Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown

[Brian Fowler]

Braun was so fucking hot in 2018-19, and they had him come up short in title match after title match, have him an understandable but ineffective heel turn, had to panic turn him back, had him come up short again, waited another 4 months, panic substituted him in because they had no choice, and then finally gave him the belt once nobody cared about him anymore. Bravo.

[BobbyWhioux]

4 hours ago, Brian Fowler said:

Braun was so fucking hot in 2018-19, and they had him come up short in title match after title match, have him an understandable but ineffective heel turn, had to panic turn him back, had him come up short again, waited another 4 months, panic substituted him in because they had no choice, and then finally gave him the belt once nobody cared about him anymore. Bravo.

and just think of all the names over the past few years you could sub in for Braun in that statement.

fuck, they even jerked Roman Reigns around like this a few times and he was their Plan A

[Dolfan in NYC]

So, it's time for the Undertaker.  I'd say the STREAK~ but that was over years ago, and any mysticism surrounding it was killed dead when he had his horrific loss to Roman a few years before that.  Hell, in 2019 he wasn't even on the show!  But as he detailed in his extensive documentary, he was upset that his last real Mania match had gone so badly.  And then when the Goldberg match in front of the Saudi audience went even worse... well, he knew time was ticking. 

AJ Styles is basically as good a worker as they have not named Daniel Bryan. There's a lot to be said that if he'd been brought in back when they were originally evaluating him, he'd probably have had his Taker match years before this.  (Somewhere in that Batista-Punk window, I'd say.)  However, that parallel universe isn't this one, so we've got this match because... I think AJ called him old.  Oh, and he used Taker's real name.  

So, I'll note that I watched this match last Sunday when I was having a couple of friends over (they're in my bubble) for WandaVision and the Superb Owl.  But they came over early, so they got to watch me watch this match as they'd never seen it before.  I'll note they're more casual fans and weren't aware this was a cinematic match because one of them asked "so what is a Boneyard match exactly" and "how do you win?"  

...

You know, there are few times I'm at a loss for words, but yeah.  The most I could muster up was, "um, I guess just watch", because that's what the original experience of the match was anyway.  I know they'd watched the Roman match back in 2017 and were... unimpressed, to say the least.  

As it is, this is the first time this Mania is actually *better* without the audience.  You're essentially watching a movie, which movie blocking, movie editing, and a score.  Oh, and something off Metallica's last "album".  One of my friends said, "I know that sounds like Metallica, but just not a good song.  Maybe it's an old song I just don't know."  When I looked it up on my phone as my pedaling continued, I told him it was off their 2016 album, to which he replied, "Oh, barf." 

Laughing hard when your heart rate is around 125 is... interesting. 

Re-watching this is actually fun, because they've clearly poured a lot of time and energy here.  There are set pieces and these two guys can make their stuff look even better when they're being edited well.  So, yeah, MVP of this match is whichever production assistants they poached from TNA, who make both guys look like a million bucks. 

AJ is trash talking the whole time he's on offense and it's wonderful.  He walks the line between tough sonofabitch and sniveling weasel really well.  His begging for mercy after he's literally dropped Taker in the ground earlier is just delightful.   

Taker is clearly being edited around, since, yes the elephant in the room is that this is his "last match".  (For now.)  But he really does the old tough guy routine very well, and tears through AJ and Gallows and Anderson. Him tossing them off the side of the barn(?) that's in this grave, er, boneyard is also very good.  I'm not even annoyed by the (visible if you're looking for it) crash pad AJ hits when he goes through a wooden pallet on the ground.  Very Friday the 13th Part V moment there. (Spoiler alert!)

So, yeah, Taker's firmly in control when AJ's crawling away begging "Don't bury me" man.  My friend notes, "that's an extremely cute meta joke."  

But sure enough, AJ gets booted into an open grave that just so happens to have a tombstone by it.  Taker literally buries him in dirt to claim "victory."  He then reveals that fortuitously(!) placed tombstone just happens to have AJ's name on it!  Oh ho ho!  

He drives away, and that's it for 'Night 1' of this WrestleMania. And that's it for me.  My friends' reaction was "that was better than it had any right to be."   

I'm inclined to agree.  

End of Day 123. 

[NikoBaltimore]

13 minutes ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Oh, and something off Metallica's last "album".  One of my friends said, "I know that sounds like Metallica, but just not a good song.  Maybe it's an old song I just don't know."  When I looked it up on my phone as my pedaling continued, I told him it was off their 2016 album, to which he replied, "Oh, barf." 

Man, I love you to pieces for the Pokemon reference earlier but then you say this?  I'm not saying it's one of their better songs but "Now that we're dead" is a fine enough tune.  I also say that after seeing them do it live which was pretty damn awesome.  But color surprised if it's still on the Network considering they dub over most songs.

And the Boneyard match is my favorite match of the show by far.  It did a good job representing Callaway, ABA Taker and some old school stuff for good measure.  That is one match I wish I could have seen with friends as I'm sure they would have loved all of that stuff.

[Spontaneous]

I was not a fan of the cinematic matches. They became awful so quickly too. Although I do wonder what monstrosities we dodged in the 90's and 00's, in a time before cinematic matches. Beach Blast in a cinematic match anyone? Hogan vs Vader in the Dungeon of Doom? Dusty booking cinematic matches? Truly a concept for the modern era, where breaking the fourth wall is common place. 

That said, this was better than any match Undertaker would have done before a live audience at this point in time. I can't imagine an empty arena Taker-Styles match doing anyone a favor. AJ is a gump/goober and does well in this.

[NikoBaltimore]

I dunno, watching '93 WCW I would have been amused by Sting and Vader in a strap match at the White Castle of Fear.  I figure if they're willing to cheer Luger right away for his Lex Express stuff (with no explanation at all aside from "He's patriotic, folks!" then surely they'd eat this right up.

[Spontaneous]

Oh, I agree. I just question how out of hand it gets. It would be useful for older wrestlers trying to prolong their career. But I see it's trajectory being the same, after a few months of it the cinematic matches get bad and you just want wrestling. 

[twiztor]

ok, 1995 Hulk Hogan in a cinematic "Dungeon of Doom" match would be the EXACT level of stupid corniness that i would have loved, both then and now.  It's the Hogan-Kevin Sullivan feud ender we never got.

[Brian Fowler]

.... "Now That We're Dead" is one of my two favorite Metallica songs from the 21st century.

[Spontaneous]

I am surprised they didn't do a Hulk Hogan cinematic match last year when ratings were down. I could just have easily seen Hogan vs Miz or someone similar in a cinematic match at SummerSlam or Survivor Series. 

[odessasteps]

Isnt a Cinematic match whar got dutsin and darsow fired?

[Spontaneous]

Russo booking cinematic matches would have been like giving a kid free reign at a candy store. He'd do a ppv with all matches cinematic, but one, because Goldberg and Scott Steiner want to really fight. 

[mattdangerously]

"Marcus, bro, imagine how high we can hang your mom with some creative camera angles."

[Curt McGirt]

Did she really sit atop a pole? I never saw it.

[Dolfan in NYC]

37 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

Did she really sit atop a pole? I never saw it.

She was on a forklift

 

[Curt McGirt]

I remembered Bagwell breaking his neck, I remember Former World Champion David Arquette, and I remembered Kanyon cuttering everyone on the roster but somehow I missed that. 

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 124

Back in 2018, I said on this very board, I wouldn't be surprised if WWE moved to a two day wrestling festival format.  It makes sense.   WrestleMania was pushing 7 hours, and despite being the biggest show of the year, that's a punishing length for even the most hardcore of fans.  It would also have the somewhat convenient side effect (for the WWE) of crushing the indie shows, who have become remora who have clung to the WWE's great white shark.

The pandemic forced the WWE's hand, as Vince clearly wants to have as big a show as possible.  And in a completely unearned reading of the situation, wants to be as magnanimous as possible and get as many of his talent a payday as he can. (not you Rusev  )  So, the WWE took the unprecedented step of putting on WrestleMania across two days to make a 6+ hour show into two 3 hour shows.  Frankly, I appreciated this and if 2021 is any indication, it appears this may be the format for Mania going forward.  

So, Charlotte won the 2020 Royal Rumble in a performance that people proclaimed as "she was there" and "Shayna should have won." The question once she won was which title was she challenging for (and winning).  In a nice surprise, she was attacked by NXT Champion Rhea Ripley. So after Rhea won her match at Takeover: Portland, Charlotte decided she'd challenge for (and win) the NXT Women's title. 

Unfortunately, the initial attack was the only time during this feud that Rhea had the upper hand in this feud.  The build was clearly setting up Rhea to go over, because doing so would do all of the following: a) establish the NXT title as on par, or even above, the Raw/Smackdown belts, b) make Rhea a big star, and c) have Flair develop as a character because the arrogant heel has received a comeuppance.  

So, of course, Charlotte won a 20 minute squash. 

I wish I was kidding.  It was awful re-watching this.  Charlotte came in acting like she was above everything and Rhea came in as a house of fire, determined to take down the arrogant challenger.  But after about 4-5 minutes of initial offense, Rhea makes a mistake and hurts her shoulder.  Once Flair drapes Ripley's arm over the rope and yanks down... that's it for Rhea.  Unfortunately, that happens about 6-7 minutes into a 20 minute match. 

I wish I could write up the match in anything other than this dour way.  But god damn, Ripley gets basically zero offense during the final half of the match.  Nothing she's doing is working, and Flair is lording over her.   It's all but a matter of time before Flair gets the Figure 4 and bridges to make it 8.  Rhea taps meekly and it's over.  

This was somehow worse than I remember.  Rhea still hasn't recovered from this loss (it didn't help that she was off TV for months).  The NXT brand (both sexes) was thoroughly demoted back to minor league status.  And Flair went on to a two month title reign which was filled with disinterest and disdain. 

I know it's ridiculous to expect Charlotte to "do the right thing", as I'm 90% sure she has no input into the booking.  But I honestly did not expect this to be an all out destruction of Ripley that made her out to be a little girl pretending to be an adult. And on top of everything else, the match was awful. The silence of the crowd somehow worked as a death knell to Rhea's career.  

Day 2 of WrestleMania is not off to a great start. 

[Dolfan in NYC]

Bobby Lashley should never ever be a babyface.  The dude is a gigantic freak of muscle and raw aggression and he excels at making people look and feel small.  He does lack a little something every now and again when it comes to promos, but so long as he's a heel, it's usually a very safe bet that he'll make you tons of money.  However... 

He's paired up with Lana who's in kayfabe has divorced the babyface Rusev and joined with Lashley.  Even though Bobby won their feud, Lana has been costing him matches left and right.  She also got him into a match with Aleister Black, which was a problem back in 2020 when people actually took him seriously. 

The match is a bit of a back and forth affair, but I'm noting that Bobby is on offense a lot more than I remember.  But of course, the part that matters is that Bobby has Black dead to rights and is about to powerslam him into oblivion.  Lana screams at him to spear him to finish him off for reasons that are totally unclear.  

So, of course, Aleister kicks Lashley's face off with a Black Mass in the middle of his spear attempt. 

Black wins an elevated Raw match, and the slo-mo replay makes the finish look worse than it did in real time.   

And I'll just make a note, on top of EVERYTHING ELSE that they've done to Black to ruin any momentum he once had, doing the iPhone slo-mo...... into real time replays do Black absolutely zero favors. You can clearly see the thigh slap, where Black pulls up, and the opponent selling the move before any contact happens.  All of wrestling is smoke and mirrors, but it's egregious to be shown where the mirrors and smoke machine are.

(Black needs to go back to NXT.)

End of Day 124. 

[Eivion]

1 hour ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

(Black needs to go back to NXT.)

They don't want him. Honestly, I never cared for Black all that much. He is a guy that would be better off outside of WWE. I assume he is just waiting out his contract at this point.

[J.H.]

I never got Black... I think he's dull and not terribly compelling in the ring, but that's me. I know plenty around here dig him. I just turned 49 on Saturday so maybe I'm becoming a curmudgeon regarding pro-wrestling in general to the point where Jim Cornette might tell me to lighten the fuck up

James

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 125

Bayley and Sasha are interviewed about the upcoming SmackDown Women's title match. Bayley seems confident.  Sasha seems to be cool with Bayley winning. I've always said this storyline - even though they are both heels at this point - needed to have one or both of them whipping Corey Graves' ass, literally.  For years both of them had been enduring Corey's taunts about how they were bound to turn on each other because... hmm... I believe the notes say "bitches be crazy." But them never turning on each other until they actually had a good reason to (losing the Women's Tag Titles), disproved his constant, well-beyond-borderline misogynistic commentary.  Unfortunately, he gets headaches whenever someone bumps him, so... blah.  

Up next is a very... well, I'm not sure if "problematic" is the right word, but "problematic" is definitely on the target.  Otis is a big fat oaf of a character who happens to be strong. Mandy Rose is a conventionally beautiful blonde who "is out of his league..."

Side bar - No one is out of anyone's league.  Everyone is a weirdo.  Everyone is beautiful in their own way.  Everyone is terrible in their own way. If you focus on looks, you'll doom yourself to an unhappy existence because no one will ever meet the standards of the expectation you have. If someone's personality meshes with yours, if someone can stand the thing you hate most about yourself, and if you and they can talk -- and be quiet -- together, you've found someone special.  

Back to this match.  Sonya Deville is an out lesbian character, who has been pining for Mandy. Dolph Ziggler is a fucking dirtbag.  You throw the 4 of those characters together, along with (never revealed Mustafa Ali) revealing Dolph and Sonya double crossing Mandy, and we have a match. 

I was prepared to be totally annoyed by this match, but it's actually surprisingly fine.  It's short and Dolph is bumping his ass off.  I will say, Otis - as a character - does NOT work without a crowd there to reply to his stuff. Like, I know he's been trained to do nothing but play to a crowd, but part of the character work needs to be learning how to deal with changes in your circumstances... in this case, the absence of the crowd.

Anyway, Mandy comes out after Otis gets his balls smashed in by Dolph after Sonya distracted the ref.  She finally officially completes a babyface turn and beats up Sonya.  That gives Otis enough time to return the nutshot favor and delivers a caterpillar for the win. 

After the match, Otis finally gets the girl.  And though this is played for comedy by the insipid commentary, just a reminder, no matter who you are, there's someone out there for you.  Life is weird, but it's better when you have someone to go through it with, especially when they get you.  

That's ultimately the secret.  Find someone who gets you and the rest will work itself out. 

[NikoBaltimore]

1 hour ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Side bar - No one is out of anyone's league.  Everyone is a weirdo.  Everyone is beautiful in their own way.  Everyone is terrible in their own way. If you focus on looks, you'll doom yourself to an unhappy existence because no one will ever meet the standards of the expectation you have. If someone's personality meshes with yours, if someone can stand the thing you hate most about yourself, and if you and they can talk -- and be quiet -- together, you've found someone special.  

That's some good shit right there.  A friend of mine is in that situation and damn if I'm not tempted to respectfully use this to try and help him out.

[Spontaneous]

This match would have been so much better with a crowd. I do wonder if Otis of all people was screwed the most by the lack of crowds in WWE. He had nothing in ring without crowds.

[For Great Justice]

5 hours ago, J.H. said:

I never got Black... I think he's dull and not terribly compelling in the ring, but that's me. I know plenty around here dig him. I just turned 49 on Saturday so maybe I'm becoming a curmudgeon regarding pro-wrestling in general to the point where Jim Cornette might tell me to lighten the fuck up

James

I think there's a good argument that the few month period where NXT went from Gargano-Almas to Almas losing to Black and Gargano-Ciampa starting their multiyear stranglehold on 40 minute main event matches was the apex and beginning of the descent of NXT, with Almas the last champion of peak NXT and Black the first champion of current NXT.

[Eivion]

5 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Bayley and Sasha are interviewed about the upcoming SmackDown Women's title match. Bayley seems confident.  Sasha seems to be cool with Bayley winning. I've always said this storyline - even though they are both heels at this point - needed to have one or both of them whipping Corey Graves' ass, literally.  For years both of them had been enduring Corey's taunts about how they were bound to turn on each other because... hmm... I believe the notes say "bitches be crazy." But them never turning on each other until they actually had a good reason to (losing the Women's Tag Titles), disproved his constant, well-beyond-borderline misogynistic commentary.  Unfortunately, he gets headaches whenever someone bumps him, so... blah. 

Actually it was specifically Sasha Graves would go on about eventually betraying Bayley. He generally liked Bayley for the most part and talked up how she would be better off on her own. Also keep in mind his words are Vince's words. Sasha & Bayley probably like Graves too much personally to want to beat his over stupid shit he has to push for Vince. Of course the inability to beat his ass is also why they never should have pushed it to the degree they did.

5 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Sonya Deville is an out lesbian character, who has been pining for Mandy.

This is inaccurate. Generally they haven't really referenced Sonya being a lesbian on tv. She also wasn't pining for Mandy. She just though Otis was below Mandy's level.