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Don't Answer the Phone is also set in L.A. The killer is a sleazebag but probably more of a poor man's Frank Zito than Ramrod. He does get to some of his victims by using his job as a photographer. He shoots naked ladies for Porky. Yes, fucking Porky. Near the end, the detectives show him some pictures that were taken of the dead bodies and Porky (chomping on a cigar) remarks "What is this shit? He usually does tasty work." There's also some very cheesy half assed buddy cop shit where the fuzz storm in on some coke lord pimp whose motel the detectives miss the killer at strangling one of the prostitutes. If there's a Zito scale for killers, this dude is on the high end of the more cartoonish bug-eyed aspects of Frank while the killer in Don't Go In The House is at the low end completely traumatized by his abusive mother. Nicholas Worth (the mercenary in Swamp Thing that got turned into some kind of ferret-man) is a blast as the killer. 

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Yeah, I recall that being super greasy. Worth, funny enough, ended up a Born Again Christian. He might be more notable to some of you as the bald thug in Darkman.

Who is Porky, BTW? You're making me imagine Brazo de Plata as a pornographer (he has sported a sleazy enough mustache before to help with the look).

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The dude from the movie Porky's. Porky, the proprietor of the riverboat titty bar establishment that to the best of my recollection, was also called Porky's.  Growing up, my best friend's dad swore he got mistaken for Brian Dennehy but he actually bore a pretty damn close resemblance to Porky. Of course, that's plenty of fat old Southern guys for you. 

I could easily see Super Porky behind the desk as the porn editor though. 

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Worth was also in some Ramones video that got played on an episode of Beavis & Butthead. That's the main thing I associate him with besides Don't Answer The Phone. I believe he used a Mexican accent to taunt the radio psychologist host. That's something that the killer in Ten To Midnight also did. The interrogation scene in that where Charles Bronson asks the killer about certain items he found in his apartment is some of the funniest shit ever committed to film. 

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Review for that movie with the dude that looks like Charles Bronson.

http://warped-perspective.com/index.php/2018/09/20/death-kiss-2018/

The reviewer actually speculates how much better a movie featuring Bronski in some Hobo With A Shotgun scenario would be than this Death Wish bastard film. Come to think of it I always wanted to see Charles Bronson torture The Devil's Rejects. 

 

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B-Movie TV didn't fuck around this morning. I flipped over while that goofy ending to Super Show was still finishing up only to see Beyond The Darkness was on. It was almost over but that's fine since I own it. However I don't have Riki Oh and that was what they played next. On back to back at 6 AM and 8 AM. Doubt they play shit half as good as that the rest of the day. They also played Contamination at 4 AM Monday Morning to kick off their month-long horror & sleaze Halloween marathon. 

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American Horrors played Absurd this morning. I've pulled it up on YouTube several times recently but that's usually just to make sure it is still uploaded. There were a few things that made it silly and definitely not a gross-out masterpiece like Beyond The Darkness or Anthropophagous. First of all, Pieces apparently ripped off the entire soundtrack from this as well as the Dean playing some Loomis-like priest in this. Now that score was okay in Pieces but it didn't work with this at all. Hell, the pulsating score in Silent Rage is the Halloween theme compared to this. Then there's how badly this fails at passing itself off as American. The All American Super Bowl party at the neighbor's house features people dressed up in suits and fancy dresses eating spaghetti to watch the game, which apparently started at 9 or 10 PM back then. Even the Boston college campus in Pieces seemed more authentic by comparison.

Then there's the kills, none of which are all that memorable. You get your fair share and they are adequately grisly; just nothing special. There are not one but two scenes involving some sort of drill through the head and all either of them does is remind you how awesome the lathe drill scene in City Of The Living Dead was. Also the final bit of stalk and slash between the killer and the sickly daughter was interminably long and tedious. I did like the final shot though. 

Spoiler

Ignore a sickly girl being able to lop an invincible giant's head clean off with just a few whacks from a medieval axe. Eastman the Beastman went out like a bitch.

As far as wacky Michael Myers rip-offs go, I'll stick with Silent Rage. 

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I cannot more highly recommend your all finding and watching the movie SEVERED TIES (1992).

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It was one of three movies produced by Fangoria in the early 90s and released direct to video.

It's a fun funny story done on the cheap with some nice effects and some amazing characters. But, what you really need to know that among its stars are:

 

Garret Morris!

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as a sewer-dwelling scavenger drunk who befriends a Herbert West style scientist who has accidentally grown a reptilian left arm that can leave his body and murder people, but which kind of also loves him.

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That is only a very simple description of a plot that involves incest, a mad cult leader who lives in the sewers of L.A., a tongueless mute girl, a giant blender used to mush people into DNA, Elke Sommer

 

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YES THAT ELKE SOMMER!!!!

 

and OLIVER REED500full.jpg

 

 

Oliver Reed and Elke Sommer were together in TEN LITTLE INDIANS and now they are reunited in this.

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and it is amazing. Oliver Reed is insanely committed to this. He plays a guy with a serious foot, hair, and mommie fetish who literally begs Elke Sommer to abuse him and he doesn't hold back one bit. Oliver Reed is magnetic. He is fat and drunk and just a mountain of charisma even though he's the villain. And he is willing to show so much ass to get his character over as a sniveling, neurotic shit. It's like the man is not capable of not being amazing even in this.

But nothing...NOTHING prepares you for ELKE SOMMER'S big monolog near the end when an arm/lizard/demon is attacking her and Oliver Reed and she is SHRIEKING about how she has wasted her life on inadequate men and ruined her body for ungrateful children and SHE WILL HAVE WHAT IS COMING TO HER!!!! Your jaw will drop in this moment. It will alter your entire week.

This mess of a movie is incredibly charming. It's kind of like a big long episode of Tales from The Crypt. It seems to have roughly the budget of one episode of that and hovers at about that level of production values. Or think of it as an even cheaper RE-ANIMATOR style movie.

Here's a trailer

 

But I think you can trust me on this...SEE THIS!

 

I give it three fat German sadists having their lungs ripped out through their mouth by a lizard arm out of a possible three

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20 hours ago, FluffSnackwell said:

Proving once again that they always show the best shit at 4 A.M., woke up at about 4:30 this morning to find Winterbeast playing on B-Movie TV.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpPsuSbrze8

I had the same experience. Woke up iitnof a dead sleep, saw it was 4 so i figured I’d wait to see what was coming on, and it was THAT. Then last night, I remember that Shockwerks is back, so I turn that on at 6, and Winterbeast is on there, too!!

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After midnight Halloween viewing as the veil between the living and the dead begins to sadly strengthen again for another boring year of 364 non-Halloween days.

Invitation to Hell (1984: Made for TV). Directed bu Wes Craven!!!!

Spoiler

 

Invitation-to-Hell-Wes-Craven-1984-Movie

There is only one thing you need to know. Spoilers be damned, you need to read this and I need to type it out in order to even believe it happened.

 

This movie ends with Robert Urich putting on a literal space suit so he can go into literal Hell (through the sauna of a health spa!) and literally fight Susan Lucci with lasers to rescue his daughter who is literally Punky Brewster.

 

Robert Urich vs. Susan Lucci in a Punky Brewster on a pole match! There has never been a more 1984 thing than that (I'm looking at you lil' Georgie Orwell...suck it, okay.)

Other faces of other people you know who are in this movie:

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Oh, did I forget to mention this was DIRECTED BY WES CRAVEN LITERAL WEEKS BEFORE HE STARTED FILMING NIGHMTARE ON ELM STREET?????

WES CRAVEN AND SUSAN LUCCI WORKED TOGETHER TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN

exit-ausgang-ins-nichts-invitation-to-he

 

 

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Yeah, I watched a little of that but thought it was going to end up being some lame ass shit where the kids were robots. The night before Shockwerks played something even weirder in that slot where prototypical serial killer/scumbag Jeff Kober (although he was most recently a city councilman on Sons of Anarchy) actually played the unhinged detective for once. 

B-Movie TV showed Truth or Dare: A Critical Madness at 4 AM Monday night. I had forgotten how corny the theme was whenever the killer was driving back and forth in his car (Rifftrax would have a field day with this). Pretty goofy shit except for two gratuitous deaths, which were so abrupt and out of nowhere that they still blended into the rest of the movie's wackiness as to be more laughable than shocking. 

Spoiler

The first one is when the maniac is speeding down an alleyway and ends up running over a mother strolling her baby down a sidewalk. Nothing is shown except the stroller turned over and covered in blood but the killer hallucinates the mother (who has been knocked backwards into somebody's front yard) as his own mother berating him and proceeds to back over her for good measure.

The other senseless kill is when the maniac is driving past a baseball field and a lone kid dressed up in his uniform is leaving the field walking around in the parking lot. I guess his folks were late picking him up from practice. For some reason, the killer hallucinates this kid as some kid with glasses that apparently taunted him back when he used to freak out and play truth or dare with him with his imaginary friend. Anyway there isn't much more to be said than drive-by chainsaw. 

Then the next night at 2 AM, they showed The Last House on Dead End Street. Nothing like vintage sleaze featuring some Rainn Wilson-looking motherfucker. Last night I caught the last half hour of Dawn of The Mummy which was their 8 PM movie. That worked out great as I jumped right in when all the premium gut munching commenced. 

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Fuck, I love Dawn of the Mummy. The only thing it's missing is nudity (it's horror movie about models! Come on people) but the photography is so dim you can imagine they're skinny dipping in one scene. 

Last House on Dead End Street is pure trash. It was written and filmed while the main dude behind it was on a serious meth binge, btw. 

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