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DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE- 4292014


DEAN

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DRIVERETTE 4292014

 

The word from here on out is DISCIPLINE! Writing DISCIPLINE!  

 

You can read this now or wait for the Death Valley Driver Video Review 171 where this will appear (unless this particular Driverette sucks ass, and- if so-  then you will read this again no more forever.)  Either way, PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING, MOTHERFUCKER.

 

~$~

 

 

!@!@!@!@!@!@ BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 3/27/2014- (Dean Rasmussen)

SHINOBU/ BRAHMAN SHU/ BRAHMAN KEI vs MADOKA/ HERCULES SENGA/ TSUTOMU OOSUGI: I'm glad I've memorized the roster of Big Japan Pro Wrestling so I can add the first names to the line up that goes unmentioned when you pull up the Youtube video. (1)  Fuck it, IIIIIIII like the Brahman Brothers because- though I hate Wrestling Hilarity- I DO truly enjoy guys who will lay it in.  And the Brahman boys beat the catpiss out of you a lot harder than they with will make the viewer keel over with side-splitting hilarity.  Shinobu and Madoka are good second tier (undersized) Strong Style Division guys- so one can only hope that this doesn't turn into groin bowling and the usual retarded powder spots.   You can also hope that Kate Upton shows up at your doorstep and take you to Denny's.  Cuz the Brahman do a thing and that is their thing- whatever kind of match you wanted be damned. (2)  But lets go ahead and watch this fucking thing so we get on to the death matches that I will hate.  Until I watch them and then I will find some kind of redeeming feature- as is my want when I descend into the depths of Big Japan vampire death matches.  So here we go.  It's nine minutes- WHAT'S IT GONNA HURT?  After all this, they do this as a pretty fun straight 6 man match- with the Brahman hitting a Worlds Best Total Elimination on Madoka. OooooSugi stomps on Kei and then water starts flying everywhere.  Then luggage groin bowling.  Then it's back to the straight 6 man.  Then Hercules becomes blackened but goes crazy and throws everybody over the toprope and then gets the pinfall.  So you will always have that.  In that, it was a variation on the Brahman match.  In that, the other four guys would blend in to the 700 other indie 120 pound juniors in Japanese wrestling.  In that the modern age allows to not even deal with the opening matches much less fast forward over them like in the old days.  In that you really have to drill down for one to realize that two of these guys are the tag team the Speed of Sounds.(3)  In that.


 

KAZUKI HASHIMOTO/ DAICHI HASHIMOTO vs RYUICHI SEKINE/ TAKYUKI UEKI:  C'mon guys,  you got fuggin Double Hash and you give it seven minutes?  Couldn't cut any of the forty minutes of guys standing around to get hit in the head light tubes?  So please, fell free to suck it!   For those new to the game, Daichi is son of legendary wrestler Shinya Hashimoto- a man that TRUE men base their lives upon.  Kazuki is the fatter one who looks like he is the bastard son or possibly wayward son of Shinya Hashimoto's sister Wanda Hashimoto.  Sekine and Ueki I do not recall ever seeing.(4) Luckily, they aren't afraid to mix it up with assorted Hashs and bring a wad of Fighting Spirit to the proceedings- in this, the finest 7 minute match where guys kick each other in the chest a lot.  I really dig this Sekine guy.  He'll punch you right in the teeth.  The last part is Ueki forearming K-Hash until K-Hash says (5), "Why! Enough of this nonsense!" and just crushes Ueki's skull with a headbutt.  Ueki struggles to find the inner FIRE to survive but he eventually taps the tap of the Big Japan rookie in a 7 minute match.


 

MANABOOOO SOYA/ HIDEYOSHI KAMITANI vs SHINYA ISHIKAWA/ RYUICHI KAWAKAMI: I don't recall Kamitani, but I am 48 years old and I have four children, two teenage daughters, a full-time job and I used to drink a lot so I may have seen him in a six man here or there.(6)  The other guys- I actually really really dig.  So I am stoked!  Manabu's get-up gets more feral as Kawakami's hairstyle gets more and more Emo.  Kamitani's paunts are hilariously bad- plum shorts with a red longhorn skull on the back?  My mind wanders to where that would possibly be fashionable or bad ass or anything other than something one would find next to the expired Russian cookies at Roses.  Actually, the Roses angle makes me love the pants now.  I am a child.  Meanwhile, they were doing Pro Wrestling time killing things while I pondered a 22 year old's little paunts.  I am possibly secretly creepy.  Kawakami mixes it up with the youthfullest of the four- and gives him a lot, but also beats the living pee out of him.   Soya and Kawakami go all Big Japan Strongstyle so YOU fall in love and become hopelessly devoted to THIS MATCH!  Man, Kawakami is growing on me.  HOLY FLIPPIN BALLS, The Kawakami EVEREST Backdrop Driver is to die for.  Ishikawa tags in and Soya hits the EVEREST Vertical Suplex and I am pasting the pointing of loving this matching.  BLAZILLION STARS. Teenboy Kamatani tags in and adds comical dropkicks to the proceedings before hitting a more in context of the match style side suplex.  mHe also hits a toprope shoulder block that crushes the lanky Texan Ishikawa in a very impressive way.  Ishikawa is so impressed that he fuckin DESTROYS youthboy with a running forearm to the face- TWICE!-  and this match is ruling the fucking world as much as any 13 minute match could or should.  Oh man, dig the old school finish.  Postmatch, Soya and Kawakami set up a match I am STOKED to see come to fruition.  Big Japan Strong Style RULEZ.


 

MASATO INABA/ MASAYA TAKAHASHI/ SABURO INEMATSU vs JAKI NUMAZAWA/ JUN KASAI/ TAKUMI TSAKAMOTO:  Well, here we go with the deathmatch portion of the evening.  I checked the Cagematch.net bios and this quite the smorgasborg of shitty indie guys.  The walking around begins early.  It's odd.  Everybody throws immensely shitty punches and everybody blades- yet the match before- and (GOD KNOWS) the match after- look 75000 times more violent and painful- and yet both of those matches are bladeless and plundahless .(7)  It just goes to show that Strongstyle is the TRUE hardcore style when both are shown in the light of day.  Sheesh.  This match is fucking horrible for the most part, though I did kinda dig Masaya Takahashi and Tsakamoto- in that they kinda could be combined into one wrestler that did enough decent looking stuff that I would like him.  So you got.  You will always have that.  


 

KOHEI SATO/ SHUJI ISHIKAWA vs RYUJI ITO/ YUKO MIYAMOTO:  I watched this last week- mostly because I secretly totally love Shuji ishikawa.  Ishikawa is probably the stiffest crowbar in all of JAPAN.  I don't actually have to get in the ring, I am a wrestling fan.  THUS, I love watching Ishikawa because he will fucking LAY IT IN.  I'm also an American.  If I was in a situation where I would have to face Shuji Ishikawa, I would wave a gun at him from a tower.  People that are employed by Big Japan and hover around their weird ass region betwixt the Strong Style/Tag section and the Death Match section, usually getting mauled by Ishikawa at some point.  Here, he is tagging with Kohei Sato, who I haven't really thought of much in the last couple of year- it's nothing he's done, it's just that Zero-One doesn't surface much on the internet and I try limit my wrestling viewing to the internet.  Sato realizes that to make this match work, he will have to match the stiffness of Ishikawa.  ishikawa's level of stiffness is already PREPOSTEROUS.  Sato matching his stiffness inspires Ishikawa to work, like, DEVOID-OF-A-GOD, MERCILESSLY stiff.  Miyamoto and Ito have been around and the total Mulkization that they endure is pretty fucking harrowing- though you do get a real Rock N Roll Express vibe as Miyamoto hits some offense and then just gets fucking slaughtered while the crowd goes all molten for his comeback.  Ito is fun as Robert Gibson but trading forearms with Shuji ishjikawa is no way to go through life, my son.  Soo fucking intense.  Probably my Japan match of the year so far.  I am not you.


 

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW

 

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES

##############################GOING 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY

And we won't be together much longer unless we realize that we are the same.

 

%%%%%%%%%% CMLL- REY ESCORPION vs MAXIMO- 4/20/2014: I was excited to see this pop up in the TheCubsFan thing from Youtube today.  And WHY NOT!?  Rey Escorpion is bringing out ass-stomp on all assorted Brazos- and Maximo being the most exotic Brazo means the working against type should be pretty dramatic and awesome.  Or it could suck.  I haven't seen many Maximo matches about which I ever actually gave a shit- but this is for the title and this is against the guy who orchestrated a pretty Horseman-like postmatch stompdown on his uncle so hopefully: hatred and blood.  The first caida is perfectly fine, I guess.  It focuses on the title aspect of the match, avoids anything too interesting and collapses into a half-crab on Escorpion for Maximo to take the first fall.  Second fall is clumsy and crappy and is over in 45 seconds, as Escorpion rolls Maximo into a Rings O Saturn and one can only hope that the third fall is going long to allow them to mop up all the blood.   We shall see.  Third fall starts fun with Maximo hitting a totally fat boy tope after hitting a lot of in-ring high-flying really cleanly.  Escorpion opts for the equally fat boy tope con hilo and we are back to basic lucha libre, basic roll-ups and a few nearfalls as the story unfolds- with a very nasty Maximo powerslam to bring the DANGER!  Maximo needs to gain-like- 45 more pounds.  He hits a Love Machine Splash and you can tell it sucked to be Escorpion, but if he fattened up just a little bit, it would look so much more painful.  But, looking at his family history, I'm sure this a not DREAM but a PREDICTION!  They do a little more nearfall mania and Maximo sexually assaults Escorpion by kissing him, leading to a pinfall- but the seconds both stop two different 3 counts, here and later.  Escorpion makes with the foule and YOU and IIIII will have to wait for the hair of one man to be put up against the hair of the other man for us to get anything transcendent out of this match up.  So yeah, this match was a perfectly fine title match- though the foule is kinda un-title-y, what with the air of legitimacy of title matches supposedly wrestled as if the athletic commission would have to approve the match.  Thus, the entire 3 fall is not true Lucha Title Match form, as IIIIII would be handing down fine after fine on the wrestlers, the ref, the seconds and the promoter.  I went into this match expecting at least 1/5th of euphoric greatness of Escorpion vs Super Porky, which wasn't a CRAZY thing to expect.  So yeah, fuck this match.  Wait for something with some hate attached to it.  


 

~$~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ EXPLOSIVE PRO WRESTLING- RAMPAGE BROWN vs MICKY FINN- 4/27/2014: Rampage Brown is flying up my list of not just favorite wrestlers wrestling in Britain but favorite wrestlers wrestling in wrestling rings.  I vaguely remember seeing Mickey Finn.  He does have the seedy Cockney Snakepit BASTARD look to him, so he is already ahead of the game as we begin.  He works the arm- which is smart because Rampage uses his arm when he is beating the dog crap out of you, so definitely hold on to the arm.  Nouvelle Brit wrestling is awesome not just because it approximates World Of Sport- style wrestling to some degree, but is also the last bastion of a LOT of things: such as in this match, Finn works the arm into a headscissors spot to the spot where Rampage escapes and shoots into the ropes to go back into Finn working the arm.  Nobody does that anymore.  From that, Rampage does his Budding Fit Finlay stylings by just hitting totally great looking, assholish heel offense.  He then threatens to beat up all the snot nosed kids in the audience and your LOVE for RAMPAGE is now LOVE WITHOUT END.  Finn takes his ass-beating and shows the SPARK! the FIRE! and LOVE OF GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP! to not quit!  The brats in the audience clap and cheer as he gets to his feet!  He battles back and shoots Rampage into the ropes!  He's gonna..Oh wait.  Rampage totally just fucking kills him.  Finn makes with a few more HOPE SPOTS~!(8) and Rampage kicks him right in the face a few times.  The children are upset.  Rampage is making them even more upset by SCOFFING at their booing!  They trade elbows so this is just extra added AngloGrapploFun.  Finn gets Rampage sitting in the corner and Rampage's skanky valet charges at Finn and is drop-toe-holded into Rampage's manly parts!- though she seems to weigh about 73 pounds, so it could only hurt so much.  Finn then hits a fucking beautiful overhead Fishermanbuster Suplex, but 73 pounds of wee lass to the junk and a truly fine looking suplex is not enough.  Rampage kicks out.  The finish by Rampage is sooooo fucking AWESOME.  Watch it yourself.  Fucking BEAUTIFUL.  This match is great but one should also note that alllll current AngloGrappling is pretty great.  Finn should definitely go the heel route- as he really look like a guy who would stab you in the gums with a screwdriver.(9)


 

-------------------------------------------------

 

End Notes.

1. In that I have memorized the address of cagematch.net, in that cagematch.net is run by crazy, anal retentive Germans who have every possible detail of every majorish wrestling card that has happened or is about to happen.  God bless them.

2. Though to be fair, their match against the Golden Lovers (10) was pretty fucking great even if it did go along with the usual Brahman routine.

3. Which is not even close to "the Golden Lovers". 

4. According the HOTLINX on Cagematch.net, Sekine is a K-Dojo guy.  He is 25 years old, 5'7" and weighs 176 pounds.  You can follow him on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/ryuichisekine .  Ueki is a Big Japan guy.  He is 22 years old, 5'7" (11) and weighs 189 pounds.  His finisher is the Cross Body Block- making him the NEW Ricky Steamboat! 

5. To himself.

6.  According the HOTLINX on Cagematch.net, Kamitani is Big Japan youngster.  He is 22 years old, 5'10" and 196 pounds.  That is pretty big for Japanese indie guy.  His homepage is http://ameblo.jp/nokamiya. 

7. I stand corrected.  Ito gives Sato two chairshots.  Which is pretty funny in that they are the least stiffest things to happen in the entire wrestling match.

8. I've been away for a few years; what's the new lingo for this?

9.  A la the Polo Cockney from the Mighty Boosh, the greatest pop culture manifestation of what Americans TRULY fear about the British.  That and the Dangerous Brothers.  Shudder!  The British underbelly! Horrifying!  Dear British reader,  the unspoken fear of the sleazy British underbelly is probably comparable to what British people would fear about American swamp/meth culture.  I'm blue-skying here.   

10. The tagteam name Golden Lovers..... SOOOOOOOO fucking great.   For the record, my favortie tagteam name will probably always be "The Minnesota Wrecking Crew". 

11. I get the feeling that Japanese promotions list 5'3" Juniors at 5'7" like colleges list 5' 9" quarterbacks as 6'1".

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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES

##############################GOING 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY

And we won't be together much longer unless we realize that we are the same.

 

%%%%%%%%%% CMLL- REY ESCORPION vs MAXIMO- 4/20/2014: I was excited to see this pop up in the TheCubsFan thing from Youtube today.  And WHY NOT!?  Rey Escorpion is bringing out ass-stomp on all assorted Brazos- and Maximo being the most exotic Brazo means the working against type should be pretty dramatic and awesome.  Or it could suck.  I haven't seen many Maximo matches about which I ever actually gave a shit- but this is for the title and this is against the guy who orchestrated a pretty Horseman-like postmatch stompdown on his uncle so hopefully: hatred and blood.  The first caida is perfectly fine, I guess.  It focuses on the title aspect of the match, avoids anything too interesting and collapses into a half-crab on Escorpion for Maximo to take the first fall.  Second fall is clumsy and crappy and is over in 45 seconds, as Escorpion rolls Maximo into a Rings O Saturn and one can only hope that the third fall is going long to allow them to mop up all the blood.   We shall see.  Third fall starts fun with Maximo hitting a totally fat boy tope after hitting a lot of in-ring high-flying really cleanly.  Escorpion opts for the equally fat boy tope con hilo and we are back to basic lucha libre, basic roll-ups and a few nearfalls as the story unfolds- with a very nasty Maximo powerslam to bring the DANGER!  Maximo needs to gain-like- 45 more pounds.  He hits a Love Machine Splash and you can tell it sucked to be Escorpion, but if he fattened up just a little bit, it would look so much more painful.  But, looking at his family history, I'm sure this a not DREAM but a PREDICTION!  They do a little more nearfall mania and Maximo sexually assaults Escorpion by kissing him, leading to a pinfall- but the seconds both stop two different 3 counts, here and later.  Escorpion makes with the foule and YOU and IIIII will have to wait for the hair of one man to be put up against the hair of the other man for us to get anything transcendent out of this match up.  So yeah, this match was a perfectly fine title match- though the foule is kinda un-title-y, what with the air of legitimacy of title matches supposedly wrestled as if the athletic commission would have to approve the match.  Thus, the entire 3 fall is not true Lucha Title Match form, as IIIIII would be handing down fine after fine on the wrestlers, the ref, the seconds and the promoter.  I went into this match expecting at least 1/5th of euphoric greatness of Escorpion vs Super Porky, which wasn't a CRAZY thing to expect.  So yeah, fuck this match.  Wait for something with some hate attached to it.  


 

~$~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ EXPLOSIVE PRO WRESTLING- RAMPAGE BROWN vs MICKY FINN- 4/27/2014: Rampage Brown is flying up my list of not just favorite wrestlers wrestling in Britain but favorite wrestlers wrestling in wrestling rings.  I vaguely remember seeing Mickey Finn.  He does have the seedy Cockney Snakepit BASTARD look to him, so he is already ahead of the game as we begin.  He works the arm- which is smart because Rampage uses his arm when he is beating the dog crap out of you, so definitely hold on to the arm.  Nouvelle Brit wrestling is awesome not just because it approximates World Of Sport- style wrestling to some degree, but is also the last bastion of a LOT of things: such as in this match, Finn works the arm into a headscissors spot to the spot where Rampage escapes and shoots into the ropes to go back into Finn working the arm.  Nobody does that anymore.  From that, Rampage does his Budding Fit Finlay stylings by just hitting totally great looking, assholish heel offense.  He then threatens to beat up all the snot nosed kids in the audience and your LOVE for RAMPAGE is now LOVE WITHOUT END.  Finn takes his ass-beating and shows the SPARK! the FIRE! and LOVE OF GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP! to not quit!  The brats in the audience clap and cheer as he gets to his feet!  He battles back and shoots Rampage into the ropes!  He's gonna..Oh wait.  Rampage totally just fucking kills him.  Finn makes with a few more HOPE SPOTS~!(8) and Rampage kicks him right in the face a few times.  The children are upset.  Rampage is making them even more upset by SCOFFING at their booing!  They trade elbows so this is just extra added AngloGrapploFun.  Finn gets Rampage sitting in the corner and Rampage's skanky valet charges at Finn and is drop-toe-holded into Rampage's manly parts!- though she seems to weigh about 73 pounds, so it could only hurt so much.  Finn then hits a fucking beautiful overhead Fishermanbuster Suplex, but 73 pounds of wee lass to the junk and a truly fine looking suplex is not enough.  Rampage kicks out.  The finish by Rampage is sooooo fucking AWESOME.  Watch it yourself.  Fucking BEAUTIFUL.  This match is great but one should also note that alllll current AngloGrappling is pretty great.  Finn should definitely go the heel route- as he really look like a guy who would stab you in the gums with a screwdriver.(9)


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