Thank You Big Dave Batista

[piranesi]

Now that it's all done, I think it's time to take stock of Big Dave Batista.  A few nights ago he tweeted his frustration about you goddamn genius smarks and it really made me think about how much he's given us all the last few months.

Personally, he's given me about 200 likes just from Batista Fashion Watch alone.  But dammit, there was more to him than just that.  So I thought it might be nice to revisit some highlights, mostly clothes based yes, but also potato/stuffing stuff to see just when and why you assholes stopped appreciating all his hard work.

So I give you a few early glimpses into the Return of BATISTA:  Fashion Highlights as well as a few representative posts from the major turning points in what can only be called the most awaited and successful part-time return in the history of sports entertainment.

You will notice that as these go on, the posts will get fewer and the outfits will get lazier as first you asshole internet jerks, and eventually Big Dave himself...just stop caring.
 
Words and lyrics for the background by Sophie Zelmani
Hit Play and follow along with the lyrics.  Trust me...goosebumps...

 
Raw 1/21: The Return
 
It's daybreak
And you are asleep
I can hear you breathe now
Your breath is deep

piranesi, on 21 Jan 2014 - 12:06 AM, said:
Why was Batista dressed like Claire Dunphy from MODERN FAMILY?

Niners Fan in CT, on 21 Jan 2014 - 12:12 AM, said:
Batista returned... or was it Pitbull?

 
 
But before I go
I look at you one last time
I can hear a heartbeat
Is it yours or is it mine?
    

Big Dave will only open the top if it's important to the story
    Fat Spanish Waiter, on 21 Jan 2014 - 12:11 AM, said:
     I feel like only Batista was really awesome there.
     Did Batista look weird? Has he had his eyebrows plucked?

 
I look at your lips
I know how soft they can be
Did they know what they wanted
The times they kissed me?

 

     Reed, on 21 Jan 2014 - 12:21 AM, said:
No other grandpa in the world dresses like Batista.

piranesi, on 21 Jan 2014 - 12:22 AM, said:
Unless your grandpa is Ben Gazzara.  Then he probably does.

 
And your hands
I held in mine
Now they're reposing on the pillow
Will they ever miss me sometime?

Here modelling the blouse worn by Lucy Liu in CHARLIES ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE

   

jaedmc, on 21 Jan 2014 - 1:36 PM, said:
        So glad he's back. If he's on for two years, it'll be perfect for him to start as returning hero and then turn him into vengeful egomaniac after the movie is over and done with. Then maybe I can get a proper Punk/Batista rematch.
        
        editors nore: HAHAHAHA, JAE!!!!
        
            E.J., on 21 Jan 2014 - 6:02 PM, said:
    Batista should come out in a polo shirt next week, just to watch this whole board turn on him.
   

 
 
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
That is all that I can do
And I'll remember

 
    
    Royal Rumble:
 
Your eyes
That always make me shiver
Now they are closed
They just sometimes twitch a little

    Brian Fowler: Posted 26 January 2014 - 11:46 PM
WOW.

That crowd is NOT happy.

 JonnyLaw Posted 27 January 2014 - 12:03 AM

Also, I can't believe no one else has commented on the fact that Batista was too blown up to celebrate his victory.

 
And your body
I could hold for an hour
It sent me to heaven
With it's heat and power

Josh Mann Posted 27 January 2014 - 12:08 AM
 Batista's main event babyface push might be DOA.
 
 Fallacy! Posted 27 January 2014 - 12:11 AM

His cardio seems worse than The Rock's was when he came back. Randy Orton is going to have to carry him at WM 30. How frightening of a thought is that?

 
'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
That is all that I can do
And I'll remember
 

Brian Fowler Posted 27 January 2014 - 12:15 AM


 

[Matt D]

I am now leaning towards the idea that you are not some guy with a wife but instead a complicated AI from the future that has infected our internet in a way to...

 

Ok, so I don't have motive yet, but the evidence is still leaning this way.

[piranesi]

Batista Retrospective Part 2:  The Turning
Note:  As much as people make fun of his threads, this little history lesson would be impossible without MGFanJay's ridiculous posts.

 

Words and Lyrics by Elton John

 

Raw 1/27 Post-Rumble

 

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled

 

 Niners Fan in CT Posted 28 January 2014 - 12:44 AM

I could sense the fear in Batista's eyes hidden behind his shades. Brock came out like "I saw your attempt at MMA.. LOL"

 

They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

 

What?  I had a gift card at Anthropologie!
brandonr4s, on 28 Jan 2014 - 02:04 AM, said:
    Royal Rumble winners usually get X-Pac heat, right?
    
Big Fresh Posted 28 January 2014 - 02:08 AM
There's no such thing as "X-Pac Heat". Batista is getting heat. And if WWE parlayed it into Batista vs. Bryan, it would be molten hot. But since they're not going to, it's wasted heat.

 

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in

 

The Good, The Badd, and the casually art-school

 

Go2Sleep Posted 28 January 2014 - 07:47 AM
The Batista/Orton segment was just sad really. The wide shot of Batista glaring at the hard camera waiting for the boos to pass with a "Please Leave Batista" sign in the background pretty much summed it up. Batista has no idea what to do with these reactions.

Raw 2/3

And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did

Piranesi Posted 04 February 2014 - 12:11 AM
Batista Wardrobe Watch:  This week's entry:

The denim jacket your mom bought at Coldwater Creek so she could fit in better with those bitches at Michael's

Between him and Del Rio that looked like a fight you might see go down at Hobby Lobby.

Hey guys, the premise here is that there really are a lot of retail stores that cater to old ladies.

Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid

Big Dave finding his level!!!

 

hammerva  Posted 04 February 2014 - 12:12 AM
Oh and don't forget that nose ring on Batista.   I mean no wonder he gets blown up his breathing is blocked

 pipGofern Posted 04 February 2014 - 12:13 AM
At least Batista rocked skinny jeans. Somebody needs to tell Del Rio that boot cut are so 2005.

 

Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude

Greggulator  Posted 04 February 2014 - 12:27 AM

Also, Batista is truly the worst. I think I've said it before but aside from that end run where he had the killer "kissing babies and hugging fat chicks" line that dude was awful. I hate everything about him. His jeans tonight were so friggin' awful. Also, his music seems like something every cross-fit enthusiast has on an iPod warm-up mix. Ugh. Can they redo that contract? Or at least have him heel?

 PowerPB13 Posted 04 February 2014 - 10:46 AM
The anti-Batista sentiment is so strong that DEL RIO got some cheers

 

Goodbye Norma Jean
From the young man in the 22nd row
Who sees you as something as more than sexual
More than just our Marilyn Monroe

 

[Burgundy LaRue]

You should have read Piranesi's American Idol: Season 5 monologues.  The stuff of Bond Street legend:  when you want your man to smoke only the best non-filter cigarettes.

[Raziel]

I'm really starting to believe that Piranesi is the greatest man who ever lived...

 

aside from his Cardinal fandom of course.

[Matt D]

I'm really starting to believe that Piranesi is the greatest man who ever lived...

 

aside from his Cardinal fandom of course.

 

I think we should be contacting his family to help with the intervention.

[Brian Fowler]

I don't buy for one second him being a heel before Wrestlemania was part of the plan, but damn did they run with it.

 

I wish he'd been in better ring-shape for this run though, because Christ he was awful.  And he's a guy who had been pretty solid (and sometimes very good) the last few years of his first run.  Putting him in six mans with The Shield helped a lot though.

 

God I still love the "FUCK THIS COMPANY" meme pic.

[Ryan]

Not paying much attention, is it only a coincidence that the search for piranesi on google is immediately an artist that had Battista in his name or is this part of the joke I'm not in on?

[Antacular]

Wow.

[Fallacy!]

I was hoping/expecting there to be a screencap picture of Batista's outfits from each week on RAW inside the spoiler tags. Son, I am disappoint. Next time you're going to devote this much time to what a TV character is wearing, please remember the importance of visuals.

 

What I'm basically saying is, THIS THREAD IS USELESS WITHOUT PICS.

[Bill S. Preston ESQ.]

That Batista/Dolph Ziggler No DQ match on Smackdown was really well done. I might even put it in a Top 20 list so far. Going to miss Mr. Rogaine.

[JohnnyJ]

my favorite moments from big Dave's run:

1. Flipping off the crowd at the Royal Rumble.

2. That weak ass spinebuster he gave Ambrose on the stairs.

3. Mercilessly beating up ADR and temporarily turning ADR face in the process

4. Deal with it!!

5. Bluetista

6. Bootista.

7. That's crap. This is crap. Everything's a crap crap . I'm out.

[piranesi]

I was hoping/expecting there to be a screencap picture of Batista's outfits from each week on RAW inside the spoiler tags. Son, I am disappoint. Next time you're going to devote this much time to what a TV character is wearing, please remember the importance of visuals.

 

What I'm basically saying is, THIS THREAD IS USELESS WITHOUT PICS.

 

THEY'RE IN THERE!!!! ONE FOR EACH SHOW unless he only wore tights.  ROYAL RUMBLE HE ONLY WORE TIGHTS!!!!!

 

also no notes.

[piranesi]

The Strange Glorious Journey of Dave Batista: Part 3...The Chamber.

Note: I'm trying to keep this chronological and this phase was light on fashion as Big Dave seemed for a moment to think he could tough this out based on phsyique alone.   So only a couple of outfit pictures, FALLACY!  But not to fear, the best numbers are yet to come.

 

Until then, embrace the pathos as a few people begin to feel bad for the man.
Words and lyrics by Belle and Sebastian

Raw 2/10
Sadly, nothing clothing related so no picture.


You made me forget my dreams
When I woke up to you sleeping
We had peace for a night at least
But the trouble starts today
This morning you'll say

 

But Fallacy! wants pics of the best Batista outfits so

Ramsey Posted 11 February 2014 - 09:14 AM
Batista is the drizzling shits and it feels like the live crowds and, to a lesser extent, WWE mangement are figuring that out.

Scraylo187  Posted 11 February 2014 - 02:02 PM
Batista looked terrible in the dark main event. The guy can barely move, and it seems like he's furious that he hasn't been handed huge pops and fan reactions just for being back.

"I'll see you sometime, maybe"
And I fall back to uneasy sleep

 Fat Spanish Waiter Posted 11 February 2014 - 11:29 PM
How many muscle tears per full rotation of a Giant Swing would Batista suffer?

Piranesi Posted 11 February 2014 - 11:41 PM
If it falls off the bone, it's not a tear.  Just good marinating.

You made me forget my dreams
I was building a space rocket
With the boy who played bass guitar
With the boy who's wearing flares
He didn't care

Raw 2/17

He lit the fuse and ran for a mile
The space rocket went up in style
The space rocket went up in style

Piranesi Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:23 AM
Batista fashion watch:

This week is an AMERICAN IDOL-themed combo.

Daughtry's shirt
Carrie Underwood's jeans
Paula Abdul's wit: "You say you're a face, you're really a butt!"
Fantastic, Dave.

I'll lend you two hundred quid
For a flight across the ocean

The belt is sewn into the pants.  I can't get them off without my seamstress

 

Greggulator Posted 18 February 2014 - 12:44 AM
Man, Batista is just the absolute worst. I was really hoping that ADR was going to say something about his awful belly button tattoo. I thought that was the direction we were headed.

Go2Sleep Posted 18 February 2014 - 08:04 AM
How quickly has Batista's stock fallen? He went from super-hyped Rumble return/win to 2 minutes of tv time a week if he's lucky.  If you did a list of total tv time this week, Batista would be behind Los Matadores, Fandango, and Jinder Mahal. B-List era indeed.

Maybe things will look better there
Because they couldn't be much worse
Than tears and a curse

Lazy Jedi cosplay.  You could at least tape over the rings for the hood strings

 

RIPPA, on 18 Feb 2014 - 09:01 AM, said:
    Funnily enough - Pete claims there was a Batista "Boo This Man" sign on RAW last night


 Ramsey Posted 19 February 2014 - 10:12 AM
Batista, just go home. You're not the Rock, you're not in ring shape, and all the HHH buddy time in the world is making anyone give a shit about you.

Elimination Chamber
Sadly no clothing related developments.  Trunks only on PPV, Baby!

For men with guns, maturing in age
Will always pay a shitty wage
They'll always pay a shitty wage

brandonr4s Posted 23 February 2014 - 11:58 PM
Orton/Batista at WM is going to be soooo fun for all the wrong reasons. Fucking idiots.

Brian Fowler, on 23 Feb 2014 - 11:59 PM, said:
    Also, THEY REALLY CHANTED BOOTISTA

 Kaptain Kayfabe Posted 24 February 2014 - 12:05 AM
WWE has a serious problem on their hands with Batista.

You made me forget my dreams
When I woke up to you sleeping

 Harms Posted 24 February 2014 - 12:13 AM
At the end of his match I felt a little sorry for Batista. I mean, when they asked him to come back they must've blown smoke up his arse and told him the crowd would eat up his return. Then when they're shitting all over it they close up on his face and he says "deal with it". But really it's him who's having to deal with it.

JohnnyJPosted 24 February 2014 - 12:31 AM
And then there's Batista. Unfortunately for the WWE, the fans have grown accustomed to a certain level of athleticism/action.


 Craig H Posted 24 February 2014 - 01:00 AM
I just figured out how Big Dave can salvage this return: he needs to play his character like Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street.
Of fuck, Batista is the Channing Tatum of the WWE

 

Hey, Craig H.  Channing Tatum is the new Mathew McConawhatever

There was blood on the sheets again
And the view outside the window
Of gardens in bloom

bink_winkleman, on 24 Feb 2014 - 01:25 AM, said:
    I will be at Mania, and I will stuff myself with all the po boys, beignets, charbroiled oysters, crawfish and gumbo in the fucking city in order to make sure I'm shitting at capacity for Orton/Batista.

Prianesi Posted 24 February 2014 - 01:26 AM
You'll still be less gassed than Big Dave.

Go2Sleep Posted 24 February 2014 - 02:33 AM
Batista matches are almost to the point where I feel bad for him.

 

Hold it in, Dave.  Don't let them see you inside.

Obscured by all the trouble we had
I think I better make a move
I think I better make a move

 

[Antacular]

That selfie can't possibly be a real thing.

[Fallacy!]

 

I was hoping/expecting there to be a screencap picture of Batista's outfits from each week on RAW inside the spoiler tags. Son, I am disappoint. Next time you're going to devote this much time to what a TV character is wearing, please remember the importance of visuals.

 

What I'm basically saying is, THIS THREAD IS USELESS WITHOUT PICS.

 

THEY'RE IN THERE!!!! ONE FOR EACH SHOW unless he only wore tights.  ROYAL RUMBLE HE ONLY WORE TIGHTS!!!!!

 

also no notes.

 

 

There's only a few screencaps in there. You're missing pics for a loooooooooooot of his outfits.

[piranesi]

That first post was only two shows, man.  I need to space out the posts to make room for for the lyrics and the emotions. 

 

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LISTENING TO THE SONG SO TIME WILL STAND STILL!!!!!!

[piranesi]

I went back and added more pictures to appease those who DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!!!!

 

You know who you are.

 

[The Natural]

Reposting what I said in the Payback '14 thread:

 

I've also enjoyed Batista's return from winning the Royal Rumble match, reverting back to his 2010 heel persona, the WrestleMania XXX main event with Daniel Bryan/Randy Orton, Evolution's return, vs. The Shield at Extreme Rules 2014, the clothes and THAT wave. Give me this run over The Rock and Chris Jericho last returns.

[Leonidas]

I don't have enough time to properly dedicate to this thread, I will find 1 - 2 hours off my busy schedule to give it what it deserves.

[Ramsey]

If this world is indeed the Matrix, it is my hope that Piranesi is the operating system.

[bink_winkleman]

The Belle & Sebastian was pretty inspired.

[piranesi]

Trials of Big Dave Episode IV: A new hope? look?  The end of February into March he really began to turn it up in terms of outfits.  It was, it seems, all he had left.

 

As The WHITE HOT INTEREST in Dave Batista's epic run began to settle into a loving domestic familiarity, the frequency of DVDVR mentions of him began to wane.  Some of us kept the faith, however, and were rewarded with some of the boldest ensembles and best rope-leaning in the HISTORY OF THE BUSINESS
 

Nothing in this picture is quite what it used to be



Music and lyrics by Michelle Branch

BUFFY VERSION!


Raw 2/24

 

Sadly tights only but here's a special shout out to Fallacy! who doesn't get how this works:

DRUNK GIRL TANTRUM!

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry

Just need a quick rest after the lockup.
 
 Fallacy! Posted 25 February 2014 - 12:38 AM
How fucking ridiculous does Batista look with the Gracie academy logo on its tights? Like does he realize how lame he looks trying to pass his 46-year-old self off as some legit MMA tough guy when you've got BROCK FUCKING LESNAR on the same show?

 And it's not even like Batista has added any MMA-esque offense to his arsenal. In fact, he basically doesn't do anything but punch, kick, spinebuster and powerbomb. At least CM Punk put a little more effort into his performance when he was wearing the Gracie hoodie.

 

Counting the days that pass me by


Smackdown 2/28

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again

Craig H Posted 26 February 2014 - 10:42 AM
Goddammit Batista, you need to pick a look and stick with it? Are you going with mid-00s metro, are you going to be a hipster, are you going to be an "MMA badass?" Come on, man...

Caley Posted 26 February 2014 - 12:48 PM
I dunno, I'm pretty partial to this incarnation: Batista: World's Biggest Old-Timey Paper Boy: "Extrey! Extrey! Read all about it! Batista hates WWE universe!"

The last three years were just pretend
And I said, Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Old Newboys don't die.  But they also don't keep wearing the outfit.

Piranesi Posted 26 February 2014 - 03:06 PM
He's clearly wearing tap shoes, so I think he has to go right from there to his NEWSIES audition.
If Orton tried to troll him by revealing secret footage of his dinner theater obsession, I would buy Mania even though I have the network...just to support local theater.

Greggulator Posted 26 February 2014 - 03:10 PM
Batista taking lessons from Aiden English writes itself.

 Matt D Posted 26 February 2014 - 03:31 PM

Oh man, oh man! The Newsies vs West Side Story thing they could do with Batista vs Ambrose would be awesome.

 

Piranesi Posted 26 February 2014 - 03:47 PM

Also, and as always, Seth Rollins is:

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

tromataker  Posted 28 February 2014 - 08:53 PM
Batista is Dr. Andre Nowzick on steroids


Piranesi Posted 01 March 2014 - 12:16 AM

Andy Capp has been having the genetically modified hot fries lately.

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Victator Posted 01 March 2014 - 12:39 AM

Batista has found his old charisma and presence. Now that is working house shows, he'll be back to form.

 

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

[The Z]

Can we post some of our favorite Batista fashion faux pas here?

 

 

 

 

[Brian Fowler]

STOP USING MUSIC THAT I LOVE!