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Gonzo

So, How's It Going?

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4 hours ago, Cliff Hanger said:

Then a friend says something stupid, "I can't imagine what his personal life was like to lead to this" and I'm fucking crying-at-work broken. I've had one session of serious suicidal ideation in my life, with no attempt, and now all I can think is "no one understands" and "what if one day I get there? If my depression ever reaches that point I am as good as dead. Because some of us lose."

My brain goes to the most macabre black humor when this comes up, and I concoct a joke like "Hey be positive, maybe you'll fuck up your attempt?" and I have no idea if that's helpful or even the least bit funny to anyone else.

It is to me cuz 9 years ago when I attempted, I did, and I'm still here. I chose a method that it turns out has a low success rate cuz I wanted a peaceful out, and since that didn't work, the path of least resistance shifted and I ended up putting my life back together.

Best advice I have is just keep a dialogue going with someone you can talk with, whether that's a friend, a family member, or a paid professional, (having all three available is a big help IMO.) Gives you a chance to talk anything out before you do anything.

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3 hours ago, Lamp, broken circa 1988 said:

medical malpractice might kill my adopted sister this week

Jesus Christ, that’s lousy. I’m sorry to hear it.

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Under two bills and at my lowest weight since summer '95. Enjoying my first full week of vacation since '12. Earlier this year work was really insane, leveled out for a month and is about to get insane again. We have been in need of drivers, we find a guy that lasts more than a month and one of our best(if not the best) drivers decides to go back to farming full time. The reefer units on the trucks have been having all sorts of issues. Friday I got cornered by one of the owners as I was getting back from my route and was told I was getting a "significant" raise. That shocked the shit out of me. Considering that you can get your truck stuck under a railroad bridge and not get fired(wasn't me. I promise), then this means either they really think highly of me and value me or they are just hurting for people and don't want any more of us with experience to go elsewhere. I have been at this place for almost four years and I admit that running up and down(okay, more of a walk) a ramp with a loaded cart has contributed to my continued weight loss(as has eating one good meal a day and lots of coffee), but sometimes I get so fucking frustrated with things(either management or the trucks) that I want to look elsewhere, but I realize that nowhere else that I could go would keep me in the shape I am in.

Clothing wise I am in a 36" waist and an XL shirt. I could probably wear a large but the XL helps keep certain things masked. I guess I should be pumped as a mother fucker, but I am not, because it's just another day in the life.

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My boss seems to be on a kick of listening to Bach in his office. So, naturally, I find myself thinking of Bojack Horseman 5 damn times a day.

"If you're such a nerd, who's your favorite Baroque composer?"

*baaaaaaawk*

"Bach? Not Vivaldi? You're insane!"

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