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Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown


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WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII

The WWE in 2011 put on a bad WrestleMania.  The year that followed though, was quite good, with the WWE run of the Summer of Punk and the all-time great match between CM Punk and John Cena at Money in the Bank. Also, Daniel Bryan turned heel and captured his first World Championship by cashing in his MitB contract.  Now, mind you there are definitely some low points in here. Outside of AJ Lee and Beth Phoenix, there was no one who could actually wrestle on the Women's side - so of course, Lee was used a manager.  Also Alberto Del Rio won the WWE Championship a couple of times, and Edge was forcibly retired by his all-but shattered neck.  

Well, let's see what we have in store for 2012, from Miami. It's the "Once In  A Lifetime" WrestleMania.   Fun fact, I was planning on going to this with friends since it would have been pretty cheap (family is in South Florida, so no hotel bills!), but the week before tickets went on sale, my job put up a No Vacations edict from March through May.  Mainly because a multi-million dollar project was going live on 4/1.   I ended up working about 70 hours that week!   I *definitely* could not have gone!   (The OT made a lot of credit card debt go away though. So, silver linings...)

Sheamus is out first and the crowd is still filing in.  As I'd heard, there was some security trouble at the stadium, and the crowd was very late getting in.  Sheamus had won King of the Ring in 2011, and now the 2012 Rumble, so he challenged Daniel Bryan (because he was too chicken to face CM Punk, I'd guess).  Sheamus is very much ready to take that next step up to become a main eventer, and I'd guess the hope was winning the title would be the thing to give him that final push.  

Daniel Bryan makes his WrestleMania debut, and is the first person since Hulk Hogan to debut as the world champion.  He's nominally a heel, but there is a groundswell building here.  He's doing his "Yes" chants on the way to the ring, and I'd honestly forgotten he was doing it this far back.  But as a testament to his getting over, the ENTIRE floor section of the crowd is doing the Yes chants with him.  Michael Cole is still sort of heelish, so he's extolling DB's skills and championship, which is the toned down way a heel commentator should be.  

DB had won the title at the December PPV by cashing in on Big Show, after getting completely fucked over by Teddy Long after a previous successful cash in on Mark Henry. 

So... I'm avoiding what happens next.   Because it's... unpleasant. 

Bryan asks his second, AJ Lee, for a kiss, receives it, and walks into a Brogue kick.  Sheamus has his 3rd world championship.  The crowd is stunned. 

18 seconds.  

There's a lot that can be written about what happened here.  Sheamus held on to the title for about 7 months after this, but the crowd was actively hostile to him a long period during that. He wouldn't hold the title again for 3 years.  The more interesting path is Bryan's though...

It easily arguable that Daniel Bryan is the recipient of the biggest negative push in pro wrestling history.  Constantly being berated or belittled by those in authority or on the mic.  I think there's  a case to be made that if "18 Seconds" doesn't happen... Team Hell No never happens...  The Yes Movement never happens... and more importantly, WrestleMania XXX definitely does not happen.  

Now I'm no fool. I'm positive the WWE fell ass backwards into the Daniel Bryan story.  Nothing would ever indicate they had the long term vision to create a 3 year long arc for this character.  But the overwhelming Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent, that Bryan Danielson brought to the table, got him to where he is today.  

So, maybe, just maybe... the worst thing that ever happened to Daniel Bryan, was simultaneously, the best. 

Maybe.  

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Mania 30 absolutely comes from the seed that was sown here. It wasn't planned but this was certainly the start of the crowd really telling WWE "This is the guy we want to see on top".

It also lead to a pretty great 2/3 falls match a month later as well.

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3 minutes ago, L_W_P said:

Mania 30 absolutely comes from the seed that was sown here. It wasn't planned but this was certainly the start of the crowd really telling WWE "This is the guy we want to see on top".

It also lead to a pretty great 2/3 falls match a month later as well.

That Extreme Rules show the next month was so damn good. That match, the Cena/Lesnar instant classic (stupid decision to have Cena win aside) and a really good Punk/Jericho rematch...

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12 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

I'm not entirely sure as to why Main Event Miz failed, but a working set of theories: 1) He was never given a shot to be either a dominant champ, or a chickenshit Honky Tonk Man champ.  Always staying in the lukewarm due to bad booking.  2) He never got a signature win. 3) Alex Riley was his "back up muscle." 4) It's the fucking dude from Real World.  5) His title reign always seemed like an afterthought, even while he was champ. 6) He never took that next step up, by bringing a harder edge to his style (though it was hilariously bad when he tried that after he'd lost his belt in the summer). 7) It's the fucking Miz.  

I think it was more his general mediocrity in the ring and a lack of decent feuds. Miz had a great feud with Ziggler over the IC title. He was way the hell better in the ring and came off more as main eventer in those matches and segments than he ever did as world champ. 

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7 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

  But the overwhelming Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent, that Bryan Danielson brought to the table,

Nice acronym!

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Randy Orton must have wanted to catch an early flight because he's on second.  He's spent the last year as an upper mid-card face.  Filling the "suitable opponent" role for any heel that mouthed off to an authority figure. It's a role he's pretty good at, and naturally one that he (supposedly) personally loathes.  He's fighting Kane, because...  why not? 

The story was "Kane Gets His Groove Back", in that Kane wanted to become the monster he was before and to do so, he needed to beat up Randy Orton. 

...

I mean, look, there are some storylines that make more sense within the context of the TV show as you're watching it, but it's been 8 years since this happened, and frankly who cares.  

Well, certainly not Randy because he's running his "Generic Randy Orton match" program.  Stomp, knee attacks, fake RKO, 3.0 GPA Backbreaker, fake RKO, finish.   This goes for 10 minutes and follows the plan step-by-step... 

Kane goes to the top rope, Randy looks like he's going to try an RKO from up there... oh, that's why he doesn't care.   Goozle, second rope chokeslam, sssssssee you later snakey boy.  

Kane is "a monster" again.  He'd be in comedy sketches within 3 months of this. 

Alright, I'm done with this.  

End of Ride 2, end of Day 84. 

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DAY 85

There may be no better metaphor for Big Show's career than him being 0-8 in singles matches at WrestleMania going into this year's show.  This guy who should have been the second coming of Andre the Giant, never got the same sustained mega-push during the entirety of his career. 

For his part, Cody Rhodes is going into WrestleMania on a very nice little role as Intercontinental Champ.  He's held the title for months, and when Big Show challenged him... well, he made fun of his record of failure.  The pre-match video makes that abundantly clear.   So well, in fact, that I'm wondering why this big idiot is even getting a shot at the title.  

God, this match is essentially a squash and whoever put it together should really apologize to Cody.  I'm sure Cody has some kind of story about the final spot of the match, which is him going for a Disaster Kick and running into a spear by Show instead.  Now, I see what they were going for, but show mistimed it, so his head and shoulder clearly clip Rhodes' leg.  I'm wondering if Cody tore his hamstring there because, yikes, that spot looked bad.  

He's fortunately okay, and unfortunately walks into a Big Show KO, as Show is now 1-8 and your new Intercontinental Champion.  

He's also weeping over this win, and I'm just thinking.  Um, okay big guy, it's just the IC belt.  

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I'd mentioned before how the late 2000's-early 2010's women's divisions were dire. Well, to that point, the three best wrestlers in the division were:  a manager, a Funkadactyl, and the one left to carry the entire division on her own.  

So, Beth Phoenix is basically in the worst possible situation you can imagine for her.  She's champ and she's cleared the field...  There's basically no one credible to challenge her, and there's no prospect of anyone coming to challenge her any time in the near future.  It's a damned shame.  (That being said, if she came along 5 years later...  well, she'd probably be the 6th or 7th best on the roster -- and I think I'm being quite generous there.  So... *shrug emoji*.)  

Anyway, she's being tasked with carrying Kelly Kelly and gimpy entertainment reporter Maria Menounos (who is recovering from legit injuries) AND Eve Torres to something resembling a watchable match.  To her credit, she *almost* pulls it off.   

Maria is given very easy spots and she performs admirably.  Eve is a good arrogant heel.  And Kelly did that one headscissors  spot she knows how to do.   Maria gets the pin on a heel miscommunication roll up.  

I can actually see the 4 of them are happy with their performance.  I mean the match isn't great or anything, but it was watchable enough with my rock bottom expectations for it.   

Now with the backstage stuff that's happening including Ron Simmons saying Damn and all the other goofy stuff, I'm about 30 minutes in.  Since I eventually have to log into work, I cut this one a little short because what's next.... well, it's epic. 

End of Day 85. 

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Mania 28 was either the last mania i was legit excited for (and upset by) or the first i watched giving zero fucks.  i can't remember which because there was a stretch of 4-5 years that i just got shitty drunk during each one. first, to cope with the shit booking and later because i enjoyed not giving a shit about WWE. 

i remember being upset by Sheamus-Bryan, so i'm guessing the former. the fact that Orton-Kane exists supports this. but Cody-Show i have zero recollection of even happening, so either it's the latter or i was already drunk. man, fuck this company.

bless you, @Dolfan in NYCfor reliving such shit events.

 

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Yeah man, these Manias are all a blur. To be honest, since 20, I cannot recite the full card. That's just about when I stopped caring. Ask me about anything before that? Boom, I can tell you. After, yeah, I'm useless.

Of course I still watch it every year though, because I'm an idiot.

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DAY 86

Ride 1

The New York Times, during These Troubled Times™ , has taken to publishing audio versions of some of their best stories over the last few years in the Sunday slot of The Daily podcast.  They've done some absolutely fucking amazing articles including a biography on "Weird Al" Yankovich (seriously, if you're at all a fan, listen), the heartbreaking story of a prisoner in California who was being paid $2 an hour to fight wildfires, and many, many others.  

The reason I mention this is because as I was showering today, I heard the one from a couple of weeks ago called "David's Ankles". The story focuses on the history of Michaelangelo's David, which is largely considered to be one of the most perfect human sculptures in the world.  However, since it's been exposed to the elements (and visitors) for centuries, some imperfections have developed and/or been discovered.  The ankles in particular, have cracks that, left to their own devices, will... not may, will cause the statue to topple and shatter at some point in the not too distant future. 

Now the thing is, the statue has had flaws in it, since the time the marble itself was cut out.  So, the fact that this inherently flawed thing can attain, or even approach the impossible plateau of "perfection", speaks to the genius of the creator.  And though we may prefer one thing to another, or find flaws that others overlook, doesn't diminish the mastery of the art.

The Undertaker had been gone from WWE since he was stretchered out of the previous WrestleMania. When he returned, it was to challenge HHH  for a match at Mania 28.  Even though he'd won last year, his body language, his actions, and his words all indicated he'd considered what happened an unforgettable humiliation and didn't want that to be the lasting image of him.  (Hmm... might be a grain of truth there.)

HHH has spent the last year fully embracing the Chief Operating Officer role of the WWE.  He was busy picking talent for his new little project down in Florida.  And did not want to be the one to end the streak because that would cost WWE money.  Taker finally figured out how to trick him into a match by saying "lol Shawn's better than you anyway."  HHH freaks, and responded by accepting and making the match a Hell in a Cell.  HBK also comes back in the picture and is the special guest ref.  So we're set.  

Lemmy commands me to sprint, and so I do.  I have to admit, the pyro going off sequentially around the stadium is an EXTREMELY cool look.  Taker is out now with a ton of fanfare himself.  It should be noted that they've timed it perfectly so that the sun has gone down in Miami, but there's *just* enough light left so its almost gives the entrance  a glow.  Very, very well done.  

Amazing in the "How did this not get overdubbed?" category, the Cell lowers from the roof to "The Memory Remains" by Metallica.  The song itself is very cool, and probably Metallica's last good song, but it doesn't really fit here.  

So, I've done the build up.  Now the match itself.... they've laid out a very interesting story here.  Both men are trying to prove themselves to be the greatest performer of the era.  They also know that the bombs away strategy of last year could not work in Hell in a Cell, because of the nature of the structure, and if they failed with that strategy, the match would be over quick.  Instead, they're brawling throughout the cage and doing vicious, barbaric hits to each other and build to the bigger things.  That is, until eventually HHH takes an upper hand.

Since it's no DQ, HHH is happy to get to the foreign objects. Mostly steel chairs and eventually the old Sledgehammer of Plot.  HBK is doing an admirable job keeping HHH from killing Undertaker (almost literally in one spot).  And the match sort of switches gears here, and becomes at once gigantic and intimate?  

You see the frustration building in HHH and realizing just how far he's going to need to go to put down Taker. He's barking HARD at Shawn to end the match via stoppage "before I do."  Taker keeps fighting back and HHH  keeps putting him down.  "Stay down" he's yelling.  Shawn is telling Taker he's going to end the match and that he's sorry... and gets put into the Hell's Gate armbar for his trouble.  This signals time for the Annual Charles Robinson Sprint to the ring.  Taker fights up and chokeslams the shit out of HHH for 2.  

Taker's pissed and ends Lil Naitch's night.  AND THEN WALKS INTO A SUPERKICK AND A PEDIGREE!  The crowd freaks the fuck out.  THAT only gets 2 and the crowd all completely bought that as the finish.  Shawn is freaking the fuck  out in the corner at what he just did.  HHH is angry as hell.  Undertaker does his sit up and he's fucking pissed now.  HHH eventually gets one more Pedigree off, but Taker kicks out, and now it's just a matter of time. 

Undertaker is back in full control and beats the unholy fuck out of Hunter.  And now, Taker is the one yelling at HHH, "STAY DOWN."  Hunter tries valiantly to use the sledge one more time, but Taker's all, nah bitch.  

And Hunter is now in the position that his idol was in...  that his best friend was in...  he will not end the STREAK~ and he knows it. 

...

"Anata ga motte iru subete no monode watashi o kōgeki shite kudasai."

Suck it.  

Taker sledgehammers him, tombstones him, and goes to 20-0.  

Shawn raises Taker's hand in victory. In an unfathomable sign of respect, Taker helps a prone HHH back to his feet and back up the ramp. They share a hug at the top of the ramp and we see the true "end of an era."

45 minutes of perfection, or the closest you'll get to it.  

As has been said by those of you who are reading this thread, some like the first (technically second) HHH match, some prefer one or the other HBK match, I personally liked this match the best of all 4. But to circle back to the start of this essay, this match, much like the three that come before it, are all absolutely amazing matches in their own ways.  The flaws you can find in each one doesn't diminish the art of the medium.  The cracks you can find in all of them do not diminish the brilliance displayed throughout. 

Each man came in, flawed in their own unique ways. They blended their talents, worked with each other's strengths, hid each other's weaknesses, and executed incredibly. Ultimately, beyond that, flaws and all, there was nothing more they could have done.  

They told one of the greatest stories ever told in a WWE ring in 4 chapters, over 4 years.  

End of Ride 1. 

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I really, really wish I liked that match more than I do. The overall five year story starting with Shawn retiring Flair and leading to The End of an Era is spectacular, but the match fell flat for me. Especially after how much I loved the prior year's match.

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On 10/22/2020 at 10:09 AM, Brian Fowler said:

That Extreme Rules show the next month was so damn good. That match, the Cena/Lesnar instant classic (stupid decision to have Cena win aside) and a really good Punk/Jericho rematch...

As funny as this may sound, I've never actually seen that PPV, aside from Cena-Lesnar which I watched as soon as I found a way. I've heard such good things about it, especially the 2/3 falls rematch, but I've never gotten around to watch it. I guess I really should, right?

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I genuinely didn't remember anything about any of those HBK/HHH vs. Taker matches until reading the reviews here. 

They did nothing for me personally. 

Then again, everything between WM 21 and WM 30 is a blur for me, which I'm sure says something about me as much as it does the company's creative output. 

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Ride 2

It's now time for the 2012 Hall of Fame ceremony.  The inductees are Yokozuna, Ron Simmons, Mil Mascaras, The 4 Horsemen, Mike Tyson, and Edge.  Pretty small class there.  And Edge got put in because of his "career ending" injury the year before.  You know what, call me crazy, but among these men?   Edge is far and away the least worthy of HoF status. And I know that's a ridiculous thing to say with some of the people that are already in and there's no objective way to measure them, but yeah... 

Heath Slater bothers Flo Rida back stage and gets beat up for it in a segment that was like 3 minutes long, but felt like 3 months. 

And we now have the battle of the GM's as John Laurinaitis fields a team of six heels (The Miz, Mark Henry, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, and captain David Otunga), they are announced to the ring by a Bella. Their opponents are Teddy Long's group of six faces (Kofi Kingston, The Great Khali, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, Booker T, and captain Santino Marella), they are announced to the ring by another Bella.  Again, I'll note Kofi is looking notably unenthusiastic about being on this team.  Also, of note, R-Truth has been with WWE for years and years, and has never had a one on one, or any kind of singles match ever at Mania.  Seems like something to correct at some point. 

The main thing to remember about this time is that Ryder has gotten over as being the "Internet Champion" and people were calling for him to get pushed up the card.  Look, the Zack Ryder thing was cute, and in many ways a *very* early prototype of the things that would eventually become internet sensations like the Broken Hardys and Being The Elite.  But ultimately, Ryder wasn't ever able to translate what he did on YouTube to the TV shows -- and yes, a lot of the blame goes to WWE for not knowing how to capitalize on that.  

Anyway, the match itself is a 10 minute snoozefest.  It was *very* clearly toned down because half the crowd is at the concessions stands and bathroom, and the other half are all mentally exhausted from the HHH/Taker match.  As such, they're out there spinning their wheels, until everyone gets cleared out by Kofi and Truth providing the only high spot of the match.  Santino hits the Cobra Strike on Miz, which leads to Zack Ryder setting up the Rough Rider, only to have his second Eve come in and do the set up with him.  He turns around into a Skull Crushing Finale, and Team Johnny wins.  

Eve kicks Zack in the balls and leaves.   

Whatever the HHH/Undertaker match was, this was roughly the opposite.    

Moving on...

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On 10/24/2020 at 12:47 AM, Dolfan in NYC said:

Amazing in the "How did this not get overdubbed?" category, the Cell lowers from the roof to "The Memory Remains" by Metallica.  The song itself is very cool, and probably Metallica's last good song, but it doesn't really fit here.  

I absolutely adore all your posts on these Wrestlemanias but I respectfully have to object on this one.  While they had a rough next album in St. Anger they've put out some good stuff since then.  But that's a subject for the music/metal thread.

And poor, poor Zack Ryder.  For daring to get over on his own between Kane pushing him off the stage and this they neutered the fuck out of him.  I don't blame him one bit for being salty about it but at least he seems to be doing okay for himself now.

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CM Punk is rolling into WrestleMania as WWE Champion after what was probably the most financially/creatively successful year of his career.  His reward is a feature match against Chris Jericho, who has returned from a sojourn that including a stint on Dancing with the Stars and being a talking head on a lot of nostalgia VH1 shows like I Love The 90's. Jericho is in the lighted jacket, JeriTroll phase of his career. As such, he's decided to make Punk's life a living hell by making him the subject of a Filter song.  (Or depending on how old you are, Harry Chapin.)  

So, I should note that Punk ran into Johnny Ace backstage who's enjoying his team's victory.  And to screw with Punk, he makes it a DQ Rule Waived for the championship match.  However, count outs are still allowed, in a bit that would annoy me later on in the match.  

So it's weird, they start out super slow, and it's after a few minutes that Jericho's plan is revealed.  He's basically going to troll Punk into getting DQ'ed and lose the title that way.  Jericho forgets that Punk is from Chicago, a city that is basically a troll on everyone else.  Just look at the casserole they dare to call "pizza."

Second half of the match is when Jericho decides he's actually got to win this match and needs to put in actual effort.  So they go pretty balls to the wall, including a fucking sweet counter of a super-huracanrana into the Walls.  Eventually, Jericho gets too aggressive and gets put into the Anaconda Vice.  Jericho manages to break it once, but once it's in a second time, Punk squeezes the fuck out of Y2J, and makes him tap like a Canadian Gregory Hines.  

In a sweet bit of trolling retribution, Jericho's very upset at having tapped out and sitting in the corner.  Punk sees him there, and then goes to pose for the crowd *in the corner Jericho's in*.   Very cute.  

Punk would hold on to the title until the following January, when some idiot named Dwayne beat him.  Jericho wouldn't get another main event program for a while after this feud ended and would end up dancing with another opponent next year. 

---

Brodus Clay is out to call his mother and... the only reason I mention this is because of the WrestleMania debut of Naomi.   As soon as I  actually saw her, I checked out.  Life is too short (and I was too tired) to watch Brodus fucking Clay pretend to be a dinosaur or whatever.  If I wanted to see that I'll turn on Fox News!  (OOH...Political!)

End of Day 86. 

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