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B Movie t.v. tonight aired SUPERFIGHTS (1995)

MV5BMTI2Mjg1NzY0OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMTI2

which was a surprisingly competent campy Kung Fu movie with a WWF theme. At first I saw the skinny white lead and the writer's name, Keith Strandberg of NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER and assumed this was a d-level attempt to make a Canon style karate flick on an even smaller budget.

But the fight scenes were surprisingly slick and fast-paced so I looked it up and it turns out it was produced in Hong Kong and directed by a long-time H.K. stunt man and choreographer Siu-Hung Leung who worked on Jackie Chan's TWIN DRAGONS among other great stuff.

The plot is hilarious.  Some kid gets famous for fighting off some bank robbers and the evil Vince McMahon guy then indoctrinates him into "Superfights" where he'll become a shoot-fighting superstar.
1+Superfights+movie+cast+superfighters.j BATTLE OF THE TOUGH GUYS!!!

 

Along the way, though, Vince gets him hooked on pills and gradually is revealed to be a major crime boss who uses sex/drugs to turn his fighters into his mob enforcers...blah blah blah...guy meets cute chinese girl and her grandpa
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who teach him the true way and blah...blah...of course when the time comes, evil Vince turns out to be the most badass fighter of them all (and is played by a guy who did some "evil white guy" work in the classic Hung/Chan/Biao WHEELS ON MEALS).

But the important things here are

1) the fights are perfectly great if a bit repetitive and pretty funny (deliberately) at times

2)The final fight sequence is super brutal and fun
3) There's a lot of goofy humor that hits the mark
4) It's filmed in 1995, but it's also filmed in Harrisburg, PA, which means based on the crowds it could have been filmed 1983.
5) Rob Fucking Van Damme shows up in camo (not a cameo, literal camo) fighting a big fat guy dressed as a pirate?
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6) Jungle Jim Steele from WCW shows up
7) Keith Hackney, the guy who literally punched the back of Emmanuel Yarburough's head into oblivion so hard he broke his own damn hand in UFC 2 (maybe?), like back when UFC had like Sumo guys and ninjas and shit, shows up

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8) This guy
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from Pootie Tang is in it doing an amazing Eddie Murphy impression

9) It has a dope-ass theme song, here with lyrics overlaid:

 

This is a fun watch and perfect to get you motivated on a Sunday afternoon to start training Monday...or some time after next Tuesday...or once the weather breaks...or just pass me that bag of hint-of-lime Tostitos fuck it, dude. 

I give it:

 

three outrageous muscle babes murdering skinny dudes out of three.


3+Superfights+Angel+Kelly+Gallant.jpg3+Superfights+Angel+Kelly+Gallant.jpg3+Superfights+Angel+Kelly+Gallant.jpg

 

 

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5 minutes ago, nate said:

Same.

On another note, I got a Firestick a few years ago, but I'm just now getting to reliving my "USA Up All Night" years.   Muthafuckin' Beverly Hills Vamp!

We believe in one Eddie Deezen, the Eddie Deezen Almighty.

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  • 1 month later...

Two great Grindhouse channels I only just found out about on ROKU.  They are both from the same lady, one is free, the other is a one-time fee. The great thing is they don't have commercials and are live-stream like a t.v. station.  Just like B-Movie TV.  Random weird-ass old grindhouse movies with a mix of shorts and old trailers in between.

Bizarre TV: https://channelstore.roku.com/details/41236/bizarre-tv

and if you go to her website:

http://getbtvunderground.blogspot.com/

You can order the pay version. Bizarre TV Underground. I takes a few days for her to process the paypal payment and get back to you with the code.  I just got mine and so far it's worth it.  The pay version seems to have a slightly better mix of movies.  Right now I'm watching THE HUMAN TORNADO (the 2nd Dolemite movie) and I just saw Ernie Hudson and then Rudy Ray Moore's ass while he's fucking the racist hick sheriff's wife. And then Rudy Ray Moore's ass again while he rolls down a hill after stopping the movie to brag to the audience about how he's doing his own stunts, which he is clearly not doing.

 

 

Holy Shit this movie is offensive.

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What an unexpected gem tonight.

A movie that was "lost" for almost 35 years until suddenly a DVD release showed up in 2003...MALATESTA'S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD (1973).

Great Poster:

malatesta2.jpg

 

The plot is as simple as can be.  A boy has disappeared at a horrifyingly shabby and obviously murderous carnival.  His parents are searching for him.  That's it.  It's just an excuse for endless filler that is somehow boring but also entrancing at the same time. Also note: There are possible CHUDs involved. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL CHUD WATCH/WARNING!

It was filmed at Willow Grove Carnival in PA which had operated in one form or another from 1850 to 2005. Here is is in 1960.

PARK PORN!!! (wait, that sounds really bad.  Let's call it Carny Porn!...nope. nope.  That's pretty bad too. How about Pennsylvania Jamboree PORN!!)

The park is fantastic because Willow Grove Park was fantastic. But the movie is fantastic also.  It seems like it's going to be one of those all filler movies that shambles endlessly just to give teens time to make out and fight and eat french fries in their cruise car...but the filler is so accidentally amazing because of the setting and how weird and psychedelic it all is.  It's just one magical horrifying image after another.

This is literally the first thing you see:

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The lighting is so clumsy that it almost accidentally becomes noire and the makeup so garish that it almost accidentally becomes modernist.

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Which may be on purpose given that there are these weird cutaways to a ghoul/CHUD orgie taking place in front of a movie screen showing silent film horror footage of Lon Chaney. 

It's long stretches of weirdos wandering about an actual amusement park all the while being lit with way out of proportion spotlights that create absurd chiaroscuro effects and terrible shadows. It ends up being like a cheap, greasy CARNIVAL OF THE SOULS was re-made by John Waters after he gave up smoking and cocaine for quaaludes.

Mr. Blood, who owns the park, drives around it all night in a free-roaming bumper car.  He's amazing and creepy and pervy and I think he may be one of the greatest characters in film history.
malatestascarnivalblood2913.jpg

 

If that's not enough, Hervé Villechaize shows up to dance around and point a gun at a lady for no reason.   This was a year before THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN.

Usually I give up on a movie like this that is 80% filler, but I was transfixed by MALTESTA'S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD long enough to make it to through to the sudden bursts of amazingly goofy but somehow also disturbing gore I (think Hershel Gordon Lewis blood oozing out of everywhere and mannequins being roller-coaster-beheaded.

It's like an accidental surreal poem. There is a scene where three Carnies/Zombies/CHUDs sing a madrigal...a FUCKING MADRIGAL while a bunch of zombies and/or CHUDs rip a guy apart.
Carnival1.jpg

This guy, by the way...is William Preston...who you may know as either:

Spoiler

Carl "Oldy" Olson on Conan O'Brien

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Or

Spoiler

John "the bum" from THE FISHER KING

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It's also surreal because this is one of those old parks with wooden walkways and roller coasters and it all looks so rickety and scummy.  A little digging and it turns out it would have been filmed at Willow Grove Park during a period when it was closed due to damage from Hurricane Agnes which at the time was the costliest storm in U.S. history.

So everything is wrecked and decrepit. Which makes it all the better....There is no way this is actually a working amusement park in the movie because as far as we cant see there are only ghouls and CHUDs working there and the only customers we see are one family of three who are immediately murdered and two "fence jumpers" who are also immediately murdered.

There is no way this could be happening in reality with no one noticing. So one must assume that it is some kind of Warholian experiment in dream imagery or something...or, of course, a Jacobs Ladder scenario (TM Jason Mantzoukas). This is the only thing that makes sense because the narrative is nonsense.  Characters die and then show up again wandering around. People who are trying to escape CHUDs just show up riding roller coasters for some reason.  There is an obvious dream sequence that turns out to be actually real...or dovetails between dream and reality...or something...It is utter chaos. Also at least one character has the ability to turn himself into a balloon man? mannequin with a balloon head? I have no actual idea.  There is a vampire.  There are CHUD's.  There is a guy who can change his face at will.  There is at least one giant head.  There is a huge lizard mouth made out of a VW Beetle that a lady falls asleep inside of.  It's a Freudian dreamscape.

My current working theory is that it is a Jacob's Ladder scenario for the Amusement Park itself which has died during Hurricane Agnes but is hanging on to the bizarre mix of surreal music and childish imagery "house of horrors" imagery that filled it while it was alive.  WE ARE ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING THE FINAL VISIONS IN THE MIND OF A PLACE WHOSE FUNCTION IS FADING AWAY!!!!

THAT

IS

MADNESS

There is also this crazy actual filmic logic going on where the camera work and lighting in the first few scenes is incredibly simple and basic, like Ray Dennis Steckler simple...and then gets progressively intricate and imaginative as it goes on, with the final few scenes being genuinely kind of brilliant and virtuosic.

On another neat note, Willow Grove, which is now sadly an abandoned park:
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Re-opened as a Halloween attraction last year.  Hopefully it will get a new life as an undead attraction!

This movie is both boring and haunting, beautiful and clumsy, inept and kind of outsider-art genius all at once.  I give:

it two sloppy giant lizard mouths made out of the shell of a Volkswagen hanging upside down being ridden by Amusement Park Ghouls

malatesta_lizard_820x410.jpg

malatesta_lizard_820x410.jpg

FIND THIS AND WATCH IT!!!!!

 

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Spoiler

carny2.jpg

 

Look I can't confirm that they are CHUDs.  That's up to Congress. I'm just saying that we need an investigation because a lot of people are saying that they might be CHUDs. Like, a lot of people.

I can confirm that:

- They live underground

- They are human or humanoid

- They eat people

Also if you still doubt how amazing MALATESTA'S CARNIVAL OF BLOOD is look at this:

Spoiler

Malatestas_carnival_of_blood_1973_mkv201

Vast segments look like polaroids of someone's "last known photo" as shown on the news

Spoiler

Malatestas_Carnival_of_Blood_1973_003.jp

 

LOOK AT THIS:

Spoiler

Malatesta-1.jpg

 

 

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If you've never heard of the rarely seen 1987 goofy-ass gore and trash fest called BLOOD DINER I would highly advise you to find and watch as soon as possible.

Here is the trailer:

But that really doesn't do justice to the insanity of this.  It's basically a kind of tribute to ANIMAL HOUSE but instead of a fraternity it's a vegetarian diner and instead of wanting to get really drunk they want to resurrect a demon by stitching together body parts under the guidance of their uncle who is a brain in a jar.

That premise is the least bonkers thing about this movie.  There is wrestling. 

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There is naked aerobics.  There is an entire scene a character that appears to be a 3 ft tall mannequin of a Mexican goucho who's face/mouth do not even pretend to move when he speaks and this is never explained.  

There are a lot of very fat men being abused

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There is amazing music:

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In short this movie literally never lets up. It is a joyous celebration of late 80s tastelesness.  It should not surprise that it is directed by the Jackie Kong, the woman who directed the USA UP ALL NIGHT tittie and cop joke staple NIGHT PATROL and was written by the guy who played Mengele in SURF NAZIS MUST DIE, as well as being one of the leaders of the gore-punk band HAUNTED GARAGE.

Imagine the writers for YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION decided to reunite to write a treatment for Eli Roth.

Enjoy this quick mashup of moments.  It should motivate you:

 

 

 

 

 

 

This movie is not as good as EVIL DEAD 2 but the pace and sheer level of "how much ridiculous gore and absurd creatures can we fit into each 10 seconds of filming" along with the sheer farcical Troma Films feel and the late 80s irony is dizzying and enjoyable.  If I had found a VHS of this movie when I was 16 I would still be watching it on a loop today.

I give it:

Three naked ladies whose heads have been deep fried into a giant hush-puppy being decapitated by a vegetarian short order cook with a broom up

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tumblr_lz1pvoVQPK1qzr8nao1_500.giftumblr_lz1pvoVQPK1qzr8nao1_500.gif

 

 

 

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God DAMN you piranesi, I've still never seen that and I looked at it for YEARS at video store counters. A local band even did a song about it called (wait for it) "Blood Diner"! 

I would look the movie up on Youtube immediately but Cursed Verizon is to be watched for the moment. 

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A special announcement and public service to all

Sometimes in life we lose track of the things that keep us on track. You can drift into a depression or a funk in part because the true pleasures of art have temporarily become lost to your view and you don't even realize you've just forgotten about them.  Your entire horizon can be taken up with junk and noise that doesn't help you or anyone, even if it's pretty and sedative. And then when you run across something again, maybe for the first time in years, and you remember that magical moment when your eyes were more open and your blood hotter and your laughter real and not forced and you hated everything and loved hating it and the pleasure of loving to hate was like floating in a brilliant light.

And it can fix so much, if only for a little while.

So I just want to make sure that if any of you haven't in awhile, please, for your own good and the good of those around you...

 

FIND AND WATCH JOHN WATERS'S FEMALE TROUBLE AGAIN!!!!

I didn't fill out one of those top 360 movie ballots, but if I had...well, if I had as of today when I re-watched and remembered the power of this film to make everything in this world better and clearer and smarter...it would have been my #1.

There is a neat little blurb in an article about Waters on/in Vice.com (yeah, yeah whatever):

Quote

What John Waters is interested in, I think, is the moment when you break free from these rules and constraints, and burst out glittering and ugly from the realm of right into wrong.

glittering and ugly from the realm of right into wrong...where you belong...where we all belong...

If you're like me that moment happened some time around junior high school and that was probably the best you ever were.

glittering and ugly.

Guys, you can be glittering and ugly again. The first step is just this:

FIND AND WATCH JOHN WATERS'S FEMALE TROUBLE AGAIN!!!!

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Thanks to B Movie TV I learned two really fun things today.

 

You know Bert I Gordon, writer/director/producer of some of the worst 1950s monster movies of all time and frequent MST3k subject?

The guy who brought you this:

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and this:

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and this:

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Two things about him.

 

1) He's still working!!!! He directed a movie with Kari Wurher in 2014/15.

2) He was also still working in the 80s...and he made 80s movies.  In 1982 he made a teen coming-of-age sex comedy called LET'S DO IT.

The trailer:

That music...the obsession with boobs. The whole story being about losign virginity. All the early 80s self-help babble.

It's also extremely disturbing as the main guy cannot have sex because he's obsessed with his mother's boobs...Yep. Imagine PSYCHO as a college sex-comedy...you can't? Well Bert I Gordon could!!!!

In other words it's terrible and Bert I. Gordony but also absolutely wonderful and worth a watch.  There's almost enough boobs (like literally entire dream sequences that are nothing but giant boobs chasing a guy) to qualify as a late-night Showtime 80s or cinemax "sex" movie so if you learned everything about sexuality from Emmanuelle and Fanny Hill this might be a nice throwback...like a lost relic of your past.

 

 

And if you were concerned that it doesn't have a faux Journey/Fab 5 Freddy duet over a street-boob montage...

Don't Worry!!!!!

 

 

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On ‎4‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 1:31 AM, piranesi said:


B Movie TV never fails to hit me with something random I've never seen before but which is amazing.

Tonight I turn it on and see Bill Paxton flying a tiny little like glider thing with a prisoner handcuffed in back.  His voice is driving me crazy until I realize it's BOB FUCKING PECK From JURASSIC PARK ("Clerver girl..."). 

2149311_CAy56_Rwu1_Nr_BC7b01_Hj51sy_b_Kk

I have literally never been so excited to see someone in a movie.  There is no way this or any movie could top Bob PecHOLYSHIT MARK FUCKING HAMILL IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!

slptasker.jpg

 

He looks absolutely badass.  He is amazing as a presence.  MARK HAMILL IS JUMPING AROUND SHOOTING GUNS AND KILLing PEOPLE!!!!  I think he just killed Robbie Coltrane! GOOD FOR YOU MARK HAMILL!!!

What in the fuck is happening????????

Mark Hammill has a tiny little computer that looks a lot like a label maker and he is sending reports about something.  He seems to be hunting humans because they are horrible and I tend to agree..but then what is he???  DON"T SAY MIDICLORIANS!!!! A vampire?  An alien? A robot?

I finally found this on IMDB....The movie is called SLIPTSTREAM

MV5_BMTAz_NTk5_Mzgx_MDRe_QTJe_QWpw_Z15_BEveryone's heads are turning into wind because wind is somehow a big part of this.

and it's from 1989 and Bill Paxton has a stunning home perm. 

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I think he's trying to look like Jason Patric trying to look like Jim Morrison but he ends up in roughly the same place as Dolph Ziggler.  Unacceptable. 

1989!  Before it was like a song or something it was a year!  I was still in high school and no one believed in dinosaurs yet or that DNA existed or that Newman could work a computer.  But all that happened and so did this movie.

So Bob Peck is wanted for murder?? and Bill Paxton is a bounty hunter, maybe? Bob Peck has the power to heal people by magic or just by really fast surgery????.  In this world most people seem to fly around in balloons? or maybe they live in balloons?  No one is really letting me in on any backstory. Maybe I missed an opening scroll. 

Apparently this is directed by the guy who did TRON and is the movie that literaly broke the career of Gary Kurtz who had co-produced all of Lucas's movies through Empire.  An opening scroll is a strong possibility here.

Mark Hamill's partner is played by Mark Knoplfer's wife.  She's pretty amazing looking.

tumblr_nv1ezcmr_Lu1tl3xo0o1_500.jpgShe's basically Daniel Craig as a woman. Which is confusingly hot.  

I mean unless you're dumb enough to put her next to Mark Hamill in which case she basically looks like a pile of poo because I could stare at Mark Hamill literally forever...LOOK AT MARK HAMILL!!!!!

The main running theme is that Bill Paxton is the most unattractive human to ever walk the earth (if we are on earth, I still can't tell) and an idiot who is incompetent at every aspect of bounty hunting and flying and not getting his ass kicked and not being an annoying presence on screen.  Every time he is on screen I feel like he is the visual depiction of body odor.  Did I mention that he is supposed to be the hero?  Look at how tiny his head is in the poster and tell me they didn't realize too late what a mistake they had made.

Sadly, there is a long stretch with no Mark Hamill which is just stupid. LIke, they do a whole section where everyone who is not Mark Hamill wanders around for, like, ever.  This is a huge mistake and I don't want to keep watching until Mark Hamill is back.

 

UPDATE: Wait is Bob Peck a robot?  This is the most confusing movie I've ever seen.  I don't want to just look it up and read the plot but they are not helping me at all.  Bill Paxton just said that there is a cult that worships the wind.  But they're not the balloon people.  

UPDATE: They have found a weird ballroom where people are drinking champagne in like a bunker under a mountain.  I think this is supposed to be social commentary and this thing is supposed to be like Apocalypse Now but it's really boring like that deleted scene in the French Chateau from Apocalypse Now.  This whole movie feels like a huge reel of deleted scenes from different Bill Paxton movies which is the literal definition of Hell.

 

UPDATE: It's been approximately 487 minutes since the last Mark Hamill sighting.  They are still dancing  This is interminable.  It's like a test to see how much pain I will endure just for more Mark Hamill.  I am ashamed that I have passed the test.  Wait.  they've just upped the difficulty level to "Bill Paxton sex scene."  I don't know if I can make it

 

Update: You're not going to believe this, but there is a scene where Bob Peck is sneaking around a fake "jungle" display pretending to hunt a lady. 

How is that possible?  How did they know?  I am starting to believe this is a fake movie made last year just to fuck with me.

 

UPDATE: Wait did I just see Ben Kingsley AND F. Murray Abraham?  Aren't they like the same person in real life?  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE????  Hollywood trickery.  Next they'll have Bill Pullman show up just to really fuck with me.  THEY WON'T STOP TALKING!!!! I can't believe only four years before this F Murray Abraham was in Amadeus.  It's hard to imagine a bigger fall...except maybe if someone had been in STAR WARS or something.  This is the worst movie I've ever seen.  Luke Skywalker just pistol whipped Antonio Salieri and I felt nothing.

Update: Bill Paxton just forced himself on Mark Knopler's wife.  He's spposed to be the rakish hero but he is a human slug.  This is followed by the worst gunfight I've ever seen in a professional movie.  Question: If the world has fallen apart and everyone is living in a subsistence struggle using little or no technology WHO THE FUCK IS BUILDING PERFECT HUMANOID ANDROIDS????

I hate this movie so much. 

In the final credits F. Murray Abraham is billed as "Special guest appearance by"  I've never seen that before.  Even the credits are ashamed for the people in this movie.

Just try to grasp the level of disgust in that.

"We could put 'special guest: F Murray Abraham'"

"No.  Special guest appearance by."

"That doesn't make sense.  Of course you appear in the movie.  You're in the movie."

"No I'm not.  I appear to be in the movie.  and only as a guest.  In fact, a special guest.  But I'm not in it."

"But..."

"I'm NOT IN IT!"

 

I am late in reading all of this. Just wanted to say thanks because it shows someone other than me watched this movie, ever.

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  • 2 weeks later...


Whenever I think the world is just out of 80s slashers, like that I've seen so many that there can't be any more....there are still more. And they are still adorable in some new way.

 

This is a new way.

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As much time as I spend stalking 80s references and horror movies I still never heard of EVIL LAUGH (1986) until it popped up on Bizarre TV (Roku). maybe the crappy title helps make it obscure.

evil-laugh.jpg

 

BUT LOOK AT THE EPICNESS OF THAT POSTER!!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE DAVID HASSELHOFF AND FARRAH FAWCETT ARE BATTLING THE ACTUAL FIGURE OF DEATH DURING A HURRICANE!!!!

On one level it's about as generic as you can get for a crappy B movie slasher that premiered in a crack house and was distributed by Vestron Pictures. It is not in the least bit scary and there is basically zero gore (production budget of $30,000 mostly raised from family members).

But it is also pretty great. It holds your attention with genuinely funny characters and a fun mid-80s vibe, a hilarious recurring tune that seems to be the only cassette these people own:

 

Horrifying? Only until you give in to it and learn all the lyrics. 

We gonna have a little party tonight.

We gonna rock & Roll until the mornin' light

We gonna dance and [indecipherable]

I'm gonna make it with you

We're gonna party the whole night long!

SURRENDER TO THE REAGAN ERA!!!!! Yes, there are far too many closeups of gender un-identified butts in unisex 80s shorts to not raise questions in you that you maybe have been avoiding having to deal with. I think it's time. And I think this movie is as good a vehicle for coming to terms with things as anything else.

Forget the plot because it is literally a deliberate mashup of every other 80s maniac movie ever to the point where you can't really tell if it's a parody or just parasitic. But even with that much cheeeeeese and that fucking song...there are a few really great performances and, more importantly, a weird mixture of fun and disturbing trivia. I can only begin to catalog the surface of the vast array of weird junky future movie and world history and horrors flowing across the 12 inch color Magnavox CRT screen of anyone lucky enough to rent this in 1986.

 

- We have a lead character played by a then-25-year-old Ashlyn Gere who any bro who was between 18-25 in the 90s knows was a massively huge VHS-era adult film star.  

qE8nRIq6wjPtTbR6lHhnxCreAeq.jpg

 

She was also on the X-Files because I think she was one of the porn ladies that Duchovny was obsessed with.  This is before all that and she is not only gorgeous but a really good actress.  She does a full on I-Know-What-You-Did-Last-Summer meltdown near the end fighting the killer "COME OUT HERE MOTHERFUCKER SO I CAN BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF." Guys, she's pretty good. She's kind of magnetic on screen as the final girl.

 

vlcsnap-12905.pngSeriously, regardless of the direction her career went, you can tell she was going to be a big deal somehow.

But along with her we have:

- Director Dominick Brascia who the previous year was this guy in FRIDAY THE 13th PART V: A NEW BEGINNING.  

friday-the-13th-new-beginning-joey.jpg


 I think I post this picture four or five times a year. That's how much I love that scene.  That is slasher film royalty.  He also did this Stephen Furst impression on Night Court:

 

But Googling him, sadly leads to some sort of possible scandal from last year involving some whispered and some outright shouted accusations that, right at about this same time, he sexually abused Corey Haim. This is a real thing that has happened and is still like a breaking tabloid story. This is an Enquirer-level thing that involves the fat guy that got the axe with the candy bar abusing Corey Haim and/or Corey Feldman and somehow also involves Charlie Sheen.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD WHEN YOU CAN"T TRUST THAT FAT GUY FROM FRIDAY THE !#TH PART %???????? FUCK 2016 ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!

- If that's not dark enough...That guy's best friend in life was Scott Baio's brother Steven...Oh yeah!

Steven_Baio.jpg


 Steven Baio...brother of the new head of Propaganda and minister of Arts under Dear Leader. He not only wrote this movie, but also appears prominently and gets his head microwaved.

evillaughmicrowave.jpg This is not good film-making.

It's funny because the whole time he's telling us what we all know "This isn't going to work, dude. You can't turn on the microwave with the door open! This isn't doing anything..." Splat. MOVIE MAGIC!!!!

- Look closely enough at the credits and you see that the movie was produced by the director's mom and the writer's mom "Lori Michelle Baio" and "Ann Brascia" That's straight up amazing. I'm not sure I've seen that before.


- But IF THAT"S NOT ENOUGH! Also in this movie is Jody Gibson who would go on to be arrested and convicted in the 2nd biggest Hollywood prostitution ring of recent years.  As "Sasha of the Valley" she had a stable of hundreds of high-end call girls, and when her little black book was put into evidence names like Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis showed up.

hqdefault.jpg

 

That picture, however, is not from her trial but from Phil Specter's murder trial where she dramatically appeared as a surprise witness for the defense claiming that the victim had worked as a call girl. The judge ordered her to be silent and placed a gag order on her. SHOCKING!!!!!


- AND IT GOES ON!!!! This movie somehow relates to the bloody Balkan civil war! It also stars Karyn O'Bryan who started her acting career as Jonny Depp's love interest in his 2nd movie...the amazing USA UP ALL NIGHT classic PRIVATE RESORT.

indexalgjsgds.jpg It's Saturday Night in 1988? TIME TO WATCH PRIVATE RESORT and Experience Puberty!!!

But she did not go on to molest the Coreys or conspire to acquit a murderer, or give yearly Xmas presents to the head of Trump's SS. She went on to become a war photographer winning like awards for working in, like, Kosovo and Haiti taking pictures of refugee children.

This is her now:

7579ea_39d1191a2d714617ba5048faab8b4cc6.

But she was also the confusingly hot lady in that weird series of commercials for Black Angus steak house a few years ago:

 

WHY IS THIS MOVIE TAKING US IN SO MANY CONFUSING AND DARK DIRECTIONS?????

Think about this!  Watching this movie you see a bunch of young people...just starting out...that would end up going is such different directions:

- Famous Porn star
- War Correspondent
- Prison for running a massive Hollywood brothel
- infamous possible Corey Haim abuser
- Brother of future Minister of Alt-Right Culture


But not just that. The score was written by the guy who wrote the "Theme for Charlie Rose." Did you ever imagine you would know who wrote the theme for Charlie Rose? Did it ever even occur to you that that was written? That they don't just tune into the quiet storm every night at the same time?

But man, this movie is funny and funny on purpose.  There is this guy in it...Barnie...who is basically outlining SCREAM ten years earlier. He instantly wants to leave when they hear the legend of "Martin" the killer from ten years ago. He spends the entire movie trying to convince everyone that it is stupid to stay in the old abandoned house. He lays out the rules for them, begging one guy not to have sex with his girlfriend because that will piss off the maniac. When he's found alive at one point he yells "fuckin' damn right I'm still alive!!!" and at the end he makes sure that the final scare can happen because "the killer is supposed to come back." It is hilarious and pretty ahead of its time.

That guy did not act much after that.  He became some kind of weird tech. consultant for colleges and has this amazingly absurd website. And this is one of his cats:

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And another guy in this movie went on to be in Cop Dog.

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COP DOG!!!!!!

 

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FUCKING  COP DOG!!!!!

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The family movie about a boy's cop father being murdered in front of him and then his police dog who is maybe the ghost of his dead father being KILLED BY A CAR in front of him and then THE GHOST OF THE DEAD DOG WHO WAS ALREADY POSESSED WITH THRE GHOST OF THE DEAD DAD COMING BACK TO HELP THE KID GET REVENGE...
This movie should be called "Double-Possessed Dead Pet Cop (where the cop is also dead and your dad)" But I guess that was a little unwieldy for marketing.

THIS RANDOM 80s SLASHER MOVIE ASKS YOU TO THINK MORE ABOUT THE NATURE OF EVIL THAN DANCER IN THE DARK!!!!!

and I give it: TWO SHIRTLESS HECTOR ELIZONDOS FROM PRIVATE RESORT UP!!!

 

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13289_4.jpg

 

 

 

 

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How does this get a "Special Edition"? I don't know but I'm glad it did... A Piranesi review of this film would be priceless... I can't begin to do it justice...

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I swear I just saw part of that like three days ago. What I saw of it was amazing. 100% worth anyone's time.

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LOOK AT THE TENSION!!

 

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TENSION!!!!!

Seriously for a "local movie" (made in Texas by some people in Texas who wanted to make a movie) it is endlessly watchable. There is not a single moment that is not fun or outrageous or incompetent in a charming way.

 

But right now I am watching the sequel to H.B. Halicki's classic GONE IN 60 SECONDS called THE JUNKMAN (1982)

It basically turns Gone in 60 seconds into a movie within a movie because in the sequel, the lead character is the actor Harlan Hollis traveling to the premier of that first movie when someone else involved in the movie puts a contract out on his life.

Imagine SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT with about 7000 explosions. It is literally listed in guinness as "most vehicles destroyed in the making of a film." It is the most early 80s America thing I've ever seen.

Watch the trailer and I DARE YOU NOT TO NEED IT NOW

 

 

I know this 2nd clip title implies that it is "all the crashes and chases" but it is literally just a few excerpts from one sequence in the movie:


Of the 98 minute running time, I'd say at least 37 minutes is something crashing into something else. Sadly the DVD replaces the Hoyt Axton soundtrack with generic synth bleeps and bloops and sucks out a lot of the energy. Still...this is a MASTERPIECE!!!

H. B. Halicki is the kind of film maker who says "You know what, in that part of the chase scene where they cut off a car and it crashes into that other car, let's not just move beyond that right away. After the chase moves on let's cut back to see some people going to help the driver of that random car only to find that it's an enormously obese man in the tightest clothes we can get and that he can't fit out the door and then cut back again later to show six or seven people carrying him while he giggles with glee. And then, you know what..in the next scene when the hero crashes his car through that ice cream stand, let's make sure we get the same fat guy to be there getting ice cream so it spills all over him!!"

THAT. IS. VISION!

Also if you were wondering if this film might not end with a blimp chase.

Spoiler

DON"T WORRY! YOU"RE GOOD!!!!

I give it two "Freeze Frames on a Cadillac in mid-air jumping over an airplane" up

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Guys, the closing credits are just a series of shots of super hot early 80s big hair ladies laying on top of cars holding guns...

 

I CAN"T EVEN PROCESS HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE IS GREAT!!!

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YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

But try to find it with the original soundtrack if you can....

 

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