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On ‎12‎/‎29‎/‎2016 at 8:08 AM, supremebve said:

How is it that all the dudes (I'm assuming they were dudes) who hid porn in the woods turn out to be terrible at hiding porn? 

No one with XX chromosomes is hiding her most personal stuff alongside poison oak and opossums. Girls hid their dollar-store romance novels (complete with the special pages indicated with a butterfly bookmark) and other entertainment in their Caboodles make-up boxes.  Seriously, almost every girl had one of those years ago, even if they didn't wear makeup.

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23 hours ago, Mike Zeidler said:

Woods porn was mainly seeded (*ahem*) by teens/pre-teens who didn't feel safe stashing their stuff at home, or had stolen it from an elder sibling.

Spoiler for chronic overshare:


Whilst I'm not saying there's a good way to find out your older Brother is both a) Homosexual and b) Into BDSM, there are probably worse ways than the way I found out.


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That reminds me, I should ask a friend of mine how he found out his brother (also my friend) was a gay Furry. As they came from a Catholic household (the non-furry one is somewhat of a Satanist now) I'm sure the story is interesting. 

EDIT: By the way we should probably preemptively stop this change in narrative before Rippa gets involved haha. So... what's on TV tonight?

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Well yeah, but there's only one day left in the year. . . . . :)

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17 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:


EDIT: By the way we should probably preemptively stop this change in narrative before Rippa gets involved haha. So... what's on TV tonight?

Steven Wright's 2nd (I think) appearance on the Johnny Carson show is currently on Antenna TV.

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1 hour ago, zev said:

Steven Wright's 2nd (I think) appearance on the Johnny Carson show is currently on Antenna TV.

I'm a few days behind on these but here's the report from the Carrie Fisher/Garry Shandling episode they ran the other night:



This is a tough one, especially now after Debbie Reynolds' death.  Tonight they run an episode from JULY 29, 1983 featuring BOTH Carrie Fisher and Garry Shandling...BOTH taken by this shitstain of a year.

So to get the tears out of the way here they are together.


It's a TMZ link so bleh...but it shows them chatting.

Now to maybe cheer you up a bit: Carson asks her what was the worst picture she ever made and she answered "in terms of the experience of making it, I didn't enjoy making UNDER THE RAINBOW." and then laughed what one might call "a knowing laugh" that Carson seemed to understand.

I wonder what they could be talking about?

Oh yeeeeeeah.  Chevy Chase is a cunt!


Now on to the monolog and a series of increasingly obscure references for you, the elderly, to grin at while your applesauce cup gets warm.

- A reference to Fotomat clerks were bored teenagers who worked in these:

Back in the days before iphones and all that, and even before those cheap disposable plastic cameras you dropped off at Walmart, and back even before big film developing machines were cheap and small enough to stick behind a counter at a Walmart, and even those before 'Instant' cameras that are now being sold again at Urban outfitters...Back, in other words, when you pulled one of these out of your pocket


to get those amazing Christmas pictures:

cameras actually had rolls of film that you took out and dropped off at one of these from where they were sent off to a lab overnight and then delivered back to this thing for you to pick up from this nice lady:


For awhile, from the early 70s to the mid 80s they seemed to be everywhere.  And then, or course, they were made obsolete by all that stuff what I mentioned up above.  While most were eventually ripped out to yield two more valuable parking spots close to the new Panera bread, a few have been repurposed in novel ways:



Others have become sad relics of a more innocent age:

Reisterstown-Shopping-Center-site-11989- OOOF that hurts.


Some succumbing only after brave attempts to rehabilitate them into productive members of the New Flesh society:



- A reference to California being a disaster area in 1983

There were three fairly rare Southern California events in rapid succession that were each classified as disasters:

1) Four large coastal winter storms hit Southern California within 10 days in January, 1983, including washing out the famous Long Beach Pier

2) A few weeks later on March 1, Los Angeles was hit with an F2 tornado.

  The next time a tornado would touch down in Los Angeles would be exactly 31 years later on March 1, 2014.  For many it seemed a trite nostalgic event given the appearance the previous year of several Sharknados.

3) And that was followed on May 2, 1983 by the Coalinga earthquake, a magnitude 6.2 which I will illustrate with this video depicting the clash between a vintage 1983 SoCal cop mustache and an authentic 1983 t.v. correspondent mustache, an epic duel that in this case appears to end in a tense standoff.  Both will live to project authority through the entirety of the "pre-ironic era" of facial hair:

But there's like earthquake damage and stuff in the background SO IT COUNTS! And, yeah, it felt like the world was ending in SoCal in 1983.


- A reference to Charles Kuralt: Even in 1983 this was a reference that only a very very old person would chuckle at.  Charles Kuralt had hosted a low-energy, easy going travelog called "On the Road" since 1967.  It appeared variously as segments on the evening news or as a standalone show on Sunday morning when, thank Christ the grandkids were at church and the damn house is QUIET FOR A MINUTE.

Kuralt, a terrifyingly harmless old coot with an amazing voice that sounds like an animated cigar choking on a glob of cheese, drove around in an R.V. never getting on the the highways but only sticking to backroads looking for adorable American slice-of-life stories...which means fantastic cranks and weirdos.

If that's not exciting enough, he would do entire segments sitting down thumbing through old postcards:

Yes...this is like pure heroin to the elderly.  Kuralt basically kept doing this same kind of thing, providing a tiny bit of sustenance to people whose arteries can only squeeze through one blood cell at a time until 1995 when he was murdered by the sentient World Wide Web for being "fucking gay and folksy, bro!" After his death it was revealed that he had a secret second family because nothing is innocent in this goddamn world.  Not even Charles Kuralt.

- A reference to George Brett and hemorrhoids.  Yes, 1983 was the summer of the Pine Tar bat incident.  

In fact, it was just a few days before this episode of Carson aired, so I know for a fact that I watched this episode of Carson at my Grandma and Grandpas house in East St. Louis 'cause that's where I saw that on the t.v..  Eventually it would be decided by the League Commissioner in the Royals favor but at the time this aired it seemed Billy Martin and the Yankees had won and George Brett would be in a perpetual state of meltdown until his heart exploded.

But, of course, for Carson this was just an excuse to remind us all that before George Brett was "the pine tar guy" he was "the hemorrhoids guy" because in 1980, MVP George Brett was forced to leave Game 2 of the World Series game due to (snicker, snicker) hemorroid (hee hee) pain. (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAASSSTUFF!!!!).  He would have to ahve immediate minor surgery and was able to return for the rest of the BWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BOOTIESANDPOO!!!!!" series.

FF to 1:48 to see Brett lose his...heh heh shit HAHAHHAHAHHAH BUTTS!!


- A reference to John Block living on $50/week.  Man this is obscure.  It is a reference to then secretary of Agriculture John Block's attempts to justify Ronald Reagan's plan to cut food stamps by proving that a family of four could eat just fine on $50 per week. The cuts were part of a drive led by Jessie Helms who took the house floor to claim that people were using food stamps to buy luxury products like Perrier and caviar and that an entire underclass was living large on YOUR TAX DOLLARS.

After trying to make it work for a week, Block sounded...slightly less enthusiastic but still loyal to his president's policy:


I don't know the details, but with a little adjustment in how they handle it, they're going to get an adequate amount of food. It may not work out as good as it did before, even though before it was inadequate. It's going to be more inadequate now, but yet it still can be worked out.


- A reference to Jimmy Carter's briefing papers.  This refers to the revelation in June 1983 that while prepping Ronald Reagan for the one and only presidential debate in 1980, aids Jim Baker, David Stockman, and David Gergen had obtained the briefing papers from the Carter campaign. In 1983 the U.S. House if Representatives launched an investigation leading to a 2400 page report read by precisely 0 people and figured out precisely nothing as Reagan prepared to glide to a massive re-election landslide the following year.

 As to who stole the papers a number have been implicated over th eyears including eventual CIA director William Casey, columnist George Will, and the chair of Ted Kennedy's failed primary campaign.
 So it was one of these three old white guys.  

 And we will get right back on figuring which one it was as soon as we can find ANYBODY WHO CAN TELL THESE THREE ASSHOLES APART!!!!!


Bonus Fotomat trivia:



2 Fun Fotomat facts:

1) The name Fotomat was designed to capitalize on an even older tech., the "Automat"


pre-fast-food era machine-based dining area that could be found throughout Europe and America going back as far as the 1890s.

The biggest ones, run by Horn & Hardart in the U.S. were essentially entire restaurants with wide-ranging menus but with no tables.  You put coins in the slot of what you wanted while the food was being fed into the dispenser by a full-service kitchen behind the Automat.

There are still versions of this in a few places but I don't think the "Automat" name has survived.

2) Did you know that Fotomat was the first company to rent video cassettes?  Starting in 1979, in an effort to expand and capitalize on their wide visibility and delivery infrastructure, they began allowing people to drive up and choose from a menu of recent films.  You would "order" the movie one day and then come back and pick it up the next day.  You had five days to return it at a cost of $12 per moie $12 in 1979 is apparently like $40 today.  You can perhaps imagine why this didn't take off.


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I was born in 1983 and apparently politically, absolutely nothing -- NOTHING -- seems to have changed since then. Also, I remember Charles Kuralt. That shit would put any kid awake at 6 AM on a Sunday morning back to sleep. 

Motorhead's last ever DVD, Clean Your Clock is on AXS TV right now. They keep having breaks, guitar solos, drum solos. They played "Orgasmatron" and Lem looked like the ghost preacher from Poltergeist under the green lights. Then they played "Dr. Rock" with a drum solo and dedicated it to Phil Taylor, "who died last month". 

My eyes hurt.

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Automate are making a comeback thanks to the terrible labor conditions in the US.

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The January 2, 1986 episode of Johnnie Carson was nuts.  It's too much.  Because it's the new year, first show of 1986 they do a whole bit about the junk of 1985...There's too much....

So I'm going to limit myself to the things that have the greatest historical significance for human culture...so, of course we begin with Merlin Olsen.

- A reference to Merlin Olsen and the FTD love bouquet

This refers to one of the oddest successful ad campaigns of the 1980s.  Across nearly the entire decade Merlin Olsen appeared as the soft-voiced meek-mannered spokesman for FTD flowers just as the idea of dialing up a bouquet of flowers because you forfuckingot her damn birthday was becoming a normal part of life.

What's odd is that Merlin Olsen was one of the great defensive linemen of all time and one of the Fearsome Foursome of the old L.A. Rams. He was terrifying.

 Merlin Olson was a mountain with teeth. He was a tank that shoots Orcas and the Orcas are peeing acid and the acid contains flesh-eating nanobots.
 If you were dumb enough to play football during his career you have his DNA embedded in some part of your body where it likely only shows up on an MRI.
And then somehow this was Merlin Olson:


I think the logic is that the real customers here, for flower delivery services that is, are lazy-ass dudes...and that lazy-ass dudes will feel more comfortable trusting their feelings to the powerful embrace of a large, bearded linemen who can gently guide them toward how to pretend to care about they bish.

But it also capitalized on his t.v. appearances in gauzy aw-shucks feel-safe Michael Landon-y family shows like LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE and FATHER MURPHY

He truly was a gentle giant.  I mean when he was being paid to pretend to be a gentle giant.  Not when he was being paid to pick up 240 pound men and dig their graves for them using their own faces as shovels.

Now onto the inevitable "this suddenly seems relevant again what the fuck have we done" cold war references.

- A reference to Ronald Reagan's first direct address to the soviet people.
- A reference to Phil Donahue's "space bridge" to the soviet union
In late 1986/early 1987 we were just beginning a critical phase in Glasnost, the "opening up" of the Soeeit Union to outside influence and some market activity due in part to a new generation of Soviet leaders who had both 1) a need to deal with a collapsing economy and 2) not quite the stomach to do what is needed to keep an entire population shut off from the world anymore

Looking back it was the beginning of the end-phase of the Soviet empire (at least until they used reddit to conquer the United States and take over the entire globe in November, 2016 HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH WER"EFUCKED.COM!!!!!).

Now this is all too big and serious and historical for my bullshit posts but it is worth remembering two little blips along the process.

1) New Years day 1985/86 Ronald Reagan and Michail Gorbachev exchanged pre-taped radio addresses to be played for the populations of the other guy's country. The gimmick that made this important is that they agreed to allow the braodcasts to be unedited which meant that it was the first time these two could speak to the people of the other side unfiltered and uncensored. In the end the speeches were pretty dull and are utterly lost in the face of Reagan's visit to Berlin and the "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" speech five months later.  But at the time it was a pretty big deal.

If you are at all that much of a nerd, here is what Reagan said to the Russians and I mean all of them because like every single person in the USSR was listening:



Good evening. This is Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America.

I'm pleased to speak to you on the occasion of the New Year. This is a time for reflection and for hope. As we look back on the year just concluded and on the year that is to come, I want to share with you my hopes for the New Year, hopes for peace, prosperity, and good will that the American and Soviet people share.

Just over a month ago, General Secretary Gorbachev and I met for the first time in Geneva. Our purpose was to begin a fresh chapter in the relations between our two countries and to try to reduce the suspicions and mistrust between us. I think we made a good beginning. Mr. Gorbachev and I spent many hours together, speaking frankly and seriously about the most important issues of our time: reducing the massive nuclear arsenals on both sides, resolving regional conflicts, ensuring respect for human rights as guaranteed under international agreements, and other questions of mutual interest. As the elected representative of the American people, I told Mr. Gorbachev of our deep desire for peace and that the American people do not wish the Soviet people any harm.

While there were many areas which we did not agree, which was to be expected, we left Geneva with a better understanding of one another and of the goals we each have. We are determined to build on that understanding in the coming months and years. One of the most important things on which we agreed was the need to reduce the massive nuclear arsenals on both sides. As I have said many times, a nuclear war cannot be won and must never be fought; therefore, we agreed to accelerate negotiations where there is common ground to reduce and eventually eliminate the means of nuclear destruction.

Our negotiators will soon be returning to the Geneva talks on nuclear and space arms, where Mr. Gorbachev and I agreed we will seek agreements on the principle of 50-percent reductions in offensive nuclear arms and an interim agreement on intermediate-range nuclear systems. And it's my hope that one day we will be able to eliminate these weapons altogether and rely increasingly for our security on defense systems that threaten no one. Both the United States and Soviet Union are doing research on the possibilities of applying new technologies to the cause of defense. If these technologies become a reality, it is my dream that, well, to one day free us all from the threat of nuclear destruction.

One of the best ways to build mutual understanding is to allow the American and Soviet peoples to get to know one another better. In Geneva we signed a new agreement to exchange our most accomplished artists and academics. We also agreed to expand the contacts between our peoples so that students, teachers, and young people can get to know each other directly. If people in both countries can visit, study, and work together, then we will strengthen the bonds of understanding and build a true foundation for lasting peace.

I also discussed the American people's strong interest in humanitarian issues. Our democratic system is founded on the belief in the sanctity of human life and the rights of the individual -- rights such as freedom of speech, of assembly of movement, and of worship. It is a sacred truth to us that every individual is a unique creation of God, with his or her own special talents, abilities, hopes, and dreams. Respect for all people is essential to peace, and as we agreed in Geneva, progress in resolving humanitarian issues in a spirit of cooperation would go a long way to making 1986 a better year for all of us.

A safe and lasting peace also requires finding peaceful settlements to armed conflicts, which cause so much human suffering in many parts of the world. I have proposed several concrete steps to help resolve such conflicts. It is my hope that in 1986 we will make progress toward this end. I see a busy year ahead in building on the foundations laid in Geneva. There is much work to be done. Mr. Gorbachev will visit the United States later this year, and I look forward to showing him our country. In 1987 I plan to visit your country and hope to meet many of you.

On behalf of the American people, I wish you all a happy and healthy New Year. Let's work together to make it a year of peace; there is no better goal for 1986 or for any year. Let us look forward to a future of chistoye nyebo [blue skies] for all mankind. Thank you, spasibo.

And here is Gorbacehv's address to your parents who were not listening because they were probably listening to Casey Kasem spin Foreigner instead...I mean the word "foreigner" is kind of related to world affairs, right?



Dear Americans:

I see a good augury in the way we are beginning the New Year, which has been declared the Year of Peace. We are starting it with an exchange of direct messages, President Reagan's to the Soviet people and mine to you. This, I believe, is a hopeful sign of change which, though small, is nonetheless a change for the better in our relations. The few minutes that I will be speaking to you strike me as a meaningful symbol of our mutual willingness to go on moving toward each other, which is what your President and I began doing at Geneva. For a discussion along those lines, we had the mandate of our peoples. They want the constructive Soviet-American dialog to continue uninterrupted and to yield tangible results.

As I face you today, I want to say that Soviet people are dedicated to peace, that supreme value equal to the gift of life. We cherish the idea of peace, having suffered for it. Together with the pain of unhealing wounds and the agony of irretrievable losses, it has become part and parcel of our flesh and blood. In our country there is not a single family or a single home that has not kept alive the memory of their kith and kin who perished in the flames of war, the war in which the Soviet and American peoples were allies and fought side by side.

I say this because our common quest for peace has its roots in the past, and that means we have a historic record of cooperation which can today inspire our joint efforts for the sake of the future. The many letters I have received from you and my conversations with your fellow countrymen -- Senators, Congressmen, scientists, businessmen, and statesmen -- have convinced me that in the United States, too, people realize that our two nations should never be at war, that a collision between them would be the greatest of tragedies.

It is a reality of today's world that it is senseless to seek greater security for oneself through new types of weapons. At present, every new step in the arms race increases the danger and the risk for both sides and for all humankind. It is the forceful and compelling demand of life itself that we should follow the path of cutting back nuclear arsenals and keeping outer space peaceful. This is what we are negotiating about at Geneva, and we would very much like those talks to be successful this year.

In our efforts for peace, we should be guided by an awareness of the fact that today history has willed our two nations to bear an enormous responsibility to the peoples of our two countries and, indeed, the peoples of all countries for preserving life on Earth. Our duty to all human kind is to offer it a safe prospect of peace, a prospect of entering the third millenium without fear. Let us commit ourselves to doing away with the threat hanging over humanity. Let us not shift that task onto our children's shoulders.

We can hardly succeed in attaining that goal unless we begin saving up, bit by bit, the most precious capital there is: trust among nations and peoples. And it is absolutely essential to start mending the existing deficit of trust in Soviet-American relations. I believe that one of the main results of my meeting with President Reagan is that, as leaders and as human beings, we were able to take the first step towards overcoming mistrust and to activate the factor of confidence. The gap dividing us is still wide, to bridge it will not be easy, but we saw in Geneva that it can be done. Bridging that gap would be a great feat, a feat our people are ready to perform for the sake of world peace.

I am reminded of the title of a remarkable work of American literature, the novel ``The Winter of Our Discontent.'' In that phrase let me just substitute hope for discontent. And may not only this winter but every season of this year and of the years to come be full of hope for a better future, a hope that, together, we can turn into reality. I can assure you that we shall spare no effort in working for that. For the Soviet people, the year 1986 marks the beginning of a new stage in carrying out our constructive plans. Those are peaceful plans. We have made them known to the whole world.

I wish you a happy New Year. To every American family I wish good health, peace, and happiness.

Much more interesting though was the 2nd bit of trivia....the SPACE BRIDGE!!!!

This one I can show you in entirety:

Phil Donahue was basically the shit all through the 70s and the 80s.  Before Oprah and before the trash talkers of the late 80s, Phil's chat show was the main "issues" show that your mom and gramma would watch everyday.  It was all very serious and the modern world needed a place for people to voice their fears about...well...stuff....

Vegetarianism among young celebrities




Peter Criss impersonators


you know...issues and stuff!
And of course that one thing that Dave Meltzer will never shut up about:


So in 1985 Donahue and Vladimir Pozner, an French-born, American-raised Russian "journalist" began a series of joint satellite broadcasts in which an American and Soviet audience would confront and question each other moderated by the two of them.

It was moderately successful in the U.S. with a high audience of about 8 million and shockingly wildly viewed in the USSR by something like 180 million people...TAKE THAT M.A.S.H. FINALE!!! IN RUSSIA NIELSON BOX WATCHES YOU!!!!!

This, by the way, was all sponsored somehow by Steve Wozniak.  

And on the other end of the 80s talk show spectrum:

A reference to Wally George: Before Geraldo and Springer.  Before even Morton Downey Jr. was Wally George. Starting in 1983 he was the host of the original "GOD GUNS AND GUTS MADE AMERICA BLARGLR BLARGLE" right wing trash scream-t.v.  His show, HOT SEAT aired on Channel 56 in L.A. late on Saturday nights.  and even before the internet became something of a viral sensation just from people circulating tapes of the show.

The basic formula was to invite either someone outrageous (El Duce of the Mentors and even GWAR made early appearances on HOT SEAT) or invite some liberal commie scum who wants free lunches for minority kids or some PINKO SHIT LIKE TAHT and have his audience of pre-twitter troglodytes scream at them to "LOVE IT ER LEAVE IT!!!!"


It was sleazy carny shit at both its most endearing and its most disgusting all at once somehow and, looking back it somehow also seems hugely significant as a first sign of a turning point in the general concept of "public discourse."  Some day, when historians are parsing through the rubble of the Second War of Mara Laga, this will be a footnote in the prologue.

A lot of Cali-based wrestlers and wannabe wrestlers appeared to since the show was basically booked like a Memphis wrestling show.  And so this is what happens when two master grifters decide to work a crowd that doesn't realize they're at a wrestling show (FF to 5:30 for the pull-apart):


If anyone still thinks Trump is a mystery...these are your parents...



so that's kind of a thing to deal with.

- A reference to the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh being deported



One of the more bizarre stories of the early 80s that most people probably don't remember at all unless they lived in Oregon and it caused them to poop a lot.

Rajneesh was an Indian mystic who had come to fame in the late 60s, attracting a large following of Indian followers with a mixture of "raise your consciousness, free love" liberal type stuff and at the same time a capitalistic push for modernization for India and a kind of technology worship. A weird combination of meditation cult and modernity mores that could only have thrived in the 1970s.

The Rashneeshies stand in line to wave to Bhagwan.

Mostly what he wanted to watch people have sex...and that he did...a lot. He eventually founded an Ashram that was a massive and semi-independent compound that was famous the world over for its strange atmosphere and experimental ways.

The trouble began in 1981 when he relocated the whole thing to Oregon.  

At first an uneasy peace existed between the huge new compound and the folksy Oregonian folk. But it was so large it soon sought to incorporate as its own city and clashed with county and state regulations and neighbors.



Then, in 1984...Oh man...It was an election year and in the grand tradition of American religious weirdness the Rajneeshies decided to vote their way to power so they could make whatever damn regulations they want.  But though their numbers were large it was an uphill struggle and their candidates for local office were trailing badly...

So they decided...


to launch a bio-terror attack. A logical net step some might say that has been attempted successfully elsewhere:


They began by poisoning two county officials who visited the compound, lacing their water with Salmonella.  Then they spread Salmonella on doorknobs and in grocery stores...and finally they dumped a bunch into the salad bars at a bunch of restaurants.  The logic seemed to be that if they could make enough people sick on election day they would be the only ones around to vote.


The end result was 750 people getting sick, 45 people being hospitalized, and a group of Rajneesh's followers being arrested for what was called "the 1st bio-terror attack in U.S. history"



I don't that Bagwan himself was implicated but as part of a large plea bargain he pled guilty and was givena  10 year suspended sentence if he was willing to leave the goddamn country and never come goddamn back again.




- A reference to Howard Cosell's book trashing everyone -
A few months before in 1985 was when Howard Cosell's book "I Never Played the Game" came out.  Cosell the brilliant and acerbic sportscaster who had defined the 1970s was almost immediately suspended by ABC because his book trashed what he called the "Jockocracy" in which dumb meatheaded former players were shoved into broadcast booths ahead of more thoughtful and skillful broadcasters, including his current Monday Night Football partners Frank Gifford and Don Meredith.

And if you think this is all too trivial to even bring up in a post like because who  cares it happened forever ago to some dummy...well, if you're a baseball fan it matters because, in part just to rub the "jockocracy" in Cosell's face, when ABC fired him just before the 1985 world series, they replaced him with



Tim McCarver...

the very definition of a dumb meathead who should never have been in the booth...and we didn't get him out of there for 30 FUCKING YEARASSS!!!!!



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1. Merlin Olsen was also, iirc, the number 1 color analyst for NBC's AFC package, with Dick Enberg as his pxp partner. 


2. Wally George's daughter is Rebecca De Mornay. 

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Just now, odessasteps said:



2. Wally George's daughter is Rebecca De Mornay. 

My learning this is the final tragedy of 2016. 

Also THE FICK?????????

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