VHS Box Cover Art that Tormented You

[piranesi]

Last October I spilled my guts in this thread about VHS boxes that genuinely fascinated and terrified me during the early Blockbuster days of my youth.

I used them all up, so I won't pretend I have more, but I can't get enough horror movie art.  So to keep this thread going for a new Halloween season, I'm updating the theme to

VHS HORROR BOX ART THAT WAS WAY BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL GODDAMN MOVIE YOU PAID $3.20 TO TAKE HOME

Case #1: OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES (1982) /ZOMBIE LAKE (1981)

These are two unbelievably bad/boring zombie movies by Jesus Franco, (although he quit ZOMBIE LAKE and it was finished by ubiquitous dull naked vampire movie maker Jean Rollin.  They both feature Nazi Zombies eating French teenagers who either

1) go to the dessert to steal Nazi gold (OASIS) or

2) go swimming in a lake while being naked and having floppy French boobs (LAKE).

The box art for both is great, especially OASIS:

The tagline for this might as well be

 

"If you thought the ass cheeks from the poster for I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE were great...well then get a load of these 40% more-wedgied ones"

Note: she is not not dressed for the harsh conditions of exploring the desserts of north Africa.  Although the ankle boots are fucking rad.
 

 

And the zombie is so great too.  Because he's not a zombie and he's a basically a skeleton, which is what any realistic 40-year-old zombie would be.  Although preserved in sand, and so there is a thin layer of mummified skin and a bit of flesh on his otherwise bony hands.  

I've thought for awhile that the zombie-industrial complex has caused us to lose sight of the wonderful horror of being chewed on by an actual skeleton, and clawed at by actual skeleton hands.  It's extra insulting since they can't even pretend to actually devour you but are only ripping at you with jawbones attached to no digestive system...but let's face it, fleshy zombies are cheap and convincing skeletons near impossible without Ray Harryhausen.

WHY IT'S DECEPTIVE!!!

Well, let's compare it's two best parts.  1) The ass and 2) the zombie

to what we actually get in the movie:

1) Ass:



2) Zombie:

 

 

Both...uninspired.  That is not $3.20 worth of either ass or zombie.  Goddamn it, movie, that zombie looks like the lead singer for Fun. after he passed out and the other two dudes put a turd on his face (I'm assuming that's what they do).

 

Unacceptable.

But, what of it's thematic prequel ZOMBIE LAKE:

 

Again we are promised realistically dessicated zombies.  This time preserved in the cool, green mossy waters of some gross French pond, hence the green tint.

That, is an elegant zombie who lurks in the water and  overpowers you with his spindly, sinewy arms (note the great gross tendons and stuff in his wrist and his neat clawlike fingers).  The only problem is that he's a bit limited.  Stay out of his lake and you're fine.  But, hell, what naked French teenager can stay out of a smelly, green swamp when there's rock and roll to be listened to and reefer to be smoked and volleyballs to be tossed carelessly around the edge of the water???  0% that's how many.  So he should do just fine.

 

WHY IT'S DECEPTIVE

Except that's not what happens.  The zombies leave the lake and seek out a little girl who is somehow the grandaughter of one of them and has a pendant that makes him feel love agzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Yeah.  Here's what we actually get, zombie-wise:



ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, MOVIE!!!!!!????????  HIS FUCKING HAIR IS PARTED!!!!  HIS GODDAMN UNIFORM IS BRAND NEW...and, what else...hmmmmm??? Oh yeah...HE"S JUST A GUY WEARING SOME GREEN FACE PAINT AND NOT EVEN ENOUGH TO COVER HIS WHOLE FACE FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCJOYYOUMOVIE.

I would proudly hang either of these box covers on my wall as straight up great horror pop-art.  But woe to anyone who attempts to watch either one.

 

SPECIAL BONUS:  Inexplicably and at the request of no one on earth, ZOMBIE LAKE has been given a special commemorative Blu-Ray release.  How could this possibly be justified?  Why, DECEPTIVE COVER ART, OF COURSE!!!

 

 

Holy Crap, what a great fucking picture!!!!  That's like the Kraken slowly rising out of Aegean Sea!!!  The pain and anger in his face.  The hatred and rage in his clenched hand.  His Un-life is nothing nothing more than an endless shriek of hunger and the neverending pain of nerves exposed and dying and muscles deteriorating.

 

He just. wants. to. kill. everything that doesn't feel the same pain he feels.  He wants all of you to have all the pain with him all the time.

 

How do you not buy this for $25 at Barnes & Noble?

 

Oh, that's right...

Because this is that same guy in actual movie form. 

He looks like he's asking you to drive him to the airport.

[Kuetsar]

And now for a cheat.  I never saw this ever in a store, but it was on the site that was referenced by HumanChessGame.

 

Click this only if you are ready to die.  Save it for that moment.  It will make it a lot easier to let go of this life, knowing that this video box is one of the things you are leaving behind:

 

 

 

 

 NO SIR NO SIR NO SIR

I thought this was the infamous Jerry Lewis movie before I scanned down. .  .

[Curt McGirt]

Oasis and Zombie Lake are so bad that in FFed versions on one of those Charles Band Wizard Video comps* YOU STILL HAVE TO FAST FORWARD THEM.

 

* I looked it up and it's called Zombiethon and was on Netflix awhile back. They just took a bunch of shit in the public domain and gave it a connecting story filmed back of the Sunset Strip with some wannabe model and a guy with bad makeup, You gotta give it to Charlie, making slightly less stinky chicken shit out of straight-up chicken shit.

[The Comedian]

Oasis Of The Zombies and Zombie Lake are possibly the two worst zombie movies of the 80's. And mind you, I've sat through Nightmare City, Zombie Holocaust, Burial Ground, Zombi 3, The Video Dead, Hellgate, and The Vineyard...

[Curt McGirt]

 

 

Nightmare City, Zombie Holocaust, Burial Ground

 

SIR I THUS BAN YOU FROM HALLOWEEN UPON IMPENDING REVIEW. Nightmare City is a perfect piece of zombie trash. It's a bunch of guys with shit smeared on their faces running around stabbing people and slurping their blood, what's not to love? Plus a great "fuck you" ending. And Zombie Holocaust/Dr. Butcher M.D. has zombies, cannibals, and mad doctors! And an outboard motor decimating a zombie's head! 

 

To retain your Halloween privileges I command you to watch the Italian Eaten Alive and Cannibal Apocalypse/Invasion of the Flesh Hunters/etc. etc. etc. with John Saxon as penance. I could be harsher and make you sit through something involving animal torture but that would be cruel and unusual punishment that the board does not see fit to apply.

[piranesi]

Continuing on now with

VHS HORROR BOX ART THAT WAS WAY BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL GODDAMN MOVIE YOU USED YOUR OWN FINGER TO CLICK ON YOUTUBE AND WATCH FOR FREE

 

Case 2 SQUIRM:

Killer worms.  Had to be done eventually.  And they did it just well enough to become Ep. 10.12 of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000.  So, really really well.

While there are killer worms in SQUIRM and worms are inherently slimy and gross, and the idea of thousands of worms that chew on you is indeed horrifying, SQUIRM manages to fuck all this up by focusing instead on the backwoods swamp folk that populate Fly Creek, Georgia who speak "southern" like "Well, if you-un din't then who-un did?"  Guys, you can't just stick the sylable "schwa - n" at the end of things to make them southern.  You also need be drooling tobacco.  Come on!

It's the kind of town in which people seem pretty nonplussed when finding human bones in the yard, in a barn, at Kmart and the first thing they think is "That skull will bring $100 at auction!" (this is a line in the movie)

 

So is this:

 

"Something is making the worms...go crazy!.....


....

....

ELECTRICITY!!!!"

If there is one lesson we learn from SQUIRM, it's that you would be surprised how easy 100,000 worms can sneak up on you if you're at a restaurant (eating Spaghetti of course) or sitting at a bar, or taking a bath.  You get distracted, you know, and next thing you turn around and SEA OF FUCKING WORMS.



If you've only seen the MST3k version you missed the main reasons the movie was made...the wormy money shots, two to be precise:

1) Worms burrowing into a guys face and


2) the shot where a guy slowly sinks into a volcano of worms


But really roughly 85% of the movie is inbred "folk" sitting, chawing, spitting, slurping, rubbing each other, not wearing enough clothing, and generally trying to out-worm the worms to win "least physically attractive species in a movie about worms."

But Goddammit, there are two VHS covers for this movie.  One for the U.S. market and one for Asia, and they are stunning and that's why we're here and not in the October thread.



That...is art. 

It has the magnificent color and texture of Gustave Klimt's Tree of Life:

 

and at the same time the genuine horror that comes from reducing human bodies to parts of the landscape itself like Max Beckmann:

 

It really is a take on the Tree of Life, but from a very negative and biologistic perspective.  Bodies twisted into tree roots, into the tendrils of plant life.  Bodies swimming through earth in the hopes of breaking through into the open space above.  You look at this and you realize that what SQUIRM is really about is the terrifying reality that the human and worm body are merely varied extensions of the same world of mud and roots and bacteria and decomposition and smothering darkness.  We, each of us, are separated from them in form and place for a few decades of precious "human life" above the surface while they continue to keep the true faith below and vibrate and pulsate and wait for our return....but we are the same, the worms and us.

Guys, this guy turned this stupid hickspoitation movie into the most important philosophical statement of the 20th century.


And then there's the Asian market box.  Spoilered for drawn boobs (w/ nipples!)

Holy shit.  Think of that!  A whole world of hungry squirmy slimy grossness and you, single individual naked redneck lady...are the evolutionary pinnacle of it all!  This is totally different.  This is worm-worship of the human.  You are like the Pharaoh of the worms, truckstop prostitute!  Bathe in the adoration of the hungry masses.  Yes, they will eventually consume you.  But you will die in the warm moist gooey digestive glop of their love and adoration.  It's a symbiotic relationship and you are both the God and the food.

But that doesn't make you special.  And it doesn't free you from returning to them.  So bask in the open air and the warmth of the sun, and the beauty of the J. Geils Band pouring forth from your AM radio.  The truest love is coursing beneath the surface of the earth.  And they are coming to share it with you.


What a shitty movie, though.  Just really, really bad.

[Curt McGirt]

I actually own Squirm on VHS and saw it in the box today (it has always been sans individual box though -- boooooooooo). Compared to what I pulled out it had no chance, but I do have an interesting artistic comparison to that box and the comparisons piranesi has been posting. 

 

"Hide-and-Seek" by Pavel Tchelitchew:

 

 

Don't give me credit; it's the cover to Deceased's The 13 Frightened Souls EP. But if you want humanity usurped into a living, pulsing, breathing earthscape then... well, here you go.

[piranesi]

That would make a great Eastern European movie poster for EVIL DEAD.

[assfax]

http://www.critcononline.com/video_companies_cover_art.htm

http://bruceholecheck.blogspot.com/

 

Still amazing websites.

 

[Burgundy LaRue]

Oasis Of The Zombies and Zombie Lake are possibly the two worst zombie movies of the 80's. And mind you, I've sat through Nightmare City, Zombie Holocaust, Burial Ground, Zombi 3, The Video Dead, Hellgate, and The Vineyard...

 

We can't be friends.

[Skeeball Wizard]

http://www.critcononline.com/video_companies_cover_art.htm

http://bruceholecheck.blogspot.com/

Still amazing websites.

Thank you for these, I spent a great deal of my youth hanging out at a local mom and pop video store, this was around 87'-91' , and boy do those covers bring back some memories. Kudos!

[The Comedian]

I command you to watch the Italian Eaten Alive and Cannibal Apocalypse/Invasion of the Flesh Hunters/etc. etc. etc. with John Saxon as penance. 

 

I've already seen it. It's actually pretty good.

[Kuetsar]

 

 

I'm not a horror fan at all, but I've seen this at Dollar stores in the bargin bin(the movie, not the sound track). I understand its better than some of the other ones, but still a cool image. . . .