I'm able to make long posts again! YEEEEEAAAAAHH!
This is the original piece I wrote on this movie before DVDVR 3.0 powered down
THIS FILM PRESENTATION WAS MADE BY DVDVR MEMBERS LIKE YOU: YOU JERKS! MOVIE: Brain Smasher, A Love Story YEAR: 1993 DIRECTOR: Albert Pyun RECOMMENDED BY: Madcap When I decided to tackle this B-movie blog experiment, I figure I could pick the minds of some of the most degenerate folks I've ever come across. Don't get me wrong, most of you are fine folks. But it takes a special kind of crazy to last around here. It's like Arkham Asylum, only Batman ain't saving Gotham from us. We built this mad house. We built this mad house on wrestling, beatdown buses, and nerdiness. Back to the task at hand, the following was suggested by the man of 1000 rap star faces, madcap. A in-her-physical-prime Teri Hatcher plays international supermodel Samantha Crain, who's dumping her no-good rich boyfriend while on location in London when we first see her. He gives her a Rolex as an apology for being a cad, but she gives him the heave-ho anyway. During their breakup, the boyfriend also gives Sam a package from her botanist sister with a message to go to Portland, Oregon with package in tow. Sam opens the box and finds a single red flower enclosed in a vacuum-sealed container. A few seconds later, we're in the Pacific Northwest. Time machines are used generously in this film. Sam and her sister meet with a group of mask-wearing Asians guys quickly surrounding them. The sister explains that she found a rare red lotus during a trip to Tibet. The deadly monks—who are called ninjas throughout the movie despite being Chinese and not Japanese—want the lotus, as they think it will give them unlimited power which will lead to world domination. Sam and her sister manage to get away from the ninja monks briefly and decide to split up, with a nearby church being their meeting point the next day. Sam runs down the street and finds herself near a night club. Andrew Dice Clay is Ed Molloy, a club bouncer that's a cross between a Rambo-era Stallone and a PG version of Dice himself. Despite his tough guy exterior, Molloy is a decent guy who doesn't believe in guns and only uses his fists when necessary. His calm and collected fighting style has earned him the nickname of Brain Smasher, which he wears high-school letterman style on his jacket. Gotta love the lack of subtlety. As he's whupping up on some drunk dudes, Sam sneaks in into the club. Since she didn't pay her cover charge, Molloy goes in after her to kick her back out. Meanwhile, the fighting monks have also made their way into the club to grab Sam themselves. Molloy gets to Sam first and when she tells him her story, he thinks she's on drugs. An understandable conclusion, if you ask me. He plans on taking her to the overnight detox center, but the the ninja-monks catch up with them. Molloy finds himself fighting to keep Sam alive. And that. . .is the entire premise of the movie. It's a matter of wash, rinse, and repeat. Molloy and Sam run, they stop running for whatever reason, and the ninja-monks catch up with them. Molloy fights for a bit, he and Sam start running again, and the ninja-monks return the chase. As A comes before B, the movie follows this path to its inevitable conclusion of Molloy and Sam professing their blooming love as Sam's sister goes wherever botanists go with their red flowers. Now, this may sound like a negative endorsement of BRAIN SMASHER. On the contrary! This movie is hilarious! The repetition makes for easy digestion. The key is to think of as a spoof of an action-romance thriller. Who in their right mind would cast Andrew Dice Clay as the lead in a legitimate action flick? Other than his raunchy mouth during his comedy routines, what's particularly tough about him? His presence alone lets you know that what you're watching should be done so with a give-no-f*cks attitude.
Hatcher as the sexy damsel in distress is easier to buy. This movie came out just as Hatcher was starting The Adventures of Lois & Clark, when she was at the height of her popularity and tried to used her TV platform to move into movies. She didn't a good transition, because while having some decent comic timing, Hatcher doesn't have anything that makes her unique enough to become a movie star. Her film career more or less tanked and her role in Desperate Housewives is what allowed her to continue with her fame. Giving her a botanist as a sister who has her smuggling dead flowers into the States is as thin of a plot as you can get. And the 'we are NOT ninjas' monks! One moment, they're doing flips and kicks to make Bruce Lee and the Six-Million Dollar Man jealous. The next, they're falling over themselves in sad attempts to catch up with stiletto-wearing models and their brooding bruiser bouncer-turned-bodyguards. And can we talk about their wardrobe? The masks are corny, but I loved their black trench coats and eye-catching scarves. So alluring. *purrs excitedly* And their investment into being world dominators, despite not explaining why monks would want this sort of power, is hot like fire. This movie is the bee's knees, y'all. There's a blurry 8-segment version on Youtube. Don't let the bad video quality stop you from watching this. It is glorious. It is hilarious. I've gotta track down the incredible soundtrack. I want a Brain Smasher in my life, returning $10,000 watches that I shouldn't have taken from men I've just dumped because it comes off as kind of trampy. I WANT MADELYNN VON RITZ SINGING “YOU ARE THE ONE” AT MY GUNSHOT WEDDING/ANNULMENT PARTY WITH QUEEN KONG ACTING AS SECURITY. *hugs self while squeeing* Many thanks to the esteemed madcap for suggesting this. You've got a permanent spot on my DVDVR Cool Kids list now! (You had one anyway, but play along with me, OK?)