What are the WORST films you have seen?

[Newb82]

I don't think Ft13th 3-D is THAT bad and I do think that V Is watchable if you think of it as a Scooby Doo episode with tits and a body count, but I do appreciate the hate for JGTH. Also, for III you missed the hispanic hippies that looked 30-something but were also meant to be teenagers.

I just remembered my worst recent in-theatre experience: THE DEVIL INSIDE.

[Death From Above]

I would never argue that Battlefield: Earth is anything but horrible, but I find it entertainingly so. Probably my favourite truly bad movie to watch once a year and just riff on it/laugh at how utterly absurd it is. Travolta alone is an endless parade of comedy, but... man. The whole thing. It's just amazing that it actually happened.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

Thank you for spoiler tagging man, much appreciated.

[Burgundy LaRue]

You hate ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE? Get bent, jerk.**  Where's my chainsaw when I need it?

 

 

**Said in jest, but honestly, MANDY LANE isn't nearly that bad.

[piranesi]

If I write as many words as he did about why Friday the 13th 3 rules can we have a poll about who is right?Plus, five is hilarious, come ahnnnnnnn

 

 

The hillbilly family in V are spectacular.  So are the two guys near the beginning who are supposed to be "street toughs" but who are obviously two young probably theater kids dressed up like 1950s-era gang members/mimes (complete with those ridiculous leather caps that hoods used to wear in like Coleman Francis movies) trying to strut around and look mean...their arms are like twigs and they both look to be way more at home in glee club.

 

Fantastic.

 

Part 3 scared me to death when I first saw it as a kid mainly for that last scene where the last girl is in the boat and sees Jason looking out the window of the barn.  When he spots her and comes running through the door...I just about wet myself.

 

It was one of those "He's still really far away from you...but you're still dead.  Like, it just hasn't hit you yet...so you get a couple of minutes to wonder about what he's going to do to you" moments.  I also love the amazingly intricate shack/general store that the two upstate hicks live in during the opening sequence.  That place is like a hobo's palace.

[Newb82]

Oh, forgot to mention that TEETH sounds like someone got high, watched CLERKS II, and decided the awful "Pillow Pants" scene that dragged the movie to a screeching hault was a great idea that needed it's own movie, then modified the idea slightly to avoid being sued.

[Newb82]

Also, if you have appreciation for the FRIDAY THE 13TH series at all, I cannot recommend the book CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES highly enough, even if the book itself is huge and unwieldy.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

 

If I write as many words as he did about why Friday the 13th 3 rules can we have a poll about who is right?Plus, five is hilarious, come ahnnnnnnn

 

Part 3 scared me to death when I first saw it as a kid mainly for that last scene where the last girl is in the boat and sees Jason looking out the window of the barn.  When he spots her and comes running through the door...I just about wet myself.

 

It was one of those "He's still really far away from you...but you're still dead.  Like, it just hasn't hit you yet...so you get a couple of minutes to wonder about what he's going to do to you" moments.

 

Ha when I was like, ten maybe I saw a trailer for Are You Afraid Of The Dark or Goosebumps or something on tv, and it had these kids staring out of a window watching someone in the next house over transform into a werewolf. Never even saw the episode and yet for weeks I'd have nightmares about that fucking werewolf finishing the transformation and then just looking straight at me through the windows.

[piranesi]

The worst part is how happy Jason looks, his cute mangled face peeking through the little round window, when he sees her...so happy.

 

Windows are the fucking worst.  If you are outside of a building or room, just be content in your separateness from whatever horrific shit is contained therein. 

 

And if you are inside a buidling or room.  Most likely the reason that structure exists is to mask your presence from the horrors of nature and/or supernature outside. 

 

We put in the time and effort to upgrade from thatch huts precisely because of werewolves and jasons and shit...and then we go and fuck it all up with little "awareness prisms"..."Hi, out there...oh, you actually don't like me? oooooh, you want to kill me?  ooops."

 

Idiots.

[APO]

I'll go with Catwoman, but FF: The Spirits Within is giving it a serious run for it's money. 

[Jingus]

The thing is, I really can't laugh at most shitty horror movies, because I want to MAKE horror movies.  I take the genre very damn seriously, and have zero patience or sympathy for all the fucking hacks out there who seem to have a "who cares if it's good, it's just a scary movie, it ain't Shakespeare" attitude of intellectual laziness towards the whole thing.  Fuck ALL of that.  Horror films can be just as artistically beautiful, just as deeply intelligent, just as emotionally devastating, just as all-around-great as movies from any other genre.  But the talentless assholes who make 90% of horror films (and many of the undemanding Fangoria-type fanboys who are happy to pay for anything as long as it's got blood and tits) are a millstone around the genre's neck, forever helping to keep it in Hollywood's dirty ignored ghetto.  

 

So a bad horror film, or even a mediocre one, doesn't entertain me.  (Unless we're talking about something like Birdemic, but stuff like the lousier Friday the 13th movies aren't nearly bad enough to be that good.)  It just makes me angry and depressed, like I'm a modern wrestling trainee who looks at "his business" and sees nothing but a sea of non-working backyard wannabes, performing their shitty cosplay spots in front of ever-dwindling houses.  

 

You hate ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE?  Get bent, jerk.**  Where's my chainsaw when I need it?

 

 

**Said in jest, but honestly, MANDY LANE isn't nearly that bad.

And if there's anything I dislike more than a formulaic slasher, it's a formulaic slasher that tries to hit me with "clever" plot twists that I saw coming about sixteen, maybe seventeen miles away.  Yeah, the acting and production values in Mandy Lane were way better than in your average early-80s generic Dead Teenager flick, but that's just the icing, not the cake.  And I thought All The Boys... was some pretty goddamn rancid cake.  Especially when it trotted out a lot of the same old slasher cliches that we've seen far too many times, right in the middle of pretending it was doing something different.  (Which is also one of many reasons that I should never start ranting about the Scream franchise or else I'll never stop.)  

 

 Oh, forgot to mention that TEETH sounds like someone got high, watched CLERKS II, and decided the awful "Pillow Pants" scene that dragged the movie to a screeching hault was a great idea that needed it's own movie, then modified the idea slightly to avoid being sued.

 

That wasn't the exact case; Teeth was at least in the middle of shooting when Clerks II was first screened at Cannes, if not already completed. They both come from the same psychological place, a mix of old mythological stories about monstrous women and Freudian theories about men's castration anxiety.  

 

Also, if you have appreciation for the FRIDAY THE 13TH series at all, I cannot recommend the book CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES highly enough, even if the book itself is huge and unwieldy.

 

I would, if... I hadn't literally tonight listened to the guy who wrote that book host a commentary track for the original Friday the 13th, and it was fucking terrible.  A marathon of the filmmakers constantly sucking their own cocks about how brilliant they are, frequently making outrageously dumb statements ("It's good that Sean Cunningham openly brags about just wanting money and not giving a shit about art, and it's even better this movie's characters are so flat, shallow, and lifeless that they don't even qualify as stereotypes and you don't give a fuck if they live or die!") and sometimes degenerating into outright lies. 

 

We put in the time and effort to upgrade from thatch huts precisely because of werewolves and jasons and shit...and then we go and fuck it all up with little "awareness prisms"..."Hi, out there...oh, you actually don't like me? oooooh, you want to kill me?  ooops."

True, but it can be overdone in some films.  Here I must glare sternly at the Scream franchise again: why do ALL of these movies happen in these gigantic mansions that seem like they're almost ENTIRELY made out of glass?  And let's not even get into the goddamn 13 Ghosts remake...

 

I'll go with Catwoman, but FF: The Spirits Within is giving it a serious run for it's money. 

APO... AlwaysPissedOff, izzat you?  And Catwoman would totally be on my list here, if my "review" for that one wasn't like two sentences long.  

[Newb82]

A good portion of CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES is people who helped make the movies shitting on them.

I do agree that the commentary track in question is terrible.

I also don't like the Sean S. Cunningham "roller coaster" theory of horror. It's probably why, as one of the investors in the original Ft13th noted in the book, he never made a notable movie after that.

[Elsalvajeloco]

I would never argue that Battlefield: Earth is anything but horrible, but I find it entertainingly so. Probably my favourite truly bad movie to watch once a year and just riff on it/laugh at how utterly absurd it is. Travolta alone is an endless parade of comedy, but... man. The whole thing. It's just amazing that it actually happened.

I was waiting for Barry Pepper and Forest Whitaker to be choppered out of the movie. It's just so great that Travolta thought his character was going to be so awesome.

 

The worst non-Tyler Perry urban (urban meaning black) genre movies have to be Gang of Roses and Gang of Roses 2. A close third would be Hot Boyz (written AND directed by Master P). My favorite scene is when Clifton Powell is tossed/falls off a tall building and they cut to a falling white stunt double who is clearly in brown facepaint/makeup. Oh my god, that was amazing. It would have been first but the zaniness of Gary Busey counteracts a lot of the awfulness. Fourth and fifth would the State Property movies. Hot garbage.

[Jingus]

A good portion of CRYSTAL LAKE MEMORIES is people who helped make the movies shitting on them.I do agree that the commentary track in question is terrible.I also don't like the Sean S. Cunningham "roller coaster" theory of horror. It's probably why, as one of the investors in the original Ft13th noted in the book, he never made a notable movie after that.

Well, alrighty then... (adds to Amazon wishlist)

[APO]

I'll go with Catwoman, but FF: The Spirits Within is giving it a serious run for it's money. 

APO... AlwaysPissedOff, izzat you?  And Catwoman would totally be on my list here, if my "review" for that one wasn't like two sentences long.  

One and the same. I went to see it with one of my cousins and literally after we were walking out of the theater, he said that he thought it was better than Spider-Man 1, which almost made me have an aneurysm on the spot.

[Hoffman]

The Apparition from last year is by far the worst film I have ever paid to see.  I went opening night specifically because it was at 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, and also because theatregoers actually booed the trailer a few weeks before.  With such buzz, how could I miss it?  Still, I have no one to blame but myself.

[EricR]

Friday the 13th 3-D is by far my favorite of the series.

 

As far as the worst movie I've ever seen? If Davey Richards was a movie instead of the shittiest wrestler I've ever seen, then he would be Armageddon. Fuuuuuck Armageddon.

[Swift]

Blood Feast is pretty terrible, but I found it good for a laugh in its ineptness.

 

Death Race is a guilty favourite of mine. Seen it a couple of times as well as the sequel (but haven't got round to the third yet) Plot may be weak, but the action scenes are well done, and mostly practical if I recall.

 

I don't know why people rag on The Reader so much.

[Death From Above]

I'm not even sure Armageddon is reasonably declarable as a bottom 3 Michael Bay film.

[EricR]

I'm not even sure Armageddon is reasonably declarable as a bottom 3 Michael Bay film.

 

I don't go out of my way to purposely watch dogshit, but I liked The Rock a lot and was excited for Armageddon because of that. I was even more excited when it had guys like Keith David, Steve Buscemi, Billy Bob Thornton, etc. But then holy shit it was 2.5 hours of constant bullshit with almost nothing watchable. 

[HumanChessgame]

The house I lived in growing up was a 30+ mile drive from the nearest movie theater so I didn't get out to the movies that often.  When I got my license going to the movies was something I did quite often, regardless of what was playing. One day I went to see Speed 2 and Batman Forever back to back.  When I got out of the theater some guy had put a large dent in the side of my mom's car and was kind enough to stick around to give me his info.  Seeing the dent was the least problematic part of my day.

[Johnny Sorrow]

Titanic sucked so bad that at one point I had to hold my ex-wife back from beating the shit out of a broad. Now, this had more to go with the audience than the film, but the movie added to our collective fury at where we were at. And we still didn't walk out, cause arguing for a refund is a pain in the ass and most people who do are awful.

[Brian Fowler]

I actually really like All The Boys Love Mandy Lane.

 

Now, granted, I have a....  lets just say "unhealthy" love of Slasher films in general, and ones that are well acted and well shot will always get high praise from me.

 

Like, enough that I pirated it, and then imported the region free blu-ray from England because it still hasn't been released here.

 

I also like F:13 part V, but solely because it is so unforgivably trashy and awful, even by the standards of that series.

[Super Ape]

 

BROKEN FUCKING FLOWERS.  I love Bill Murray, but Jim Jarmusch is just such a pretentious twat that I wanted to break everything in a ten-mile radius after that ending.

I like Broken Flowers.  Bill Murray being himself visiting all his ex-girlfriends trying to find out which one gave birth to the son he never met.  Great Ethiopian jazz soundtrack, great nudity, and a great Jeffrey Wright performance.  The ending is kinda off-putting at first, then kinda grows on you when you think about it.

 

 

That's just it.  Here's my thought process throughout the movie.

 

[Progress through the movie]

Me: Ah, Bill Murray being Bill Murray, good stuff.  I want a house like that.t

[When he meets that kid.]

Me: This is cute and charming.

[Kid runs away, Homer Murray drives past in a car, Bill Murray stands in one place like a dipshit, fin.]

Me: What.  That's it.  That's it?  THAT'S IT?!  *GODZILLA ROAR, levels small town*

[Newb82]

Friday the 13th 3-D is by far my favorite of the series.

I like IV and especially JASON LIVES more than 3-D. I would argue that JASON LIVES is a good movie period, not just good for a Ft13th.I wonder what VII could have been if it wasn't wattered down and that one bitch of a producer hadn't ruined the ending, and what VIII could have been if either they had the budget to shoot in NYC more, or if Rob Hedden hadn't been so ridiculously ambitious in the face of reality when he wrote his original script.