What are the WORST films you have seen?

[Jingus]

I like it... though we'd have to be careful to avoid ripping off Seed of Chucky or New Nightmare or, God help us, Scream 3 in the moments where they did stuff like that.  

[Brian Fowler]

Oh man, Batman & Robin is so much better than it's reputation.  It's just so NOT what people want Batman to be, that they miss that it's actually a pretty damn good neon psychedelic camp film, with a really strong lead performance from Clooney.  Sadly, Arnold (who I love) drags it down some with really, really bad one liners, but, beyond that, it's awesome. 

 

I thumbed up jingus's last run of reviews solely for quoting some of my favorite Tori Amos lyrics.

 

Also, as bad as Saw V is (last one I've actually watched) it's nowhere near as morally reprehensible as 3.

 

The Village is one of the two most disappointing movies I've ever seen, as it's trailer is one of the most amazing, gripping trailers I have ever witnessed.  When my friend Jon and I saw the trailer before Van Helsing (which SUCKED) he turned to me and said "we ARE going to that."  And we did, along with a third friend.  And holy shit balls was it terrible.  Worse, it wasn't at all the movie the trailer promised.  Not even slightly.

 

The other most disappointing?  Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.  Hot off the heels of one of the best slasher sequels ever, here comes a movie that takes a shit all over that film, it's legendary first chapter, and even it's fairly terrible part 2.  It's not really the worst Halloween movie (six and eight are both a damn sight worse, if nothing else) but it's a hell of lot more painful that it is so bad.  Part 4 has an amazing central relationship between Rachel and Jamie, and that leads into one of the best Final Girl sequences ever, with Rachel not only being the Final Girl, but having to protect Jamie at the same time?  Kill Rachel 10 minutes into the movie, right after introducing the most obnoxious character in the history of slasher films, Tina, to more or less take her place.  Have an absolutely awesome sequel hook at the end of part 4 that seems to be pointing the franchise back to it's roots of Evil Has Come To Your Town?  Abandon it completely.  Have one really compelling sequence near the end with Jaimie hiding from Michael, and then the "Uncle Boogeyman" line?  Follow that up with an absolute out of nowhere sequel hook that makes no damn sense, the producers/writers/director/actors/God himself had no idea what it was supposed to lead to, and then wait six years to unleash a fucking terrible movie.  That's how you make Halloween 5, ladies and gents.

 

Then be shocked when it is the lowest grossing entry in the franchise.  Fucking morons.

 

/Jingus

[Gonzo]

I will always love that NO HOLDS BARRED is essentially about a Hogan-esque character flipping out because a promoters asked him to *gasp* DO A JOB!

 

So you're saying it's a biography, then?

[Jingus]

One big problem with Batman and Robin is that Batman Forever had done the exact same thing and done it much better.  Except for Clooney, every single actor in B&R seems like they're not even trying.  And all the character derailment (especially Bane) is pretty miserable.  

 

The other most disappointing?  Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.  

 

/Jingus

 

You rang?  

 

 

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers: 3/10

This movie is so incredibly frustrating because it clearly could've been so much better. There are a few parts which are genuinely frightening, there are characters who seem so smart that they do things that you stop and go "why didn't I think of that?", and there are a couple of hints at some deeper underlying themes. Too bad those needles are all buried underneath a haystack of shit. 

 

The movie follows the letter but not the spirit of the series' continuity, since it just kinda ignores the previous film's ending to get on with the new plot. And guess what, it's basically the same as the old plot: Michael Myers kills a bunch of suspiciously old "teenagers" while stalking his estranged niece (Danielle Harris, turning her crappy material into a nearly Haley Joel Osment-level child performance, no joke) and Donald Pleasance rants about the evil and how it can't be killed. The problem is, writer/director Dominique Othenin-Girard apparently had no idea what the fuck he (she? it?) was doing, and reportedly clashed a lot with both the producers and the actors on the set. Given some of the awful dialogue and line readings in this movie, it's no surprise that the director doesn't speak English as their first language. 

 

The idiot teenagers in this film are so stupid that it's unforgivable, even other slasher flicks had people who were closer to reality than these screaming, mugging dolts. All of the other actors except Harris and Pleasance aren't any help either. When two "dumb cops" appear and speak their wretched lines, you have to hear the cartoon sound effects Wah-Wah-Waaahing in the background to believe it. And the ending! Jesus fucking Christ, the finale of this movie was one of the worst I've ever seen. It completely pissed on everything that happened beforehand, it made no sense whatsoever in a "He didn't jump out of the cocka-doody car!" sort of way, and it was clearly nothing more than a blatant mercenary setup for another goddamned sequel. 

 

Oh yeah, I forgot one hilarious bit. At one part, Michael is breaking down a door. A cop on the other side takes out his revolver, and fires ten shots in a row. Not only that, but apparently the police training in this town sucks big floppy donkey dick, because out of his magical ten shots only one of them hits Mike. This movie was poo. 

[Brian Fowler]

There is nothing about Batman Forever that is better than Batman and Robin.  Even Val Kilmer, who I love, gives quite possibly the worst performance of his career.  I swear to God, I would believe if someone said he was sleepwalking during half his scenes.

 

I really dislike Forever.  I'm also somewhat not fond of Returns (on one hand, the Burton weirdness is nice, I guess.  On the other...  THE STORY MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.)

[Jingus]

We'll just have to agree to disagree on Forever vs & Robin.  

 

However: I am actually quite fond of Batman Returns, for ONE very specific reason: 

 

 

The entire concept of "two very similar maniacs are totally in love, but are for some reason compelled to fight each other" is something that absolutely obsesses me, and this movie is pretty much why.  As strong as all the other non-Halle-Berry portrayals of Catwomen have been, this one is still my favorite.  I LOVED that montage when Bruce is putting on all his shiny gear in the Batcave, while Selina is awkwardly trying to put on her sad little homemade costume while driving her crappy car.  The scene at the ball when they realize who each other are, and she says "oh god... does this mean we have to start fighting now?" is one of my all-time favorite moments in cinema history.  (Of course it's promptly interrupted and ruined by the goddamn disgusting Penguin; seriously, why was he that gross?!)  And the ending where she rejects him is just heartbreaking, every time I watch the movie I find myself wishing that THIS time she'll say yes.  

 

Also, Chris Walken was pretty king-sized in this, giving one of his best comedic performances ever.  Damn shame about the Penguin and all those bits with Batman killing people.  

[Brian Fowler]

Yeah, there is a lot I like about it, but it just drags down at moments in a really bad way.  And it's just not a coherent film.

 

(And I definitely prefer Anne Hathaway's Selina Kyle.  She pretty much drags the other wise awful first two acts of TDKR to watchable status single handedly.)

[Johnny Sorrow]

The only good part of Batman and Robin was the Bruce/ Alfred stuff. The rest was a continuation of Schumaker's vision of g rated gay porn mixed with a misunderstanding of the TV show.

[piranesi]

Fuck I see no way that wouldn't be awesome

 

 

Wasn't that the plot of RETURN TO HORROR HIGH?

 

Because that wasn't awesome.

[piranesi]

 

 

 Part 4 has an amazing central relationship between Rachel and Jamie, and that leads into one of the best Final Girl sequences ever, with Rachel not only being the Final Girl, but having to protect Jamie at the same time?  Kill Rachel 10 minutes into the movie, right after introducing the most obnoxious character in the history of slasher films, Tina, to more or less take her place.  Have an absolutely awesome sequel hook at the end of part 4 that seems to be pointing the franchise back to it's roots of Evil Has Come To Your Town?  Abandon it completely.  Have one really compelling sequence near the end with Jaimie hiding from Michael, and then the "Uncle Boogeyman" line?  Follow that up with an absolute out of nowhere sequel hook that makes no damn sense, the producers/writers/director/actors/God himself had no idea what it was supposed to lead to, and then wait six years to unleash a fucking terrible movie.  That's how you make Halloween 5, ladies and gents.

 

 

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers: 3/10

This movie is so incredibly frustrating because it clearly could've been so much better. There are a few parts which are genuinely frightening, there are characters who seem so smart that they do things that you stop and go "why didn't I think of that?", and there are a couple of hints at some deeper underlying themes. Too bad those needles are all buried underneath a haystack of shit. 

 

The movie follows the letter but not the spirit of the series' continuity, since it just kinda ignores the previous film's ending to get on with the new plot. And guess what, it's basically the same as the old plot: Michael Myers kills a bunch of suspiciously old "teenagers" while stalking his estranged niece (Danielle Harris, turning her crappy material into a nearly Haley Joel Osment-level child performance, no joke) and Donald Pleasance rants about the evil and how it can't be killed. The problem is, writer/director Dominique Othenin-Girard apparently had no idea what the fuck he (she? it?) was doing, and reportedly clashed a lot with both the producers and the actors on the set. Given some of the awful dialogue and line readings in this movie, it's no surprise that the director doesn't speak English as their first language. 

 

The idiot teenagers in this film are so stupid that it's unforgivable, even other slasher flicks had people who were closer to reality than these screaming, mugging dolts. All of the other actors except Harris and Pleasance aren't any help either. When two "dumb cops" appear and speak their wretched lines, you have to hear the cartoon sound effects Wah-Wah-Waaahing in the background to believe it. And the ending! Jesus fucking Christ, the finale of this movie was one of the worst I've ever seen. It completely pissed on everything that happened beforehand, it made no sense whatsoever in a "He didn't jump out of the cocka-doody car!" sort of way, and it was clearly nothing more than a blatant mercenary setup for another goddamned sequel. 

 

Oh yeah, I forgot one hilarious bit. At one part, Michael is breaking down a door. A cop on the other side takes out his revolver, and fires ten shots in a row. Not only that, but apparently the police training in this town sucks big floppy donkey dick, because out of his magical ten shots only one of them hits Mike. This movie was poo. 

 

 

 

I actually sat through that again last Halloween season, and there are some things about it that are interesting.

 

It is kind of bold in a way.  You have the "last girl" from Part IV, who is Jamie Lloyd's protector.  And then you have the ditzy, incoherent party-girl best friend.  The logic of slasher movies dictates that the ditzy, sexually available and irresponsible best friend will get killed and the virginal, domestic protector girl will survive to the end.

 

But, out of nowhere, they kill off the protector.  And suddenly, the ditzy, drunk party girl sort of inherits the roll of protector and "last girl"...a role that by all rights she has no place filling, and is not equipped to handle.  It throws things off and leaves us with a very different kind of "last girl" who is all kinds of a mess and already pretty self destructive.

 

It helped that, once you see it that way, and realize just how much they were putting on a pretty inexperienced actress to carry this weird upturned formula, she did a pretty good job of being clueless and hopelessly out of her assigned role, and gradually becoming a little more aware and eventually something of a passable heroine.

 

If you can leave aside the plot issues, and the dumb visual of Michael Meyers chasing people in a car, it becomes a neat little experiment, or at least an attempt to play around with the formula a little.  Once I was thinking in terms of the expected formula, Wendy Kaplan, the girl who plays the ditzy, new-protector role, becomes really likeable.

 

Ugh, I feel like I've written all this before on the old board and probably made a better case for it.  This coming October is going to be a mess without the old board archive.

[Liam]

Freddy Got Fingered was awful, and even more uncomfortable as I watched it with my stepdad, amongst others.

 

The Village - I took a date to that film, and stood up at the end of it and apologised for taking her.

[Bustronaut]

I did the same thing at the end of Wild Wild West.

 

I've only walked out on two movies - 3000 Miles to Graceland and The Amazing Spider-Man.

[RIPPA]

Batman & Robin and Lost World are the two worst movies I have ever seen in the theater and I saw those like 3 days apart. It was a dark time

 

That being said - those for me really fall more into the "Make me insanely angry" instead of "worst". I mean I thought they were bad movies but when I think of them I think of how irritated I get.

 

The Funny Games US remake is another one in that camp.

[Newb82]

On the HALLOWEEN series discussion:

I like II because it's a direct continuation of the original, and you actually get to see people reacting in the moment to what happened in the original. Don't get to see that often. I also always enjoy spotting Dana Carvey is his cameo. I do wonder what it would have looked like had it stayed with Rosenthal's original cut and Carpenter himself hadn't FRIDAY THE 13TH'd up the movie.

III was supposed to be the start of the series being an anthology series connected only by all taking place on Halloween night. It also sucks hard, and not because there's no Michael. You're telling me THE WORLD'S LARGEST HALLOWEEN MASK MAKER has only three very basic masks? The bad guy's plan is "evil for the sake of being evil" which almost always sucks. Lastly, WTF is that ending?

IV is good, but still has some bad ideas (especially the shotgun kill). The ending is tremendous though.

V has the issues already mentioned. There's also some really terrible editing. I know there was a lot of tension between the director & Mustapaha Akkad. If you think the movie is bad, track down the original screenplay.

I like VI more than most, but it got screwed up by Pleasence dying during post, and them having to dramatically change the ending. If you tolerate watching unpolished film, the "Producer's Cut" is a much better movie.

I love H20. There's still some plot goofiness (how did he get from Illinois to California on one tank of gas?), but JLC carried the shit out of the movie.

Resurrection sucks. I get what they were going for and it could have made for a good movie. It just would have required more talented people at every level. It amuses me that Katie Sachoff is the one cast member that still has a career, considering how bad she is in this movie.

Rob Zombie can go fuck himself.

[scruffynerfhrdr]

I'm gonna need a description of that ASAP.

 

Wracked with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, who was tormented by high school bullies, pretty young karate student Megu accompanies a group of older friends on a camping trip into the woods: smart girl Aya, her druggie boyfriend Také, big-boobed model Maki, and nerdy Naoi. Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish they catch – and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that it’ll help keep her skinny! Soon after, and not so unexpectedly in situations like this, zombies show up and begin to complicate things further. After they’re attached by a crowd of poop-covered undead who emerge from an outhouse toilet, the group seeks refuge at the home of strange Dr. Tanaka and his daughter Sachi. But unbeknownst to them, Tanaka has been conducting experiments on the parasites—and the zombies!—and has another fate in mind for the five strangers from the city. What’s the connection between the parasites and the zombies? And can Megu’s karate alone help them escape, or will she have to rely on the liberating power of farts to save the day?

 

FYI, it's world premiere was at the Fantastic Fest in Austin,2011

[The Unholy Dragon]

I don't know if it's worst ever, but Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters was pretty fucking bad.It has no pace or flow to speak of, stuff just kind of happens. There's a scene where Hansel is looking for Gretel and Gretel is lost in the woods and then the next scene is Hansel coming up on a house where Gretel is and it is also their childhood home which they've never been able to find. And I mean, after like two minutes. It's jarring. The whole thing is written in a classical setting, but everything is handled in a modern context Things like a random bar girl being turned off by Jeremy Renner, very good looking man who also kills monsters. In that period. Also, Ye Olde Guns and Ye Olde Taser. Throw in the fact that the heroes are useless, a REALLY uncomfortable near-gang-rape scene with Gretel, the dumb ogre with a heart of gold, and the fact that no one really cares enough to deliver more than minimal effort and you have an epic trainwreck on every level.

[Tromatagon]

On Halloween V: 

 

Mikey was chasing people in a car in the first fucking movie you guys

[caley]

I'm amazed at jingus' hatred for 'Sex and Death 101'.  I'm not amazed that he hated it, I'm amazed that anyone else saw it.  Just an awful, awful movie.  The only thing holding it back from being one of the worst things I've ever seen is that I saw it on the same night as 'The Hottie and the Nottie' which is just just genuinely awful.  For instance, when you have a movie about a guy trying to get with his hottie dream girl (I don't even have THAT much of a problem with it being Paris Hilton!) the guy should not be really annoying and as completely offputting as Joel David Moore is.  Then *spoilers ahoy* of course he falls in love with the Nottie but you have to make a point of her becoming attractive before he can get with her, so you completely toss out the window any message of not judging a book by its cover because they never would have gotten together if they hadn't made her attractive.  

 

Also, in my initial discussion, I missed 'Glitter' which I've actually seen 3 times now.  We rented it once as a joke because of how bad it was supposed to be (and is!) and watched it and made jokes, then watched it again with a different crowd and made jokes.  Then I found a copy for $5 and bought it for my friend.  Then his next birthday I bought him another copy.  I believe he has 3 copies of it now.  There's just so much to hate I don't know where to begin, honestly, but there is one scene where a character walks into a room and you can watch it and count the cuts and it's something ridiculous like 8-10 cuts for a character SIMPLY WALKING INTO A ROOM.  How was that not a 1 or 2 cut shot?!  How?!?!!?

[Brian Fowler]

H20 is really bad until the last 10 or 15 minutes.

 

But god damn that final stretch is fucking out of this world great.

[Burgundy LaRue]

 

I'm gonna need a description of that ASAP.

 

Wracked with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, who was tormented by high school bullies, pretty young karate student Megu accompanies a group of older friends on a camping trip into the woods: smart girl Aya, her druggie boyfriend Také, big-boobed model Maki, and nerdy Naoi. Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish they catch – and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that it’ll help keep her skinny! Soon after, and not so unexpectedly in situations like this, zombies show up and begin to complicate things further. After they’re attached by a crowd of poop-covered undead who emerge from an outhouse toilet, the group seeks refuge at the home of strange Dr. Tanaka and his daughter Sachi. But unbeknownst to them, Tanaka has been conducting experiments on the parasites—and the zombies!—and has another fate in mind for the five strangers from the city. What’s the connection between the parasites and the zombies? And can Megu’s karate alone help them escape, or will she have to rely on the liberating power of farts to save the day?

 

FYI, it's world premiere was at the Fantastic Fest in Austin,2011

 

 

Many thanks!  I'll have to look for this one at some point.  Sounds hilariously bad!

[The Unholy Dragon]

Then I found a copy for $5 and bought it for my friend.  Then his next birthday I bought him another copy.  I believe he has 3 copies of it now.

I have totally done this with Crossroads and it's about the best dick move ever.

[Newb82]

H20 is really bad until the last 10 or 15 minutes. But god damn that final stretch is fucking out of this world great.

I agree with the second notion. Michael trying to kill Jamie Lee Curtis is so easy to make terrifying I can't believe RESURRECTION screwed up the payoff so badly (to be fair, JLC was only in it because of contractual obligations).Has anyone ever asked Paul Rudd about his experience on VI? I'd be curious to see his response.

[Newb82]

Actually, I found my answer in an interview with AICN in 2007:

C: I should add that your track record in flawed. The one person you did not work with again was Michael Myers [Paul's first film role was in HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS]. In fact, you haven't done a horror

film since your life intersected with the HALLOWEEN

franchise.

PR: No, I haven't!

C: Was that not a good experience as a young actor?

PR: You know what? The funny thing is that it was good. That was the very first movie I'd ever done, and I'm really thrilled that I was able to do it. There was something trippy about working on a HALLOWEEN movie and seeing Michael Myers and seeing that face that I'd seen in movies and meet George Wilbur, who played him. And standing at the craft service table having coffee with Michael Myers. That's was too cool. When it first came out, I was in my early 20s. It was a time in my life when I was really…precious [laughs]. I thought, not that I was into taking myself too seriously or anything, but I so badly wanted to be in really cool things, and all of my favorite things as far as music and movies were all kind of, you know, independent movies or foreign movies. My favorite bands were these sort of alternative indie rockers, and stuff like that. I just really wanted to be liked [laughs], and I think I probably took some things a little too seriously, as it's easy to do when you're that age. And when I first saw HALLOWEEN 6, I remember thinking, Oh God, this movie's not good, and I was really kind of bummed out. In fact when we first started making it, I remember thinking, Oh, this is the one that's going to be different! [laughs] I enjoyed making it; I thought it was really, really fun. But then I thought, Oh God, are people going to think I'm a joke? Am I ever going to get work as an actor after this comes out? I have since changed my tune; I love it. I'm honored to be part of a franchise that has lasted that long, that has that many devotees, and I couldn't be happier that I can say that my first movie is a HALLOWEEN movie.

[Justin877]

Superman Returns is the first thing that popped off my head.  Blair Witch Project has already been said anyway

[Mr Harms]

I really want to rant about Insidious. But i don't want to have to think about it.

I Heart Huckabees. Had to turn that off. Don't even know what to say about it really, I just hated it.

Case 39. Has anybody seen this?