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Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown


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DAY 128

Just when I think I'm out... they pull me back in.  

So, I got vaccinated in February.  As soon as they said I was eligible for a booster in mid-October, I got that shot.  (Moderna-Moderna-Pfizer, for those curious) Well, things were going good.  Things in general seemed to be calming down COVID-wise.  Schools re-opened, I was going back to the office a few times a week, and it genuinely looked like the worst was over here in New York.  

"The WHO has announced there is a new variant. . ."  

Well, that announcement seemed to come around Thanksgiving.  The consensus was this needed to be watched, but not to begin panicking.  Well, things went along okay.  I had my birthday dinner in an nice old-school Italian place in the Bronx (Mario's on Arthur Ave -- oh my god, get the ossobuco!) and we were starting Christmas/New Year's plans.   Then the Tuesday after, I noticed a small scratch in my throat.  Wednesday, I was coughing, but didn't have a fever or loss of smell/taste, so I figured, eh, this is a cold.  Well, Thursday was a day before my sister and my nieces were coming into town for a tour of NYC.  I thought, eh, let me just be safe and take a rapid test, just be sure I'm okay.   15 minutes later. . .

Positive.  FUCK.  

Isolation for 10 days.  No contact with anyone, only a job-required PCR test needed to confirm my diagnosis was my only time out. That first day was the roughest as I was coughing and congested.  But again, the disease felt like a cold.  I got lucky and was in the very early part of the Omicron tsunami and was able to get monoclonal antibodies.  About 24 hours after that, I was solidly back to normal.  But again, I had 6 more days of isolation left.  What to do, what to do....

Well, the bike is still there. . .  And I guess there is one more WrestleMania that's happened since I finished this.  Okay, fuck it, why not. . . 

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII or I Can't Believe They're Still Under Contract!

There's a ton to be said about the 2020-21 year, but it can basically be summed up by the word "Thunderdome".  The WWE realized playing professional wrestling to no audience, while interesting as a concept, just didn't work overall.  So, they came up with the idea of having several rows of TV's around the ring and having fans do live feed reactions to what they were watching.   

The idea was incredibly novel and successful, but likewise very flawed.  The crowd was back, giving the performers stuff to react off of - although it was clear the WWE manipulated reaction sounds to be whatever they wanted.  But also, the crowd was back - and that meant some really, really bad stuff made it on the air, not the least of which was a face being replaced by that of Chris Benoit, and some well, well beyond that. 

But, back in March, before the Delta variant came into our lives, the veil had been lifted just enough so that there could be a real, live audience for the first time in more than a year.  And as we tune in on Tampa, we indeed see a large crowd in the audience, and all the performers on stage, led by Vince, thanking us for helping everyone get through the pandemic.  (sigh...)

America the Beautiful is sung. And we're off...

First off...  a 30 minute rain delay.  Thunderstorms were passing through Tampa, and so for the first time ever we're in a weather delay. 

This is, in a word, inauspicious. 

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*30 minutes later* 

The pre-match package begins, and we're starting with a WWE Championship match for the 2nd time in three years.  Drew McIntyre held the belt for the majority of the time since the previous Mania.  He served as an adequate champion, had the look, the physique, the charisma, ...but the matches, hit or miss.  Anyway, in one of the odder choices made during the pandemic, Otis won the Money in the Bank match.  Otis, who is apparently a moron, lost the briefcase after an interminable feud with The Miz.  

With the help of the newly unburdened with dead weight (sorry guys, it's true) Bobby Lashley, the Miz successfully cashed in and ended Drew's reign as champ once and for all.  Lashley promptly annihilated Miz and became The Almighty Champion.  

Sidebar -- there's at least a thousand word piece to be done about Miz's career.  Going from being a loser on The Real World to being a green as grass heel to being the best heel promo in the business...  and being the only guy to be a double grand slam champion along the way.  Miz is somehow the most under-appreciated AND most over-decorated guy the industry has ever seen.  It's truly fascinating, and eventually when he retires and goes into the Hall, it will be opined on further.  (And for what it's worth, I think ol' Mikey has a foot planted firmly out the door and is looking to move on sooner, rather than later.)  

Anyway, Lashley challenged Drew, in an odd turn of events for a heel, but one that makes sense for his character.  So here we are. 

The rain hasn't quite abated yet, so a very clearly emotional Drew comes out in a pretty cool and un-repeatable way in the rain towards the ring.  I feel bad for anyone who paid an ungodly amount of money and was near those giant pylon things because it looked like a waterfall coming down from them.  Anyway, the trumpets sound and here's the champ.  

I'm not sure if Lashley was in character or nervous because of the conditions or what, but it looks like Drew wanted to take in the moment, but Bobby's like 'let's fucking go already.'   And go they do.  

They basically pound the fuck out of each other for about 15 minutes or so with no one really gaining an upper hand.  The most notable thing is them being REALLY protective of each other on the outside.  I'm sure a missed step out there means a blown out knee for either guy, who are not exactly the most immune to injury.   Kevin Dunn also apparently got into the best cocaine Ybor City has to offer because we're full on with ten billion cuts for everything.  

They're actually having a very good match as Lashley is clearly bringing it and Drew is too.  I mean that tope Drew did looked like Pan Am did a flight over Lockerbie, but, the dude's excited.   

So, Drew finally takes control after breaking out of the Hurt Lock, Bobby's full nelson finisher.  He looks to have Lashley set up for the Claymore (kick - god I hate it that they call it the Claymore Kick and not just the Claymore).  But Bobby's manager, MVP pays dividends as he distracts Drew long enough for Hurt Lock #2 to be applied. 

Drew, being a WWE face, has to take forever to try to break out of this.  He manages to stupidly flip through on the ropes, instead of hanging onto or just touching them, so Bobby rolls through too. 

Yet I will try the last. Before my body
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'

Well, damn'd be Drew McIntyre as the Scottish king is vanquished.  The Almighty reigns supreme.  

A master class in getting over a new monster heel champion.  Looking back, it's the absolute right call to make too.  Though it was a bit of a shock at the time as I think most people had the title change back to Drew pegged as all but certain.  Lashley had finally come into his own and held the title for 6+ months of wrecking fools. 

Drew spent the rest of the year in the upper card in a solid role, though, I for one, am getting a little tired of his act being "I will murder you with my sword."  

Moving on...

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Bayley being "Karen with a Talk Show" is a spectacular turn for her character and I will not hear otherwise.  The nWo is backstage doing god knows what and Bayley comes in to try to make friends.  You can tell they all love the character but only Waltman lets it break a little by saying "I like what you do."  

I'd pay good money for the next pay per view to only be Bayley interviewing old wrestlers.  Forcing them to do TikTok dances.  And most importantly, forcing them to agree with her that Adam Pearce is an idiot.  

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I adored the crap out of Bayley doing a talk show at WM but am still bummed that that's all they had for her, especially with what they to her on night two.  Surely they could have given her a meaningful match considering who was there at the time but it was not to be.

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2 hours ago, NikoBaltimore said:

I adored the crap out of Bayley doing a talk show at WM but am still bummed that that's all they had for her, especially with what they to her on night two.  Surely they could have given her a meaningful match considering who was there at the time but it was not to be.

I’ve said this here multiple times, but if I were her this would come up when I was deciding whether or not to re-up. 
The dipshits making the decisions go out of their way to accommodate two women who aren’t noticeably better promos and far lesser workers than her. Meanwhile they have nothing for the woman who kept the company together during the early days of the pandemic. If I were her I’d look at how TK has treated Ruby Soho and ask myself if I wanted that or to continue to be shoved aside for Shoehorn Charlotte and Becky One Note…

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I'm sure her contract's not going to finish for quite some time.  But no matter what version of Bayley we get she would be a perfect fit for the roster.  On top of all that she brings to the table there's some really exciting matchups that would make for incredible TV.  I know in particular she really wants to work Deeb again and I'd dare say on a PPV that can be an easy MOTYC.

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When the Women's tag belts were created a few years ago, people said it was the high point for the women's division.  I would argue that this gauntlet match is it though.   It is the match where the women truly reached equality.  

The men's side have for years and years been ruled for years and years by singles getting randomly thrown together because an upper carder/veteran needed to babysit a youngster, or pissed off Vince, or was bored, or whatever.   Here we have one (1) team that normally tagged together - The Riott Squad (and even that was weird as this was essentially a reunion after they'd been split), and four other teams that were like, "Oh you're on the roster. You're in a tag team with this person now."    It's especially weird because there were perfectly good tag teams out there, but they'd been broken up via the draft or turns.   But, hey, that's life in the lower mid-card in WWE, regardless of your gender. 

So, the match is for a title shot on Night 2 against the hyper-dominant champions Shayna Baszler and Nia Jax.  It's standard gauntlet rules otherwise.  So we got: Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke vs. The Riott Squad vs. Natalya & Tamina vs. Lana & Naomi  vs. Billy Kay & Carmela

Team Gentrification (Naomi/Lana) come out first.  Lana is in her post-Rusev release phase where she is trying to get respect from others as a serious wrestler on her own.  She got put through tables for like 2 months in a row by Nia Jax during it.  Eventually she found a regular tag partner in Naomi - who is better than this - by all but literally copying her act.  They begin with Billie Kay & Carmella.  

Billie Kay is also bafflingly on her own now, despite being decent as a wrestler, an excellent comedy promo, and clearly willing to do whatever was asked of her. I don't remember the exact machinations of how she ended up with Staten Island's finest, but here we are.  Carmella, for her part, is perfectly decent, though her relationship with the man who plays Corey Graves, provides a perfect example of why nepotism rules exist in companies. 

Yes, they're both heels, yes, his job is to get her over, and yes, they're clearly madly in love.  But his insane lecherousness whenever she's on screen is over the top to the point of it being distracting and detracting from her matches.  When he got called on it a month or so ago, he bafflingly said it was part of an act to get his future wife's character over because she was his future wife (in much more weaselly words).  

Now I've already written what seems like 1 billion words on this 2 minute segment, so I'll just say Carmella/Billie pull off the 'upset', which is like saying the Jacksonville Jaguars upset the Detroit Lions.  

Next in are the Riott Squad, who were widely expected to win, because, you know, they're an actual team.  Plus, Ruby Riott is actually quite good, and Liv is steadily improving.  Billie Kay actually has a storyline reason to be in this match against them because they turned on her after she cost them a match.  Oddly, that did not turn them heel because...  Billie is "annoying"?  I dunno. 

Regardless, Ruby's clearly the general in the ring and getting everyone into a decent enough match.  They blow a couple of spots, which stands out in a 5 minute match, but this was no worse than anything you'd see on TV.   Riott Squad move on. 

Dana Brooke and Mandy Rose are up next.  Mandy is a prime example of someone who's done a ton better for herself by leaving WWE - mind you, it was for NXT, but still.  Dana's continued employment is, and has been, a mystery to me for the last couple of years.  The few minutes they're in the ring are more boring than bad, but Ruby is still clearly trying her heart out.  The Squad win the the dreaded Inside Cradle.  

Last, and in this case, least.... we have Natalya and Tamina.  Tamina is an absolutely astounding case of someone who hasn't improved in the more than 10 years she's been on the roster. As I'd heard it, her employment was a favor done for her father, Superfly Snuka... but god damn.  Nattie for her part is, what she has been since 2012 or so... a competent veteran who is there.  I'm guessing backstage she's a leader, but at this point it's just taking time from other people you need to get over.  

So the Riotts are exhausted by now, and Nattie and Tammy are just there to pick the bones clean.  Tamina of course blows a spot, which Ruby looks visibly annoyed at.  But the end comes when Nattie is firmly in control and gives Tamina her "WrestleMania Moment" by telling her to do the Superfly Splash from the top to a prone Ruby.  Nattie/Tammy win and will face the champs in a weird heel vs heel match for the titles on Night 2. 

Kudos to Ruby for not dying.   Kudos to me for not dying either.  

(Actually, to give you a little inside look -- I did this ride around day 5 post-diagnosis since I 'felt fine'.  There were a few times during this ride I actually felt... oh wait, I'm not fully healed yet, so I slowed down and took it a little easier.)  

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Your favorite superstars tell you to get vaccinated.  (That's good!)

Now here comes Seth Rollins.  (That's bad!)

Seth Rollins has a political ad telling us why Cesaro is terrible for us all.  (That's good!)

Seth Rollins comes out to new music.  (That's bad!)

Cesaro comes out and all but instantly spins Seth Rollins around until his head nearly pops off.  (That's good!)  

Seth then controls the next 10 minutes of this 12 minute match.   (...)   

(That's bad.) 

(Can I go now?)

Alright, alright.  Cesaro gets to bust out the Giant Swing twice, AND gets to do the god damned UFO~ on his way to his first WrestleMania (singles) win ever.  Say what you will about Seth, he put over Cesaro *huge* here.   Good little match to end my first ride back.   

End of Day 128. 

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On 1/7/2022 at 1:59 PM, Dolfan in NYC said:

Alright, alright.  Cesaro gets to bust out the Giant Swing twice, AND gets to do the god damned UFO~ on his way to his first WrestleMania win ever.  

Can't forget The Andre!

On 11/9/2020 at 3:01 PM, Dolfan in NYC said:

The Inaugural Andre Battle Royal is up now as everyone on the (men's) roster now gets a Mania payday.  Only Sheamus and Big Show get an intro though. Hmm... Sus.

 But Show quickly calls the spot, and Cesaro re-enacts the Hogan/Andre bodyslam, and out goes Big Show.  

Cesaro wins his first really, really big match.  Again, I'm not sure about that at all, but it sure as hell looked like someone fucked up bad there. 

 

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DAY 129

I will note that the Peacock interface for WWE is horrible.  Much like the rest of that entire app. It seems to arbitrarily forget where you are, so I had to hunt for the post Cesaro stuff.  So I get to see "Main Event" Jey Uso win the Andre Battle Royale & the yet to be named Dirty Dawgz retaining the Smackdown Tag titles in a recap of Friday's show.

Anyway, we're here at "Get The New Guy Over"-Mania as now, 11 time Tag Champions, The New Day are being challenged by AJ Styles and his new bodyguard/sidekick Omos.  Who's big talent seems to be -- being very tall?  

The whole match, is AJ - a heel - doing a face in peril routine, while the New Day - the faces - are playing heel, talking loads of shit and verbally burying AJ as they go.  "You are not a tag team wrestler" was a quality line from Mr. X.  

So, the moment we're all waiting for/dreading happens, as AJ escapes the New Day's clutches and in comes Omos.  What's most interesting to me is, Omos is clearly a lost sheep in the ring.   All three other guys very clearly are walking him through every spot.  He comes across as an otherworldly monster, who can clearly move alright, but...  there's just something missing.   I guess it's the sort of knowledge/motions/subtleties that comes with being in the ring for a bit (Braun was like this at first too, but he was clearly a natural and picked it up quickly). 

The end comes with Omos doing a tree slam to Kofi - because we clearly didn't learn our lessons from Khali.  And AJ telling him "one foot", and Omos wins the tag titles with a foot on the chest of the decimated champs.  

Omos looked scary as hell in here, but a year has sort of taken the shine off for me.  It's clear he's a good athlete, but there's just nothing really there beyond that.  I mean, I literally cannot think of a time in the last year of him being active that he has taken a flat back bump, or frankly a bump of any kind.   The WWE firing Braun later in the year makes me see they're going all in with this guy, but I just do not see anything other than Giant Gonzalez with knees. 

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And speaking of B-B-B-Braun he's here to face off in a steel cage match against noted bully and shitbird, Shane McMahon.  Shane has, regardless of being a face or heel, always come across as a smug asshole.  But here, he decided it was a good idea to pick a fight with Braun Strowman who appears to be a solid 9" taller than he is and outweighs him by around 75-100 lbs.   So, I guess it's safe in calling this a Mid-Life Crisis match.  

So, yeah, Shane essentially kicks a Japanese Murder hornet's nest (remember that unresolved plot line from 2020?) until Braun catches him and tells him they're fighting in a steel cage at Mania.   Oh, the steel cage was needed because both Elias and Jaxson Ryker have been sticking their noses in and beating on Strowman whenever he goes after Shane. 

Now, of course, the issue whenever Shane has a match is why, on God's green earth, should any professional wrestler sell for him.  Well, here as Braun is doing his choo choo entrance (Vince I guess decided Braun was a train), Elias and Ryker come out and beat the fuck out of Braun with a steel chair and throw his carcass into the ring.  Of course, the problem is Shane actually decided to do the match instead of leaving as soon as the bell rang.  

So at that point, it was just a matter of time. Shane does his spots including the Van Shaneinator.  But oops, time is indeed up, as Strowman splatters Shane everywhere. Strangely, I dunno, this match just isn't compelling. It has the odd quality of being boring and violent at the same time.  They did come up with a cute spot with Shane almost escaping and Braun, literally ripping the cage open and pulling a terrified Shane through, but neither really look like they have their heart in this.  

The end has Shane at the top, basically dead.  Braun is up there with him and I could have sworn they were going to do Braun's never-named running powerslam from the top, which would have been a crazy, Mania-worthy spot.  It kind of looks like they called an audible (I'm guessing Braun didn't want his clavicle shattered) and Braun just tossing him from the top into the ring.   Running powerslam and Braun covers for the oddly underwhelming win. (I really wonder if Omos doing the foot on chest pin meant they dropped that spot at the end of this match, because it really felt like it needed it.)

I said earlier this was violent and boring.  Maybe the right way to put it is this was violently boring.  

Anyway, Shane basically disappeared after this and Braun went on to challenge for the WWE Title the next month.  And then got released. 

I have heard the thought process was, Braun's contract was coming up soonish, and they had TWO Brauns waiting in the wings (Omos and whatever that dude's name is that's with Jinder - Venkman?  No wait that's a ghostbuster.).  So, much like an NFL punter, Braun got cut.   His Instagram then filled with oddly (unaware?) homo-erotic content, until he got back into wrestling in the indies.  

What an odd time 2021 has been for Bongo Scuzzlebutt.  

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Since flying a bunch of old people around the country during the rise of a pandemic would have been a catastrophically bad idea, we get the 2020 Hall of Fame induction ceremony here in 2021.  In no particular order, they are: JBL, Jushin "Thunder" Liger, The Bella Twins, The nWo, and The British Bulldog.  William Shatner is the celebrity inductee.  Titus O'Neil wins the Warrior award for his charity work.  

I've already made my point about the Bellas and how I just did not care for their work.  JBL is a piece of shit bully, who has been credibly accused multiple times of assault.  There's also a really, REALLY good case for throwing Hulk Hogan out of the HOF.  But instead he gets made a two timer.  (Maybe he actually did give Joseph Parks/Abyss his ring?)  

Liger and the Bulldog are among my favorites.  Very glad I got to see Liger in his MSG farewell match in 2019. And Davey Boy was just gone way too soon.  Damn shame.  I wonder if there was any truth to rumor that the injury that would eventually end his career was caused by him taking an awkward bump on a trap door they'd set up in the ring for a surprise Warrior entrance.  

Anyway, I'll note the Legacy entrants:  Ray Stevens (They call him the Streak!), Gary Hart, Brickhouse Brown, Baron Michele Leone, and Dr. Death Steve Williams.  I was kind of surprised Williams didn't get the main stage induction.  And I'm sure there's a reason why, but I just don't know it.   

End of Day 129. 

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Discounting any pettiness, Williams checks off a lot of boxes for a legacy induction. He’s passed away, he never had a significant run in WWF, he’s not going to bring more eyes to the ceremony, and the most obvious person to induct and/or speak for him works somewhere else. 

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17 hours ago, zendragon said:

I understand the logic of putting the McMahons on tv in the attitude era (they wouldn't jump ship) but why the need to keep running a 50ish Shane O'mac out there is baffeling 

Because the audience likes him for his willingness to do crazy shit. Shane coming around every now and again isn't too bad. The real issue is they always have him overstay his welcome.

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I have felt for the longest time that the best use of Shane was as a manager to whatever group of shithead/showoff heels you have in the midcard. His music will get a pop and then he can do most of the talking.

Give him a stable with say -
Austin Theory
Von Wagner
Ziggler/Roode

And the intention is to just keep the IC/US title on Theory as long as possible.

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DAY 130

I'm just going to tell you something.  A lot of people showed their asses when Bad Bunny showed up on WWE TV.  There was an -- odd -- hostility when he came around on the twitters and the reddits and other message boards of the world.  It ranged from who is this guy to who is this Puerto Rican?  (and the pejorative is very, very much what I mean there)  

Anyway, he's the biggest celebrity fan the WWE could pull in.  A multi-platinum recording artists with more hits that were currently on the charts than anyone they'd had in years... or maybe ever.  So, he's small, fast, and able to move, and he got sent to the PC to learn the craft and through a bunch of machinations ended up with Damien Priest as his muscle. 

Miz, who as I said earlier, is clearly eyeing the door - if not already stepping out - and John Morrison want to collab with Mr. Bunny.   But, much like those spam bots who flood your Instagram posts with "ur so cool Let's collab?" replies, they were rejected.  Bunch of stuff happens, and we have a celebrity tag match at Mania. 

Miz and Morrison are out first with a lot of guys in bunny costumes to do their new hit single "Hey Hey Hop Hop", which is way better than it has any right to be.  I never saw if BB produced the track, but judging by the standards normal WWE music produces in the 2020's, I'd guess so.  The other interesting thing is clearly all the bunnies are indie guys or lower card people who don't want to be recognized because they're holding on to the rabbit heads for dear life throughout the performance.  I guess the WWE was too cheap to pay for chinstraps.  

Damien Priest is still in his Archer of Infamy phase so he comes out to his old music.  I'm writing this 9 months in the future from this match, but it is interesting to see how different he is now in his split personality Damien/Priest gimmick.  Bunny, for his part, comes in on a light up tractor trailer that makes me think he said "What if John Cena's entrance had a bigger budget?"

Now the match itself is a testament to how far Miz has come as a performer.  From a guy who cut promos for anyone who'd stand still long enough to a guy who is clearly the ring general for a feature WrestleMania match... that's a damned impressive career arc. He and Morrison clearly walk Bunny through the match, setting up spots, telling a good story, and bumping like crazy for the littler guy.  They do a great job at making him seem like a threat they've clearly overlooked and are damned embarrassed to be apparently losing to.  

Eventually they take over on offense and Bunny for his part is actually great at this.  He's got his basic spots down, he knows when/where to hit his marks, and really builds sympathy for himself.  It speaks to how good he is that the match actually slows down a bit when he finally gets Priest in the ring. 

Once he's in there though, the match is fait accompli, as he rolls through his offense.  And Bad Bunny hits a fucking CODE RED (!) on John Morrison on the outside.  Priest and Miz act like Wile E. Coyote when he watches the Road Runner run through the painted on tunnel.  

They hit a double team top rope crossbody splash, and complete one of the best celebrity rookie matches ever on Mania.   Again, tons and tons of credit go to Miz and Morrison who made Bunny and Priest look like millions of bucks out there.  

It's a damned shame Morrison didn't get more to do during this WWE run, but he's still putting on great matches and won't be hurting for work. 

Next up... the main event for Night one!  

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I ff through nearly all of the BB build to Wrestlemania because I had no idea who he was and didn't really care about a celeb appearing, but that match was so much more fun than I expected. Never listened to the guy's music, but I definitely respected him after that performance even with Miz and Morrison helping him along so much.

9 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Miz and Morrison are out first with a lot of guys in bunny costumes to do their new hit single "Hey Hey Hop Hop", which is way better than it has any right to be.  I never saw if BB produced the track, but judging by the standards normal WWE music produces in the 2020's, I'd guess so. 

Miz and Morrison did weirdly ok with the music and videos they did in 2020-2021.

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7 hours ago, odessasteps said:

It's an interesting juxtaposition, since we just passed the anniversary of K Fed on Raw (and BTS did a good job last week recapping it). 

I’ve always had this thought about that K-Fed deal. It was a weirdly overlooked detail for Cena opponents to never exploit in all the years of promo battles that followed.  Or did I miss it?  
 

Also: Why didn’t anyone (in WWE) call bullshit on Cena swatting Rey Mysterio for the belt the same night he won it in earlier in the show?  Still fucking boo!

 

Edited by Brandon Bones
I’m sorry for yelling.
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What helped reinforce my respect for Bad Bunny was not just how well he did but how much other WWE wrestlers were respecting the hell out of him.  You can tell he gave it his all and it was a huge win all around.  Looking back I think I have that and Bianca/Sasha as my two favorite things about Wrestlemania.  And honestly all things considered everything else wasn't even close.

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