Hello Tender Reader.  Listen to the jingle, the rumble and the roar, we’re the combination called the MOTHERFUCKING DVD-HOLLENDAISE.  We wanna say God bless GLENN! for being the badass Mack of Tokyo.  Rev Ray (aquarius)- who loves on Naimark’s mom and then smuggles her some cigarettes that she can use for currency- likes a woman who loves her freedom and who can hold her own,so take his hand and he will take you to loveland with his Minkiriffic OZ Academy review and other Grapple Swankness.  Pogo Pete (libra)- who supplies Mrs Schneider the beef dart between her shifts at Hardees- likes a woman who is quiet, who carries herself like Miss Universe and who is supplying his views on the AWESOME GAEA 4/4/4/4/4/4 show.  I’m Dean (leo) - who takes Rippa’s mom to the mountain top when I’ve got five bucks left over- and I love all the women in the world with my loving look at BattlARTS and if you understand what I’m saying, I want you to take my hand and float on to the first review by REV RAY! Tell me something good.  Tell me that you love me.....

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$ OZ ACADEMY TV SPECIAL - 2/28/99
(by REV RAY DUFFY!)
Show opens with the GAEA ring seeing the full moon and turning into the super evil OZ Acadamy ring.  There's also the great goofiness of a group of Japanese women using "Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)" by the Offspring as the opening credits.

From there we get clips of the hell Oz and company have been raising in GAEA with the super star unit including Oz commenting on the show's line up.

Kaori Nakayama vs. Chikayo Nagashima:
Nakayama is one of the refugees of the FMW women's division who's more or less the "pledge" of the Oz Academy.  Unlike the other refugee's, she's not super heavy and in general, she doesn't suck.  Chikayo is on a hot streak as when I first started getting GAEA tapes, she was shakey at times, but in the last few months, I think he's gotten her confidence and looks sharp.  Both girls look pretty sharp and I think it's happy times for all as Nagashima is usually the whipping girl of Oz and now has someone lower in the pecking order and Nakayama doesn't have her royal shittiness Shark carving her up and no selling all her moves.  Nakayama gets in some good stuff.  She's got a good swinging DDT and she pulls off some moonsaults as well. Chikayo controls for most of the match and ends up getting the duke with the hurty fishermanbuster.  Post match, Oz comes down the ringside and there's talk between her and Nakayama.  Nakayama shows potential and training with Oz can only be a good thing.

Sugar Sato vs. Devil Masami (JWP):
Devil- who once put an armbar on Eve at Eden-mania I- offers the handshake at the start of the match.  The less that's said about this the better.  Devil really doesn't sell much early on for Sugar aside from a figure four spot.  Sugar gets some offense out on the floor, allowing her to set up an Oklahoma stampede, but her offense is pretty much short lived even when she does get some stuff in. Devil hits two jumping powerbombs which Sugar kicks out of and then staggers around the ring.  Devil does for a third, Sugar tries to rana out but that's not really happening and rather than kill her like Kawada killed Misawa in the January Triple Crown match, Devil let's her live temporarily before hitting the third powerbomb for the win.

Aja Kong(free)/Carlos Amano (JWP) vs. Toshiyo Yamada/Meiko Satomura (GAEA):
Carloz (the z is because she's from the street... she comes out to "Gangstas Paradise" after all) is sporting blue hair.  Satomura gets up in Aja's face during the ring intros.  Satomura and  Amano start out with headbutts on each other and a sequence were Amano tried to set up a diving lariat earler but ends up missing it.  It breaks down early as all 4 brawl through the crowd early and the rudas use chairs to beat on the GAEA gals for a bit.  Aja and Amano return to the ring to return to a normal match, but when Satomura throws a chair at Aja, it results in more crowd brawling mayhem with Team GAEA getting beat up some more with chairs, cans and other plunder.  Satomura gets thrown in the ring and plays whipping girl for a while as Aja beats the fudge out of her for a bit.  Amano works for a half crab submission, which Meiko rope saves out of.  Aja works a boston crab, Amano's nice enough to walk in and grind her boot into Satomura's head while she's in the hold.  Amano ends up eating a corner diving elbow counter to a corner whip and Yamada is tagged in and works on Amano with a racked leg hold.  Amano gets the tag.  Aja bulldozes Yamada a bunch, gets hit with a diving kick allowing Yamada to tag out to Satomura.  Satomura gets some stuff in before Aja kills her some.  Amano comes up with a neat Oklahoma roll into a cross armbreaker.  Things go back and forth a bit.  Satomura tries to do her crossarmbreaker off the second rope on Aja, but Amano runs in and saves Aja by doing the move to Satomura.  Aja and Amano hit the doomsay device on Satomura.  Amano shows interesting ways to throw someone into a cross armbreaker. Maybe someone should send a tape Kendo Ka Shin's way so he could vary the way he uses the move since he uses about 80 million times in his matches.  Amano escapes the reverse gory bomb into the cross armbreaker at one point.  We go into near falls a mania. Yamada blocks an Aja uraken with a kick to the arm.  Her reverse dory special bomb is countered with an uraken.  I'm not sure if I liked the finish to this.  Satomura hits the DVB on Aja which sets up Yamada's RGSB for a two count.  Yamada tries to pick up Aja but she can't so she tells Tommy Ran (my second favorite referee behind Ted Tanabe) to count out Aja.  As Tommy counts and Yamada celebrates with her back turned, Aja pops up and nails the uraken and scores the win.  I dunno, I liked the playing possum bit, but it was a manami-esque pop up.  The match was solid and stiff, but I was expecting a little more.  Yamada spent a lot of time on the apron, but given this was the second show that day, maybe she was tired from working earlier.  I'd like to see some more of Amano in GAEA since I don't usually get JWP.

Mayumi Ozaki vs. Mima Shimoda:
The Minky Hellcats lock horns and you get to watch. It starts with Oz and Mima trying some big moves and them avoiding each other. They end out coming outside and Mima takes over with a few chairshots and an ax kick, resulting in Oz bleeding. Oz gets a chain and starts bashing Mima in the face with it, causing her to bleed. Oz, who's face is redder than her outfit hits a thunder fire powerbomb for a two. Mima avoids her uraken with the chain and a tug-o-war ends up with both women decking each other with the chain. They brawl out into the crowd. Oz fills the ring with chairs and superplexes Mima on it. Oz's powerbomb and uraken follow up attempts are avoided and Oz takes a German suplex into the pile of chairs. Mima tries to sit Oz in a chair and kick her off the apron, but Oz meets her with an uraken and gives Mima a taste of her own medicine. Oz throws her back in and hits a powerbomb for a two. Shimoda tries to catch Oz with the Death Lake Driver, but Oz fights her off and hits a load of urakens. Oz hits the tequila sunrise for a two. Shimoda gets the chain and chokes out Oz to get back in control.  Shimoda ties the chain around her ankle and does the top rope somersault ax kick to get a two.  As Shimoda argues with Ran, Oz get the chain and hits about 4 urakens with the chain.  She hits a few more urakens until Shimoda misses an ax kick and ducks a few. Oz finally catches her with one final uraken and scores the pin. Post match, Oz and Shimoda share a bloody embrace.  Post match, the Oz Acadamy does their "bonzai!" ritual to close out the show.

#$#$#$#$#$ BATTLARTS BATTLE STATION- 2/21/1999
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN!)
In case you didn’t know, I REALLY mother fulking love BattlARTS and this is another in a long list of strong tapes you need to get for your Finest Moments In Late Nineties Grappling and All Around Real Pro Wrestling Tape Collection.  BattlARTS is fucking SWANK.

Mach Junji vs. Takashi Hijikata:
Mach- who I figured would break out like a mother this year- has turned all weirdly evil and is aligning himself with the slightly resurgent Takeshi Ono and ne’er-do-well Orihara.This is clipped all to hell but Hijikata looks good hitting some nasty suplexes that he BattlARTSalizes into cool ass chokeholds, but pink-beclad Mach Junji looks kinda cumbersome in the heel role as opposed to being in the role of the horse that brung him (freaky shootstyle high-flying).  Mach wins with a flying headbutt- into- single- legged- Boston-Crab (also called the Single-Legged Boston Crab) ((no doubt stolen from SuperNova)).

Katsumi Usuda vs. Masaaki Mochizuki:
For SOME fucking reason THIS is CLIPPED! WHAT THE FUCK?  SamuraiTV can suck my huge white dink.  Anyway, these two really beat the living hell out of folks.  Mochizuki is the prototype of the new era BattlARTS young punk as he kicks Usuda really hard right in the face, goes for a few submissions but then throws in a Mor-TAL! and Springboard Highkick as the final aspect of the weirdo new BattlARTS highflyers stylistic trifecta is complete (and world famous, now that the world is FINALLY seeing it all- now that Minoru Tanaka ((it’s most talented purveyor)), is Top O the Super J boy and all) to move into Usuda’s final submission sequence as Usuda counters a toprope highkick into a kneebar and then finally finishes off his flashy and fun-as-hell opponent with a Volk Han-ian mega-goofball Carny-Cum-Lucha Inverted Step-Over Toehold.  Three minutes out of Ten and I’m all cheesed off still. What the fuck is this, New Japan TV?

Tiger Mask IV/ Naohiro Hoshikawa vs. Minoru Fujita/ Ikuto Hidaka:
Fujita and Hidaka are the coolest 1980’s tagteam in the world!  This match rocks- as TM4 and Hoshikawa further prove that they are SO much more fun in every promotion that isn’t Michinoku Pro.  Fujita and Hidaka are spunky faces and TM4 and Hoshikawa just beat the living hell out of them like Ono and Ikeda beat the holy living paste out of TM4 and Hosh last year. Fujita and Hidaka come raging back with their SUPER TRICKED OUT Midnight Express-On-Crystal Meth double team maneuvers that are so elaborate and preposterous that CRAZY MAX phone in and say, “Well, now THAT’s just goofy...”  The kinda divide it up with Fujita and TM4 taking turns being total dicks to each other- as TM4 kicks him in the face a whole bunch of fancy and then foules him exactly like Sayama fouled TM4 in the last insufferable TM vs TM4 match I saw.  Fujita finds new and exciting ways to break TM4’s knee with assorted springboard dropkicks and flippy, jumpy kneebars.  Hoshikawa reminds Hidaka as to why he was thought of so highly by your loving author when he was on that big hotstreak in late 1997 thru early 1998, as he suplexes the flying crud out of Hidaka and then kicks him in the face a whole bunch.  TM4 finally gets the Triangle Hold on Fujita to take it home as this made everybody look better than when they came in.  The really great dickish saves on both sides and the FABULOUS Double Tope Suicida clearing out the fifth row by Hidaka and Fujita puts this waaaay in the “Go Ahead And Get This Column.”

Masao Orihara vs. Takeshi Ono:
Orihara is Sabu of Japan: an aging midgrade highflyer who seemed to be the Next Big Thing at one point but ended up sucking in the indies for a myriad of reasons- mostly because once you saw enough of his matches you realized that he kinda... well.... sucked.  I blame Orihara for derailing Takeshi Ono for most of 1998 in the Most Promising Total Asshole In Wrestling Talent Search- since Kanemoto and his crew are no-selling their way into oblivion and TAKA is just now recovering from the genius of Vince McMahon.  Takeshi would have lost miserably to the fucking ELECTRIC Shima Nobunaga anyway, but he would have come closer to be the Brand New Dick if he wasn’t learning how to stink up a match by learning all of Orihara’s cheap heel tactics and pint-sized Masa Chono-ized low-blowarific crappy offense.  Add that to the fact that Orihara has guided him to lose the cool Ikeda-esque stiff-as-fudge and stretchy matwork to ape Orihara’s half-assed Elvis Nakano Doing The Crappiest Aspects Of UWFi-styled matwork.  Now that I’ve told you how bad these two are let me now tell you that this match was pretty good though- as Ono goes back to his BattlARTS roots- the roots that are entrenched in the fact that some of best BattlARTS matches are just some really well-educated brawls.  Ikeda, Usuda, Ono-in-the-old-days, Otsuka, Okamoto, Ishikawa are all just well-rounded Old School Ass-kickers in the absolute best sense of the words- Dick Murdocks who kick like motherfuckers and who stretch folks like Aja Kong in a bad mood.  Orihara and Ono approximate a little of this in this match but actually they just finally get all that sloppy highflying right that had made their foray into Michinoku Pro such a disappointment.  Plus Ono punches Orihara right in the face really hard and then kicks him right in the face really hard at key moments and Orihara takes it like a man so this does go to a real “Puroresu the way you like it” level.  There is a big cool stiff finishing sequence that leads to the foule-arific ending.  This was pretty fabulous by the end.  Mach Junji joins the bad hair lovefest postmatch and the lotsa cursing interview follows.  THOSE REBELS!

Minoru Tanaka vs. Hayato Nanjo:
Ah, it’s another year and it’s another chance- FINALLY- to make jokes about how ugly Hayato’s mug is.  It feels good really.  BOY! Hey Nanjo!  What happened to your face?  Cheese grater get away from you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Hey wait!  Maybe sweet love is on your horizon after all. Maybe you could join the Oakland Raiders as a free safety or something so you could have a go at Schneider’s mom.  Actually, work on your placekicking; she goes in numerical order.  But I kid the quasi-talented, unfortunately unmasked Hayato Nanjo.  He hangs with the FABULOUSLY ABLAZE Tanaka pretty well- getting in his lowgrade highspots and not fucking up the amazing Tanaka’s fast-as-living-crap elaborate submission holds.  Minoru’s Northern Light Suplex Into A Cross Arm-breaker is to fucking DIE for in this motherfudger.  Hayato hits a good little midgrade Asai Moonsault which clears out three rows and follows up with a nice standing Hurricanrana.  Tanaka goes all submission-crazy on him for a while and does the hilariously GREAT Corner Quebrada Into A Cross-Armbreaker.  Hayato busts out the lucha roots with some swanky roll-ups but Tanaka almost connects on a deadly spin kick and the NLSIACAB follows and we all weep love’s easy tears.  Irritatingly clipped.

Yuji Ishikawa/ Alexander Otsuka vs. Diasuke Ikeda/ Mohammed Yone:
Mohammed Yone has gotten beaten hideously into my heart and- here- Alexander Otsuka just KILLS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF HIM.  This is one of those great,great BattlARTS matches where the stiffness level is just fucking mindboggling.  The fact that Ishikawa and Ikeda are in the ring together instantly kicks the bar up a bit.  Otsuka - the original Diet Butcher (?!?!?!) and crusher of Marco Ruas’ face- is to BattlARTS like KAORU is to GAEA- lacklustre outside of the promotion but awesome and vital inside the promotion and here he and Yone try to get Yone over the hard, hard, hard, hard way and at the same time set up the MP money match of Otsuka vs Shinzaki.  Ikeda and Ishikawa start the festivites by seeing how hard you can punch someone in the face without actually drawing blood (turns out to be pretty fucking hard.) Yone tags in and tries to pick up on the slight advantage Ikeda leaves him but Ishikawa begins to beat the hell out of him and tags in Otsuka who goes all old school US Pro-style with Wahoo chops and a Lawler Vertical Suplex into a Heelhook that Ikeda kicks Otsuka RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TEETH to break up.  Otsuka procures the Rear Naked Choke and Ikeda quickly saves Yone again. Ishikawa runs in and says, “HEY! Let the little pansy lose like a man!”  Yone uses the Ikeda assist to get a key-lock on Otsuka.  Yone makes the tag and Otsuka gets the Ikeda Ass-kicking he’d always wanted, where Ikeda beats and stretches him until he gets thrown out of the ring- where Yone gets to kick him and call him a big pussy.  Otsuka jumps back in the ring and counters out of some Ikeda moves and starts wrestling all over Ikeda’s ass until DIET BUTCHER can make the tag to Ishikawa and we get back to Ikeda and Ishikawa beating the breathing hell out of each other and YOUR heart is filled with glee because this is like the best ass-kicking you will ever see.  After a particularly fantabulous forearm right to the face, Ikeda tags out and Yone starts beating the hell out of Ishikawa- one of the first instances where young Yone has actually looked dangerous.  Ishikawa counters out as the TRUE story of the match begins to come to fruition:  Ikeda has proven himself as a real ass-stomper on a billion occasions, Ishikawa won the B-Cup to further prove he was a badass to accompany his much quieter-than-Ikeda rise to the creme of skull-crushing, Otsuka beat Ruas at Pride 4 so he’s got nothing to prove- so that leaves Yone to prove himself to the Big Boys and he has to go through Otsuka because Ikeda has already mauled Ishikawa too much to make that a legit route for Yone to prove himself in this match.  Yone starts off with SWANK~! Dropdown Shoulder-To-Shoulder Breaker that I had NEVER seen and Otsuka takes like a KING.  Yone hits a freaky Powerbomb thing and procures the choke.  Ikeda and Ishikawa having finished mauling each other with sledge hammers or something off camera on the floor, Ishikawa makes the save. After that they both tag out, so as to have one last breather before true horror kicks in.  Otsuka and Ikeda end up in the ring as Ikeda avoids Otsuka’s SUPERNASTY Released Dragon Suplex and gets the tag as we head home. Otsuka hits the assisted Tiger Suplex as Ishikawa hits the spin kick to the face of Yone as he is being set up to be thrown on his head- thus achieving win, place, and show in the Dick Move 1999 Sweepstakes. Otsuka goes out for the knockout as he does one of the most hellraising Released Dragon Suplexes IIII’ve ever seen.  Incredibly, Yone gets to his feet at eight so Otsuka hits an EVEN MORE HORRIFYING Released Dragon Suplex and Yone crawls to his feet at eight.  Otsuka- incredulous- Released Dragon Suplexes Yone AGAIN and Ikeda is cheering him on to get up (as to why I’ll never know).  Yone, who must be delirious and/or really stupid at this point GETS UP AGAIN.  So Otsuka does a FOURTH EVEN MORE BRAIN-STEM SMASHING Released Dragon Suplex and Ishikawa tells Ikeda to stop this as the ref finally hits the ten count.  Otsuka, the eternal face, is all distraught at almost killing the burgeoning young prospect and cries a bunch into THE STICK!  Shinzaki appears out of the crowd and offers to kick Otsuka’s ass at a big card for Michinoku Pro.  This match motherfucking RULED and the ending is absolutely HARROWING in its scope of danger and violence.  You won’t see this in the US, folks.  Yone got elevated, Otsuka got elevated and I got to watch some GREAT professional wrestling. Otsuka is poised for superstardom as is Minoru Tanaka and Yone is looking to be a new player in BattlARTS.  GET EVERY LAST FUCKING MINUTE OF THIS.

!@!@!@!@!@!@ G-PANIC SPECIAL: 4444  (The 4th Anniversary, April 4 at 4 PM)
(by PETE STEIN)
This is the biggest show in GAEA's history, based completely around the GAEA vs. Super Star Unit feud, and with the promotion itself hanging in the balance for the main event. Sakura Hirota actually gets to give the welcome announcement, and whatever she says has the SSU laughing their asses off.

GAEA vs OZ ACADEMY SURVIVAL SINGLE MATCH 3 X 3-  TOSHIE UEMATSU/ RIE/ SAKURA HIROTA vs. SUGAR SATO/ KAORI NAKAYAMA/ CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA.
This is an elimination match set up as a series of single matches, with the loser getting replaced by the next member of her team until the entire team is eliminated.

SUGAR SATO vs. TOSHIE UEMATSU:
Both girls are sporting new costumes; Uematsu has a new black look while Sugar's gone to a white version of what Ozaki wears. Match starts with a test of strength which ends when Uematsu hits Sugar with her double-wrist arm salto for a near-fall to a big pop, and we're off to the races.  Match goes back and forth for the first five minutes or so before Uematsu takes control with a series of missile dropkicks, but Sugar kicks out at like 2.999.  Great heat from the crowd considering this is the opening match.  Sugar comes back with a dragon screw, Oklahoma Stampede and a diving elbow for a near-fall.  Uematsu tries to comeback but Sugar cuts her off.  She places Uematsu on top and goes for a brain buster; Uematsu slips behind and rolls her up but Sugar rolls through for a near-fall.  Sugar goes for the Liger bomb but Uematsu flips out, punches her and hits her half-wrist arm salto (Sugar gets saved because this is another ref who has to sloooooow her third count down- this annoys me like Toyota annoys Rev Ray and soap annoys Schneider).  Uematsu hits the ropes but Sugar hits the uraken on the rebound for 2.  Sugar heads up top; Uematsu meets her there and teases a top-rope double-wrist salto, but Sugar knocks her down and they both miss dropkicks.  Uematsu recovers first and goes for the double-wrist but Sugar reverses it into a TFPB for 2.  Uematsu comes back with a rollup, a released German suplex and a missile dropkick to the back of Sugar's head for 2.99999.  The two trade punches and urakens until Sugar finally catches Uematsu and pins her with the Liger bomb at 13:47.  Great opener.

SUGAR SATO vs. RIE:
RIE attacks at the bell, hitting Sugar with a fast released German suplex and following with Destiny Hammer for 2.  RIE goes back up top but Sugar catches her in mid-air with her dragon screw> figure-four leglock combo.  Match goes back and forth until Sugar hits three dragon screws and follows with the Liger bomb on RIE for the pin at 7:29.  Cut me some slack, it's "Bad Nurse" Nakamura we're talking about here.

SUGAR SATO vs. SAKURA HIROTA:
Hirota gets a mess o' streamers for her intro, but Sugar jumps her as soon as she turns around and chokes her out with her gown before the bell even rings.  Sugar destroys her with two urakens, a missile dropkick to Hirota's face and a released powerbomb, then kicks her around some before hitting her with a TFPB for 2.  Hirota sneaks in a roll-up and gives Sugar an uraken of her own, but Sugar no-sells and slaps her down.  Sugar goes for the Liger bomb, but Hirota reverses it into a Frankenstein. Sugar charges her, but Hirota side-steps, slaps on her weird "piggyback" armlock and turns it into a rollup on Sugar for the upset pin at 2:38.  MASSIVE pop, and Sugar takes her frustrations out on the ref while RIE and Uematsu celebrate with Hirota.

KAORI NAKAYAMA vs. SAKURA HIROTA:
This Oz Academy gig has just been a TOTAL godsend for Nakayama... nice stretch from getting carved up by Shark to having actual wrestling matches. She gets to show off the necessary bitchiness for the role too, slapping a camel clutch on Hirota and talking smack directly into her face.  This is a fun little match with both girls pulling off some neat moves, Nakayama in particular with this cool jumping DDT she does as well as a hot Frankenstein off the top. Ending comes as the two battle in backslide position until Nakayama wins.  Hirota gets wrapped up in the ropes for the save, gives Nakayama an uraken and rolls her up; Nakayama rolls through, but Hirota rolls through as well and gets the pin at 9:21.

CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA vs. SAKURA HIROTA:
Nagashima jumps Hirota, gives her a German suplex, then heads up top and gives her a top-rope foot-stomp before she even gets her Oz Academy varsity jacket off (I have GOT to get me one of those).  She hits a second top-rope footstomp and goes for the pin but RIE and Uematsu make the save. And the benches clear!  Oz Academy heads after RIE and Uematsu and before long we've got tiny girls brawling all over ringside.  Nagashima dropkicks Hirota to the floor and heads up top while everyone congregates on the floor, but Team GAEA moves at the last second and Nagashima wipes out her teammates with a plancha.  Hirota heads up top and gives Nagashima a plancha of her own.  They head back inside, where Nagashima slams Hirota and hits another footstomp off the top.  She picks Hirota up at 1 and goes for the fishermanbuster, but Hirota rolls through for 2.  RIE then comes off the top with Destiny Hammer on Nagashima and holds off the Academy while Hirota hits two of her Henara Sunsets (think "Tequila Sunrise") on Nagashima for near-falls.  She sets Nagashima on top and hits a third Sunset off the top rope for 2.  Hirota heads up top but Nakayama knocks her down, then all three Oz Academy members hit footstomps off the top on Hirota, at which point Nagashima hits a German suplex for 2.  Hirota comes back with an uraken and a wacky rollup for 2.  Nagashima ducks four straight uraken tries; Hirota fakes the fifth, then leans down and finally hits it on Nagashima.  She goes for it one more time, but Nagashima blocks it and smears Hirota with the fishermanbuster for the pin at 6:17 and the win for the Oz Academy.  Fun set of matches.

GAEA JAPAN vs. CACHORRUS ORIENTALES-  KAORU/TOSHIYO YAMADA vs. ETSUKO MITA/ MIMA SHIMODA:
Just a huge brawl from start to finish.  Cachorrus dominate the first several minutes after Yamada accidentally takes out KAORU with a kick; Shimoda ejects Yamada as well and follows with her Mita-assisted tope con hilo. Mita follows with a tope on Yamada, who got bloodied up at some point not caught on camera.  Yamada and KAORU get thrown back into the ring and get set up for the railing dive, but Yamada and KAORU are playing possum and they quickly take out the Cachorrus.  KAORU then slams Mita and Shimoda down, sets a row of chairs on top of them, and Yamada gives them a taste of their own medicine with a railing ride of her own! KAORU (also juicing; did GAORA hire the AAA camera crew for this one?) gives Shimoda two brainbusters onto a chair and follows up with Excalibur, but Mita makes the save.  Mita holds KAORU for Shimoda, but KAORU ducks and Mita eats a punch. Shimoda comes back and hits her Aussie (Tiger) suplex on KAORU for 2.  Mita comes in and goes for the DVD; KAORU flips out of it, but Shimoda comes in and chairs her. Shimoda tries it a second time but KAORU ducks and Mita takes the chair instead. KAORU's Excalibur gets 2 after she FUBAR's her quebrada. Yamada comes in and goes for her Reverse Gorry Special Bomb; Mita gets out of it and Shimoda comes off the top, but Yamada sees this coming and lays her out with a kick.  She goes for it again; Mita gets behind her, but KAORU comes off the ropes with a clothesline on her.  Yamada goes for her kick off the top, but Shimoda chairs her leg on the way down.  Tommy Ran tries to get the chair out of the ring, but while she does so Shimoda dropkicks Yamada into the chair and KO's Ran. Yamada finally hits the RGSB but Ran can't make the count in time. Yamada goes for the RGSB again; Mita flips around and hits the DVD, but Yamada no-sells (!) and gives Mita a nasty kick for 2.  Mita gets up and gives Yamada two straight DVDs, but KAORU makes the save. Yamada downs Shimoda with a spin kick and tags KAORU who hits her Valkyrie Splash (moonsault into senton), but Mita saves.  Mita accidentally hits Shimoda with her Blazing Chop and Yamada heads up top, but Shimoda moves and Yamada gives KAORU her kick by mistake.  Shimoda gives KAORU the axe kick but Yamada saves.  Mita wraps Yamada up while Shimoda hits the Death Lake Driver on KAORU, who kicks out.  All four venture onto the runway, where KAORU gives Yamada a quebrada after the Cachorrus move.  Shimoda and Yamada brawl all the way back to the interview area and back while Mita gives KAORU a DVD on the runway; they then line KAORU and Yamada up on the runway so Shimoda can give them a revenge railing ride on the runway (say THAT five times fast =P).  Yamada and KAORU get tossed inside and get lined up for another railing ride; Ran tries to stop them only to get squashed as well.  Mita gives KAORU another DVD and Shimoda hits her with a rolling guillotine legdrop; Ran staggers over to make the cover, but Mita knocks her away for not being quick enough. Cachorrus hit KAORU with everything in their playbook but
she either kicks out or gets saved.  KAORU finally makes her comeback and hits her quebrada off the *light standard* on the floor onto the Cachorrus!  Yamada hits a flip dive onto everyone on the floor.  In-ring KAORU hits the Excalibur on Shimoda but Mita saves.  Yamada takes Mita out while KAORU hits a leg lariat on Shimoda.  Yamada heads over and takes Shimoda's head off with a kick, which allows KAORU to hit two straight Excaliburs and IMPLODE Shimoda with a running Excalibur for the pin at 38:27.  Just an amazing brawl that never ends... this'll make someone's MOTYC list for sure based on all of the action, and you get the added bonus of emotional closure to the old Yamada-KAORU rivalry.

Footage of Aja Kong urakening the taste out of Meiko Satomura's mouth on multiple occasions leads directly into...

GAEA JAPAN VS. SSU-  MEIKO SATOMURA/ SONOKO KATO vs. AJA KONG/MAYUMI OZAKI:
Aja comes out wearing her Jackie Gleason smoking jacket- I keep waiting for her to grab the mic and say that "the Bunka Gym audiences are the greatest audiences in the world!"  (A joke only Jeff Amdur could appreciate.)  First several minutes are spent getting over the novel concept that HEY! Aja's really big and dangerous, Ozaki's really small but also dangerous in her own minky way, and there's no way in hell that Kato and Satomura can win this thing.  The youngsters have to double-team Aja to get an advantage as everytime they hit a move by themselves Aja does her "Did a fly just land on me?" sell-job.  Ozaki finally gets cut off and Kato hits her Dragon suplex but Aja embeds one of her garbage cans in Kato's head for the save.  Ozaki hits a TFPB on Kato and goes for the casual pin, then moves just as Satomura comes off the top and hits Kato by mistake.  Ozaki hits two urakens on Kato who goes down for an 8 count; she tries to make a tag but Ozaki's taken out Satomura.  Ozaki beats the crap out of Satomura on the runway and hits a TFPB there while Aja gives Kato the nickel tour of Bunka Gym's floor. Aja gives Satomura a windsprint clothesline on the runway while Ozaki tosses Kato back in; Ozaki then heads up top and Aja joins her to give Ozaki a superplex onto Kato, but Ozaki gets hurt herself.  Kato tags in Satomura who hits a diving splash on Ozaki for 2, and it stays even until Aja tags back in and just destroys Satomura with short-arm clotheslines.  She hits the ropes only to get cut off by Kato; Satomura heads in and hits the DVD, but Aja Toyotas up at 1 and hits another short-arm.  Kato makes the save and hits a German suplex on Aja, then hits her Crown's Gate finisher on Ozaki while Satomura gives Aja a second DVD, but both SSU members Norton up and hit stereo fishermanbusters on the GAEA team.  Aja blocks a rinne kick from Satomura and sets her up for her backdrop move off the top but Satomura gives her a sunset flip off the top for 2.  Aja comes back with a uraken and goes for a brainbuster but Satomura slips behind her and slaps a choke sleeper on Aja, who stays in the hold for almost two minutes before finally reaching the ropes.  This is the turning point in the match; Satomura hits the DVD again and Ozaki has to leap halfway across the ring to save Aja at the last nanosecond.  Satomura goes for the DVD again but Aja gives her the uraken on the way up, then pushes Satomura into Kato's kick.  Aja sets Satomura up one more time, but Ozaki rushes in and gives *Aja* the uraken by mistake... then does it *again* after Satomura ducks.  Kato takes Ozaki out while Satomura hits the rinne on Aja, then Satomura hits two straight DVDs on Aja and gets the UPSET OF THE MILLENIUM~! at 17:19.  Yokohama dry cleaner owners must be licking their chops because the crowd collectively WETS themselves for Satomura's win.  Satomura gets right in Aja's face, and Aja reciprocates with an uraken that would've had Asahi or NTV break in with one of those "flash" earthquake announcements if this were NJ or AJ... come to think of it, Satomura's definitely hearing chimes right about now. MASSIVE pull-apart follows as the entire Oz Academy has to drag Aja to the back.  This was really beautiful if you've followed GAEA since the beginning, as Chigusa's top proteges get the biggest win of their career on the anniversary of their respective debuts and it all comes full circle.

Lioness blows Chigusa off, hangs KAORU from the Korakuen Hall balcony, gives her a piledriver through a table, destroys one of her old "Crush Gals" jackets and lays the smackdown on one of the GAEA executives, which leads to the contract signings for...

CHIGUSA NAGAYO vs. LIONESS ASUKA:
Slow going to start with the big "spot" coming as the two trade Sharpshooters, but there's a metric ton of heat for everything. Chigusa eventually places Lioness on top and hits a huge belly-to-belly; she goes back up top, but someone in SSU hands Lioness a chair which she uses to paste Chigusa.  Lioness then goes onto the apron, gets underneath Chigusa and powerbombs her onto a table apparently set up on the floor by the SSU (entire floor area is darkened, explaining some of the sketchier details here).  Lioness takes part of the table and goes postal on Chigusa, and before long Chigusa's bleeding a gusher.  Lioness continues to beat Chigusa up on the runway; she then starts to climb up the same light standard KAORU did her quebrada off of earlier while SSU sets Chigusa up on a table, but Lioness slips off and doesn't quite hit what she wanted.  The SSU obligingly sets Chigusa up again, and Lioness hits a footstomp from something like 10 feet up.  The SSU piles some chairs in the ring and hands Chigusa over to Lioness, who sets her up top and hits a sort of modified Iconoclasm onto the chairs.  Lioness makes the cover, but Tommy Ran refuses to count it.  Lioness hits her Liger Bomb; Chigusa immediately pops up only to get WASTED by a Lioness spin kick. Lioness covers but Chigusa kicks out at 1.  The SSU gets pissed off at Ran and drag her outside while Lioness sets Chigusa up on a table in the ring; she heads up top but Chigusa recovers, cuts Lioness off and gives her the Superfreak through the unbreakable table! Chigusa places Lioness back up top and gives her the Running Three, but she hurts herself in the process and can't make the cover in time.  She ducks a Lioness kick and hits a DVD but Lioness kicks out at 2.  Chigusa heads up top but someone in SSU drills her with a chair, which allows Lioness to run in and hit the Towerhacker Bomb on Chigusa for 2. The SSU tries to bring in another table; Ran protests this, at which point Aja takes her out with one of her cans.  Lioness tries to drag Chgusa onto the table, but Chigusa gives her a German suplex off the table; no ref to make the count.  Chigusa goes after Lioness again, but Lioness literally TOASTS Chigusa by shooting a fireball in her face from point-blank range!  Lioness follows with a second Towerhacker, and Ran (bleeding like a stuck pig from the can shot) counts Chigusa out at 16:59.  This is a title switch in the truest sense of the word, as Lioness wins the title to GAEA and becomes the owner.  SSU grab the books, give a victory pose and parade out as the GAEA ring announcer gives a campy "D'OHHHH!" take to the camera and the GAEA executive sits bummed out.  GAEA head to the back in tears while KAORU and Yamada grab the house mic and promise GAEA's return.  Show ends with Lioness and the SSU commanding various GAEA suits to essentially "pucker up, Buttercup!"

Overall this was really great with the emphasis on the youngsters in the opener and the semifinal... dunno what the schoolgirls back in '85 would've had to say about the main event, but it had its moments.  Get this one.
 

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#New Japan Pro-Wrestling TV
(by REV RAY DUFFY!)
The show opens with clips from the 3/12 WAR show with Tenryu and I think Nakamaki v. Onita and I think Araya which Tenryu wins by pinning Araya.  Post match , Onita gives a speech about the Tokyo Dome.  I dunno if it's an upcoming match or if it's a model he's building for art class.  An announcer comes over and talks to Onita.  He asks him to do some integrals and Onita gets all pissed because he didn't study that chapter, so he threatens to get all geometric on the guys ass.

Yuji Nagata/Kazou Yamazaki vs. Kenji Mutoh/Satoshi Kojima (JIP):
Nagata is getting beat on by Mutoh and Kojima.  Yuji rallies with some kicks on Kojima and tags to Yamazaki who decides to play kick the punk.  Mutoh tags in and Yamazaki dominates him until he runs the ropes and hits a Kojima knee.  Kojima sets up Yamazaki for the Mutoh handspring elbow, but Yamazaki catches Mutoh coming in and answers with a wakigatime.  Mutoh escapes, both guys trade dragon screws before they switch off to their partners, with Kojima dominating with a lariat and his corner elbow smash/elbow drop.  Yuji gets out a northern lights on Kojima and an exploder for Mutoh before getting another two with a German suplex.  Kojima  fights out of a German suplex with a Kojima cutter.  Kojima sets up for his triple lariat finisher (which I hate because the guy has to stagger around and take 3 hits before being dropped).  Yuji breaks the third lariat with an overhead belly to belly, but Koji recovers and catches Yuji with a lariat to score the win.  I wasn't big on the finish.

Don Frye vs. Tatsumi Fujinami:
Don, being the All-American Super Dick Heel, attacks before the bell, resulting in Brian Johnston hitting the ring and attacking Don before the match starts.  This is pretty fun as Don Frye, a former UFC champion has to sell being in trouble for "The Dinosaur" Fujinami for like 7 minutes.  And it's not like Don spent 6 minutes of the fight looking for a vendor to bring him a beer or anything.  Don wins with the cross armbreaker and won't break, so Johnston goes after him again until they're seperated.  And as a special treat for all the LAAAAADDIESS... Don moons Fujinami and Johnston and half the arena.  Post match, Mutoh's interviewed about his up coming match with Frye.

Masahiro Chono/ AKIRA/ NWO Sting vs. Manabu Nakanishi/ Kensuke Sasaki/ Shiro Koshinaka:
This is Chono's new splinter group he formed since Mutoh took over nWo Japan.  AKIRA is Akira Nogami.  He's dyed his hair blond, has shiney pants and looks like he stole the Robin face mask from  “Batman & Robin”.  AKIRA plays whipping boy for a little bit as he takes a Sasake back suplex spiked by a Nakanishi diving neckbreaker drop. Eventually, Nakanishi gets in trouble and takes a tope from AKIRA and gets worked over by Chono to set up the STF.  Chono's team works a spot where Sting does the Stinger Splash, whip into the Chono Yakuza kick and followed by a Nogami top rope splash. This seemed to be pretty good from what was shown.  AKIRA took a crazy bump off of Choshyu Dos Mil's lariat.  Eventually, Chono low blows out of a German suplex attempt and hits the Yakuza kick to score the win over Mr. Hokuto.

Jushin Thunder Lyger vs. Koji Kanemoto (JIP)
Lyger and Koji are on the mat and exchange a few holds.  Koji takes over with a chop off the ropes and hits his turn around somersault senton.  Koji sets up for a top rope rana, but takes too long being a dick and slips off Lyger, resulting in Lyger doing a Hoganesque bicept pose followed by a second rope drop kick.  His offense is shortlifted as he runs into a Koji frankensteiner. They fight over a suplex near the ropes which ends in Koji getting suplexed to the floor. Followed by Lyger German suplexing Koji on the floor and shotaying him over the ringside railing.  This resulted in Koji crawling back into the ring at the count of 19. Lyger tries to charge him, Koji hits him with an overhead belly to belly and follows it up with a second. Koji sets up for the kill, but again plays to the crowd, which costs him as he runs into another shotay.  But with Lyger stunned, Koji takes him down into a knee lock, working on the leg which is bothering Lyger.  Lyger fights to get the ropes, but falls short once, but makes it on the second go.  He recovers and hits a brainbuster and diving headbutt for a two.  Lyger goes for a powerbomb, Koji slips out and throws on a knee/ankle lock hold again, going as far to bite Lyger's foot while putting the hold on as Lyger fights to make it to the ropes.  Koji hits Lyger with a knee in the corner and a back kick to the leg before hitting the top rope powerslam. Koji immediately goes to another ankle lock which Lyger again rope saves out of.  Koji goes for the moonsault and finds nothing but knees.  Lyger then hits  a shotay to the body and starts working on Koji's stomach with strikes and then drops him across the top rope with a front suplex.  Running Lygerbomb gets kicked out of at 2 as does a regular Lygerbomb. Lyger hits the top rope brainbuster, but can't follow up with a quick pin as his knee is bothering him.  Of course, Koji decides to hulk up, Lyger hits him with a shotay to the back of the head and ends up with both guys hitting simulataneous strikes until Koji hits the Tiger Suplex for two.  Koji hits his moonsault into a senton and a regular moonsault.  OK aside from the dumb ass no sell near the end.  Plus I would have liked to have seen the working towards the leg submission actually get the win, but otherwise, this was pretty ok from what was shown.

*(*(*(*(*(*(*(* BATTLARTS BATTLE STATION-3/1999
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Mohammed Yone vs. Takashi Hijakata:
Clipped to basically nothing, the only thing worth noting is that Hijikata does a nice Dangerous Backdrop and that Hijikata picked up the Greg “the Hammer” Valentine facefirst flop when the wily Mid-Atlantic veteran was hanging around for the B Cup.

Takeshi Ono/ MACH Junji vs. Azteca/ Daiyu Kawauchi:
Azteca and Kawauchi are floating random sleazoid Japanese Indie wrestlers who seems to be quite proficient and a-okay in the ring.  Azteca has this wacky outfit and does a nice... HEY!! That’s not all, is it?  YOU GO TO HELL SAMURAI-TV! Never mind.

Yuki Ishikawa/ Ikuto Hidaka vs. Minoru Tanaka/ Minoru Fujita:
Hidaka and Fujita go hogwild on the mat as they hit all these neato rolling submissions as they both go all gleefully carny.  The great Minoru Tanaka stays out of the young punks’ way but he does hit some wacky highflying to keep the match moving.  Ishikawa sells a bunch for Fujita but it bogs down into sloppiness for the rest of the six minutes that are shown.  Tanaka letting the little guys get the spotlight is fine in theory and Ishikawa selling for a little guy is good, but there is a speed and style conflict that Tanaka could bridge better than Best-Malenko-disciple Ishikawa can at this point.  Worth it just for the first mat section as Morton gives Gibson WHAT FOR!  Plus the added attraction of Minoru Tanaka’s comical silver pants.  Actually, Fujita hits a Rolling Cradle to negate the coolness of the comical silver pants.

Tiger Mask IV/ Alexander Otsuka vs. Katsuki Usuda/ Diasuka Ikeda:
Another in a long line of really great Festivals Of Hellish Stiffness as BattlARTS serves up the coolness as they hopefully are positioning for a bloodcurdling feud between SuperAssStomper Usuda vs the Amazingly and Suddenly Deadly Otsuka- as they really look great together punching each other right in the muthafrickin face.  TM4 has come a long way from being the whipping boy for Ikeda and Ono in that most harrowing ass-kicking you will ever see last year.  Here, he is REALLY getting the shit beaten out of him by 24-7 KINGS of Beating The Hell Out Of Folks- Ikeda and Usuda- but the difference now is that TM4 gets in a lot more offense and actually looks all tough and shit trading kicks and punches right in the face with Ikeda and Usuda.  Usuda has a weird role in this match as he sells an extended ass-stomp as Otsuka moves closer and closer to total awesomeness as he suplexes the living fuck out of both BattlARTS elder statesmen- but REALLY concentrates on killing the hell out of Usuda so that TM4 can do the SWANK spinning heel kick to the face, that Usuda takes like a MAN.  Otsuka’s freaky matwork and headbreaking suplexes match up well with Usuda’s overall superior brawling but there are some real nice sections where Usuda and TM4 trade submissions between beating the hell out of each other.  This GOES BROADWAY! and all who love wrestling stand with mouth agape.  Kinda baffling that Usuda and Ikeda don’t kill the little punk TM4 since he’s RIGHT THERE but BattlARTS is all about elevating the youngsters and the Otsuka push has been nigh perfect if you throw out the Road Warriors crap.  Otsuka DOESN’T hit a brainsmashin Released dragon Suplex but he DOES hit a Giant Swing- so this was actually only so good.  TM4 looked great in this though.

Minoru Fujita vs. Takashi Hijikata:
Hijikata is the odd man out.  He’s gained some weight and looks to be developing into a BattlARTS-style heavyweight like Mohammed Yone is, but he isn’t far enough along to get a push.  His classmates are these fast highflying little guys and Fujita works circles around him in this.  Hijikata hits some swanky suplexes but Fujita does the freaked-out submissions that’ll warm your heart and send those checks to Jeff Lynch.  Clipped to fudge.

Azteca vs. Daiyu Kawauchi:
Azteca and Kawauchi are floating random sleazoid Japanese Indie wrestlers who seems to be quite proficient and a-okay in the ring.  Azteca has this wacky outfit and does a nice pescado and a Fisherman Buster that’s pretty...HEY!! That’s not all, is it?  YOU GO TO HELL SAMURAI-TV! Never mind.

Tiger Mask IV/ Ikuto Hidaka vs. Takshi Ono/ Mach Junji:
Hey!  It’s evil MACH Junji again! WOO-HOO!  Hidaka is his former morally upright doppelganger but now MACH’s
wearin’ pink, frenchin’ girls, pootin’ out loud, flippin’ off the press, and has developed a hairstyle so hideous that he can now hang around Takeshi Ono and Masao Orihara. Hidaka is suddenly Number One on my Most Improved List as he makes shootstyle waaaaay more fun than it should ever be- as he channels Dos Caras, Satanico, Rey Misterio Jr, Volk Han and Yuki Kondo simultaneously as he has the super lucha matwork-cum-shootstyle matwork-cum- puroresu highflying freakout and it rules.  The highlights included a Springboard Elbow that Hidaka opts to turn into a big flippy kick to the face. He also hits a cool Double Arm Belly-to-Belly Suplex Floatover Into A Rear-Naked Choke that rocked like a little weird Japanese guy applying an unlikely and elaborate submission hold.  The psychology o’the match is the basic story of the older guys beating on the younger guys on each respective team as TM4 beats the living hell out of MACH! and then Ono beats the living hell out of cool-ass Hidaka.  Finally, Hidaka and Junji end up together where all the aforementioned cool stuff is hit by Hidaka to set up TM4 beating the hell out of everyone and then they all kick each other in the face a whole bunch until TM4 gets a Crossface Chickenwing for the DUKE!  (MACH~! Junji hits the diving Groin-hurter off the toprope onto Hidaka for quite the parenthetical highlight as Junji begins gathering the points to challenge Nobunaga’s Throne Of Penis down the road.) Fun! Fun! Fun!

Tetsuhiro Kuroda!/ Yoshinari Sasaki vs. Mohammed Yone/ Katsuki Usuda:
WHIP ASS! Kuroda ROCKS!  Sasaki is a Sumo guy that wrestles in FMW and he’s actually not bad at all- though he does have any eerie resemblance to some sort of Big Van Vader and Aja Kong demonic hellchild.  Yone- beaten into my heart in an earlier review- and Usuda plus Kuroda should guarantee fine, quality wrestling viewing either way.  It’s a pretty cool straightforward story of the two camps wrestling the predominant style of their given promotion- thus Kuroda and Sasaki bludgeon Yone and Usuda with lariats and assorted traditional Pro Style moves while the BattlART contingent go for the freaked out submissions and stiff kicks to the face that make their brand of Pro Style so frickin’ great. The key to the match is that Kuroda and Sasaki sell the submission like kings while at the same time Yone and Usuda go traditional pro style just as well so there is a lot stylistic ground covered in a very simple match.  Kuroda and Sasaki are actually a really good tag team, in that Sasaki does all the big powermoves and makes hellishly hurty looking saves and Kuroda makes with all the finesse and subtle selling to go along with his own All Japany MOVESET!  Yone vs Kuroda is something worth pursuing because they compliment each other well- in that Yone’s offense is pretty reliant on big Pro Style finishers that aren’t suplexes- weird powerbombs, lariats, Assorted Hayabusacana- while Kuroda is big on cool lowgrade suplexes and is very lariat intensive- a sort of overly Pro Style Diasuke Ikeda.  There is a lot of shared ground and that made the best parts of the match.  Kuroda with a zillion Shortarm Lariats on Yone.

Alexander Otsuka/ Diasuke Ikeda vs. Yuki Ishikawa/ Minoru Tanaka:
This one was preposterously clipped but the neat-o-ness still shone through.  I’m guessing they cut the beginning part where it appears Ikeda and Ishikawa were basically finishing up killing each other.  After a ham-fisted SamuraiTV! edit, Otsuka does a bunch of goofy moves (headbutt into the corner, Counterbalance Broncobuster, GIANT SWING!) that he finishes off with the Super SWANK Deadlift German Suplex right onto Tanaka’s scrawny neck.  I love BattlARTS because the Suplex is a knockout attempt so Tanaka has eight seconds to sell it, thus it added to the rich tapestry of the psychology of the match and shit.  Minoru Tanaka starts in on the second half of the match by trying break off Otsuka’s arm and beating him with- as he counters out of an attempted Released Dragon Suplex into a Triangle Hold.  Ishikawa tags in after the Ikeda save and they crimp his arm for a while and apply various Octopus Holds.  Ishikawa starts the I Hate Giant Swings Suplex Train a-rollin’ as he hits a Dangerous Backdrop and tags out to set up Tanaka hitting a nasty as fuck German that he follows up with a BEAUTIFUL NLSFOICAB which Ikeda makes the save on.  Otsuka finally gets out of trouble by hitting a horrendously hurty Cradle Suplex right on Tanaka’s scrawny neck and collapses into the corner to get the tag. Tanaka and Ikeda share fabulous kicks, Ikeda hits a big Lariat AND THAT’S IT!! WHAT THE FUCK!  Samurai TV upsets me with their editing of BattlARTS main events!  This still rocked. I think you know what to do when it comes to getting BattlARTS.

%&%&%&%% AJ CLASSICS ON SAMURAI! (12/84 ---> 3/85-ish)
(by POGO PETE STEIN!)
As we are about to see, 90s WAR has NOTHING on 70s-80s All Japan WRT being the Island of Misfit Wrestlers.

JERRY LAWLER/ JIMMY VALIANT vs. THE GREAT KABUKI/ TAKASHI ISHIKAWA (2/5/85):
And you thought I was kidding!  This is billed as the Oriental Cup final- IIRC this was just a one-match tourney so Lawler could swing himself some international exposure for the yokels back in Memphis.  Lawler works most of the match while Valiant hangs around the apron in his "FM 100 MEANS MUSIC" tights (Naimark: "PLAY 'FREEBIRD'!!!") and mugs more shamelessly than Haruka Eigen, El Brazo and Super Porky put together.  Kabuki's in his mid-30s and feeling frisky- guess what, he still ain't good.  Ishikawa still looks the same and still has the personality of grocery store-brand cottage cheese.  Japanese team lets the Americans hit some token offense before Ishikawa hits a shoulder-block on Valiant and slaps the Scorpion on him for the submission in... ah hell, it was short.  Now Lawler can go back home and tell Lance Russell how he hit the piledriver and had the match won when from out of nowhere a squadron of sumo ninja robots hit the ring and threw poison-tipped, nuclear warhead-armed shuriken at him while the evil Jap ref looked on in slant-eyed, buck-toothed glee.  BTW, ref Kyohei Wada (now AJ's chief official) looks hysterical wearing the sub-Jackie Sato perm.

PIRATA MORGAN vs. TIGER MASK (12/8/84):
I think I just caught a cold from the sudden change in temperature here. ;)  Morgan was just the 80's Lucha MACHINE,
hitting a sweet tope and doing a .9 Jerry Bump but also supplying the stiffness with some loud shoulderblocks on Tigersawa in the corner.  The crowd's so into him that he's actually more over than TM, and they're going bonkers as he kicks out of everything in sight before TM finally puts him away with the Tiger Suplex at around 7 minutes or so. This needed to go about 40 minutes longer, but it may have been the best "AJ Super Astros" match ever.  Match receives bonus points for Morgan getting helped to the dressing room by THE MONSTER MENG back when he was still THE ANONYMOUS SECOND.

GIANT BABA/ MIGHTY INOUE/ TAKASHI ISHIKAWA vs. RUSHER KIMURA/ RYUMA GO/ GORO TSURUMI (3/9/85):
*sniffle*  All six guys attack each other with the flowers they got from the LADIEEEEEES before the intros, and for the rest of the match you've got flower petals flying all over the joint every time someone takes a bump on the mat.  This is actually kinda fun as all six guys haven't quite reached codger status yet and still have some spring to their step, and there's an issue going on so there's lots of heat.  Go in particular is a riot with his Ligeresque mane.  I guess short matches were the order of the day back around that time, as Baba's team takes it in less than 10 minutes when Ishikawa uses his Scorpion again on Go for the submission... and there's something funny seeing All Japan use Sumo Hall as its "big show" venue.

THE FUNKS vs. BRUISER BRODY/STAN HANSEN (12/8/84):
This is part of the '84 Tag League, and it's cool as hell because this is the first time I've seen them work a match that isn't an insane, quad-juice brawl.  Brody and Hansen are just awesome here, with Brody pulling off these GIGANTIC dropkicks and getting huge hang-time just taking snapmares, and Hansen connecting with some Jason Elam 63-yard kicks on Terry.  Later on Brody gives Dory a backbreaker onto his knee, then holds him there so Hansen can come off the ropes and embed the word "MCDAVID" into Dory's chest by way of his kneepad.  Of course there's no way in the world these four could have a clean finish back in '84, as Joe Higuchi gets bumped and Brody and Hansen use a table to work over Dory's back.  They toss Dory back in and drag Joe inside so he can count the pin, but Terry grabs Brody's chain; Joe tries to take it away from Terry, who loses it and headbutts Joe. Four-way brawl follows and the match gets thrown out around the 17-minute mark.  NO JUICE!  I can't stress this enough, even with tables and chains flying all over the place at the end!  More "Spot the Seconds" fun: Terry has to be restrained from chasing Brody and Hansen to the back by Kawada, who got to borrow Unka Shohei's Caddy for his hot date with that Keiko Nakano babe from AJW after the show in exchange for helping out with those nasty Texans after their match.

ANIMAL HAMAGUCHI/ KUNIAKI KOBAYASHI vs. DAVEY BOY SMITH/DYNAMITE KID (2/5/85):
More weirdness, as Tiger Hattori is the ref for this one. Kobayashi was pretty flashy backinnaday with some cool spin kicks, but Dynamite was the fucking KING of the juniors.  It's pretty funny how blatantly Benoit borrows from Kid's rep- not a knock on Benoit at all, but the similarities are uncanny at times, especially in mannerisms.  Animal and DBS are more-or-less just there, although DBS pulls off a neat little move where Kobayashi tries to whip him to the ropes, but DBS pulls Kobayashi with him and hits a short-arm clothesline in the ropes.  Later Animal does a Samoan Drop on Kid that looks really good in that Animal doesn't just fall back but actually leaps in the air while Kid is still on his shoulders; Animal was a legit powerhouse for his size IIRC, winning all kinds of weightlifting titles.  This gets fearlessly booked to a DCOR after DBS dropkicks both Animal and Kid to the floor after Animal slaps an airplane spin on Kid; Kobayashi then sends DBS outside and hits a tope for the DCOR.

HARLEY RACE/ KLAUS BARAS(?) vs. KILLER KHAN/ MASANOBU KURISU (3/9/85):
Funny seeing Harley get the huge babyface pop for his intro, but someone out there has to hip me to the identity of his partner.  Burly guy with long, dirty blond hair. Kurisu and Khan try to use headbutts on Harley, but "Mr. Puroresu" has his Afroturf for protection!  Harley takes the match with his HALF-HOUR VERTICAL SUPLEX OF CRIPPLING AGONY on Kurisu, which is too funny for words considering that you can drop a guy on his head now and still not get the three-count with it.  Oh, and Khan never retired- he just grew some hair and changed his name to Tadao Yasuda.;)

TIGER MASK vs. KUNIAKI KOBAYASHI (3/9/85):
Fun match in a "Super Astros" kind of way- it's even laid out the same way as both guys hit dives right at the beginning of the match, then they head back into the ring and work their way from there.  Another DCOR here, as TM suplexes Kobayashi to the floor only for Kobayashi to hold on to him and they both get counted out on the floor.  I'd go into more depth, but the temperature just hit 97 degrees in NYC and I've got a cool bath waiting.  It was good, I promise.

PWF HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE- GIANT BABA vs. TIGER JEET SINGH (2/5/85):
Well, THIS is a fine how-do-you-do... here I am about to jump in the tub, and Singh proceeds to confound me by going out and having an honest-to-gosh WRESTLING MATCH with Baba.  Match is slow to start (slight pause so the DVDVR readers can all yell "Well, DUH!" at me), as Baba works over Singh's arm with Gianto Wakigatames.  Singh gets some offense in and breaks clean every time Baba gets to the ropes, drawing ooooohs and ahhhhhhs from the crowd- they're clearly waiting for the other shoe to drop here, and their patience is rewarded as Singh nuts Baba, picks him up(!) for a fireman's carry and slaps on a cross-armbreaker.  Baba gets a rope-break, at which point Singh goes into his tights for something, hits Baba with it and spends the next few minutes playing "Hide The Object" with Joe Higuchi.  Singh stays in control for the balance of the match, eventually using his Cobra Claw on Baba, but Baba comes back by hitting a headbutt and a piledriver.  He then slaps on an abdominal stretch and Singh submits (holy crap!), so Baba retains the PWF title clean.  Rusher Kimura runs in post-haste, which allows Singh to grab his sword and work over Baba some while Rusher gets on THE STICK and talks about how the IWE boys REALLY drew the house at that Budokan show back in '79.  Shockingly un-horrible match, as Singh was perky and the psychology was good.

As far as the Samurai! classic shows go, this one's pretty good.  Worth getting just for the Funks match alone, but the juniors are also good here and even Baba's cronies are entertaining in their own way.  Worth a shot for you retro types.
 

)+)+)+)+)+)+)+)+) MICHINOKU PRO BATTLE STATION! on SAMURAI! TV- 3/99.
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN!)

Chaparita ASARI vs. Saya Endo:
I think it’s Saya.  There are three Endo’s I know of and this looks like Saya but she dyed her hair blond.  ASARI is as lowgrade lucha as you remember.  Skytwister Press hits Saya/Mizuki/Nobue’s right on the knees and she sells it as a finisher, so there you go.

Pilota Suicida/ COSMIC SOLDIER!/ Flying Kid Ichihara vs. the Convict/ Sasuke The Great/ AKINORI TSUKIOKA~~!!:
This match was waaaaay fun.  Cosmic Soldier does the greatest Shiryu Tope To NOWHERE ever pulled off by man as he totally overshoots The Convict and flies wildly into the crowd killing everything in his wake.  It looks like he is swallowed up by the ground.  It was wild!  Pilota Suicida is much maligned usually but he is quite a-okay here, as he hits his low-end lucha highspots and keeps the actual match together when he is in.  I heard he is Super Boy’s brother (and Super Boy is the Convict) and he and the Convict have a quite average lucha exchange with Pilota blowing a rana. Okay, maybe Pilota is quite the Sicodelico to Super Boy’s Dos Caras.  TSUKIOKA~! has new bad pants and new bad hair so he doesn’t look like a BattlARTS trainee refugee anymore and he is all about wacky highspots in this as he FREAKS OUT and does the cool-ass Apron Moonsault onto Flying Kid Ichihara while the kid is coated in chairs- ALL as a harbinger for the amazing SWANKNESS of the fucking CHOICE Ringpost Skytwister Press to the floor which smoked ASARI’s on this same show as AKINORI fearlessly lands right on his head and shoulder all in the pursuit of YOUR entertainment. There is a fabulous Highspot Train where FKI, Sasuke The Great, Pilota and SuperBoy do deulling Asai Moonsaults that set up the fricking VICIOUS tope by the already ruling it Cosmic Soldier.  Outside of the fabulous highspots, Super Boy rules the roost with his great, great in-ring lucha stylings- hitting the corner Quebrada and the Phatter-Than-Phat Senton that makes a real wrestling fan weep in awe and love.  TSUKIOKA~! supplies the finish as he kills FKI with another Moonsault- this one contained in the ring- on a chair draped about the Kid after hitting the most cool-as-shit Memphis Piledriver on the pathetic-but-lovable Flying Kid.  Sasuke The Great accidentally crushes Akinori’s tiny skull with a chair to set up Flying Kid Ichihara’s lowgrade Moonsault for the pin.  Dopey unfair ending, but still FUNFUNFUNFUN!

TAKA Michinoku/ Tiger Mask IV/ El Gran Naniwa vs. Great Sasuke/ El Gran Hamada/ Pablo Marquez:
This match is quite the mixed bag as Michinoku Pro pulls itself out of the doldrums of 1998 and starts heating up in 1999 after a few kickstarts.  The story of this match is Tiger Mask IV finally looking really good in Michinoku Pro on his own merits- as he somehow is the most spectacular flyer in a match with the Great Sasuke and TAKA Michinoku.  Here he is centered, masterful, graceful- everything you always figured a Tiger Mask should be.  El Gran Hamada shows no signs of aging as is still tight as a tick- hitting his toprope Stone Cold Stunner.  Pablo Marquez- another good worker in this match trying to recover from the genius of Vince McMahon- is basically a mattress for TAKA to land on and he gets Michinoku Driven II to take this home.  El Gran Naniwa and Sasuke do MP 1998 Unheated Match Of Boredom By Numbers and sleep walk through this and wonder where my friends at the SamuraiTV editing room are.  The spirit of TM4 and Hamada make it watchable, the raw highspots make it watchable, the fact that the other Six-man against CRAZY MAX was a Match Of The Yaar Candidate makes this one less than awe-inspiring.  I dunno.

Alexander Otsuka vs. Jensei Shinzaki:
Alexander Otsuka has had one good match in Michinoku Pro- with Danny Collins, Dick Togo, TM4, Great Sauke and somebody else- way back in 1996 and he does own the title of worst match in MP not involving Jensei Shinzaki, when he wrestled Yone Genjin in what had to the crappiest match in Genjin’s less than stellar career.  Shinzaki owns a couple of Crappiest titles in MP: Worst Match Ever: vs Magic Man, Worst Undertaker Match Ever, Worst Match Involving an actually talented wrestler: vs Shiryu, and the list goes on.  Shinzaki is on a hot streak in FMW and All Japan but hasn’t let it carry over to his MP matches so that all brings us to this. Otsuka poised for stardom as he has finally figured out how to be a dangerous, compelling wrestler; Shinzaki working his way out the gargantuan hole he dug for himself sucking ass for three years.  This match is a living allegory to what made Shinzaki suck and what is making him watchable the last year.  This match starts real slow as they take it the mat for eight minutes and it’s pretty decent but this isn’t Ishikawa and Ikeda where you get the big fun of them doing what YOU and IIII would do if taken to the mat- which is to punch each other the entire time while Procuring the Wrestling Holds.  Here Otsuka kinda works on Shinzaki’s leg and Shinzaki kinda counters out for a while until they get to the Goofy Spot Trade Off as Otsuka does a Giant Swing and Shinzaki makes with the stupid ropes walking spot which I fucking hate.  After this worrisome beginning, Otsuka opts to make ME love this match by whipping out the first of a batch of really cool suplexes from both wrestlers.  Shinzaki hits the first of his three cool moves- the Ankle Dragonscrew while Otsuka goes into assorted Half-crab submission holds to take up the middle as they move into the big hurty spot section of the match.  AND THEN they start mixing in this other cool twist as they both start hitting half of their elaborate finishers and countering it with parts of the other’s elaborate finishers.  This all really works because Shinzaki has one of the shittiest finishing sequences as he takes forever to set his bad diving headbutts, his praying powerbomb and his shitty missile dropkick.  Otsuka has the truly harrowing finishing sequence of Released Tiger Suplex to set his Nasty-As-Hell Released Dragon Suplex to set up his Nasty-As-Hell Released Dragon Suplex to set up his Nasty-As-Hell Released Dragon Suplex to set up his Nasty-As-Hell Released Dragon Suplex.  So when the first shitty diving headbutt sets up the shitty Shinzaki Stuff Powerbomb, Otsuka hits his warm-up to his finishing sequence- the Deadlift German Suplex Right Onto The Top Of Your Head.  Shinzaki throws in the twist of using his SWANK Straightjacket Camel Clutch which is what he uses en lieu of his shitty finishing sequence when wrestling FMW or All Japan- but would have disrupted the story of this match, but it was cool that he alluded to it, even if it was rope broken after a forty-five seconds or so. Otsuka escapes the SJCC and hits another frickin’ HIDEOUS Deadlift Powerbomb and then makes with the Super hurty Released Dragon for a two.  Shinzaki sells it like a king and Otsuka is still recovering from the first half of Shinzaki’s cavalcade of finishers and the added bonus Camel Clutch so Shinzaki has the gumption to counter the second Dragon and hit a truly Mindbashing Backdrop Driver to buy himself some time.  Otsuka finally gets back to his feet and hits his second Released Dragon but doesn’t have enough in the tank to make it over for the cover.  After an eight count, Otsuka hits a Northern Lights Bomb that looked like it should have separated Shinzaki’s shoulder and gets the THIRD Released Dragon Suplex but he is all out gas and they take another Eight count to get to their feet.  Shinzaki hits a desperate final transition by hitting a Lariat and then finally finishes his finishing sequence with a Praying Powerbomb and the big Black Tiger Driver for the pin at 34 minutes in.  This was real good by the end.  I wish the beginning wasn’t so goofy and stupid but the goodness of the last twenty minutes of the match more than covered up for it.  I liked how Shinzaki used a tired way of wrestling matches- a way that he wisely abandoned when putting together the real MOTY Candidate with Mr Gannesuke in FMW and in all of his other non-MP matches- and finally found someone who could make it work into an interesting story.  Otsuka’s youthful brutality kicks the bad Shinzaki match into gear as it takes apart the components of his finishing sequence and matches it with hellish bonecrushing suplexes- thus Shinzaki looks resilient and the insertion of the cool new moves by Shinzaki (the Straightjacket Camel Clutch, the Somersault Heelkick and the Ankle Dragonscrew) are dangerous complements that make his lame finishers look adequate to get the pin.  Otsuka’s selling also helped his own cause as he replaced the BattlARTS idea of the Suplex as Knockout and thus the extended eight count to recover from the throw (as opposed to the eternal and psychologically unsound endless procession of kickouts) with his own selling of Shinzaki’s bigger moves as a cause for his own inability not to make the cover and thus allowing Shinzaki time to sell AND recover.  A nice bit of wrestling here. Otsuka’s Michinoku Pro Crappy Match losing streak ends here.

The final match and the Japan Indie Highspot Rally is SO worth the price of admission. Go ahead and get this momma.

&*&*&*&*&*& WRESTLING*INTERNATIONAL NEW GENERATION 6/4/95: THE CURSE OF THE BARBED-WIRE BAT (COMM TAPE)
(by POGO PETE STEIN!)
Not the original incarnation or the FMW edition... this is Mickey Ibaragi's "Restart" promotion, and it's apparently taking place in a grade-school gymnasium since Ibaragi burned all of the reputable buildings in Tokyo at one point or another.  Looks like no one would give him a halfway decent ring either, as this is the scuzziest ring I've ever seen... there's old blood spatters all over the mat, and no one appears to pick up on the fact that the apron isn't even on the ring all the way around.  This one's quite the curio tape, for reasons about to be explained.

MINI ESTRELLAS SPECIAL MATCH- DAMIANCITO vs. CICLONCITO RAMIREZ:
The former Damiancito El Guerrero gets to work the infinitely cooler Damian 666 gimmick, as even by typical Mexican standards he totally dwarves his "maxi," EMLL's worthless Damian El Guerrero.  What this means is that 'Cito wears the "666" facepaint and intros himself by strolling out of the locker-room singing "La Bamba" before getting "startled" by the cameraman, at which point he talks up EMLL and W*ING before wrapping things up with Lucha Pose #8 (staring off to the side, hand extended).  Match itself rocks the house (which is as tiny as they themselves are =P), as 'Cito gets the Damian schtick in by doing Shinzaki's "praying ropewalk" before Ramirez pulls his arm away and Cito does a Sailor Moon-esque faceplant.  Later Ramirez sends 'Cito to the floor and follows with his Federally-mandated "insane Ramirez tope" which sends them both into something like 50 empty chairs at ringside.  Ramirez tries to do a Toyota Roll, but 'Cito catches him and reverses into a Liger Bomb in a hot spot.  Ramirez comes back to win after 'Cito tosses him into the air, at which point he comes back down with a high-speed Frankenstein for the pin at 9:57.  Apparently Mickey hired the same folks who edited the FMW videos, so this gets clipped down to about 2 minutes.  Grrr...

AIR WINGER vs. MR. NIEBLA:
Hey now!  Niebla was already quite the budding superstar even a year or so away from becoming an Arena Mexico regular.  Air Winger's greener than a Tijuana opening-match wrestler but he does some cool spots like a double-backflip into a dropkick on Niebla.  Both guys trade Fiera dives before Niebla drops Winger and hits a beautiful moonsault for the pin at 8:19.

DOG-COLLAR CHAIN DEATH MATCH- RYU MIYAKE vs. PITBULL BUSTER:
It's Pitbull #2 vs. Tarzan Scroto's top scrotege.  Buster:  "I'm one of the best chain wrestlers in the world!"  Slight pause while Lorefice, JDW, Idol and Kunze howl with laughter at the irony of this line.  Buster squashes the scrotege to within an inch of his life, finally ending the proceedings with a sub-Cibernetico elbowdrop and a SICK powerbomb for the pin at 9:55.

SINGAPORE CANE STICK DEATH MATCH- SANDMAN vs. JASON KNIGHT:
Yikes and away... where to start?  Jason cuts a long promo talking about how he felt envy at seeing Sandman with Woman, so he's going to win the ECW title tonight, come back to the States and "enter the Pleasure Zone" with her... and THEN he's gonna set his sights even higher.  That's right- the W*ING Junior Heavyweight title.  Sandman then blows the GoofyMeter COMPLETELY off its hinges by talking about how he grew up watching Inoki, Baba, and ULTRAMAN matches- and to prove it, he's got a little Ultraman statue with him.  "Who cares if I smoke a cigarette?  Who cares if I drink a Sapporo?"  Match proper is nothing to speak of until Jason sets the Ultraman doll up in the ring and tries to cane it... so Sandman dives halfway across the ring and "sacrifices himself" to save the doll.  Jason juices Sander, who comes back by rolling Jason up and pulling his tights down so Jason can do Metal Maniac's "walk around for several minutes with your ass exposed" schtick, BROTHER!  Sandman comes back after Jason misses a springboard legdrop with the Ultraman doll, and juices Jason with the cane.  He drops Jason with a DDT, grabs Ultraman, yells "HAYATE!" and hits his old "Bitchin' Legdrop" finisher for the pin at 8:54. The GoofyMeter gets put out of its misery with one last bullet to the temple as Sandman cuts a promo on the Japanese magazines while they play an ETHEL MERMAN song over the proceedings.  TOO WEIRD FOR WORDS.

LUCHA LIBRE MIXED MATCH- DAMIANCITO/ MR. NIEBLA vs. CICLONCITO RAMIREZ/ AIR WINGER:
They work the best Kendo "spin and hop" spot I've seen since the FMW 5/5/93 show, so this automatically becomes a great tape.  Damiancito is the pint-sized maestro, hitting a wicked spin kick in the corner on Ramirez and later hitting a huge flip dive (El Drive-By) to the floor on everyone.  They eventually give up on the pairings and work a straight tag match with the maxis taking on the minis and so forth. Niebla sends Winger to the floor, does his awesome hands-free mortal fakeout, steps to the apron and hits a sweet cross-body on Winger, leaving 'Cito to wrap things up by forcing Ramirez to tap at 7:03 to a luchistically improbable submission hold... then he throws the Inoki "ichi ni san DAHHHHH!" pose in for good measure.  Great action here... and the fans were so hot for it that you could hear cameras rewinding in the crowd. D'OHH!

THREE-WAY SCRAMBLE BUNKHOUSE DEATH MATCH!: JASON THE TERRIBLE vs. GRAVE DIGGER vs. BOOGIE MAN:
Jason delivers the most hilariously awful promo this side of early 90's Windy City Wrestling at the beginning of the tape to hype this match up.  "Baseball and barbed-wire... juss by isself, iss a dangerous weapon.  Together- LETHAL!... Scramble Bunkhouse Death Match!  Bat Barbed-Wire Death Match Bat!  Iss incredible... this <garbled> could be more... lethal- DANGEROUS! But ihhas to be this way."  Folks, it just doesn't get any better than Jason the Terrible waxing philosophic.  Boogie Man IIRC is J.T. Smith wearing a jumpsuit and a $5 Michael Myers mask.  Grave Digger I have no clue on.  First several minutes is LITERALLY nothing but one guy walking around with the bat until a second rushes in and attacks him so the third guy gets it away.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  HEY!  They're walkin', yes indeed. And they're awful, Digger and J.T.  And I'm hopin' that this W*ING will cease to be. Having run that into the ground, on with the match.  =P  Jason does his trademark "ooey gooey blade-job" after Digger rips off his hockey mask and shreds his face with the bat. All three guys actually do a dive, with Jason topping the others by hitting the Bloodiest Asai Moonsault in The History of Our Great Sport onto them.  Jason gets double-teamed, but Boogie Man accidentally sends Digger to the floor with a bat shot and Jason chokes him out with the bat at 16:27.  He continues to choke Boogie Man out until Digger gives him a chairshot.  DDT onto a chair follows, and Digger chokes Jason out with the bat until the ref stops the match at 20:57.  He continues to work Jason over with the bat as Jason Knight and Pitbull 2 come out to help him, but Sandman makes the save and he and Jason shake hands after doing the "misunderstanding" bit.  This shocking turn of events led to a lucrative series of houses for the reborn W*ING as-- oh wait, they went under and Jason went back to FMW.

This may be the strangest tape I have.  Some good stuff in the lucha matches, some bad stuff in the garbage matches and the Roger Corman-booked main event, and some truly WEIRD stuff in the Sandman match.  Your mileage WILL vary on this one, guaranteed.
 

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NEXT WEEK:  GEEZ LOOWEEZ!  ISSUE 100!  WHAT THE FUDGE?!?
******************************************************************
We are DVD HOLLENDAISE- THREE FISTS IN THE FACE OF WRESTLING.

"I’ve done all I can do- To get along with you- still your not satisfied. Ruby. Ruby. Honey are you mad at your man? If you don’t believe I’m right- then follow me tonight- I’ll take you to my shanty so cold..."
- BUCK Motherfucking OWENS (written by C. Emmy)
 

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