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I don't know what is stopping them from going back to screaming insane 80s cocaine promos.  Everyone loves those.  I think Bryan cam close a couple of times and it was pretty great.

 

They don't have to be Warrior, for Christ's sake, but they are supposed to be giant rampaging barely literate monsters, not Gary Oldman.

 

 

Just do this:

 

LEMMETELLYOUIMGONNARIPHIMAPARTHETHINKSHE CAN GET AWAYWITHTHAT?I"LLTEARHISHEARTOUT AND FEEDITTOHISCHILDRENNNNN WHENI GETMYHANDS ONYOUORTON I"M GONNAKILL THELIVINGCRAP OUT OF YOUR SPIRITBODYCONNECTION>

 

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU TODEATHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

and run away from the camera.

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The closest we got to that in recent times was Paul Heyman:

 

 

 

God I miss him.

 

Although it does contradict the overall point people are making.  Heyman is great because of his character not despite it.  It's just that he has the ability to think it through and make a deeper characterization than most of the others. 

 

 

 

Heyman is pretty great but even he seems to fall into the WORDSWORDSWORDS trap. There was one before Summerslam where he took like 5 minutes to say something fairly simple.

 

I think part of this is that they go to Paul and say "We need you to vamp for 20 minutes.  It's either that or a 20 minute diva match."  and he's like "There really isn't much to say." and they're like "Paaaaauuuuuuuulllll...." and he's like "Yeah, okay, I can do that."

 

They all add those stupid extra phrases though, "right here in this very ring" and "and I mean this in all sincerity" and "If I may say so"  They can't get through a sentence without trying to bulk it up with extra phrases and it comes off like a jock football announcer trying to use big words or sound formal or something.

 

Even Vince does that, although he's supposed to be a carny caller so it comes closest to being a trademark for him.  When Punk or anyone else does it, it's like a cheap convention they've absorbed.

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I don't know what is stopping them from going back to screaming insane 80s cocaine promos.  Everyone loves those.  I think Bryan cam close a couple of times and it was pretty great.

 

They don't have to be Warrior, for Christ's sake, but they are supposed to be giant rampaging barely literate monsters, not Gary Oldman.

 

 

Just do this:

 

LEMMETELLYOUIMGONNARIPHIMAPARTHETHINKSHE CAN GET AWAYWITHTHAT?I"LLTEARHISHEARTOUT AND FEEDITTOHISCHILDRENNNNN WHENI GETMYHANDS ONYOUORTON I"M GONNAKILL THELIVINGCRAP OUT OF YOUR SPIRITBODYCONNECTION>

 

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU TODEATHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

and run away from the camera.

 

This is why Ultimaaaaaaaaa Wooorrryyyooorrrr will live for ever. From another board -

I, Hulk...Hogan, have a question...to answer your question. As you, Hulk Hogan, travel to...WRESTLEMANIA...by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize ALL THAT IS LEFT is total self-destruction, do you, Hulk Hogan, show self-pity? DO YOU, Hulk Hogan, try to reason why? Do you, Hulk Hogan, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you?

Or do you, Hulk Hogan, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down. Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face the challenge. Dispose of them, Hulk Hogan. Assume the controls, Hulk Hogan. SHOVE THAT CONTROL INTO A NOSEDIVE, HULK HOGAN! Push yourself to total self-dstruction. As you realize, Hulk Hogan, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it, warriors. Do you, Hulk Hogan, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Hulk Hogan, face the challenge that may be more powerful than EVEN YOU ARE, HULK HOGAN!

You, Hulk Hogan, must self-destruct so that you will know, Hulk Hogan, who is...The Chose One. FOR HULK HOGAN, I am not the Chosen One...that you speak of. I am not. I, Hulk Hogan, am...the only...one...

*SCRONK*

 

 

 

 

I'm going to guess it wasn't really scripted.....

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Someone should transcribe his promo from Wrestlemania VI itself, about immortality.

 

And Hogan's from Wrestlemania IV about causing the East Coast to fall into the Atlantic Ocean by bodyslamming Andre, and then swimming to safety with everyone on the largest back in the world.  Including Donald Trump.

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If they're going to insist on doing all their promos in-ring, then they need to commit to tuning the audience the fuck out and stop trying to be in on it with them.

 

Godzilla and Guiron don't acknowledge and interact with the cheering rabble.  They just bellow and blow and shit blows up.

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I once performed at a comedy show as The Ultimate Warrior reading Emily Dickinson poems and another one as The Ultimate Warrior reading Rush Limbaugh transcripts. Both went over pretty well although the goof working the soundboard at one of the venues I performed at didn't play the legendary theme music before I entered the stage.

You all know the Ultimate Warrior paints and does commissions? I e-mailed him inquiring about getting a watercolor portrait done of me, my wife and our dog. His fees are a TON. Also, his e-mail name comes back as "WARRIOR" in all caps.

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I once performed at a comedy show as The Ultimate Warrior reading Emily Dickinson poems and another one as The Ultimate Warrior reading Rush Limbaugh transcripts. Both went over pretty well although the goof working the soundboard at one of the venues I performed at didn't play the legendary theme music before I entered the stage.

You all know the Ultimate Warrior paints and does commissions? I e-mailed him inquiring about getting a watercolor portrait done of me, my wife and our dog. His fees are a TON. Also, his e-mail name comes back as "WARRIOR" in all caps.

 

Hmmm.  He can't even spell WOHYUH correctly.

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Agreed on Punk.  Love him or hate him, he's clearly about as big as a wrestler not named John Cena is gonna get in this era.  He's doing great. 

But he's also done as a main eventer.

 

 

People thought that about Orton as well. EVERYONE has the brakes put on them at some point...

 

And then Mark Henry comes along and beats those brakes off.

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The WWE has essentially set itself up to have two or three main-event type feuds at once.

The main event at the PPV is Cena/Orton.

 

But who has ended each TV show pretty much the past XXX months? It has been a combination of Bryan/Punk/Show/Shield/Rhodes Boys/Wyatts/Usos.

 

A WWE title match between Orton and Bryan ended on Smackdown with a Bray Wyatt promo. It didn't end with Cena's involvement. Who did they give the cliffhanger angle to end Smackdown? That's a sign of what's driving the narrative arc of the promotion. Cena and Orton feels like a sideshow and a separate universe -- like Punk vs. Heyman -- with the only connection to the greater arc being the titles and The Authority.

 

I think you could argue not putting the title on Bryan now was the right thing to do. He never lost decisively. He beat Cena cleanly. They have the trigger to pull that match anytime they want. But now he's building up bigger title picture guys -- The Wyatts right now. Punk is in the same position, being fed to The Shield so they can start the Roman Reigns Era. But Punk can credibly challenge for the title anytime they want him in that spot, too.
 

Remember the awesome Wyatt vs. Shield showdown and how there's a lot of potential for those stables to have a crazy good feud? That doesn't happen without both stables having involvement with Bryan and Punk. They connected those guys and allowed for that possibility.

 

They built a lot of guys up for big angles long term, and it's all because they got Bryan and Punk over. When we get a Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt World Title match in three years, it's because of what they're doing now.

And in the mean time, Bryan will probably have a World Title reign. And maybe Punk again, too.
 

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