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Posted (edited)
On 12/29/2024 at 2:30 PM, The Natural said:

I'm having a really shit day today. I'm sore, tired and everything has gone wrong. Trigger warning for mental health issues, don't want to set anybody off. Please keep to here and not Facebook.

This month is one of my trigger months as it's Mum's birthday and Christmas. March for my birthday and usually Mother's Day. April, Mother's Day and June the worst, her anniversary. Self-harmed on Mum's birthday and Christmas Day. I miss my Mum so much but need to remind myself she's in pain no longer and to take solace in that. Relapses suck. I do mainly on special occasions as to reference Dulux, it does what it says on the tin. It's breaking that mindset I have to because if I don't, it means I don't care anymore. You get me?

Hope can lift you up but it can tear you down. This month and more than a few, like middle of the year I've had five separate friends say we'll meet up and none did. It's like don't give me something to look forward towards and pull the carpet from under me. My Dad and Sister also let me down which is even worse.

I asked people on Facebook what they like about me to try and help me see what others do as I put myself down. Most did leave lovely comments.

I'm sad my time with Jodie is coming to an end as she's helped me. Jodie said she'd see me always if she could but she can't. I'm referred to CORE and had my assessment while my assigned case worker is on annual leave. Jodie, Julie/David from the Cellar Trust and CORE all day with my personality and having mental health issues, I'd be perfect to help but doors get shut on me.

Lone Christmas highlights were Gym Rig Circuit, I amazed myself getting through it but it was rigorous, the last Spirals class of 2024 and Christmas Day was one of the better ones since losing Mum.

I get irrational thoughts that I'm a burden a letdown and make loved ones ashamed of me despite people saying otherwise. I think about how I'd be remembered and what would happen to my possessions.

I'm not looking forward to having a colonoscopy for the third time next month to get the polyps removed. My understanding was if something was found, they'd be removed then. I was furious. There won't be a fourth time. The prep is fucking miserable. Over 24 hours without food and 4 without water.

It's my 40th birthday 6th March 2025. I'd like to get a gold chain as Mum wanted to for my 30th. Wish I did then, better still before losing my Mum. I dwell over regrets and things I can't change big time like that. I'm grateful for presents from my Dad as they come from Mum too but It's not the same you know? I regret not having more pictures with Mum when she was here.

It's tiring self-harming, having suicidal thoughts, battling my brain daily and the Cerebral Palsy making my body work five times harder doing everything as those without. I'm lucky I can walk and talk, you wouldn't know to look at me compared to nearly everyone else with CP but it still doesn't make it easy. You wouldn't know I had over seven years of speech therapy and physiotherapy as we were told I'd never properly talk or walk either. Getting out of bed is a challenge. I'm fat too which doesn't help me mentally or physically either. I'm tired of my stomach pains too.

Thanks for putting up with me and hearing me out here. I don't want people getting tired of me like I'm a broken record and I'm conscious of people having their own things going on too.

I wish you a Happy New Year 2025.

Love, Paul xxx.

 

On 12/30/2024 at 5:24 AM, NikoBaltimore said:

I can't pretend to know or understand what you're going through but wanted to single these out to highlight the positive things about what you're going through.  I see things have been tough but you're a lot tougher than you might give yourself credit for sometimes.  With all that's happened I'm sure it'd be easy to give up and let things go where they take you.  But you're doing the work and it shows every time you're giving an update.  Even if the progress feels minimal it's progress and nobody can take that away from you.

As always you're much loved over here but I wish more could be done to help in any way.  Even if it's something small like an online gift card one can get to some thing or place you like I can't speak for others but I'd be happy to help with that.  But no matter how small things feel with the positive parts of it all hold onto it tight and use that to build to more positive things in your life.  It's worth it and so are you.  My wife and I love you, mate and Happy New Year.

I'm mortified my original reply didn't go through so I'm here typing a new one. Thank you for your kind words. Means a lot. You waiting to do something for me. I love you and your wife too, mate. Happy New Year.

On 12/30/2024 at 4:42 PM, Curt McGirt said:

Wait, there are antitrust laws in this country still? [/sarcasm]

Paul, you are definitely not alone out there. My troubles can't compare to yours, but they're there. I'm gonna force myself to get cleaned up on New Year's Day. Got a new psychiatrist and a new therapist, and boy the therapy isn't fun. I had to relive the time a houseful of friends caught on fire and one of them suffered from smoke inhalation and got burned up. They tried to do skin grafts but she succumbed eventually. Went to her funeral, and in the ultimate irony, she was cremated, not even a closed casket.

Next session is childhood. 

Not fun. 

Thank you, Curt. Sorry you've had to relive trauma like that. Here if you want to talk. Goes for my friends here too. How you getting on, bud?

On 12/31/2024 at 7:18 PM, Technico Support said:

Hey Paul, hang in there, friend.  You’re one of the good ones.

Cheers, Brian. You're one of the good ones too, mate.

---

The hospital rang me this week. My colonoscopy operation is 29th January. It's a four day prep this time changing my diet then the drinks the day before. I was the third person to say to the nurse the first drink was the worst one. Not looking forward to go through that again.

I've only ever said the following to a few people and wasn't sure whether to but I think the ship has possibly sailed for me getting married, having kids. I bring that up as most of my family and friends do. My lesbian cousin I told you about has just had her baby girl with her partner. Doesn't the saying go age is but a number? I turn the big 40 6th March, March 6th for you Americans ;).

Its tiring mentally and physically battling your brain and body with the cerebral palsy and depression. Both limiting what I can do and go. I'm lucky my cerebral palsy isn't worse like I see most people who have it are. I've been more open about the true extent of my depression on the DVDVR MB: the self-harm, suicidal thoughts and how I'll be remembered than away from here. You just have to carry on and fight through for my family/friends present day and my family/friends who I've lost along the way. I always do as I don't want to let my loved ones down. It's tiring, man.

As always, thanks for your support and hearing me out. It's most appreciated.

Love, Paul xxx.

Edited by The Natural
  • Like 7
Posted (edited)

Sorry the last month has been so trying for you, Natural. Trigger months are no joke. This past 6 weeks has been tough because my closest friend of the past few years ended things 11 days before Christmas, which is already a tough time and that's a week before my late mother's birthday - but the good thing about it is while I may have lost her, I gained so many other people. She and I were co-workers and had an instant rapport and things grew to where we were chatting constantly on insta, snap, text, twitter, and messenger at all hours of the night - including when she moved to Alaska in April for work.

This past November, things got rocky when I asked if she saw us as a possible couple after she used even more pet names to describe me than usual and brought up wanting to have someone in every city she's in and I thought hey well this is the time given that she just that morning used one - but she nixed that, I told her I was fine with and practically - hey she's a million miles away, cool. But she got really snippy on snap for a long time after and then in her last snap told me that everything I did was with the ulterior motive to date her - and I thought okay, well I'd blown her phone up a few weeks prior overthinking and I"m just going to give her time and space because that's what she needed.

I did that and got a text the next night ending the friendship without a chance to respond to anything - and that hurt pretty badly because I don't care how mad you are - you can talk to someone and clear the air. I sent her a message on her second insta because she hadn't blocked me there and just showed her my texts that she didn't see after blocking my number and said hey look we need to chat and this is a giant misunderstanding. She told me off - and okay, it's the next day, I'm not too shocked by that but the next week, her friend hits me up on messenger and threatens me for mentioning her on FB.

I got rushed to the hospital during work on 12/17 because I collapsed - I hadn't been eating, had the runs and was really dehydrated and it took 3 liters of fluid for me to feel normal. I did mention her name on FB, but I was blocked so it shouldn't have tagged her and apparently it did and that must have set her friend off or family or something because her friend that she moved to AK for is ranting at me for being a stalker and she shut up about that when I brought up Kadie bringing me into every other social media aspect of her life - and it took me 2 months to text her back. She told me to never talk to her (the friend) again - but I did thank her the week later for giving me a sense of clarity because regardless of what my intentions were, Kadie was shaken by everything and that wasn't my goal.

In going through all this, it let me really working on myself, researching attachment styles - realizing that Kadie fits the avoidant type and this is common behavior and I'm definitely anxious and I started therapy yesterday and felt better just doing that. I had a heart scare in November and told Kadie that the hope of seeing her again in April was a motivator in me wanting to get this done soon because I didn't want to be like my dad and die of a preventable heart attack young or like my mother just being too stubborn to ever get seen. Things were great there, but she seemed weirded out and I chatted with an online friend out of the blue via messenger and he said that her feeling gaslit by me could have been from the heart thing - but hopefully stuff works out because it does all feel like a misunderstanding.

If not, then at least I'm working on myself for good reasons and not just for her benefit and I do believe in my heart that things will work out in time - a long time. Went through another break with my best high school friend Melissa where someone came between us and we didn't talk for 2 years - but that gave us a stronger bond for 20. With Kadie, I think her friend got in her ear and changed the narrative of everything I said - and I think that will come out in the wash down the road. I sure hope so because goddamn did we have some crazy bond and I miss her - but also see her flaws more clearly and realize that my support group was a lot stronger than I thought it was.

My therapist helped me a lot by allowing me to see that Kadie may have just seen things as transactional given that I got her gifts like a laptop so she could keep streaming on Twitch - and I did that to boost her morale because she was really scared moving without her family or dog. She's also moved to a new part of Alaska in October and that adds to my thought of her being a bit out of sorts and being on-edge. Luckily, I still have all the good memories and thank God for that because I accidentally deleted our insta history - but still have the feelings it gave me of knowing that we aided each other and had some fun chats about reality TV, going to shows and just chatting about life. 

I want nothing more than to have her in my life again in a positive way - but we each need to do work on ourselves to ensure that things work out better in the long-run.  I still hope to see her in April, but with far better circumstances overall than we would have had before.

Edited by MGFanJay
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Posted (edited)

I've been battling a cold this week. I'm all hopped up on cold medicine and feel like death warmed over. At least, I waited until after the holidays to get sick. 

Edited by Nice Guy Eddie
  • Sad 2
Posted

I'd been working as a courier for FedEx Express since the end of November. Once I was solo it seemed like i was inundated with pickups at the local mall and random medical offices. Since 3-5 PM was the "Magic Hour(s)"(i.e. running around like a chicken with its head cutoff to make deadlines)(and early/late picks are considered a failure)). Once outside of the 3-5 window things eased considerably, but if you were chasing close times(which they wanted) you risked making other pickups late as you were still chasing older stops. They expected couriers to make 7 pickups per hour. At my worst I was at 4.2hr. This past Monday they had me chasing 20 stops between 3-5 PM. I made all but three,  but chasing those three made three others late. I finished up the route, considered the smashed thumb(from closing it into a locked drop box) and smashing my head into the roof of the van and said "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and quit as soon as I was done unloading my truck.
This kind of segued nicely into having to run around and get more paperwork for my dad's Medicaid redetermination. He was approved for "Medicare Extra Help" in December but denied for a Medicaid Waiver(which he needed to be able to afford to live where he has lived since Aug. '21) because he has too much income(Indiana allows $1250/month).
So I spent Tuesday-Friday meeting his bank to establish a Miller Trust(in Indiana "Qualifying Income Trust"), a funeral director to plan his funeral(and change ownership of a life insurance policy) and cleaning up anything extra that was required(death certificate for his wife, bank statements, Social Security "Letters of Benefit Award"(i.e. how much you get per month). I hope this is all that needs to be done because after a while this grates quite a bit. 
Talking to the funeral director he told a story about his first day in "Funerary School" and how the instructor told them that in five years 3/4s of them would be out of the industry. He went on to say that a lot of funeral directors drink a hell of a lot to be able to cope(and that somehow for almost forty years he's survived). I agreed with him on the need to "self-medicate".
Hopefully this is it(when it comes to my dad).

Posted

I had* a friend who is a funeral director. He moved up to Chicago to take a new job after years here at a local funeral home out of nowhere and I wonder if he got laid off. I never found out...

* ...because the prick moved without telling me and took my Fender bass amp with him. I found out when he shot a text with his new number saying what had happened. Not only did he steal my shit, he was still drumming in a project with an ex-friend who I found out had molested another friend of ours who was also in that band, and raped his ex to boot. Had to ghost both of them. 

Posted

Interesting thing is this FD is about my age(EARLY mid-50s) and I asked him if he went to Vincennes, he said no, that he went to a school in Jeffersonville. I didn't even know that Jeff-ville had a funerary school. We agreed about it taking a certain type of person to be able to deal with the job(and all that it entails). Great thing is my dad was upbeat during the talks and was able to answer any questions asked of him. He agreed to cremation. And I was able to score an "Irish"-themed urn off of Etsy(my dad is a diehard Notre Dame fan(if it weren't ND-themed then it would've been Chicago Cubs-themed)). They wanted a "Life-Death" remark for the inscription, so I put "04/11/47-Does It Really Matter?"
He's lived a great life with a lot of years to come.

 

  • Like 1
Posted

Felt a great sense of peace today after watching more Thais Gibson content about avoidants and anxious attachment styles and how they can be great or oil and water and how broken bonds usually rebuild at the 6-8 week mark - and Kadie and I are at week 5, so...yeah I'm feeling pretty hopeful that she's in her healing phase alongside me.

  • Like 1
Posted

I wanted to log on and express my condolences and feelings when I first heard Dean passed away. Unfortunately I couldn't remember my password, or even what email I would have used the last time the board reset. Instead I reached out to a few people I met through this board and I watched the tribute show with the now classic dog collar match.

 

For whatever reason I woke up this morning remembering my old password.

  • Like 9
Posted
On 1/17/2025 at 1:53 AM, MGFanJay said:

Sorry the last month has been so trying for you, Natural. Trigger months are no joke. This past 6 weeks has been tough because my closest friend of the past few years ended things 11 days before Christmas, which is already a tough time and that's a week before my late mother's birthday - but the good thing about it is while I may have lost her, I gained so many other people. She and I were co-workers and had an instant rapport and things grew to where we were chatting constantly on insta, snap, text, twitter, and messenger at all hours of the night - including when she moved to Alaska in April for work.

This past November, things got rocky when I asked if she saw us as a possible couple after she used even more pet names to describe me than usual and brought up wanting to have someone in every city she's in and I thought hey well this is the time given that she just that morning used one - but she nixed that, I told her I was fine with and practically - hey she's a million miles away, cool. But she got really snippy on snap for a long time after and then in her last snap told me that everything I did was with the ulterior motive to date her - and I thought okay, well I'd blown her phone up a few weeks prior overthinking and I"m just going to give her time and space because that's what she needed.

I did that and got a text the next night ending the friendship without a chance to respond to anything - and that hurt pretty badly because I don't care how mad you are - you can talk to someone and clear the air. I sent her a message on her second insta because she hadn't blocked me there and just showed her my texts that she didn't see after blocking my number and said hey look we need to chat and this is a giant misunderstanding. She told me off - and okay, it's the next day, I'm not too shocked by that but the next week, her friend hits me up on messenger and threatens me for mentioning her on FB.

I got rushed to the hospital during work on 12/17 because I collapsed - I hadn't been eating, had the runs and was really dehydrated and it took 3 liters of fluid for me to feel normal. I did mention her name on FB, but I was blocked so it shouldn't have tagged her and apparently it did and that must have set her friend off or family or something because her friend that she moved to AK for is ranting at me for being a stalker and she shut up about that when I brought up Kadie bringing me into every other social media aspect of her life - and it took me 2 months to text her back. She told me to never talk to her (the friend) again - but I did thank her the week later for giving me a sense of clarity because regardless of what my intentions were, Kadie was shaken by everything and that wasn't my goal.

In going through all this, it let me really working on myself, researching attachment styles - realizing that Kadie fits the avoidant type and this is common behavior and I'm definitely anxious and I started therapy yesterday and felt better just doing that. I had a heart scare in November and told Kadie that the hope of seeing her again in April was a motivator in me wanting to get this done soon because I didn't want to be like my dad and die of a preventable heart attack young or like my mother just being too stubborn to ever get seen. Things were great there, but she seemed weirded out and I chatted with an online friend out of the blue via messenger and he said that her feeling gaslit by me could have been from the heart thing - but hopefully stuff works out because it does all feel like a misunderstanding.

If not, then at least I'm working on myself for good reasons and not just for her benefit and I do believe in my heart that things will work out in time - a long time. Went through another break with my best high school friend Melissa where someone came between us and we didn't talk for 2 years - but that gave us a stronger bond for 20. With Kadie, I think her friend got in her ear and changed the narrative of everything I said - and I think that will come out in the wash down the road. I sure hope so because goddamn did we have some crazy bond and I miss her - but also see her flaws more clearly and realize that my support group was a lot stronger than I thought it was.

My therapist helped me a lot by allowing me to see that Kadie may have just seen things as transactional given that I got her gifts like a laptop so she could keep streaming on Twitch - and I did that to boost her morale because she was really scared moving without her family or dog. She's also moved to a new part of Alaska in October and that adds to my thought of her being a bit out of sorts and being on-edge. Luckily, I still have all the good memories and thank God for that because I accidentally deleted our insta history - but still have the feelings it gave me of knowing that we aided each other and had some fun chats about reality TV, going to shows and just chatting about life. 

I want nothing more than to have her in my life again in a positive way - but we each need to do work on ourselves to ensure that things work out better in the long-run.  I still hope to see her in April, but with far better circumstances overall than we would have had before.

FYI: my wife is a therapist.  I asked her to read your last two posts because, honestly, I am fairly alarmed. She thinks you are lilkely stalking the girl.  Apparently, the above post raised about a dozen red flags.  Lol,  my number is even higher. 

I’m not expecting you to take my advice, but for the sake of everyone involved, leave the poor girl alone and get some real help. Don’t look for social media accounts where she hasn’t blocked you. Don’t fantasy book that day when she’s gonna come around.  Definitely stop with the pop psychology about how she's an avoider scared of the “special bond” you two share. Every obsessed stalker uses those same buzzwords. At a guess, she’s probably right when she said you had ulterior motives for befriending her.  Seriously, stop now before someone gets hurt.  
 

 

  • Like 1
Posted

So, I blew out a tire yesterday and damaged the rim badly. I brought my car to my mechanic yesterday as soon as it happened. For now, I've got the donut on my car. My mechanic called me today. It's going to cost me almost $1,300 for a new tire, rim, and rear brake caliper. Of course, I have to wait for the work to be done because not all of the parts were able to be found locally. That's the kind of luck I have. I'm not even worried about the cost of the work. I'm just going to use a credit card and worry about it later. 

  • Sad 3
Posted

My wife got her knee replaced yesterday and they're doing a real shitty job of controlling her pain today so I hope some doctors are ready to get yelled at.

  • Sad 2
Posted (edited)

I think I'm going to skip having the work done on my car and start shopping for a new car. I'm due for a new one. I'm currently in a 2018 Buick Encore with only a little over 53,000 miles. 

Edited by Nice Guy Eddie
Posted
5 hours ago, Zimbra said:

My wife got her knee replaced yesterday and they're doing a real shitty job of controlling her pain today so I hope some doctors are ready to get yelled at.

I did not have to yell, just have a moderately stern talk with a charge nurse. Hopefully it sticks.

I wish I could use my dad's way of dealing with doctors who were being shitty to my stepmom: he's just show up to the hospital in his district attorney's office softball team shirt and things tended to get cleared up right away.

Posted
On 1/22/2025 at 6:38 PM, Lawful Metal said:

So this happened at work the other day

edit: yeah that’s me

Help me out here - you're the guy being told not to talk, right? 😉

  • Haha 2
Posted
On 1/24/2025 at 2:41 PM, Tabe said:

Help me out here - you're the guy being told not to talk, right? 😉

I’m the judge 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Posted (edited)
On 1/22/2025 at 8:17 AM, Joe vs the Algorithm said:

FYI: my wife is a therapist.  I asked her to read your last two posts because, honestly, I am fairly alarmed. She thinks you are lilkely stalking the girl.  Apparently, the above post raised about a dozen red flags.  Lol,  my number is even higher. 

I’m not expecting you to take my advice, but for the sake of everyone involved, leave the poor girl alone and get some real help. Don’t look for social media accounts where she hasn’t blocked you. Don’t fantasy book that day when she’s gonna come around.  Definitely stop with the pop psychology about how she's an avoider scared of the “special bond” you two share. Every obsessed stalker uses those same buzzwords. At a guess, she’s probably right when she said you had ulterior motives for befriending her.  Seriously, stop now before someone gets hurt.  
 

 

 

I've never done anything to stalk her - she's the one who initiated every part of our interactions online. I didn't have ulterior motives with her - but the time away has helped me focus on myself and heal a bit. Not feeling 100% there yet, but every day, I feel a bit better that things worked out for the best given how toxic things were for both of us at the end. If things are meant to be, then she'll reach out - the ball has been in her court since she ended things - beyond her having a friend get involved and message me, which was a bit weird.

 

 

Edited by MGFanJay
Posted

I received a $200 check from a class-action lawsuit given to Kroger and promptly broke the edge, but I had 20 days off. I can still do it. I passed my bank card back to my mom. The job market is starting to bite, too, which can help. 

  • Like 2
Posted

the big local news here is that they were aiming to demolish an old water tower this week, only for a prep cable to snap and the tower to collapse into the street nearly hitting a house

https://www.kshb.com/news/local-news/cable-snaps-as-crews-work-to-demolish-old-independence-water-tower

Quote

The old water tower was scheduled for demolition this week. As part of demolition preps, crews had installed cables to help "steer" the tower in the right direction as it came down. One of those cables broke Tuesday morning, causing the tower to lose stability.

When work to bring down the tower resumed, one of the legs buckled. The tower then fell in the wrong direction, landing in the front yard of a nearby residence.

 

Posted
6 hours ago, Curt McGirt said:

I received a $200 check from a class-action lawsuit given to Kroger and promptly broke the edge, but I had 20 days off. I can still do it. I passed my bank card back to my mom. The job market is starting to bite, too, which can help. 

I share a bank account with my mom and get the debit card when necessary, so I can relate. It helps keep my nose clean. It's kind of tough to admit that to someone, but it's what I have to do. 

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