DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW ISSUE #169

Posted on December 1, 2015 3:35 PM by Phil
DVDVR169cover(cover by RIPPA)

 YAMATO~! brings the hate~! TINIEBLAS~! and DR. WAGNER JR.~! don’t really have a match! YOSHITSUNE~! has a name that gets censored~! DEAN~! might be a touch excited about GIANT BERNARD~! vs. YUTAKA YOSHIE~! And also his match with HIROOKI GOTO~! SUPER PANDA~! NEGRO CASAS~! The DARK KNIGHT~! GRAN HAMADA~! LENNY LANE~! TOOTSY~! TWO ISSUES~! ONE MONTH~! SUCK ON IT BITCHES~!

HIYA~!

It’s kinda amazing what a bazillion wrestling downloads and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of downtime can do for our ability to review wrestling. This might be the silver lining to the economic downturn cloud. Orrrrrrrrr….. we just really like to hear ourselves talk. Despite the pseudo quick turn around between this issue and last, Dean is still another year older. We will try to keep it down for him. And as a birthday present – I even tried to edit this one… remember I said TRIED. Let’s get on with the show Grandpa…

~!~

DRAGON GATE INFINITE #123 (01/03/2009)
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]
I always download these Infinity shows and now that I have a new process of not burning anything before I actually watch it, it gives me a renewed FERVOR to watch this crap and get it off my hard drive- into the ABYSS or to be SHOWBOATED~! on a dvd at a future dorkfest. It is a giant, integrated lifestyle now.

Naruki Doi/ Naoki Tanizaki/ m.c.KZ vs Shingo Takagi/ Dragon Kid/ Taku Iwasa:
Hey, it’s TNA guy Doi! And I saw that Shingo guy have a good match with Kevin Steen at the ECW arena last year (actually that was Go Shiazaki. I can’t remember who I saw Shingo wrestle. I know it was in that hockey rink in Edison, NJ. Either way.) And I saw m.c. KZ get his head crushed last week on the DG PPV. Tanazaki and Iwasa I’m fuzzy on but I know they start it off and they run around really fast. Doi and Shingo run around really fast and then they beat up Dragon Kid for while. Dragon Kid must be hitting 31 or 32 by now. I remember when he was pissing off Eddy Guerrero on Worldwide by blowing every spot attempted. Ah, the past. they don’t really beat on Kid long as the match wanders off to beating on someone else. Doi keeps running over and punching Dragon Kid in the face and I’m assuming there is a fabulous backstory to that that would be apparent to me if I actually watched – as opposed to just burned- Infinity 80-122. Doi and Shingo try to beat each other’s ass but they do it too fast for you to give a shit. In the immortal works of Harley Race, “Slow it down or it don’t mean nothing!” They stereo piscados to the floor and nobody in this match weighs enough for me to give a shit about a regular highspot. Doi does actually kill DK by powerbombing him from the shoulders of Shingo on the toprope to counter a very elaborate hurricanrana with the KZ frogsplash which allows DK to be legitimately beaten to death until the match loses focus and they Doomsday Device Tanizaki. This match is a mess; a list of spots that build to nothing. They do like ten finishers in 2 minutes and nothing means anything more than anything else. Tanizaki pins somebody and this really resembles more of a game of Duck Duck Goose than a wrestling match. “Everybody just keep hitting finishers and one who is the middle of the ring when the ref claps his hand will be the winner!” This match sucked ass. Thank you. I shall move on and so… shall YOU.

YAMATO/ Cyber Kong vs Gamma/ Susumu Yokosuka:
For the Belts! I’m glad I can pick Cyber Kong and Gamma out of a line-up because it helps me peg the other two. Oh right, Susumu Yokasuka used to be Susumu Mochizuki back in the olden days. YAMATO has hair a la douche and he and Kong are assaulted before the bell. They kick YAMATO in the face a lot in the corner and I kinda want to kick him once myself. He spits a lot into Gamma’s face TO COMEBACK~! and Cyber Kong does his Warlord-based offense for a few minutes and you remember that not all 80s wrestling was spectacular. YAMATO has removed his little skirt to show the world his tiny tiny pants and now I really want to smack him one. God, YAMATO is the Tully Blanchard of DG- maybe I love him because I instantly hate him. Gamma spits TO COMEBACK~! and I’m spotting a trend in this match. Susumu wins a battle of lariats with Cyber Kong and then loses several lariat experiences with Kong. All four do an elaborate and way too choreographed rope-running section to set up Gamma Air Raid Crashing YAMATO who then fights out of Black Tiger Bomb to procure the Douche-a-matic Sleeperhold on Gama. YAMATO hits a very DOUCHEBUSTER for two to allow Cyber Kong to hit the shittiest looking Greetings From Asbury Park you will see. Cyber Kong does the truly fabulous Three man Dangerous Backdrop on Susumu via YAMATO. YAMATO and Susumu elbow each other in the face and Susumu wins the lariat race when Gamma uses a Kendo stick. then EVERYBODY runs in and you haven’t seen so many smooth-skinned, thin Japanese boys since you last wandered to the free section of Manhole Japan on-line. THEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT… and it’s SABU! Sabu realizes that he was supposed to defend the IWGP junior title three blocks away and sprints from the arena. They run around and Shingo beats up everyone. And THEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT….. and IT’S JAKE THE SNAKE! Arai gets on the mic and starts a “Fuck Sabu!” chant! Gamma hits a Skytwister Press to pin Cyber Kong and we HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS! Gamma legit gets on the mic for 45 minutes and I guess I should start the IWA-Midsouth postmatch jokes. Either way, that was perfectly fine even with the overbooking because YAMATO is the most hateable douche I’ve come across since Johnny Gargano in PWO. And wrestling needs more guys you just instantly hate. Word to your mother.

~!~

RIPPA’S MAGICAL MYSTICAL YOUTUBE JOURNEY!
(by PHIL RIPPA)
This little adventure started when I decided that since I did a cover dedicated to the Tinieblas that I probably should take the suck bullet and review at least one match. So I went to YouTube and figured well let’s see where the related links take me. And so it begins…

“Tineblas” vs. “Dr. Wagner Jr”
The reason the quotes are used is because when I did the search this was the only “match” that showed up, which confused me. First – the reason no matches came up was because I didn’t realize that I had dropped an extra “I” from Tinieblas thus the wonky search. Second – this “match” isn’t a match as it is two random kids in a Mexican High School (or maybe a border town in Texas, California, Parts Unknown, take your pick) wearing masks and killing time in study hall while a girl with an insanely high pitched squeal records it on her IPhone. Clearly this isn’t the real Tinieblas (Sr. or Jr.) as the kid is much more of a bumper. Plus, I don’t think the actual luchadore has as varied of an offensive arsenal that this kid is busting out. Though he does have the cardio of a Tinieblas as the entire clip is five minutes long and the kid is gassed well before the time limit is reached. I mean they needed a run in by a fat Konnanesqe girl near the end so it was very close to AAA booking. Doc Jr. clearly let Tinieblas take advantage of him including taking an unprotected brainbuster on the school floor. (Which I so giggled waaaaayyy too much at.) Anyhoo – six minutes of two kids having a wrestling match in the middle of school with not even the closest hint of some sort of adult supervision. Pretty good educational system…

Not realizing at the time that I had misspelled Tinieblas , I decided to start this train over again. Since I had found the Abby/Zeus match the last time, I decided to try my luck with Puerto Rico again. I figured “YOU KNOW! Carlos Colon had to wrestle someone absurd! And someone else clearly had to put it on YouTube!”

Carlos Colon vs. Stan Hansen – Cage Match (WWC 3/87?)
I skipped the 4 dozen matches versus Abdullah the Butcher and the couple against Hercules Ayala because I have seen enough of those to fill several nightmare filled lives. Of course, this had Stan Motherfucking Hansen in it (who apparently sucks now and wasn’t a big man. Grr….) Anyway – this is joined in progress and the commentary is piped in from a studio, which sucks because it mutes out the crowd entirely. It appears to be from something called Havoc WWC and this match is labeled a “Classic of Lucha Libre” – well now. The crowd seems molten especially near the end but, alas, we will never quite know for sure. Oh and this is Escape the Cage rules which is irritating, though fits in with the ending I guess (we will get to that soon enough.) When the clip starts, both guys are already bleeding a ton. Not shocking since it is PR and CC – still would have been nice to have seen how we got from Point A to Point B (of course, the three bits of offense Hansen gets in this clip are him kneeing Colon directly in the face. I would figure that might have had something to do with it). Most of what we see is Hansen selling like fiery hot death as Colon works over his leg. Colon trying to apply a figure four is about as awkward as me trying to get a date. Hansen does his best to salvage something out of it as the way he sells the figure four is the way that every fucking person should sell a figure four. Out of nowhere the locker room empties – which you will know because the camera zooms allllllllll the way out to make sure you can see every last person in the Stadium. There is a lot of “Hey! There is Jason the Terrible!” or “That might have been Bobby Jaggers’ ass!” moments. Basically, the heels are storming the cage to try and get in and soon the faces follow to prevent this. I did think “Holy Shit! That is the skinniest fucking Headhunter ever but then I realized that it was T.N.T. Oh Savio… how your waist has expanded. Anyhoo, Colon hops out of the ring to join in the brawl (and win the match which is kinda glossed over), headbutts Jason the Terrible in the mask – which he sells for a half a moment. Poor poor non-lethal hockey mask. I shouldn’t criticize too much, though, since Colon gives JtT a giant kick to the groin and JtT totally keeps on going about his day. Everyone brawls to the back and we get a star wipe to end the clip.

Carlos Colon/El Santo vs. Barabbas/El Rebelde Loco – WWC (1975)
This is Papa Santo so I was all sorts of excited since I have seen very little. 1975 Carlos Colon is amazingly cut and has an outstanding afro that clearly showed that footage of Oscar Gamble was making its way to San Juan. The ring appears to be set up on home plate in Hiram Bithorn Stadium and it is kinda quaint in its lack of height. Barabbas might have the greatest wrestling beard ever. When you have a bald guy compensating for the fact that he is bald by basically having his beard running entirely around his head you have entered the land that is “Professional Wrestling”. (Shit – between him and the Satos later on, I was truly blessed with the great hair this issue.) El Rebelde Loco has a mask that says “I just finished robbing the checking cashing shop. Boy, this tube sock really wasn’t up for double duty.” I have no idea why they kept showing this one woman in the crowd. It might have been the future Mamma Santo. She didn’t seem too interested in the match but it also could have been that she was just waiting for the creepy old cowboy standing next to her to make a move. Watching the clip a second time, it appears that the shots of Santo’s baby’s momma are used to hide cuts in the actual footage. Of course, they could have easily have just had a six minute two falls match. You will stay for the Santo knee lifts and crazy tope. You will leave because of the 30 additional crowd shots.

Blue Panther/Mistico vs. Averno/Mephisto – CMLL (1/21/06)
Remember how when Raising Hell came out and Run-DMC blew your fucking mind? They were doing stuff you had never heard and you realized right then and there that you had found something that spoke directly to your soul. For the one and only time in your life, you were hip and cool. You listened and got Run-DMC. This was what life was. It was what your parents get promising you that you could have. Something to believe in. Then they go and remix King of Rock into the fucking Degeneration X theme song. And X-Pac wore fucking overalls in the entire god damn video. Oh No! NO REV! DON’T CROTCH CHOP! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

Remember all that? Yeah – that’s exactly what this match is like. Fuck, don’t do it Blue Panther. Don’t team with Mistico. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! STOP RAISING HIS ARM!!!! Ooof….

KAORU vs. Cynthia Moreno – HAMADA UWF (Sept. 1991)
I was so disenchanted by the last match that I knew there was only one thing that could ease the pain. Sweet sweet Hamada UWF. This amazingly is the only match that came up when I put in “Hamada UWF”. Oh as an aside – if anyone actually films Hamada’s new Mexican Wrestling League, that would be an immediate ME WANT DOWNLOAD! Otherwise, Alfredo will be getting the rest of my paycheck. Say what you want but Gran Hamada is so like my #1 guy I want putting on shows. Dean was all sorts of excited when I noted that I was reviewing this match and KAORU’s early nineties sports bra made me decree “both hands on the keyboard” for Dean until this issue comes out. God this fucking rocks. Cynthia Moreno is all sorts of tiny (I mean when you are importing people and KAORU is still taller than you, you might need to find like Chapparita Asari to tell you which stores carry your size) and great. After KAORU figures out that Cynthia Moreno wants to work from the right, she goes “well then this is the arm that I will motherfucking destroy”. Yeah – I so do not envy the first person who went for an unwanted boob feel. The normally quiet – especially when watching the opening match with two youngster ladies – starts to really get into Moreno’s aerial offense. Of course, they also dug KAORU briefly turning it into a brawl after completely jumping over Moreno on the outside (I told ya she was tiny). The ladies really start to break down lucha style and I could watch this all day. Mmmmm…. KAORU.

~!~

SEM/KENSUKE OFFICE- 3/11/09
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]

We thank young Desudesu for providing the Office boys and NOAH offshoot esoteric. God, will I be able to contain myself before I get to the Okita match? WILL I?!?!

Kikutaro vs. Genba Hirayanagi:
I love these hilarious matches! Kikutaro actually puts on his unhappy mask and they kinda work all stiff for a minute. The nut grabbing kicks in and THUS your boy has got to move on to the Ota match.

Kaji Yamato vs. Ippei Ota:
I can vaguely remember these two. Andy Rooney wrote ONE thing worth remembering in his entire useless career and it was ALWAYS pick a team to love and to hate. It really is the only way to watch most contests. Except in the World Baseball Classic where the intrinsic beauty of the Koreans vs. the Japanese filled up my intrinsic baseball beauty needs for another 4 years. Bless you, Bud Selig. But anyway, let me figure out a way to get emotionally attached to this match. A-HA! Yamato has knee-length baggy pants like those teenage douches wear these days- or did the last time I looked at youth of today. SO FUCK THAT MOTHEFUCKER! KILL’EM OTA! Kill’em once for me! Ota is nondescript. Ah fuck, I gotta rewind to see the parts I missed while writing the stupid Andy Rooney thing. Ah, Ota IS nondescript. Daisauke Ikeda was kinda nondescript the first time you saw him. So yeah. Ikeda would look pretty nondescript hitting a bunch of dropkicks and running the ropes- though when they stomp in the corner- Ikeda would become very DESCRIPT. These guys= less descript than Ikeda in the same situation. There, I wrote all I could for basically a rookie match. Bring me the OKITA~!

Kengo Mashimo/ Takeshi Minamino/ Kento Miyahara vs. KENTA/ Shuhei Taniguchi/ Atsushi Aoki:
Fuck, Social Dance Wrestling before the awaited X-League Alumni versus the internet lord and savior Shiozaki? Oh well, it will kill some time trying to remember which thin soft-skinned Japanese boy is which. I’m batting .175 as we get out of the gates. Oh, Tanaguchi was in that really good tag match we watched at the Dorkfest two dorkfests ago. This is already looking up. Ah, Miyahara is the headcrusher of m.c KZ. Mashimo is that guy from K-Dojo who looks like Barry Windham’s bastard son. Ah, just fuckin HOOKEM UP! Miyahara and Aoki do the opening wrestling schtick and folks clap. Oh right! Aoki is beloved by the internet unless I’m mistaken. Miyahara keeps slapping KENTA so they tag in KENTA and it fucking rules as they beat the shit out of each other. Okay, this is two in a row for Miyahara. Could be this beee looove, could this be loove? The hilariously named Minamino tangles with KENTA and I do love Minamino’s comical middle management moustache. If only he had a Member’s Only jacket… Mashimo and Taniguchi make a brief appearance before Miyahara does the I WILL NOT RELEASE THE HEADLOCK until Taniguchi side suplexes him and tags in KENTA. Okay, Aoki and Miyahara beating the fuck out of each other is possibly the biggest key to me loving this match, because they do it. Taniguchi tags in and hits a sweet double backbreaker into a Samoan Drop before tagging in KENTA who opts to slow it down with a Half Crab. KENTA pots to punt Miyahara in the teeth because he KNOWS I LOVE GUYS KICKED IN THE TEETH. Taniguchi comes in with the powerslam and I’m noting a power wrestling trend with him. Miyahara stomps Taniguchi in the face to COMEBACK~! and Mashimo and Taniguchi try to see who is the better biggest guy in the match. Mishimo is more snazzy with the elaborate Crucifix into an Armbar. Taniguchi is more direct with the elbows and hits POSSIBLY the crappiest spinebuster ever. They all kinda meander into a bunch of lowgrade finishers. Miyahara and Aoki DON’T try to kill each other though Aoki hits a perfectly fine shoulderbreaker. My mind begins to wander off just as Aoki and Miyahara start actually beating each other to death again. HEY! It’s Minomina again! He gets to lose to KENTA, I’m assuming. They keep saving him from KENTA’s lesser finishers and Minomina hits a really nice Lyger bomb and Death Valley Bomb, but yeah, Minomina was BORN TO LOSE! But hey, Takeshi, you don’t want forever do you? Go to sleep… and you can probably walk right past this match OR watch it and your life not change one bit. It is the Huey Lewis and The News of wrestling matches.

Go Shiozaki vs. Takashi Okita:
Here is the next in the endless series of Okita Loses To Guys I Hate – though I actually don’t mind Shiozaki because he had a good match with Kevin Steen in ECW Arena last year and he was in a really awesome tag match we watched at a Dorkfest a month ago (probably a month ago). With somebody. OKITA! OKITA! So hopefully this will be least annoying loss of the series though I doubt it will be as perfectly fine as the match with Chris Hero. Go wins the initial battle of the shoulderblocks and throws Okita into the railing before laying in the first chop of the evening. Go with a dropkick and we don’t have any intensity yet. Go opts to give Okita nothing early so that’s annoying. Okita fights out of a Boston Crab. Go no-sells some chops and goes on offense until Okita overpowers him in a battle Brainbust! Okita with a shoulderblock and the match heats up. Go bumps big into the rail and takes a running shoulderblock off the apron like a man. Okita hits a spear and misses a suplex but catches a crappy Go superkick and they opt to elbow each other a lot. Okita with the Spear and JACKHAMMAH~! and takes two knees to the Frogsplash to allow Go to procure the Abdominal Stretch and the momentum dies quickly. Okita with a sleeper and we await the Shiozaki lariat to finish this quickly. And there you go- oop, for two. Again- oop, for two. Again- and there you go. The most listless of the Okita matches. This was the Phil Collins solo record of wrestling. You want no part of it.

Katsuhiko Nakajima/ Naoki Tanizaki vs Naomichi Marufuji/ Akihiko Ito:
(Two days later to gets the stink of the undercard from my memory)
Ewww! I hate Marifuji. Ito and Tanizaki are mysterious to me. I heart Nakajima. Let’s see how this goes. Ito has very peach-based pants. Tanizaki has comical oversized boxing shorts. Ooooo God I got a bad feeling. NO! Must watch…. with level head…. Nakajima quietly requests a piece of Marufuji’s ass but he respectfully declines and Ito squares off with Nakajima. Ito is a total dick and smacks Nakajima in the face during the break and hits a really nice dropkick before Nakajima and Ito decide to make me love this match by hitting each other in the most dickish ways possible. Nakajima has a nice Front Chancery (or is that chancellery?) They wriggle on the mat like so much bait until Ito stomps to Choppyville and you hope they never tag out. But they do… aaaand there’s Marufuji. Marufuji and Tanizaki reverse and counter and roll around the ground until Ito tags back in and my interest is re-introduced into the match. Marufuji does a very contrived and elaborate dropkick and tags back in. I’m wondering if Nakajima can POSSIBLY kick Marufuji enough for me to like this match. Nakajima beats on Ito and kicks on Ito and Ito fires back all fired up and my mild interest is restored. Tanizaki on offense is pretty forgettable. If only he were as burley as his giant tattoo. Marufuji makes a save for Ito who is in a half-crab and they tease the moment Nakajima and Marufuji finally get match together by having then elbow each other in the face for a minute. Tanizaki is wee so he can be lariated impressively and Marufuji does just that. God, tanizaki sucks ass on offense and he just STAYS in the match like your cockblockin cousin at beach week. FINALLY, Nakajima and Marufuji get in together and Nakajima tries kicking Marufuji enough to make me care. And I realize that this isn’t possible. Ito and Nakajima trade finishers included a very large Spike Piledriver with Marufuji springboarding into the Arn Anderson role. The match completely runs out of steam the more they try to throw at Ito and Nakajima trading finishers. the announcer does seem to call Nakajima’s spinning Brainbuster a SLLEEEEESTAKAH! so we’ll always have that. The rest was pretty stinky and inconsequential. You don’t want any part of this.

~!~

AULL or UWE (3/15/2009)
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]
I assume this is all the same day. It is all coated in the usual indie lucha mystery. I saw the results for the SUPER PANDA~! match so that’s definitely the fifteenth. Does it really matter? If it’s the wrong date, change your polyester pants and we shall get on with the reviewing. Pussies.

Los Lacandones vs. Gretor/ Dinamo:
Los Lacandones resemble the Ding-Dongs at first glance so I am in love already. They are also fat guys. Dinamo has the less elaborate get-up but neither technicos are great shakes and you are reminded that many lucha opening matches are pretty much unwatchable. And this is quite the listless little affair. And its only one fall, which kinda pisses me off. If you are going to suck, at least suck for a half hour in a proper Lucha Libre match.

Kilvan/ Blade/ Blue Monsther vs. Enrique Vera Jr./ Acuarius/ Tootsy:
Worked on the street is that Tootsy is good. More giant wads of local guys which is always fun if inconsistent in its quality. But come on, you’re sick of seeing the same choads every week so REJOICE with me. Blue Monsther is fave in this- because I love any wrestler whose name can double for the name of a dildo. Plus he has his name written on his pants so I’m 1/6th of the way there. Enrique Vera Jr. can use a heapin’ helpin’ of pants so you know this could be quality undercard lucha. Tootsy and Blue Monsther hookem up and Blue Monsther has a fun and baffling wad of matwork to throw at you and Tootsy rolls with it and their sequence of wrestling was enjoyed by DEAN. BM throws a lot of armdrags between the leglocks and he is my favorite lowgrade Dos Caras of the match. Evil wins the first caida as they all the rudos flop around trying to apply a submission. Acuariaus and either Kilvan or Blade start out but the other of the indistinguishable rudos helps his other half SO I WIN! Blue Monsther spanks Vera’s tiny pants in the buttocks section to make you remember that Mexico is an odd country. Monsther brawls to the floor and truly dig him as a man and wrestler as he forces Vera to bump flailingly into the audience and this is quite the fun little sloppy ball of wrestling. Technicos hit the triple lung blower for the second fall and the lung blower has officially outlived its usefulness. Third caida is total mess for the first four minutes. Tootsy then uses his own ass for 45 seconds to bump Blue Monsther in the face; knowing BM and the Vera spanking, I’m not sure if this is really the hilarious yet hellish beating Tootsy should be dishing out. They flail around with finishers and saves and Vera hits the worst dropkick you will ever see- unless you go back and find a Konan dropkick back in the early 90s. The technicos win and this match wasn’t good, but there is no way you could hate it.

Terry 2000/ Fantasma De La Opera/ Rey Krymen vs Sadico/ Robin Maravilla/ Rocky Santana:
This starts out as a mess and makes it all the way through the caida without ever rising above a mess. The second segunda starts out as a mess except this is a mess more listlessly executed than the first caida. Third caida starts with Robin Maravilla trying to unmask Fantasma De La Opera and kinda meanders from there. Good God, will the Super Panda match ever get here? Though this picked up at the 17 minute section- with mostly Robin Marvella hitting some nice spots, this match will you hate wrestling a little more than when you started watching it.

Iron Master/ Chacal vs Super Panda/ Mister Potro:
Hey! Super Panda! Actually, fuck Super Panda, Iron Master and Chacal are crazy ass stompers. Iron Master shows YOU his naked buttcheeks! Chacal has a nice corner lariat. God, Iron Master needs some pants. Super Panda is really fat and agile so DO actually love him. But the beatdown by Chacal and Iron Master was waaaaaay the most fun of the first caida. They even do the Only Giant Swing I Can Stand- the one with the dropkick. Oh yeah! It is more of Iron Master beating the shit out of Mister Potro and I really dig these guys. Potro has a really fired up comeback and hits a dropkick and Piscado and it allows Super Panda to show off his fat boy offense for a second. Potro and Iron Master are carrying the match though. they brawl on the floor and Potro is awesome getting the crowd behind him kicking the hell of Iron Master. Iron Master superkicks to go back on offense and decides to go after the crowd- so yeah, this is pretty fucking great. MEANWHILE, Chacal is de-masking Super Panda and beating the fat boy to death. Chacal is not afraid to punch Super Panda dead in the face. This is pretty fucking great. Iron Master wins the caida with an assisted powerbomb. Second caida starts with Iron Master hanging on by his heels before hitting the floor- only to be crushed by Super Panda off the top. Panda is also bleeding like a fucking freak. The crushed rudos can’t answer the count and we all are scared that Super Panda might actually BLEED TO DEATH. Third caida starts off as awesome as the rest of the match with Iron Master beating the shit Potro then beats on Super Panda. Potro backdrops Iron Master and the technicos go on offense and they are as brawly as the rudos and I love this match. Potro crushes Super Panda with a chair accidentally and Iron Master eliminates Super Panda. The rudos decide to beat the shit out of Potro but he rolls through a facebuster and eliminates Chacal and they have figured out how to make this match go longer. I concur 100%. Iron Master and Potro do some nearfalls- and Chacal cheats to help when he can. Potro finally gets the submission and I want to see all four these guys again.

~!~

MICHINOKU PRO (12/12/08)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
There were two reasons for downloading this whole card after Desu put it up. One was that Schneider and some other folks were pimping the main event. Two was the fact that it was SURVIVAL MOTHERFUCKING TOBITA! God, for it to be 1999 again.

Shibaten vs. Rei
If I had known they were going to clip the match featuring the Santa Birdman down to two minutes I wouldn’t have even bothered. Aww… and true match time was 4:53. Poor poor keeping the avian man down. I have no such sympathy for the former Milanito Collection AT.

Rui Hiugaji vs. MEN’s Teioh vs. Shinobu
HEY! It’s a three way! HEY! It’s MEN’S Teioh! HEY! He wrestles while reading a book! Ooof… I think it was manga which makes it all the more annoying since I still want to murder the 15 year olds who would come in sit on the floor, read the manga and graphic novels and not putting fucking away anything they touch and not spending any fucking money. I haven’t fucking worked in Borders in almost a year and I am still bitter about that. Grr… The match is 10 minutes long, clipped down to like four. It’s wacky M. Pro. You know what you are getting into.

Kesen Numajiro vs. Jinsei Shinzaki
You know, Shinzaki looks good for a 8000 year old man. And let me just say for the record that I still am not over Numajiro not being Yone Genjin and it has been what? Seven years? Oh Michinoku Pro – you are getting so big. Nothing too memorable outside the fact that I still really dig Numajiro’s hip attacks. Of course, it’s a ten minute match and both guys are struggling with breathing at the end. The match felt like it was a part of one of those Wrestling Reunion shows. I mean I was half expecting Bill Apter to come out and present everyone with a plaque afterwards.

Kagetora/Rasse/Shinjitsu Nohashi vs. Takeshi Minamino/ken45°/Maguro Ooma
Oh you wacky Dragon Gate/El Dorado/Michinoku Pro guys and your 8532 different gimmicks. Also, as an aside, Kagetora might have my favorite random line in a Wikipedia entry as someone put “He has wrestled many famous wrestlers including Jinsei Shinzaki.” Oooooh…. Shinzaki! Of course, you would think that maybe would be on Nohashi’s page… you know, the guy actually doing basically the Shinzaki gimmick. God these boys are all over this issue and I know I am not going to be able to touch the Kagetora drinking story that Dean has cooking for 170 (TEASE~!) so I should probably just move this right along. I will say that there is a whole lotta hair in this match that gives me hope for the future of sleazy indy feds. This is the standard Japanese Indy 6-man… except they skip the whole “everyone gets in and feels each other out and then the heels beat on Nakanishi” part and go straight to the dives and kicking out of finishers. This is a perfectly acceptable eight minute sprint.

Final Decisive Great Space War ~ Operation to Rescue Ultraman Robin:
Shu & Kei Sato vs. Great Sasuke/Survival Tobita
God – this is what I miss. Oh Victor. Oh beloved Federal Agent. How I miss ye so. This is the goofy shit that I could watch all day or at least for awhile until the novelty wore off. Let me see if I can explain this absurdity. THE BACKSTORY: (at least what I could piece together. I would assume the truth is nowhere close to this.) Great Sasuke wanted to get at those nasty Sato boys. Ultraman Robin said “Well gee Pa! I am ready! Let me at them!” That didn’t turn out so hot and UR got “captured” by the Satos. A distraught Sasuke tries to find out the whereabouts of probably not so young and definitely not so thin Ultraman Robin. This is also not so good of an idea. During his beatdown, who should arrive on the scene to make the save but MOTHERFUCKING SURVIVAL MOTHERFUCKING TOBITA!!!!. (FUCK ALL OF YOU AND YOUR LACK OF LOVE FROM THE MAN WHO IS MAKING THE UNIVERSE SAFE!!!! WERE YOU WILLING TO TAKE ON THE OUT OF CONTROL BOX?!?!?!?! WERE YOU WILLING TO TACKLE THE TASK OF CONTROL THE POTENTIAL OUTBREAK MONKEY?!?!?!?! YOU PUSSIES HID UNDER YOUR BEDS WHEN THE MONSTER OF LANGUAGE AND VIOLENCE SHOWED UP!!!! FOR SHAME!!!!!! Ooff… sorry.) Tobita shows up ingniting the spray of an aerosol can which gets censored so we can’t accuse the Japanese of not being green. At least when it comes to that there wrestling. All the while, Sasuke cuts his promo while being crotched on a ladder. Don’t ask. Just like don’t ask about why the Satos would kidnap UR when he clearly was going to put a dent in their food budget. I mean last time I looked I don’t know how much scratch two guys with tremendous skullets were bringing in. Unless there is a weird Japanese fetish that I want to know nothing about. Also do not stop to question why the rescue of UR required the ring to have a little miniature city built in the ring – complete with working train and anti-gravity toy top thingy. I could see if someone was working like a Mothra gimmick or something but yeah. And then the complete kicker is that Sasuke decides that he needs to dress up like Batman… excuse me… the Dark Knight since we don’t want to infuriated the Heath Ledger fanboys (poor poor Rey Jr. all he wanted was a goofy Wrestlemania outfit) or Christian Bale. Meanwhile, the Satos wheel out UR. The reason I say wheel out is because UR is hanging from a cross made of aluminum so they were shuttling him around on a hand truck. Of course, since UR is hanging from said cross, the poor unsuspecting children of Japan have now been exposed to this horror. It will corrupt them horribly so. I would say so since I think any respectable Messiah would be able to get himself down from any predicament that involved being bound by Reynolds Wrap. The match itself is a total and complete cluster and stinky. It is clearly a “love it or hate it” affair. It is far too goofy for me to hate. Clearly, protecting the Universe has caused Survival Tobita to forget how to punch. Or sell for that matter. Generally, there is a lot of nonsense. Someone (Fuck, I forget who it was now) drives a motorcycle around ringside which is used for spots… including the old let’s run over a photographer trick. Yeah – I couldn’t help but giggle there. Now despite being able to see the neck brace under the Dark Knight gear and the fact that this is a bizarro comedy match – Sasuke decides well I am going to bump like a freak. I mean there was a motorcycle bump that was unnecessary but at one point Sasuke does what I guess was supposed to be an Atomico while the Satos are on the ring apron. To say that didn’t go as smoothly as hoped would be an understatement. It is kinda silly that Sasuke is doing this all, though, who am I to doubt an elected official. “THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO PROTEST THE LACK OF SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE!!! DOES OBAMA HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THIS?!?!?!? WHERE IS YOUR MESSIAH NOW?!?!?!?!” Somewhere during this mini-marathon (I think all of this goes for like a half an hour plus), Ultraman gets freed, Sasuke gives him a hug and everyone gets on the STICK~! Let me remind you that this is in the middle of the match. The general gist is that UR wants his revenge now and since Mephiros Seijin also was helping the Satos out – it’s now a six man. Paul Heyman clearly approves. Fuck – if someone told me right now that it was booked by Heyman, I wouldn’t have even batted an eye. You know that if Paul E. saw this match he too would wonder why he didn’t book the destruction of a city in the middle of the ring. Or why he didn’t have Tommy Dreamer and Raven fight over who got to wear the vest straight out of David Bowie’s Labyrinth closet. The only reason I know this wasn’t booked by Heyman is because UR didn’t go all Patty Hearst and turn on Sasuke and Tobita. The finish is UR doing a crossbody off the top rope onto Mephiros Seijin which is great because a) it’s about the worst crossbody ever and b) Great Sasuke so hadn’t gotten out of the way yet. Yeah… that couldn’t have felt good on his superhero neck. Yeah… all of this should be watched just…. well… misty water colored memories. OH! Make sure to stick around to see Sasuke escape on his Batcycle… which is a pea soup green Yamaha (or something). Nothing beats a superhero driving along concession stands with his right turn single on. Especially, when the aforementioned superhero turns left. THE DARK KNIGHT DOES NOT OBEY YOUR TRAFFIC LAWS!!!! SUCK ON IT RIDDLER!!!! YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME NOW!!!!!

Yoshitsune vs. Hayato Fujita Jr. – Tohoku Jr. Heavyweight Title
All the kids on the net were talking about how this was a nifty little match. I am assuming they all tweeted each other. Like I am young and hip enough to fucking know how. Fujita somehow manages to sock himself in the face with his doorknob in a sock rally towel thing that he has going – thus slightly sullying a neat entrance (or perhaps enhancing it depending on your warped point of view). This is really good. I think the thing I liked the most was the intensity both guys were bringing to everything they were doing. Fujita was laying in the kicks and Yoshitsune – kind flying soul – wasn’t afraid to land on the top of his head for everything. There is one point were Yoshitsune says “Yeah – not only will I fly through these chairs but I will crash into the wall at a shoulder crushing angle” all in the name of making Fujita’s brawling even better. God – Fujita does such a king size selling of all the damage to his sternum. Well, it might not have required too much selling as Yoshitsune kept double foot stomping the hell out of him, including one off a second floor landing. Fujita – for a kid who looks like he might not have to shave – did a bunch of great looking triangle chokes, my personal favorite being the DDT off the top rope into the triangle choke. Man this was enjoyable. There weren’t any blown spots… at least that I can remember, which is a little surprising given how much wacky flying Yoshitsune tries to do. I think the only time where I went “well I wish they hadn’t done that” was when Yoshitsune basically did a headstand (which came out of a weird blocked rana/possible Styles Clash spot) so Fujita could kick him. Y’all should watch this. And if you don’t think it got all sorts of misty when Shinzaki (in his kickass suit) is reading the title proclamation and getting all choked up and they are showing shots of Fujita’s ecstatic mentally handicapped sister/cousin/friend you are crazy. It’s things like this that make me love professional wrestling.

~!~

NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING (3/22/09)
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Manabu Nakanishi/ Tiger Mask/ Jushin Liger vs Karl Anderson/ Black Tiger/ Jado:
Eh, I’m digging four of these guys currently and Liger can’t suck in every match forever from here on out, can he? TM and BT are all rolly and gymnastic to begin the proceedings but there is still the undercurrent of hate that makes me still give a crap. Especially BT punching TM in the face before the social dance sequences kick in. Plus BT fucks up TM’s Mortal by jumping the rail so this is still the funnest. MANABOO and Anderson are the big boys in the match so they do power things until Manabu chops Anderson across the throat and it gets interesting. Jado and Lyger do a 1998 Nitro Cruiserweight opening match. Anderson tags in and stomps on the little fella. C’mon. I’m really just fucking killing time until fucking Giant Bernard and Yoshie finishes downloading. Black Tiger looks fucking great beating on Lyger though. It has finished downloading and now it is a waiting game. BT and TM get really social dancy and it is becoming unbearable. PERFECTLY FINE! NOW END! EEENNNND! fucking END! Oooh, nice lariat by Manabu. Shitty Spinebuster by Andersen. They do more stuff that does not involve me seeing Giant Bernard wrestling Yoshie. Manabu Argentinanly breaks the back of Jado and we revel in the unneccessarity of the match but then BT and TM try to kill each other post match and they seem to be moving towards a mask versus mask match that I may actually dig.

Yutaka Yoshie vs Giant Bernard:
Bernard has the singlet and he is awesome snapping at fans who dare touch him. He’s looking more and more like a roustabout in a silent movie. He should switch to the wide striped longshoreman sweater and derby. Yoshie is growing his hair out- well it appears to be growing UP. If you know me- and you know me- I’m busting all out over this. They lockup LIKE MEN! Bernard can’t suplex all that pudge and Bernard is too fast for speeding yet gigantic ass of Yoshie. Bernard opts for a headlock and they try to figure out WHO IS THE BEEFIEST? Yoshie comes out beefier and hits a very fat splash. Neither can hoist the other in to a suplex until Yoshie girds his fancy parts and hits the Suplex. Bernard fires back by stopping Yoshie’s running avalanche in the corner by LARIATING THE LIVING BREATHING FUCK OUT OF YOSHIE and you WEEP at the innate manliness. Yoshie scoffs at Bernard trying punch and kick him in his endless girth and he slaps his big belly like a bear that has devoured several camping Oregonians. Bernard responds with a totally burly Vertical Suplex and they take it to the floor. They get back in the ring and fabulous forearms to the face. Yoshie CRUSHES poor Bernard with his giant ass and they go back to beating the living dogshit out of each other. Yoshie knows that his money maker is his MONEYMAKER and SMASHES Bernard’s face fullspedd with his giant as and you and I totally fucking LOVE this match. Pudge hits pudge and neither moves! Yoshie avalanches and uricans and hits the EVEREST~! German to set up Yoshie off the top to NOWHERE! Bernard jumps on the situation and hits the Oklahoma Roll for the three count. EVERYTHING I WANTED OUT OF THIS. FUCKING SPECTACULAR 12 MINUTES OF WRESTLING.

Yuji Nagata vs Hirooki Goto:
God knows I love Hirooki Goto and Nagata and me go way back to the beloved WCW of the late 90s so this is a clean slate for me. Hook-em up! They start out with each guy avoiding the others signature lariats and kicks and I noting this is a trend in Goto matches. After the exhibition of knowing the opponent, they trade few holds and Goto decides to kick the shit out of Nagata and they beat each other death for my pleasure. And it is pleasing. Nagata gives off a good “Your Not Climbing Over Me To The Top” vibe as he hovers over Goto before procuring a kneebar. Goto is spunky screaming in defiance as his chest is caved in by Nagata with knees and kicks. A SWEET Exploider by Nagata that lands right on Goto’s head. Got responds by smacking and punching Nagata in the face and this is a spry little match. Nagata really lays it in and Goto takes it like a fucking KING. SWANK Lariat and TRES SWANK Toprope Elbow Drop reminds of why I love Goto. They elbow each other in the face a bunch and Nagata almosts chops him down but Goto CRUSHES him with a standing lariat. Nagata fights the killing lariat and works to hitting the nasty toprope EXPLOIDAH~! Nagata releases the Dragon and kicks Goto in the teeth for two and I dig this match. Goto flies into a AUGMENTED RINGS OF SATURN~! but Nagata hits the ropes so Goto goes up top and gets kicked right in the teeth as he makes the toprope to allow Nagata to get in a toprope neckbreaker and a SLEEESTACKAH~! for two into a Crippler Crossface and memories flood your mind and you think maybe they shouldn’t ever do that move again. Goto takes some knees to the face and they go back to beating each other to death and they trade lariats and big boots until Goto flies into his AUGMENTED RINGS OF SATURN for the win! I dug the structure of each section of offense is brought back to basically a vertical base of each smacking each other in the face- thus the two toprope moves and SLEESTACKAH~1 by Nagata don’t hold as much bearing on the selling after they are kneeing each other in the face. It’s a neat illusion that everybody in BattlARTS mastered. This was worth watching.

Shinsuke Nakamura/ Wataru Inoue vs Togi Makabe/ Tomohiro Ishii:
CAN ISHII ALONE MAKE ME GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS MATCH? There is but one way to find out. Makabe is sporting the FUCK OFF vest- a favorite in the annals of fabulous wrestling vests. Inoue is totally douchetastic and Nakamura and Makabe do some perfectly fine brawling through the crowd. Ishii opts to go straight to the center of the ring and try to beat the douchiness out of Inoue but Inoue’s Douche-Fire burns bright and he knocks Ishii over so they double team Makabe. Nakamura goes on offense and it isn’t Ishii. Still not Ishii. Still Not Ishiii. Ishii cheats like a motherfucker to cut Nakamura’s flurry into 1997 Lash Larue level offense and we get Ishii pummeling Inoue on the floor. HEY! Nakamura blades like a fucking TEXAN and I DO like this match! God, it is a True Crimson Mask! Now Ishii tags in and applies his dick directly to the gash and is truly a bloodbath. Inoue tags in and uses his Special Reserve Douche Power to whup up on the divine Ishii. Ishii punches him in the face a lot but he cannot remove the memory of the smirk. Inoue hits a non-spinning FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING but you cannot stop Ishii and they don’t really sell anything for a while and they tag out and yeah, it’s one giant gusher and crappy midgrade New Japan offenses with Makabe hitting a low blow here and there- thus Ishii is a footnote from here on out and THUS I no longer give a crap.

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Val Venis:
Okay, let’s see what the Canadian with the odd career path has left in the tank. I watched the six-man- now let’s see what he can do with the internet fave and man with the mightiest hairstyle in Japan. Well, I’m 7ish minutes in and Val Venis is basically wrestling a RAW undercard match where he is putting over… oh, I dunno? Bob Holly? and blandness and boredom is avoided by being entertained by Tanahashi’s magnificent hair. Other than that, this match really sucks. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Hirooki Goto vs Giant Bernard:
YES! They book the New Japan Cup so that DEAN will like it! That is all I ask of any promotion. God, Yoshie versus Goto would have fucking rocked too. Bernard is intense and sullen. Goto is intense and stoic. Giant Bernard fucking RULES so he bump gigantic over the top and takes the full brunt of a Goto piscado to get this baby rolling. Goto works the arm until he lands funny and ruins his knee. Being Japan, he keeps going. Bernard reminds you that wrestling is a work be fucking dropkicking stretching and spindling the knee. Bernard has such basic offense, but all of it looks like it hurts so he really can’t lose so when he goes into the Ric Flair Knee Destruction Method, it’s really fucking spectacular. I LOVED the backbreaker applied to the knee. Goto sells it big to set up our Wild Foray Into Fighting Spirit which you know is coming. Bernard fucking CRUSHES the knee with a avalanche and the crowd is all about Goto GUTTING IT OUT AND WINNING ONE FOR THE TEAM! Goto chops back, but ONE stomp to the knee cap does what a thousand missile spinning crescent leg-lariats don’t do- which is look like it fucking hurts. Bernard is fucking great. He is fucking awesome just beating the dogshit out of Goto’s knee. Bernard goes for the powerbomb to the floor but Goto punches out and ranas Bernard into the third row because these two guys are fucking great and they know that big fat guys crushing people at ringside pleases MEEEEE. They struggle to suplex in or out of the ring with Goto finagling it to a DDT to the floor and they take a minute to sell all the mounting damage. They opt to forearm each other for a minute until Goto tries for a suplex but sells the knee to collapse and allow Bernard to procure the Figure Four. Bernard and Goto slap each other in the face really hard a bunch and am I DREAMING or does this match really exist? Goto with the jawbreaker after hitting the ropes and he limps up top and Bernard catches him. Goto fights out of the Superplex and hits that Sunset Flip Powerbomb off the top for two and hits a SWEET toprope Elbow Drop for two and an EVEREST~! German for two. Bernard goes back to the knee but Goto rolls through the Figure Four attempt for a nearfall. Bernard says to hell with this and FUCKING KILLS HIM with a K-Driller and gets two nearfalls. Bernard goes for the Last Ride but Goto punches out and procures the Cross-Armbreaker and then rolls into a Rings Of Saturn FOR THE WIN? Wow. This really was the dream match because I assumed there would be five more minutes of finishers. But I should have known better. God, that was fucking great. MILLION ZILLION STARS. I want Goto vs. Yoshie now.

~!~

REAL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING (03/01/09)
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]
Yuta Yoshikawa/ Hayato Mashita vs. Keita Yano/ Akifumi Saito:
Keito Yano is wee. Yoshikawa and Mashita I’ve seen before somewhere. Newer BattlARTS maybe? Yano I’ve seen in the new BattlARTS, I’m pretty sure. They do about four minutes of sloppy matwork. Yano uses his wee feet to kick Mashita really hard and I’m digging the little fella the most. Mashita punches our little friend in the face and Yano kicks him back and this is no longer listless. Yoshikawa has a budding assholishness that may make him worth following, but this match is forgettable in its slightness.

“Kamen Shooter” Super Rider vs Tomohiro Ishii:
ALLRIGHT! Our boy Ishii versus…. ooooh shoot, what’s his name… the shooter guy from DDT back when DDT first showed up…. guuuuh… hold on. EEEHHH! I turned FORTY THREE yesterday so I GET to forget things like this. So yeah, fuck the world, he’s Kamen Shooter Super Rider and he used to that guy who used to be that guy. Ishii is pissed off while WALKING! to the ring. He hates you and your pussy-assed pussyness. KSSR is littler than the guy who I can’t remember who he is so this FINALLY comes full circle- as I TRULY don’t know who KSSR is. KSSR kicks Ishii and Ishii laughs at KSSR’s pussy-assed pussy kicks. Ishii does the shootstyle stomp to the head after crushing KSSR with a MANLY forearm to the back of the head. Ishii calls KSSR a fauncy-pants fannyblaster and escapes his submission and elbows KSSR in the head a whole lot. They trade headbutts but Ishii’s are far far more manlier. Ishii applies a headlock and starts laying in the chops. KSSR starts crying under his pretty little mask and tries to escape by procuring a Triangle Choke. Ishii scoffs at his girly non-Pro Style and powerbombs out and BEGINS TO SHOW THE WORLD HIS UGLY FACE!!! Ishii gets guff from the sob-sister ref so he throws KSSR to the floor and throws him through an entire section of chairs and beats him to death with folding chairs. He then gets in the ring and tells everyone in the building to suck his dick. He then TRULY lariats THE LIVING FUCK out of KSSR off the apron. KSSR goes insane on the floor and rips off his pretty GAP purchased shirt and punches the crap out of Ishii and then SApinning DDTs him and hits a missile dropkick!!! Ishii responds by fucking KILLING him AND the ref with lariats and then upmasks pretty boy and pees in his mask and heart punches the ref for disqualifying him. WAIT! KSSR has a back up mask and they go back at it! Ishii brawls like a motherfucker on the floor, crushing him with chairshots up and down the stairs. They get pulled apart and KSSR gets on the STICK~! and cries about that time on the Gilmore Girls when Lorilei and Luke finally kissed and how awesome he thought TWILIGHT the book was opposed to the movie. Ishii is already busy fucking KSSR’s mom behind the bleachers. Bajillion stars.

Alexander Otsuka vs Super Tiger II:
Otsuka is your Legends Champion! ST2 is fun so this should be a hoot. 4 THE BELT! They are smacky and kicky and you wait for the first big suplex by Otsuka. Otsuka elbows and forearms like a LEGEND CHAMP! ST2 hits the nasty straightjacket DDT to procure the triangle choke which morphs into the Rings of Saturn! ST2 makes with the knees and slaps to procure the Crosswing CHICKENFACE! Otsuka escapes again and he is a champion on the ropes. He counters a Tiger Suplex with a takedown and an anklelock. ST2 spins and out is stomped repeatedly for the effort. Giant spin and half crab and this isn’t raising up to the Greatness Of BattlARTS but its perfectly fine. Otsuka makes with the suplexes and assorted submissions but it isn’t harrowing and cathartic like a good BattlARTS match. I don’t know. Release a Dragon Suplex or something. Kick it over the top. This doesn’t do that.

Gran Hamada/ Sammy Lee Jr./ Kendo Nagazaki vs Tiger Shark/ Black Shadow:
Can Kendo Nagasaki still bring the magic? I am excited about even more variations on the Tiger Mask gimmick. Ah crap, it’s the British Kendo Nagazaki. Boooooo. I have been baited and switched! Tiger Shark’s mask is pretty fucking swanky- Tiger Mask with shark’s teeth. God, Hamada looks like current day Dory Funk now so I guess his personal Portait of Dorian Gray has caught up with him. Sammy Lee Jr. Orihara Moonsaults to his death early so I am actually finding parts of this pleasing. God, Hamada’s million year old ass still goes up for the toprope rana like a fucking champ! Jesus, Hamada takes a brainbuster to the floor as FUCKING ORIHARA has decided that Hamada will DIE THIS NIGHT! God, Orihara looks like they scraped him off the floor of a Minneapolis Airport rest room. Tiger Shark hasn’t quite gotten the spinny TM stuff down. The Masks decide to kill Sammy after beating the old guys to death to the point that Hamada is stretchered out! STRETCHERED OUT! AWESOME! Kendo takes an STO straight on top of his head and I’m recovering from buyer’s remorse. They beat on Kendo forever until he vertically suplexes to COMEBACK~! and then hits a SWEET double lariat to tag in the useless so far Sammy Lee. Sammy is a house a fire and does the TM stuff smoother than the other two. Kendo tags in and hits the fattest old guy senton you will ever see and I suddenly totally love this match. Tiger Shark double DDTs a flapjack attempt and the evil TM trainees beat on Kendo for a while. Kendo hits a great fucking Western Lariat and TWO fucking beautiful brainbusters. ORIHARA~! interferes to keep his minions unpinned and beat on Kendo a while longer until Dark Shadow kills him with a brainbuster for the win. I dug this match though it all kinda made Sammy Lee look like a total puss.

Minoru Suzuki vs. Yuki Ishikawa:
So this goes roughly 7 minutes? Yuki drives his forearm into Suzuki’s face early and they get pissed off and smacky and trade headbutts. They do some half-assed matwork. Yuki wants a fight, Suzuki is a load. Yuki taps to a sleeper. BOY! That sucked some ass.

First Tiger Mask/ Tiger Mask vs. Riki Choshu/ Tatsuhito Takaiwa:
Oh Jesus, a MAN- A FUCKING MAN! That is what I am FOR YOU! I am going to watch this because of love YOU. My beloved and endearing reader, I do this FOR YOU. Oh holy fuck, here we go. Goddam, Sayama must weight a thousand pounds now. He should change his name to Tiger Robert Hughes. He should come to the ring with his twin bother on minibikes. He still gets up for the dropkick on Choshu, though. So here’s to you, fellow aging fat man. Takaiwa beats on TM4 but it’s not as hot as TM4 vs. BT is these days. But still, the fact that I can still give a shit about TM4 in 2009 is tribute to TM4. Sayama kicks Takaiwa and it looks gnarley because Sayama can put some ass behind it now. Choshyu tags in and hits a sweet looking brainbuster on TM4. Choshyu SHOOTS on the photographers at ringside! Oooh geez, it’s hard to concentrate. Draft talk on NFL network. KTMA-period MST3K just finished burning… OH WAIT! Sayama tags in and his offense is awesome now that he is a fat ass. Nasty kick to Choshu’s throat and nice kneedrop to the teeth. Takaiwa tags in. 6 more minutes six more minutes…. TM4 tags in he and Takaiwa punch each other in the face, which is nice. Choshu procures the Scorpion Deathlock. Sayama kicks him in the teeth. Choshu kills TM4 with a RikiLariat but it isn’t over. Drifting…..drifting…. Takaiwa and TM4 trade finishers…. drifint….. wsrow;j;r….. SAYAMA BACK IN! GODDAM, that was a NASTY fucking tombstone. Okay, Sayama is totally bad ass now in my book. Fat Boy Diving HeadButt? OH SIGN ME UP! TIGAH SUPLEX HOLDO! SAYAMA! Sudden FAT MAN SUPERSTAR! Perfectly fine.

~!~

There’s no turning back now- I’m under attack now- I see the skies are open
And I hear the word spoken- SINGLES GOING STEADY You only perceive
what you believe- You need only believe to believe- What do you know?- What do you know?

~!~

ANDRE THE GIANT vs. RICKY CHOSHU – New Japan (06/01/1984)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
Angry Andre in New Japan is so quickly becoming one of my favorites who I am bitter about not watching more of and considering how much I love the Andre/Stan Hansen match, I have no one to blame but myself. This was from a IWGP League (and I know that Andre/Dick Murdoch match has to be floating around and since I have no memory of it – it will be new to me!). Andre spend the first couple of minutes distraught and the fans so he was out and about in the crowd scaring the poop out of them. Just for the record, if I was in the crowd and Andre was headed my way, yelling in his angry French, I sure as heck would be headed the other way. Why the fuck Andre never did any of this great “hate the crowd” stuff (especially the cover the ears in frustrating spot) when he was feuding with Hulk Hogan is beyond me. Choshu is working exactly as you would imagine. Tiny babyface trying to use quickness to avoid the giant. Andre does do the great (and kinda dickish) bear hug from his knees. Well it certainly appears that they are teasing Choshu bodyslamming and… WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? DID Choshu JUST FUCKING BODYSLAM?!?!?!?! AND LESS THAN THREE MINUTES INTO THE MATCH?!?!?!?!?! AND AS A FUCKING TRANSITION?!?!?! Okay – seriously? Did Inoki just fly Andre over so everyone could get their rocks off by slamming him? What’s next? Is he going to have one giant line of wrestlers and fans and office space just lineup to each get their crack? Andre wins by literally sitting on Choshu. From bell to bell, the match was five minutes and thirty seconds. Weird…

Negro Casas vs Mistico- CMLL FSE 3/28/09
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]
God, I haven’t seen Mistico since the Black Warrior mask match. I wonder if I shall be as hip and non-plussed by his stylings. ROLL THE TAPE! Mistico comes out to a song with a child choir which is pretty awesome. This is FOR THE BELT! Negro rules the earth so if Mistico ever has a chance for an awesome match, this would be it. Negro begins the proceedings by kicking Mistico- maybe once in the peenie area but they miss the shot. Mistico hits a tres swanky tope early, crushing chubby Mexicans in the first row. But I’ve waaaay too many guys three times his size fucking crush people this week for me to get too worked up. But it was very nice. Casas gets a really quick first fall by hitting a sweet spinning headscissors into a Fujiwara Armbar. Casas starts the second caida to procuring a cross-arm-breaker over the toprope and the crowd is super pro Casas for some reason. He does another CAB over the bottom rope and this is all psychological and shit. Negro Casas kicks Mistico straight in the face a few times- and by 10:14 into the clip, Casas has beaten Mistico into your heart. Mistico sells the arm and gets a jumping kick to the face. Casas hit the fucking AWWWWWWWWWESOME Dragonscrew through the ropes so it drives Mistico’s face into the toprope and this match fucking rules. Mistico is a wreck and Casas is all-time great at beating your ass so IMAGINE MY EXCITEMENT! Casas sits him on the top and Dragonscrews him to the mat and applies the Figure-Four until Mistico hits the ropes. Mistico is selling like a king. And Casas dropkicks his knee while Mistico is hopping around and we together begin weeping at the beauty. MIstico dodges a corner lariat and Mistico gets all fired up, hitting some kicks and bit of corner facescraping with a dropkick variation at the end to allow a mortal. Mistico misses a moonsault and Casas dropkicks the knee again. They roll through some La Majistrals but Mistico’s sticks for the second fall pin. Casas starts the tercera caida by stomping on Mistico. Mistico bounces around the ring but can’t really hit a quebradora because he is selling the knee- which is a very nice touch. He hits an Asai Moonsault to lead into an endless roll-up sequence which ends in STALEMATE! Casas kicks Mistico in the face a bunch because NEGRO CASAS knows what DEAN likes. Casas hits a Tope Con Hilo just to change things up. Casas kicks Mistico in the face when he gets back in the ring until Mistico hits a truly sweet Angel Azteca armdrag set up his no-hands varuiation on the Tope Con Hilo. Casas still is in charge when they get back to the ring- as Mistico is still selling the knee- and Casas applies the MEXICAN CEILING HOLD~! and a facebuster for two. Mistico jumps on the toprope and crushes his own testicles and goes into the TREE OF WOE. Casas stomps on his face and then goes all suplex crazy. Casas goes for La Tapitia but Mistico escapes and procures his own until the double two count breaks it up. Casas goes up top and Mistico catches him on the way- much to the crowds chagrin- and Superplexes for two. This is really good, but it’s not like Casas is in their with a guy with an actual offense- so you won’t be forgetting Casas-Santo 98 because of this or anything. But it is Casas carrying a pretty game technico so I like Mistico after this than before it. Mistico hits a NASTY Spanish Fly and Casas KICKS OUT?!?! Mistico’s second- whose name eludes me at the moment- distracts the ref so Casas pulls off Mistico’s mask and gets the pin. Yeah, this was good. Not life changing like ten other Casas matches have been, but good. Actually, I guess you could consider this a Casas miracle match since it goes nearly 30 minutes but you never get bored- the key being that Mistico’s offense takes up less than five minutes of the match. That’s some rudoing, my boy. And Negro Casas is your new champion!

Lenny Lane vs. Rick Fuller – Great Lakes Championship Wrestling (03/08/08)
(by PHIL RIPPA)
It is sooooooo 1998 again. The match is held in a ballroom somewhere in Milwaukee and we all weep at the glory that is fucking ballroom wrestling. Heck, the video quality on this clip is so 1998ish too. I mean it’s not off a JoMosh tape or anything but you would think that with the advances that technology has made in the ten years from 1998 to when this match was shot, someone would have figured out that having tracking lines at the bottom of the video isn’t the highest production ever . Well, and to invest in a tripod and perhaps a digital camcorder. The kicker to everything is that Fuller and Lane go out and have a match straight out of 1998 Worldwide. Fuller looks EXACTLY the same as the last time I saw him. Lane has acquired this ENORMOUS ugly ass tattoo on his upper right arm that I don’t recall him having before. Fuller still sells kinda goofily but that has always seemed to be the problem of a big guy trying his best to make little guys look credible but not quite understanding his own body. I still love the big oaf. Lane doesn’t really do anything memorable except knock a fat, old lady out of her chair. All in all, I not unhappy that I spent 11 minutes on this. It was a fine #268 vs. #396 kinda match.

Rey Hechicero vs. Valiente – WWA Middleweight Title (1/27/08 – Lucha Libre Azteca)
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]
This is for the belt so this forgoes the many forays into Rudo Evil and concentrates on the grace and beauty of the Lucha Libre. But we’ll see. I love Valiente and the announcers are wise in bringing up the name of Super Astro because he the new Super Astro- what with being a fat boy and not tall and utterly spectacular. Rey Hechicero is mysterious to me- which is understandable- but he is also mysterious to Luchawiki- who knows that he took Gitano del Norte’s mask in 2007- so I feel fine not knowing a thing about the taller guy who would be your champion. He is a big boy and looks like your classic luchadore. Okay. You first caida is Valiente schooling Rey on the mat and then Rey schooling Valiente on the mat and so on. It’s an early plethora of lucha submissions and Valiente has the twistiest. They doing endless POWER BRIDGING~! and Rey ends it all by armdragging the action back to mat submissions as he armdrags into keylock and YOU weep. Valiente rolls-up and armdrags it back to the VERTICAL BASE! Valiente brings three more fucked up lucha submissions and Rey can do the math and taps like a little bitch! Second Caida is Valiente going completely Super Astro on your ass and it is pretty beautiful- down to the hop into the quebrada to a pose to a beautiful armdrag. The Angel Azteca off-the-shoulder armdrag was kinda crappy and it leads to a Ace Crusher and quick submission for Rey to even it up so it was a weee wisp of a second fall. Third falls starts with rollups and a wad of nearfalls before Rey bumps gigantic to the floor and takes the full measure of Valiente’s 90 Pound Ham Shot Out Of Cannon tope and it ruled! Valiente does a backbreaker variation, grabbing the mask! Rey hits the ENORMOUS Tope Con Hilo on the little fat guy and this is pretty much how you do a title match so it’s a good variation on a well-worn theme. Rey gets to chopping and belly-bustin’ for two to lead up to a wheelbarrow senton to two knees being held up! Valiente says, “Lemme show you my HIGHSPOTZ~! YEAH!” and hits the Silver King Moonsault to the floor but bouncing off the toprope instead of the second to totally destroy young Rey. They crawl to the ring in a choppin’ mood. Valiente breaks it up with a Rolling Kneckbreaker and the nearfall section has BEGUN! Rey ducks a moonsault and Rey finally hits a REVERSE LUNGBLOWAH~! to apply the keylock to get…. THE BELT! This was quality Lucha Libre.
NEXT TIME: All the stuff we started writing but didn’t actually finish. So maybe some BattlARTS or some IWRG or some Osaka Pro. There definitely will be some Dragon Gate. We need to bump up our HITS~!