WE ARE DVD HOLLENDAISE- yet still three MORE oily men taking Schneider’s mom to the mat.

We got the metric ton of tapes from Lorefice which included SWANKY WAR Commercial Tape so we decided to put Pogo Pete in the WAR barrel this month- BUT THEN Pogo Pete says that he hadn’t found it in the wad of tapes I sent him so he offered to do the Bass-arifically horrendous Neo Ladies Commercial tape- which actually is the least he could since the little creep called dibs on the TORYMON before anyone else could.  I’ll gleefully hop in the WAR barrel EN LIEU and you- the tender reader- can await the Tachihakari worship that must SURELY ensue.  Ray goes deeply into Joshi Puroresu because that’s always good for a couple frothing posts from Toyota-luvvin YAHOO! bed-wetters and- HELL!- we’re all into comical discourse here in cyberspace. I’m tackling some FMW (as is REV RAY) and hopefully I won’t misspell anything so as to trigger paranoid psychotic dateless internet freaks into referring to ME as a measurement of feculence.  Anyway here’s the MAN they CALL Rev Ray.....

@#@#@#@#@#@ ALL JAPAN WOMEN- ATHENA  - The Spirit of Women's Sports January 1999
(by REV RAY)
Hey, for those of you who are real trivia buffs, here's some useless info for you: ATHENA breaks down into Artistic Technical Healthy Energetic Natural Active.  Write this down, it might be one of Naimark's trivia questions one week, but he'll screw up the contest so you won't get that tape of two brazillian guys jamming sticks up each others
butts.

It looks like they've either got a new set or their studio is being fumigated as the crew is in what resembles a sound studio.  Everyone's having tea and oranges.

Clips from 12/26/98
Kyoko Inoue/Mima Shimoda/Etsuko Mita vs. Takako Inoue/Manami Toyota/Yumiko Hotta
This starts out with Takako wanting to face off against her old partner, who blows her off as she wants a piece of Hotta or Toyota. Takako DDTs her and Kyoko completely no sells her.  It doesn't take long for this one to break down as the Neo gals start with a triple stomp down on Hotta followed by the AJW returning the favor and it turning into a brawl on the floor.  Jump back to the ring, Manami does what she does best - screams and completely no sells a top rope drop kick. Takako wears a lavender outfit which I am so not digging.  This is cut up a bunch.  Toyota and Hotta play "I bet you can't kick Mita's boobs onto her back" with each doing the camel clutch/kick to the chest bit.  They show about a million clips of near falls with assorted powerbombs.  The LCO hold down Toyota and Takako so Kyoko can put away Hotta with her side fall torture rack powerbomb. Post match, Kyoko gets on the mic and proclaims "My promotion is more financial fucked than yours!" prompting a big brawl as the AJW women feel they're more screwed. Kyoko challenges them to a food stamps on a pole match or something. This ran 19 minutes, maybe 5 minutes was shown.

Kyoko Inoue/Etsuko Mita vs. Yumiko Hotta/Takako Inoue
This is from 1/3/99.  Team Neo jumps at the bell and this is another clip fest.  Hotta totally no sells Kyoko's DDT off
the second rope.  Both teams do their version of cleavage kicking before it goes to the floor where everyone gets involved.  Mima introduces Toyota's head to a fan, gets them to move and then introduces her to the chair.  Nanae Takahashi mixes it up with Misae Genki.  Kyoko DDTs about 8 people on the floor.Tamura does a plancha onto everyone. The ZAPs run out and start hitting all the Neo seconds with kendo sticks.  Wakizawa and Toyota do planchas onto everyone.  The finish has Kyoko running through a few powerbombs as Mita holds off Takako.  Hotta manages to catch Kyoko in a cross armbreaker.  Kyoko makes it to the ropes once, but Hotta drags her to the middle of the
ring and does it again for an immediate tap out.  This was about 12 minutes, but was cut up.  Hotta won't break the hold so we end up with another pull apart.  Hotta, Genki, Takahashi and Kyoko all have words lead to a tag match where both teams put up their first unemployment checks if they lose match.

Hotta/Takahashi vs. Genki/Kyoko - 1/10/99  Neo Ladies Show
Neo's must be really fucked because it looks like it was taped by Rob Fenstein-san.  Genki and Hotta head butt
each other right in the face.  Hotta throws benches at Kyoko.  Kyoko beats Takahashi with a lariat.  This went 19 minutes, this got maybe 3 minutes of air time.  More mic work, this time subtitled.  I think this is leading to winner gets the losers supply of government cheese for the next year or something.

There's a brief focus on "New Heroine" which focuses on some of the rising stars.  All Japan shows clips of Nanae and Momoe, Miho Wakizawa and Kayo Noumi, a JWP girl who I don't know and she probably changed her name anyway,  LLPW's Junko Yagi, J'd's Obbacci- the world's angriest domestic goddess, GAEA's Sakura Hirota and Neo Ladies
Yuka Nakamura.

Highlights of Miho Wakizawa vs. Momoe Nakanishi
There's a whole lot of drop kicks shown in this match, but most of them look really good, so you really can't bitch too
much.  Wakizawa gets control and hits a top rope splash, but then dives into Momoe's legs.  Momoe tries to do the run up the ropes back flip but Miho drop kicks her on the way down.  It didn't look like it hit too clean but it was still pretty insane.  Momoe does a moonsault onto Miho on the floor.  Miho gets a near fall with a victory roll and another
near fall with a fishermanbuster.  Momoe gets the win by reversing an irish whip into a dragon suplex.

Emi Motokawa/Nishibura (IWA Japan) vs. Wakizawa/Noumi
I'm probably killing Nishibura's name but since my cheat sheet site is down, I have no idea how to spell her name.  This is even yet still more clips.  Wakizawa and Noumi get in their camel clutch pose on Emi.  Nishibura pulls out a freaking insane corbata (sort of a swinging rana out of the corner) on Noumi which almost had her swing about 270 degrees.  Wakizawa does her rolling figure four scissor lock sleeper on Emi.  Noami comes in and teases doing it to Emi again, but Nishibura puts the hold on her, so Wakizawa puts it on her.  Wakizawa teases doing the roll through with the whole group but they stop.  Emi and Miho scream at each other a whole bunch.  Miho and Kayo end up retaining as Kayo gets Nishibura with the double wrist arm sault.  19 minutes, but maybe 5 minutes was showed

ZAP T & I vs. Nakanishi/Takahashi - 2 out 3 falls
Momoe does a monster blade job during this.  To the point that as the match goes on, she's got mini-Bull Nakano hair as the blood dries and her hair is standing up.  First fall is pretty much the ZAP kicking the crap out of Momoe.  Momoe continues to get stomped for a bit, but He almost gets the pin with a German suplex which the ZAPs break up by throwing a kendo stick at the ref. Momoe catches one of the ZAP with a dragon suplex to even up the match.  The ZAPs bral though out the building, Momoe gets a plancha in on the ZAPs, but Nanae's attempt back fires.  Momoe and Nanae get in their neat German Suplex/jacknife hold combo. Momoe ends up taking two top rope double stomps before being put away.  This looked like it was a whole lot of Momoe getting her ass kicked.  I dunno if I like the idea of
someone as young as Momoe doing such a monster blade job either.

There's highlight piece on the history of the ZAPs.  I liked their original bug looking masks.  Clips of the ZAPs as studio guests chasing everyone with kendo sticks.  Highlights of the suck queens Shark and Crusher v. the ZAPs from 11/29/98.  Clips of Shark cutting up Momoe in December.  For some weird reason, ZAP T was teamed with Shark
and post match ZAP I went after Shark. -In sort of a news around other leagues segment, they show a recap of the Asuka/Nagoya angle from GAEA.

Hey, Riverdance is coming to Japan... Don't cha dare miss it!

They show clips of Jaguar's retirement match against Devil Masami.  It seems like Jag decided since she was retiring she could take a few death bumps in the course of her last match.  They also show Cutie Suzuki's retirement match.  Man, what did Hikari do to her hair.  Kanako Moyota ends up the beating victim in these clips as she takes the Cutie
Stomp off of Devi's shoulders as she's sitting on the top rope and also gets Splash Mountained by Dynamite (who's the ref mind you) as Cutie Destiny Hammers her.  They do the 10 bell salute and Cutie gets buried in a sea of white streamers.  They also have an interview from Takako Inoue, which I'm guessing is her announcing her going freelance.

There's a video package on a body boarder who I think was one of the people the Pirates interviewed last year as part of their "Searching for the Athena" segment.

Commercials for the 40 years of Women's wrestling and the Miho and Kayo videos. BUY OUR STUFF!

The show pretty much closes out with some hype for the upcoming title defense by Kandori.

This was really too much clips to get a good feel of how good or how bad anything was.

!@!@!@!@!@! GAEA- G-PANIC- 2/99.
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Sweeeeeet GAEA.  Is there anything better?  I’m hardpressed...

TOSHIE UEMATSU vs SUGAR SATO:
This was good but not great, but I’m not totally objective (hahahah!) because I was expecting quite a bit from these two- since Sugar is becoming quite formidable now that she has grown out of Juniordom and into full-blown Russ Meyerdom- and since Uematsu is VASTLY underrated by assorted chumps on the internet.  The psychology of the match is (SURPRISE!) rock-solid as it starts with the smaller Uematsu countering SUGAR’s suddenly ass-stomping power arsenal by taking Sugar to the mat early and often.  Toshie tries to bring it to the air but Sugar no-sells a toprope drop kick (this fucking trend has to stop) but succumbs to Toshie’s German suplexing the hell out of her quickly afterwards. The ending is tres SWANK as Sugar tries beat the hell out of Toshie with her suddenly skull-bending Uricans and PHAT ASS Liger Bombs.  Toshie’s plan is to counter out of the predicament before Sugar can paste her for good, but eventually Sugar starts beating the tar out of her- as she starts hitting Uricans and the crushed Toshie wilts like a hothouse flower.  Toshie- cross-eyed and fiesty as she enters into the realm of total fighting spirit- keeps countering out of Liger Bomb attempts into freaked-out roll-ups as she can’t match strength with the quite Vixen-esque Sugar- but CAN beat her with
quickness.  A dying Uematsu actually rolls through a Liger Bomb and gets the flash pin and thus Sugar freaks out.  This match was executed well.  Toshie and Sugar make a good match up because Toshie is fast and mat-based these days and that makes for a deep psychological- though minor- match with the ass-kicker Sugar.  I think Sugar’s great matches are gonna be against wrestlers who strike as heavily as she does- thus explaining why Sonoko Kato vs Sugar was so fricking great and why Sugar vs Satomura could be the defining match of their generation soon.  You’ll want to see this and you’ll know it’s good, but it won’t bowl you over like Toshie vs Nagashima or Sugar vs Sonoko did.

MEIKO SATOMURA vs CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA:
Meiko Satomura fucking RULES and Nagashima fucking RULES and this match fucking RULES.  The first part of the match is both of these two countering and counter-countering out of suplexes into cross-armbreakers, out of cross-armbreaker variations into Northern Light suplexes etc, etc.  They take it outside and Chikayo slams Satomura into the rail and then suplexes the living crud out of Satomura onto the floor to take the first major offensive transition and take them out of the cool ass mat section. Satomura tries to counter out of Nagashima’s SWANKY version of the Fisherman’s Buster by reversing it into a Death Valley Bomb but her legs are gone from the suplex to the floor and Chikayo wriggles free.  Nagashima backtracks and tries to set up her Fisherman’s Buster with a German Suplex but Satomura counters out with a BOSSS Somersault heel kick that Nagashima takes LIKE A FRICKING QUEEN.  Satomura hits a DVD for two and then goes for the kill with a second DVB but Nagashima counters it into a Cross Armbreaker.  A Nagashima Fisherman Buster later and everyone is dead. Meiko is too her feet first and goes for the DVB but Nagashima counters with a Crucifix Key Lock that she tries to turn into a Hurricanrana when Satomura tries to slam her into the top turnbuckle.  Satomura blocks it and hits the final Death Valley Bomb for the win. This match was a fricking clinic on counters and it is fun, fun, fun to watch.  The comparison to the Sugar/Uematsu match is that this is deeper because Satomura and Nagashima have such PHAT ASS finishers and they can and did base the whole match on
countering into and out of each other finishers.  Meanwhile, in the other match, Sugar was the one with the big finishers in her match and Toshie just had to manuever around them with no real threatening finisher of her own.  This match was just really great.  GAEA youngsters are consistently out BattlARTSing BattlARTS as of late and this was the same brand of psychotically stylized pro-style matwork BattlARTS uses when they garnish it with the shootstyle pay-off when the heel hook or the Cross Armbreaker is finally achieved and fuck knows I’m all over thiat.

MEIKO SATOMURA vs REIKO AMANO
OZ Academy’s shootstyle gal cheats like a CHAMP as they do the cool ass non-break through the ropes of the Cross Arm-breaker. GAEA goes all angle-rama as the Ozettes start hitting Mieko with chairs- post-Amano tope- and defender of the GAEA faith Uematsu starts kicking Nagashima’s ass.  Back in the ring, Meiko sells the arm like a champ and counters Amano throwing her into the ropes by doing a PHAT ASS Somersault Heel Kick that Reiko leans into like a FREAKIN QUEEN.  Satomura goes for the coop de gracie but Amano counters into a Triangle Hold.  Satomura starts suplexing the hell out of Reiko, Oz Academy makes the save and Toshie and Hirota freak out but it’s enough of a distraction for Amano to get the CAB for the win.  Postmatch the fun really starts as Reiko tries to match Sugar and Nagashima’s innate surliness by talking shit to Mieko.  Toshie and Numao lose ALL their shit and start beating Amano’s ass.  After it’s broken up, Satomura says a few words, (I think it was “Jump up my butt, Alfalfa.”) and They go at it again as they Nitro it back to the studio. Oz Academy plus GAEA younsters equal TRUE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT.

They show a lotta clips of Makie Numao who I guess is getting a push after not being seen on GAEA TV for a year and a half practically.  She seems to be wearing a flag of West Germany.  Shiina has a swanky Velour number that is TO DIE FOR.

CHIGUSA/ MAKIE NUMAO vs SUGAR SATO/ CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA
Numao is REALLY not afraid to let Sugar just beat the living hell out of her because she takes four Aja-esque roundhouse backhands right to the face- which I guess was the price for Sugar putting the suddenly reappearing Numao over for her first big win.  Chigusa looks a lot better in the ring these days because there is so much less of a selling credibility gap between the old gals and the young gals as Chigusa was selling everything for Sugar AND Nagashima.  This lack of selling DISSONANCE makes for cooler matches and this was cooler because Chigusa wasn’t just kicking the shit out of youngsters and not selling for them- like Manami Toyota has been guiltyof doing with these same level GAEA younsters.  This was all about the Double team tag moves, the nearfalls, and the premiere of Numao’s finisher- the Butterfly Suplex Into A Bridge.  This was good.  Why is Sugar suddenly the Job Gal of OZ Academy?

LIONESS ASKA/ MAYUMI Fuckin’ OZAKI vs. KAORU/ TOSHIYO YAMADA
Oh THIS was Fun!  SUPER STAR UNIT INVADES! Episode one- “KAORU and Yamada galvanize to fight a common enemy!”  They hang KAORU off the balcony of Koruken Hall early.  KAORU- clad in the SUPER FRISKY Purple outfit- is the first in the race to the blade as Lioness hits the GNARLY piledriver through the unbreakable table.  KAORU is quite the sport and the glue that hold the whole GAEA ball of wax together.  She takes it LIKE AMAN when Lioness has her in a half Camel Clutch and Oz does Shima Nabunaga-like Jumping Dropkicks right in the face.  Oz- with KAORU’s blood smeared across her lips like so much smeared lipstick- keeps up with dropkicks to the face after Lioness exits the ring.  After they beat the living hell out KAORU, KAORU FINALLY gets in a vertical suplex to escape the mauling and Yamada comes in like a motherfucker- whomping up on the assorted Ozettes and just CRUSHING Oz with a Jumping Heel Kick right in the face.  Aja comes in to slow her down with a Cameo Urican that Oz follows up with Lil Urican.  Yamada- healthy, fired-up, pissed-off- starts hitting the nastiest series of Dangerous Backdrops you’ll ever wanna see.  KAORU hits a mindbending Excalibur on Lioness while Yamada hits the Reverse Gory Driver on Oz in unison.  Lioness gets KAORU with five consecutive Liger Bombs that Yamada gets her out of- all this after Lioness got on offense by using Oz/SSU interference to recover from a KOARU Moonsault Senton.  Lioness finally crushes the totally HOT KAORU with a GROTESQUE Tiltawhirl Pyramid Driver.  Ohhhh this feud is gonna be FUN.  Postmatch, Crush Gal tries to kill Crush Gal!  Mima Shimoda shows up IN A TIGHT SWEATER! WOO-HOO!  MIMA SHIMODA SHOWS UP IN A TIGHT SWEATER!  WOO-HOO! and leaves Hirota in a pool of her own blood and CHIGUSA IS PISSED!   MIMA SHIMODA....Mother of Fudge, YOU better fucking believe you WANT ALLLLLL
THIS.

@#@#@#@#@# JD' TOGETHER '98- 12/26/98; Tokyo- Ariake Coliseum
(by POGO PETE STEIN!)
This was the Jaguar Yokota retirement show promoted by Jd' as a promotional all-star show.  You realize now that none of the people in Jd's TV opening (Bison, Jaguar, Goddess, Yuki Lee) even work for them anymore.

SUGAR SATO/CHIKAYO NAGASHIMA vs. FANG SUZUKI/THE BLOODY
JIP with FANG! and Bloody using Chair-Fu on Nagashima while Ryuna tapes Sugar to the ropes.  Bloody hits her Locomotion German suplex on Nagashima but can't put her away, and Sugar gets freed by Reiko Amano.  Quick cut to the Oz Academy making their comeback on, well, whatever the Jd team calls themselves.  Bloody accidentally takes
FANG out with her chain and Nagashima hits the fisherman buster on her while Sugar toasts FANG! with the uraken.  Nagashima then catches FANG! with a german suplex, but Ryuna naturally runs in and breaks the pin up.  Sugar takes out Ryuna while Nagashima does a rolling guillotine off the top onto FANG!, picks her up at 2 and finally pins her with a second german suplex.  An eh match from the highlights, although I'd love to have a shirt with "FANG" on the back like FANG! wears.

CHAPARITA ASARI/TIGER DREAM vs. SUMIE SAKAI/HIROMI YAGI:
Sakai'swearing a Jaguar-style outfit for this match, although the effect isn't quite there if ya smell what the Rock is cookin'.  JIP with a four-dive sequence as Yagi planchas Tiger and ASARI, then holds them so Sakai can do an Orihara moonsault onto them, but they move and Yagi takes the move instead.  Tiger holds them for ASARI to do the  Sky-Twister Press TO THE FLOOR (incoming!!!!!!!), then Candy fakes a mortal ala Sayama and follows with a springboard pescado onto the pile.  Quick cut to the finish, with everyone suplexing the crap out of each other mixed in with ASARI doing an assisted moonsault off of Tiger's hands on the top rope onto Yagi.  There's some really great action going on here, but based on this crowd you'd think Baba's funeral was going on in the same building.  Someone tell those folks to loosen their ties and have some fun!  Tiger winds up putting Sakai away with the tiger suplex for the pin after getting her feet up for Sakai's moonsault attempt.

LIONESS ASUKA vs. MAYUMI OZAKI:
Quick, Crowada, shield your eyes!  The Cranky One is in no real mood to sell too much of The Minky One's offense, save for a brief spurt where the Academy runs in and gives her the advantage.  Oz winds up hitting Tequila Sunrise, but Lioness kicks out.  Eventually Lioness gives Oz the Towerhacker Bomb... then to add insult to injury, she picks Oz up at two and uses Oz's own Tequila Sunrise to pin her.  I guess Lioness took one look at all of the morticians in the  audience and decided to phone this one in.  Postmatch Aja Kong joins them for a three-way handshake and some pre-emptive brainstorming re their GAEA attack.

JAGUAR YOKOTA FINAL BATTLE: JAGUAR YOKOTA vs. DEVIL MASAMI:
And time... slows... to... a... standstillllllitsdnats ...a ...ot ...swols ...emit dnA :IMASAM LIVED .sv ATOKOY RAUGAJ :ELTTAB LANIF ATOKOY RAUGAJ

Yep, Devil's in "psychology mode" tonight.  The gist of the match is that Jaguar can't take Devil by force, so she has to work in quick attacks on Devil's legs while Devil uses her Oliver Hardy offense.  You know, she gets hit with something and sloooooowly comes back with another move.  I almost expected Devil and Jag to react like Kendo did in that mixed trios match at the "10 minutes" call.  Devil actually pulls off a cool spot as she catches Jag on the top rope, holds her in a superplex position for about 20 seconds, then dumps her down to the floor instead.  Finally, after kicking out of something like 17 Devil powerbombs, Jag finally succumbs when Devil kills her with an SSD for the pin at 19:33. Even the retirement ceremony kinda sucks: Jag gives a speech, the rest of the Jd crew gives her a lap around the ring and then they carry her to the back.  The End.

Not much of a show, kids.  Minus GAEA (who definitely packed Bunka Gym for their 4-4 show based on the pics I saw), it doesn't look good for the joshi promotions' collective future if the crowd size and heat here was any indication.  Jaguar definitely deserved a better match, maybe with Lioness instead.

@#@#@#@#@ FMW Battle Station - 5/25/97
(by REV RAY)
Dragon Winger vs. Flying Kid Ichihara [joined in progress]
Winger is in control on the Kid, who Spike Dudley could probably use a power offense set on.  Winger uses some
powerbombs and a fisherman buster on the Kid.  Kid gets in sort bits of offense, usually a sunset flip or pinning type move.  Kid escapes a Dragon suplex, follows it up with a la Majistaral which goes into the ropes.  Kid with a slam and a moonsault for the win.

Miss Mongol vs. Miwa Sato [joined in progress]
Mongol with some chops followed by a senton and then a rolling variety.  Miwa answers with a hair pull, German suplex, a top rope drop kick and a top rope somersault body attack for a two.  Sato with a bridged suplex for a two.  Sato western union's a punch which Mongol counters.  As not very exciting as the FMW women's division is, just about everyone in it would smoke the WWF women.  Mongol with a top rope senton to score the pin.

Hisakatsu Ohya vs. some kicker guy [joined in progress]
I'm not sure who Ohya's opponent was, it might have been someone from Battlarts, but I couldn't make out the
kanji (Might have been something moto).  They only showed a minute or two, but Ohya's in control with a hold, kicker guy escapes, throws some kicks, Ohya counters one kick with a dragon screw.  Kicker guy pulls out a schoolboy for a two, runs the ropes, Ohya catches him in an abdominal stretch for the win.

Super Leather vs. Mr. Pogo II
Leather punches Pogo in the head a few times, hits his brainbuster (which the announcers call a Ghostbuster.  Koko B. Ware is GOD in FMW I guess). Pogo does some top rope stuff to get Leather in a little trouble, but he gets caught up top and Leather superplexes him for for a two.  Tombstone for another two. Leather escapes a lariat into sort of a hot shot and hits the brainbuster for the win.

Shark Tsuchiya/Crusher Maedomari v. RIE/Kouri Nakayama
Dean offered me a choice between getting either WAR or FMW tapes.  I figured I'd escape the WAR fat boys by
taking the FMW.  Little did I know that there's a whole lot of Shark and Crusher on that FMW.  I've got 4 hours of FMW.  Shark and Crusher make it seem like 18 hours.  To their credit, they don't carve up everyone, so they just suck in this.  I've not really seen too much of Nakayama's work, but she's got a pretty sweet swinging DDT and a couple of
other flying moves, which can only mean good things for GAEA.  Hell, I think she'd get more out of Maiko Matsumoto than her opponents in this match.  Shark puts Nakayama away after 2 high angle powerbombs. Post match they double back suplex RIE.

Mr. Gannosuke/The Gladiator vs. Hayabusa/Ricky Fuji
 Gee, wonder who's doing the job in this match?  Hayabusa decks Gannosuke when he's on the apron to convince him to
start.  They go back and forth, both getting in shots before both guys tag out.  The fans get behind Ricky, but Gladiator pretty much manhandles him.  Gladiator misses a corner charge, Fuji hits a top rope body press for a two and tags back in Hayabusa.  Gladiator reverses a powerbomb attempt into a double leg slam.  He gets thrown to the floor and
Hayabusa hits an apron dive lariat on him, so Gannosuke attacks him when he's on the floor.  Glad hits a slingshot shoulder tackle and tags out.  Busa makes the tag to Fuji and he and Gannosuke chop each other a whole bunch, which Gannosuke breaks up with an eye rake.  Ricky got in the Tiger Mask catch your foot/back kick move, before Gannosuke
hits an inverted atomic drop.  This breaks down with Gannosuke and Gladiator uses chairs on both guys for a bit before Gannosuke gets his stick and starts jabbing Fuji with it. Gladiator breaks a chair over his head off the top rope.  Fuji makes the tag to Busa who takes over on Gannosuke and teases using the stick, but doesn't and gets low blowed for
it.  Hayabusa catches Gannosuke with a Yamada flying 360 round kick and hits a quebrada to the floor.  Hayabusa with the firebird splash which Gladiator breaks up.  Fuji hits the kamakazi for a two.  Gannosuke DDTs him.  Hayabusa gets tagged in, he goes for a top rope body press but finds nothing but Gannosuke's knee.  Gladiator comes in, hits a
powerbomb for two.  He goes for his running powerbomb, but Fuji breaks it up.  This pretty much gets out of control as everyone comes in when they want to and go for near falls.  Gannosuke puts Fuji away with a powerbomb.   Post match, Hayabusa gets powerbombed by Gladiator.  Zach Arnold's favorite manager, Vic Quionnes gives Gannosuke the materials to spit a big ass fireball at Hayabusa.  I've seen all involved look better, but it didn't suck.

No Rope Barbed Wire match: Tetsuhiro Kuroda/Masato Tanaka/Koji Nakagawa vs.
Atsushi Onita/W*ING Kanemura/Hido
Onita's a heel, but the group's not Zen yet.  The artists soon to be known as Zen dominate early.   Tanaka takes a front suplex onto the barbed wire, then Hido drops Kanemura into a leg drop onto him.  Onita takes Tanaka to the floor and cements that he's a heel by taking the chair from a little kid despite the fact there's an open chair right next to him.  Onita piledrivers Tanaka on an unbreakable table (which didn't break), then W*ING powerbombs him through it.  A table is set up on the apron and guys are thrown into it a whole bunch.  Uh guys, wouldn't the barbed wire work better?  About 7 or 8 chairs get broken over Tanaka's head in the course of the match.  W*ING deposits Kuroda back first on top of the barbed wire before spiking Hido's piledriver on Tanaka onto the chairs.  After about 10 minutes of getting their asses kicked, team FMW finally gets in some offense as Tanaka fights off Kanemura's attack with a barbed wire bat with a chair before hitting a screw bomb and a swinging DDT off a chair.  Onita takes a barbed wire bump or two, but avoids a Tanaka elbow attempt so Tanaka runs chest first into the wire.  We have about 80 Thunder Fire Powerbomb
attempts to finish the match.  It's kind of sad that it's Onita's move and just about everyone else does it better than he does.  Onita wins with... you guessed it... a thunder fire powerbomb.  Post match, Onita and Kanemura talk shit. Tanaka gets filled with shame and they film a promo in the back which I don't know what's talked about, but involves slapping Tanaka around.  I would have liked this better if the FMW had gotten in more offense, but I guess this was more or less to get the new group over.

@#@#@#@#@ WRESTLE ASSOCIATION “R”- 5/5/97 COMMERCIAL TAPE
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
WAR MOTHERFUCKING KICKS ASS- when it doesn’t, you know, suck.  You gotta love fat guys with half assed judo gimmicks!  Okay. YOU don’t have to, but IIIIIIIII certainly do.  You should get all WAR ever made ever.  Really. You’d just spend your money on something stupid anyway...

BATTLE RANGER vs. TOMOHIRO ISHII:
Battle Ranger- inexplicable and career-orientedly maladjusted as the only masked Junior in the shambles that is the
postUD WAR Junior Division- is all about kicking Bukoh non-fatboy Tomohiro Ishii right in the face and we can all get behind that.  Ishii got lumpier in the next year, but is quite the good little worker- as Bukoh Dojo isn’t afraid to actually pump out some decent non-rotund workers to compliment the true Awesome-osity of Masaaki Mochizuki and the TORYUMON-rub-enhanced Yoshikazu Taru.  Ishii doesn’t kick the quite acceptable BattleRanger right in the face or anything, but he does work well and hits some nice suplexes.  BR hits an Asai Moonsault that actually clears out the first three rows and then hits a thoroughly DELUXE Backdrop Driver, so maybe this WAS fine, fine wrestling after all.  Battle Ranger wins the whole magilla with a preoposterous- but not in a swanky lucha wat- roll-up.

OSAMU TACHIHIKARI vs YOSHIKAZU TARU:
HOLY BATS!  I had to REALLY just sit down and watch this a couple of times.  This was fricking AMAZING.  Taru is the Bukoh Dojo face here as he wouldn’t be dragged to coolness by CRAZY MAX for another two years.  Tachihikari is awe-inspiring in his weirdness.  He is a freak and a total anomaly.  I- personally- find him to an existential hero- a sad, melancholy everyman who is outclassed by even the horrible heavyweights around him in WAR and who cannot get
into what he must do as a pro wrestler because it always seems that his heart is broken and his spirit is splintered.  I feel for Osamu.  He is great Existential Icon.  And... well... he is also a very shitty wrestler.  I haven’t seen ANYTHING as slow and lumbering as Tachihikari in this match since the days when Jim Hart quarterbacked the St Louis Cardinals.  I ..I... dunno.  The match is kinda like- Taru just kinda kicks and kicks Osamu and I’d call Osamu a living heavybag but well..... Osamu is too slow and immobile to be called a heavybag.  The other thing is that Taru is more one-dimensional than Tachihikari in that he does NO wrestling moves- just crappy kicks.  Actually he does try to get a Cross-Armbreaker at one point BUT Osamu... counters it I guess (though it was too slow to actually be a counter) and Tachihakari- unbelievably- gets the MOUNT! in one of the most pathetic things you will ever see. Awwwwwwwww, he’s lumpy.....  The little fella is trying to go shootstyle.  GODSPEED! my favorite WAR crappy heavyweight. This match is more horrendous than about all of the other horrendous matches in Osamu’s horrendous portfolio but I still love Tachihakari and so do you.  Tachihakari represents the terror in my soul and for that I must always watch him.

MASAAKI MOCHIZUKI/ TAKESHI OKAMURA vs. GOKUAKU UMIBOZU/
SHININGAMI:
This match fucking ruled in SUCH a stupid way.  Gokuaku Umibozu and Shiningami can’t actually wrestle overly well at all, but Shiningami has a Schneider-esque mullet, has this thoroughly Herman Munster gimmick and does THE CLAW!  This would suck except he does a Exploider Suplex with the CLAW replacing the Urange part of the hold (My guess is that he stole this move from Super Nova.)  He keeps the CLAW on the whole time and afterwards!  Obviously, I just totally lost my shit when I saw that. Gokuaku looked like Benkei in the pre-match interview and I thought I was in for the hideous ride, but this is a smaller guy with a gimmick as goofed-out as Shiningami and he missed a moonsault- so I was all kinds of relieved that I wasn’t gonna be Benkei-ed on this WAR tape.  The GODlike Mochizuki and Bukou compadre, the quite acceptable in a Jado kinda way, Okamura, both kick really hard in this match- so this good from the
ground floor. Masaaki busts out all of his fancypants moves and I’m quickly won over.  A Million Billion Stars just for the Japan Indie World otherworldliness of the whole proceedings.  Awwww yeah.

YUJI YASURAOKA vs. MASAJI AOYAGI
Hey, you know me.  I think Yasaraoka is fucking great.  He’s one of the REAL reasons I get so stoked about WAR tapes.  The problem with this match is that Aoyagi wasn’t quite up to putting the effort required to make this the OFF THE CHARTS match that this looked like on paper.  I guess Kitoa lucked out with Mochizuki as he seems to be the only one who can actually work a really good complete match and do things other than kick a whole lot.  Yuji tries to offset the limitations of Masaji by doubling up his highflying and by taking a whole lot of kicks to the face to make Aoyagi look good.  Yuji hits that underhook DDT that Masaji sells wrong for the win.  Oooooooooo ungood.

LANCE STORM/ NOBUTAKA ARAYA vs. KOJI KITOA/ NOBUKAZU HIRAI:
BOY!  THIS AIN’T SO GOOD!  Araya is a good worker- a sort of shorter, less-flamboyant, over-the-hill version of Barry Windham (or something).  Lance Storm is good worker that you’ve seen with his nekkid valet in ECW.  Hirai is like a dwarfish version of Tachihikari but without the beauty and melancholy but with all the clumsiness BUT with the added feature of a perchant to fuck up at attempts at high-flying so he also has RANGE in his inability to wrestle.  Koji Kitoa is the worst motherfucking wrestler on the God’s green earth.  What a lumbering useless load of shit in the ring.  Hey!  He’s retired now so everybody’s happy!  This match is good for some really deep guffaws as Kitoa fucks up any and everything he attempts.  Hirai is also good for a few laughs as he hits the most hilarious toprope elbow that he follows up with a laughable WAR Special. Hearty chuckles all around!  Ohhhh goddamdidkojikitoastink.

GENICHIRO TENRYU/ TATSUMI KITAHARA/ JUN KIKUCHI vs. ABDULLAH the
BUTCHER/ TARZAN GOTO/ RYO MIYAKE (Cage match)
One trembles in fear at the mighty WAR Main Event.  You never know what you’ll get. This DID have the absolutely GREAT Abdullah interview.  “You’ve never tasted the fork, Ten-you!  The Butcher Is EATING YOU, Ten-you!”  Abby speaking English and delving so deeply into the realm of the Antichristo interview for all-out creepiness was priceless.  The match itself was quite the hideous thing because Kitahara never gets to kick the fuck out of anything so to hell with all this.  They carve up Tenryu pretty good, if your into that kind of thing. I GOT ALL OF THIS!

$%$%$%$%$$% TORYUMON TV- 2/15/99 (taped 1/31, 2/3/99)
(by POGO PETE STEIN!)
I don't think this clip needs any setup.  Magnum Tokyo and UD himself are in the studio and graphics on each Toryumon student are pulled up, leading into

GENKI HORIGUCHI vs. YASUSHI KANDA: JIP.
Good action from both guys, particularly Horiguchi (black/white/red t-shirt and tights ensemble) who pulls off some
cool lucha headscissors on Kanda (sporting a Dick Togo-style blue/white tights and boots look).  Kanda is more elbow-intensive and not as flashy, but he connects with a nice turning powerslam.  Kanda eventually wins with a diving elbow.  Not bad at all, as they didn't blow any spots and the crowd was into it.

KENICHIRO ARAI vs. SUZUMU MOCHIZUKI: JIP.
Arai (black/red tights) is really trying to rudo it up but he comes off looking like Butch from the Little Rascals with his
comical scowl.  He's got some OK moves but he spends way too much time using his skull as his main offensive weapon.  He also apparently can't decide if he wants to be a spunky badass or a Memphis-via-Naucalpan cowardly heel.  Mochizuki (black/yellow tights, blond hair) looks OK, but he's got the least personality by far of UD's students based on what airs here.  After downing Mochizuki with his Missing Link impression, Arai goes up top and it looks like he's going to do a moonsault... instead, he twists around and hits a diving headbutt for the win.  Hahahahahahahaha.  Now begone.

YOSHIKAZU TARU vs. STOKER ICHIKAWA:
Oh man... you know this is gonna be special when Stoker comes out to the William Tell Overture (AKA the "Lone Ranger" theme to the mentally handicapped, Rossini-ignorant and Foghat members) and passes out his business cards to the LADIEEEEEEES sitting ringside at Korakuen.  In a devil costume, mind you.  Complete with pitchfork.  Stoker spends the first couple of minutes shaking his keister at Taru, doing crotch-chops and spinning away everytime Taru starts to go after him.  Taru soon gets tired of this and charges in, but Stoker sticks his fingers out. Taru walks right into the Moe-poke and Stoker punches away, but Taru no-sells everything and gives him this look like "Are you done yet, you fucking weirdo?"  Taru beats a mudhole into him and charges, only to fall to the floor as Stoker ducks out of the way.  Stoker fakes a mortal, jumps over the ropes and kicks Taru ala Sasuke, then rolls back into the ring and performs the Mrs. Rippa Mating Dance again.  Taru heads in and levels Stoker with a kick, and you can tell he's gonna rip this geek in half now.  Taru with a half-hour suplex for 2, then Stoker sneaks in La Magistral for a near-fall.  Taru (who does a karate gimmick) comes back with kicks and absolutely NUKES Stoker with a spinning MDII ("Taru Driller") for the one-finger pin.  Postmatch Taru gives referee Babe Richard a Polaroid camera so Taru can pose with Stoker's carcass- cool gimmick.  Sadly Stoker is all schtick and he sucks as a wrestler, but his schtick *is* pretty damn funny. Plus the red fur on his arms and shoulders works much better for him than when Schneider wore it to his senior prom.

YOSHIKAZU TARU/MASAAKI MOCHIZUKI vs. TAKASHI OKAMURA/KEIICHI KAWANO
All four guys are from World Grandma-Tossing Champion Koji Kitao's Bukoh Dojo promotion.  What's shown here amounts to Kawano and Okamura beating on Taru like the guy stole Kitao's lunch, and this goes on for several minutes.  Finally Sumo Fuji runs out and distracts Babe Richard so Judo Suwa and Shima Nobunaga can run in and beat the crap out of his assailants.  Okamura gets crotched against the ringpost and Shima takes Kawano out with an assisted swinging DDT; Mochizuki protests this, so Taru's new buddies take him out as well.  All this time Sumo's apparently been asking
Richard how the flight was from Mexico.  Finally Richard turns around just as Taru plants Kawano with the Taru Driller for the pin.  Postmatch the kids from Crazy MAX ask Taru if he wouldn't like to work for a REAL promotion, and Taru agrees by joining in the beatdown on Bukoh until Magnum Tokyo and Dragon Kid hit the ring and make the save. Hey, it's always good when the Bukoh boys get the crap beaten out of them (save Mochizuki, Son of Man).

ELIMINATION MATCH:  SUMO FUJI/JUDO SUWA/SHIMA NOBUNAGA vs. DRAGON KID/MAGNUM TOKYO/SAITO:
Tokyo gets an ALL-TIME classic entrance, dancing through the crowd while the LADIEEEEEEES stuff yen notes as well as dollars and even pesos down his tights.  There's a hysterical shot of this granny FRANTICALLY shoving cash into Tokyo's area.  Finally Tokyo hits the ring, where his dancers do a number and then rip his chaps away revealing what looks like 10 million dollars crammed down his tights.  Drinks on Tokyo!  Match proper is slow at first,
highlighted by SAITO's freaky matwork and Kid's off-the-charts flying.  They pick things up around the 15-minute mark with the lucha-standardized "everyone does a dive" sequence capped off by Tokyo shaking his thang and doing a MAJESTIC Toyota moonsault onto everyone (and apparently screwing up his neck in doing so).  Crazy MAX
take control and Shima does the super-weird Homage To Maivia by busting out the People's Legdrop on Tokyo.  MAX continue the assault on Kid until he reverses a Superbomb into a Frankenstein and Tokyo comes in, hitting a sweet 360-degree swinging DDT on Suwa who falls to the floor.  Tokyo then rolls backwards and does a headscissors on Suwa sending him into the crowd.  Tecs go into control until Kid finally gets the first elimination with his awesome Dragon Rana (450 off the top into a Frankenstein) on Suwa for the pin at 24:18.  SAITO gets a quick 2 on Sumo with his rollup/headstand combo, but Sumo comes back with the Fuerza Punt (tm Highspots board).  After SAITO comes back
with an armbreaker he goes up top but Shima shakes the ropes so SAITO crotches himself, then hits SAITO with his Iconoclasm.  Sumo heads in, nuts SAITO again, climbs up and hits ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAM on SAITO for Elimination #2 at 26:46.  Tokyo comes in; Sumo catches him and ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAM follows, but Kid breaks it up.  Things settle down for awhile as it slows down into a regular tag match.  At one point Kid drops Sumo and goes up top, but before he can do anything he gets nutted by Yoshikazu Taru (working as Crazy MAX's manager tonight).  The tecs come back as Tokyo sets Shima on top and flips a charging Kid onto him; Kid then hits the Frankenstein.  Sumo comes back and hits ahhhhhh you know what, but Tokyo returns the favor by saving Kid.  Sumo goes for it again, and this time Kid reverses it into a Frankenstein for Elimination #3 at 31:46.  Tokyo soon slams Shima and Kid hits a
PERFECT Phoenix Splash but can't put Shima away.  Tokyo repositions Shima and Kid follows with a 450, but he lands wrong on Shima's face.  Shima gets knocked silly and immediately starts to bleed from his mouth, and Tokyo wraps Shima in a wonderfully goofy figure-four variation I guess to give Shima time to recover.  You have to love the way UD taught these guys about flow and pacing.  Kid whips Shima to the buckles, does a double handspring and lands on Shima's shoulders, but Shima catches him as he spins around and plants him with a powerbomb.  Kid recovers, whips Shima to the buckles and charges; Shima dumps him over his head onto the ropes, but Kid jumps backwards and hits his Dragon's Ray (rebound Frankenstein) for a near-fall.  Shima is reeling and still coughing up the syrup and Kid hits the Dragon Rana a second time, but Taru distracts Babe Richard while Sumo and Judo run in.  Sumo takes out Tokyo, Judo plants Kid with a sidewalk slam and Shima hits his Mad Splash (frog splash) on Kid just as Babe Richard turns around to count Kid out at 36:35.  Now it's down to Shima and Tokyo.  Shima drops Tokyo and rolls him up, but instead of going for the pin he just PUNCHES Tokyo right in the Little Tokyo.  Crazy MAX and Taru start to interfere like, well, crazy, and it comes to a head when Taru prevents Tokyo from going off the top after he hits a Tokyo Cutter on Shima.  UD gives up and sends all of the seconds (including Stoker, having replaced his devil horns with gigantic Shemp-like ears) after Taru to drag him to the back. With the "Konnan books TJ" portion of the match out of the way Shima and Tokyo are free to tear the house down.  Tokyo goes for his Viagra Driver (pumphandle MDII), but Shima reverses and catches Tokyo with a chinbreaker.  Shima sets Tokyo on top, gives him a shotay and hits the Iconoclasm, then goes up top himself but Tokyo revives and climbs up to join him.  Shima knocks him down but Tokyo rolls through, runs over and
crotches Shima.  He then climbs up, balances on the side rope and does a UD-style Frankensteiner to send Shima to the mat.  Tokyo then hits the Viagra Driver on Shima, climbs up and hits a shaky Shooting Star Press for the final elimination at 45:04.  Hey, you'd have problems doing it too after 45 minutes.  Awesome match with some incredible
spots; they probably could've trimmed down by about 10 minutes, but I guess UD wanted to make sure everyone got plenty of time to strut their stuff here.  It also shows how Bischoff UTTERLY missed the boat on these guys, especially Tokyo who looked like a fucking superstar in this match.

And HEY!  That was just the first show!  Part 2 for DVDVR 97.  GET THIS SHOW.  Now.  I'll wait.

!@!@!@!@!@ FMW Battle Station  7/17/97  & 7/19/97:
(by REV RAY!)
This might actually be two shows melded into one as the host segments seemed to have gotten toasted, but I'm a madman and I'll do two shows (unlike those wuss Foghat boy's who'll do ONE HOUR OF ECW!  Jeez, ECW TV is like 40 minutes of commercials and trailers for the next PPV... it's not that hard to review)

Miss Mongol vs. Crusher Maedomari
Hey, it's Crusher.  She's big and useless.  I like Miss Mongol for some reason, but she's not carrying anybody and in Crusher's case, she'd need a forklift.  Crusher with the chokeslam.

Ricky Fuji vs. Flying Kid Ichihara
Kid goes a whole lot of moonsaults. Kid gets a lot offense in, but after his 6th moonsault, Ricky moves out of the way and hits the kamakazi and a tiger driver both for two.  Kid escapes a suplex attempt into the worse Majistral ever as he did the spin around but didn't bother to trap the arm which Fuji kicks out of.  Fuji hits the ghostbuster for the win (because Koko B. Ware is GOD in FMW.)

The Headhunters vs. Freddy Krueger/Super Leather
Sable wishes she had boobs as big as the Hunters.  Leather decides to chase fans around the arena rather than tie up.  This is SOOOOOO not good.  I remember being impressed with the Head Hunters once.  That was a long time ago.  To their credit, they do some tag moves in this, so they're kind of like the Midnight Express if Bobby and Stan had eaten the Rock 'n Roll Express and the Fantastics.  Hey, Freddy is not good.  I like Super Leather's interviews where he threatens Matsunaga, but not his wrestling.  End this now.  Headhunters win with a tiger driver and then a high angle powerbomb on Freddy by A. Post match,  the Funk Masters do an interview calling out for competition. Quote the Gladiator "FMW SUCKS!"

Kaori Nakayama/Michiko Omukai vs. Shark Tsuchiya/Eagle Sawai (Texas Death Match):
Hey, it's a Texas Death match, which means that Shark and Rodan get to be no selling choads for multiple falls!  To her credit, once again, Shark doesn't carve the Christmas Kaori so I guess she should be complimented... but guess what, she's still Shark and she still stinks.  Kaori gets pinned a whole bunch via assorted powerbombs but keeps getting up.  Omukai gets pinned following a back suplex but gets up.  Nakayama gets beat up for a while, Omukai saves her from a double team allowing her to get in a top rope rana, a DDT and a whole lot of back suplexes, which still aren't good enough to get one fall on Shark.  Shark puts Nakayama away with yet another high angle powerbomb.  Omukai gets
Eagle in a sleeper, but then Eagle's flunky does a run in to do some damage.  Omukai reverses a whip so Eagle hits her partner and gets a german suplex for two.  Omukai gets stuff powerbombed for one fall.  Eagle follows with her powerbomb to get another fall and the win.  Gee, with such a promising future in LLPW and FMW, I have no idea why
Michiko decided to go to ARSION.

Hideki Hosaka/ W*ING Kanemura/ Hido v. Masato Tanaka/ Tetsuhiro Kuroda/ Mr. Pogo II:
The former W*ING team takes control earler, working over Pogo II, with Kanemura putting him though a table, them powerbombing him on a row of chairs set up on twoother chairs and hitting him with a barbed wire bat.  Kuroda shifts things in his sides favor with a lariat setting up a Pogo chokeslam, Kuroda diving elbow and a Tanaka top rope splash.  The W*ING team gets back in control when Hido brings the barbed wire Bat back into play.  Tanaka fights them off with elbows to set up a TFPowerbomb, but Hosaka saves the pin fall.  Kanemura low blows out of a German suplex attempt by Kuroda.  Hido chairs him and Kanemura hits a top rope senton for two.  Hosaka and Kanemura do Total
Elimination on  Kuroda and Hosaka eventually puts him away with a powerbomb.

A recap of Jinsei Shinzaki's arrival in FMW to help Hayabusa.

Mr. Gannosuke/The Gladiator/Hisakatsu Ohya vs. Jinsei Shinzaki/Hayabusa/Koji Nakagawa:
Jinsei and Gannosuke start out with Jinsei in getting the better of most of the exchanges, getting in his rope walk before Hayabusa works with Gannosuke before tagging to Gladiator.  Everyone tags in and works a brief segment with each other. Gannosuke and Jinsei work against each other again, Jinsei goes for his Vader Bomb and catches nothing but knees, so Gannosuke works him over with the broken stick.  Gladiator hits Jinsei with a chair, hangs him in the corner and gives him a chinlock from the floor, leaving a puddle of blood in the corner.  They really blow a spot where Gannosuke is supposed to run into a Jinsei super kick.  Hayabusa gets the hot tag.  It seems like they clipped out part of this.  Gladiator saves Ohya after a Haybusa 450.  He also saves him from the praying powerbomb, but as the other 4 fight on the floor, Jinsei gets Gannosuke in the praying powerbomb and the crossed armed camel clutch, which Gladiator saves. Gannosuke and Ohya hit the back suplex/jumping neckbreaker drop on 'busa.  They run through a lot of near falls with partners making the saves.  Nakagawa tries to get the win with the Gannosuke clutch on Gannosuke but no dice.  Eventually, the Funk Masters (and no that doesn't have Parliament or Bootsy Collins as members) beat off Hayabusa and Jinsei, allowing Gannosuke to hit the praying bomb on Nakagawa.

^&^&^&^&^&^^ NEO LADIES NEO STAGE 1998: 3 NIGHTS- 8/14-15-16/98, Korakuen.
(by POGO PETE!)
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily- this is from the infamous Korakuen Hall triple-shot where Neo got this insane idea that they should bank their future on Nicole Bass.  Ah, the retribution one must go through for having the chutzpah to call dibs on Toryumon ahead of the rest of Hollendaise.

10TH NEO DEBUT MATCH: YUKA NAKAMURA vs. ??? (8/16)
The mystery opponent for Nakamura's debut turns out to be Mima Shimoda.  Let the sauciness begin! Yuka's punches are so bad that the announcers are laughing their asses off trying to call the match, but she's got spunk... Mima HATES spunk.  That said, she goes easy on the li'l princess and punches out the second she hears the "5 minutes" call with an axe kick for the pin.

HIROMI YAGI vs. YUKA SHIINA (8/14)
Shiina's one set of pom-poms away from looking like an Illinois State cheerleader based on the outfit she has- not as good a thing as you might expect to this Bradley man.  Decent match thanks entirely to Yagi, who takes it with an anklelock after reversing something Shiina wanted to try into her ipponzei off the top.  Dunno what, but the folks in Korakuen had a big, hearty laugh over it.

JAGUAR YOKOTA vs. YUKA SHIINA (8/15)
Jaguar's making the rounds as her final countdown begins, carrying bottom-feeders like Shiina to solid matches just because she can.  She pulls off one cool move where she's in the corner and it looks like she's going to do a corbata on Shiina, but instead takes her heel and clocks Shiina in the head with it. Jaguar with the nastiest fisherman buster of all time on Shiina for the pin.

MAYUMI OZAKI vs. YUKA SHIINA (8/16)
Pancrase mode On: "GIVE UP!"  THREE Shiina matches in a row?  Actually this one is probably the best of the three as Oz gives Shiina lots of offense after totally dominating the first several minutes, pulling Shiina up on a pin only for Shiina to get an ankle-lock on her and start to work over her ankle big-time. Oz comes back and eventually goes for Tequila Sunrise but Shiina fights her way out, then ducks under Oz's uraken.  Oz puts so much force behind it that she spins around and Shiina immediately schoolgirls her for the near-fall.  Oz comes back with two successful urakens and gets the pin at 6:36.

The rest of the show follows the Tournament of Neo Stage 1998, starting with clips of the 8/14 round-robin "play-in" for the final spot, which ends in a playoff between Genki Misae and Yoshiko Tamura that Tamura wins in 1:10(!) with La Magistral.

1ST ROUND:  YOSHIKO TAMURA vs. X (8/15)
FANG! Suzuki is the mystery gal for Tamura... and to further annoy us all, she's being seconded by Shark Tsuchiya (who looks like a green-haired Rosie O'Donnell tonight in her Izod shirt and Foster Grants).  Tamura and FANG! play Pipe-Fu until Tamura finally takes control.  She hits her double-arm wrist salto but one of Shark's unnamed stooges runs in and breaks the count, then distracts the ref while Shark comes in and crushes Tamura with two lariats so FANG! can cover her and advance.  I dunno... if you can hit the ref with a pipe and have someone run in and make the ref break his count, why can't he see the run-ins too?

1ST ROUND:  CHAPARITA ASARI vs. MIMA SHIMODA (8/15)
Basically we just get the finishing sequence.  ASARI hits the Sky-Twister for a near-fall; she goes up top again, but Shimoda meets her there and hits her Death Lake Driver that sends ASARI two-thirds across the ring.  Shimoda with a tiger suplex for 2 and goes up top; ASARI joins her and hits a Frankenstein, but Shimoda rolls through for 2.99.  ASARI goes for a Toyota Roll but Shimoda reverses it into a powerbomb.  She hits the axe kick and goes up top for a splash, but it's the lame kind so that ASARI can get her feet up.  Shimoda's out, which allows ASARI to hit two straight Sky-Twisters for the upset at 13:36.  Obviously a huge win for ASARI, and something Neo should've doen back in February during that abortion of a handicap match against the Cachorrus.

1ST ROUND:  ETSUKO MITA vs. NICOLE BASS (8/15)
Mita is clearly NOT happy about having to take this match, and who can blame her?  I think my second VCR died on
me specifically so it wouldn't have to take this.  Nicole no-sells everything, yells "WEAK!" at Mita a whole bunch'o times and chokeslams Mita for the pin at 3:11.  This is appropriate since whoever came up with the whole Bass ideas needs to get flashed by Viscera every time they think of her.

1ST ROUND:  HIKARI FUKUOKA vs. KYOKO INOUE (8/15):
Now THIS is more like it.  And Hikari's got the good hairdo back!  She and Kyoko are working for five here I guess to get the hellish taste of Bass out of everyone's mouths.  This match is actually nothing special in and of itself, but compared to what previously transpired it's an all-time classic.  Most of the match has Fukuoka pitching and Kyoko catching, although Kyoko whips out this really fa(s)t fisherman suplex that was cool to see her do.  Fukuoka throws
everything in her arsenal at Kyoko, hitting two straight moonsault-footstomps for near-falls at one point.  She goes for a third but Kyoko rolls out of the way, gets up and lariats her.  She hits a second one and goes for the Niagara Driver; Fukuoka slips out from behind her, but Kyoko grabs her and hits a SWEET German suplex for a near-fall, then puts her away with a successful Niagara Driver at 14:45.  Good stuff considering this was the semifinal of the "Winner Has To Put Bass Over" tournament.

SEMIFINAL:  CHAPARITA ASARI vs. NICOLE BASS (8/16)
Replace "Mita" with "ASARI," "WEAK!" with "You wanna fight?" and "3:11" with "1:57."  Postmatch Bass celebrates with one of Neo's luchadoras (Muneca Oriental?) and hugs her half to death... nah, I ain't even touching that one.  Shimoda's feeling pretty good right about now since she was spared the honor of putting Nicole Himherit's Lumbering, Sucky Majesty over at some point.

SEMIFINAL:  KYOKO INOUE vs. FANG SUZUKI (8/15)
FANG! has Shark, Crusher, Ryuna, The Bloody and Echisera as backup.  FANG! jumps Kyoko before the match starts
while Kyoko lays the smackudownu on Shark via the house mic.  FANG! uses Pipe-Fu on Kyoko and whips her to the ropes, but Kyoko hits a lariat... and gets the pin!  15 seconds! Shark's flunkies all hit the ring, but Kyoko takes them out single-handedly and we get the hysterical visual of Kyoko rumbling after Shark and Crusher to the back like they stole her sack of White Castles.  And the hits just keep on coming...

MIMA SHIMODA/ETSUKO MITA/SAYA ENDO vs. LIONESS ASUKA/ ECHISERA/
THE BLOODY (8/16)
Mita has yet to learn that two wrongs don't make a right, as she isn't even attempting to sell for Lioness's younger partners.  Shimoda juices big-time from her mouth after getting sent into one of the gates by Lioness.  Cachorrus hit the railing dive on Lioness but Saya misses her diving legdrop.  Lioness follows with a SICK powerbomb on Endo on a pile of chairs.  Chair-Fu ensues as Mita uses her "boy" chair on Lioness, but Lioness comes back with kicks and a chokeslam.  Mita makes the save; Echisera grabs her from behind and Bloody goes for a missile dropkick, but Mita ducks
out of the way.  Mita goes for a powerbomb and Echisera gets a surprise roll-up out of it; she hits the ropes only for Mita to give her a *satanic* Blazing Chop on the rebound. Mita goes for the DVD but Echisera slips behind.  She holds Mita for Lioness, but Mita flips her off and ducks just as Lioness accidentally lariats Echisera.  Mita powerbombs Echisera and proceeds to RUIN her with a sick DVD, at which point Shark, Crusher and their cronies decide to "Konnan" the rest of the match.  Shark uses her barbed-wire kendo stick to juice Mita and Shimoda and hovers around for the rest of the match while Lioness uses Shimoda's "girl" chair on Mita.  Everyone runs around like chickens with their heads cut off until Shark's interference backfires on Lioness.  Mita hits the DVD and steals Shark's stick away, but Endo inexplicably prevents her from using it on anyone.  Shark takes out the both of them, Bloody gives Mita a revenge railing dive and Lioness puts everyone who hates crap like this out of their misery with a Liger Bomb on Mita for the pin at 24:14.  Postmatch Endo and Shimoda screech at each other for whatever it was that Endo was doing.

TOURNAMENT OF NEO STAGE 1998 FINAL:  KYOKO INOUE vs. NICOLE BASS
Bass no-sells everything... this is a recording.  Kyoko actually gets Bass on her knees and hooks a sleeper on but Bass reaches the ropes.  Bass gets back up and hits Kyoko with some Jean-Claude Gosh Darn kicks, then rolls Kyoko outside and roars at her.  TOPE CON HILO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No wait, that was the hallucinations.  Kyoko heads back
in and they do a test of strength; Kyoko starts to win but Bass comes back, picks her up and damn near kills her with the sloppiest powerbomb I've ever seen.  Bass follows with two chokeslams and gets the pin.  Postmatch the two embrace and Kyoko passes out, no doubt contemplating the future of her promotion after this debacle.  "Could be worse- could've been a transvestite male kickboxer."  Come to think of it, Bass could be in that boat too. What more has to be said?  Fuck Bass, fuck Kyoko, fuck Neo, fuck ASARI and Mita for also putting this moose over, fuck Jimmy Suzuki for being the middleman, fuck Korakuen Hall management for allowing them to run these matches.  Oh, and fuck Led Zeppelin for eternally ruining "Black Dog" for me now that Bass used it as her theme.  That should about cover all the bases.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$$$$$$$ why would youSINGLES GOING STEADYever let me down now?$$$$$$$$$$
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 JR RYDER/ INFERNO KID/ DEVON STORM/ TWIGGY RAMIREZ/
STEVE CORINO/ ACE DARLING- INDEPENDENT STARS OF PROFESSIONAL
WRESTLING: Somewhere in New Jersey This Year (RASMUSSEN)
This match was SUPERCool.  HOW COOL, you ask?  I can’t remember who was on what team because it was an elimination match and wound up with a sort of extended four way dance type spotfest thing going for itself.  Tim brought it over and we all watched it while eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts and we were finally impressed by Twiggy Ramirez after being underwheled by him in the Eddie Gilbert memorial or the NWA light heavyweight tournament or something.  Here, he finally showed that he will freakin DIE and you get to watch.  Inferno fearlessly washes the ugly taste of his Super Eight 98 performance out of our collective head by hitting some really decent highspots.  This has the Highspot Train that SOMEBODY needs to steal.  After all six die in varying degrees of coolness in succession, ref Mike Keener gets in on the act and hits a swanky plancha off the ringpost. Really fun- can’t remember the teams or who won.  I remember it was a ll good and shit.

KOJI NAKAGAWA vs TETSUHIRO KURODA- 9/8/98; Tokyo, Japan:(RASMUSSEN)
This is from the SWANK~!  FMW BRAINBUSTER SPECIAL Commercial Tape that features the All-gal band rock stylings of Ricky Fuji- as he takes a stab at recreating the magic that Glass Tiger once conjured.  It’s a great tape but too
clipped to review.  It does have only slightly clipped matches on it that are substantial enough to review and I’ma review those here each week for a while so get stoked. Soooooo Kuroda is the best little wrestler in FMW for some reason.  I mean, c’mon- Koji Nakagawa stinks and this match is great.  Okay, this isn’t great but it’s great considering Koji Nakagawa is involved. They fight over a fork early and Koji wins so Kuroda does a fourteen alarm bladejob to get the festivities underway.  Nakagawa’s offense is tentative as hell, he can never figure out where he is in the match and he sells like a Powerplant rookie but Kuroda sets up Nakagawa’s spots as well as they can be set up and then really wrestles for two to make Nakagawa look less like a pint-sized Lex Luger.  Also Kuroda works a-plenty stiff to compensate for the lack of stiffness from Koji- including Hirota’s big league Lariat and swanky suplex collection.  Nakagawa is only a bunch of low blows in this match and- lucky for us- Koji goes over with three variations of a lowblow so the Fit Finlay of FMW moniker for Kuroda would fit here because he just carried the hell out of a wrestler that he is fifty times better than.  Kuroda is one to watch and the fact that a Nakagawa match is better than the Ricky Fuji vs Gedo match says volumes for Kuroda. GO FIGURE!

YOSHIHIRO TAJIRI/ ASTRO JR/ TONY RIVERA/ ORIENTAL vs
KARLOFFE LAGARDE JR/ VIOLENCIA/ ZUMBIDO/ ULTIMO GUERRERRO-
EMLL; 1/9/99: (RASMUSSEN)
Y’know, with such a murderer’s row of bumpaholics, highspot addicts, armdrag masters and in-ring speed freaks, I was absolutely AMAZED that this baby would tank thoroughly as it did.  It DEEPLY has it’s moments- what with the sheer insane talent involved, but this doesn’t deliver the goods like it should and I was sorely disappouinted.  The GOOD: Zumbido, Rivera and Violencia die early as Rivera does an apron hurricanrana on Zumbido and Violencia does a FAT tope con hilo on Rivera that the EMLLL cameraman AAA’s the hell out of./ Oriental does an inexplicably GREAT and complicated swirling head scissors that he follows up with a nine part armdrag that was just MOTHERFUCKING GREAT- a sort of Volador full-extension armdrag but in double time and with extra flourishes.  They botch the WAR springboard rana, but it’s tricky enough to shake off if you are the viewer.  BAD: LaGarde eliminates Tajiri after one Asai moonsault and no stiff kicks or Tarantulas or anything.  GOOD:Oriental and Ultimo Guerrerro do a cool sequence where UG uses his Black Warrior Lite offense to eliminate Oriental with a Doctor Bomb after hitting a Judo throw into a
Belly-to-belly.  Despite some decent work by Zumbido (and a REAL hurty knee entanglement while trying to go over the toprope), the rest of this is a long train of blown spots, crappy tenative random spots, spots for the sake of spots- everything you don’t want in a match like this.  These guys all ROCK like a hurricane.  Welcome to an off
night.

AND FINALLY, from the DVD HOLLENDAISE reading room:
------- FROM PARTS UNKNOWN #4; Unknown Publications, P.O. Box 1133, Waltham,
MA 02454 or check yer local comic/zine/head shop: (POGO PETE)
This is the lucha culture magazine that should be required reading if you have the slightest interest in Nosotros Deporte Grande.  I finally stumbled across this bad boy at Jim Hanley's Universe in NYC, and it was definitely worth the search.  The Dr. Wagner Jr. interview was worth the price of admission alone as they actually explained the origin of the insignia on the side of Wagner's mask and went into the history of the "bad doctor" gimmick in Mexico as well as the States.  There's also a great feature on sitting ringside at the Anaheim WPW shows. Having proudly sported a bruise for several weeks after having La Parka embed a Chicago Amphitheater guardrail into my arm with a tope back in '96, I could totally relate to Karleen Klassy's similar pride in her bruise from Blue Panther landing on her.  The FPU crew delve into the world of lucha porn comics, Jaime Hernandez supplies a pin-up, and even the Barnett ad is good for a laugh.  Easily worth the $3.95.

We are DVD-HOLLENDAISE- THREE FISTS IN THE FACE OF WRESTLING.

"Every so often everybody’s baby gets the urge to roam- but everybody’s baby but mine’s coming home."
- JOHNNY CASH, Train of Love.
 

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