piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 BATISTABOMBS PART SIXX: CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT EDITION Today only with Specciaal B-B-B_B-B-B-BOOOONUS B-B-BOOOOtista Fashion Watch!!! This was supposed to be the culmination. The crowning. The moment that we all joined together as a nation to thank Dave Batista for bringing us to a new understanding of haute couture. But we provincials couldn't understand what he was trying to teach us and like the sad apes we are, we turned on the one who offered us enlightenment. And so it was a bitter moment. Hit play and remember what was and what could have been Music and lyrics by Avril Lavigne Fowler will pretend he doesn't have this on his "workout" playlist, but we all know he's lying Wrestlemania 30 Are you aware of what you make me feel, babyRight now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real No one even noticed he was there. Really shockingly few mentions of him considering he was in the main event. But there was the Press Conference: B-B-B-B_B_B_BONUS B-B__BB-B-B-B_ATISTA FASHION WATCH SUPER-RETRO-EASTER-EGG-EDITION: One Night Only: Joe Satriani presenting the lifetime achievement award to Lorenzo Lamas at the Leather Pants Hall of Fame in Knoxville Tennessee Didn't you feel me lock my arms around youWhy'd you turn away?Here's what I have to say WRESTLEMANIA 30: the actual thingI was left to cry there,waiting outside there grinning with a lost stareThat's when I decided Rows Posted 07 April 2014 - 05:13 PMBatista and his trendy expensive Jordans as wrestling boots is underrated. Completes his persona perfectly. The boots in question WHAAAAAY should I cAAAAAAAreCuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so aloneYOUUUUUU, you need to listEEEEEEn I'm starting to trip,I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone Niners Fan in CT, on 07 Apr 2014 - 6:26 PM, said: Matt D, on 07 Apr 2014 - 6:37 PM, said: If Batista won would we have gotten some shitty tribal tattoos on it?Mike Zeidler Posted 07 April 2014 - 07:12 PMBatista's belly button tattoo was the focus of the central X in the WMXXX stage, like Undertaker's symbol, so maybe it'd be that? Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's placewhen you turn around can you recognize my face So tired. Daniel, can we just be here together for a minute? Nate Posted 07 April 2014 - 06:41 PM Also, I had never noticed the tats on Buttista's back that look like pus-filled blisters. Last night, that's about all I kept noticing about him. MGFanJay Posted 07 April 2014 - 06:47 PMThe rose and star tattoos on Batista are something else. You used to love me,you used to hug meBut that wasn't the caseEverything wasn't ok From the Blu-Ray Look, I know breast reduction is a big step but my shirts...well you see, right? They're all like this. I was left to cry therewaiting outside there grinning with a lost stareThat's when I decidedB-B_B_B-b-ONUS B-B-B-B-Batista FASHION WATCH: WM RED CARPET EDITION Roddy McDowell at the 1967 BAFTA's alternate gag: Doctor Whothefucktoldyouit'sokaytowearaflatcapwithascarfbutnojacket? Really, man. Not cool. SUPER BONUS ALTERNATE gag 2: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Goof WHAAAAAY should I cAAAAAAAreCuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so aloneYOUUUUUU, you need to listEEEEEEnIf you don't care, then I don't careWe're not going anywhere. Raw 4/21: POST MANIA RAW LET'S GO ZIGGLER CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPshitwrongyear Crying out loud I'm crying out loudCrying out loud I'm crying out loud Piranesi Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:36 PMBATISTA FASION WATCHThis week:Bad AI bodyguard guarding a casino level in Hitman.The Comedian Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:39 PMBreak out the fiberwire. Open your eyesOpen up wideWhy should I careCuz you weren't therewhen I was scared I was so alone ebbie Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:44 PMI first saw the screen shots of Batista on my phone. I thought it was a random as hell character change for Santino. Now I am all disappointedHumanChessgame Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:48 PMI thought Batista looked like he should be walking down an airplane aisle asking people what kind of beverage they want.ONE OF ORTON's TWO YEARLY ENFORCED PANTS DATES! WHAAAAAY should I cAAAAAAAreCuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone Go2Sleep Posted 22 April 2014 - 03:23 PMThe Shield/Evolution segment didn't do it for me this week either. Still looking forward to the match at ER, but this felt like total filler. At least Batista and Orton are allowed to wear real clothes again.Yes. Real clothes. If you don't care then I don't carewe're not going anywhere 3
Brian Fowler Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Honestly? I've never ever heard the song. I think I've heard one, maybe two songs by Avril Lavinge. Just not something I ever come across.
piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 There are two Avril Lavigne songs that I am unashamed to say I like. That is one of them. JOIN US, FOWLER!!!!!!!!!
Brian Fowler Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I put two Michelle Branch albums on my best of the 2000's ballot, this isn't about shame.
Brian Fowler Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 You know, I keep meaning to get around to listening to The Wreckers, but I never have. But I absolutely love her solo stuff. Especially Spirit Room.
Nice Guy Eddie Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I wish Cesaro could loan him some of his old early career ring jackets. They were gloriously awful and cheap. I don't think Batista can pull off that ensemble quite as well as Claudio.
LooseCannon Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I put two Michelle Branch albums on my best of the 2000's ballot, this isn't about shame. Was Tabula Rasa your gateway drug (as it was mine) or had you heard her before that?
Brian Fowler Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I think I had heard Everything before that, but it was definitely Goodbye To You on Tabula Rasa that really hooked me.
piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 THE DECLINE OF WESTERN BATISTATION PART SOMETHING: THE SOMETHINGINGSadly, this was The End-game. First everyone but me stopped paying attention to the layering of fabrics and references to defunct hat epochs. And then Batista, himself, gave up even packing a go bag. I blame Orton. It must be hard to watch him walk breezily through the airport, cool air brushing his thighs, with nothing but a thermos around his neck to hold all his clothes while you are wheeling around three steamer trunks. But really it was a kind of slow soul-death for a man who had sacrificed his health and his push to wake us up to the pleasures of color and texture. During this phase of decline, the fashion-minded wrestling fan was left to pursue other idols, as will become evident. Little did we know at the time that, like a dying star, Big Dave would save his greatest burst of beauty and passion for his final moments in our lives. But that's next time... For now we see the pathos of a man who breathed in fashion, losing his breathe, his heart, and his outfits...going naked...and slipping away from us:http://youtu.be/ZXsO50IKuvcHit play and feel it, brother. I mean it. If you don't do this right you can't see into Dave's heart. I mean it WAIT THROUGH THE INTRO FOR THE LYRICS!!!Raw 4/28We tied togetherTwined us into oneBut knots rememberTo come undone Piranesi Posted 28 April 2014 - 11:31 PMBATISTA FASHION WATCHThis Week:Donald Pleasence hosting a key party on the set of THE EIGER SANCTIONOriginal concept art © BATISTARTS INC. Slipping gentlySetting into sailI tried to steadyTo no avail Somehow that green checkered suit went unremaked upon beyond this. Am I overthinking this? And if you walk awayRemember me as beforeAnd if I go, wellknow I had to go No, No I am not. Raw 5/5 You drift away from me, now babyDon't drift away from me Piranesi Posted 05 May 2014 - 11:38 PMBATISTA FASHION WATCHlazy motherfucker went with T-shirt and trunks edition.Goddammit, I had like six things cued up for six probable outfits based on backstage buzz from my sources.At least HHH wore pants enough and tucked in enough to go for Security guy at a fireworks show. The fraying tetherSevers as we sleepSometimes foreverCannot keepRaw 5/19 from EnglandDelta knows thatRivers must part their waysInto the paths of change'til all is emptied out to sea Piranesi Posted 19 May 2014 - 11:45 PMBATISTA FASHION WATCHThis week:A guy who just doesn't care enough about the bit to EVEN BOTHER CHECKING A BAG????!!!!!I mean, the fuck? I showed up, Dave. Where are you, Dave?But no worries because this was made up for bySHIELD THEATER EASTER EGG OF THE THE WEEK:This Week: Shield are literally hanging out on a ladder from an OUR TOWN set. Dean is seriously trying to hold himself back from calling Seth "Emily." I know he wants to and he knows we want him to. But with the stock price and all, now's not the time, Dean. Hush, Dean. The time will come.editor's note: Even musical theater references seemed to fall flat at this point, and this fantastic bit garnered few likes and no riffing or thread derailment. It was a dark era. Raw 5/12The tide is changingand you're goneUnfortunately for most of the show, Dave was dressed as "Randy Orton" You drift away from me, no, babyYou drift away from meYou just drift awaySomething's not the same now, babyDon't drift away from meHOWEVER: Piranesi Posted 12 May 2014 - 11:39 PMSince the Shield got that first beatdown in before Evolution got to the locker room to change into their ring gear...we have...BATISTA FASHION WATCH!!!!This Week: US Airways pilot at a funeral who realized this morning that really is the only dress shirt and tie he owns and is hoping no one notices if he doesn't wear the jacket with the wings on it. "Bro, no jacket?""Dude, just lay off okay."" OH MY GOD, That's your uniform tie, isn't it? And that's the shirt too!""Man, just back off, it's a funeral...okay.""This is like prom with your dad's wedding tux all over again! Hey, Richie! Richie! Check out Dave's uniform pants! You can see the blue stripe!""I fucking hate you guys." Once was not enough for loveTwice was not enough for loveBut you're goneYou're gone awayAnd the following rather rude observation: JRGoldman Posted 12 May 2014 - 11:51 PMI dunno dude, Batista collects lunch boxes. There has to be some furry overlap.HOW ARE THEY NOT GETTING THIS CHARACTER RIGHT? WHY IS THIS GUY ACTING LIKE A HARD ASS??? HE IS PROBABLY ON EBAY RIGHT NOW BUYING A BLOSSOM LUNCHBOX!!!! THAT'S THE GIMMICK!!! You drift away from me, babyYou drift away from meYou just drift awayNo, something's not the same now babyDon't drift away from me 3
Brian Fowler Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Alternate music (that happened to be what I am already listening to)
piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Fowler, you're not seeing through the gimmick to the Dave underneath. That is what Dave pretends to listen to in his trailer while he has his noise cancelling earbuds dialed squarely into The Sundays.
Brian Fowler Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I swear to you, if you use The Sundays cover of Wild Horses on fucking Dave Batista, I will never like a Jurassic Park themed post from you again!
piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Well I guess now I can't. But at least the next time it pipes through your headphones and you close your eyes, you'll know that this man is connected to you spiritually, and in a way physically. And that's better than some little umbrella trophy any day. 1
Ramsey Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Alternate music (that happened to be what I am already listening to) PROG MAKES IT'S APPEARANCE! Shit, I knew I should have volunteered some tunes. 1
OSJ Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I was going to reach way back before most of us were born and post Mary Hopkins' "Those Were the Days", but "Drift Away" works very nicely. The question must be asked, after having the great influence of Big Dave for months at a stretch during various times of his life, why does Randy Orton refuse to wear pants? Is there a subtle nuance commenting on the fashion industry at work here, or is it something else? 1
Ramsey Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I was going to reach way back before most of us were born and post Mary Hopkins' "Those Were the Days", but "Drift Away" works very nicely. The question must be asked, after having the great influence of Big Dave for months at a stretch during various times of his life, why does Randy Orton refuse to wear pants? Is there a subtle nuance commenting on the fashion industry at work here, or is it something else? 2
OSJ Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Well played, sir! If only Hasil Adkins had done songs about fashion instead of poultry, I could have posted a bunch of stuff...
piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Yeah. Deep down, Dave is not nearly as comfortable in his own body as Randy is. That should be part of the gimmick too. Collectables, passive-aggressive clothing choices. He's searching for something. Randy's character is not nearly that self-aware. He's just all dumb swagger and body-confidence. Dave should come out all smiles and talk about how great he thinks it is that the fans are having fun with him and how he can totally laugh at himself. But then as soon as some jobber makes a crack about his hat or tattoos, he shoudld instantly go dead in the face and pick them up and drive them deep into the bowels of the earth and freak out. He just needs to indulge that side of himself instead of trying to hide it. Like, take the rich guy "everybody loves me" act of early heel Del Rio and mix it with that fat guy on youtube who breaks his toys when he doesn't get his way. Except Dave's toys he breaks are other human beings. It would work so well because I don't think anyone looks as naturally hurt when someone is talking shit about him than Big Dave. For a big scary guy, hurt-face is, like, his main face: I mean, look at it! Every interaction with Batista should end with him murdering someone while crying: COME OUT OF THE COLLECTABLES CLOSET, DAVE!!!!
OSJ Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Imagine the pathos if someone messed with his "Captain Video" lunchbox.
piranesi Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 We begin in silence: Things got rough at the end. Not rough like mohair or tweed. Rough like cheap off-the-rack corduroy. Bottom of the barrel was the Go-Home to Payback. It wasn't even a bit anymore. Just a memory of a bit. The worst kind of bit. A former bit. It was the fashion equivalent of watching THE ROAD while reading A CANTICLE FOR LEIBOWITZ and eating silly putty that had been pressed into the obituaries page.Even your intrepid editor turned on our big goofy bald Virgil (the Dante one, not the lonely one...although there's still time) here in the last circle of iconoclastic post-taste Hell.Raw 5/26: The worst Posted 27 May 2014 - 12:13 AMBATISTA FASHION WAAA A a a a a a a a a . . sigh:A man in his underwear I guess. I don't know Fuck you, Dave Batista. This is, like, the only thing I have in my life that's mine. You had a main event contract signing during the overrun, you lazy piece of....YOU HAVE A PLATFORM FOR WEARING BIZARRE OUTFITS THAT MOST OF US WOULD KILL FOR! THAT SOME OF US ACTIVELY FANTASY DRESS FOR IN OUR MINDS! Right guys? Other people here have a list of contract-signing outfits in mind, right? Shit. It seemed like it was all over. Like there was nothing left to care about in the world. No poetry or beauty or snidely tinted glasses.Until... ..that final burst of passive aggressive scissor-on-felt work that changed the world:http://youtu.be/STRGKm7T72MBlue songs really are like tattoos VIOLENT BEAUREGARD!Morganti Posted 01 June 2014 - 10:59 PMBLUETISTA though... Blue songs are like tattoos You know I've been to sea beforeCrown and anchor meOr let me sail away Brian Fowler Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:07 PMWhat the fuck was Smurftista wearing?w. josh Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:08 PMDiva-tista! Although if I were Bryan or Cena, I'd be a little worried that Big Dave was dressed like a Bella.Cristobal Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:09 PMRoidy Smurf Reed Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:12 PMSmurf Batista is the best Batista. Hey Blue, here is a song for youInk on a pinUnderneath the skinAn empty space to fill in Piranesi Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:30 PMMOTHERFUCKERS WE HAVE A : BATISTA FASHION WATCH: Final edition?????After you assholes already took all the good onesTHIS WEEK:Cosplayer who confused feet and inches when ordering material for his FIFTH ELEMENT Alien Diva outfit and tried to front his way through... as illustrated in the following exchange Dave: "What? No guys! I'm Mystique right at the beginning of a shift. DUH! THAT WAS ALWAYS THE CONCEPT!" Randy: "Really, Dave, really? So then why am I'm wearing Mila Jovovich duct tape on my nipples and crack, Dave? Why is my crack chafing right now, Dave? You know how much these cut into the skin?"Dave: "I THOUGH FEET WAS TWO LITTLE APOSTROPHES OKAY!!!" Well there're so many sinking nowYou've got to keep thinkingYou can make it thru these waves The shoes? Custom Air Jordan XX8. Ruined.Reed Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:31 PMI'm genuinely sad Dave Batista is leaving.NOW WHOSE CLOTHES WILL I LAUGH AT???????Tristof Posted 02 June 2014 - 12:24 AMBatista, again, takes the fall (this case - the first fall). I think the dirt-sheets are wrong about him.They pacified the Animal by letting him choose his ring attire for this return. And we're all worse off for it. Damn you, WWE. Acid, booze, and assNeedles, guns, and grassLots of laughs Cristobal Posted 02 June 2014 - 12:46 AMBetween his balding stubble, his dyed beard, his lost weight and weird outfit, Batista looked like a bad attempt at making a Batista CAW.Piranesi Posted 02 June 2014 - 12:57 AMStretch Armstrong when the fluid starts leaking. Victator Posted 02 June 2014 - 02:24 AMBatista is Hank Venture as Batman now. Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to goWell I don't think soBut I'm gonna take a look around it though The Natural Posted 02 June 2014 - 05:59 AM Blue, I love you Dave posted on 03 June 2014 - 09:32 AM 6 guys go 2 war and beat the shit out of each other and what do the genius smarks walk away with?”Batista wore blue!What a loser!” #dipshits. ECONOMY OF MEANS, PEOPLE. MAXIMUM IMPACT WITH MINIMUM MATERIAL. Pure genius.Already a thousand CAW's have been posted. When all is done, no other single ensemble will have had the impact of some blue underwear and some sexy dayglo spats.He jobbed (again), ended his run without a title win or a single meaningful victory or any fans, and yet he will be remembered forever for what he did that night.And that was it. Legacy secured? Yes. Culture forever changed? Yes. Landscape of color and texture expanded? Yes. 24 hours later he would be gone...with just one last beautiful outfit and one wave of his princess hand.But that's for the epilog. and that's for another day...As for nowJust take a quick rope lean and catch your breathe. Blue here is a shell for youInside you'll hear a sighA foggy lullaby There is your song from meThe end? 2
Cristobal Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I want the song for Greentista's departure to be "Tell Me a Lie"
OSJ Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Blue, blue my world is blue, blue is my world now that I'm without you... Sinatra always says it best.
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