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On ‎7‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 1:06 PM, Robert C said:

The following is a verbatim transcript of every conversation with my 3 year old son

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Spoiler

 

 

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You wait until they work out they can answer you back.

 

5, going on 15, with the arms crossed answering back attitude.

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So, my boys were fucking around in the dining room while the wife and I were making dinner. Wesley has this little rocket car scootalong deal that he loves, and Riley and he were playing some kind of "I'll come to you, you push me backwards, I'll come back to you" sort of game.

We heard a crazy loud thump, followed by an immediate air raid siren type squeal, and we knew something awful had happened.  We go in to check on them, and Riley's first words are "I pushed him too hard and he went over the handlebars!" Whatever, no big deal, accidents happen. There is fucking blood EVERYWHERE. Wesely bit a big chunk out of his bottom lip, and whatever he hit when he fell did this :

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl64eYYABBz/

All in all, no big whoop, to the ER we go and the little one ends up with 5 stitches in his chin.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl7GDqYgWZh/

Edited by grilledcheese
Spelling

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He's got a story to tell all the ladies now. "I got this scar in a bike accident. Went right over the handlebars!"

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I'm about 95% sure my 14 year old has started smoking and I'm really fucking pissed off about it.

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My daughter turns sixteen this December.  I am TERRIFIED~!

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I put down the proverbial foot today with the eight year old. Every day when she and her sister come home from school, after asking how their day was I ask if they have homework. The answer is almost always "no." Well, the wife and I had a conference with the teacher today, and she mentions that her homework is affecting her grades. The wife asks "Is she doing poorly on her homework?" and I asked "Is she not doing her homework?" and guess which one the teacher said was correct?

 

So now, the teacher will write in her little daily planner what her homework assignment is. She will do it after school, and show her mother that it's been done. And, until she shows her that it's all done, she doesn't get to use her tablet, either of our iPods, or any other electronics.

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That feeling when your kid forgets that you have the ability to run any joke into the ground, and she randomly decides to tell you that "It's not nice to call someone an old windbag."

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My daughter turned sixteen on Wednesday and the ex-wife is thrown a surprise party for her tomorrow night.  I'll be there with my boo and she'll be there with her new husband and somewhere my mom will be looking on.  I won't be looking for static, so hopefully there won't be any.  

I'm going to eat some cake, sing the fucking song, and get out of Dodge.

As if this weren't stressful enough, Christmas is on the way.

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My seven year old certainly has some odd choices for reading. The family is in a used bookstore, that is in the process of trying to turn into an online bead shop. So, everything was 50% off, and if you buy more than thirty books, you get another 20% off. We wound up spending $27 on fifteen books. The kid has a few books that seem suitable for her age. The wife says to me "I think I want a couple of trashy romance novels." The kid perks up and says "Me too." and goes with her Mom, and picks out two of them. We brought our haul to the register and the woman was impressed with her little arms full of books, but when I told her to show the lady which ones were hers, she clammed right up. 

Everyone is shocked that we actually let her get them. But, they were $1 and change apeice, and it's not like she's actually going to read them. 

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...You hope.

Update, anyway. Xavier hasn't started smoking, he was just hanging around some kids who smoked for a bit, until he realised what twats they were. Now he's just spending all his time with his friend Kacey,  who definitely isn't his girlfriend. It should be noted that his Mum and two of his Sisters wound up marrying their high school boyfriends. It's a family tradition for them. So possibly I've already met my future Daughter in law. Jesus Christ, it seems like he was only starting pre-school yesterday.

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Posted (edited)

Baby Sandy turns 10 months next week and I'm blown away that I've managed to keep her alive that long and not really fuck up too bad. Here are some highlights so far:

- She's an eater. She will try anything and about 98% she will keep eating. The other night The Wife made Chick Pea Tikka Masala and I offered Sandy some and she not only tried it, she stared at me until I gave her another spoonful. In all she had 5 spoonfuls on top of her dinner of Gerber Apple,Spinach & Kale jarred food.

- She has many toys that we've bought her but she is fascinated and will play with things less complex, like an empty water bottle or piece of paper.

- Still she has a little light-up activity table that she uses to stand on to try and get over the wall of her play-pen. One time she took her little push and play (which is angled) and then put the table in front of that and proceeded climb on the table and from that scaled the push and play. She almost got over the wall of her play pen until I spotted what was going on. Luckily, the legs of the table come off so further escape plans are on hold.

- We took her to Temple this morning for Shabbos services and she was so well behaved. This is in stark contrast to Yom Kippur services where Janice and I had to camp out in the children's play area because Sandy was crying so bad from her first teeth coming in. (She tried her first taste of lox and didn't hate it. She also had some kugel and was eager for more of that)

- She pinned me last night to win the Baby Wrestling World Championship for her 97th reign (10:07 via flyingbody press)

James

 

 

Edited by J.H.
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This one is called "Princess Sandra V. The Dark Chocolate Oreo"

51616522_10156158385037951_1146128562856

James

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We had to petsit for my older kid's class pet. A brown Hamster that was named "Snowball Fluffkins" - I told her that I refused to call her that. So, she spent the weekend being called "Dirtbag Fluffkins." She's a great Hamster though, she let the wife hold her, and was cool with the kids petting her.

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Posted (edited)

Always beats calling it, "How close do you think this one looks?  Fool them? Won't fool them?  Do we just be honest?"

Edited by Contentious C
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Took Princess Sandra to her first Seder and she was so well behaved we thought someone kidnapped our child and replaced with someone else's. Then again she got so much attebntion from the throngs of people there she was never alone for a moment. Here she is enjoying her first matzo with a hard-boiled egg:

57437638_10156293037432951_7016442863202

James

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Princess Sandy rockin' out ot Fraggle Rock!
60950608_1397702783703339_76444227833083

James

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Posted (edited)

So I went a little meshuggah and purchased a "I BROKE WAHOO'S LEG" and old school FMW logo onesies for Baby Sandy. In other news, about 2 weeks back The Wife and I were sitting on our ccomputers as Sandy played in her pen. 15 minutes go by before both Janice and I realize, its really quiet in the room. We both look in the pen and Sandy is GONE!

We both start freaking out, as we see that she broke through one of the walls in her pen. We both start calling for her. Little pup made her way to our bedroom and was happily sitting on bed giggling as she played with one of her many rattles. It was both a terrifying yet funny experience. The new rule is one of us must always sit in the pen with her as she plays.

Of course once the FMW onesie arrives I exxpect her to start spitting water and cut rambling promos that even other babies can't understand.
(UPDATE! Princess Sandy regained the Baby Wrestling World Championship from The Wife using the goddam Oriental Spike. No lie, she literally pressed her thumb on Janice's throat)

James

Edited by J.H.
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65303547_10156442854797951_6284067475134

Your Baby Wrestling World Champion!
(The Wife got the belt for Princess Sandra)

James

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It was a low key Toy Truck/Pastic Dinosaur Deathmatch for Princess Sandra. She didn't even get color!
65267265_2443082679272127_17686604243219

James

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If you got a kid <5yrs, I cannot recommend Bluey enough.

7 minute eps that are quite entertaining. That fucking dog is a better parent than I'll ever be.

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Breaking Wahoo's leg will tire a girl out...

65815859_10156450167962951_8887952279496
65489631_10156450167742951_4891806907913

James

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1 hour ago, J.H. said:

Breaking Wahoo's leg will tire a girl out...

 

James

James,

I say this in the best possible way. I am truly excited for you for when this kid becomes a toddler and gets more interactive and comprehending and really, really fun. Because this stuff? So far? Just the very tip of the iceberg. You seem to include her in so much of what you do is it is and that's the real secret to fatherhood: you get out what you put in. You are going to have a blast.

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Oh Matt.. I'm coming off of taking a year off of work specifically so I could be there to help The Wife and wtch sandy in these early stages. Every smile she shoots my way makes me feel like the most important guy in the world. It's amazing how much having her in my life has changed my outlook pon life and my overall day to day attitude. It feels like it only can get better no matter what pitfalls lie ahead

James

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