The Grindhouse Report

[nate]

I've probably read the word "chump" over a thousand times in my life, and exactly 50% of those times was in that review.

Kudos.

[(BP)]

We need to get a love button installed on this board exclusively for Piranesi grindhouse posts. 

They have an issue of that Black Belt magazine on eBay used for $8. I thought about getting it, but I'm a little concerned about exactly how it's been used. 

[nate]

We also need an "eww" button.

It would probably be used a lot.

[odessasteps]

 

[Curt McGirt]

I haven't seen Shock Waves in years and I remember it being great despite its limitations. 

I also fully endorse Daily Grindhouse, they are one of the best websites running. 

[piranesi]

Short post just to dork brag.  Right now B Movie TV is showing HEAVENLY BODIES which looks and sounds in every way like it should be an Italian slasher movie

But is in fact a Canadian aerobics drama.

A Canadian.

Aerobics.

Drama.

Think A CHORUS LINE but nothing but aerobics. Or Flashdance but with the sugary sweet stench of Tim Horton's and meekness.

I only bring it up because as I watch it I am cradling my own personal copy of the original LP pressing of the soundtrack to HEAVENLY BODIES

THIS IS WHY I TRAINING FOR!!!!!!

Yes that is a pumpkin pillow in the corner. 

66 DAYS BITHCES!!!

 

[piranesi]

Somehow HEAVENLY BODIES is about a t.v. show that broadcasts live every morning ON TELEVISION and is a hugely popular TELEVISION SHOW!!! AND STILL MANAGES TO END UP BEING ABOUT AN EVIL HEALTH CLUB OWNER WHO BUYS THE STUDIO AND EVICTS THEM BUT IS CHALLENGED TO AN ON_AIR AEROBICS COMPETITION FOR OWNERSHIP OF THE STUDIO!!!!!!!

THERE IS NOTHING IN LAND/LEASE LAW OR TELEVISION BROADCASTING THAT WORKS LIKE HOW EARNEST SAVES CAMP WORKS!!!

 

THEY ARE TRAINING FOR THE AEROBICS COMPETITION BY DOING BICYCLE CRUNCHES WHILE THEY PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE THIGHGS!!!

THE EVIL AEROBICS CLUB OWNER JUST NANCY KERRIGANED THE LEAD LADY!!!!! I TAKE IT BACK CANADA YOU DO KNOW HOW TO BRING THE HEAT!!!

The workout sessions are in blocks of one hour wit a ten minute rest. If you stop jumping around like an idiot to synth pop you are out. So it's basically like They Shoot Horses Don't They but with teh Pointer Sisters.

They are lined up against each otehr.  They are doing teh little arm circles. Now they are punchign the air. Now into knee kicks. It's way too early for knee kicks, guys.

2nd hour. Iroquos twists but without the Iroquous part. The judges notice omseon cramping up and immediately counts down. They have ten seconds to start swinging their arms again. They are doing that thing where you swing your arms like you are on skis.

Remember. This is to determine who owns a piece of real estate somewhere in Alberta or maybe New York. It's hard to say. But it is clearly a legally binding aerobics marathon.

Ther is a scoreboard but I don't kow what they are keeping score of. It is 9 to 9 though. The lead lady is injured and starting to limp. If she is eliminated her team will collapse. OH MY GOD RUNNING IN PLACE!!!! FIVR HOURS IN AND RUNNING IN PLACE>>> MADNESS@!!!!!!

Is there any piece of real estate in Canada that is worht ecersising for 5 hours?????? These people are bleeding sweat and teh music is still so happy. Right now they are singing "WORK YOUR BODY UH WORK YOUR BODY..JUMP TO THE BEAT" and people are weeping. I love this.

They are tending to the lead lady. She is bleeding profusely from her leg. The music is singing Keep on Working for the top" They mean "the top of teh Canadian Aerobics scene."

The lead good guy just made fun of the villains penis size and the villain punched him (confirming the penis issue really) and they are both thrown out. And one of them has a tiny dingle of Canadian bacon between his legs. IS THERE NO SPORT IN CANADA THAT DOESNT END IN FIGHTIN??????

PENIS. THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING. WE ARE IN HOUR NUMBER 8. MY MAIN COMPLAINT IS THAT this is not really coming down to the quality of teh aerobics but just who can do it the longest. though I can see the argument that ultimately all taht really matters in aerobics is how long you do it and not the quality of it.IT IS A BIG POINT OF CONTROVERSY IN THE COMMUNITY.

Habe I mentioned that they are airing this on the radio with an announcer. It is an aerobics compettion and is being aired on the radio for 9 hours and running. So it's just 9 hours of really really bad music while a guy reminds you that they are still doing aerobics.

The lead lady is hulking up at the end and going absolutely insane. The announcer is in tears. The evil blonde lady  cant kepp up with her.  She is Jessie Spanoing the living crap out of the world right now. The only approprisate ending is for her to collape and die now like teh Rite of Spring.

A judge is handing them the deed to the land. He is dancing in his judges robes. Tehre are balloons. And that's the end. there is no epilog because there is nothgint to wrap up. Literally nothign happened. They did aerobics and then stopped and the movie said "The End." and the result of all of this is that they can now keep doing aerobics in this one building in Canada instead of finding another one.

Note to movie: THERE ARE OTHER BUILDINGS IN CANDA THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE AEROBICS IN!!!!!!

[piranesi]

STARCADE MARATHON ON TWITCH SHOUTCAST CHANNEL!!!!

DUDE NAMED DELBERT WHO IS ABOUT 30 JUST SCHOOLED A 10 YEAR OLD ASIAN KID ON PENGO!!!!

NOW HE'S DEMANDING "EYES"

 

JESUS NOT EYES HAVE MERCY HES JUST A SMALL IMMIGRANT CHILD!!!!

 

Delbert is playing for a Casio VL tone and a Colecovision.

But Delbert incorrectly identified Space Dungeon as Starburst and he is fucked.

Dummy.

 

OH MY FUCKING GOD NOT ROBOTRON!!!!!!! ARE YOU INSANE!!!!!!! THE ASIAN KID IS GOING TO DESTROY YOU IN ROBOTRON DELBERT!!! SUPER ZAXXON WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!! DELBERT< YOU ARE THE ROMAN REIGNS PROMO OF PICKING VIDEO GAMES!!

 

Yep. Delbert is dead and now the asian kid isplaying for a FUCKING TABLEtOP PAC MAN AND A TEXAS INSTRUMENTS HOME COMPUTER!!!

I knew a dude who had one of these and it was amazing.

 

And on top of that Delbert got obliterated so bad on Robotron that the asian kid now gets to play for his own goddamn Jungle Hunt arcade game and Delbert is going home with a fuckng Casio VL Tone. Enjoy those two drumbeats and built in calucualtor, Dumbass Delbert.

NEVER PICK ROBOTRON AGAINST AN ASIAN KID WHEN A JUNGLE HUNT ARECADE GAME IS ON THE LINE!!!!!

 

[nate]

Still love physical media, and this week has been the best.

Got Astro-Zombies, Donovan's Brain, original Man on Fire, Across 110th Street, Wolf Guy, the Void, and, probably arriving today, is a 4 film collection that includes Argoman and Robo Vampire.

Is.there a thread devoted to letterboxd?  I'd be interested in checking out different collections and tastes., from some of you.

[piranesi]

13 hours ago, nate said:

Still love physical media, and this week has been the best.

Got Astro-Zombies, Donovan's Brain, original Man on Fire, Across 110th Street, Wolf Guy, the Void, and, probably arriving today, is a 4 film collection that includes Argoman and Robo Vampire.

Is.there a thread devoted to letterboxd?  I'd be interested in checking out different collections and tastes., from some of you.

I just started one because of your post. But the only thing I have in my list for now is VICE ACADEMY

 

and I feel like I don't want to spoil the purity of that.

[piranesi]

Just a quick note. B Movie t.v. is showing a very low budget 16 mm direct-to-video 1986 horror movie called TRUTH OR DARE.  

 

There are two things you need to know about it.

1) The writer/director Tim Ritter was 17 when he made this
2) It is amazing.

Yes it starts really badly with a guy catching his wife in bed with his best friend and a loooooong flashback filler scene.  And then the guy nonsensically driving around, picking up a woman, and going camping.  You will be thinking this is, at best, MST3K material and I was enjoying just riffing on it through that point. For instance in the endless driving filler scene at the beginning there is this little bass line that keeps playing over and over and you will sing along and you will laugh.

But then it suddenly gets FANTASTIC. I don't want to give anything away because the veer from "this is so idiotic" to "this is suddenly the most brilliant thing I've ever seen" happens in like a half a second.  

And from there it just gets better and better and better. I want to write it all up but I want you to be able to experience that magic moment for yourself when you will literally say:

"Wait..what? Did this just become great?  Holy shit this just became great!!!!"

that doesn't happen that often in life.  So enoy it!

FIND THIS AND WATCH IT!!!!! OMG THERES A BLU RAY THAT COMES WITH AN ACTION FIGURE!!!

Spoiler

 

 

[piranesi]

Seriuslsy guys I really want ot go get some popcorn rigt now but I can't pause this movie and I don't want ot miss a second of this.

 

Event he wipes between scenes are amazing with a beeping sound and a scroll across the screen telling you how much time has past like a special weather bulletin.

 

This movie is 10000X better than Rob Zombie's Halloween remake.  I only bring that up because it handles similar subject amtter but does it so much better.  This guy was 17 fucking years old Rob Zombie and he kicked your fucking asss!!! Wikipedia lists the budget of this as $200,000. Eob Zombie's Halloween cost roughly 75X as much.

THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME!!!!

[piranesi]

Um....I don't know how to say this...but I just IMDB'ed this and the person playing the little kid version of the main character in flashbacks is A.J. Mclean from the Backstreet Boys....

I don't what that means exactly. But I know it's...significant information.

Also there are actors in this movie with the following names:

Norm Rosenbaum

Dash Goff

Jon Creamer

Raymond Carbone

Abestos Felt

Si Stillerman

 

This would seem to be a strange collection of old Jewish and Italian men and very fetish-specific porn actors.

[piranesi]

I gift you now with the closing credit song:

 

spoilered because it gives away much of the plot lyrically:

 

Spoiler

 

 

[Curt McGirt]

Well go figure, I would get an Autopsy record in the mail today and you would post about that. 

And of course I've never seen the movie and even though it was made for $1.99 it of course still costs money to watch it on Youtube

[nate]

B-Movie TV is on their monthlong Halloween marathon.  Nothiing but horror movies all month.

[piranesi]

2 hours ago, nate said:

B-Movie TV is on their monthlong Halloween marathon.  Nothiing but horror movies all month.

So far I've seen El Canibal which is probably Jesus Franco's most narratively competent film in that it has a narrative.

Also a couple of real shot-on-video gems and super cheapeis including one called OFFERINGS (1989)

which is about the most on-the-nose paint-by-numbers regional (Oklahoma) slasher (like scene by scene, note by note in the score) ripoff of Halloween but still manages to be oddly watchable and at times hilarious with surprisingly effective gross out scenes and a novel twist on the Halloween premise. But really, watch it for the hilarious side characters and the Oklahoma girls trying to sound like they're form the Valley.

 

and the really nice Paul Nashy movie THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMAN

Also caught the fantastic Trippy 2013 Giallo tribute Sonno Profondo. If you haven't watched this yet, you should probably just put it on a loop in the background from now until Oct. 31.  It's more of an home installation art piece on the visual and musical style of Giallo than an actual film and it is intoxicating.

 

and am now watching (On Bizarre TV also highly recommended on Roku) Amy Holden Jones's masterpiece SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE.

 

 

[piranesi]

Another quick plug for Bizarre TV on Roku.  Right now they're showing a 1988 demon movie called SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK that stars Toni Basil and somehow has a soundtrack by Devo. Also the cute female lead turns out to be the hot evil wizardess from the MST3K movie OUTLAW OF GOR!

 

I kind of loved her and she's playing the hot sexy "Professor of the Occult" that gives classes in "Demonology" that only exist in horror movies so this is a treat.

I swear as many thousands of hours of 80s junk I've watched and nearly every week I still find something I've never heard of.

Download Bizarre TV on your Roku. Although I think you can watch it in your browser as well.

[piranesi]

Okay this Slaughterhous Rock movie is the 2nd time between 1988 and 1990 that Toni Basil steals an entire shitty b movie by showing up in just a few scenes and being as badass as possible.  You, of course, all remember her mammoth musical number in ROCKULA

Honestly no Halloween season is complete without listening to this at least 100 times, like saying Hail Mary's for penance.

 

 

And now in this terrible 1988 demon movie

TONI BASIL IS THE FUCKNG BADDEST MOTHERFUKCER EVER

[Curt McGirt]

Paul Naschy rules. That is all. 

[piranesi]

B Movie TV's horrothon continues tonight with

Fear No Evil (1981) 

 

a delicious delirious mix of hot topics and Hot Topic c. 1980. Take CARRIE, add it together with THE OMEN, and stir it all up with DAWN OF THE DEAD.

As best I can understand it goes like this: awkward, shy teen Andrew is bullied by is vicious classmates until he starts having the ability to hurt them in various psychic ways (CARRIE).  It turns out he is possessed and is turning into the AntiChrist (THE OMEN).

Two archangels in the bodies of old ladies then possess two of his female classmates to fight him.

He counters by resurrecting an army of zombies (DotD)

Quick notes:

The mean girl gang girls are fantastic. They're like grubbier versions of the Pink Ladies

and I was in love with all of them.

- There is a really really weird scene where one of the bullies torments Andrew in the shower by...making out with him...like literally deep French kissing him...like "I'll show this nerd whose queer by passionately kissing him, right guys, just for a lulz though...right...yeah..." I don't know that is how that goes. But it features an awful lot of simulated high school dude booty and one hilariously tiny bully penis.

- The plot is impossible to follow since it follows multiple generations of demons and demon fighter possession cycles. But the mood is always on point. It's creepy and has that gauzy, smoky Carrie look about it.

- There is an amazing scene where a theatre doing is doing a Passion play and the guy being Jesus is hanging on the cross and actually starts to die as nails appear in his hands, feet and blood flows from his head and he screams and dies

 

and the crowd freaks out and all start to get Stigmata.  It is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. If that's not enough, he is then struck by lightning and becomes Jesus for reals.  None of this is ironic in any way. This is 100% genuine.

- There is another amazing scene where a maniacal gym coach goes fucking 'Nam time crazy coaching a dodge ball game and kills a kid with a dodge ball. The guy who plays the gym teacher turns in maybe the greatest performance in cinema history.

 

- Somehow the soundtrack of this movie features The Ramones, The Rezillos, Patti Smith, Talking Heads (twice), Boomtown Rats, and The B-52s. It is on fucking point.

 

DO NOT SLEEP ON THIS MOVIE!!!! I give it THREE DODGE BALLS ABOUT TO EXPLODE A DUDES INSIDES INTO HIS GYM SHORTS OUT OF A POSSIBLE FOUR

 

[nate]

Me and my very small (i.e. 2) circle of friends who can tolerate my shit are starting a Saturday double feature project because, 1: We don't get a chance to hang out enough, and 2: I have almost 3000 films on physical media I need to start watching.

Our first installment:  Frankenhooker b/w Xtro.

This could be our last one, too.

[Curt McGirt]

Xtro is siiiiiiiiick. You're in for a treat! 

[piranesi]

Watching SAVAGE WEEKEND on Night Flight Plus streaming service. They billed it as an early slasher (1978 and then not released until 1981).

Very low budget and very badly made in some basic ways (I've never seen more or more obvious boom mic appearances in any other movie. Not just the mic, but the stand and even an arm in one shot).  But also weirdly watchable and kind of intense.

Now, if you are looking for a straight-up horror movie like I was, it's not a great choice. The slasher stuff only kicks in in the last 1/2 hour or so although there are a couple of creepy/violent instances before that. But it's really a moody psychological thriller that builds tension through character really effectively.

Premise: Some uptight and very neurotic New York political/wall street big shots trying to get away from their troubled lives go off upstate where one of them is having a boat built by a local weirdo who may or may not have murdered someone and branded the flesh of a woman. After a lot of slow but not actually boring (actually kind of sad and realistic) bed hopping and sniping and a few creepy encounters with locals, someone in a mask starts killing people.

Why it's great: I was enjoying it at first for how inept it was. But I was gradually pulled in by some amazing performances by some well-kown people.  

- The local creep (Otis) is played by William Sanderson in his first prominent film or t.v. role. He is magnetic. Yes, it's the same creepy mush-mouth charcter he will go on to play over and over, but when he is onscreen (including a weird prologue where he just stands there and grins) you can't not be entranced by him.
LOOK AT HIM!!!!

LOOK AT HIM!!!!!!!!!

- A tough, smart, but also creepy local farmer/guide is played by David Gale, who you should know as this guy from RE-ANIMATOR.
 

 He is fantastic. He plays this part like Quint from JAWS and he comes across as clever, scary, intimidating, but also not crazy or dumb or hillbilly. It's very subtle. He's like a D.H. Lawrence character symbolizing masculinity and it's meant to be a little seductive and a little scary and primal.  What's so weird though, is that this was filmed maybe 7 years before RE-ANIMATOR, and here is the old, emaciated decrepit Dr. Hill and he's fucking buff and virile and fucking hot as fuck.
 

CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT IS THE SAME GUY?????

I looked him up and he died at 54 of heart issues, so maybe that's the reason he went from Marlboro man to petrified old creep in a few years. But I didn't recognize him until I looked it up and it was amazing to see how good he is in this. Every bit the scary dude as was in RE-ANIMATOR.

- There is a homosexual character who is shockingly well written. He is mean and snarky, yes, but also smart and strong-willed and tough. He beats up some hicks who give him trouble. He's funny. He's not there to be a punch line. In 1978? In a grindhouse slasher? That's kind of amazing. He's played by Charles Allport who went on to be an 80s-90s-00s staple of t.v. and also was prominety in TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. until he was killed in an avalanche in 2008. A fucking avalanche. W T actual F?

- the sex-kitten role is played by Caitlin O'Heaney, who went on to be the final girl in the Tom Hanks movie HE KNOWS YOUR ALONE and then, even more awesomely, the female lead in the show TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY (which was the far superior Indiana ones ripoff competing with BRING 'EM BACK ALIVE) but which is ruined now because that 7th Heaven creep was the star. And EVEN MORE AWESOMELY she played the SUPER SEXY English teacher in THREE O'CLOCK HIGH.

YEaaaaahhhhh. I was in love with her! This was also her first film role, which she took mainly to get her SAG card.

- A last bit of trivia: A little kid in the opening scene turns out to be the first appearance of B movie queen Yancy Butler (Lake Placid, Kick Ass, Hard Target, among many others)

 

Those performances alone are worth a watch. They keep this movie chugging along until the slashy chasey parts kick in. If you settle into the pace and expect something more like a hillbilly Giallo, then it is perfectly fine.  And it does, in fact, play out as more of a whodunnit than a slasher, especially Allport's death scene which is complete with gloved hand inserting sewing needle into skull.  Very Giallo. When the slashy parts do start up they are plenty unsettling and stand up in concept (if not in effects) to any of the other woods-implements slasher monsters out there.  The characters they play are weird and have all kinds of fixations, and so instead of this being "crazed hillbillies kill people" movie, it's much more "crazed city folk bring their shit to the country because you can't just leave your shit behind. You are what you are and no pilgrimage is going to fix you if you aren't willing to deal with your shit honestly so leave the country folk out of it and look in the mirror, jerk!"

It also has a great theme song called "Upstate man" sample lyrics:

"You can't blame upstate folks from getting crazy in the mind,

you buy some land and scratch the earth till midnight moonlight makes you blind.

You miss one payment on the farm, you watch the bank foreclose,

sell it to some city guy who needs help to blow his nose”.

This movie is fantastic and terrible and really really fantastic and I give it a full four "William Gale from RE-ANIMATOR gently stroking a cows tit in an act of seduction before smearing fresh milk on his face and licking a lady" out of a possible four.

Yes, this happens and it is maybe the greatest moment I've ever seen in film.

 

[nate]

What I want to know: Why has Terrachimp lain/laid/line/layeth dormant since Aug '16???