any of this was going to help WCW catch up to the WWF? The WWF has stars who matter. WCW has, uh, Goldberg. Vampiro and the Misfits enter the ring to face Berlyn and THE WALL, BROTHER in a four-on-two tag match. Berlyn jumps Vampiro to start, and I’m wondering about their match at Mayhem. We still get longer matches on PPV, I’d hope. I’m sure they’ll mostly have dumber finishes than is usual even for Nitro-era WCW, but still. THE WALL, BROTHER is finally called by that name on WCW television by Tony S. TW,B chokeslams a couple of Misfits, then squares up with Vampiro, who fights off both he and Berlyn. Vamp sends TW,B to the floor with a clothesline, celebrates, and turns around into a wheel kick from Berlyn. Berlyn and TW,B combine on a vertical suplex/missile dropkick, but Berlyn gets mad when TW,B tries to make the cover and pulls him off. TW,B just stands in the corner and watches as Berlyn turns back around and gets his ass kicked by Vampiro; Vamp tries a top rope rana that Berlyn turns into a powerbomb, but TW,B yanks Berlyn off the cover. Berlyn shoves TW,B a couple times, and Vamp comes from behind and rolls up Berlyn. Berlyn kicks out at two, sending Vamp stumbling forward into a goozle and a TW,B chokeslam that gets three. Berlyn grabs a chain that he brought with him, thinks about whipping it at TW,B, but instead beats and chokes Vamp with it. Creative Control escorts Torrie to the TPtB’s office. Goldberg paces around; what could he possibly be aggy about? Other than, like, everything because he’s Goldberg? Russo’s made Torrie the special referee for Asya/Kimberly and tosses her a very tiny striped bikini to wear while she does it. This show bums me the fuck out. Rick Steiner faces Sid tonight even though Sid also challenged Kevin Nash to a match on this same show. OK, sure, I like Sid. They obligabrawl, and I’m reminded that I don’t like Rick Steiner, at least in singles, and that I wish that Sid wouldn’t bump or sell very much for this bum. They brawl into the crowd; Sid has to back some drunk fuck off who is a bit too overhyped. Said drunk fuck backs up, which is wise! They brawl through the crowd and onto the stage, where Sid powerbombs Steiner through a gimmicked segment of the stage. It does rule pretty hard, I’ll admit! Sid has proven his point; he just walks away like a boss. After a break, they put Rick Steiner on a backboard and cart him outta here. Commentary sells that Sid is dangerous and that Kevin Nash better watch out if Sid’s putting guys like Rick Steiner out. They hit a little too much of the Owen Voice but overall, this has been the first effective segment in this whole fucking show, an hour into the thing – probably ninety minutes in on the original broadcast with commercial breaks. We see Steiner get wheeled all the way to the back, so I’m waiting for someone to tip the stretcher or something. What’s the catch? Huh, there isn’t one. We see him get loaded in and then cut to Tenay interviewing Sid. Sid remembers that he’s the Millennium Man and uses that as a jumping off point for a damned fine little promo: “Tenay, the millennium is upon us, and I have two thousand ways to put Mr. Nash back in retirement. Do you realize: *whispers* The night has just begun, Tenay. THE NIIIIIIIGHT HAS JUST BEGUUUUNNNNN!!!” Jerry Flynn and Barbarian have a backstage fight. They meet up in a boiler room somewhere in the building and brawl. Tony S. tries to liken this fight to something you’d see in Fincher’s Fight Club adaptation. As an aside, that’s a rare case where the movie and book take the ending in two totally different directions and both of them are amazing endings. I know Palahniuk prefers the movie’s ending to his own, but I find them both among the some of the best endings in fictional works. This brawl is alright, folks. Eventually, Flynn just kicks Barb into unconsciousness and walks out the winner. Tenay interviews Chris Benoit on his thoughts about possibly becoming the world champ, and Benoit says that he’s dreamed of it since training with Stu Hart; he plans to finish off Scott Hall and go on to Mayhem as one of the final four. Asya faces Kimberly with special guest referee Torrie Wilson at the helm. Kimberly is nervous about wrestling, but not so nervous that she can’t hit a gratuitous ass shot for the crowd while entering the ring. Torrie walks out here pretending that she’s annoyed that she has to wear this skimpy bikini, but halfway down the ramp, the expression on her face changes, and she’s like, Nah, I worked hard on these abs, I think I feel good about showing them off. Fair play! Asya and Torrie have a low-impact CATFIGHT while Kim watches them. Eddy and Kidman show up and throw a jacket over Torrie and lead her away to boos and the complaints of the commentary desk. Kim sneaks up behind Asya and tries a sleeper. Asya tosses her off, so Kim grabs a cable and chokes Asya until David Flair stalks down holding a crowbar and wearing a ref’s shirt. Asya beats down David, landing a side slam and an elbow to the nutsack. What is the fucking point of this? You know, if Insta existed in this era, Torrie coming out here in a bikini would have been nothing compared to the thirst traps that she would have been posting at the time. I bet there’s a reasonable chance that she posts thirst traps in 2024 on Insta. Dave fights back with a suplex, then clubs Shane Douglas in the cast with a crowbar and escapes when the Revolution runs down. MEGA DUD. TTP sent flowers and a card to Sting, but the Stinger’s not interested. TTP and Liz see this on a monitor, and Package freaks out. David Flair chases Kim out of the building, then soliloquizes to the camera, which I guess exists in this scene. This Page/Flair feud started out as Dallas vs. Ric and ended as Kimberly vs. Dave. Holy shit, this feud has been a disaster. Scott Hall (w/Kevin Nash) faces off with Chris Benoit (w/Bret Hart) to punch the first ticket to Mayhem and the semis and finals of the world title tournament. I’ll give Russo and Ferrara credit for this one thing: They seem determined to elevate at least one of the midcarders. Funnily enough, they’re elevating the one who is generally a mediocre-to-bad talker, but still. Hall toothpicks Benoit; Benoit responds with a snot rocket. After a feeling out process in which Hall takes things too casually and pays for it – he paintbrushes Benoit on a go-behind, for example, and then gets an elbow to the mush in response – Hall signals for a test of strength. A Hall boot to the gut picks up the pace, which ends with Benoit using his agility and pace to score a low dropkick that sends Hall bailing to the floor to re-assess things with Nash. Nash threatens to get in the ring along with Hall, and Bret casually stands there, watching, before deciding, What the hell, I’d better get on the apron, too. It’s unintentionally funny. Benoit and Hall trade chops in the corner; Benoit wins out in that contest, then scores a back elbow off an Irish whip. He tries a slam and an elbowdrop, but misses, and Hall shoots Benoit in. Benoit slides underneath Hall and hits a snap suplex, then goes back to landing strikes; Hall shoots Benoit to the ropes, and Nash clubs him. A Hall lariat on Benoit gets two while Hart backs a crotch-chopping Nash off at ringside. Hall has his first extended period of control here. He hits punches and chokes with Nash landing a strike or two where he can fit them. Hall locks on a sleeper, and man, this guy really didn’t do much interesting with this segment. This match looked like it might explode into life, but Hall smothered it. The crowd is still awake, but this crowd is game for anything. Benoit back suplexes his way out of the sleeper after a short while, and there’s a standing ten-count that ends with Hall crawling over and covering Benoit for two. Benoit makes his comeback from here and gets two off a clothesline, then two off a backbreaker. He dropkicks Hall to Nash’s side of the floor, then lands a baseball slide. Nash attacks Benoit, but Hart pulls Benoit out of a Snake Eyes attempt into the post, and Benoit shoves Nash into the post instead. The ref, distracted by this, doesn’t see Sid storm to the ring and hit Hall with a powerbomb. Benoit goes up and lands a diving headbutt, then covers for one…and Nash gets back on the apron. Benoit gets up and knocks him back to the floor as Hall staggers to his feet and loads his fist, but when he swings, Benoit catches his arm and drags him back to the mat in a Crippler Crossface that induces a tap out to end the match. Decent match, even with the overbooked finish. Mike Tenay asks Buff Bagwell about his feelings w/r/t TPtB and his chances against Jeff Jarrett in tonight’s match. Buff’s response is dumb. WCW Mayhem: The Music is out a few days from this show. Is this WCW’s first music CD since Slam Jam? Also, aren’t half their themes not even owned by them, but instead merely licensed? Billy Kidman (w/The Filthy Animals) comes to the ring to face Bret Hart for another spot in the final four of the world title tournament. Rey Jr. joins commentary while Bret basically controls Kidman in the ring. Kidman does shift his weight and topple onto Bret for two, but when Kidman tries a sunset flip, Bret rolls through and tries a Sharpshooter. Kidman fights it off, so Bret changes tack and catapults him over the top and to the floor. Kidman struggles to his feet as Eddy shouts encouragement at him and makes it to the ring at seven, where Bret meets him with a series of lifters. Bret tries a whip to the corner, but gets reversed and rebound clotheslined for two, then rebound bulldogged for two more. Hall and Nash sneak down the aisle and Hall pantses Torrie, who looks initially annoyed, then kind of okay with it? So, is her character that she’s just okay with any and all male attention, no matter how crude or how much of a violation of her personal space that it is? Nash and Hall beat the shit out of Eddy and Konnan at ringside while Bret blocks a Kidman rana and turns it into a Sharpshooter. Kidman taps and Hart leaves the ring before Hall and Nash can get there. We see at the break that Hall and Nash beat up all four Filthy Animals with zero trouble after the match. Way to make these Animals look like a reasonable threat, WCW! TTP and Liz get some brownies from a catering chef and prepare to load them with laxatives or weed or something like that. Jeff Jarrett starting to spam SLAPPYs and SLAPNUTS every promo bums me out. He made a decision to be a man of the zeitgeist rather than being good, and it made him a lot of money, so I can’t blame him. Still, though, it bums me out. Anyway, he interviews with Tenay before his match. Buff Bagwell faces Jeff Jarrett next. Jarrett lures Buff to the ropes before getting in the ring and then catches Buff's ankle and drags him to ringside for a quick obligabrawl. They work quite speedily, like this is going no more than three minutes, and in fact Creative Control walks down the aisle at the end of minute one. There has been WAY too much fucking Harris Brother nonsense on this show. These zero-charisma mooks SUCK. Buff lands a swinging neckbreaker and looks for a Blockbuster. Slick Johnson, that turncoat, ties his shoe while CC tries to cheat. Buff dodges a guitar shot and swings it himself, but he whiffs on hitting Jarrett and hits Gerald and/or Patrick instead; Jarrett grabs Buff from behind and drills him with a Stroke for three. All three men stomp Buff out after the match until Dustin Rhodes runs in from the crowd and makes the save. Goldberg’s still here at the arena, and he’s been hanging out all night, but I haven’t mentioned most of those blipments. I mention this one because he goes up to a Surge machine and headbutts it to get a cold, fresh Surge of his own to quench his thirst. TTP loads the plate of brownies with laxatives. Why would Package think that Sting would eat anything that Package sent to him? What a dope. In a pre-taped interview, Shane Douglas promotes a House of Pain match that will happen tonight between the Revolution and the Filthy Animals. What the hell? Put it on the PPV six days from now, idiots. Jim Duggan wheels a bin down the hall and intercepts the brownie delivery guy as said guy makes his way to Sting's dressing room. Duggan eats the brownies instead. I bet ol’ Hacksaw’s gonna go oopsie poopsie! The Revolution comes back to the ring. I guess this is that House of Pain match. Here are the rules, according to Tony S.: It’s a tag match in which the team that shackles both members of the other team to the cage is the winner. OK, sure. Shane Douglas sits on commentary as Konnan and Eddy Guerrero come to the ring to work this match. Tony S., responding to Douglas: “You’re like every other mark on the internet who thinks they can announce this thing.” SCHIAVONE’S SHOOTIN’ FOLKS! Anyway, this is a nothing brawl in a match that I think could be actually pretty good if a) they waited until Shane was healthy and ran a three-on-three version of this and b) put it on PPV and gave it twenty minutes. Oh, and c) not to be barbaric, but this match really needs some blood. Otherwise, don’t run it. The Revolution members shackle Eddy and Konnan while Douglas and Asya come in the ring to stomp the shackled Animals. Rey runs down and tries a Bronco Buster in the middle of a cage brawl like an idiot; he runs into Asya’s arm when she sticks it straight out as he rushes toward the corner. They shackle Rey’s oft-injured knee to the ceiling and then kick at it. Doug Dellinger and security run down and try to break up the party. See, this idea for a match, in and of itself, isn’t a bad idea. The execution, which essentially was a five-minute special, is the real problem. The Total Package (w/Liz) poses in the ring, sure that he’s safe because Sting has a case of the shits. But alas! Hacksaw Jim Duggan is the one shitting in a HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOle somewhere. Sting walks to the ring, his lower intestine remaining unpacked with a mass of fecal matter, and Package begs off and tries to sell his knee still being injured. He’s got to lock up sooner rather than later, though, and when he does, Sting blows him away. He ends up bailing after taking a couple of clotheslines, but that just encourages Sting to follow and have a novel obligabrawl centered around Sting actually trying to make Package’s supposedly bum knee a legitimately bum knee. Package pulls a Chris Jericho and begs Bobby Heenan for help while Sting bashes Package’s head onto the commentary table, which is funny. TTP’s a funny dude. Sting takes Package back in the ring and continues to kick the shit out of his erstwhile scumbag buddy. Package’s first offensive move in the match is an eye poke. His second offensive move in the match is a rope burn. That’s good stuff. TTP’s short burst of offense is soon countered, and though Package desperately tries to hang on to ref Slick Johnson, Sting disengages Package from Slick, hits two Stinger Splashes, and locks on a Scorpion Deathlock. Package trips the ref and Liz jumps in the ring with mace; she sprays it in Sting’s face, and Package quickly locks on a Torture Rack that is interrupted by Meng, who hasn’t forgotten Luger dicking him around last Nitro. Meng locks a TDG on Luger, and when Liz maces him, he swallows it and asks for more, then drags Sting on top of Luger so that Slick Johnson can count the three. You know what would have been better? No overbooking and just having Sting kill Package off with minimal resistance, which would have been satisfying as fuck. The final four in the WCW World Heavyweight Championship tournament are set: Bret Hart vs. Sting; Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett. HAHA, fart noises! HAHA, groans of pain-slash-pleasure! Poop is funny! Duggan pooping in TPtB’s bathroom and not bothering to flush is actually kind of funny, though. Goldberg makes his move backstage as Sid comes to the ring to face Kevin Nash. Sid has daps for the many supportive Arkansans who ask for them. Sid meets Nash in the aisle so they can brawl for a bit. They brawl at ringside. They brawl in the crowd for a second or two. They brawl in the ring. There’s nothing notable about this brawl (though it’s perfectly fine), so let’s talk about the thing that actually matters: the finish. Sid’s well in control after a big boot and looks for a powerbomb, but Scott Hall runs down to break that up. This is a street fight, so that’s legal. They rain blows upon Sid’s head and choke him. Goldberg runs down and double-spears Hall and Nash. That, for some reason, is illegal? Mickey Jay chooses now to call for the bell. Sid and Goldberg throw fists at one another; Goldberg hits a power slam, but Sid punches Goldberg in the balls and grabs a chair. Bret Hart runs down and makes the save by attacking Sid. This Arkansan crowd is sort of quiet because they love all three of these guys. The one thing on this show that was unequivocally good was the one thing on this show that got a bit of time to breathe. Otherwise, it landed a slew of things on the Absolute Dirt Worst list, particularly in that wretched first hour. Terrible stuff. -38 out of 5 Stinger Splashes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caley Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 19 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: Patrick and Gerald of the legendary tag team Creative Control Oh God, I forgot that they were named after the WWE "Stooges"! 27 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: THAT’S MY BOY. I’m in hell. IIRC there was one funny thing Oklahoma said, which was after aping JR's repetition gimmick ("Austin! Austin!"), someone picked up the pinata stick and he yelled "Stick! Stick!" which was the only part of this that was remotely entertaining. 31 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: The lights go out and Kimberly freaks, which is when Duggan shows up and informs her that it’s just another fuse blowing out and that he has to go fix it. Was that meant to be a comedy spot? There's an MST3k where they make light of some bad comedy by saying something like "It's not really comedy, more like comedy loaf. Until actual humor appears, please accept this substitute." which is exactly what this sounds like. 44 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: But alas! Hacksaw Jim Duggan is the one shitting in a HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOle somewhere. i'm actually surprised they didn't show that! 45 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: HAHA, fart noises! HAHA, groans of pain-slash-pleasure! Poop is funny! Duggan pooping in TPtB’s bathroom and not bothering to flush is actually kind of funny, though. Oh...well, he still didn't yell "Hooooo!", I guess. Trying to quote some of this dialogue, I was shocked at just how early in the show some of this seemed to be. Like, reading this recap feels like the show takes FOREVER, so I can't even fathom how long it feels WATCHING it back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zendragon Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 (edited) Wasn't at one point Ole Anderson running WCW (I think Flair and Dusty just did some booking) Also I did laugh at "Juventude Guerra from Tijuana State" Also I can confirm Torrie Wilson still looks good on insta Edited August 27 by zendragon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 14 hours ago, caley said: Oh God, I forgot that they were named after the WWE "Stooges"! I'm embarrassed that it took me a minute to process that. Quote IIRC there was one funny thing Oklahoma said, which was after aping JR's repetition gimmick ("Austin! Austin!"), someone picked up the pinata stick and he yelled "Stick! Stick!" which was the only part of this that was remotely entertaining. 7 hours ago, zendragon said: Also I did laugh at "Juventude Guerra from Tijuana State" I didn't crack even the barest of smiles. And I'm not Lance Storm or anything; I chuckled at Hacksaw leaving a mudslide in TPtB's toilet and refusing to flush. Quote Trying to quote some of this dialogue, I was shocked at just how early in the show some of this seemed to be. Like, reading this recap feels like the show takes FOREVER, so I can't even fathom how long it feels WATCHING it back. It really is so much stuff in just over two hours of runtime that it feels like I've been watching two Nitros back to back. It's weird in that it both feels that way AND like things are moving along too quickly at the same time, somehow. Russo and Ferrara might have been terrible showrunners, but scientists should observe how these two managed to alter the flow of time itself in unique ways. 7 hours ago, zendragon said: Wasn't at one point Ole Anderson running WCW (I think Flair and Dusty just did some booking) That's probably who I'm forgetting. 7 hours ago, zendragon said: Also I can confirm Torrie Wilson still looks good on insta If Insta was around fifteen years earlier, Torrie (and probably quite a few other ladies from this era) would never have gone anywhere near wrestling. They would have thirst trapped millions of followers apiece for themselves and shown up on some Netflix or Peacock reality show. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiztor Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 On 8/25/2024 at 5:25 PM, SirSmUgly said: Show #213 – 8 November 1999 Chavo Guerrero Jr. meets with Russo in the back to hear about the opportunity he’s won for defeating seven other lower-midcarders in last Thunder’s battle royal. The opportunity is to be an Amway salesman. That’s like selling Herbalife for a living, just as an analogy for you younger readers. I guess Chavo Jr. is also “fired.” I’m actually curious if any of those other six guys (I’m not including Iaukea, since I know he sticks around in a new gimmick) ever showed up on WCW television again. Wait, Regal definitely does, but in a specific instance at the very end of this watch-through. You know what I mean if you've seen it. i can/will only tell you if they would go on to wrestle any more matches, but since you asked for it.... El Dandy - besides the upcoming match on the 11/15 Nitro which i assume you've watched by now (i haven't opened the newest page of this thread), he has 1 upcoming match on Thunder, 1 WCW SN match in March Chris Adams - 4 more matches on WCW SN (he loses them all) Scotty Riggs - a losing effort on WCW SN (to Chris Benoit). then his ECW stint, before the move to headline Turnbuckle CW. Jerry Flynn - gets a number of appearances. You're not finished with ol' Lightning Foot yet! Prince Iaukea - has at least one more appearance on an upcoming Thunder. Dave Taylor & Steven Regal - team up a few more times, but i think it's just on WCW SN Chavo Jr. - obviously sticks around till the end side note, i have no idea what you're talking about with that Regal reference in case anybody was wondering when Johnny Boone's last match was previously, it was almost exactly a year ago: 11/7/98, on WCW Saturday Night, in a losing effort to Lodi. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-eight – 18 November 1999 "The WCW Gang is really wasting Chavo Guerrero Jr., man, and I don't like it" Let’s enjoy this taped Thunder if we can…One thing about the Russo-Ferrara Era is that it certainly has a philosophy that is consistently applied… Wait, I thought the First Family all broke up…Somehow, they’re here together on Thunder…Bam Bam Bigelow is the opponent for one of them…It looks like Jerry Flynn…Larry Z. is so upset that AC Jazz left WCW that he also threatens to quit…How long does Larry Z. last on WCW programming, actually?...I’m going to check while Norman Smiley joins the proceedings and watches the match from ringside…It looks like Larry Z. made it into 2000, but I accidentally spoiled for myself that Larry’s protests are probably leading to a storyline for him…Bam Bam and Flynn do some cursory, weak hardcore brawling while the other First Family members back Norm off…Barbarian jumps in to help Flynn…Smiley hits Knobbs with a chair outside the ring, then hands the chair to Bam Bam…Bam Bam hits Barb with the chair…Jimmy Hart challenges Smiley, and I think they just should have waited a week to run the First Family breakup…Bigelow dispatches of Hart, then pins Flynn for the win…Yuck… Disco Inferno tries to bet fifty thousand dollars on Prince Iaukea, but is informed that pro wrestling is fixed and that they won’t take the bet…HOW META, BRO…Also, I see in kayfabe why Disco is in hock to his bookie…Putting that kind of money on Prince Iaukea?...Damn… Terry Taylor being a boring dude is actually funny in this short blipment with Buff…Buff, after asking Taylor where Benoit is: “Good to see you back. Were you ever gone?”…Taylor: “I think so”…I mean, only like a percentage of a percentage of a percentage of the folks watching this would get why that was funny, but it did land for the folks who knew about Taylor being fired by Bisch, Bisch being fired by Schiller, and someone, probably Bill Busch or Vince Russo, re-hiring Taylor all in a short period of time…SEE, META JOKES ARE FUNNY, BRO…Well, that one got a chuckle out of me… Disco Inferno boogies to the ring to face Prince Iaukea, and I get it now, Disco wanted to take a dive tonight and recoup some of his money by betting on his ooponent...OK, that’s actually a decent little character-based joke...This match is non-title, so maybe Iaukea can win this one…Iaukea stops short on a Disco dropdown, shakes his head with disgust, and drops an elbow into the small of Disco’s back…Disco makes a comeback after luring Iaukea in and using Iaukea’s trunks as leverage to yank the Prince into the corner…Disco rolls, including a second-rope elbow drop…Iaukea gets two on a backslide, but Disco is up first and lands a clothesline…Iaukea gets another flash pin on a sunset flip that only gets two…This match is longer than I thought it’d be and feels a lot more like a Thunder match from a few months ago…It’s not amazing or anything, but it’s a pleasant little TV match…Some guy brings out a “gift” for Disco…It’s a dead fish to indicate what type of creatures Disco will be sleeping with if he doesn’t pay his bookie…Iaukea sneaks from behind and rolls Disco up for three…Disco hits Iaukea with the fish, then lands a Chartbuster and storms away… Evan Karagias talks to Gene Okerlund about Disco Inferno being “fishy” (BOOOOO) and about winning the Cruiserweight Championship for his one true love, Madusa (UGHHHH)… Van Hammer’s gimmick of being a cocky dude who no one respects is pretty funny…He walks up to Curt Hennig backstage while Hennig’s trying to get some coffee…Let me quote this exchange exactly because it had me laughing… Hammer: “Hey, we’re booked in a match tonight; don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. In fact, what’s the word on me letting you get counted out, old man?”… Hennig: *looks disgusted, punches the shit out of Hammer*… HAHAHAHAHA, that was genuinely hilarious…Security breaks them up… The Maestro squares off against Evan Karagias (w/Madusa)…Maestro jumps Karagias while Karagias is distracted because he's all smitten with Madusa…Karagias takes over and lands a springboard crossbody to the floor…He doesn’t press his advantage because he’s too busy smooching Madusa…Tenay promotes a Loser Must Retire Match between Curt Hennig and Buff Bagwell if Hennig sneaks past Van Hammer tonight…Whether it’s on Nitro or Mayhem, I don’t know…Mayhem, I think, since Tenay also talks about a six-person elimination tag pitting Dean Malenko, Saturn and Asya against Billy Kidman, Eddy Guerrero, and Torrie Wilson, also at the PPV…Meanwhile, there’s a competently worked, but not particularly interesting match going on in the ring…Larry Z. opines on Asya’s at-birth sex while Karagias makes a comeback, if you were wondering exactly how poorly this segment is going…Madusa hops up on the apron to distract the Maestro…Madusa kisses him, and Karagias gets up all upset…Madusa makes out with him to calm him down, and the Maestro slips in a roll-up for three…Madusa and Karagias make up after the match by making out some more…Ohhhhhhhhhhh brother… The Revolution stands in the back as Shane Douglas cuts a mediocre promo while talking to Okerlund about tearing that “Barbie doll” Torrie limb from limb…Saturn does make me laugh when butts in to assert that he knows from experience how hard it is to tear a Barbie doll’s limbs off…Malenko: “Perry, what the hell are you talking about? It’s just a figure of speech.”…Saturn: “My point EXACTLY.”…Heh heh heh, so dumb… Disco talks to his bookie, but his bookie ain’t hearing any of these excuses…Disco better have their money… Chris Benoit, Buff Bagwell’s opponent for the night, walks up and shakes hands with Terry Taylor, welcoming him back to WCW…Taylor lets Benoit know that Buff has been looking for him…Benoit says Buff must not be trying that hard because he’s easy to find, then walks off…Buff walks up like RIGHT AFTER Benoit leaves and asks Taylor if that was Benoit…You could have just yelled HEY, CHRIS from three feet away and had your conversation with him right then and there… Weekly Nitro recap: This show sucked ass…I’m in the process of adjusting my Stinger Splash and WOOOOOO scores and plan to have one final document with all the shows, their dates, and my scores for them…I’m also going to tier list the PPVs when I get done watching all of them, which will include going back after I get through March of 2001 and watching the PPVs I skipped back at the start of this thing when I was only going to watch Nitro…I mention that because I’ve already had to adjust a couple of scores to better fit with the weekly barrage of garbage that the RFE is producing… La Parka and Kaz “promo” with Gene Okerlund backstage…Welp, I’m out… Buff asks for Benoit take it easy on him because he has a career vs. career match on Sunday…Buff: “No flying headbutt, no Crossface”…Benoit says that it sucks for Buff that he's got himself in hot water with TPtB, but maybe he shouldn’t have been walking around calling himself the Chosen One…Buff jumps him, and they brawl until security, which has been busy tonight, breaks things up… La Parka shows Kaz how to strum a chair guitar on their way to the ring…Their opponents are Los Fabulosos…Tenay talks about how TPtB don’t like wrestlers who can’t speak English, and then transitions into talking about Dr. Death destroying cruisers and palling around with Oklahoma…I remembered Oklahoma in WCW, but had no idea that Dr. Death showed up with him…The tag match stinks…It’s full of shtick and weird spots…By the time they start doing dives, I’ve sort of zoned out…Parka dodges a Dandy top-rope move and goes up quickly, then lands a corkscrew body press for three…As he did last Thunder, Parka lays out his opponents with his chair after the match…Kaz does a decent Parka strut… Security is already there backstage, just waiting in the halls for Hennig and Bagwell to cross paths, which they do…Curt and Buff barely get to scrapping before security jumps in from the sidelines… Van Hammer versus Curt Hennig is next up…Obligabrawl…Buff Bagwell comes to ringside after the match makes it back to the ring…Larry Z. complains about TPtB dicking around wrestlers’ careers…I mean, I’d have guessed that they’re setting Larry up for an angle with them at this point even if I hadn’t accidentally glimpsed that info earlier…He calls them “nitwits”…Nitwits!...Now, that’s a fightin’ insult…Hammer and Hennig have a decent little bout, actually…Hammer gets two on a floatover powerslam, then hits a DDT…He goes up for a second rope senton bomb, but Hennig moves…Hennig walks over to follow up, but Hammer grabs him and dumps him to ringside…Bagwell beats down Hennig on the floor, but Benoit runs out and attacks Buff…Bagwell shakes Benoit and tries to link up with Hammer on an attack, but he hits Hammer instead…Hennig lands a Perfect Plex and escapes with a three count… Chavo tries to sell Liz a bunch of cooking and cleaning stuff, but Liz ain’t cooking or cleaning shit…Chavo next plies her with jewelry, and she and TTP are both receptive to… Lash LeRoux is up next…Larry Z. complains about Chavo having to sell crap…Larry Z., asking about whether or not TPtB can possibly be serious: “Is someone getting paid to ruin us?”…I mean, there’s on the nose, and then there’s on the nose…Kenny Kaos is LeRoux’s opponent…Is Robbie Rage still alive?...Does Kenny Kaos have Rage chained up in his basement?...While this okay, short match happens, I look it up and see that Rage got released while he was injured…BOOOOO, WCW, BOOOOOOO…I would have enjoyed the random Robbie Rage push in late 2000…They could have had him pal around as Scott Steiner’s second…That would have been a way better pairing than Steiner and Petey Williams in TNA…Anyway, this match is another decent enough bout…Kaos snags Lash out of the air on a LeRoux slingshot crossbody attempt in a nice spot…He controls in the ring, but his positioning is kayfabe off on a pinfall, and Lash is able to reach the ropes…That gives Lash a second chance, and he uses it to counter his way into a Whiplash for three… Okerlund interviews the Filthy Animals in the back…Konnan is worlds ahead of Kidman and Torrie in the off-the-cuff stick work department, even considering that the former has some stock phrases that he always works into each interview…Or maybe because he has those stock phrases... Chavo Guerrero Jr. is so good, and this fucking Amway salesman gimmick is so stupid…What the fuck, this guy got way over by the middle of 1998!...WCW is a stupid company that doesn’t have a clue how to elevate most of its over midcarders…Barbarian is Chavo’s opponent…Chavo grabs his suitcase and shows Barb some of the products and services available to him at a low price…Whatever, fuck off, WCW…Chavo does his best to get this bit over…He calls Billy Silverman over, and Barb uses the briefcase to slam Chavo in his back, then land a Kick of Fear for three…Fucking hell…Barb asks for a mic and yells I’LL TAKE THREE; I’LL PAY YOU LATER…WOOF…Chavo is very good at wrestling comedy, but he can’t get this stupid-assed idea over whatsoever…It’s not his fault…The material he’s working with is that bad… Recap: The WCW World Heavyweight Championship tournament is down to its final four participants… Meng faces Vampiro (w/Jerry Only)…TTP, who is opposing Meng at Mayhem, watches with Liz backstage as Meng makes his way to the ring…I get a reprieve from watching at least one RFE Thunder because Thanksgiving falls the week after this show…2000 is so close…This is a nothing match that includes an obligabrawl…Meng gets some solid control and locks a TDG on Vampiro…Only tries to break it, so Meng TDGs him instead…As the timekeeper whales away on the bell, Liz walks to the ring…She gets a mic and offers an apology for all those Nitro shenanigans involving TTP and Meng a couple of weeks ago…Meng doesn’t want to hear it and tries to TDG her, but Package runs in with a chair and hits Meng in the head with a chair a whole bunch…Meng goes down after the third or fourth head shot, and Package attacks Meng’s knee with the chair… Buff Bagwell and Chris Benoit go at it in Thunder’s main event…They get quite a bit of time for this match considering that it’s a TV bout in the RFE…It goes about ten minutes, though unfortunately, the setup for the match means that I’m really just waiting for the finish…WCW’s always had this issue with its main events, and now, it’s trickled down into the midcard matches as well now that Russo and Ferrara are in town…Also, there are too many mediocre “fight up from a hold” spots in this thing…They throw an obligabrawl into the bargain as well…No, wait, two obligabrawls!...This isn’t any good, so let’s get Hennig or Malenko out here or whatever…Bagwell rolls away from a diving headbutt…He sets up for a Blockbuster, but Hennig runs down and grabs his ankle…Buff hops down, looking at Hennig, and is easy pickings for Benoit, who grabs him and locks on a Crippler Crossface for the submission…Buff and Hennig stare one another down as the show ends…No, wait, they brawl as the show ends… Some of the attempted humor was funny, so this Thunder was less painful and mostly just sort of dull…The difference between WOO and OWW is what these chucklefucks Russo and Ferrara are doing to Chavo Jr., though…OWW… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 8 minutes ago, twiztor said: side note, i have no idea what you're talking about with that Regal reference Regal is Vince McMahon's second in the WWF at the time WCW is sold; he shows up on camera in Vince's office to affirm for Vince that WCW is a very bad place on the final show, if I recall correctly. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zendragon Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 Dr. Death was pretty pissed after the brawl for all fiasco Tony Marinara aka Disco's bookie is Tony Mameluke in ECW who had a pretty fun tag team with Nunzio/Guido as I think the last iteration of The FBI 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caley Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 11 minutes ago, zendragon said: Dr. Death was pretty pissed after the brawl for all fiasco Tony Marinara aka Disco's bookie is Tony Mameluke in ECW who had a pretty fun tag team with Nunzio/Guido as I think the last iteration of The FBI I will always remember him for this. https://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/ou2934/ecw_on_tnn_was_wild/ Watching this, I legitimately thought he might be dead. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 27 Author Share Posted August 27 16 minutes ago, caley said: I will always remember him for this. https://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/ou2934/ecw_on_tnn_was_wild/ Watching this, I legitimately thought he might be dead. Holy shit, yeah, that is the same guy. I thought he looked vaguely familiar beyond "Lodi's psychotic number one fan." That bump is fucking bananas, by the way. Yeah, if he got away with merely a concussion and a sliced-up head, he was very lucky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caley Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 40 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: …Disco hits Iaukea with the fish, then lands a Chartbuster and storms away… I'm sorry...what!?! 46 minutes ago, SirSmUgly said: …Buff jumps him, and they brawl until security, which has been busy tonight, breaks things up… It was Russo who wanted to do away with the ring, wasn't it? I mean, I know McMahon also opined on this a few times with a sigh about how if they got rid of the ring and the word 'wrestling', more people would see just how entertaining they were which is hilarious because if they got rid of the ring and just became a soap opera with fighting, they would lose their fighting audience who would just watch action movies with bigger budgets and effects and for people into the soap opera side, they'd watch any dramatic series with better acting. Anyways, can you imagine a Vince Russo show without a ring?! Just an endless string of sketches with two guys running into each other backstage and getting into scuffles. "Hey did you just cut in front of me for coffee?!" " If you don't like me, bite me! " [scuffle, then cut to] "Hey did you just eat the last brownie?!" "Listen up, also nuts!" [Scuffle] 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiztor Posted August 27 Share Posted August 27 3 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: Regal is Vince McMahon's second in the WWF at the time WCW is sold; he shows up on camera in Vince's office to affirm for Vince that WCW is a very bad place on the final show, if I recall correctly. oh gotcha, i thought you meant the very end of the episode. i do remember that moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 2 hours ago, caley said: I'm sorry...what!?! Disco was delivered a dead fish. He hit Iaukea with it before landing a Chartbuster. I don't write this stuff, I just report it. Quote Anyways, can you imagine a Vince Russo show without a ring?! I sure can! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKBmji_TqqM 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 Mayhem ’99 notes: Ah, here we are at the first fully-booked Russo-Ferrara PPV. The show begins with the same recap of the tournament that appeared on the previous Thunder. Three hours of Russo-Ferrara wrestling show booking sounds like something that might actually re-wire my brain. I’m risking my neurological health for the purposes of recording WCW’s continuing deterioration in quality for posterity. I’m, like, the most hardcore historian ever. It’s weird that (according to Wikipedia) there’s never been a WWF PPV in Scotiabank Arena, no? Huh, Scott Hall vs. Rick Steiner in a title-vs.-title match has been added to this show. I suppose I finally know how the TV title got this part of its illustrious champion history: Scott Hall > trash can > Jim Duggan This crowd WANT[S] BRET, but they get Chris Benoit, which is almost as good as far as they're concerned. He faces Jeff Jarrett in a world title tournament semifinal. I think he’s got a new theme, but I was late to un-muting this because Kid Rock might suck, but this Kid Rock knockoff is a great theme for Jarrett, and the dub is boring as fuck. They go at a pace to start, renewing their rivalry from late 1996, and Benoit gets an early two count on a DDT, then continues to run circles around Jarrett and hits a reverse neckbreaker for two more. Jarrett and Benoit just have such good chemistry together. Benoit gets a third two-count off a superplex, then beats Jarrett down in a brief obligabrawl until Jarrett hits Benoit with the ringpost atomic drop. That’s a great spot, but I haven’t seen anyone sell it nearly as painfully as X-Pac did at Summerslam ’98. Jarrett takes over for a spot of control now. Jarrett scores a nice floatover powerslam for two; he follows up with a stalling vertical for two more. Jarrett and Benoit trade flash pinfall attempts for two; Jarrett is up first, and in true WCW heel fashion, he lands a clothesline to wrest control firmly back into his favor. The pace slows for the first time all match when Jarrett locks on a sleeper hold. Benoit eventually fights out of it and tries to run again, but Jarrett stuffs that with a shoulderblock. However, he unwisely shoots Benoit in, and Benoit uses the uptick in match pace to evade Jarrett and lock on a sleeper of his own that Jarrett immediately kills with a jawbreaker. There’s a standing ten count, and Jarrett just gets to his feet ahead of Benoit, but Benoit is able to block Jarrett’s haymakers and land an inverted atomic drop; then, he hits some chops and ducks another wild Jarrett haymaker that flips Jarrett into perfect position for rolling Germans. The third rolling German gets two, and this match has been good enough that even these worthless bums Creative Control walking down to lend to an overbooked finish won’t keep it off one of my good lists. Jarrett is able to manage a Hot Shot that Benoit takes a bump all the way to the floor on; CC stands sentinel as Jarrett makes the decision to go after Benoit on the floor and finish him in the ring. Jarrett tosses Benoit in, then goes up for a diving crossbody that Benoit rolls through for two. Jarrett is up quickly and tries a sunset flip, but Benoit again sits down on it for two. Jarrett is able to send Benoit chest-first into the buckles, but Benoit flips out of Jarrett’s back suplex attempt and nails one of his own; he drags his thumb across his throat and goes up top. His diving headbutt scores, and he covers for one, two, and no more as Patrick and/or Gerald drags him off the cover. While Patrick and/or Gerald is admonished by ref Charles Robinson, Gerald and/or Patrick slides into the ring on the other side and assaults Benoit. Jarrett is able to land a Stroke, and he covers for one, two, and not three when Dustin Rhodes comes out of the stands and pulls Jarrett off the cover. Dustin brawls with Pa/oG while Ga/oP and Jarrett fail to connect on a dual attack with the guitar. Ga/oP drops the guitar, and Benoit wrenches it away from Jarrett, swings for the fences, and pulls a Vlad Guerrero. His cover gets three before CC can jump in the ring and help a split-open Jarrett destroy Benoit after the match. Great match even with the overbooked finish, but Benoit vs. Jarrett is almost guaranteed to be excellent in any form. Disco Inferno asks Tenay about the dollar value of his Cruiserweight Championship in the back, but Creative Control and Jeff Jarrett bust in and kick the shit out of Disco in mindless anger. Oops, they did it right before his match against Evan Karagias (w/Madusa). At least Madusa figured out that she’s in Canada, so instead of American flag patterns on her clothing, she’s wearing red tights with stars on them. That’s more Soviet than Canadian, but whatever. Tony Marinara yells at Disco to get his ass up and get out there because Disco desperately needs to hit the pay windah tonight and get a much needed cash infusion. Karagias runs into the aisle and takes it to Disco, then brings him back to the ring and lands a dropkick for two. Tony Marinara’s not well mic’ed when he hits the commentary desk, but when his mic starts working, I wish it hadn’t. Marinara calls Disco “Glen Gilbertti” and pretty much threatens the guy if Disco/Glen doesn’t win this thing. In the meantime, Disco looks totally cooked. He hasn’t hit one iota of offense, and doesn’t until he barely stuffs a Karagias headscissors takeover and stomps a mudhole. Canadians don’t give a fuck about Karagias, but they do enjoy Disco’s dancing. This match is okay, honestly. It goes back and forth, and Disco gets up from a two count on a flash pinfall by Karagias and clotheslines the guy, and maybe don’t run that spot every fucking match, fellas. What is this, Road Wild ’99? Anyway, Disco goes up for a second-rope elbow, blows a kiss to Madusa, and then lands it for two. GOD, exclaims Disco when Karagias kicks out, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? How about winning an obligabrawl, Disco? Ah, there we go, he tries to after tossing Karagias to the floor, but he dives into a counter-dropkick and gets rolled back into the ring for two. The crowd starts a BO-RING chant, which I’m bummed about because it’s only going to encourage Russo and Ferrara to book shorter matches. This PPV has been kinda fun so far! Don’t fuck the next three months of PPVs up for everyone, Canada! Disco still can’t get a pinfall; he goes outside and tries to get a kiss from Madusa. She lures him in and slaps him. Karagias takes over as Tony Marinara tries to hit on Madusa. Karagias breaks off and confronts Marinara; Disco grabs a chair and tries to run down Karagias from behind with it, but Evan moves and Disco hits Marinara. Karagias grabs Disco, tosses him into the ring, and lands a springboard crossbody for the three, the Cruiserweight Championship, and twenty-five thousand dollars in the bargain. Karagias makes out with Madusa while Disco carries Marinara out over his shoulder. Again, WCW is known for overbooking its finishes, but this was fine, and the match, while not great, was perfectly cromulent besides. Bret Hart has just arrived at the arena for his match. He sips coffee from Starbucks, I think, based on the sleeve. Starbucks is terrible, but even a proud Canadian like Bret Hart would rather drink Starbucks over Tim Horton’s. That should tell you something. Western Canada has the superior province-wide coffee shops compared to Eastern Canada, in fairness. I bet Bret’s struggling without a Waves Coffee nearby. Russo yells at Jarrett for fucking up the game and tells him that he’d better make it up later tonight. Jarrett yells YOU WANT IT, YANKEE, YOU GOT IT like he’s a Confederate general about to march on Manassas. Norman Smiley is a real tough hardcore guy dressed in hockey goalkeeper pads who freaks out during his interview with Gene Okerlund because someone dropped a wrench nearby. In fairness, that sound did sort of mimic the glass shattering, so maybe Norm was just worried about eating a Stone Cold Stunner. Brian Knobbs (w/Jimmy Hart) faces Screamin’ Norman Smiley. Smiley gets a cheap pop because he’s got a Maple Leafs jersey on. Hey, there’s a hardcore belt, finally! What they did with the design is to illustrate the world itself as covered in barbed wire and to have KEWL font for the lettering on the face plate. They tried to do a neat visual approach with this design, but it doesn’t have nearly the panache of the cracked Winged Eagle that’s been hastily stuck back together with a roll of tape. The WWF Hardcore Championship, the first one, at least, is one of my favorite title designs ever. Anyway, here’s another trash brawl. The crowd is awake for it, though. Norm screams as Knobbs batters him with a trash can, then a broom, then a trash can again. Norm eventually gets the hockey stick and slapshots Knobbs’s face with it, then tries to Big Wiggle on Knobbs’s massive behind before getting ball shotted. Knobbs loosens Smiley’s shin guards, but Smiley escapes after Knobbs only gets one off; he rolls outside, where Jimmy Hart climbs on his back. How many trash can lid shots can possibly be entertaining? I miss the hell out of Hak. That guy actually had wrestling matches in between weapon shots. These fellas wander up the aisle and go backstage, where they trade some more weapon shots. This is so boring, man. This is a zero. There is an art to weapons brawls, and most of the guys in WCW don’t get it. But Toronto loves this thing! Every time Norman screams, the crowd chuckles. They OHH for every weapon shot, damn near. OK, the finish is actually pretty creative: They brawl into an elevator, and the door closes right before Jimmy Hart can swing his trash can; he swings it into the now-closed door. Hart slams on the call button, and the door re-opens. Hart swings again, but hits Knobbs instead of Smiley, and Smiley covers for three. Knobbs destroys Smiley and Hart both after the match, but Screamin’ Norman is the inaugural WCW Hardcore Champion. Uh, I mean, unless you count Fit Finlay. Recap: This Filthy Animals/Revolution feud has been crappy, but not flat-out crappy enough to make my Worst Feuds list…yet. Shane Douglas tells Tenay that he’s not worried about what if Asya has to go one-on-three with the Filthy Animals; he rather thinks Torrie is the one in danger. Malenko and Saturn do their two-man comedy act, and it’s sort of growing on me, I think? Malenko says that asking what if is a question that historians have pondered, and Saturn cuts in to ask, “What if the dinosaurs were still alive?” Saturn: TONIGHT, WE’RE GONNA EXTERMINATE THE FILTHY ANIMALS, JUST LIKE WE DID THE DINOSAURS. OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKIN’. MAN WASN’T ALIVE WHEN THE DINOSAURS WERE. ALL I’M TRYIN’ TO SAY IS, WHAT IF?! That got a genuine laugh out of me. Saturn is legit one of my favorite pro wrestlers. I just adore the guy. I’ll say more about him when he leaves the company in a couple of months, but re-watching this stuff has planted him squarely on my personal list of all-time favorites. Okerlund talks to the Filthy Animals. Konnan does his FEEL IT – THAT’S ENOUGH thing with Gene, but he makes me laugh because he says “What is it, Gene, the belt or the hat?” and without missing a beat, Gene responds, “The hat.” Both of them get credit for that one. Disco apologizes to Tony Marinara backstage, but Marinara says that tomorrow on Nitro, he’s “bringin’ da boys.” So, Big Vito’s on his way, then? Alright, let’s knock out this Eddy Guerrero/Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson vs. Saturn/Dean Malenko/Asya match. Shane Douglas joins commentary, unfortunately. Eddy and Kidman take down Asya after getting rid of Saturn and Malenko. The match turns into a conventional match after this, and I think the Canadians are bored again, maybe? No, a pocket of them are chanting for Torrie rather than chanting BORING, it seems. At this point in the proceedings, I disagree with either of those chants, whichever one it was. Some fan with a Canadian flag pokes Malenko with it and security marches him out, but the way they linger on it screams “plant.” Who knows, with WCW. Meanwhile, Torrie bashes Asya’s head into the mat in extremely slow motion, then sells an ankle injury. Eddy checks on her and shoves Kidman away blindly when Kidman comes over to check as well. Kidman stumbles back into a rollup from Malenko for three. Eddy and Kidman shove each other around while the crowd chants EDDY. I agree with that one. Anyway, every group needs consistent discord in a Russo and Ferrara-run company, so whatever. Konnan marches away from ringside shortly after. What in the hell is going on here? This is the first match that has actually sucked because they went straight to overbooking things without having a good wrestling match first. The crowd applauds for an Asya vertical suplex of Eddy. I think this thing is bad enough that, yeah, I’m going to have to list the Filthy Animals/Revolution feud on the Worst Feuds list. I just think I’ve dreaded these segments and matches too much to be into it. Eddy eliminates Malenko on a rana out of nowhere. Asya and Saturn work Eddy over for a while, but Saturn whiffs on a superkick after Eddy ducks while Asya holds him. Eddy backdrops Saturn to the floor, then goes up and lands a Frog Splash on Asya for three, eliminating her. The Filthy Animals’s music plays, then stops suddenly. Saturn attacks Eddy, and lets see if production cued the winner’s music up a bit early because they forgot that Saturn was still in the match. I think the Canada starts chanting for the Rock, maybe? Douglas: SHUT UP, CANADA. I don’t know, folks, this match is just a bit much. Saturn and Eddy work entirely too hard for this goofy match, and I’m glad that they’re going to get off this sinking ship in a couple of months. Saturn drills Eddy with a DVD, but that move has been de-powered lately, so Eddy kicks out at two. Eddy crawls over for a tag, but then realizes that dopey-ass Torrie is his only legal partner, so instead of tagging, he tries a rana and gets two. Next, he tries a dive, but Saturn rolls through into a Rings of Saturn and gets the submission elimination. Alright, we’re down to Saturn vs. Torrie. Torrie manages to kick Saturn in the balls, covers, and gets two; in response, Saturn forearms Torrie in the vagina and covers for three. Tony S. “Well, I can only assume that hurt.” Yeah, I’m going to guess that no matter which are your most private of parts, it hurts to get forearmed in them! DUD, terrible, a waste of good talent. Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control jump Buff Bagwell in his locker room and beat him down. Curt Hennig faces Buff Bagwell in a Loser Must Retire Match. Whoever loses, we all win! Hennig makes his way to the ring, but Buff doesn’t initially make it out when his entrance music starts. Will he show?! Nope. Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control walk out here. This is a mistake because I like Jarrett, but this is already too much Jarrett on this show. And I can’t stand Creative Control, so this is far too much Creative Control. They beat down Hennig for a while, but Buff runs down with a 2x4 and chases them off. Hennig then jumps Buff as Buff stares down Russo’s boys. A fairly sizeable group of Torontonians starts chanting PERFECT, so I think they’ve chosen their rooting interest. They have an uninspired obligabrawl during which Buff completely whiffs on a double-axe. This show had a really good opener, a decent second match, a nothing third match with a neat finish…basically, we’ve been trending downward with each match, though hopefully, we hit a valley halfway through and then peak again in the main event. This match stinks and should be even shorter than it is, a rare thing in the Russo-Ferrara Era. About the time Hennig locks on a sleeper, I wonder why Ed Ferrara seems to get off scot free for the booking of these shows and Russo is like the central guy who gets blamed for most everything? I get that Russo is unlikeable, but the general wrestling commentariat tags him with stuff that Nash and Bischoff are responsible for and also tags him for every idea from this era, maybe including that Oklahoma nonsense. Anyway, I’m bored. Let’s get to the finish. I mean, this goes on forever and a day. Back and forth and back and forth. There should be suspense on this surprise Hennig small package that gets two, but no one cares. Buff lands a Blockbuster out of almost nowhere for three. Bobby Heenan tries to feel emotion about his former client losing his career, but he’s checked out entirely. Toronto applauds Hennig even though this angle won’t matter by tomorrow, probably, because Toronto loves themselves an ‘80s or early ‘90s WWF star. Sting talks to Mike Tenay about his semifinal match against the Hitman. The Stinger says that Bret must realize that Sting should still be the champ anyway and that Bret having home-arena advantage in Canada doesn’t change that Sting's really still the true champ. Actually, Goldberg should be the champ, but don’t let that stop you from popping off, Stinger. The Hitman comes to the ring to a nice ovation to face off with Sting. Bret hits the ring while wearing a Canadian National Men’s Hockey Team jersey for full effect. Sting follows, and this crowd seems sort of muted for his entrance, which is weird. Sting’s wrestling in a t-shirt, which is also weird. The shirt has his own face on it. Who is he, Bam Bam Bigelow? They shove each other and get all testy. Bret wins a punch-up, and the crowd explodes. Hell, they pop big for Bret raking Sting’s eyes across the top rope. People make fun of the Hitman for acting like he was the number one Canadian wrestling representative, but he actually was the number one Canadian wrestling representative. I can report that even today, if you want to get a friendly smile or comment from a Canadian, wearing a Hitman t-shirt will probably get you one. Also, wearing a Randy Savage t-shirt will probably get you one. Canadians love the hell out of Randy Savage. So do most people, I'd suppose, regardless of nationality. Sting comes back with stomps and strikes. His OWWWW is met with boos, a middle finger, and one Canadian in a Sting mask and nWo tee cheering for him. That’s pretty funny. Anyway, this match is watchable, but Sting and Bret just don’t click in the way I'd hope on PPV. Sting hits a low blow and goes back to the ol’ stomp-choke. An elbowdrop gets two for the Stinger, who goes right to the chinlock. Bret fights up and breaks away, but runs himself right into a kneelift. Sting lands another elbow for two, then dumps the Hitman outside for an obligabrawl. Sting tries a Stinger Splash on Hart as the Hitman is slumped against the announcers’ table, but Hart moves. That’s about the most interesting thing that happens before Sting regains control and sends the match back to the ring. Sting charges the Hitman, who gets a boot up; Bret tries to follow with a diving elbow, but Sting yanks Mickey Jay into the way to cause a ref bump. That should be a DQ win for the Hitman, but we need to have TTP and Liz run down so that Package can hit Sting in the knee with a baseball bat (to a pop!). Package tries again, but Bret yanks the bat away, hits him with it, and locks him in a Sharpshooter. Package taps out while Jay calls for the bell, correctly, since Sting cheated. I mean, he calls for the bell because he thinks Package attacked the Hitman, so that’s wrong, but calling for the bell in general is the correct move. Bret demands that the match is re-started, and he and Sting go back at it. O-VER-BOOK-ING *clap clap clapclapclap*. This is fucking dumb. Not every match needs some wild shit in it! Two guys can just wrestle a straightforward bout sometimes! When every match has a special bit of interference, those special spots rapidly become un-special! Sting and the Hitman actually have a cromulent finishing run in which Sting puts the Hitman in the Scorpion Death Lock, but the Hitman reverses it by punching Sting in the knee that Package injured and inducing a tap out. The finish, while good in a vacuum, falls apart after you think about it for a couple of seconds. The honorable babyface Hitman didn’t want to win by cheapie Package interference, but he was fine with using the injury that Package caused during that cheapie interference to win! Makes sense! Makes so much sense! Sting calls the Hitman back into the ring and turns babyface again by shaking hands with Bret. Or maybe not. SHADES OF GRAY, BRO! Chris Benoit talks backstage with Okerlund about his big finals match against Bret Hart. I’ll give Russo and Ferrara this much: They are booking the title tournament for the crowd they have in front of them. Kudos to them for that. If Vince were booking this, Jarrett would be facing Sting in the finals. TTP pretends that he has a neck injury from that last run-in while talking to Tenay backstage; he illustrates to Tenay that he’s now in a cervical collar, then pulls a stereotypical Canadian move by apologizing profusely. In this case, he’s apologizing for not being able to wrestle Meng later tonight. He promises to write a check to compensate every fan in the building for not getting to see him wrestle as promised. Package is pretty good at this chickenshit heel thing! Vampiro (w/Jerry Only) faces Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER) next. Aw, shit, fucking Oklahoma and Dr. Death soon follow. I didn’t realize that this match in the ring was a dog collar match. Maybe I missed that somewhere along the way during the build. Berlyn knocks out ref Charles Robinson before he can hook the collar on, and TW,B jumps Vampiro. I guess this is a tornado tag match, now? Who knows or cares, really. I hope someone crams that bottle of barbecue sauce Oklahoma is carrying down his fucking throat. No dice, though. That guy just keeps repeating words three times and talking about imaginary football backgrounds of wrestlers because the joke, if you repeat it, only gets funnier! Just keep repeating yourself, Ferrara, you absolute dipshit. It’s absurd that I feel this way, but I almost feel something like searing hatred for this dude. And not “I want to see him get beaten up by a babyface” hatred, but “I hope a fan wielding a knife cuts him in half” kind of hatred. BOY, I don’t think I’ve hated a gimmick or its performance this much in a long, long time. Berlyn insists on getting the pinfall himself, so TW,B walks out on him. That leaves Berlyn at a marked disadvantage since Jerry Only is still out here with Vampiro. Only and Vampiro combine to kick the shit out of Berlyn; Vampiro earns a submission victory with a chain assisted Camel Clutch before Dr. Death runs in and beats down Vampiro and Only to crickets. SUPER DUD. What a terrible segment. Mike Tenay catches up with new double-champion Scott Hall in the back; apparently, Rick Steiner didn’t make his title defense since he's still recuperating from that Sid powerbomb he took right through the Nitro stage. Hall laughs about both Steiner Brothers being in the hospital, then makes an open challenge to the locker room. Curt Hennig walks out of the arena as Norman Smiley and Konnan see him off. Kimberly walks into the arena. No one sees her into it at all. The Total Package (w/Liz) has been ordered to work this match with Meng by the TPtB, which is a shame because it’s almost certainly not going to be very good. Some bored Canadian yells RETIRE at Package, but I think TTP has a lot of value, though he probably needs to be in a tag team at this point in his career for maximum proper usage. Package doesn’t get a single chance to beg off, and Meng clubbers him. It’s pretty solid clubbering, actually. Luger scores an eye rake and a vertical suplex while some persistent Canadian neo-Nazi keeps trying to get his 14:88 sign on the hard cam. It’s been all night with that guy. Yeah, we get it, you’re a Creative Control fan in the most insidious of manners, but please move on. Ah, I see why Package has the neck brace on; it helps him block the TDG. Meng stops trying to apply it and goes to a boot choke while TTP yells for HELP! Package trying to step into the “sneakfuck cowardly heel” void left by Chris Jericho’s absence isn’t the worst thing in the world! This match isn’t, like, good. I wouldn’t say it’s charming or unique. Package is definitely entertaining me, though. Anyway, Liz misses badly on a mace shot and sprays Package. He’s so hurt that he can’t defend against Meng ripping off his collar and is a sitting duck for a TDG that actually gets a tiny pop; Meng wins it with ease. Bret Hart talks backstage with Okerlund about his big finals match against Chris Benoit. A pained Package walks through the back during the interview yelling for Liz. David Flair polishes his crowbar in the back. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out if what I typed in that previous sentence was a) figurative, b) literal, or c) they teased the figurative version of the act and panned around to show that it was actually literal. Scott Hall makes his way out for this open challenge. He does some cursory mic work and promises that Kevin Nash is on his way to the arena. Booker T.’s music plays, then stops, then plays again. I can’t imagine that Booker’s going over. Honestly, I’m not sure that Booker wins the U.S. Championship until the last month of WCW’s existence, well after he’s won the World Championship multiple times. Anyway, this is barely a match because Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control run in and attack Booker after a handful of minutes, right after Booker survives a bunch of Hall offense (including being on the wrong end of an obligabrawl) and makes a comeback. Book dispatches of CC and goes after Jarrett, which allows Hall to sneak a Razor’s Edge for three. Book gets stomped out after the match, but Midnight makes the save. I guess we got our one good match for the night with Jarrett/Benoit, and maybe if we’re patient, we’ll get a second one out of Hitman/Benoit at the end of the night. Luger is still looking for Liz, and it’s impossible to know if anything will come of this. Recap: The Flairs and the Pages is like the Hatfields and the McCoys, practically. Can you believe that there are still forty-five minutes left in this fucking show? I blame the crowd for getting vocally bored in the middle of match number two. That led to the rest of this show. I don’t know how, but it did. I am praying that this David Flair/Kimberly feud will end after tonight, but I’m probably not that lucky. Kimberly walks down and is entirely not dressed for a wrestling match. Who does she think she is, Jacquelyn? She looks awfully confident as she comes to the ring; she lewdly stretches her calves and hamstrings as the fellas in this crowd vocally go full horndog. Flair walks over to lock up, and Kim kicks him in the nuts. Dave indicates that he’s got a cup on, grabs the crowbar, and knocks ref Nick Patrick out with it. Davey then walks over and prepares to whack a pleading Kimberly with the crowbar while some fans, which I think include a few ladies, chant SUCK IT. 1999, everyone! Kim considers it and actually is like, Yo, what if I did blow you, Dave? Would that mollify you? She reaches down Dave’s pants…and yanks his cup out, then punts him in the balls again. Kim kicks Dave in the ribs a couple of times, then makes him sniff his own cup before mounting Dave and throwing slaps that threaten to cause her to pull a Jacquelyn. Dave tosses her away, but Kanyon tears down the ramp and side Russians Flair the Younger, then stops him before he can swing the crowbar again and beats him up. DDP limps down, and even though Dave manages to recover enough to hit Kanyon in the nuts with the crowbar, Page drills Dave with a Diamond Cutter. DDP grabs the crowbar and prepares to break Dave’s ankle with it; Arn Anderson runs down, wrenches the crowbar away, and backs Page off. Most importantly, SELF HIGH FIVE plays because the censors missed it. Also somewhat importantly, Dave hits Arn in the kidney with the crowbar, then takes off through the crowd. Oh man, this was some truly dire television! So bad! So, so bad! It’s possible that Goldberg and Sid could have an amazing I Quit Match. People don’t think of either of these guys as great pro wrestlers, but I do. I have a wider definition of “greatness” in pro wrestling, maybe. I don’t care if Sid throws goofy punches or whatever. Yeah, the agent who helped them put together their Havoc match also deserves credit; yes, wrestling is collaborative beyond the guys in the ring. Still, Sid and Goldberg are great, and that match is my Exhibit A. However, with the booking style that Russo and Ferrara want to establish, there’s almost zero chance that this match will be anywhere near as good as that one. Sid talks to Mike Tenay and vows never to say “I quit” in this upcoming bout. Weirdly, though the censors dubbed over Jarrett’s theme, they didn’t manage to dub over DDP’s or Sid’s. I bet said censor assigned to this show gave up on watching it about four matches in, and I can’t entirely blame them. The problem is that this show is loaded with talent, but other than Sid/Goldberg and the promise of a Hitman/Benoit rematch, Mayhem is filled with crappy feuds that were built poorly. Sid and Goldberg trade blows to start, and Goldberg gets the best of things with a powerslam. Sid gets right back to his feet, and the brawl spills outside, where a GOLDBERG SUCKS chant fires up because we’re in Toronto, and the crowd is partial to Syko Sid, understandably. It dies down, though. They obligabrawl, then go back to the ring, where Sid hits a Shinonomake Slam to a light SID chant. Sid chokes Goldberg with a boot; the SID chant gets slightly louder. Sid locks on a goozle and hits a chokeslam to a pop. Sid looks for another one and gets it. Sid is languid about continuing his assault, and Goldberg locks on an armbar as the GOLDBERG SUCKS chant fires up here in Bizarroland WWF country. Then, in a wet fart of a sudden finish, Goldberg locks on a sleeper and Sid goes night-night. The match ends because Sid is out cold even though this is an I Quit Match. What in fuck? Why. WHY. WHYYYYYYYY book an I QUIT MATCH if you don’t want EITHER GUY to quit?! WHY THE FUCK. WOULD YOU BOOK YOURSELF. INTO THAT PARTICULAR CORNER. FUCK OFF ONCE MORE, WCW. TTP talks to Okerlund and basically threatens Liz for screwing up; he plans to see her at Nitro. At least Bret Hart and Chris Benoit meeting for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship will get a good amount of time, around twenty-ish minutes or so. Benoit’s new music sucks, by the way. Benoit and Bret tangle in the corner and ref Charles Robinson has to step in and break it. They lock up again and Benoit hits a snap arm drag. Bret resets and they collar-and-elbow one more time, with Bret again shoving Benoit back into the corner. They try a Greco-Roman knuckle lock, and Bret wins that and works an arm wringer. Benoit works to his feet, gets Bret in motion and hits him with a kneelift, then another. Benoit goes to the chinlock, which Bret immediately uses his weight to shift into a pinfall attempt for two. The crowd chants LET’S GO BRET as Benoit and Bret run the ropes. Benoit wins a shoulderblock, then runs again and tries a sunset flip. Bret rolls through and tries a Sharpshooter, but Benoit grabs an arm and tries a Crippler Crossface. Bret escapes, and both men regard one another and shake hands. See, that’s how you do a proper standoff. Bret regains control and lands a handful of lifters in the corner. He tries to shoot Benoit into the other corner, but Benoit reverses and then, in a COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY run-in, that fan who poked Malenko in the gut with his flagpole enters the arena again, but this time, it actually is Malenko himself. So, wait, hold up: Malenko hired a plant to antagonize him and get kicked out so that…he could dress up as the plant who was already ejected from the arena and attack Benoit in the final? That makes no logical sense. None. Zero, zip, zilch, nada. You could have just, I don’t know, had Malenko jump out of the crowd without all the nonsensical setup. Bret goes out and punches Malenko until Malenko is led out; then, the Hitman lands a piledriver on Benoit back in the ring. What in fuck, man. This match is still good, but that spot was entirely superfluous. This idea that shit has to happen just because, hey, shit happening is automatically entertaining is dumb as hell. Can you imagine Russo and Ferrara having any patience for some of the slower classic films out there? A random waiter would have decked Shawn with a serving tray ten minutes into My Dinner With Andre if Russo had directed it, just because SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN, BRO, PEOPLE ARE GONNA GET BORED IF NOTHING HAPPENS, BRO. THEY'RE JUST FUCKING TALKING ABOUT EXISTENTIALISM OR WHATEVER, BRO, THAT'S NOT GONNA GET RATINGS. It's unfortunate that I’ve been distracted because this match is solid, and it picks up around the time Benoit drills Bret with a Tombstone. Benoit signals for the diving headbutt, goes up, and drills it…and FUCK YOU, WCW, the Outsiders run out here. Hall clears out the ref, then attacks Benoit while Nash lines up a chair shot on the Hitman. Goldberg runs out and spears Nash before Nash can swing, but Hall picks up the chair and clocks Goldberg with it. Hart clears Hall out, and you know what, I’m out. This is some fucking bullshit. JUST HAVE A ONE-ON-ONE MATCH WITH NO INTERFERENCE AND A CLEAN FINISH, YOU DICKHEADS. Fuck you, Russo and Ferrara. If the finish is all that matters, then I’ll report the finish. There are nine minutes of good action after Goldberg and the Outsiders brawl to the back. Bret survives a Figure Four and a sustained targeting of his still-injured ankle. They actually have a fairly torrid finishing run in which Bret barely avoids the Crippler Crossface, then manages to trip Benoit and turn him over into a Sharpshooter that coaxes a submission and awards the bout and the big gold belt to the Hitman. If this match had zero run-ins, or maybe even just one run-in, it’s on one of my good lists, but I think it had one run-in too many that fucked up the flow of the match for me to really vibe with it. This was in no way the fault of the workers in the ring. It’s just that the guys running this show don’t understand pro wrestling. Honestly, watch the first match and the last nine minutes or so of the main event, and throw the rest of this one in the bin. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caley Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 2 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: Disco was delivered a dead fish. He hit Iaukea with it before landing a Chartbuster. I don't write this stuff, I just report it. I sure can! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKBmji_TqqM I just thought it was so funny that a dude got hit with a fish (Which I do NOT remember) but you've become so desensitized to Russo's nonsense that you're just like "Disco hits Iaukea with the fish, then lands a Chartbuster and storms away{ as if he'd just hit him with a clothesline. I think it'd probably be like if you went back and watched 2004 WWE what with Eugene, Gene Snitsky, the Lita-Kane wedding, the murder of Paul Bearer, etc. that by the time you got to the Diva Search and Christy Hemme proclaiming that her "butt was hungry" or calling Carmella DeCesare a "c-- guzzling guttersl-t" you'd basically be like "Yeah, that tracks." And, hmm, i thought I'd dreamt Backstage Assault...I don't remember if I ever played it. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zendragon Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 I think WCW Mayhem was the last WCW PPV I ever saw, and Perry Saturn once got shot in the neck while stopping a rape with his bare hands 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caley Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 13 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: So, Big Vito’s on his way, then? There is a Nitro or Thunder off in the future where Vito is given mic time to big himself up and my brother and I used to cue it up and watch repeatedly because he was trying to get a zillion catchphrases over "I'm the Pavarotti of shots to the body and my t feels really...good!" and " I'm the goomba of ooh aah! " 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 6 hours ago, zendragon said: I think WCW Mayhem was the last WCW PPV I ever saw, and Perry Saturn once got shot in the neck while stopping a rape with his bare hands My affection for Saturn as a wrestler doesn't even take into account that real life story. That's one guy whose GFM I'd gladly give to. 1 hour ago, caley said: There is a Nitro or Thunder off in the future where Vito is given mic time to big himself up and my brother and I used to cue it up and watch repeatedly because he was trying to get a zillion catchphrases over "I'm the Pavarotti of shots to the body and my t feels really...good!" and " I'm the goomba of ooh aah! " I do well remember the Mamalukes from when I went back to watching WCW. I recall finding them faintly annoying, but mostly boring. And I hated Reno's Roll of the Dice before hating the Roll of the Dice was cool! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 29 Author Share Posted August 29 (edited) Show #215 - 22 November 1999 “The one that finally turns Sid babyface” This Nitro is the first one that I’m watching on my actual television in this whole watch. My wife is early to sleep, so I figured what the hell, I’ll grab the Chromebook and type on it rather than use it to watch a wrestling show that I’m reviewing. This is kind of exciting! Boy, I’m old. The most innocuous little change in my routine gets me all excited now. Bret Hart is our new WCW World Heavyweight Champion, and he’s headed full steam toward an obvious heel turn even though Benoit/Hitman in the finals in Toronto is ostensibly a feel-good finish to the world title tourney. Jeff Jarrett declares that he’s the Chosen One, and he’s going on the warpath tonight. He walks on purposefully, holding one of his many breakable guitars. The Hitman comes to the ring to crow a little bit. We get stills of the Hitman surviving his bouts with Sting and Benoit at Mayhem to score the title. It’s a little crazy to me that the Hitman only got the big gold about four-ish weeks before he suffers that career-ending injury from Goldberg. The Hitman promises to be the best world champ WCW has ever had, thanks the fans for their support in this trying year, and dedicates this world title victory to Stu. We’re in Detroit, so a few fans from Windsor right across the border are here and start a weak CANADA chant. Bret says that Goldberg got screwed in the Hitman’s first round victory over him and offers him a title shot at Starrcade. The Outsiders wander out to the top of the stage. Hall has a t-shirt on for an airport strip club called the Landing Strip, which is a punny name in multiple ways, actually. Hall pooh-poohs Hart’s vow to be a great champ and basically has a very boring case of verbal diarrhea. Nash takes the mic and says that just because Bret’s t-shirt says he’s the best, that doesn’t make him the best. Nash: “I guess that makes me Joe Boxer.” Hall: “And I’m the Landing Strip” *dudes in crowd pop huge for the mention of the Landing Strip*. OK, that made me laugh. The Outsiders challenge Bret to find Goldberg and tag up with him against them; Bret agrees, and shortly after, Jeff Jarrett jumps into the ring, bashes the Hitman with a guitar, and claims the big gold belt for his own. Unfortunately, I do not have the proper themes pulled up on Youtube, so I have to suffer this awful dubbed Jarrett theme. Other matches for tonight promoted by the commentary team: Konnan and Kidman against Creative Control for the tag belts; Vampiro vs. THE WALL, BROTHER; Booker T. vs. Buff Bagwell; Spice vs. Tygress; and a flag match between Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko. Why is Curt Hennig in this arena? He’s donezo. Hennig talks to Tenay and says that he’s done for good in WCW; he’s honoring the retirement stip, but he’s saying goodbye tonight no matter what TPtB wants. We randomly pan over to Ryan Shamrock chilling with the Maestro as the latter plinks out his entrance theme on the piano. Her name in this run is Symphony, right? I think so. Konnan tries to talk Kidman down from being all aggy over last night’s incident between Eddy Guerrero, Torrie Wilson, and himself; Oklahoma and Dr. Death fire each other up backstage. Shiiiiit, Johnny the Bull and Big Vito are here alongside Tony Marinara. These fellas sort of stink. They do some bad comedy in the locker room based on the Bull and Vito being distracted from terrorizing Disco because they’re hungry. The Total Package declares to Russo that he wants to book Meng vs. Liz tonight in TPtB’s office. Package says that he has control over Liz's bookings because of their shamefully unfair managerial contract. Russo loves that Package is putting the screws to a woman and slaps hands with TTP. Liz sees this on a monitor backstage and, rattled, vows not to take part in that match. Are we going to put the fucking tag belts on Creative Control? This is actually even worse than if they put them on Knobbs and Morrus. CC is so nondescript and boring. At least we'd get some nice fat man top-rope moves from Morrus if he and Knobbs were champs. Konnan and Kidman come down alone. Are the Filthy Animals already going to break up? Some teenager who has never felt the touch of a woman waves around a TORRIE + ME = NAKED SEX. “Naked sex?” Yeah, anyone who writes that phrase has never had sex before, naked or otherwise. CC hits a bunch of offense on Kidman. They do some impact moves, but they don’t read as impactful even as big as these guys are. Kidman’s FIP immediately after the bell rings and gets a hot tag ninety seconds in after a rebound bulldog. Someone puts Kid Cam footage of Eddy macking on Torrie on the TurnerTron, and Kidman takes off, leaving Konnan behind to get dissected and hit with a weak back suplex that earns a three count and the tag titles for Creative Control. WOOF. Meanwhile, Kidman busts into the Filthy Animals’s locker room and attacks Eddy; Dellinger and security mooks break it up. The Hitman tells Mike Tenay that he’s not worried about having a target on his back and promises to put the Outsiders and Jarrett in their places in short order. Goldberg walks up and tells Bret to focus on Jarrett; he’ll take the Outsiders down tonight by his lonesome. This isn’t telegraphing a heel turn; this is sending a barrage of very descriptive text messages about the heel turn. Stacy Keibler - uh, Skye - tries to stop Spice from fighting Tygress later tonight, but Spice insists that it’s going down. Curt Hennig tells Buff that there are no hard feelings for the result of their Loser Must Retire Match at Mayhem and insists that Buff needs to lead the new generation of stars while the Maestro continues to play an elegy for Hennig’s career at the piano. Norman Smiley walks to the ring while wearing in a Lions helmet and Charlie Batch jersey, and of course, his newly won WCW Hardcore Championship as well. Smiley says a few words before his bout about how he fits the definition of the word “hardcore” and dances. Smiley: “How hardcore am I? This morning, I drank milk that was two days past [the] expiration [date].” This dork, heh heh. He offers an open challenge for his title. In a bit of booking that actually makes logical sense, Fit Finlay runs down in street clothes and beats the hell out of Norm, including with Smiley’s own Lions helmet. Finlay’s leg is still scarred to hell. Should he even be working this soon after that injury? It was only three months ago that he almost lost that leg. Finlay finishes his beatdown of Smiley by dismissively tossing the belt at him. The Hitman vs. Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship is a GO for tonight. I recall seeing Bret, Jarrett, Scott Steiner, and Nash in the header for the final Souled Out as a new nWo, so it’ll be interesting to see how they get there from here, maybe. TTP dresses down a pleading, begging Liz in the hallway. Hall makes fun of Goldberg’s likely strategy in their handicap match (SPEAR SPEAR JACKHAMMER JACKHAMMER) and discusses with Nash how the Outsiders are going to take Goldberg out; Nash declares that the “band” is still getting back together, and there’s nothing that Goldberg can do about it. Disco walks up on Chavo trying to sell cheap jewelry to Vito and the Bull and runs away without anyone noticing. Tenay interviews Jarrett backstage, who insists that his loss at Mayhem was merely a blip on his road to being the CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE. New Cruiserweight Champ Evan Karagias holds hands with his lady Madusa as they walk down the ramp. Karagias’s opponent is Saturn, who is seconded by Asya. The camera person really wants to get all in there so we can see Karagias make out with Madusa for some reason. Saturn suplexes Karagias out of that liplock, and then tries to make out with Madusa in turn and is rolled up by Karagias for two. Brad Armstrong comes out in ‘60s garb like a broke-ass version of Van Hammer from a few months ago. He puts down his sign, which says HELL NO, I WON’T GO, and joins commentary, where he declares himself to be Buzzkill. In the meantime, Saturn wraps a Rings of Saturn on Karagias; Madusa tries to break it up after Asya finally realizes that she's supposed to be stopping Madusa from trying to enter the ring and is late to her spot. Madusa ends up going at it with Asya. Saturn and Karagias break things up. I think Karagias submitted, by the way. The segment ends with the women being separated. Kidman, standing next to a sad/annoyed/constipated Torrie Wilson, tells Tenay that Eddy Guerrero stabbed him in the back and that he expects to see Guerrero in the ring later tonight to settle their differences. Eddy is sorry that he tried to bang Torrie, but if Kidman can’t let that go, Eddy’s going to have to beat the shit out of the guy. The Maestro has been playing background music through every backstage interview and talking segment other than the Outsiders’s interview, by the way. No, I don’t know where this is going. Vampiro (w/The Misfits) faces THE WALL, BROTHER (w/Berlyn). Oklahoma and Dr. Death join commentary and do their thing. Their thing still sucks. TW,B beats down Vampiro, but is swarmed by the Misfits after winning an obligabrawl. He escapes any long term damage and gets back in the ring to continue beating down Vampiro. Vampiro manages a comeback and tries to take out TW,B’s wheels. Berlyn hops in the ring right as TW,B is able to goozle Vampiro and slams Vampiro in the back with a chair, drawing a DQ win for Vamp that pisses off TW,B. Berlyn and TW,B square up; Berlyn slaps TW,B, then begs off and runs away as TW,B pursues. Meanwhile, Dr. Death rips off his shirt and beats up a bunch of Misfits in the ring. Vampiro eventually kicks Dr. Death to the floor. This was all a bit much, y’know? Jeff Jarrett, flanked by new tag champs Creative Control, comes to the ring to face Bret Hart, but not before Liz locks herself into that shark cage that the Revolution had Torrie in a couple weeks back so that she can dodge the Meng match. Um, why not just leave the building entirely, sis? I know, I know, EVERYONE LOVES A MILF IN A CAGE, BRO. A limo pulls up before Bret/Jarrett (w/Creative Control), too, but we don't see who is in it yet. Jarrett’s wearing the world title. 2000 was the year where two guys were world champs in two different companies who I just didn’t buy at that level at the time (Jarrett in WCW; Triple H in the WWF). I’m still not sure that I buy HHH at that level, honestly. They just stuck the belt on him so many times that I sort of accepted it, but I don’t think I ever really bought into him. Jarrett, I have come around on as a legit main eventer, even if most of that legit main event stuff wasn’t very good in either WCW or TNA. Anyway, Jarrett and the Hitman brawl inside the ring, then brawl outside the ring. It’s all solid, I suppose. They get back in the ring and, uh, brawl some more before brawling outside the ring again. So many obligabrawls! Hart gets dumped across the guardrail as Grant Hill cackles in the front row. This is a very ‘90s brawl, and you know, it’s cromulent for what it is. The crowd seems engaged with it. It’s just of its time, and that time was 25 years ago. Some things are timeless, of course, like ‘80s Southern tags, but late ’90s brawls aren’t quite at that level, you know? Bret fights out of a sleeper in the ring, and there’s a double-clothesline spot shortly after that. They get to their feet, and Bret wins a punch-up and lands a side Russian and a second-rope elbow for two. He lands a backbreaker next; it only gets two more. The Hitman looks for a superplex, but Jarrett knocks him off the ropes and lands a diving clothesline, then tries a sunset flip that Bret sits down on for two. I am the opposite of shocked that these two are having a fun conventional finishing run. Bret lands a crossbody for two that Jarrett shifts leverage on and gets two of his own. Jarrett tries a dropkick on a rope run, but Bret stops short and tries to lock on a Sharpshooter. Jarrett kicks away and Bret tumbles to ringside. Creative Control surrounds Bret, and as Mickey Jay walks over to warn them away, Dustin Rhodes jumps in the ring from the other side, big gold belt in his hands, and clobbers Jarrett in the dome with it. Bret makes his way back into the ring and covers Jarrett for an academic three count as CC chase Rhodes up the ramp and to the back. I think I liked that, actually, as it picked up there in the finishing run and the overbooking in the finish wasn’t egregious. I sure wish these two would get a longer match with zero interference, though. TTP apologizes to the still caged Liz for losing his temper and says that he’ll get her out of this Meng match. Liz sighs with relief and hands Package the key, which is a huge mistake, come on, sister dear. Package changes his tune and says that he’ll forklift that cage to the ring if he has to because Liz has to learn her lesson. Liz sees Sting walking by and begs him to talk to TTP and get him to call off this Meng match, but Sting’s disinterested in all that. If this Eddy Guerrero/Billy Kidman (w/pleading Torrie - lots of pleading women on this show tonight) match is designed to get Guerrero out of the Filthy Animals, that’s a good idea. He is completely out of place as part of this group. Konnan comes out here with Eddy, pleading with Eddy not to have this match. Kidman dives onto Eddy at ringside while Tony S. claims that TPtB pink slipped an injured Arn Anderson while Arn is in the hospital. Shots fired at that dickhead Eric Bischoff! Also, that’s probably a sign that Ric Flair is going to be back on television soon, feuding with TPtB over Arn being fired. Torrie and Konnan have an animated conversation as they watch Eddy control an obligabrawl with Kidman. Eddy rolls Kidman back into the ring and bullies the guy. He lands a nice back suplex, but doesn’t move to put the guy away. This is a mistake, as he misses a corner charge and is hit with a lariat by Kidman. Control of the match flips back and forth until Eddy headbutts Kidan in the junk on a leapover. As Eddy controls, Dean Malenko and Shane Douglas run down and destroy Konnan, smashing his arm between the ringpost and the stairs. Kidman’s got control now, and he goes up for an SSP, but is stopped by Torrie, who tries to get him to help Konnan. That gives Eddy time to go up, suplex Kidman to the mat, and land a Frog Splash for three. The overbooking has at least made sense and has set up some potential threads for future storylines and matches tonight. Russo actually makes me laugh with his meanness as he gives Creative Control orders backstage. First, he asks which one of them is Patrick, then quickly shrugs off his own question - “Doesn’t matter.” After that, he sends them to find Jim Duggan and reminds them of his characteristics to make him easier to find - “big goof, one kidney.” He also asks CC to figure out who is in the limo that pulled up in the parking lot, but before they can leave, Jeff Jarrett busts into the office and yells at them for not having his back during the finish of his title match. Meng walks to the ring, but Liz is about to be forklifted there! CC tracks down the big goof with one kidney and sends him to Russo’s office. That cutie Spice cuts a pre-match promo with Tenay, but Skye walks up and again pleads for Spice to back out of the match. Spice continues to refuse. Gee, there are three women on Spice’s side of this feud and only two on Tygress’s side. I wonder what Skye will choose to do if Spice refuses to listen to her? Wait, I’m not calling Sharmell “Storm,” so scratch that last sentence: I wonder what Stacy will do if Spice refuses to listen to her? If you like MILFs in cages, BRO, this Meng/Liz match is for you! Meng tries to bust through the cage, then bends the bars back before TTP comes up and offers Meng the key. Meng TDGs Package in response, then rips out a bar of the cage and grabs Liz. Good guy Sting re-thinks his past refusal and runs down, then destroys Meng with the bat. Sting grabs the key, unlocks the cage door, and rolls out. Liz soon follows. Goldberg is having a conversation with someone just off-screen who might be Goldberg’s new partner for the Outsiders match. Duggan is diverted from his trip to Russo’s office by the piano; he barges his way onto the piano bench and plays it extremely poorly as the Maestro and Symphony look on with shock. Lash LeRoux continues his recent mini-feud with Disco Inferno. Disco doesn’t dance his way out here; he stomps out, looking worriedly behind him, and looks for a quick win so that he can escape the arena. He doesn’t get it; the mobsters walk down the ramp and circle the ring. Tony Marinara distracts the ref so that one mobster can trip Lash, accidentally, I guess? I don't know. That spot looked weird. Disco hits an atomic drop and tries a Chartbuster, but Lash shoves out of it. They trade flash pinfall attempts for two counts, but a distracted Disco, looking at the mobsters, gets a boot to the face on a corner charge. LeRoux follows up with a Whiplash for three. No pay windah for Disco tonight, which might be a problem for him since he owes a lot of money to these mob dudes. The mobsters jump Lash after the match, dispose of both he and the ref, and stomp out Disco. Lash grabs a chair and gets in the ring in clear view of Marinara and the Bull, who ignore him so that he can make the save with a series of chair shots. Lash puts Marinara to sleep and then stuffs him into the body bag that Marinara brought for Disco. It wasn’t as cool as when the Undertaker did it to jobbers, let’s say that. Creative Control look at this limo like they’ve never seen one in their lives. During the break, these dolts set off the limo’s alarm and got a couple of cops all up in their grills. Russo lectures Duggan for shitting in his “personal commode.” I thought only Southerners called a toilet a "commode." Duggan apologizes, but Russo has been eating prunes all week, and he left such a shit in his toilet that Duggan’s going to hate cleaning it with the toothbrush that Russo has provided him. There is so much literal shit on these 1999 WCWs shows. And figurative, too! Spice is super adorable. I didn’t rate her at all back in the day, but I was very wrong. She faces Tygress in this match. Spice tries to calm Tygress down, but Tygress hits a very clearly working slap, then a slo-mo drop toehold. After that, it’s a CATFIGHT. Just get to the finish, folks. Wait, no, Spice lands a snapmare in shoes that really aren’t good for balancing enough to land a snapmare. That snapmare was kind of an adventure. Spice takes a poke to the eye, and Stacy comes down with, like, a makeup kit in her hand, maybe? Anyway, Stacy pretends to help Spice out of the ring, then hits her with the makeup kit. She and Tygress paint Spice’s face with makeup after the match. Are we just recycling Randy Savage segments from earlier in the year now? Meng yells at Tenay that Sting put himself in a situation that wasn’t any of his concern, then challenges Sting to a no disqualification match later tonight. Curt Hennig hits the ring to say goodbye. He walks over to the broadcast table, hugs Heenan, and grabs a mic before he actually gets in the ring. He gets in the ring, but finds that he can’t say what’s in his heart and leaves again. The limo door opens in a tease that I don’t really care much about, honestly. Hacksaw cleans an already clean toilet with Vince Russo’s golden toothbrush instead of the red toothbrush that Russo handed him. Yes, this is a thing that happened. Aw, man, Roddy Piper is still in this company? If he was the guy in the limo, I was right not to care about that tease. He does some sports team pandering, so I suppose that he’s a babyface again? Yeah, he is. He runs down TPtB, so Russo turns babyface by having production cut Piper’s mic. Piper gets another mic, but Russo solidifies his babyface turn by having production cut that one, too. Piper tries to get a headset, but is told by Tony S. that TPtB told production to kill his mic, so Piper next accosts a PA and drags him to the back while ranting about wanting a hot mic while the poor kid yells I’M JUST DOIN’ MY JOB. Piper busts into Russo’s office and confronts Creative Control before Russo lets him rant. He calls Russo a “5:30-in-the-morning-looking drag queen.” Boy, this guy is barely suppressing his obsession with the art of drag. And by “barely suppressing,” I mean “not suppressing at all.” Russo then proceeds to completely wash Piper in a promo battle, which tells you how far Piper has fallen. Russo wants Piper to head off to Boca Raton with Flair and Hogan and retire already, so Piper threatens to sue “like a white Johnny Cochran” because he has a two-year contract with Turner. Russo busts Piper down to being a referee and says that Piper had better go fulfill his contract or he’ll be the one getting sued. Piper agrees to take on this role, but he seems to have his own ideas about how he’s going to be approaching this new refereeing gig. After a break, Piper walks out to his limo and, uh, drives off. Buff Bagwell is here for his match against Booker T. No, not the one that ended his career in mainstream pro wrestling. Not yet. Book shoves Buff, who mocks Booker’s roof-raising taunt. Creative Control, foe to both of these guys, come out early on to watch this match, which is an okay back-and-forth affair. Booker bails after eating a dropkick, and Buff follows for a tiny obligabrawl. Back in the ring, Booker hits a Houston Side Kick and a spinebuster. He Spinaroonies up, but CC makes their move and distracts him so that Buff hits a Blockbuster. Buff’s not off the hook, though, and they jump Buff. Hennig comes back down to remonstrate with CC, but hits Buff with a Perfect Plex as Gerald and/or Patrick counts three. Hennig wins a match he wasn’t in. CC tries to stomp out Booker, but Midnight comes in and leaves so much space between her worked punches and the faces of the CC twins that she might as well stop throwing them. Anyway, she and Booker clear the ring. Vince Russo welcomes Curt Hennig to the team and immediately favors him over those goofs in Creative Control; Russo sends the latter to track down Juventud Guerrera. Sting talks to Tenay about Meng, but Liz cuts in and asks Sting to be his manager tonight. Sting isn’t that dumb, though, and he turns her down. Madusa (w/Evan Karagias) is out here to face Asya (w/Saturn). They start with an obligabrawl. My least favorite transition happens when they make it back into the ring, and Asya takes over with a neck vise. In a pretty neat spot, Madusa counters it by lifting Asya into Electric Chair position and dropping her. Madusa lands some kicks and a missile dropkick, but Asya catches Madusa when she goes up again, slams her to the mat, and scores a submission with a headscissors, which frankly is a believable finish for her with those quads. Dean Malenko is like I HATE CANADIANS AND I HATE THEIR FLAG, AND I WILL TORCH ONE LATER TONIGHT. Malenko: O CANADA, BURN CANADA, BURN. He tried really hard, and I’m giving him credit for the attempt. Actually, that flag match is next. Malenko is down first; Benoit follows. Tony S. and Heenan shout out Gordon Solie, who is ill and will pass away about eight months from the original airing of this show. Benoit chokes Malenko with Malenko’s hockey jersey, then goes outside and grabs the gasoline canister. He snot rockets Malenko and stands around with the cage, which allows Malenko to low blow him and then, uh, not get any control because Benoit takes over with chops. Benoit shoots Malenko into the opposite corner, then misses a wild splash. That miss doesn’t matter; Malenko goes for the Canadian flag, and Benoit quickly recovers and puts him in Tree of Woe position. Basically, Malenko struggles to do much at all against Benoit, but he lands a sneak Hot Shot and gets the Canadian flag to win the match, then beats Benoit with it. What the hell was this? The rest of the Revolution comes to the ring as Malenko dumps the flag in a barrel, covers it with gasoline, and prepares to burn it…until they also take the American flag and dump it in the barrel, too, then prepare to burn the whole deal. The Hitman runs in and makes the save before they can do it, though. This was very stupid. Juventud Guerrera is told by Russo that his work visa has expired, so Juvi tries to ply him with tequila shots. Russo hates the tequila so much that he spits it out and needs to brush his teeth with his special golden toothbrush RIGHT NOW. This is the alignment-flipped, goofy comedy version of Flair making Bischoff do shitty jobs and Bischoff finding ways to get back at Flair. Meng clubbers Sting as soon as the latter makes it into the ring for their match. Liz comes out to watch twenty seconds in. Meng dominates Sting while a fan waves a sign that makes me laugh: MR. DAVID FLAIR IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN. Liz tries to line Meng up for a mace shot, but Sting cuts all that nonsense out. He’s got this one under control, or so he thinks. He lands a couple of Stinger Splashes, which is when The Total Package comes out to talk to Liz. Sting turns his attention to the Package, which allows Meng to get the jump on Sting and lock on a TDG for the three count. Liz tries to check on Sting, but Sting pushes her away from him, irritated. Goldberg calls for his mystery partner on his way to the ring. David Flair hates the Maestro’s music and destroys his piano with a crowbar while yelling MAKE IT STOP, like the true gentleman he is! The Outsiders are here for our Nitro main event. This show has missed Sid, who I assume will be Goldberg’s tag partner after they learned mutual respect via the process of multiple brutal beatings of one another. Also, some rental cars got crushed. That's the price you pay for respect sometimes. Or maybe I’m wrong and it’s the Hulkster, but Sid would make sense because Goldberg has to respect him after the Havoc match. And I suppose also after that lame Mayhem match that needed five more minutes, and a way better layout, and a more creative finish. Yup, it’s Sid! Commentary tries to pretend that Sid’s going to jump Goldberg from behind until Sid and Goldberg hit the high ten. My only complaint is that this should have happened three or four weeks ago. Sid is having fun out there being a babyface, and he plays a little FIP after pushing around Scott Hall. Some fan has a sign that says WCW: IT’S FUN AGAIN. I get that the difference in these RFE shows, which is throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, could make a fan feel better about this show compared to the last few months. Sid hits a big boot on Nash to bail himself out of trouble, then tags in Goldberg. Goldberg has little problem dominating Nash, who has to yank him by his trunks into the buckles out of desperation to get room. Nash tags in Hall, who quickly loses control of this match. Nash interferes from outside the ring to try and tilt the match; Hall uses that interference to hit a lariat for two. Nash tags back in and lands a series of corner elbows, then a boot choke. He tags back out to Hall, who is foolish enough to paintbrush Goldberg before trying a front facelock that Goldberg works up from quickly. Goldberg forces Hall back, but Nash distracts the ref, who misses the tag. Goldberg almost immediately double-clotheslines both Outsiders, and Sid just jumps in and beats the hell out of both Outsiders anyway. He lands a Chokeslam to Hall before Goldberg jumps back in and amplifies the pain with a spear. Sid powerbombs Hall and covers, but Nash, dumped from the ring, re-enters and drops an elbow on Sid; Hall covers, uh, for three? What kind of finish was that? Security breaks up the post-match melee. This wasn’t a good show, but I did like parts of it, mostly Bret/Jarrett. The finishes are somehow even worse than they were under Bischoff and Nash, though. Anyway, this was actually watchable in spots, if below mediocre and nonsensical in too many segments overall. -1.5 out of 5 Stinger Splashes. Edited August 29 by SirSmUgly 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaceman Spiff Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Quote Shiiiiit, Johnny the Bull and Big Vito are here alongside Tony Marinara. These fellas sort of stink. Vito can f right off, but Johnny is a Perfectly Acceptable Lunkhead in my book. This man tore his urethra for this company! Really enjoyed him/Palumbo/Nunzio as the FBI in WWE. There was 1 match on (I think) Velocity where it was them vs. I-forget-the-other-team, and they maneuvered 1 of their opponents into their corner where they did this "locomotion punches" spot. 1 FBI member threw a punch, tagged out, 2nd member got in & threw a punch, then tagged out, 3rd member got in & threw a punch, then tagged out. I think it went for 2 or 3 iterations, but I was like "hey, that's a fun spot!" Any way, I can't speak to his work outside of WCW and WWE, but this dope was entertaining enough for me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zendragon Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 Ah the FBI v Bashams Velocity bloodfeud! Good times! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caley Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: and Kidman takes off, leaving Konnan behind to get dissected and hit with a weak back suplex that earns a three count and the tag titles for Creative Control. I like that Kidman couldn't finish the match, rather sacrificing his title to go stop this nonsense. 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: and insists that Buff needs to lead the new generation of stars Somewhere there's an alternate reality where Buff did actually lead the new generation of stars and there's a whole roster of over-tanned, calf-implanted, barely mobile unfunny smirking good guys posing and delivering terrible matches. And it's only slightly worse than [insert the name of your most hated wrestling fed here] 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: Finlay finishes his beatdown of Smiley by dismissively tossing the belt at him. WCW: We hate our belts! 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: No, I don’t know where this is going. I don't specifically remember much of Maestro's WCW run, but I still wouldn't hold my breath for closure on this one. 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: Duggan is diverted from his trip to Russo’s office by the piano; he barges his way onto the piano bench and plays it extremely poorly as the Maestro and Symphony look on with shock. This would be much funnier if Duggan had barged onto the piano bench, pounded at the keys, but they superimposed actual good piano-playing over top of it. 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: The limo door opens in a tease that I don’t really care much about, honestly. I was still retroactively excited over who was in the limo, reading this today, somehow and then... 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: Aw, man, Roddy Piper is still in this company? laughed really hard reading this line, knowing your outright hatred of late-90s Piper and then... 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: He calls Russo a “5:30-in-the-morning-looking drag queen.” Boy, this guy is barely suppressing his obsession with the art of drag. read this and laughed again. Not at the joke, which is poor. But at Piper's beyond-closeted obsession with drag. Reading these, he brings it up ALL the time. It's too bad he's not still alive because someone could just say "Just put the makeup on, wear the dress and stop being so repressed, Hot Rod!" It's like the Alan Partridge (Dated TV reference again!) episode where he keeps talking about "lady boys" and how "Disgusting" it is and how he's not attracted to them, it's just "Confusing" and at the end he finally gives up and asks the front desk to put the pornography on TV for him. Anytime someone brings something up this much, he's obviously harboring some hidden feelings. 11 hours ago, SirSmUgly said: Sid powerbombs Hall and covers, but Nash, dumped from the ring, re-enters and drops an elbow on Sid; Hall covers, uh, for three? What kind of finish was that? Security breaks up the post-match melee. This sounds like one of the worst finishes ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zendragon Posted August 29 Share Posted August 29 1 hour ago, caley said: I like that Kidman couldn't finish the match, rather sacrificing his title to go stop this nonsense. Somewhere there's an alternate reality where Buff did actually lead the new generation of stars and there's a whole roster of over-tanned, calf-implanted, barely mobile unfunny smirking good guys posing and delivering terrible matches. And it's only slightly worse than [insert the name of your most hated wrestling fed here] WCW: We hate our belts! I don't specifically remember much of Maestro's WCW run, but I still wouldn't hold my breath for closure on this one. This would be much funnier if Duggan had barged onto the piano bench, pounded at the keys, but they superimposed actual good piano-playing over top of it. I was still retroactively excited over who was in the limo, reading this today, somehow and then... laughed really hard reading this line, knowing your outright hatred of late-90s Piper and then... read this and laughed again. Not at the joke, which is poor. But at Piper's beyond-closeted obsession with drag. Reading these, he brings it up ALL the time. It's too bad he's not still alive because someone could just say "Just put the makeup on, wear the dress and stop being so repressed, Hot Rod!" It's like the Alan Partridge (Dated TV reference again!) episode where he keeps talking about "lady boys" and how "Disgusting" it is and how he's not attracted to them, it's just "Confusing" and at the end he finally gives up and asks the front desk to put the pornography on TV for him. Anytime someone brings something up this much, he's obviously harboring some hidden feelings. This sounds like one of the worst finishes ever. This is pretty much WWE 2006-2007 heel roster where every body was obnoxious good looking heel see Miz, Morrison ect this is how i'm imagining Jim Duggan playing piano 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirSmUgly Posted August 30 Author Share Posted August 30 Show #216 – 29 November 1999 “The one where Russo and Ferrara really ramp up the playing out of their mommy issues or bad romantic relationships from their late teens or whatever the fuck” This Nitro starts with a ring bell salute for Hiro Matsuda, who passed away the previous week. This crowd in Denver sounds enthusiastic tonight. Denver produced a lot of strong crowds for this era of WCW. Goldberg walks to the ring to start the show. So, after Bret gets kicked full-force in the head at Starrcade, does he still manage to win that match? Does Goldberg lose at two straight Starrcades? I’m not sure WCW booked a Starrcade that a babyface won the main event of straight up and with no fuckery after 1996…and even that main event match was out of nowhere declared a non-title match even though I think everyone thought it was for the title. Hall and Nash have annoyed Goldberg with their sophomoric comedy routines, and he’s sick of it! That makes two of us, Goldy. Goldberg says that getting hit with a chair by Hall last week, which I may or may not have reported – there was a lot going on, as there usually is in the RFE - - sort of amped him up for more violence. That tracks with what we know about Goldberg. He cuts a decent promo in which he intimates that playtime is over for the Outsiders. He warns Hall against coming anywhere near the ring while he beats up Nash later tonight. The Outsiders hit the ramp to respond. The crowd digs these fellas, too. They just seem amped for a WCW show. They think the height of their comedy act was bashing Goldberg with a chair, and they soon advance on Goldberg in the ring while holding the man advantage. Sid storms out here yelling IT AIN’T GONNA BE THAT EASY BECAUSE THERE’S A NEW BABYFACE IN TOWN, AND HIS NAME IS SID VICIOUS. Did I mention that Sid rules? All four men brawl until security intercedes. Here are tonight’s bouts, according to Tony S.: Goldberg vs. Nash; Scott Hall vs. Sid (for the U.S. and Television titles); and Bret Hart vs. Meng (for the World title). All of these bouts form a triple main that Tony says must have winners by pinfall or submission, no DQs or countouts. That sounds good, but no DQs mean endless run-ins and fuckjob finishes. Sting will also face Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit in a triple threat for a number one contendership match for the world title post-Starrcade. Dr. Death will square off with Jerry Only in a steel cage and there’s a Mud Pit Match that will involve maybe a lot of Nitro Girls, implies Tony S. Ignore those last two matches: The rest of this card sounds promising! Piper shows up in a limo, and a limo pulls up alongside it with Bertha Faye/Monster Ripper/Rhonda Singh and someone else I didn’t quite recognize. Piper makes a few fat jokes at their expense because he’s a babyface in 1999. Vito and the Bull stand backstage as Vito’s dumb ass can’t keep straight their targets tonight – Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux. The Bull shadowboxes with Vito as Vito talks, and that pisses the latter off. Vito wants the Bull to get serious and do this job for their boss. Buff Bagwell once again challenges Booker T. Is Stevie hurt, or just off TV while WCW tries to renegotiate his contract downward? Tony S. tells us that the Filthy Animals have broken up. That was quick! Oops, I’m wrong about this match; actually, Buff and Booker are challenging Creative Control (w/Curt Hennig) in a tag title match. Buff beats up Ga/oP, then poses. Pa/oG tags in, and Buff tags in Booker so Booker can get some shine before CC cheats their way into control. Book makes a comeback and lands an axe kick in a short FIP segment that is just the house style for this company in the RFE. Buff hits some weak neckbreakers and clotheslines before the match breaks down. Buff almost completely whiffs on the Blockbuster, but Pa/oG sells it, and Buff covers until Ga/oP can hit Buff with a chair as Hennig draws the ref. Pa/oG covers for three, and then it’s a three-on-two fight until Midnight once again appears. She throws a pretty sweet standing dropkick, actually! Wow, definitely have her do that instead of punching dudes. Juvi shows up in Russo’s office to talk about Juvi’s visa problems. Then, get this, and I don’t care that Russo is a heel because he actually shoot feels this way, he says: “Get this, they’re forcing me to put some Japanese clown on my show because of prior contractual commitments. Did you ever hear of Jushin Thunder Liger?” Man, fuck off, Russo, that’s not just some kayfabe shit you’re saying, you dumbfuck moron. You actually think no American could possibly care about Liger. This dude sucks and his taste in wrestling is beyond shitty. Russo tells Juvi that if he can take the IWGP Light Heavyweight Championship from Liger, Russo’ll help him with his visa issues. Then, he says that he has no confidence in Juvi to win it, but he’s got a backup plan to make it happen. Haha, this random race-based bigotry is killing me inside! I only laugh to hide the pain! Liz looks stressed as she talks on the phone. The Total Package comes up to her, all suited up, and announces a lawsuit that he’s filed against Liz for breaching their managerial contract. Package crows about putting Liz in the poorhouse, and Liz begs to make it up to him. Package says he’ll think about how she can do that. Piper cackles about getting paid millions to sit around in catering. Ronda Singh chills in the back, trying to figure out what to wear in her match. Let me guess, they’re having her wrestle in the mud pit. Who is the second woman with her? I’m drawing a blank, but I feel like I know her. Maybe, maybe not. There’s a flower delivery for Symphony; the Maestro sent them according to the card. Jeff Jarrett tells Tenay that he’s above caring about Dustin Rhodes trying to ruin his chances to be world champ and that he’s still the CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE. Tenay notes that TPtB seems to be tired of Jarrett fucking up his title opportunities, so Jarrett hammers him with his guitar. Fuck, Brian Knobbs is back out here. He cuts a promo in his extremely imitable style where he yells a lot and calls his enemies “women” because women are cowardly losers. He calls out Norman Smiley, but Smiley’s too busy hiding under a table as Fit Finlay walks by. Finlay’s the guy that comes out here, carrying a bag. I’m impressed that Russo and Ferrara are aware enough to pick back up with that feud that almost got Finlay’s leg amputated. Finlay takes two kendo sticks out of the bag, tosses one to Knobbs, and goes to work. He whacks the hell out of Knobbs, then goes back to the bag, where he gets scissors and an electric shaver and cuts Knobbs’s hair. This is where having backup would be helpful to Knobbs, but the First Family is as dead as the Filthy Animals are. After cutting Knobbs’s hair, Finlay lands one more cane shot. Finlay beating the shit out of Knobbs is great. This is the perfect use of Brian Knobbs in 1999. Vito and the Bull walk up on Gene Okerlund. They fanboy over meeting him and invite him out, but Okerlund’s been given all of Tenay’s assignments. He’s not into it until Vito says they’re taking him to a gentleman’s club on their dime. Okerlund immediately abandons his assignments with a hearty WHAT THE HELL, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Okerlund can be pretty funny sometimes. Russo, to Creative Control in his office: “First of all, is there sun in your eyes? Am I the Omega Man? Take the glasses off when you’re in my office and I’m talking to you.” Boy, I bet Russo and Nash got along, all full of references they just can’t wait to drop in their monologues and shit. Russo really is like a spoiled kid with a toybox. Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control are my old toys friends now. Curt Hennig is my shiny new friend! Hennig is as disgusted at Creative Control as Russo is, and he says that he never would have taken an ass kicking from a woman like they did. Russo interjects that he’d like Hennig to show them how to do things right and books Hennig/Midnight for later in the show, with Booker barred from ringside. HAHAHA OVERWEIGHT WOMEN ARE PUTTING ON MAKEUP EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT THEY’RE OVERWEIGHT AND THEREFORE SO UGLY THAT IT IS POINTLESS FOR THEM TO TRY AND MAKE THEMSELVES CUTER, EVEN IF THEY’RE JUST DOING IT FOR THEIR OWN GRATIFICATION, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IT’S SO FUNNY, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE HAS EVER MADE THE INCREDIBLY HIGH-LARIOUS COMEDIC OBSERVATION “FAT WOMEN ARE SOOOOOO UGLY” EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA BEFORE THIS SHOW WOW, MUCH CREATIVITY, SO GENIUS, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (So, Bischoff’s idea of comedy is very bad, and he tends to draw out his shitty comedy in minutes-long segments, but Russo and Ferrara are working on a deeper level of being tragically unfunny in an unnecessarily mean way. They’re a two-man showrunner version of that Shasta McNasty show from early-era UPN. Seth MacFarlane thinks these guys could stand to be a bit more subtle. Holy fuck.) Jushin Liger and Juventud Guerrera get jobber entrances, and Buzzkill storms down here with a sign right at the jump. This is a fucking Liger match on free American television against one of the best cruiserweight workers in the company, but Buzzkill is here yammering like an idiot on commentary and the match goes for like three minutes, if that. Buzzkill pretends that he’s never met Liger in his life even though Tony S. insists otherwise. Liger hits a sick Frog Splash for two, but this is a nothing bout that ends when Juvi hits Liger with a bottle of fucking tequila and wins the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship. I should note that both guys hit awesome dives and even worked a 2.9 that I bit on in the middle of this bullshit segment. I’ll be looking online for the return match in Japan where Juvi drops the title back to Liger that I hope and assume must have happened on the internet this weekend. Nash might have strangled the cruiserweight division so badly that it was on life support, but Russo and Ferrara pulled the plug, then dumped the corpse of that division in a wash and let the coyotes and buzzards feed on it. Chavo Jr., bless his improperly-pushed heart, has been pressed into backstage interviewer duty with Tenay injured and Okerlund popping a boner as an Italian-American woman in her early twenties grinds her ass against him. Look, if that’s what Russo and Ferrara wrote, that’s the overly-detailed explanation you’re going to get for why Chavo’s here in a suit and tie, holding a microphone. Chavo: “I’m here to sell you something, and that’s EXCITEMENT! Oh, I also have a complete set of fine China for 39.95.” This dude just makes it work no matter what stupid-ass shit they give him to do. He’s on my short list of “favorite guys who became favorites after I watched through all these WCW shows.” Chavo interviews Oklahoma and Dr. Death about the steel cage match that Doc is having with Jerry Only later tonight. Nothing of import is said. Symphony gets chocolates and another card from the Maestro. Sid plans out his strategy against Scott Hall by goozling himself, then yelling AND THEN UP AND DOWN, YEAH! It bums me out that Sid had to pass away for the wider internet wrestling fandom to revisit different clips and segments from his career and go, Yeah, you know, he was actually pretty good at pro wrestling. We actually see Okerlund getting drinks with Vito and the Bull at a strip club. Chavo tries to sell a home security system before he interviews Scott Hall, and this exchange got me laughing hard enough that I got tears: Hall: “You done with your blue light special, chump change?” Chavo (with the dignity of a man who is working hard to make a paycheck and bring you savings at the same time): “As a matter of fact, I am.” That was like perfect comedic delivery on both their parts. Holy shit, Chavo is the best. It also cracked me up because after he said that, he went right into interviewer mode without skipping a beat. Chavo asks Hall why he’s focusing on defending the U.S. Championship and wonders when he’ll defend the TV title. I thought this was his second TV title defense since Mayhem, but this question is just to introduce an opportunity for WCW to ditch the World Television Championship. Hall complains that the TV title has got him nothing – no free TV dinners, no chance to meet TV stars – and hands the belt to Nash. They play basketball with it while Chavo commentates, and Nash dunks the belt in the trash like he was back at Tennessee in his college days. We have a new TV champion, folks! It’s a random trash can! The Revolution saunters to the ring. Shane Douglas crows about destroying the Filthy Animals while Saturn and Malenko trample an American flag. Uh, so are they anti-Americans now, or like what? Have they gone from revolting against WCW’s old guard to revolting against the United States? Douglas cusses a lot to make it seem like he might be good at fiery promos, but you can’t fool me, Shane! You’re still on FRAUD WATCH, and the watch is just about over. All that’ll be left is the FRAUD part of that phrase. Malenko yells about being booed by Americans while facing a Canadian last week, and then he declares that the Revolution are seceding from the union. I am laughing very hard again, but not because Malenko intended me to, unlike with Chavo and Hall. They take on snake names like they’re members of the Fox Force Five. Malenko is Python, Douglas is the Rattler, Asya is the Boa, and Saturn recycles the phrase "Trouser Snake" after Nash McMahon used it to introduce Scott Hall a few weeks ago. *sigh*. Hacksaw Duggan comes out here in his janitorial get-up to a massive pop, good God, Denver. He threatens the Revolution and then marches to the ring, beating Revolution members with his fake 2x4 until the numbers game is too much. Benoit runs down and clears the ring with his mere presence. Russo tells Creative Control to bring in Roddy Piper, who it seems will be refereeing the Scott Hall/Sid Vicious U.S. Championship match up next. It’s so weird that they put the belt on Bret and Hall after Sid dropped it to Goldberg when a bunch of midcarders could actually use that belt. Chavo pushes some heart pendants, then interviews Jerry Flynn about the BLOCK, which is where WCW’s having their little weekly fight club. Flynn challenges anyone in WCW to meet him there tonight. Piper refuses to go with Hennig and Creative Control because he’s bricked up and needs to take a shit. Scott Hall (w/Kevin Nash) defends that U.S. Championship that he absolutely doesn’t need against Sid. Hall got that title by beating Piper earlier in the year, had it stripped because he was injured, and circled right back around to it in November. Hall attacks Sid before Sid can get his vest off, but Sid lands a lariat and takes it off as Nash joins commentary. Nash buries the TV title a bit, but mostly cheers for Hall while Sid clubs him down. Hall gathers control and lands a fallaway slam, then signals for a Razor’s Edge. He attempts it, but Sid slips out of the back and hits a chokeslam as the ref runs himself into Hall’s legs in a contrived way so that he can bump. Sid hits a powerbomb and covers; Nash runs in, but whiffs on his elbowdrop attempt. Sid prepares to powerbomb Nash, but Jeff Jarrett runs in, clobbers Sid with his guitar, pulls Hall on top of Sid, and revives the ref. That gets three. Goldberg runs down a bit too late and spears Jarrett, then Jackhammers him. OK, I guess Piper wasn’t ever going to be the ref for that match since Charles Robinson had to run a full damned mile around Sid to pull off that ref bump, and Piper’s not sprinting with hips and knees like he has. Creative Control and Hennig walk him out of his dressing room to who knows where after this previous match ends. We keep getting these strip club blipments with the mobsters and Okerlund, and you know what, we didn’t need to see them. The initial joke that Okerlund is an eternal horndog was enough. Piper is assigned the ref job for the mud match between the plus-sized lady wrestlers. Fyre and poor Sharmell, the latter of whom is genuinely funny, are forced to do a stupid food fight segment at catering, complete with dumb insults. Security breaks even that one up. The non-Rhonda participant in the mud match walks by and rubbernecks; this leads to her accidentally gets some of the tossed food lodged in her throat. Juvi tries to save her life, but doesn’t know how to do the Heimlich, so he ends up screaming for help as this young woman dies on the floor of WCW catering. Who the fuck wrote this and why? Dr. Death (w/Oklahoma) hits the ring for this cage match that has less heat than a jar of mild barbecue sauce. Oklahoma, ahem, "graces us with his presence" on commentary. Death and Only look terrible in there. This thing SUCKS. The Misfits flood Oklahoma and dump his bottle of barbecue sauce over his head while Dr. Death polishes off Only in the ring. I feel like quite a few of these segments and matches are like the first third of an idea that Russo and Ferrara forgot to finish considering the other two-thirds of before they put them on television. Anyway, Dr. Death is distracted by Oklahoma being beaten up, but he can't unlock the cage door, so Only gets up after being Oklahoma Stampeded and escapes the cage to win. What is this, New York? Escaping the cage in a WCW event to win; man, you’d better get out of here with that shit. Juventud Guerrera rushes into Russo’s office and tells him about one of the mud match competitors choking to death, I guess? No, Juvi saved her life with the Heimlich and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Russo: YOU GAVE THAT WILDEBEEST MOUTH TO MOUTH? Then he disgustedly kicks Juvi out of his office for putting his lips on a fat woman to save her life while Creative Control laughs. WOW. As an aside, and I know this doesn’t really matter, she wasn’t even fat. She was a medium-sized woman with some thickness in her thighs. There are so many things wrong with this puerile segment that I’m not even going to stop to list them, actually. The Total Package sees that Russo needs a replacement for the mud match and has an idea about how to help him out. I didn’t have Liz vs. Monster Ripper in a mud pit on my card for tonight’s show, but Russo and Ferrara are a bottomless well of stupid ideas. Chavo interviews the Hitman about how he’ll survive Meng’s attacks tonight. Bret leaves and Chavo claims that the Hitman’s flowing hair was due to the hair care products that he’s selling. This joke, while dumb, is still working solely because of Chavo’s moxie. Meng, coming off wins over Sting and The Total Package in previous weeks, has earned a WCW World Heavyweight Championship shot against Bret Hart, and that’s next. Some fan has a THE GREEN BLAZER sign with marijuana leaves on it, which is so Denver. The Hitman works his way out of the corner with blows, but Meng chops him and puts him right back in the corner for clubbers and chokes. Meng loves trapping guys in the corner in kayfabe, and I guess in shoot since he doesn’t have to move a whole lot in the corner. Meng cuts off a Bret comeback, then hits more chops. The crowd gets behind Bret as he takes buckle bonks and a lariat. Heenan mentions that he managed Meng in the past and talks about how hard the guy is to manage in a nice touch. Meng lands a piledriver for two, and I actually think there’s a good ten or twelve minute match in here that isn’t going to get the time to breathe. Bret barely got any shine to start. Meng lands a shoulderbreaker for two more, then hits a few Mongolian chops and a headbutt. Meng busts out a somersault senton (!!) that he misses, and Bret goes to work. Headbutt to the solar plexus, fist to the gut, side Russian, second-rope elbow, and a two count at the end of that sequence. The crowd starts booing, so someone must be coming out here. Yep, it’s Scott Hall, who KO’s the ref and attacks the Hitman as Hart tries to put a Sharpshooter on Meng. Meng chops and TDGs Hall, but Nash is here, too. Nash has grabbed a kendo stick from somewhere, and he batters Meng with it over and over to get Meng to break the hold. He and Hall continue to tee off on Meng with the stick; Nash then hits Meng with a Jackknife. Chris Benoit runs down as Hall and Nash surround Bret outside the ring, yanks the stick away from Hall, and batters both Outsiders with it. Hart gets back in the ring and locks a Sharpshooter on Meng, who is still totally wiped; this earns him a knockout victory. I would have loved to see what Bret could have done with ‘99/’00 Meng in a straight up ten-minute match. Louis the Delivery Guy hands Symphony a teddy bear and a card that I suppose are also from the Maestro, but noticeably, there is no name on that last card, so probably it's a SWERVE. Symphony reads that the person who wrote the card expects to meet her in their “special place” in a half-hour. TTP tries to get a meeting with Russo to solve his mud pit issue and gives Gerald and/or Patrick some tips on wearing his suit besides. Chavo pitches makeup products before talking to Tygress, who says figuratively that she’ll take ten of whatever Chavo has so that she can give them to Spice, who needs it. Chavo thinks he’s made a sale, but Tygress dismisses him until Spice walks in, having shredded Tygress’s top that she was planning on wearing tonight. Tygress drops a YOU BITCH, a Vinnie Ru favored phrase, and they have a low-impact brawl in Tygress’s bathroom as Chavo tries to sell them bath towels. Yes, this all happened. I don’t know what the fuck else to tell you. Evan Karagias makes out with Madusa and tries to get to home plate, but Madusa’s not taking him to bang town until he promises her a Cruiserweight Championship match at Starrcade. Evan’s thinking with his little Evan, so he agrees immediately. TTP offers to substitute Liz for “the behemoth,” and Russo gets fired up about this idea. Chavo pitches his pre-Christmas holiday shipping plan, and this is funny because Sting stands there, looking disgusted, just waiting for this idiot to finish the pitch. Liz runs up and begs for Sting’s help with this mud pit issue. You can see the road that this angle is traveling down swerving from miles away, can’t you? Sting still isn’t taking the bait at this point, though. Chris Benoit and his new shitty theme music are here; Jeff Jarrett and his shitty dub are also here. They wrestle one another after the shitty themes stop playing. I mean, I listened to “Chosen One” instead because I’m a connoisseur of late ‘90s entrance themes. Sting joins them because this is a triple threat to become the number one contender to the world title after Starrcade. I do like the idea that the three guys who made the final four of the world title tournament, but who didn’t win it, are getting a contendership match against one another. However, this match is absolutely NOTHING. It lasts barely two or three minutes and ends when Sting breaks up a Benoit Crippler Crossface. Liz runs to the ring and gets on the apron; TTP jumps in from the other side and hits Sting in the back with a chair. The ref sees Package get back on the floor and accost Liz, which distracts him and allows Jarrett to hit Benoit with a guitar. Jarrett covers, but the ref is still focused on TTP and Liz and misses Dustin Rhodes running in and clobbering Jarrett with the ring bell; Benoit crawls over and covers Jarrett for three. Russo and Ferrara hate wrestling so much that they just skip whole-ass segments of a wrestling match and go right to the convoluted finish. The Bull flirts with some stripper twins, and he calls Vito over, and this blipment SUCKS. They ditch Okerlund to leave with the twins, but Okerlund’s surrounded by like ten ladies and is fine with that. The third part of our so-called triple main event is going to happen about an hour before this show ends. It’s Kevin Nash vs. Goldberg. Before that, Symphony walks up to the Maestro in their "secret place," but it's actually a crowbar-toting David Flair in a wig. Davey has broken the Maestro’s piano and stashed an unconscious Maestro in the piano's guts. David Flair’s new lunatic gimmick stinks, but eventually his gimmick is that he impregnates like half the women on the roster at some point in 2000 if I recall correctly, so this is still more watchable than that. Kevin Nash shows up alone for his match with Goldberg. Ah, I see, Hall walks up and tries to jump Goldberg as he comes out of his dressing room, but Goldberg is already out of the room and starts walloping Hall from behind. Nash sees this on the TurnerTron according to Tony S., so let’s see if he shows up back here. Wait, we cut to Sid’s locker room door right next to Goldberg's, and what I now understand happened is that Hall locked the door of Sid’s locker room (from the outside?!) BEFORE he tried to jump Goldberg. Sid breaks down the door and helps Goldberg even the odds against Hall and Nash. This is so busy, reader. It’s just pointless overbooked nonsense. Everyone fights onto the stage. Goldberg and Nash eventually make it to the ring, and the match begins. A chair gets involved. Let me just tell you the finish; Bret Hart comes down, takes the chair that Hall is wielding away from him, and clobbers Nash with it. Goldberg lands a spear, then punches Scott Hall off the apron. Sid and Bret stand sentinel as Goldberg hits Nash with a Jackhammer and Mickey Jay runs in to count the three. This crowd was very hot for Goldberg winning that match, even if none of this worked for me at all. Three matches that had to end with a winner by pinfall or submission, three jibber jabber bullshit matches that were overbooked to hell. The Outsiders are pissed at the ass kicking they took and yell into Chavo’s mic that they want Sid and Goldberg in the cage later tonight. Tony S. clarifies that the Hitman and Chris Benoit are also included in that challenge. Okay, whatever. Roddy Piper referees this Mud Pit Match between Liz and Rhonda Singh. Liz argues with Package backstage and refuses to do it, but back at the mud pit, Singh just drags Piper into the mud and slaps him instead. What are we doing here? What is the fucking point of this? Piper rides Rhonda, yanks an onlooking Creative Control into the pit, and counts his own pinfall on someone, who the hell can tell. How did a camera get into Vito and the Bull’s place? They make dinner for these twins as a knockoff of the Godfather theme plays. What in sweet fuck? What would make anyone think that any of this was entertaining? The saving grace of every dumbass segment in this fucking show is that they’re over relatively quickly. One final note: I wouldn’t want to feed a woman who I was planning to have sex with that night a bunch of spicy Italian food. Arn Anderson busts into Russo’s office and complains about getting fired, which cuts off Russo's complaining about Creative Control looking like doofuses in that mud pit segment. Arn targets Hennig for selling out; Hennig says that he likes this spot with Russo way more than the spot Arn offered him in the Horsemen a couple years ago, then kicks Anderson out of the office. Chae busts into Stacy Keibler’s interview and has a CATFIGHT with her. THE WALL, BROTHER meets Jerry Flynn in the BLOCK and kicks the shit out of him. Flynn attempts a cross-arm breaker to win this thing in there, then dodges a TW,B big boot while the crowd boos for this fight going on for fifty years in the back. Flynn throws a barrage of boots and punches, but he punches himself out, and TW,B whips Flynn through some drywall, then misses a big boot. Flynn tries one more barrage of strikes as the boos get louder. Berlyn storms into the boiler room BLOCK and clobbers Flynn with a pipe, then encourages TW,B to get up. TW,B does get up, but he instead goes after Berlyn while holding a pipe of his own. Heenan: I DON’T GET IT. None of us do, buddy. None of us do. Chavo, to a mud-caked Piper: “Based on your first match as a WCW referee, I can tell that you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.” Piper has the audacity to say OHHHH AREN’T WE A FUNNY ONE. Oh, you don’t like jokes now, huh, Piper? Piper admonishes Chavo for being a puppet to the TPtB and says that he wrestled Chavo’s dad and granddad, and they would never have done what TPtB told them to. Piper: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?! Chavo: “I’m makin’ money.” Chavo is so great. The Outsiders walk by and chuckle at Piper, who beats both of them up for a bit until we cut to… …Curly Bill walking up to Curt Hennig and desperately begging him for a job. Hennig says that he’ll help the guy out. A repentant Total Package tries to make good for Liz not getting in the mud pit and guarantees Russo that whatever he has to do, before the night is over, Liz’ll be covered in mud. Russo books TTP vs. Liz in another mud match. Holy fuck, is this show real? I'm not imagining this, right? Midnight comes to the ring for her match with Curt Hennig. I think Midnight is a solid athlete; she probably just needed to come through in the Performance Center Era to unlock more of what natural ability she has. I think she’s clearly got more potential than Asya, for example. Midnight gets two on a vertical suplex with a bridge, which wakes Hennig up and causes him to unleash a flurry of strikes, some of which are disrespectful slaps. Hennig lands a slam and starts to relax; he locks on an abdominal stretch and, uh, slaps her in her boob a few times? That’s kind of weird and uncomfortable. The lights go out, and when they come back on, Stevie Ray is in the ring; he beats up Hennig for a few seconds before the lights go out again. When they come back on, Curly Bill jumps Stevie Ray from behind. The lights go out one more time, and they come back on to reveal Arn Anderson, who helps clear the ring of Hennig and Bill. The Total Package lugs Liz to the ring over his shoulder. The twins pull a “George Costanza getting picked up on a subway train by a woman who takes him to a hotel room, ties him up, and robs him” on Vito and the Bull. Lash LeRoux and Disco are friends now, I guess. They hired the ladies to honeypot the mobsters, and now they enter the apartment and dump the pot of spaghetti sauce and noodles on Vito and the Bull. Let me just go ahead and plunk this feud on the Worst Feuds list right now. Disco calls Tony Marinara to let him know that his boys didn’t get the job done. Larry Walker sits in the crowd, probably re-evaluating his life after coming to this fucking show. TTP carries Liz out to the stage and orders her into the mud pit. Liz slaps Package; Package tosses Liz in the mud and dumps a bucket of mud on her. Package tries not to get any mud on his nice suit, which he fails at doing after Sting walks out and shoves him from behind, toppling him into the mud pit. Sting does save Package’s expensive jacket for himself…no, wait, he tossed that in, too. Russo and Ferrara think that Vito and the Bull are great characters, but they are sorely mistaken. We go back to them one more time so they can have some final unfunny banter while tied to the bed, covered in sauce. Why the hell is Roddy Piper back out here? You know what, I don’t care. It’s fine. Piper is terrible, but he’s surrounded by enough equally terrible stuff to the point that he doesn’t even stand out that much anymore. I suppose he’s the ref for the three-way tag match between the Outsiders, Sid and Goldberg, and Bret Hart and Chris Benoit. This match actually goes about ten minutes, which is cool, but it’s a mess, just a mass of okay-ish brawling for the most part. It’s funny because most other matches could use more time, but this one got more time and could use less. Jeff Jarrett rolls down a cart full of weapons five minutes in and opens up the same cage door with ease that Dr. Death couldn’t figure out how to get open. He clocks Piper with a guitar shot, and then, haha, he actually brought a cart full of guitars. He hits Goldberg with one, then grabs some handcuffs from his trunks and thwonks Bret Hart with him. The Outsiders handcuff Bret to the cage; Jarrett escapes the cage before Benoit can get to him. That leaves Sid and Benoit still active in the cage along with the Outsiders. Benoit’s dumb ass goes up to the top of the cage to land a diving headbutt on Hall that gets three from a revived Piper. Jarrett comes back in and attacks Benoit, but Goldberg grabs the guy and launches him through multiple sections of the cage, which is cool. Goldberg uses the ropes to leverage his boot choke on Goldberg, and Hall sneaks up from behind and hooks Goldberg for a Razor’s Edge while Nash powerbombs Sid and Jarrett hits the Stroke on Benoit. Bret being handcuffed and out of the way, but not being attacked by Jarrett or the Outsiders is just a bit too obvious, Russo and Ferrara. I’m actually deeply insulted at how stupid and easily entertained that Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara thought that I was when I was a teen, much less how I'd feel as a normal adult. Well, normal-ish. -45 out of 5 Stinger Splashes. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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