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Posted

He choked people with the tie, so all is well.

Posted

  BATISTABOMBS PART SIXX: CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT EDITION
      
      Today only with Specciaal B-B-B_B-B-B-BOOOONUS B-B-BOOOOtista Fashion Watch!!!
      

 

This was supposed to be the culmination.  The crowning.  The moment that we all joined together as a nation to thank Dave Batista for bringing us to a new understanding of haute couture.  But we provincials couldn't understand what he was trying to teach us and like the sad apes we are, we turned on the one who offered us enlightenment.  And so it was a bitter moment.

 

Hit play and remember what was and what could have been

Music and lyrics by Avril Lavigne

Fowler will pretend he doesn't have this on his "workout" playlist, but we all know he's lying
     

Wrestlemania 30
            
  Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not rea
l


    No one even noticed he was there.  Really shockingly few mentions of him considering he was in the main event.   
    
        But there was the Press Conference:
           
                B-B-B-B_B_B_BONUS B-B__BB-B-B-B_ATISTA FASHION WATCH SUPER-RETRO-EASTER-EGG-EDITION:
                
                    One Night Only:


                  
wmconfrece.jpg
                    
 Joe Satriani presenting the lifetime achievement award to Lorenzo Lamas at the Leather Pants Hall of Fame in Knoxville Tennessee
         


         

Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say 
 

           
WRESTLEMANIA 30: the actual thing

I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided



Rows     Posted 07 April 2014 - 05:13 PM
Batista and his trendy expensive Jordans as wrestling boots is underrated. Completes his persona perfectly.

image.jpg
The boots in question



WHAAAAAY should I cAAAAAAAre
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
YOUUUUUU, you need to listEEEEEEn I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone


    
    Niners Fan in CT, on 07 Apr 2014 - 6:26 PM, said:
       1982158_701450463244462_5074052732513057

     Matt D, on 07 Apr 2014 - 6:37 PM, said:
    If Batista won would we have gotten some shitty tribal tattoos on it?

Mike Zeidler Posted 07 April 2014 - 07:12 PM
Batista's belly button tattoo was the focus of the central X in the WMXXX stage, like Undertaker's symbol, so maybe it'd be that?


     
Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around can you recognize my face



da8ae1cac58b41de1ec04453e8a08415.jpg
So tired.  Daniel, can we just be here together for a minute?

 Nate Posted 07 April 2014 - 06:41 PM
 Also, I had never noticed the tats on Buttista's back that look like pus-filled blisters. Last night, that's about all I kept noticing about him.
 
  MGFanJay Posted 07 April 2014 - 06:47 PM
The rose and star tattoos on Batista are something else.



You used to love me,
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok



From the Blu-Ray

image940480134s.jpg
Look, I know breast reduction is a big step but my shirts...well you see, right?  They're all like this.



I was left to cry there
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided


B-B_B_B-b-ONUS B-B-B-B-Batista FASHION WATCH:  

WM RED CARPET EDITION


481869221.jpg

Roddy McDowell at the 1967 BAFTA's

 

alternate gag:

Doctor Whothefucktoldyouit'sokaytowearaflatcapwithascarfbutnojacket?

Really, man.  Not cool.

 

SUPER BONUS ALTERNATE gag 2:

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Goof


WHAAAAAY should I cAAAAAAAre
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
YOUUUUUU, you need to listEEEEEEn
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not going anywhere.

    
    Raw 4/21: POST MANIA RAW LET'S GO ZIGGLER CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPshitwrongyear
    
    Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud


   


    evolution2.jpg
        Piranesi Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:36 PM

BATISTA FASION WATCH

This week:
Bad AI bodyguard guarding a casino level in Hitman.

The Comedian Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:39 PM
Break out the fiberwire.



Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared I was so alone



batista10.jpg

 

 ebbie Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:44 PM
I first saw the screen shots of Batista on my phone. I thought it was a random as hell character change for Santino. Now I am all disappointed

HumanChessgame Posted 21 April 2014 - 11:48 PM
I thought Batista looked like he should be walking down an airplane aisle asking people what kind of beverage they want.

9876409c75d1cc61f30c0c3d92e1a880_crop_no
ONE OF ORTON's TWO YEARLY ENFORCED PANTS DATES!



WHAAAAAY should I cAAAAAAAre
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone



Go2Sleep Posted 22 April 2014 - 03:23 PM
The Shield/Evolution segment didn't do it for me this week either. Still looking forward to the match at ER, but this felt like total filler. At least Batista and Orton are allowed to wear real clothes again.

Dave_Batista_Latest_Pic.jpg

Yes.  Real clothes.  



If you don't care then I don't care
we're not going anywhere

 

  • Like 3
Posted

Honestly?  I've never ever heard the song.

 

I think I've heard one, maybe two songs by Avril Lavinge.  Just not something I ever come across.

Posted

I put two Michelle Branch albums on my best of the 2000's ballot, this isn't about shame.

Posted

You know, I keep meaning to get around to listening to The Wreckers, but I never have.

 

But I absolutely love her solo stuff.  Especially Spirit Room.

Posted

I wish Cesaro could loan him some of his old early career ring jackets. They were gloriously awful and cheap.

Superstar-Claudio-Castagnoli-In-Ring1.jp

I don't think Batista can pull off that ensemble quite as well as Claudio.
Posted

I put two Michelle Branch albums on my best of the 2000's ballot, this isn't about shame.

 

Was Tabula Rasa your gateway drug (as it was mine) or had you heard her before that?

Posted

I think I had heard Everything before that, but it was definitely Goodbye To You on Tabula Rasa that really hooked me.

Posted

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN BATISTATION PART SOMETHING: THE SOMETHINGING

Sadly, this was The End-game.  First everyone but me stopped paying attention to the layering of fabrics and references to defunct hat epochs.  And then Batista, himself, gave up even packing a go bag.  I blame Orton.  It must be hard to watch him walk breezily through the airport, cool air brushing his thighs, with nothing but a thermos around his neck to hold all his clothes while you are wheeling around three steamer trunks.
 
 But really it was a kind of slow soul-death for a man who had sacrificed his health and his push to wake us up to the pleasures of color and texture.  During this phase of decline, the fashion-minded wrestling fan was left to pursue other idols, as will become evident.  Little did we know at the time that, like a dying star, Big Dave would save his greatest burst of beauty and passion for his final moments in our lives.  But that's next time...  
 
For now we see the pathos of a man who breathed in fashion, losing his breathe, his heart, and his outfits...going naked...and slipping away from us:

http://youtu.be/ZXsO50IKuvc
Hit play and feel it, brother.  I mean it.  If you don't do this right you can't see into Dave's heart. I mean it

 

WAIT THROUGH THE INTRO FOR THE LYRICS!!!

Raw 4/28

We tied together
Twined us into one
But knots remember
To come undone



batista11.jpg
Piranesi Posted 28 April 2014 - 11:31 PM

BATISTA FASHION WATCH

This Week:
Donald Pleasence hosting a key party on the set of THE EIGER SANCTION

plaid_suit.jpg
Original concept art © BATISTARTS INC.



Slipping gently
Setting into sail
I tried to steady
To no avail



Somehow that green checkered suit went unremaked upon beyond this.  Am I overthinking this?
090909.jpgSITR_Fit_Fiddle_SS.jpg



And if you walk away
Remember me as before
And if I go, well
know I had to go



Tailored_and_Styled_Blog_Post_24_Feb_13_
No, No I am not.





Raw 5/5
 
 You drift away from me, now baby
Don't drift away from me


 


 Piranesi Posted 05 May 2014 - 11:38 PM

BATISTA FASHION WATCH

lazy motherfucker went with T-shirt and trunks edition.

Goddammit, I had like six things cued up for six probable outfits based on backstage buzz from my sources.

At least HHH wore pants enough and tucked in enough to go for


hhh1.jpg

Security guy at a fireworks show.





The fraying tether
Severs as we sleep
Sometimes forever
Cannot keep



Raw 5/19 from England

Delta knows that
Rivers must part their ways
Into the paths of change
'til all is emptied out to sea



Piranesi Posted 19 May 2014 - 11:45 PM

BATISTA FASHION WATCH

This week:
A guy who just doesn't care enough about the bit to EVEN BOTHER CHECKING A BAG????!!!!!

I mean, the fuck?  I showed up, Dave.  Where are you, Dave?

But no worries because this was made up for by

SHIELD THEATER EASTER EGG OF THE THE WEEK:

This Week:


20140519211628.jpg

Shield are literally hanging out on a ladder from an OUR TOWN set.  Dean is seriously trying to hold himself back from calling Seth "Emily."  I know he wants to and he knows we want him to.  But with the stock price and all, now's not the time, Dean.  Hush, Dean.  The time will come.

editor's note: Even musical theater references seemed to fall flat at this point, and this fantastic bit garnered few likes and no riffing or thread derailment.  It was a dark era.







Raw 5/12

The tide is changing
and you're gone


Unfortunately for most of the show, Dave was dressed as


static_squarespace_com.jpg

 

"Randy Orton"



You drift away from me, no, baby
You drift away from me
You just drift away
Something's not the same now, baby
Don't drift away from me


HOWEVER:


Piranesi Posted 12 May 2014 - 11:39 PM

Since the Shield got that first beatdown in before Evolution got to the locker room to change into their ring gear...we have...

BATISTA FASHION WATCH!!!!

This Week:

batista13.jpg
US Airways pilot at a funeral who realized this morning that really is the only dress shirt and tie he owns and is hoping no one notices if he doesn't wear the jacket with the wings on it.

"Bro, no jacket?"
"Dude, just lay off okay."
" OH MY GOD, That's your uniform tie, isn't it?  And that's the shirt too!"
"Man, just back off, it's a funeral...okay."
"This is like prom with your dad's wedding tux all over again!  Hey, Richie! Richie! Check out Dave's uniform pants!  You can see the blue stripe!"
"I fucking hate you guys."




Once was not enough for love
Twice was not enough for love
But you're gone
You're gone away


And the following rather rude observation:

 


JRGoldman Posted 12 May 2014 - 11:51 PM
I dunno dude, Batista collects lunch boxes. There has to be some furry overlap.

Batista_487799a.jpg
HOW ARE THEY NOT GETTING THIS CHARACTER RIGHT? 

WHY IS THIS GUY ACTING LIKE A HARD ASS??? 

HE IS PROBABLY ON EBAY RIGHT NOW BUYING A BLOSSOM LUNCHBOX!!!! 

THAT'S THE GIMMICK!!!



You drift away from me, baby
You drift away from me
You just drift away
No, something's not the same now baby
Don't drift away from me

  • Like 3
Posted

Fowler, you're not seeing through the gimmick to the Dave underneath.

 

That is what Dave pretends to listen to in his trailer while he has his noise cancelling earbuds dialed squarely into The Sundays.

Posted

I swear to you, if you use The Sundays cover of Wild Horses on fucking Dave Batista, I will never like a Jurassic Park themed post from you again!

Posted

Well I guess now I can't.  But at least the next time it pipes through your headphones and you close your eyes, you'll know that this man

 

20tfkhj.gif

 

is connected to you spiritually, and in a way physically.

 

And that's better than some little umbrella trophy any day.

  • Like 1
Posted

Alternate music (that happened to be what I am already listening to)

 

PROG MAKES IT'S APPEARANCE!

 

Shit, I knew I should have volunteered some tunes.

  • Like 1
Posted

I was going to reach way back before most of us were born and post Mary Hopkins' "Those Were the Days", but "Drift Away" works very nicely.

 

The question must be asked, after having the great influence of Big Dave for months at a stretch during various times of his life, why does Randy Orton refuse to wear pants? Is there a subtle nuance commenting on the fashion industry at work here, or is it something else?

  • Like 1
Posted

I was going to reach way back before most of us were born and post Mary Hopkins' "Those Were the Days", but "Drift Away" works very nicely.

 

The question must be asked, after having the great influence of Big Dave for months at a stretch during various times of his life, why does Randy Orton refuse to wear pants? Is there a subtle nuance commenting on the fashion industry at work here, or is it something else?

  • Like 2
Posted

Well played, sir!

 

If only Hasil Adkins had done songs about fashion instead of poultry, I could have posted a bunch of stuff...

Posted

Yeah.  Deep down, Dave is not nearly as comfortable in his own body as Randy is.  That should be part of the gimmick too.  Collectables, passive-aggressive clothing choices.  He's searching for something.  Randy's character is not nearly that self-aware.  He's just all dumb swagger and body-confidence. 

 

Dave should come out all smiles and talk about how great he thinks it is that the fans are having fun with him and how he can totally laugh at himself.  But then as soon as some jobber makes a crack about his hat or tattoos, he shoudld instantly go dead in the face and pick them up and drive them deep into the bowels of the earth and freak out.

 

He just needs to indulge that side of himself instead of trying to hide it. 

 

Like, take the rich guy "everybody loves me" act of early heel Del Rio and mix it with that fat guy on youtube who breaks his toys when he doesn't get his way.  Except Dave's toys he breaks are other human beings.  It would work so well because I don't think anyone looks as naturally hurt when someone is talking shit about him than Big Dave.

 

For a big scary guy, hurt-face is, like, his main face:

 

normal_snapshot20080827032019.jpgnormal_snapshot20080806020353.jpgq8_Jml.jpg

 

I mean, look at it!  Every interaction with Batista should end with him murdering someone while crying:

 

1phsp1.gif

 

COME OUT OF THE COLLECTABLES CLOSET, DAVE!!!!

Posted

Imagine the pathos if someone messed with his "Captain Video" lunchbox.

Posted

We begin in silence:  

Things got rough at the end.  Not rough like mohair or tweed.  Rough like cheap off-the-rack corduroy.  Bottom of the barrel was the Go-Home to Payback.  It wasn't even a bit anymore. Just a memory of a bit.  The worst kind of bit.  A former bit.  It was the fashion equivalent of watching THE ROAD while reading A CANTICLE FOR LEIBOWITZ and eating silly putty that had been pressed into the obituaries page.

Even your intrepid editor turned on our big goofy bald Virgil (the Dante one, not the lonely one...although there's still time) here in the last circle of  iconoclastic post-taste Hell.

Raw 5/26: The worst


 Posted 27 May 2014 - 12:13 AM

BATISTA FASHION WAAA

                                           A

                                             a

                                                a

                                                  a

                                                   a

                                                   a

                                                   a

                                                   a

                                                   a

                                                   .

                                                   .

 

                                              sigh:

A man in his underwear I guess. I don't know Fuck you, Dave Batista.  This is, like, the only thing I have in my life that's mine.  You had a main event contract signing during the overrun, you lazy piece of....YOU HAVE A PLATFORM FOR WEARING BIZARRE OUTFITS THAT MOST OF US WOULD KILL FOR! THAT SOME OF US ACTIVELY FANTASY DRESS FOR IN OUR MINDS! Right guys?  Other people here have a list of contract-signing outfits in mind, right?
 

Shit.



It seemed like it was all over.  Like there was nothing left to care about in the world. No poetry or beauty or snidely tinted glasses.

Until...

..that final burst of passive aggressive scissor-on-felt work that changed the world:

http://youtu.be/STRGKm7T72M

Blue songs really are like tattoos



bluetista.jpgVIOLENT BEAUREGARD!

Morganti Posted 01 June 2014 - 10:59 PM
BLUETISTA though...


 

Blue songs are like tattoos

You know I've been to sea before
Crown and anchor me
Or let me sail away



Df_QRz88g4nw_RQAH.png
Brian Fowler Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:07 PM
What the fuck was Smurftista wearing?

w. josh  Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:08 PM
Diva-tista! Although if I were Bryan or Cena, I'd be a little worried that Big Dave was dressed like a Bella.

Cristobal Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:09 PM
Roidy Smurf

 Reed Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:12 PM
Smurf Batista is the best Batista.



Hey Blue, here is a song for you
Ink on a pin
Underneath the skin
An empty space to fill in



diva_9.jpg

Piranesi Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:30 PM
MOTHERFUCKERS WE HAVE A : BATISTA FASHION WATCH: Final edition?????

After you assholes already took all the good ones

THIS WEEK:
Cosplayer who confused feet and inches when ordering material for his FIFTH ELEMENT Alien Diva outfit and tried to front his way through... as illustrated in the following exchange
 

Dave: "What?  No guys! I'm Mystique right at the beginning of a shift.  DUH!  THAT WAS ALWAYS THE CONCEPT!"
 

Randy: "Really, Dave, really? So then why am I'm wearing Mila Jovovich duct tape on my nipples and crack, Dave?  Why is my crack chafing right now, Dave?  You know how much these cut into the skin?"

Dave: "I THOUGH FEET WAS TWO LITTLE APOSTROPHES OKAY!!!"

 



Well there're so many sinking now
You've got to keep thinking
You can make it thru these waves

 


batista_air_jordan_xx8_28_blue_03.jpg
The shoes?  Custom Air Jordan XX8.  Ruined.

Reed  Posted 01 June 2014 - 11:31 PM
I'm genuinely sad Dave Batista is leaving.
NOW WHOSE CLOTHES WILL I LAUGH AT???????

Tristof Posted 02 June 2014 - 12:24 AM
Batista, again, takes the fall (this case - the first fall). I think the dirt-sheets are wrong about him.
They pacified the Animal by letting him choose his ring attire for this return. And we're all worse off for it. Damn you, WWE.



Acid, booze, and ass
Needles, guns, and grass
Lots of laughs



bluetista3.jpg

Cristobal Posted 02 June 2014 - 12:46 AM
Between his balding stubble, his dyed beard, his lost weight and weird outfit, Batista looked like a bad attempt at making a Batista CAW.

Piranesi Posted 02 June 2014 - 12:57 AM
Stretch Armstrong when the fluid starts leaking.

2008hank_BATMAN_425x381.jpg
 Victator Posted 02 June 2014 - 02:24 AM
Batista is Hank Venture as Batman now.



Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go
Well I don't think so
But I'm gonna take a look around it though



The Natural Posted 02 June 2014 - 05:59 AM
Bp_F2vi_VIEAEVqd.jpg




     Blue, I love you


oie_57488w6plswf_Y.png

Dave posted on 03 June 2014 -  09:32 AM

 

6 guys go 2 war and beat the shit out of each other and what do the genius smarks walk away with?”Batista wore blue!What a loser!” #dipshits.



ECONOMY OF MEANS, PEOPLE.  MAXIMUM IMPACT WITH MINIMUM MATERIAL.  Pure genius.
Already a thousand CAW's have been posted.  When all is done, no other single ensemble will have had the impact of some blue underwear and some sexy dayglo spats.
He jobbed (again), ended his run without a title win or a single meaningful victory or any fans, and yet he will be remembered forever for what he did that night.

And that was it.  Legacy secured? Yes.  Culture forever changed? Yes.  Landscape of color and texture expanded?  Yes.  24 hours later he would be gone...with just one last beautiful outfit and one wave of his princess hand.

But that's for the epilog.  and that's for another day...As for now
bluetista_21.jpg
Just take a quick rope lean and catch your breathe.  



Blue here is a shell for you
Inside you'll hear a sigh
A foggy lullaby


2d9wgid.gif    There is your song from me

The end?
 

  • Like 2
Posted

Blue, blue my world is blue,

blue is my world now that I'm without you...

 

Sinatra always says it best.

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