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Dolfan in NYC
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Between losing the house and my drinking I've having a real hard time. I had a panic attack and walked out on my new job this week. This has happened before. So I've just been isolating the last couple days and drinking even more, which is why I haven't even been on here. I'm sober for the moment, but who knows about tomorrow. At least I have a visit with my job counselor tomorrow so I can come clean to her. I know I should be in AA but I'm definitely not a joiner and the Christian bullshit is extremely off-putting. I have contacted a rehab counselor in the past but didn't want to put myself into a virtual asylum for a month, and managed to spend all of October dry, but cracked after that. 

I guess consider that a confession. I thought I'd feel better but I don't. 

In slightly better news, we should be able to keep the house until we find another one, so at least we won't be living in a hotel. I also had a barbecue with friends where everybody was drinking and smoking and all I did was have a couple non-alcoholic beers, so I proved to myself I could at least function for one night. 

Now if you'll excuse me I'll be curling back up into a ball for awhile.

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Thanks man. I hope after we get settled into a new house I can really focus on changing my behavior. 

The worst part is the physical aspect. Hands always shaking, high blood pressure (I guarantee that's why I'm on two separate meds for it), I weigh about a hundred pounds more than I was before I turned 30. Some days you only have a meal a day, if you can keep it down. The depression was always there but the alcohol both hides and intensifies it. So let's just say I'm a mess and leave it at that. 

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On 6/11/2021 at 1:19 PM, Spontaneous said:

I was on Lexapro for a month. Never again.

In the "Mileage May Vary Selection" , I myself have had a great time with Lexapro.  I went on it in January about 2 years ago  and I was an anxiety and rage riddled mess.  It has greatly helped me and my home life.  I  don't think I need anything stronger than it, but it has helped me.

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@Curt McGirt, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully sharing that here with us helps in some small way. There are 12 step programs that are non religious, if that helps. They aren't nearly as common though but maybe there are some nearby via zoom/virtual meetings. 

@Justin877, I'm glad it worked for you. I didn't mean to disparage all meds but for me I felt medication always was a step back.

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I made a Facebook post today saying how low I'm feeling with the anniversary of my Mum's passing, Rayven's health and now Ralfie's. Ralfie had an MOT this week and he's got a number of health ailments with his spine, lungs ...and he has a tumour which is likely to be cancer too. Crying my eyes out sending this. It's been a really bad time of it and today's just been the fucking shits. Just needed some virtual love and a pick me up there. Fuck's sakes.

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Oh, Natural, I'm so sorry, that is all terrible. Sending my love to you, your family, and your pups.

I'm currently at the hospital while my wife has a bone fused in her foot. She's going to be non-weight-bearing on her good leg for the next two weeks and she just tweaked her bad knee last night so I'm really not sure how we're going to work this.

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41 minutes ago, The Natural said:

I made a Facebook post today saying how low I'm feeling with the anniversary of my Mum's passing, Rayven's health and now Ralfie's. Ralfie had an MOT this week and he's got a number of health ailments with his spine, lungs ...and he has a tumour which is likely to be cancer too. Crying my eyes out sending this. It's been a really bad time of it and today's just been the fucking shits. Just needed some virtual love and a pick me up there. Fuck's sakes.

Sorry to hear it, dude. You know how highly everyone here thinks of you.  

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28 minutes ago, Zimbra said:

Oh, Natural, I'm so sorry, that is all terrible. Sending my love to you, your family, and your pups.

I'm currently at the hospital while my wife has a bone fused in her foot. She's going to be non-weight-bearing on her good leg for the next two weeks and she just tweaked her bad knee last night so I'm really not sure how we're going to work this.

Cheers, @Zimbra. Appreciate that and doing so while in hospital with your wife. Love to you both xxx.

25 minutes ago, NikoBaltimore said:

Fucking hell, Natural, sorry to read about that.  Hope things work out but that's a lot to deal with in such a short time.

Thank you, @NikoBaltimore. To deal with all that. I'm tired, man. So tired.

9 minutes ago, Control said:

Sorry to hear it, dude. You know how highly everyone here thinks of you.  

Cheers, @Control. I like to make people happy to counteract the sadness caused by the depression.

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Got stuck on an overcrowded hotel elevator for about 15 minutes last night.

Honestly, I was absurdly happy to be there.  Probably one of my favorite moments from the past year and a half (not that there's been much competition).

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Had my gallbladder removed two weeks ago. I had some major stomach pain and after a second trip to an ER they saw my gallbladder had to go and I had surgery the next morning. Not a bad recovery from a procedure by all means but I'm glad I'm not in pain. Super thankful that I have a job that offers insurance. Anytime I have a big procedure like that, I always just keep in mind how lucky I am and how many people who live near me don't have decent or any health insurance and would have to suffer through something like that or face financial ruin from doing so.

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20 hours ago, Greggulator said:

Had my gallbladder removed two weeks ago. I had some major stomach pain and after a second trip to an ER they saw my gallbladder had to go and I had surgery the next morning. Not a bad recovery from a procedure by all means but I'm glad I'm not in pain. Super thankful that I have a job that offers insurance. Anytime I have a big procedure like that, I always just keep in mind how lucky I am and how many people who live near me don't have decent or any health insurance and would have to suffer through something like that or face financial ruin from doing so.

Glad you're well, @Greggulator. You remind me again how grateful I am for the National Health Service and how they've helped me ever since I was a kid with the Cerebral Palsy and still do. The doctors and the appliances I require.

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Today my Mum passed on seven years ago. Things were tough when Mum was ill, even worse when...Brings it all back, that darkest of dates. From that date on the depression, ADs, self-harm and you know. Need to cancel the downers and keep on fighting. Cheers NDVDVR family xxx.

Edited by The Natural
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4 hours ago, The Natural said:

Today my Mum passed on seven years ago. Things were tough when Mum was ill, even worse when...Brings it all back, that darkest of dates. From that date on the depression, ADs, self-harm and you know. Need to cancel the downers and keep on fighting. Cheers NDVDVR family xxx.

I'm all for cancelling downers, but decided to go with "Sad" due to Mums! Hang in there, buddy! You know we all love you... a lot!

Yeah, it's kinda absurd that I've now lived longer without my mother around than I ever did with her. That last year was just god-awful. She fought so hard, though. When I say last year, it's kinda tricky, the whole cancer took no more than 18 months overall, but it was the second go at it.

Edited by Shartnado
Thinking back of my Mother
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2 hours ago, Shartnado said:

I'm all for cancelling downers, but decided to go with "Sad" due to Mums! Hang in there, buddy! You know we all love you... a lot!

Yeah, it's kinda absurd that I've now lived longer without my mother around than I ever did with her. That last year was just god-awful. She fought so hard, though. When I say last year, it's kinda tricky, the whole cancer took no more than 18 months overall, but it was the second go at it.

Thank you for the kind words, @Shartnado. Appreciate you saying that. So sorry to read about your Mum passing so young. My Mum was only 53. I was 29 when she went, my Sister is younger than me by three years. Losing a parent is the worst pain ever. I've said the following countless times and always will, fuck Cancer.

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14 minutes ago, The Natural said:

Thank you for the kind words, @Shartnado. Appreciate you saying that. So sorry to read about your Mum passing so young. My Mum was only 53. I was 29 when she went, my Sister is younger than me by three years. Losing a parent is the worst pain ever. I've said the following countless times and always will, fuck Cancer.

Yeah, she just turned 48, I was 19, out of the army, just starting university, but the terrible part was that she first had it when she was just in her 30's and I was just a child. I cannot fathom how the fuck I would have turned out if I didn't have those years with her. We even watched wrestling together. One of the most amazing things was when my friend had just discovered Black Metal and I had a few tracks on a cassette, she was all like "can you play me some of that Devil Worship music". She wanted to hear what it was like, because she knew that was something I just discovered. I was so impressed by that! This, from a relatively Christian woman, in her own way! She was so bad ass!

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I've been trying to remember to carve out time to rest lately, and that's been hard to remember to do. I do group mentoring for trans people in addition to my day job, and sometimes it can get to be a little overwhelming. I will have a stressful week at work and an emotional week of groups, then get to the weekend and not really know what to do to rest aside from sleep, which doesn't do enough to reset my brain for the next week.

Fortunately, I'm getting better about taking care of myself, but it's definitely been trial and error over the last few months. I guess because I'm getting burned out from always being in Zooms. Screen fatigue is a definite thing, y'all.

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Been thinking a lot about the prospect of losing my parents lately.  My parents are in their early 80's and both have begun to show their age in recent years, with the decline being more noticeable since the pandemic started.  My dad, especially, is failing.  Bunch of little health issues combined with memory issues, occasional cognitive issues, and a bad pain problem being caused by a pinched nerve in his back.  Right now, he can barely walk around a store and keeps a heating pad on his leg almost nonstop when he's home.  He's not sedentary yet, but he's had to give up some of his interests and probably should give up others.  

I've had a number of conversations lately with my wife, brother, daughters, and nieces and nephew about my parents' health.  Kids are very worried about their grandfather.  It's been hard for me to come to term with, but I think I'm ok with whatever happens.  My dad's had a full life and done a lot of amazing things.  When he was young, he wanted to be a pro golfer.  That never happened, but he met a lot of pros and gave his family some amazing experiences because of that.  When he joined the military, he played on a traveling "semi-pro" soccer team that played other military teams around the world and got treated as stars (no combat, no chores, better accommodations, etc.).  When he came back, he played on the first varsity soccer team at my alma mater.

Beyond that, he ran a successful business which made enough money that he sold it and retired at age 57 after a heart attack.  He worked part-time after that at a job he liked a lot, while still having enough time to travel a lot with my mom and be the full-time on-call babysitter for seven grandkids.  He and my mom have been together for almost 60 years and celebrate wedding anniversary #57 in a couple months.  He's been a great husband, father, and grandfather and I probably should wish i turned out more like my dad than i did.

Males on my dad's side of the family tend to die young from heart issues.  My grandfather died at age 60 and an uncle suffered a fatal attack at age 48 - while dressed as the Easter Bunny to visit sick kids in the hospital's children's wing.  I didn't really expect my dad to live long enough to see his grandkids grow up but he did.  Only one of his grandkids is still in college and he was a great grandfather.  My parents rarely missed a dance recital, honor society awards dinner, or away basketball game.

Deep down, I know my dad's not getting better.  The cognitive issues are going to get worse.  The physical issues are probably going to get worse.  He's probably in a lot of pain every day.  A lot of his friends have passed or he's lost contact with them, his grandkids are going on with their own lives and beginning to move out of the area, etc.  He and my mom may even have to sell their home soon.  The state's proposing to built an interstate on-ramp on the land they and their neighbors currently live on.  I selfishly want him to live a long while yet, but i feel like he's probably done and seen most of what he's going to get to do and see, aside from weddings.  Mostly what i want for him is to not suffer in old age.  He doesn't need to live in pain, in a fog, barely able to walk and with nothing to do all day except watch tv just so I can feel better.

I'm still hoping he can have a few quality years, but, if not, well, he raised me to be pragmatic and not let my emotions decide everything.  I have no idea how I'll actually respond when something happens to him or Mom, but no one in my life needs to suffer any extra 'cause I don't want to face the hard stuff.  So....    

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21 hours ago, Shartnado said:

Yeah, she just turned 48, I was 19, out of the army, just starting university, but the terrible part was that she first had it when she was just in her 30's and I was just a child. I cannot fathom how the fuck I would have turned out if I didn't have those years with her. We even watched wrestling together. One of the most amazing things was when my friend had just discovered Black Metal and I had a few tracks on a cassette, she was all like "can you play me some of that Devil Worship music". She wanted to hear what it was like, because she knew that was something I just discovered. I was so impressed by that! This, from a relatively Christian woman, in her own way! She was so bad ass!

Oh, man. To lose your Mum so young and possibly earlier still when you were a kid. Your Mum is a toughie. Again, my condolences. I was fortunate to have years with Grandad who was like a second Dad to me due to Parkinson's Disease as he wasn't expected to be here when I was born. My Grandad had it 27 years, longer than anyone where we live.

Speaking of family, apart from my Mum/Dad/Sister/Nan/Grandad, the rest suck. The majority of my family are on Facebook and only two bothered to message yesterday on the anniversary of my Mum's passing when Mum did everything for them. Two. A royal fuck you to them who didn't mark it. Bastards. Mum's anniversary was so hard yesterday, resorted to self-harming. Aje is more like the brother I've never had, Alyson whose daughter called Lisa I was best friends with who sadly died of cancer aged only 26, Rayven/Ralfie, my next door neighbour Linda and the NDVDVR members are my family xxx.

Edited by The Natural
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