Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown

[AxB]

I still maintain that Bowl Cut Kid and Brock Lesnar Guy are the same person.

[elizium]

Didn't Vlad work for Make a Wish or something, so that's why he always had access to front row seats?

[Dolfan in NYC]

Wrapping up the day's ride will be a quick word from Bam Bam saying he's gonna beat LT.  Sure, Jan.

Bret lost his title to Bob Backlund after Owen's insane double-turn during Survivor Series '94. And now 6 months later, an I Quit match.   This is the blow off for their months long feud.  (Sometimes WWE's shift to a more accelerated story line is not a bad thing.) Rowdy Roddy Piper is out here again as guest ref because...  why not? 

Now this match is pretty slowly paced, even by 1995 standards.  It's crazy because anything that resembles a rest hold has Piper in there with the mic saying "WHATTYA SAY?!?"  Over and over and over... for 10 minutes.  The match is just fucking boring because there's nothing going on and I really wish I could say more about it, but Piper is really ruining any kind of flow this match has by inserting himself whenever and wherever possible.  

The end comes as both guys fight over who can put on the Crossface Chickenwing on the other, and Bret locks it in.  Piper asks again, Backlund NEVER says "I quit", but Piper calls for the bell anyway.  Backlund rolls out of the ring screaming about 'seeing the light' and I honestly do not remember or care what that was about. 

Bret is VERY clearly nonplussed about this match.  That makes two of us. 

The lesser Turturro brother has officially lost Pam Anderson and has "reassigned" celebrities. Okay.  

And here's Diesel's awful promo.  SCREAMING MAKES IT GO BETTER!!!   

That's enough of that.  

End of Day 32. 

[AxB]

I remember that promo. He seemed like he was playing the Big Daddy Cool character a bit too much. It was fairly obvious somebody off camera gave him a sign to get more aggressive in his delivery, because he suddenly became angry at the thought of... retaining the title.

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 33

HBK and Diesel are now up for the WWF World Championship. We have finally solved the mystery of when Pam Anderson would make her on camera appearance, because after Michaels came out with the anti-vaxxer, Diesel brings in Julian Assange's best friend.  The depths to which both do not care about being here is fucking hilarious.  Oh, Sid's here with Shawn because... reasons?  

As I said earlier there are photographers (fake and otherwise) ALL over the ringside ala Mania 1, and both Shawn and Nash are both annoyed by their presence at one point or another.  HBK actually shoves them out of the way at a couple of points. These two are capable of such a better match than this, it's not even funny. Things aren't getting executed crisply, Diesel is severely winded about halfway through the match, and none of these spots are flowing at all.   Like there's no story being told, there's no reason for Sid to be out at ringside, there's no reason for Jenny and Pamela to be there, there's no reason for any of this.  

The finish is beyond bizarre because Hebner looks like he legitimately hurt his leg chasing down Diesel and HBK on the outside.  Even Vince sounded thrown. HBK hits Sweet Chin Music and gets a visual pin (which makes me think it was a planned spot).  But Hebner is limping around REALLY heavily and he's not THAT good an actor.  Diesel hulks up and *BARELY* powerbombs Shawn, and that's it. Shawn fucking bolts from the ring.  He and the other celebs celebrate.  

Yikes, that was trying to plug in 90's guys into a Hulk Hogan style match, and it failing because that really wasn't either of these guys' style. I'm sure Shawn wasn't doing his part, but Nash just wasn't the guy to put in as smilin' babyface champion. 

Okay... moving on...

[Dolfan in NYC]

We cut from HBK saying he was robbed to .... 

Vince making GROWLIN' VINCE introductions of the Million Dollar Corporation. Basically every mid-card joke heel on the roster at the time, all taking Ted DiBiase's money.  Honestly, I appreciate the grift.  No wonder he had to (allegedly) embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from his church. 

The NFL guys are out and I really remember hating Chris Spielman at this point when I first watched this.  I guess he'd sacked Marino recently.  

Bam Bam now is out and attacks three women who are just standing by the entrance.  Wonder what that was about.   LT now out and those three women, who are apparently Salt N Pepa, are ecstatic.  I don't know why you'd have Salt N Pepa out there and not have them perform.  Just weird.  (For the record, Vince has to have absolutely terrible lawyers if he can't secure the rights to performances at his events in perpetuity.)  

Pat Patterson is the special referee, but aside from being a retired wrestler, there was zero story reason for him to be there.  His job though is clearly to walk LT through the paces, step by step... and frankly, the match is SO much better because of it.  

You can definitely see Bam Bam is excited to work this match and LT has some early nerves, but both Bam Bam and Pat put him at ease.  They actually lay into each other good and I'm genuinely surprised how well LT is working.  Of course, LT is a super athlete and can work his athleticism into doing this whole thing once... especially since he never really had to cut a promo.  Bam Bam actually controls the middle 3/4 of the match and LT does decently well keeping up.  However, we know that if this guy was only gonna be here once, the ending of the match is not in question.  

LT does an absolutely awful "jackknife" powerbomb, but was actually, just a hip throw.  Bam Bam sold it like a champ though.  But the finish comes with forearms a plenty, and a big STIFF forearm off the second rope does Bigelow in.    

LT celebrates in the ring with the NFL guys.  DiBiase berates Bam Bam on the way to the locker room.  And they cut pretty abruptly.  

--- 

So, yeah, Mania XI was terrible.  Bad matches, bad performances by good wrestlers, and while the main event was decent, the rest was just awful to get to it.   Oh well, onto Anaheim...

End of Day 33.

[Curt McGirt]

On 5/10/2020 at 7:26 PM, Dolfan in NYC said:

It's crazy because anything that resembles a rest hold has Piper in there with the mic saying "WHATTYA SAY?!?"  Over and over and over... for 10 minutes. 

God I remember that now. That was the worst. I'm not sure if there was a worse special guest ref, unless it's Gene Kiniski in the Flair/Race cage match.

[Elsalvajeloco]

30 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

God I remember that now. That was the worst. I'm not sure if there was a worse special guest ref, unless it's Gene Kiniski in the Flair/Race cage match.

Piper in that match was all time bad. Too hard to beat.

Kiniski...that might not even be the worst special referee in a Flair cage match. Dick the Bruiser as ref during Sting/Black Scorpion at Starrcade 90 in St. Louis at Kiel Auditorium was pretty horrible. It also doesn't help the match is a mess. You got Flair trying so hard not to wrestle like Flair. You also have him trying to saw his damn head off blading through TWO masks. There is just a disgusting amount of blood soaking the white mask when he takes off the black one. Then, you have the super rushed bullshit finish where the Horsemen who were just super over faces earlier that night against Doom then rush out to stop Sting and the other babyfaces from revealing his identity. The cherry on top is Dick the Bruiser moving around at a glacial pace. If he moved any slower, he would be going backwards.

Jim Herd keeping his position for another year after that is fucking amazing.

Honorable mention goes to anytime WCW brought in Mr. T.

Edited May 12, 2020 by Elsalvajeloco

[Curt McGirt]

You know I've never seen that individual piece of Wrestlecrap before. That should go in the running when we do Bad Match Week for Secret Santo.

[Elsalvajeloco]

Just now, Curt McGirt said:

You know I've never seen that individual piece of Wrestlecrap before. That should go in the running when we do Bad Match Week for Secret Santo.

I will say this....it's not like you WON'T be entertained. Now the type of entertainment you derive from it, it's not for me to say.

[PetrolCB]

Mongo as a special ref in TNA was ...something.

http://wrestlecrap.com/inductions/mongo-referee/

[Elsalvajeloco]

28 minutes ago, PetrolCB said:

Mongo as a special ref in TNA was ...something.

http://wrestlecrap.com/inductions/mongo-referee/

I imagine Mongo was dealing with some substance issues.

[thee Reverend Axl Future]

Late era Bronko Lubich made (WCCW) always made me very sad. If he got down to the mat at all, it was painfully slow. If the pin wasn't at all near the ropes, he just air counted. He was a good manager, tho', nice hair and suit.

- RAF

[Curt McGirt]

There was a reason that Halliburton was always around. Now how he got its contents pass the sniffer dogs at the airport is another question.

Sandy Barr tried to totally ruin a Portland match I watched a couple days ago. Who else has ever switched hands when counting a pinfall?! 

[Tarheel Moneghetti]

8 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

No wonder he had to (allegedly) embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from his church. 

I thought Ted Jr. the alleged embezzler, not Sr.?

[Dolfan in NYC]

Not Ted, Jr.,  it's his other son Brett.  However, it was all done through Ted's organization, so at the very least... he probably (WINK.  WINK.)  knew. 

Also of note, this is another offshoot of the Mississippi Dept of Human Services massive misappropriation case that caught Brett Favre earlier this week.  

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 34

WRESTLEMANIA XII

So Mania 12 is a pretty divisive WM as these things go.  The WWF was basically saying we've got Bret & HBK and not much else. We're still a few months away from "...I just whipped your ass" and also, the debut of a third generation "blue chipper".  A bunch of people are about to leave, but there are a few new key additions...  So in many ways we're at the low point of the WWF, but as the saying goes, "it's always darkest before the dawn."

We begin with a six-man tag match.  Vader in his Mania debut, Owen & Bulldog are his partners, and Jim Cornette is the manager. The recently fired by Cornette, Yokozuna leads the faces.  His partners are Jake Roberts who's back after a stint in WCW and Ahmed Johnson, who is Big E Langston's body with the personality of drywall.  The gimmick is if Yoko's team wins, he gets 5 minutes alone with Cornette.  Judging by the fact that Yoko is bigger than ever, I think I'd take Cornette in that fight. 

Now, for what it's worth, Yokozuna has clearly gotten the message that he needs to bust ass in this match because he's actually moving around like he's motivated and is generally trying.  Vader and Yoko hold it together for the first segment and I imagine how fucking awesome this match would have been 3 years earlier.  That said, both guys are REALLY laying it in and this match is good for that because they both roll through some spots for three minutes and then can rest.  Yoko especially clearly needed out when he tagged.  

Owen and Davey Boy are both in their prime (unfortunately) and are pretty much saddled with taking a no longer good Jake, and a never really good Ahmed, through the remaining 10 minutes of this match. So, the match drags a lot... especially during Jake's portion.  The ref is also doing a piss poor job because people are missing their cues, basically no one is tagging in and out, and generally everything is a mess.   The end comes as Jake hits the DDT on Owen, Cornette makes the save and is about to get a DDT of his own... but Vader saves him and squashes Jake dead with a very nice (and maybe a little too close) Vaderbomb. 

Welcome back Jake.  

[Curt McGirt]

Speaking of religious scams, lets not forget this was born-again Jake.

[PetrolCB]

12 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

Speaking of religious scams, lets not forget this was born-again Jake.

What, you didn't trust him?

[BobbyWhioux]

funny to think that if Jake had not been Born-Again Jake, we'd never have gotten Austin 3:16

[PetrolCB]

6 minutes ago, BobbyWhioux said:

funny to think that if Jake had not been Born-Again Jake, we'd never have gotten Austin 3:16

I like to think Austin gets up there and since he doesn't have that to riff off of, he stumbles through it and we get a Genesis of McGillicutty type promo.

Or worse, like the time Bayley froze on Talking Smack.

And for @Nice Guy Eddie; like how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line.

Edited May 12, 2020 by PetrolCB

[(BP)]

1 hour ago, BobbyWhioux said:

funny to think that if Jake had not been Born-Again Jake, we'd never have gotten Austin 3:16

Let’s look at who else was in the tournament and figure out some alternatives for that promo.

Mero - Stone Cold just went Wild on your ass. 

Vader - It’s time. Asskickin’ time! 

Savio - Puerto Rico may be unincorporated territory, but you still have the constitutional right to get your ass kicked by Ol’ Stone Cold! 

Janetty - I just rocked that ass! 

Henry Godwinn - You’re wearin’ the right outfit cause overall I whooped your ass!

Hunter - Your blood maybe be blue, son, but now your ass is red...cause I kicked it!

Holly - I just took Spark Plug three hundr’d laps round Charlotte Motor Asskickin’ way!

Bradshaw - They call him the Hawk, but here’s another kinda bird...the kind I flip at you after I kick your ass! 

Skip - You’re gonna need a bodydonna to donate you a new ass! I just kicked yours off!

Owen - Blackheart? More like black and blue ass, cause I kicked it! 

Yokozuna - Do you want sumo this asskickin’?! 

 

 

[mattdangerously]

5 hours ago, PetrolCB said:

I like to think Austin gets up there and since he doesn't have that to riff off of, he stumbles through it and we get a Genesis of McGillicutty type promo.

Or worse, like the time Bayley froze on Talking Smack.

And for @Nice Guy Eddie; like how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line.

Are you seriously trying to compare Austin's promos skills to Curtis fucking Axel? Ban plz

[Curt McGirt]

Fox Sports 1 is showing the Wrestlemania III rewind and then all of III right now, FYI

[SirSmUgly]

Owen wasn't the Black Hart yet, IIRC, as he first started using that moniker post-Screwjob.

He was still the King of Harts at this point, which means we would've got something like "King of Jackasses," which, yeah, not as memorable as what we did get.