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DEATH VALEY DRIVERETTE 512014- JUDO~! SERENA FUCKIN DEEB~!


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DRIVERETTE 512014
 
Young RIPPA has stated that this will be part of DVDVR 172.  Unless this sucks, then this will be part of a mutually shared bad dream.
Yes.
THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!
 
!@!@!@!@!@!@ OZ ACADEMY- 4/16/2014- (DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Oh yes.  It is referred to as the Joshi Puroresu.  The thing nowadays about Joshi is that it SEEMS to be deader and deader every year, yet never really keels over and dies.  It's kinda like a really severe version of wrestling itself- except Joshi could actually fade away forever but I don't think wrestling itself will ever completely go away.  I dunno.  The only Joshi I ever REALLY got into was GAEA, and that was because Chigusa and company came up with really fun angles, filled with intrigue and suspense and betrayal!  Everything else was kinda like a series of house shows for the most part.(1)   Oz Academy was a huge chuck of the greatness of GAEA but it has never really picked up any of the steam to rekindle much of the GAEA magic.  I don't know why.  Anyhoos!  ON TO THE Lllllaaaaaaaadies.....
 
SAKURA HIROTA vs KAGETSU:  Well,  I see that Sakura Hirota still wrestles!  Checking the Cagenet.net website, I find that she... JESUS.  Hirota is 36 years old?  Man, she has been wrestling 17 years now.(2)  She looks really good for an older wrestling lady- in that she has put on her womanly girth without actually going to seed- thus she is imposing without being all Wal-Marty.  I see that she is still about comedy spots- which is probably why isn't wearing a kneebrace now.  Kagetsu is new to me.(3)  She is a youth that is not afraid to lay it in in a opening comedy match so I immediately dig her.  But it is still a comedy match and IIIIIIIIII find most comedy matches not worthy of my precious time.  Let me put on my monocle and move on to the next match.... WHOA! HOLD IT! Hey Man!  The finish is stiff AND weird.  Billion stars for sheer lesbianic bebafflement.  Kudos, aging clown wrestler, Kudos...
 
CARLOS AMANO/ MANAMI TOYOTA vs KAORI YONEYAMA/ HIROYO MATSUMOTO:  I've dug all these gals at some point in my Joshi Viewing Lifetime- some memories are more clear- Toyota, Amani, Yoneyama- than others- Matsumoto.  I seem to remember Yoneyama and Matsumoto(4) during the dying days of JWP TV- before JWP started running garages and bowling alleys.(5)  The last saw of Manami Toyota was a WHILE ago and she had started replacing her haphazard high-flying with pretty effective Old Mean Lady Assbeatingness.  She has girthed up even more- which makes her low-grade current high-flying look a lot better- as now it's got some ass behind it.  The match is strange.  They do all these  Gilligan's Island-level comedy spots and then go directly into 57 suplexes.  I have no beef with your shitty hilarious wrestling if you follow it up with an endless string of suplexes, so this match is staying above water- even if Amano, Yoneyama, and Matsumoto are not setting the world on fire with their in-ring technique.  C'mon, guys Japanese wrestling without Fighting Spirit is the worst of all possible wrestling.  Oh man, Manami's Hateful Great Aunt Missile Dropkick is soooo much nastier now but this match is losing steam- and it's losing steam on unforced errors as they do a parade of total goofball spots that totally turns me on this match.  Why start building up a head of steam with Manami beginning to start kicking folks asses and then do a batch comedy spots?  Many wrestlers in this match should know better- and I just get the feeling that they didn't care any more.  Yeesh.
 
TOMOKA NAKAGAWA vs HIKARU SHIDA:  Holy fudge!  Gottdam, Hikaru Shida is one saucy lookin' vixen- as we say here in the South.  OF MY PANTS!  Let me rush to Cagematch.net and look at Hikaru Shida's biography- because being a son of the sacred soil of Virginia, even in my HEART, 16 will get you 20.(6)  Okay, we're good.  Joshi nerds can jack off to their hearts content without feeling any creepier than they usually do.   I think the boots bedecked in Invincible Ironman colors is adding to YOUR feeling that this is waay too much overall pathetic creepiness in this wrestling review.  Fuck the world, they absolutely rock.  But let me apologize for taking you to places I myself want to go.(7)  Now, as they lock up, I will move away- well, one more thing.  She has a... like a... "If She Were Born In Carolina, She Would Be A Denny's Waitress" vibe to her.  There is a part of me that finds that alluring.  Okydoke.  Back to the thing with the thing.   I'm sure I've seen Tomoko Nakagawa but I can't recall.(8)   She is wearing leather pants but not in a Catwoman kind of way.    They do some stuff and don't really lean into it much.  It's kinda like a indie match during the time period of WCW cruiserweights- where it was what you saw on TV but at half speed and 1/2 stiffness.  Nakagawa does fruity embellishments to her dropkicks to the sitting opponent- something I think I've hated for solid decade now.  Hikaru's offense is a lot more fun and tooth-loosening, though she does the 40 yard sprint to- choose one- [kick/lariat/bash in the head with a light tube] spot that I have hated for a solid decade now.   She does hit the nice GTS into a back-breaker which would have to suck to take.  They kinda do stuff to each other with varying success of looking good- the pinnacle is good lariat by Nakagawa and really nice spinning pinwheel savat spinning crescent kick by Hikaru.  What the hey!  A FALCON ARROW~! in the 2-0-TEENZ~!  Hey they are still doing the SHINING WIZARDO~! in the Mid-Teenz Of The New Centruy.  Finish is fun and rollingaroundy!   This match was more about the Youth of Asian ruining quality Under Armour work out shorts than it was about finding a saviour for Joshi Puroresu,  Though they may be related?  Things to ponder- as we wander- to the next match...
TO BE CONTINUED!
 
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES
##############################GOING 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY
What do you knoooooooooooooooooooooow?
 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ SERENA DEEB vs MIA YIM- PRO WRESTLING BOMBSHELLS- 3/8/2014: I reviewed a Serena Deeb match against that wee Japanese hellion- Kana- from SMASH! and I really dug young Deeb.  This match is from last month and she's grown her hair out and is wearing a more- you know, the area that a lady has between her shoulders and her belly button- intensive top, a play which I will back 100%.  I am UNFAMILIAR with Mia Yim (probably).(9)  They are wrestling in one of the four thousand ballrooms in the Northeast where one can stage a wrestling match- of which I have been to a few in my time.  They make with the standing switches early and the announcer is yelling a lot.  Allow me to turn him down.  This starts pretty basic, but is already a lot better than the three Oz Academy matches I watched earlier. They hit it with a lot more purpose and intensity- even when working a headlock spot.  Hey, they work a headlock spot!  And Serena makes with a drop toe hold!  These gals should go wrestle in All-Star Wrestling in Great Britain.  This is fun- what with the endless roll-ups into a weird ass Two Count Rolling Cradle Ball rolling aboot the ring.  Then they start beating the hell out of each other with chops to the GIRLPECS~!  It's official, I like Mia Yim.  OKayOkayOkayOkayOkay, Hold on hold on hold on- HOW DOES SERENA DEEB HAVE THE BEST PUNCHES IN WRESTLING? JESUS CHRIST, WATCH THIS MATCH. Her punches look fucking GREAT.  God, this match is awesome.  Deeb procures the Leg Based Full Nelson Variation and Serena becomes more and more evil.  Serena's offense looks really great and a lot of that is Yim leaning into it.  Serena hits the RIB-BRREAKAH! but Yim fights back- and her offence isn't as nasty looking as Deeb's but still is pretty hurty looking most of the time.  Finish is weird in that wierd is GREAT here- IN THAT they hit a finisher and the person hit with this finisher is THEN PINNED- in 2014!  This match was great.  Deebs should just punch people the whole match.  She is now fucking awesome.       
-------------------------------
ENDNOTES
1.  I should not generalize like this without mentioning that there is probably 8,000 hours of LLPW somewhere out there that I haven't seen-  though I wish it would surface so we could make Rippa watch it.  That was awesome.
2.  Cagenet.net says Hirota brings her softball and swimming background to her wrestling stylings.  If she was in Baptist drunk league softball, I would truly dig a late career ass-stomper bizarre comeback for the matriarch of lady comedy matches.
3.  Cagematch sez that Kagetsu is 21 years old, 5'3" and weights 136 lbs.  She knows the judo!  Oh man, she was trained by fuckin Meiko Satomura. 
4. Okay, I'm thinking of somebody else- my guess, Ran Yu Yu.  Cagematch tellz me that Hiroyo Matsumoto is 28, 5'6", and weighs 156 lbs.   She does not claim to know judo.  The bio on Yoneyama is awesome: she is 4'11" and her background is in badminton.(10)  She can turn it all around at this point of her career if she wrestles for Shimmer and debuts her ShuttleCock Driver '14.
5.  A joshi Beleiber will fill me in if they actually ran a skating rink.  Joshi can take your wrestling fandom from 0 to suicidal depression in 3 seconds.
6. Via the Cagematch.net database,  Hikaru Shida is 25 years old, 5'5" and weights 125 lbs.   One can masturbate furious... I mean... follow her on the internet here: http://ameblo.jp/shidahikaru. Hey, she was trained by Emi Sakura!  She knows the Judo.
7. Iron Man= Erotic?  Jiminy fuck, Rasmussen, what is your DEAL? I say to myself.  Daily.
8. Via the Cagenet.match database, Tomoka Nakagawa is GEEZ! 32 years old.  Folks had complete careers that I have completely glossed over.  She is 5'1" and weighs 125 lbs? I'm guessing every 94 pound wrestler in Joshi is listed as 125.  Hey, she trained by Yoshida! She does not know the Judo.
9. Cagematch sez Mia Wim is 25 years old, 5'7" and weighs 125 lbs(!).  Maybe all women in wrestling weigh 125 pounds.  She does not claim to know Judo but she does bring a volleyball background to her grappling. 
10. Okay I made is all the way to age 48 without realizing its "BadmiNton" not "BadmiTten".  One never stops learning.  
 
 

 

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