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DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07302015! IF U DNT LK SHLTN BNJMN GO FCK YRSLF.


DEAN

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DRIVERETTE 07302015!

 

God, they just get lumpier- plus blathering about our place in this man's world- wrestling-wise.  (I'll finish editing when I get home.  I sworn.  You may want to hold off  afew hours.)

 

~!~

 

SINGLES GOING STEADY!

 

 

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) YUKO MIYAMOTO vs TATSUHIKO YOSHINO- GUTS WORLD- 7/19/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  Let's review way too many GUTS WORLD matches!  Actually, one review is probably way too many, but the Death Valley Driver Video Review has been around for almost 20 years and we didn't stay in abject obscurity and financial ruin by pandering to what a bunch of wrestling fan WANTS us to review.  We review what you will ONE DAY want to watch!  That's right, sparky!  That means watching lots of crappy wrestling and trying to make the writing about said crappy wrestling amusing-  amusing to ourselves at least.  And really, you gotta bull through the crappy to get to the GOLD.  And you got to have a feeling, deep inside where your soul-heart is,  that there is gold in GUTS.  Maybe not.  Maybe I am typing this so I can delay having to watch a guy who I do not watch in Big Japan in death matches- his specialty- but now have to watch him as he has a straight match.  BUT the key is Tatsuhiko Yoshino.  Is he the great hidden wrestler of GUTS WORLD?  He wrestles in Big Japan and K-Dojo (and whatever STYLE-E and Heat Up are- Goddam, there really is nothing better to do in Germany but list all the results for every Japanese indie no matter how preposterously obscure?  I cannot fight my love for you, Cagematch.net.  Your psychotic Germanness is an inspiration to the entire fucked internet wrestling fan community)- so it isn't like he is in this match because his uncle owns the promotion or something.  As far as I know.  So yes.  Let's watch some GUTS WORLD!  Yoshino is tiny- tiny as it in not taller than Miyamoto.  He has GUTS on his tiny pants so he must be the VANGUARD of GUTS WORLD!  They went out and printed pants with GUTS  across the buttocks- knowing that that is where the ladies of the Island Of Japan will be sneakin' a peak when he is representin' in STYLE-E or Heat Up- not to mention Big Japan, which people like me actually adore- so had bring the goods, wrestling-wise, and I guess buttocks-wise also.  They do a headlock/ head scissors thingy to start off and move into a knuckle lock section and they fuck around for a while more.  It is interesting at this point to wonder what direction this match is headed.  My guess- half assed Junior Heavyweight.   They start running the ropes and Yoshino hits some nice arm drags.  Hmmm, I think this the thrid GUTS match I've reviewed in the last couple days and they all seem to morph into WCW Worldwide matches.  I truly dig that.  Show us how your work a match in a vacuum without story line, stipulations or established heel/face structure at the beginning.  Miyamoto does an even better thing- Worldwide Strong Style-  with the chops to the chest to set up a dropkick to set up a 3/4 Eudy Chinlock into a head scissors.  Miyamoto does the fishhooky Camel Clutch and starts going total pro style with the  double head stomp, the fucking FISTDROP~! and  the chops to the chest.  Yoshino finally starts firing back and he hits a really nice missile dropkick and one wonders if Yoshino wants the NJ Junior match and Miyamoto wanted something stiffer.  Miyamoto sinks in a headlock and it's a really good match structure for this episode of Worldwide- Miyamoto is the established veteran and he is controlling the match with submission attempts.  Yoshino is the up and comer and gets in offense before getting cut off by the veteran.  Miyamoto does a Missile Dropkick off the turnbucle and keeps dropkicking him into the corner before getting two knees to the stomach on his moonsault.  Yoshino does a nice job of rolling through his Crippler Crossface to get Miyamoto away from the rope and he really leans back on it to make it suck for Miyamoto.  Miyamoto throws the ref at Yoshino to break the hold, which is fun.  The finishing sequence is very long and convoluted with lots of Miyamoto using the ref to create all these false finishes which would been really cool if it was executed better, I guess.  Miyamoto hits a really nice Moonsault for two and perfectly fine K-Driller for the win.  I mean, this match is fine.  I was expecting it to suck because I don't like Miyamoto's death matches.  Instead, this was mostly well executed- if not overly stiff.  The story was simple and effective- though it would have been better if Yoshino's offence wasn't so pedestrian.  So, I'm taking away from this that Miyamoto is a perfectly fine low-grade junior heavyweight and that Yoshino is not the GUTS WORLD SUPERWORKER~! that we were all hoping for when they rang the bell.  

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2zdom8_yuko-miyamoto-vs-tatsuhiko-yoshino-guts-world_sport

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATSUSHI KOTOGE vs KATSUHIKO NAKAJIMA-  NOAH SEM- 7/13/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  Hey, I'm finally getting around to watching Atsushi Kotoge.  I know what I'm getting with Katsuhiko Nakajima.  I've pretty much had a thousand chances to watch Kotege.  His matches have ended up in my Watch Later lists- but they always make it the point where I will 300 videos and got to purge everything that know I will never watch.  Of course, if I am blown away here, I can always go back and see what I missed.  Hopefully, that will be the case.  Hmmmmmm.  Nakajima doesn't pound him immediately, instead he goes for the cissypants clean break.  This ain't no Sunday school, creep.  He procures the arm wringer and they do some armwringing for a while until Nakajima decides quit wasting my time and kicks Kotoge in the hamstring really hard, and then he does it again!  And again and again and again!Yeeeaaa!  Nakajima!  I had totally forgotten you!  Kotoge does a sliding senton to the floor to nobody, into a forward roll into a superkick.  Neato.  Still not sold yet though.  They kinda wander around the NOAH SEMatorium and don't actually brawl.  Kotoge gets posted and if he blades HE IS MY NEW BOY.   They do go to the Strong Style I love so much and Kotoge hangs with actual ass-stomper Nakajima with shots to the head.  Kotoge does a really fun Neck-Stretcher 2015 submission before going for the more conventional head scissors submission.   After a rope break, Kotoge gets closer to being one I follow by hitting a beautiful Bionic Elbow and then a 4/4ths Ishikawa headbutt to the face.  That was choice.  He then leans into a kick to the chest.  Kotoge has done many things to endear himself to me.  Nakajima does a nice FRONT CHANCELLORY into a DDT.  But this isn't really about Nakajima, this about if I can start caring about a NOAH junior heavyweight.  Nakajima does hit a nice Lateral Suplex as the moveset of this match is becoming an unconscious Ode to Greg The Hammer Valentine.  They charge at each other and Kotoge hits a really great looking jumping kick to the faceto set-up a Tarantula!  Kotoge is really quick is really good at getting in position to make preposterous things look good- like he does this thing where he forward rolls through the ropes as Nakajima is hitting the ropes and gets up and lands a really nice DIAMOND CUTTER- CRAVATES~!.  But the set-up and execution would be horrendous without the speed and timing.  They do some two count things that were very indie and overly contrived to set up Nakajima to hit a ridiculoulsy nasty spinning kick to the head as Kotoge was climbing the turnbuckle.  Nakajima follows with a running kick to the face in the corner and missile dropkick off the top turnbuckle for two and not hating anything, but I'm also not really getting to emoptionally drawn into the match until they start punching each other in the face in the center of the ring.  I really dig Kotoge's Terry Funk-esque weird ass punches.  Nakajima kicks Kotoge to the ground and Kotoge fires back with a lesser than before headbutt and a toprope plancha and perfectly fine Shining Wizard- man, I thought those would never go away, and I was right.  They run the ropes and bounce around until Nakajima punts Kotoge right in the chin.  They thing do an extended roll-up sequences all hinging on if Nakajima lands his kick or not, but it all leads up to a really nice brainbuster by Nakajim for the win.  I dunno.  I could see digging Kotoge but I didn't see enought of his affense to really get excited about too much.  He should cut out all the kicks where he slaps his thigh and replace them all with headbutts and punches, because they were the best part of GROUND ARSENAL~!  I'm not writing him off, but it will take a couple more matchesw before I'm sold.  

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ylef0_atsushi-kotoge-vs-katsuhiko-nakajima-noah-sem_sport

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SHELTON X BENJAMIN vs TAKASHI SUGIURA- PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 7/18/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  I cannot remember the last Shelton Benjamin match I saw.  I guess his last tagteam run in ROH?  Was that a thing?  Is my memories of wretling mashing up into one giant wad of guys in little pants running the ropes, their faces interchanging each time the bounce off?  Ah, who gives a fuck about the last time I saw anybody.  YOU, the gentle reader want to know if the next Shelton Benjamin match is worth 17 minutes of your time.  It's already worth 17 minutes of my time because it is a vehicle to let you know if it is worth 17 minutes of your time.  My job is to waste time watching wrestling that nobody should watch to label the wrestling as such- or to tell you that you are wasting your time doing whatever you are doing when you are not watching THIS MATCH which to have got watch.  I mean, not this match, which I haven't watched yet- but the idea of a good wrestling match that you need to watch.  That is the TRANSITIN of reviews in the modern age.  A lot of record reviewers have thrown in the towel because who needs reviews when you can listen to it for free?  I almost fell into that trap with wrestling.  Why worry about steering people to or from wrestling that I like and that folks would take my recommendations to heart, when it's all on the internet now/  But then I realized that Roger Ebert had a whole philosophy about movie review being like literary review- in that it was needed to put film in context and compare it with other great works and that writing about film is an actual part of film making like literary criticism is part of literature.  Wrestling, also being art, though the most fucked up of all the art forms, needs the same thing.   Wrestling unanalyzed is wrestling in a vacuum, and art in a vacuum DIES.  Wrestling is awesome so it deserves to live.  So I am the lungs!  LUNGS!.  So here we go.  Takashi Sugiura is becoming one of my favorite wrestlers.  He falls into the type of wrestler I get excited by these days-  Kohei Sato, Yuji Ohabayashi, Tomohiro Iishi- the hateful, the unsexy, the guys who lay it in.  Shelton Benjamin I never had a beef with so I'm going into this pretty positive.  Sugiura has the face that looks like his momma used to wake him up with a shovel to the face.  Okay, Shelton Benjamin does not fear trading forearms to the face with Takashi Sugiura- which surprises me, but here you go.  They take it to the floor, and - this being NOAH, Sugiura throws him into the railing and Benjamin does a different take on the NOAH match staple by spinning over the top.  Well-played!  I am delighted so far.  Sugiura beats on him some more until Benjamin lands a flying elbow over the railing to ringside!  Benjamin is dynamic in this.  God, they beat the hell out of each other some more as Sugiura tries to get in the ring and BEnjamin hits a swanky DIAMOND CUTTER~! to the apron.  Sugiura sells it like death, which wrestling fans applaud.  Benjamin starts working the knee, crushing it against the ringpost and hitting the awesome and nasty Flair Shin-Breaker across the railing- then he throws a second into the rail, thus both have thrown somebody into the rail, thus making this the most NOAH match to ever.  Sugiura sells the kneebar really well before hitting the ropes and the story of the match really kicks in when Benjamin procures the REverse Figure Four.  Benjamin sells the counter- Sugiura punching him dead in the face- hilariously by blinking his eyes really fast.   Okay, this match is fucking awesome.  They stand up and beat each other to death with forearms until Sugiura gets a knee up when Benjamin goes for a lariat off the ropes. Sugiura even re-sells the knee before hitting a full sprint lariat into the corner. Okay, no one will ever confuse Sugiura's selling with Ricky Morton's but I appreciate the idea of the effort.  Hey, Sugiura with a spear!  I thought that would never go away.  Sugiara hits the EVEREST Side Suplex so the knee is totally fine now.  Thoiugh he does acknowledge the knee before standing back up SO I DECLARE THIS TO BE BRILLIANT SUBTLE SELLING!  As long as the last thing you remember seeing after Sugiura going on offense is him acknowledgin the effects of earlier in the match, it's all good.  Benjamin with a roll up into a ANKLE PICK~!  or whatever we call it these days.   Benjamin kicks Sugiura in the chest to escape the ankle lock thingy and then does a fabulous jumping roundhouse kick in the general area of Sugiura head- where upon rewatching, he does land the biggest part of his calf against Sugiura's head, and he might have been flexing his calf muscle so it would be very very hard.  The Olympic Slam FOR TWO!   Sugiura counters with two German Suplexes and they lay around a bit- SELLING!  Kind of as Benjamin sprints to the corner- BUT HE MISSES GETTING TO THE TOP!  An unconscious form of selling!  If he meant it, it would be brilliant, naturalism style selling.  But you and I know he just slipped and popping up.  So the stand in the middle of the ring crush each others faces with forearms until Benjamin hits a Superkick after Sugiura hits the ropes.  Benjamin runs at him and Sugiura hoists him into a backjbreaker AND SELLS THE KNEE!  Goddanm, Sugiura just fucking LATS IT IN and BEANJAMIN FUCKING LAYS IT IN!  Sugiura hits another German and then hits his own Olympic Slam  for the win?  Duurrrn, beaten with your own quasi-finisher!  They are lots of ways you can hem and haw at the little... problems... with this match.  But I cannot begin to think that they would overcome the overall love and enjoyment this match gave me.   

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2z9edc_shelton-x-benjamin-vs-takashi-sugiura-noah_sport

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Your diatribe about being the lungs of pro wrestling was beautiful and far more poetic than anything that obstreperous youth Matt D could muster up.

 

You watch a lot of wrestling I'd have to be paid to watch but I still love reading your reviews.

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