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Brian Fowler

Halloween Havoc VII!!!!!!!!!

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3 hours ago, Curt McGirt said:

The Dark Half, Creepshow (which I hope to watch on the big screen Saturday night), and the sadly ignored Knightriders are also all fine non-zombie Romero pics.

Bruiser is also a fairly decent George Romero non-zombie movie.

I see why you omitted The Crazies because it really is kind sorta another zombie movie.

I also really like the ambiguity of Martin.

I really wanted to like Possession the first time I watched it, but there was a shitload of stuff to pay attention to.

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All this Romero talk only reminds me that I have still yet to fit in the sublimely sleazy late eighties Night of the Living Dead ripoff George Hinzman did; Flesheater. It's become a staple when I can actually remember to watch the damned thing.

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Flesheater is great when you're 12 and you really want to see some gore and tits in a movie you've looked at on the shelves for years and never thought to rent. Flesheater isn't that when you buy it on DVD years later and realize what a load of crap it is otherwise. Then again I just picked Burial Ground for October Movie Night last week so who am I to judge?

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I have a 3-movie pack of Burial Ground, Flesheater, and I think Zombie Holocaust packed away somewhere.  I've only watched Burial Ground, but it's a blast to watch after a few glasses of boxed wine.

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The demons are free, the evil is loose, and we slouch ever closer to All Hallows Eve!

Film: Angel Heart

Chosen by: Lacelle (for the second straight year)

Reviewed by: Executive Producer

I was definitely disappointed to get Angel Heart as my pick. I had hoped to get something outside of my wheelhouse that would push me to examine my tastes as a film lover and ,specifically, deal with some of the many dark corners of the Horror genre that I have never had any interest in investigating. Oh well, maybe next year. I had seen Angel Heart when it came out but had never re-visited it, so at least this would be an excuse to once again see Lisa Bonet in all of her glory.
 

        Angel Heart is the story of a rumpled private dick named Harry Angel who is hired by a suave motherfucker named Mr.Cyphre to track down one Johnny Favorite, a WWII-era crooner that owes Cyphre an unspecified debt. Favorite is supposedly residing in a mental hospital after suffering from shell-shock, but Cyphre is suspicious that things are not as they seem and wants Angel to investigate.  Angel soon learns that Favorite was spirited away from the hospital many years ago by persons unknown and covered up by a drug-addicted doctor, paid off to falsify status reports.  As Harry's investigation takes him from New York to New Orleans, the bodies begin piling up in ways pretty gruesome for a 1987 mainstream Hollywood film.
         Angel Heart was known for two things when it was released. One was the pairing of Mickey Rourke and Robert De Niro, with the idea that this would give Rourke the rub and propel him to greatness. While he would indeed be great in his very next film, Barfly, he would soon go into a personal and professional tailspin that would leave fans wondering about what could have been. Meanwhile, this would serve as the debut of Bobby Milk, Movie Star!!!! with The Untouchables and Midnight Run right around the corner. Both are very good in this, but you definitely get the impression that De Niro is coasting while collecting a fat check.
         The other thing it was known for is that sex scene. Controversial at the time (mostly for Bonet's participation) it doesn't hold up very well as erotica. Probably due to the blood, the way the scene is cut like a music video and the violence of the final seconds. If you wish to be moved in that special way, you'll find the scene of Bonet's Epiphany Proudfoot washing her hair far more rewarding.
       Angel Heart is certainly stylish as hell. Lots of motifs running through it: fans, blood, elevators patiently waiting, poultry. And mirrors. Unfortunately, mirrors, used way too often, and hearing Mr. Cyphre's full name 10 minutes into the film, pretty much give away the Big Twist long before you get to it. It also has some muddled racial politics going on. We get scenes showing that Harry Angel might be pretty advanced for 1955...until it's time to make like Mike Hammer and beat up an old black man. It also links Voodoo to devil worship and dark magic. And nearly every black character in the film, from Harlem to New Orleans is involved in the occult. I would rather go back to I Walked with a Zombie or Live and Let Die before seeing this a third time.
 

      Angel Heart is highly watchable but hardly essential. 

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I got one other review in today as well. Still two out pending

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Angel Heart hasn't aged well for me, but I remember thinking it was tremendous when I first saw it in theaters.  It is so visceral and unapologetic.

The only real problem I had with Angel Heart is that Alan Parker takes such pains to keep the movie's big reveal a secret that it completely destroys the pacing.... and if you've ever watched any Twilight Zone or read any O. Henry in your life, you will probably figure out what's going on long before the ending hits anyway.

Angel Heart doesn't quite pull the trigger on the nasty Oldboy reveal, but it comes close.

Spoiler

In the epic conclusion, Dae Su finds out that his current lover is actually his daughter and Dae Su cuts off his own tongue and has himself hypnotized so that she will never find out the truth of their relationship.

In Angel Heart, Harry Angel is arrested for the rape and murder of Epiphany Proudfoot and he finds out from Louis Cyphre (Lucifer) that Epiphany is the daughter of Johnny Favorite, the man he's been looking for and now shares a soul with. 

Technically, Harry does not have sex with his daughter from a biological standpoint, but the soul of Epiphany's father does co-habit Angel's body with Harry.

The more I think of it, the more I see the shared traits in both movies (mistaken identity, lost memory, weird familial issues) minus the supernatural elements not found in Oldboy.

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6 minutes ago, J.T. said:
  Reveal hidden contents

In the epic conclusion, Dae Su finds out that his current lover is actually his daughter and Dae Su cuts off his own tongue and has himself hypnotized so that she will never find out the truth of their relationship.

In Angel Heart, Harry Angel is arrested for the rape and murder of Epiphany Proudfoot and he finds out from Louis Cyphre (Lucifer) that Epiphany is the daughter of Johnny Favorite, the man he's been looking for and now shares a soul with. 

Technically, Harry does not have sex with his daughter from a biological standpoint, but the soul of Epiphany's father does co-habit Angel's body with Harry.

You've got that backwards.

Spoiler

It's Johnny Favorites body. He's assumed Harry Angel's identity.

 

 

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Bah.  Just figured out I had that turned about. :(

EDIT:  Execproducer figured it out, too.

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I've never seen Angel Heart bell-to-bell, but in bits and pieces, so missing chunks of it made watching the end a surprise to me. I think that 

Spoiler

the elevator endlessly descending is a pretty blatant but also pretty apt metaphor for Hell. Dig how Parker just lets that drag all the way through the end credits. 

Methinks the MPAA censors got mad that they got turned on by Lisa Bonet (I can hear their internal dialogue right now. "She's so young... and so... black!") so they threw the book at the film. 

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Just to let you guys know, I'm down to two reviews left, so I'm just saving them for the holiday.

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E5150!!!!! EVIL!!!!! ALL HALLOWS EVE!

Film: The Last Train to Bush

Chosen by: Lawful Metal

Its almost like a prequel to the movie version of WWZ while also in the spirit of WWZ the book. 

It's  also Snowpiercer with zombies, complete with class struggles.

Reviewed by: Skeeball Wizard

Train to Busan (2016)

The film I drew was the Korean zombie thriller Train to Busan. Zombies top the list of "favorite horror movie antagonists" for me, so I've seen em all, from the very good to the stunningly awful. This one lands on the upper part of the positive spectrum for me.

It starts out with meeting our principal characters, Seok-woo, a workaholic fund manager and Su-an, his daughter. His work is more important to him than family, something he recognizes and attempts to rectify by taking his daughter to see her mother in Busan, by way of light rail train. It's definitely a slow starter, I found myself mostly bored by the first third of the movie. But by the time it gets going, it's barreling full speed ahead. 

We meet the other players on the train itself, including a tough guy would be father and his pregnant wife, a pair of elderly women, the greedy, selfish COO of the train and a teenage baseball team. As the doors close, an infected woman jumps on the train at the last second, far along in her transformation to zombie. Then all hell breaks loose. These are zombies of the fast moving variety, which in concept I don't like but the execution is well done. It gets really bloody and violent, I would compare it to Snowpiercer, and in a favorable way. A stop at what is supposed to be a safe station turns out to be anything but, and a mad dash back to the train ensues. 

Some of the characters make it, some don't, and some won't last much longer. The trip to a confirmed safe station sees more of the characters meet their demise, until finally arriving at the station. The last of the group makes it to a dark tunnel with the military waiting on the other end, with the soldiers unable to tell if the survivors are infected or not.

There is great attention to character arcs here, all of which play out to a satisfying, but bittersweet, conclusion. This is a familiar story but I found myself actively rooting for certain characters and against others. That emotional investment alone is worth a recommendation. 

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Damn.  I've been meaning to check that out for a while now.  I go TDY to S Korea in a couple of weeks so hopefully I will be able to track it down.

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Oooh, that one might leave a stain or two muwahaha

Film: It Follows

Chosen by: The Unholy Dragon

It Follows, because it was one of my favourite horror flicks of the last few years and at least for Canadians, it's on Netflix.

Reviewed by: Lawful Metal

It Follows.

What hasn’t already been said about this film?  I really liked it the first time I saw it.  A good horror movie is not about the jump scares, or the gotcha moments.  The dread is what makes it.  It makes you squirm when there’s nothing scary on the screen.  And this movie deals with dread.  Case in point, the scene at the school where the camera pans around 360 and we see a female student slowly walking towards the camera in an incongruent fashion, walking on the grass when there’s a sidewalk not too far away.  Is it It?  Probably.  But we get nothing more than an inference, just a feeling of dread. 

I don’t get too excited about the allegorical theories.  It is an allegory for STDs.  For anxiety about adulthood.  For sex.  For death.  I think it was made intending to be open-ended.  We project what we want to on the screen. 

What’s actually on the screen is the actual It.  So, what is it?  It’s It.  What is It?

Here’s what I can gather.  It is a demon of some sort.  It benefits from fear, not killing. 

That’s why it walks, not runs.  That’s why it takes different forms, to freak its victims out even more.  Plus, the more the victims pass on the curse, the more fear it gets, because it will be able to still freak out other curse-carriers while going after the next victim.  So, the slower it gets, the more fear it gets to milk, and the more likely the curse gets spread even more.  A virus analogy: A virus that kills its host too quick doesn’t have time to be spread, and therefore the virus will die out with its hosts too quick to be viable. 

The different forms – they are intended to freak out.  Old man in the gown at the school.  Gonna freak you out.  Pissing abused girl that breaks into to Jay’s house is going to freak you out.  The fact that she was wetting herself seems like an overly conscious attempt to get a reaction.  The Tall Man. Hell, when it takes the form of Yara, it doesn’t grab Jay and kill her on the beach.  It pulls her hair – in an attempt to scare the living fuck out of her. Even when it takes the form of the kid and is breaking into the shed at the beach, it fucking snarls. 

Of course, eventually, it’s gotta kill its current victim.  Final form, ready to kill, it takes the form of your parent.  With Greg, it’s his mom.  With Jay, it’s her dad.  Maybe I need a re-watch, but I think the first It we see when Hugh passes it to Jay is his mom. 

It is intelligent.  It is not some shambling, walking beast.  It fights back – albeit, somewhat blindly.  It apparently cannot see anyone not cursed, but it will defend it self.  When Paul hits it with a chair, it fucking punts his ass.  At the pool, It knows it’s a trap and deviates from the plan and starts throwing shit at Jay.  When Paul’s shooting at It, It’s reaching out blindly, trying to grab whoever’s shooting at It, or block the bullets somehow. 

I’d get on a plane and fly far away.  Go across an ocean.  I didn’t get the idea that It was confined to just walking.  I think there’s a bit of teleporting that goes on (how else does it end up on the roof – another example of it doing shit to get a reaction).  I think it resets every couple of hours or days, a set distance away.  Then it walks, milking all the fear until you run away, or pass it on.  So, theoretically, you can be on the plane when it teleports in, and then you’re kinda fucked. 

I guess Paul’s idea at the end with the prostitutes is a decent one.  But short-lived, I don’t see many prostitutes having the resources to last as long as Jay did, and once It’s done with the prostitute, and whatever schmuck john came next, It’s back on your tail.  I guess you’d have to throw a good Viagra and hooker party, where you have sex with the first prostitute, she has sex with the next guy, then that guy fucks the next girl, and so on and so on and so on.  Also, not sure about the rules of a gangbang (speaking of, those dudes on the boat.  Did Jay …?)

How best to deal with It?  I was fine with the gang’s plan.  Yes, the pool electrocution part was not exactly scientifically fool-proof, but throw the blanket over it and shoot it?  That’s a good one. 

So yes, I enjoyed it.  Best horror movie of the 2000s?  Probably not.  For my money, the only easy answer is The Descent.  But It Follows is worthy of being in the discussion, and is absolutely worthy of all the conversation and theories and what not. 

Also, the last scene, was that It following them?  Spin the top from Inception, because we’ll never know.

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Train to Busan was so good in its first hour plus. It went a little overboard on the schmaltz towards the end, and that one character just totally outlived his usefulness, literally.  Apparently, there's only so many people you can throw in front of yourself before you become a complete parody of a human being.  

Really liked it.

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Death and darkness and gore and candy

Film: A Christmas Horror Story

Chosen by: S.K.o.S.

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

This is a Christmas horror anthology cut from the same cloth as Trick 'R Treat, which is much beloved around these parts.  While this isn't a great movie, it's a decent amount of fun.  I'll leave the details to the reviewer, but I enjoy that one of the stories is devoted exclusively to gore.

Reviewed by: The Creature That Drives the Havoc

So, this is an interesting little number. It's an anthology, but in the "various stories overlap and we bounce around between them like a soap opera" style, not the several stories one after another style. We tie them all together with a radio show (hosted by William Shatner!) and they are all in or around the same town.

We get four main stories. One your basic kids stumble into something way over their heads trying to be brave and investigate a past crime. Possession, sex, and death follow.

Another is a vintage creepy child story (with a nice ancient changling story bit.) It's by far the creepiest part to me, but evil kids usually get me.

Third is a nice variation on the suddenly very popular Krampus myth. I like the creature design and the kills, but the way over the to dysfunctional family wears thin well before they start dying.

Then we have Santa Clause vs Zombies Elfs. So fucking gory that I should have assigned this to Marty. But, it's Santa fighting zombie Elfs!  

One thing the movie never makes clear is if all of the evil loosed on this town is connected or if the town is just full of evil like there's a hell mouth.

It's funny, gory, it has way better production values than I expected, but it's not really that engaging. We don't get to know the characters all that well, and what is there isn't real interesting.

Overall it's fun, certainly watchable, but pretty much just in the middle.

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I was worried that my pick wouldn't get reviewed.  Good stuff.  I was kind of scrambling for something to submit this year, and came across this.  A Canadian horror movie about Christmas... surely that's a completely original concept that's never been done before! ;)

Fair review, and Fowler pretty much hit what I thought were the selling points: 1) William Shatner and 2) essentially a guy killing a bunch of midget zombies.  There's also that ending... which is like "Um, Merry Christmas?  Oh geez."

 

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The ending is pretty great, I just don't want to spoil it.

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So my apologies to whoever picked Brotherhood of Satan. I got asked to pinch hit it and I just could not find a copy in time to watch/review it for Halloween. 

 

Always enjoy both watching stuff and reading reviews each year. Another good one and I hope to see you all back next year.

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Sorry.  It won't let me edit the post and I left out a big scene.  Use this one instead.

15 minutes ago, piranesi said:

I'll fill in.  I reviewed that two Halloweens ago:

BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN: REVIEW PART 1:

  Hide contents

This is only a half review because I started this not very seriously just in the background while getting ready for bed...but I feel I have to report in because I'm suddenly super excited about finishing it tomorrow.

BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN (1971)

1970s Satan movies are pretty bad for the most part and usually only good for a tepid William Shatner-y laugh or two.  And I was certainly not expecting much given that this movie, after the prologue, begins with a looooooooong Manos-like family-driving-nowhere scene.

But the prologue itself promised something more.  It's a bizarre scene of a family being crushed to death in their car by what alternately appears to be a child's toy tank and a real tank.  They scream and scream and we are treated to various limbs sticking out of the twisted wreck. Weird and twilight-zonish.

This movie, it turns out, is fucking whacked in all the best ways.  It's cheap but clever.  Director Bernard MvEveety, who did almost exlusively 70s t.v. drama directing, manages to make the dull setups and lack of budget creepy by squeezing every bit of weirdness out of the premise.

For instance when the driving family pulls into a little town to report the wreckage of the crushed car, they are greeted by a sudden explosion of violence from a hillbilly sheriff and a mob of small town weirdos.  The complete lack of explanation of it all makes it pretty awesome and unsettling and the lady is just screaming "They're all mad!" as the family drives away.  The movie at this point has a kind of color NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD look to it.  The people are believably bland and weird looking and we are kept in a bewildered series of camera shots that are framed oddly close.  It's all just off enough to make a movie where not much is going on yet seem like something is ominous.

Even though he can't show us much, he hints at a lot.  And doesn't keep you in the dark about the satanists.  He gets that old people are terrifying and so he gets right to the satanic elders right away and lets you revel in their gross Metamucil orgy of blood and BenGay.

Turns out the little town is in the middle of being systematically wiped out by a satanic cult.  22 people brutally murdered in 72 hours, the parents only and all the kids are missing.  But we only learn this in rapid little bits over a few quick scenes.  We see the town doctor and sheriff worrying so we know people are dying...and then we see a couple murdered by another child's toy (their daughter's doll)

this little guy
bos.jpg
...and now the shit is on.

We follow the murdered couple's tranced-out kids to a house where dozens of old people are waiting to be given new child-bodies by the local satanic cult leader.

8052_4.jpg

They just stand around in their dinner party outfits talking about politics and fashion waiting for all these children to be delivered to them while in another room, little kids stand like lifeless statues.  It's really simple but really demented.

The cult leader is the town doctor STROTHER MOTHERFUCKING MARTIN!!!! He is fucking amazing...strutting out of the smoke in a full on Faust outfit,

10pbmrn.jpgOh, come on!  Too much awesome.

Strother Martin is that kind of awesome actor who just enjoys the hell out of everything he's in.  Tell him to put on a cape and pretend to lead a coven of satanists and he's like "Can I turn the collar up!  I think it'll be awesomer if I turn the collar up!!!  I'm gonna do this whole scene as Richard Burton, okay guys!!"

Just to give you a sense of how great he and all the old people are in this, here is the scene where one old lady is judged for having failed Satan:
 

Quote

"Degenerate creature.  Weakling soul.  Is this the result of our master's teaching?  What have you in your bowels?"

"Love for you! Prince of Darkness!  I gave...by all your holy laws did I live!!! I sacrificed.....not once on high holy days did I fail to give the homage, or spread your story among the uninitiated."

"Fool.  Can you believe that he who has renewed the very blood in your veins, who was your husband, your lover, can fail to see yet even through the veil of your miserable mouthings and gyrations, the one great blot that covers all else as if it were nothing?

"I adore thee!"

"Alice.  {Strother Martin holds in his hands a baby's boot}

"My baby!"

"Undone even before he was born.  Dead to Satan from the beginning.  At his mother's breast he was a damned soul already."

"My baby! MY BABY!!!!"

"Not your baby Our baby SATAN'S BABY!!! Alice you move my disgust too strongly"

By the way...nice try on the answer to "what do you have in your bowels" with "Love for you."  I was thinking he really wanted to know what was the last thing she ate.  Clearly I would make a bad satanist.  I would have been like, "P.F. Changs and maybe still some pancake???"  Like, how pissed would Strother Martin be if you couldn't even get that one right?  "Oh...and love for you, Oh demonic overlord!!! That's totally in there too.  and some Big Leauge Chew I think...I'm not sure how long that takes...but I've heard it's like years..."

 

Turns out the old lady committed the sin of allowing her child to be baptized.  She is promptly pronounced guilty and torn limb from limb by all the other old people.  This is that kind of movie.  Like the kind where the sight of dozens of sets of 80-year-old's dentures gumming down on you and pawing at you is horrifying...and it is.

The old lady who gets killed is awesome.  She chews the living hell out of the scene and Storther Martin is right there with her.  They are clearly having a blast.  

BHS_scary_old_folk_2.jpg

For the record, her name is Helene Winston and this was not her first brush with the Devil as she also appeared on a number of episodes of THE MONKEES:

0455_drehdal.jpg

 

And did a purgatorial stint on the CBC in the uniquely Canadian Hell that was KING OF KENSINGTON:

 

king_Fiona_Reid_Al_Waxman_and_Helene_WinI hope to God that means something to one of you weirdos.

She has the best head shot in the world too:

 

m_K99_Sapn3_IXIYh_Kks_CUESDw.jpg

 

 

Okay, I'm getting off track here.

 

There is this awesome scene where we get a glimpse of a garage where the local town folks are keeping all the murdered bodies and it's hilariously gruesome.  One bag hanging from the ceiling appears to be just legs and an arm.  It's those little touches and Strother Martin and an army of old t.v. actors, that make this movie so great.

I cannot express how excited I am to finish this tomorrow.  Apparently, this little proto-tele-tubby

 

8052_9_tn.jpg

 

Is going to kill the fuck out of someone.

 

five hundred stars.

 

BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN: REVIEW PART 1.5

  Reveal hidden contents

BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN Part 1.5

I was excited to finish this movie tonight.  I was not disappointed.  There is so much awesome in this movie.  If you're not convinced yet, just take a look at the VHS box:

brotherhood_of_satan_vhs_s_a.jpgHOW DO YOU NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS????

I want a Strother Martin plushie!

The whole second half consists of a long satanic ritual  intercut with a few scenes of the townspeople trying to close in on what's happening.  It is 100% Strother Martin huffing paint and showing Marlon Brando what crazy looks like.  He is my new most favorite actor ever.

In between slow but surprisingly natural and well-directed scenes of the small town folk trying to figure out what's happening (local priest is on the right trail of a Black Mass while Strother Martin tries to throw them off the trail)...we are treated to a bizarre and pretty horrifying scene that plays out through suggestion and symbol.

The 11 children abducted so far are brought into a 100% Kubrickian banquet room and begin to have a party.  

brotherhood_of_satan2.jpg

As they frolic around we see flashes of paintings and drawings of satanists killing kids in increasingly horrific ways, culminating in a sketch of the Devil literally eating the bowels out of a screaming child...Holy shit!!! This movie is not a gore fest, at all, but those primitive images are haunting and genuinely disturbing in their own way.

Once again, kudos to director Bernard McEveety who has to among his credits

  Reveal hidden contents

5 episodes of SIMON & SIMON
2 episodes of MISFITS OF SCIENCE (Fuck, eyah!)
2 episodes of AIRWOLF (FUCK YEAH!!!)
5 episodes of KNIGHT RIDER
1 episode of THE FALL GUY
2 episodes of BLUE THUNDER (can you do that and AIRWOLF???)
an episode of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
2 episodes of THE A-TEAM
1 episode of THE INCREDIBLE HULK
A ROCKFORD FILES
A HAWAII FIVE-0
2 episodes of THE ACTUAL FUCKING PLANET OF THE APES series
A BANACEK!

This is an astounding resume of excellence spanning decades.

But it gets better.  The local priest convinces the local sheriff that the coven needs one more kid to have the 13 it needs and they stake out the houses of the remaining kids in town.  One little boy manages to wander off all tranced-up and when his father chases after him he looks up to see the most unlikely thing...a FARGING MEDIEVAL BLACK KNIGHT ON HORSEBACK RIDES UP ON HIM AND CHOPS HIS FARGING HEAD OFF!! We see the head fly off in shadow and then are treated to a shot of the head on the ground with blood spurting out of it...but...hold on let me check and make sure about someting...yes, yes, it appears that indeed that...WAS A FARGING MEDIEVAL BLACK KNIGHT ON HORSEBACK!!!


Now we get to our main event.  All the old people are dressed in red monk's robes.  
old2.jpg
Process this image for a moment.  Look at how stoked that old lady is to see her new self...she's doing the hand jive!!!!

And to think that a few years after this, this old lady in her new body will star in WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE!

Strother Martin, in full College of Winterhold regalia leads them to the Satanic altar.  
brotherhood_of_satan1.jpg

They are singing some form of Gregorian chant punctuated by what sounds like a piano being struck with a hammer.

Here's a fun bit of trivia.  This movie was written by one of the gross bounty hunters in THE WILD BUNCH.  
4732_4.jpg
The guy on the left wrote this fucking amazing movie!

 

And the man on the right?  IS STROTHER FUCKING MARTIN!!!!!!!

 

WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS!!!!

Now, imagine for a moment the following scenario.  It's the 70s.  You're a movie producer.  This man
MV5_BMTk1_Mz_Qz_NDQ3_NV5_BMl5_Ban_Bn_Xk_

shows up at your production office with a script called "The Brotherhood of Satan" and a list of demands including

1) Strother Martin
2) Lots of children
3) A FARGING MEDIEVAL BLACK KNIGHT ON HORSEBACK

...you take that meeting, my friend.  You take that meeting.

Anyway back to Strother Fucking Martin.  I can't describe how great he is.  He opens the ceremony thus:

- He kneels at the steps of the altar
- He twists his head back and forth as if in genuine agony
- He slams his head down onto the stone steps
- He prays
3606c2145a719db1aca71729fd9a2d5056ffff23

He collapses
A wind howls
the altar is covered in giant cobwebs and is bursting forth with smoke and flames.
 

ANOTHER NOTE:  The main little girl we are following around would go on to become the new "fake" Jan Brady on THE BRADY BUNCH VARIETY HOUR:

 

 

 

This means that her two main claims to fame are working with

- The Wild Bunch

- The Brady Bunch

I am currently desperately searching for footage of her in The Baseball Bunch.  If it exists, It's time for The Rapture.

 

In 2011 she released a CD:

fakejan.jpgThis is a film teeming with history.

 

Strother Martin inspects the supplicant old people.  He tests them.

"If you are found wanting he shall judge ye to damnation."

 

This leads to the following exchange with a lady we'll call "Phyllis":

and Phyllis...

  Reveal hidden contents

PASSES!!!!!

And then out of nowhere we see a flash of a very old very fat man who is naked except for a cape.  This is full frontal old guy scrote and tube complete and center frame.  There was no purpose for this except to put you on notice that it's something that can happen and might happen again.  For the rest of the movie you will be on edge because you will never know when that will happen again.  And I'm not going to tell you. 

Strother Martin screams "SATAN BEHOLD THY PATHETIC SUPPLICANTS" in exactly the same delviery that he yelled "YOU GUYS ARE PLAYIN' LIKE A BUNCH OF....PUSSIES!!!" in SLAPSHOT.  It is exactly the same delivery because it is exactly the same sentiment.

He does the death/life fist thing again but this time he kisses his fists like Floyd Mayweather.  The entire last 40 minutes of this movie is Strother Martin doing a one woman reverse drag show.  He only needs to sing "When I was seventeen it was a very good year" and I will throw my hotel room key to him.

ritual.jpg

He is openly weeping now "Hear and be merciful!!!! SATAN HONOR THY COVENANT!!!!!!!!"  The old people are all shrieking and wailing.  It's chaos.  It's worse than a Ross Perot town hall meeting at Old Town Country Buffet..the spittle is gumming up the camera works.  The smell of applesauce is deafening.  There are wheat pennies taped to pieces of candy everywhere.  We are all lost.

Oh shit, now it's time to start the killing.

  "GLORIFY, DROWN OUR USELESS AGE IN BLOOD, PURIFY, CONSUME"  I have never loved a man more than I love him right now.

He is now wielding a FLAMING SWORD...A SWORD THAT IS ON FIRE!!!! and murdering all the old people, slicing them up...blood coats the walls of the altar...hair nets float to earth.  Pomade runs in rivers through the halls...and then a guy in a black robe guy stabs Strother Martin....why????


None of that matters.  Only this man matters.  

Slap_Shot_227_Pyxurz.jpg

I declare him KING OF OCTOBER!!!!!

 

 

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And with piranesi's run in, we have achieved Halloween Havoc history.

All 11 submitted movies were reviewed! 100%!!!!!!

Also, does anyone know a good method for getting blood stains out of the carpet in a haunted castle that looks vaguely like styrofoam instead of rock? Asking for a friend.

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I really liked It Follows.  Very creepy, nice monster rules.

The ambiguity of some of the plot points took me out of it, but repeated viewings caught me up to speed.

I love anthologies so I will have to check out this Christmas Horror Story thing.

 

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5 hours ago, J.T. said:

I really liked It Follows.  Very creepy, nice monster rules.

The ambiguity of some of the plot points took me out of it, but repeated viewings caught me up to speed.

I love anthologies so I will have to check out this Christmas Horror Story thing.

 

It's definitely fun. More fun than actually good. It took awhile to get going, but once all the pieces were in place, I found three of the four stories worth watching.

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