Raw 12-15-14

[MGFanJay]

Opening Jericho banter took 500 fucking years. At least we got Cena-Rollins in a tables match "rematch" in a cage, so not a rematch then and Heyman-Jericho set up in one of three possible no DQ matches so Brock can kill Jericho and Heyman can win. Harper and Show vs. Rowan and Dolph was okay, but man have they killed Rowan dead here. Divas tag was nothing. Highlight Reel was amusing thanks to Lana. Jericho and his literal gradeschool humor can fuck off. Team Black People Who Sure Do Love Them Some Church faced Gold and/or Stardust. CM Punk and NXT were hugely over here. WWE has actually found a way to make fans rebel against their own product with their own product. New Day won and Kofi did his best to get this over.

 

KANE MET WITH ADAM ROSE IN AN AMAZING SEGMENT. He doesn't approve of Rose's freaky friends AND THEIR CONSTANT NOISE! Also, Jimmy Jacobs was a rosebud and glorious too. LOVEDLOVEDLOVED Kane killing Rose and the Bunny. Loved Brock killing Jericho even more. Dug Roman taking out Fandango and Show. The steps barely budged with Show's kick, but clearly he's got about 1,000 pounds of pressure in that kick since they did move. Great stuff here. Miz-Uso was a thing. Cena-Seth was fantastic and far better than their tables match. This had some perfect nearfalls. I thought it could be over with either the AA or the case shot. Loved Brock killing Cena and Seth just being scared shitless. Cena made this whole big point about Seth couldn't pin him, HE GETS A CHANCE TO PIN HIM and doesn't take it - this annoys me. Excellent match though.

 

http://jayreviewsthings.blogspot.com/2014/12/wwe-raw-12-15-14.html

 

Screens - 

 Foolish mortal...

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Zombie Princess as a Rosebud!

 

 

RIP Bunny

 

http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/hc8bwmor9b8zaidro6k94jrtk0i3t77a

[piranesi]

Well, Brock Paul and Seth are my three favorite people in the world right now.  So there's this one thing that I'm kind of cool with.

[Curt McGirt]

WHOOOOOO!!! UNEDITED!

 

Jericho made me want to turn it off but Heyman saved the day. His line "I'm not a wrestler. I'm an advocate." reminded me exactly of the diction of David Carradine at the end of Kill Bill Vol. 2 when he says "I'm a killer. I'm a murdering bastard, and you knew that." Obviously I've seen that film too many times. The two had good repore and I caught them jawing in the corner in a brief shot while Cena and Rollins were going back and forth.

The Divas match didn't last past a piss break. Not joking.

"I... I have a problem." Letting Big E's humor come out is the only thing that's gonna get that gimmick over, so good on them. Unfortunately, most of Detroit was not feeling it. Goldust will still beat the piss out of you though; he was really not letting up on Big E in the corner. So at least there's that.

Ryback/Rusev has to be a Vince wet dream match. Now I'm imagining Ryback giving him his first loss, Rusev shaking his hand and renouncing Russia to the anger of Lana, and skits where Ryback takes them both to Cracker Barrel to teach them the ways of America.

Well that was maybe the fastest F-5 I've ever seen. He just ragdolled Jericho. I would have preferred a couple of Germans first but that's the sadist in me talking. They've built up Lesnar so much that it's gonna have to be a bloodfeast. I don't know, they don't really have any other options. He just looks too strong.

Roman Reigns has good presence and I'm glad he didn't really talk this time. I love his hair, and it's also weird seeing Steve Austin with long blonde hair! Not as good a mane as Bill Dundee is sporting oh shit wait... wrong show. (Hey, why does Dr. Tom sound just like Roddy Piper?)

I think the tiny Slammy Mizdow is carrying is a nice touch. Everything else about that match -- especially Cole telling Mizdow to take his bump -- was awful. I got a whiff of an Usos breakup already and it turned my stomach.

Your WWE Cage Match is your WWE Cage Match. They never mentioned the #1 contendership to be at stake so there really is nothing at stake at all, it's just a televised dark main. Rollins' knees look like shit but he will bump big for you. Goddammit they even do the cage door slammed on the head and it is clear in the replay that it barely grazed Cena's shoulder. Fucking overblown to the max, full of the same shit you always see but more kickouts and escape attempts until the inevitable happens. Did they really have to wait that long? Hey, there's those Germans I wanted to see. The New Stooges' enthusiasm is funny, and Rollins comes off as even more as a weasel, but if they really wanted to underline it Heyman would have picked up the briefcase and walked off. Otherwise it's a WWE Cage Match and unless you are also a big fan, not much to see here in the way of excitement or anything new.

 

Brought to you by Milwaukee's Best Ice! IT'S THE BEAST! (apologies to Mr. Lesnar)

[Big Fresh]

Is that Scarlett Bourdeaux? I think so.

[piranesi]

You know how when Jerry Seinfeld ruined his suede jacket after he had already given his leather jacket to Kramer, so he had to fall all the way back to his sad high school letterman's jacket?

Well now we know that Jericho's third fallback jacket is a combination Bon Jovi 1994 Crossroad tour replica jacket and a scarf from the "One of Rod Stewart's Wives Drew These Patterns Up On A Post-It" collection at Sears.
 

[ebbie]

Went out on a date instead of watching Raw. I feel like the reason for Kidd and Nikk's back and forth on Twitter was the only thing I really missed..

[mco543]

I never ever want to see Chris Jericho on WWE television again. There are no words that I can use to accurately describe how absolutely terrible he was tonight.

 

Other than that, seeing Jimmy Jacobs as a Rosebud while Seth Rollins was main eventing and beating Cena in a cage match was kind of amazing.

[piranesi]

"PRIVATE RUSEV!  WHY IS CHRIS JERICHO IN MY RING DANCING AROUND LIKE A DILDO AND RIDICULING MY LANA???"

 

PRIVATE RUSEV!  WHY ARE YOU NOT STOMPING CHRIS JERICHO'S GUTS OUT????

"Sir, the Private must inform you that Chris Jericho is a babyface and in the WWE is locked and loaded to say and do whatever the fuck he wants while the impotent heel stands there and stares, SIR!"

"Somebody get me outa this chicken shit outfit"

"SIR, WRONG MOVIE, SIR!!!"

[Overly Critical Man]

And that's why Kane will never wear out his welcome with me. 

[JRGoldman]

Jimmy Jacobs not having to dress any different for his stint as a rosebud was the absolute best thing about this show.

Chris Jericho is the Adam Sandler of wrestling.

[piranesi]

Big Show sold the Superman Punch exactly the same way I sell hitting my little toe on that one wheel that sticks out from under the corner of my bed frame.

 

God, I hate that fucking thing and it owns me hard.

[hammerva]

Jimmy Jacobs not having to dress any different for his stint as a rosebud was the absolute best thing about this show.

Chris Jericho is the Adam Sandler of wrestling.

 

Oh come on now.  

 

Chris Jericho is the Adam Sandler  AND Dane Cook of wrestling  

[Greggulator]

That cage match ruled. I thought that was one of the better WWE cage matches in memory. So great. Cena and Rollins are really great foils. Cena's strength and Seth's insane athleticism match well. The table match gimmick completely took that away from them last night.

I loved the angle and the logic behind it. You can see everyone's wheel working.

ROLLINS: He doesn't have to worry about Brock murdering him, he has the greatest manager of all-time now doling out his wisdom, he's now close to Brock and can attack at the absolute perfect moment.

LESNAR: He can keep this little sneak on a leash/Rollins can do his dirty work when he's not there.

HEYMAN: He keeps Rollins under his thumb/gets to manage the champion after he engineers the backstab of all backstabs.

[Nice Guy Eddie]

Seth Rollins could have used Jimmy Jacobs talking for him again tonight.

Raw always feels like a bigger deal when Brock is around and it's great watching Brock throw Jericho and Cena around.

[nate]

Jimmy Jacobs not having to dress any different for his stint as a rosebud was the absolute best thing about this show.

Chris Jericho is the Adam Sandler of wrestling.

Happy Gilmore Sandler or Click Sandler?

Or ... dare I ask ... Ze Stud Boy Sandler?

[piranesi]

Rosa Mendez is the least coordinated human being I've ever seen.  She can barely manage to stand in that one spot in the middle of the ring and not fall down during that entrance.

 

And Fandango says "Slammy" like "Slimey" and it was pissing me off:

 

"I heard you were looking for your slimey!"

[Overly Critical Man]

 

Must we keep up this charade, Chris?

[NintendoLogic]

So you've got Ryback and Rusev, two guys who can't really afford to be taking losses. What do you do? Have them feud with each other, of course! Jesus, this fucking company never learns.

Also, I literally cannot remember the last time a WWE cage match didn't have some kind of outside interference. You know, the very thing a steel cage was designed to prevent. Regardless, hopefully being a Paul Heyman Guy will work out better for Rollins than it did for Ryback, Axel, and Cesaro.

[piranesi]

WWE PROMOTIONAL CONTENT SUCCESS STORY #1:

 

WWE WORLDWIDE ENTERTAINMENT INC. is proud to announce that it's highly anticipated and star-studded Holiday classic, JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2 has been secured to an exclusive distribution deal insuring that it will only be available in the highly competitive market of:

 

 

Vestigial Bus Station waiting room Pay TV cubicles

 

Where it can be yours for just $.50 per quarter hour, coins only.

[caley]

 

RIP Bunny

 

http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/hc8bwmor9b8zaidro6k94jrtk0i3t77a

I thought we agreed on no more sexy shots!

[HumanChessgame]

I say this as someone who holds Chris Jericho in my top ten of all time - he just needs to pack it in.  The opening back and forth with Heyman was amusing and much better than an authority segment, but fuck did it go on forever.  His sophmoric attempts at humor didn't help matters either.  If they're going to keep him around then please give him a lame middle aged dad gimmick, since that's exactly what he looks like.

 

Already calling a Rollins face turn.

[piranesi]

WHERE DOES SHE COME UP WITH THESE IDEARS< MAHN????

 

 

WWE WORLDWIDE ENTERTAINMENT INC. Is Thrilled to announce a new, innovative and NEver BEFORE THOUGHT OF BEFORE THING where Stephanie had this totally original idea about marketing a fitness program to wrestling fans and basing it on

 

- being positive

- taking small steps toward fitness

- gradually changing your attitude and life!

- all achieved with easy to follow low impact workouts led by a charismatic wrestling personality!!!!

WHERE DOES SHE COME UP WITH THOSE IDEARS??!?!?!?!

 

BANG!

[Curt McGirt]

Gregg works for WWE as a writer and we should all just get it out in the open. It's far too obvious. 

 

I was too busy looking at the female Rosebuds to even notice lil' ol' Jimmy Jacobs. Maybe if I happen to hit the Spanish replay on Mun2 I can catch him in the act!

 

God, a date, even a bad one, would have been better than this.

[jstout]

All I want for Christmas is for Noble to be outside the ring stooging it up when there suddenly comes a hand on the back of his jacket and snags him up. It's Nidia. "You told me you were gonna watch the baby tonight, damn you, it's girls' night out," and drags him off.

 

Tonight was the first night I thought Reigns could work out, but it's gonna be tricky - the less he says, the better off he is. Can a face build a high-level Wrestlemania match in five words or less?

[ebbie]

 

Must we keep up this charade, Chris?

 

 

I've never noticed how actually big Jericho's head is before.