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3 hours ago, Casey said:

I had an ablation on my heart this morning. They put me under, went up through my groin to my heart with catheters, gave me adrenaline to induce arrhythmia and then burned the spots where it appeared. Unexpectedly I had a second spot, when most people only have one, so they zapped that one too.

The hole(s) they left hurt so fuckin’ much and it hurts to even walk really, but the hard and scary parts are over with. Now I just have to heal up. From what the doctor says, the ablation supposedly fixes this issue so no more 260 beats per minute attacks.

Bedridden for two days, and oh thank god for streaming services and my SteamDeck.

Best wishes xxx.

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Having an overly heavy period for almost 3 weeks left me with a blood count of 5.2 (normal is 11 - 12), so another 28 hour visit to the hospital and four units of blood. So on top of the blood thinners and blood pressure meds, we've added an iron supplement and progesterone pills.

Good news is that I've been connected to the GYN office that handles their reduced payment plan patients and have appointments made that I've been putting off for a few years (yeah yeah yeah).

Bad news is that hospital beds still suck, and I've tweaked my shoulder a little bit. Hopefully warm packs and rest should fix it up.

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14 hours ago, JLSigman said:

Having an overly heavy period for almost 3 weeks left me with a blood count of 5.2 (normal is 11 - 12), so another 28 hour visit to the hospital and four units of blood. So on top of the blood thinners and blood pressure meds, we've added an iron supplement and progesterone pills.

Good news is that I've been connected to the GYN office that handles their reduced payment plan patients and have appointments made that I've been putting off for a few years (yeah yeah yeah).

Bad news is that hospital beds still suck, and I've tweaked my shoulder a little bit. Hopefully warm packs and rest should fix it up.

Been thinking about you, Jen. Virtual hugs xxx.

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Sitting in the ER with my wife who fell and broke her leg this morning and got a text from my aunt, who has cancer and with thom we had dinner last night, that she tested positive for COVID.

So, yeah, not great, Bob.

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12 minutes ago, Zimbra said:

Sitting in the ER with my wife who fell and broke her leg this morning and got a text from my aunt, who has cancer and with thom we had dinner last night, that she tested positive for COVID.

So, yeah, not great, Bob.

Fuck. Best wishes to you, your wife on a speedy recovery from the broken leg and to your aunt with cancer/coronavirus xxx.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/31/2022 at 5:30 PM, The Natural said:

Thought it was time for an update. Long read.

After telling my Dad and Sister about having suicidal thoughts for the first time, that was a huge moment as I'd kept it from them for ages because I didn't want to cause worry/upset. Takes a lot to open up to someone as I've had good and bad experiences doing so. I knew Dad/Laura would be there for me as my much missed Mum would.

My Dad/Laura thought I could do with speaking to a doctor that week preferably my assigned one, Dr. Jundi. Thing is she's hard to get appointments for and I wasn't able. I spoke to Dr. Markey who thought I needed switching antidepressants so Dr. Jundi did in September. Full disclosure, I'm not the best with medications going from thinking they're not working to wanting something different. Depression is an illness of highs and lows. I was taken off Trazodone to Fluoextine. I tried preserving with it even though I was getting muscle twitches and singles down my limbs. I had a really bad three days and by chance I spoke to Dr. Gupta my long term pain specialist who thought it was Serotonin Syndrome. Serotonin Syndrome sucks. Got an emergency doctors appointment to be put back on Trazodone in December. I will say I miss the buzz of the first few weeks back on it and March of this year. That buzz hasn't come back but I seem to be better on Trazodone than others. One was great, Venlafaxine but had to stop taking it as it messed with my heart.

Dr Jundi wanted me to try My Wellbeing College again but I was reluctant to having the bad experience with Ben. I started my therapy with Rebecca on the 1st of November, 6 sessions. I liked Rebecca, thought I was making progress...and then came my fourth session with her on the 20th of December going in a direction I didn't expect. Rebecca felt she wasn't helping me and I can't move to the next step, step 3 with someone else despite me doing all but one of the things she's given me to do outside our sessions. The one thing I forgot cost me. I said to Rebecca that it feels like my openness, honesty and progress was getting put to one side over reliance of a questionnaire score, hate those damn things. Didn't take Batman, the World's Greatest Detective to figure out how upset I was. What's disappointed me with Rebecca more than Ben and other healthcare professionals is that I clicked with her as noted felt my progress was looked over by that stupid scoring system. It's the "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" from your family kind of feeling. As noted earlier, when you have a bad experience confusing such secrets, it puts you off and you can't row back on it.

It's the most I've been upset talking to a healthcare professional on the phone in five years, even when upset I was still polite. Rebecca must have been concerned how our conversation ended as First Response rang me twice afterwards while I was asleep with one saying it had come from My Wellbeing. Always put off ringing First Response for years but did the next day to tell them I'm okay. Least I could do. Call from Jacqui O'Riordan went good, she sides with me over Rebecca. I'd have really gone to town with the self-harm because I was so distressed but didn't mainly because I wanted to and I very rarely say this, stick it to someone. Rebecca rang me back the next day saying I can go to the next step but there's a wait. I never forget when someone has hurt me, I find it hard to forget. I've written a letter to Dr. Jundi this week letting her know before my appointment this Thursday.

I need to get back to the healthy eating and exercise again. Done little of both due to depression and physically I'm in consistent pain. Weight gain through the medication and poor food choices as well. I was stunned when my neurologist told me having Cerebral Palsy, my body has to work four times harder doing the same thing as someone who doesn't. Right taken aback when I heard that. I'm so stiff. The spasms.

Mental health issues, depression and grief, your thoughts and feelings in mind. Please keep this to the board only and not on Facebook. Only the board, my Dad, Sister, Adam and Alyson know the true extent about the self-harm/suicidal thoughts. I trust you too.

Thank you, Paul xxx.

Been a really rough few weeks with the depression particularly this Tuesday/Wednesday not helped with technology issues and especially Dad/Laura having loud arguments constantly. Thought I'd have to ring First Response on Wednesday, it was that bad. My body aches with the Cerebral Palsy also. Had a mental health S-H relapse.

Dr Jundi, my doctor told me she's pregnant and I'm really chuffed for her. It's going to be different when Dr Jundi goes on leave because I've spoken to her every month since October 2019. Dr Wright from 2011-2019 before she left. I know at some point I'll have to go at it without healthcare help and that makes me nervous.

Been seeing Deborah at My Wellbeing College who does a blend of counseling/CBT, the latter I've had to try to jump through hoops to get despite Dr. Gupta/Dr. Wright/Dr. Jundi all say that's what I need. Takes a lot to open up to someone and for the confidant to hear such things. Once something's said, you can't bottle it back up. Depression sucks, a daily battle of the brain.

Provisionally signed up to a gym scheme as one is 15 minutes away from my house but I have to have my induction elsewhere as I'm a level 4. I asked if it could be at Shipley explaining I don't travel well with the CP but no. Going to make it clear I'm going to the site of my induction once for that reason. Don't like Megan who I'm assigned to at BEEP either. Disinterested and looks a mixture of Mick Hucknall/Rebekah Brooks I can't unsee. I'll see if I go through with it.

I just love, miss, pine my loved ones I've lost. My much missed Mum, my Grandad who was like a second Dad to me, Lisa/GG, my pets particularly all three dogs: Tess, Rayven, Ralfie. Feel like a failure at things as well but that's the depression disease talking.

Thanks for reading xxx.

Edited by The Natural
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Natural, are you currently on any anti-depressants? I've been on Lexapro for 7 years, it's like night and day. No more voices in my head telling me that everyone hates me and wants to hurt me and that I should just beat them to it and put a bullet through my head, no more hiding in the bathroom at work to bawl my eyes out over a minor setback, stuff like that.

Much love and well-deserved peace to you.

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On 2/5/2023 at 5:31 PM, The Comedian said:

Natural, are you currently on any anti-depressants? I've been on Lexapro for 7 years, it's like night and day. No more voices in my head telling me that everyone hates me and wants to hurt me and that I should just beat them to it and put a bullet through my head, no more hiding in the bathroom at work to bawl my eyes out over a minor setback, stuff like that.

Much love and well-deserved peace to you.

Amitriptyline and Trazodone are the anti-depressants. Trazodone works great the first two weeks, shame you can't bottle that up for the rest. Amitriptyline been decreased giving me headaches.

Thank you for opening up about your mental health, I so can identify with what you said. Further thanks for the much love and well-deserved peace, I hope to find that. Thanks to JL Sigman, gatling, you, twiztor, NikoBaltimore and Shartnado liking my post. Conscious too that I don't sound like on repeat detailing my mental/physical difficulties with the Cerebral Palsy when everyone here has their own things going on, not needing mine alongside. 

It's been difficult this week which is why I haven't replied sooner sorting out Mum's belongings properly since losing her nine years this June giving some of her clothes to charity. Really emotional. Years ago I got rid of some jumpers Mum knit as they were too big for me having lost all the weight I had. I wasn't to know what was to happen to Mum. Hindsight is so not a wonderful thing. It's a right bitch. Regretted it ever since and always will. I've found two cardigans my Mum knit her Dad, my Grandad today. My Grandad was like a second Dad to me which fit me so that was a most moving moment.

Been talking to a new counselor called Deborah the last few weeks. Hope it doesn't go tits up like the last who really upset and let me down.

Mental illness is really difficult, depression and fighting your mind, your thoughts daily. The self-harme and suicidal thoughts. Just have to cancel out the downers and carry on fighting the good fight. We can be our own harshest critic. I can identify with Robin Williams: "I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anybody else to feel like that". There's two quotes I go by, the first by far from my late great Mum who said: "As long as you try your best, that's all that counts." The second: "When there's love, there's hope but a little luck wouldn't hurt" from Batman: The Animated Series.

Thanks for reading and the support. This community is the best. Paul xxx.

Edited by The Natural
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Haven’t been on the site for a couple months, so probably a good time for an update.

Still have stage 4 lung cancer.  Finished my fourth round of chemo on Jan 31.  On Tuesday, I go in for a scan then meet with my oncologist.  If the scans look good, I am done with chemo for the time being and will continue on with immunotherapy (Keytruda) every three weeks.  If something alarming shows up on the scan, we will continue with chemotherapy.  Scans I had done six weeks ago looked encouraging, so my oncologist isn’t expecting to order more chemo for me, but it all depends on how Tuesday morning goes.  I’ll probably end up going in every three weeks for Keytruda for the next two years, but Keytruda doesn’t have the severe side effects chemo does.

Survived four rounds of chemo so far.  First two rounds were tolerable and I was able to keep going to my office and doing a little bit around the house.  I was zonked out for a couple days but bounced back reasonably well.  Third and fourth rounds just kicked my ass.  Not only tired, but fatigued.   Deep, all-consuming fatigue.  Driving tired me out.  Standing tired me out.  I stayed home and slept more.  I’ve been constantly tired the past few months, which I can handle, but the fatigue is something else.  Even thinking about doing something takes so much effort.  

Nausea hasn’t been too bad.  They have decent drugs for that now.  I’ve lost very little weight.  Had some bad go-rounds with muscle aches, but those bouts were few and far-between.  Hicupped for almost two days straight at the beginning.  Side effect of the steroid I am on for my immune system.  Had to take something for that too.

Family and friends have been great.  People constantly offer to do things for me, give me rides, bring me food.  I turned everyone down almost every single time.  I have done tons of stuff I had no energy for but did it anyway.  Drove myself to work, went to birthday parties, did chores around the house.  People keep asking me if I’m up to this stuff and I want to scream at them “are you insane?  I may collapse with one more step.”.  I can understand why people stay in and curl up and wait for chemo to be over, but it’s not me.  There will be plenty of time later for friends and family to figure out what life looks like without me around.  No one needs a preview now.  I am determined to hobble through this best I can.  I am very much my father’s son, lol.

Stayed caught up at work better than I hoped.  I have good people who rose to the occasion and covered my slack.  I don’t have the sort of job where I can just take time off or get a replacement.  And…. We all care about the company.  Obviously, I don’t have a lot of young people working for me, lol.

Made partner.  We’ve been talking about that for while with very little being done, but either someone finally lit a partner under the partnership's collective ass or, more likely, they.’re trying to see to it that my wife is comfortable financially after….. I have that taken care of, I think, but I appreciate the gesture.  Also, we are very profitable these days.  I’m hoping we grow large enough to attract the attention of one of the mega corps in our field snd they buy us up and make most everyone in the place damn wealthy.  That.’s my goal from here on in: get us bought out before something happens to me.  I’ve always been goal-oriented, so trying to race ahead of deadlines is old hat to me.

Ok, enough for now.  Getting tired and wife wants to watch a movie. 

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On 2/20/2023 at 3:45 PM, twiztor said:

goddamn, @Mario. i feel for you, but am glad you continue to push through it (and to use it as a motivator). i hope everything looks good tomorrow morning. 

Scans were encouraging.  Spots on my lungs are slightly smaller.  No growth or new spots/tumors/nodules.  No further spread.  Chemo is over,  I’ve going to go in once every three weeks for the next two years for Immunotherapy.  Only takes 30-40 minutes, but the oncologist is in another state two hours away.  My choice.  We live in a college town with a well-respected cancer center as part of the university hospital, but when I was first diagnosed nine years ago, we decided to go out of state.  Local docs wanted to simply remove my right lung.  Doc we went with removed 2 lobes of right lung, but saved part of it.  It’s much easier to live a mostly normal life with 1.5 lungs than it is with 1.0.  Fun fact: the surgery to remove an entire lung is fairly straightforward compared to the surgery to cut out part of a lung.  Removing the lung would have taken two hours.  Removing half my lung took almost 14 hours.  And then I started chemo.

Anyway, situation looks to be improving,  I’m not expecting too much from the future, so we’ll see where this goes.

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Work news:  One of my appeals was granted Oral Arguments in the 7th Court of Appeals.  A first for me!  Extraordinarily rare.  Even the appeals I've won weren't granted oral arguments, and ones I've lost that were published and had a pretty detailed dissent did not have oral arguments, so this is all pretty neat. 

It's "real lawyer shit" is what I've been told.  Funny thing is my wife helps me so much with all the appeals (because she understands the law way better than me -- I'm a mouthpiece), she's the real lawyer. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Great day today. Watched Creed III with my Dad and Aje who is a brother to me. Aje came up today and tomorrow for my birthday. Recommend Creed III to y'all. From there we went to see Liverpool vs. Manchester United at the pub. Missed the first goal as we were at the cinema but not the 6 that followed. So surreal. Following that we had a great curry eating in Shimla Spice. Curry is my favourite food. Meeting Aje for full English tomorrow before he heads home.

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On 3/5/2023 at 9:53 PM, The Natural said:

Great day today. Watched Creed III with my Dad and Aje who is a brother to me. Aje came up today and tomorrow for my birthday. Recommend Creed III to y'all. From there we went to see Liverpool vs. Manchester United at the pub. Missed the first goal as we were at the cinema but not the 6 that followed. So surreal. Following that we had a great curry eating in Shimla Spice. Curry is my favourite food. Meeting Aje for full English tomorrow before he heads home.

Great birthday on the 6th of March. For presents:

  • A Batman: The Animated Series sweatshirt made up of nearly all the characters from 1993-1995.
  • Bryan Danielson's first AEW merchandise, I got the last in my size. 
  • A Batman: The Animated Series Ultimate Guidebook.
  • A Batman USB charger stand.
  • A Brother bracelet and largers.

The day started with AEW Revolution 2023. I met Aje for a Wetherspoons breakfast before he set off home. I was sad seeing him go. I had some big crying spells mourning my marvellous much missed Mum but didn't resort to what I sometimes do. As Shimla Spice doesn't open on the Monday as I usually have a takeaway tea for my birthday, we brought that forward 24 hours. Curry is my favourite food. I had homemade lasagne yesterday and right enjoyed it. Thanks to those taking the time to wish me a happy birthday. Most appreciated. Love, Paul xxx. 

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Edited by The Natural
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I decided to quit smoking weed after about seven years of constant (and around 10+ years of on and off use) last week and I am feeling so proud of myself. Unfortunately, the side effects of me quitting have been a big lack of appetite (shouldn't always smoke before you eat), insomnia, and some anxiety here and there as well as a little shaking. Currently going on day seven right now, but I knew I had a problem and needed to stop. I've always been an advocate for marijuana and still am for that matter - but I realized that I was addicted and to the point where I felt like I would always need a to be high just to feel normal. Not exactly something I'm "proud" of, but quitting it definitely is something I'm proud of. Honestly, I ever wondered if this day would come but I just felt the time was right. After this, I plan on kicking the nicotine pouches that I use down the road and really getting everything straightened.

Since I quit smoking, I've also been drinking LOADS of water which is something I never did. It would always be a Snapple or a lemonade, maybe a soda - but rarely ever water. Back in the fall I decided to also go back to school since I was terrible at it my first go around 14+ years ago now (how does time fly by so quickly when you get older)
and finished with a 4.0 GPA and am still maintaining that this semester, so I'm trying to right all the wrongs I've done for myself and man do I feel some of the most gratification and satisfaction I have in a while. Might be getting some natural dopamine here soon! Just wanted to share with my pals here as I haven't been posting too much recently.
 

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20 hours ago, Red King said:

More Bank failures and risk of contagion in USA. Investors won't be protected said Biden, only customers will be protected.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/03/13/thats-how-capitalism-works-biden-says-of-svb-signature-bank-investors-who-lost-money-in-failed-banks.html

I was reading comments on a reddit thread on this and someone who apparently works in Silicon Valley wrote a long reply stating that this kind of bank was necessary because, in his company's case, traditional banks wouldn't give them a loan because their business model was such that they'd have no AP for customers until some long period after the customer signed on.  Like the period between someone onboarding with their service and paying them was maybe nine months.  But SVB could value them on their contracts instead of their payables and give them a loan that other banks wouldn't. 

Now look, I'm not Economics Jones here, but it really sounds like this was a bank that specialized in risky loans and it bit them on the ass.

Edited by Technico Support
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1 hour ago, Technico Support said:

Now look, I'm not Economics Jones here, but it really sounds like this was a bank that specialized in risky loans and it bit them on the ass.

That is in fact exactly what happened. And even worse, they made a really bad bet on interest rates changing and when they didn't, they started losing their customers' money. It basically sounded like the galaxy brained idiots at the bank thought they could short the interest rates changing and it wound up tanking their entire bank.

It's almost like 2008 never existed and no lessons were ever learned.

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8 minutes ago, Craig H said:

That is in fact exactly what happened. And even worse, they made a really bad bet on interest rates changing and when they didn't, they started losing their customers' money. It basically sounded like the galaxy brained idiots at the bank thought they could short the interest rates changing and it wound up tanking their entire bank.

It's almost like 2008 never existed and no lessons were ever learned.

Also, a SVB rep was lobbying very recently for restrictions put in place due to the 2008 bullshit to be eased.  Like seriously, guys?

You watch the news and it's all doom and gloom about the sky falling and how this is some kind of indicator of a possible larger collapse (because that's what the news does) when really, this is the case of a bank that ignored best practices in their industry, tried to get rid of regulations, and just did whatever they felt like.

 

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20 minutes ago, Technico Support said:

You watch the news and it's all doom and gloom about the sky falling and how this is some kind of indicator of a possible larger collapse (because that's what the news does) when really, this is the case of a bank that ignored best practices in their industry, tried to get rid of regulations, and just did whatever they felt like.

 

That's my take. I'm a die hard supporter of WaPo and NYT (despite their history of war mongering and other bullshit), but the way they've ran with inducing panic over this is making me question keeping my subscriptions to both.

They're lucky I have a million things going on and will just forget to cancel those subscriptions like I always do.

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