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The Awesome/Annoying TV COMMERCIAL Thread

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I've had no problem with the Wendy's ads up to this point, but this change in direction to songs has been absolute jump the shark stuff.

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I hate that Dairy Queen Blizzard commercial with the soccer announcer. 

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I know smoking is bad for me and I've never even tried a cigarette before. I don't need to see a guy with a hole in his throat telling me about how he smoked and now needs to clean it out every week.

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I'm sick of that commercial with the dude telling his phone to remind him that it's his anniversary. Must be a real special lady.

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I know smoking is bad for me and I've never even tried a cigarette before. I don't need to see a guy with a hole in his throat telling me about how he smoked and now needs to clean it out every week.

 

Commercials from the fucking Truth don't just make me want to start smoking.  I am going to start injecting nicotine directly into my blood stream every day.

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I'm sick of that commercial with the dude telling his phone to remind him that it's his anniversary. Must be a real special lady.

 

Here's my problem with that commercial: The guy is making preparations for his anniversary, which is clearly that day.  Does he really need to be reminded to mention that fact to his wife?  Is he the guy from Memento?

 

I'm surprised piranesi hasn't weighed in on the new Wendy's commercial where she brings a date home to her parents.

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Maybe he was the date.

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Now that you mention it, that's entirely plausible.

 

But that would mean that Piranesi's account is actually a Wendy's viral marketing stu..... Ooooohhhhh shiiiiiitttttt

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mind_blown.gif

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The one thing I love about Charmin commercials commercials is that they use bears as their mascots. Its kinda like a hidden punchline as a joke "Does a bear shit in the woods?" at least that's the way I look at it.

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I <3 Kerri the Sparkle Fairy, and I don't care who knows it.

 

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Another thing I'm sick of: commercials that show families falling apart when the dad is left in charge. You know, there are spaghetti stains all over the walls, laundry everywhere, pizza boxes piled to the ceiling, etc. Do ad agencies really have that low of an opinion on women that they think they just have to tell them "Your family wouldn't be able to dress themselves without you, now buy our brand of paper towels!"?

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Another thing I'm sick of: commercials that show families falling apart when the dad is left in charge. You know, there are spaghetti stains all over the walls, laundry everywhere, etc. Do ad agencies really have that low of an opinion on women that they think they just have to tell them "Your family wouldn't be able to dress themselves without you, now buy our brand of paper towels!"?

 

That's been going on for years and years, it's the "dad's an idiot" formula.  Also prevalent in pretty much every form of media.  When was the last time a dad on a sitcom wasn't a moron who had to be saved by his wife?

 

The Sparkle fairy is a tweaker.

 

RE the Truth commercials.  I read an article in Scientific American a while back about how all these sorts of campaigns are useless and may actually encourage some kids to smoke.  Kids are media savvy now and can tell when they're being fed bullshit.  I do see a lot fewer kids smoking, but it's much more due to the fact that it's not a cool thing anymore and hella expensive rather than an "edgy" ad campaign.

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I'm surprised piranesi hasn't weighed in on the new Wendy's commercial where she brings a date home to her parents.

 

 

 

JESUS FUCK GUYS WENDY"S LADY"S MOM IS CORINNE BOHRER!!!!!!!

 

I [email protected]!!!!! 13year old me and 42 yearold me are fighting over who needs private batrhoom time frist!!!!

 

Also this means Wendys' sLady is Veronic Mars Sister or at least stepsister.

 

Fowler, maybe you need the bathroom key before me?

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Another thing I'm sick of: commercials that show families falling apart when the dad is left in charge. You know, there are spaghetti stains all over the walls, laundry everywhere, pizza boxes piled to the ceiling, etc. Do ad agencies really have that low of an opinion on women that they think they just have to tell them "Your family wouldn't be able to dress themselves without you, now buy our brand of paper towels!"?

 

I am not sure about women in general, but they actually have a high opinion of women at least as far as marketing stereotypes concerning mothers go. 

 

It is the father that is usually depicted as being a complete moron..

 

There was a consumer group that actually sued a group of companies that consistantly had negative portrayals of fathers in commercials.

 

That is why you saw the explosion of super-dad commercials that began around Father's Day.

 

I think my favorite dad = badass commercial that is on television now is this one:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjRj2QWW718

 

This was the only way I could get my daughter to take a nap when she was a toddler.

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Another thing I'm sick of: commercials that show families falling apart when the dad is left in charge. You know, there are spaghetti stains all over the walls, laundry everywhere, pizza boxes piled to the ceiling, etc. Do ad agencies really have that low of an opinion on women that they think they just have to tell them "Your family wouldn't be able to dress themselves without you, now buy our brand of paper towels!"?

 

Long story short: yes.

 

My mom worked in advertising for decades... she loves "Mad Men" because that's what it really was like for her. She has a story about wearing a miniskirt to work one day in the 60s and a friend told her to "watch out for falling pencils." Sure enough, she went into a meeting and the dude next to her dropped a pencil. She was ready for it and no-sold the guy, but still.

 

(No, the story doesn't end with "And that's how I met your father!")

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Since I, and I assume all of you, are still trying to work through our feelings about this whole CORINBNEE BOHEREI IS WENDY"AS LADYS MOMOMMOMOMOMOMFUCKFUCKFUCK thing, I thought it might help all of us to step back in time and see some of Corinne Bohrer's commercial work over the last three decades:

 

Part I:  The early years.  Before Zed even.

 

1983

Adorable.  That is clearly her singing as she hasn't yet begun to figure out how to hide her Texas drawl.  And speaking of Texas, she is also still rocking the deep South Beauty Pageant bouffant.  All of this Texas residue would eventually melt away into the wild unmanageable Rapunzel cascade of hair that morphed her into the universal crush idol of 80s B-movie heaven.

 

This is, of course, from that ancient time when razors only had two blades.  They were actually joyfully singing about these horrifically primitive apparatus.  "Two blades are better than one?"  Well, yes....if you're a fucking Viking.  Thank God we live in a time of adequate bladeage.  I won't even go into a bathroom if there aren't at least five in there somewhere.

 

 

1987

Incredibly racist...but soooooo cute...This was peak Bohrer.

 

Okay.  Oversized Pink sport coat and yellow tie.  Sleeves FUCKING ROLLED UP!! She has synthesized the looks of Laurie Anderson, Jon Cryer, and Michael J. Fox into the perkiest ensemble that has ever existed.  All that's missing is a bowler hat and The Demon Blossom would rise from depths to devour us all.

 

The music...is somehow a mixture of early 80s sitcom synthesizer fluff that is on in the background while Tony Danza makes breakfast and Katherine Helmond is vomiting in the sink AND THE MOST OFFENSIVE PLINKY CHINEE MUSIC SINCE EDDIE CANTOR SANG "CHINESE LAUNDRY BLUES!"

 

But the amazing thing here is that this is a 30 second commercial which features one person simply talking directly to the camera coyly as if she was on a first date with it...about this absurd food-like-stuff in a way that makes the whole thing seem like the funnest most innocent and least corporate thing that ever happened.  They put the entire introduction of this new product into the hands of one actress based on her ability to just sit in front of you and charm the living shit out of you with clumsy, winking adorability.

 

The key to these early years, though, is that she is always single..unattached...accessible.  Bouncing through the world with no obligations.  She is the cute unattached girl of the 80s.

 

Next time:  The middle years...marriage, motherhood, career.

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Last night you all met, or re-met the most adorable 80s not-quite-it-girl-but-always-there-for-you-on-a-late-Saturday-night-on-USA-Network-girl Corinne Bohrer who has been revealed to be The All-Devouring, Mother-Goddess-Font of the WLV (Wendy's Lady-verse for you noncoms).

Between what you saw in the post above and what you'll see at the end of this post came a string of the greatest b-movies and the most awesomely late-80s/early-90s failed sitcoms in the history of high culture.

There was FREE SPIRIT (1989, 14 episodes) which managed to be both high-concept and amazingly derivative, in which she played a suburban witch (high concept) who becomes the live-in housekeeper for a single dad with two precocious kids (amazingly derivative):

Free_Spirit_2.jpgShe's trying so hard, you guys!
What was really historic about this show is that a solid NINE YEARS before Allyson Hannigan was playing a high school sophomore on BUFFY, she was playing a high school freshman in this.

 

I wrote about this for October Horror days last year.
http://deathvalleydriver.com/forum/index.php?/topic/744-october-horrordays/?p=56842


MAN OF THE PEOPLE (1992, 10 episodes) a James Garner vehicle about a small-time con man who becomes, like Mayor or something.
mop12a.jpgSell thatshit to the affiliate rubes at the up-fronts, James!
Kate Mulgrew's face tells us the name of this photo is "Where is his other hand."
 

DOUBLE RUSH (1994, 13 episodes) about snarky BIKE MESSENGERS FUCK YEAH 1994!!! and which also featured young versions of David Arquette, D.L. Hughley, and Adam Goldberg.
19138906_jpg_r_640_600_b_1_D6_D6_D6_f_jpBike Messengers were EXXXTREEEEME MOUNTAIN DEW!
This picture reminds me I need to do a post about Phil Leeds.

 

and PARTNERS (1995, 7 episodes) which was one of the endless parade of shows about "young architects/fashion designers/magazine editors living in the city!!!"

Yeah.  Jon Cryer, of course. Always Jon Cryer.
mqdefault.jpg
Hey, it's Just Shoot The Single Guy in Veronica's closet located somewhere in that city that Caroline is in something something Suddenly Susan!

The results of all of this?  Why disillusionment and codependent anxiety, of course.  And so we pick up the Corinne Bohrer commercial chronicle roughly ten years after we left her giggling up those horribly racist Ancient Chinese Nuggets and see the gradual emergence of a darker, more unsettled and unsettling Bohrer:

1997.



Jesus, do you remember the Long Distance Wars?  Do you remember Paul Reiser?  Dark days.  This was AT&T's desperate answer to John Lithgow's 10-10-321 and Dennis Miller's edgier 10-10-220 which were all the rage among the violent gangs of phone-calling youths of the mid 1990s.  Apparently Paul Reiser is exactly in-between John Lithgow and Dennis Miller.

But do you see it?  Watch her face, listen to her voice as this commercial runs.  She starts off as the old, familiar bubbly 80s girl...but then...she gets real crazy real fast.  She needs stability now after all that failure and she's just now realizing that "monogamous heteronormative marriage" is not going to fill that emptiness or quench that rising tide of anger.  She is going to kill that man she's with once she realizes his version of "forever" isn't the same as her version of "forever." 

NO ONE'S VERSION OF FOREVER IS THE SAME AS HER VERSION OF FOR FUCKING EVER!!!!

1998

In fact, just one year later we see the aftermath.  Husband?...yeah, gone. probably officially "missing."  Meanwhile Paul Reiser somehow manages to be loud with just his face.  Corinne? Alone, fidgety, shielded by layers of clothing (turtleneck, and a high collar coat, and TWO SCARVES...classic defense mechanism).  Disillusioned.  Searching for a new truth.  Feeling a power growing inside of her that will eventually splinter the structure of Time itself.  But trying to deny it. Trying to show the same optimism for her long distance service as she had for those two gillette razors all those promising years ago, but barely containing her desire to just begin smashing that other woman in the face.  As they leave the elevator, I am 60% certain that other woman's body will be found in a laundry machine in a LAW & ORDER cold open.

 

And that, it seems, is where the real story begins.

Caution spoilers ahead...origin story teaser:

Next time: The shocking true origin of Wendy's Lady and possibly Veronica Mars


 

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All boner pill commercials must die.  Every single one features a guy who is a total grey haired schlub or, at the very least, looks like granpa got into the Just for Men stockpile and isn't fooling anyone, who absolutely looks his age, while his "wife" looks like she just strolled off a MILF porn set.

 

Man: kinda chubby, wrinkly, dull, looks around 55-60

Woman: Sela Ward at her milfiest, looking maybe 40ish

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Someone on my Facebook shared this today and this definitely falls under "good Dad" category

 

 

(I don't think you need to speak German to understand it)

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