It's gonna be a big week of endless tape reviewing so you may wanna print this momma out. Phil got all the Big Japan in the world from Billy and I got all the Big Japan in the world from LOREFICE and add that to the SUPER incredible tape GLENN! sent and you got the tip of the iceberg of TOTALLY ROPE GRAP ACTION VEIWING. WHIP ASS! We'd also like to give a big fat-ass welcome to King Of Shootstyle, Mike Naimark. He had the Kentucky Stick-fighting Handheld so he was DEFINATELY Death Valley Playboy material so he is our official Shootstyle reviewer boy. Give up the love. AWRIGHT! I now present to you... the man called Reverend Ray....
&*&*&*&* NEW JAPAN
TV G-1 CLIMAX '98
(REV RAY)
The term "get all this" is often use by my fellow
reviewer Dean-o Machino, and this is definitely the show that "Get all
this!" applies to.
Yasuda vs. Kojima (JIP):
It's Pete Stein's favorite midcard New Japan
Heavyweight, Lurch Yasadu, against the man with the goofy hair, Satoshi
Kojima. The crowd is pretty hot for this and the rest of the show. It's
great as everytime someone hits someone, you see the sweat flying off them.
It's real back and forth early, one guy takes control, hits a move and
goes for a follow up that usually misses. Yasuda misses an Avalanche, Kojima
answers with a Diamond Cutter, he goes up top, Yasuda slams him off and
gets in control for the first time in the match of the show with the Sumo
Slaps to the corner, Irish whip to the opposite corner, avalanche into
the underhook suplex for two. Kojima counters a big boot and German suplexes
Yasuda, hits the corner flying forearm and top rope elbow, as well as a
top rope drop kick for twos. Kojima goes for the lariat but eats a fist
or a clothesline from Yasuda. Yasuda hits a running neckbreaker drop, but
Kojima blocks his Tiger driver. Kojima goes for another lariat, Yasuda
with a drop kick and then the Tiger driver. Yasuda tries to go for Air
Lurch, but Kojima catches him and hits a superplex, followed by a top rope
rolling Senton body attack for two, follows it up with a top rope elbow
for a two. Kojima puts him away with the lariat. Good match to rival the
bizarrely good match Yasuda had with Tenzan last year.
Kazou Yamazaki vs. Kensuki Sasaki:
Yamazaki attacks as the referee is doing his
pre-match checks and goes to work on Sasaki's bad leg. Yamazaki tries to
get in a Dragon screw, but Sasaki hits him with forearms early, and then
hits him with knees with his bad leg. He's more or less trying to show
his leg is not in bad shape and starts round kicking Yamazaki, which is
a mistake, because Kazou catches the leg and hits the Dragon screw and
then goes for a figure four. Sasaki kicks him off and it's pretty obvious
the leg is hurting him. Yamazaki tries to go after the arm, but Sasaki
powers him off. Yamazaki with a high round kick and then goes after the
leg. The crowd seems to be chanting something along with each of Yamazaki's
kicks, but I can't figure it out. Sasaki catches a kick, but gets nailed
with an enzugiri, Yamazaki goes for a leg lariat, but Sasaki catches him
and suplexes him. Sasaki hits a lot of knees with the bad leg on Yamazaki.
Sasaki hits a powerslam and gets in Strangle Hold Gamma, but he has to
let it go as his knee gives out. Kazou keeps up the kicks, Sasaki tries
to fight him off, but Yamazaki hits another Dragon screw and applies a
leg scissors to score the win. Hey, someone got their Undertaker tapes
in the mail.
Masahiro Chono vs. Shiro Koshinaka:
Joined in progress, Shiro has the Dragonsleeper
on Chono, but Chono escapes with knees to the head. Chono does a number
of mean nasty things to Shiro's knees on the railing, throws him in and
continues. Shiro punches him off and hits an enzugiri. They struggle to
gain control, Shiro hits one hip attack, goes for a second, but Chono counters
by ducking low and more or less clipping Shiro out of the air. Chono goes
back to the legs with a sort of figure four/Indian death lock move until
going to the Teioh Lock. Shiro rope saves, Chono hits the top rope shoulder
tackle followed by an STF. Chono climbs up the ropes again, but Shiro shoves
Tiger Hitori into the ropes, causing Chono to crotch himself. Shiro gives
Chono the Doug Furnas power hoist off the top rope followed by a powerbomb
and the top rope hip attack and another powerbomb for two. Yet another
powerbomb and Shiro slaps on the clover leaf twice. Shiro gets low blowed
to block a dragon suplex. Shiro catches him backslide for two. Chono takes
over with a yakuza kick and leg lariat. He puts on the Tieoh lock, but
Shiro hands on. The nWo-ites distract the ref, Chono hits him with a real
dickish low blow and puts him away with the Tieoh Lock.
Tenryu vs. Shinya Hashimoto:
You want all this? YOU NEED ALL THIS! Stiffness?
We got some of that. Tenryu and Hash decide to have a match where they
chop each other until one of them wets themselves. It's a 9.5 on the Flair
chest reddening scale (a ten would be drawing blood like Flair/Sting from
the first Clash of the Champions). Be bedazzled by Hashimoto's Ode to Pete
Townsend Gargantuan Windmill Chops of Pain! You'll wet YOURSELF as you
watch Tenryu dive FACE FUCKING FIRST into a Hashimoto leg lariat! Psicosis
would even say NO to that bump. Tenryu gets dumped on his head off the
second rope via a DDT as well. It ain't fancy, it's two guys beating each
other’s asses, your ass, my ass and the people down the street's asses.
And what else do you want?
!@!@!@!@! MICHINOKU LUCHA TV #11-
8/15/98.
(DEAN RASMUSSEN)
This was more SWANK than good because this is
ALLL about the Groupo Revolution invading the undercard and these guys
are really great for ROOKIES but just really good as WRESTLERS. We have
a future Fullblown Star in Shima Nobunaga- who is on the verge of becoming
the coolest megadick heel to come down the pike since Koji Kanemoto decided
that he hated everything. This was great Japanese debut and I hope the
Michinoku Pro/Groupo relationship continues because Groupo will eventually
save MPRO’s bacon if the keep it together. HELL, Fuji, Suwa and Nobunaga
ALREADY have the greatest group name in the history of wrestling- yes,
they are called CRAZY MAX.
Hoshikawa/ Fujita/ Seno vs. Shima Nobunaga/ Sumo
Fuji/ Judo Suwa:
PseudoShootBoy and future MP saving-grace Hoshikawa
kicks the New Kids In The Ring REEEAL hard and the three youngsters who
have escaped the clutches of WCW WorldWide for a few weeks do their best
Kaientai Deluxe impersonation- down to the TOGO surfer pose- but HEY! they
aren't Dick Togo, Shiryu and TAKA fuckin Michinoku so they can't be Total
Dicks At The Speed Of Light like their MP bastard predecessors, so it's
lot more methodical and pedestrian, but it's still pretty cool compared
to everything else in wrestling. Not That Big Japan Boy But Just As Scrawny
Fujita has a neat offense because it always seems to be about one foot
too low on every highspot (I missed the New Japan cut by four inches on
my vertical leap! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!) Seno is quite the trainee and Dick
Togo ain't there to train'em anymore. He takes a beating like a man though.
The coolest parts are when Nobunaga and Hoshikawa are in together because
Nobunaga isn't afraid to get kicked right in the face for Your Pleasure.
And, yes, you find it pleasing.... The WCW guys cheat like total bastards,
putting a really hurty triple headscrape assault that one would have to
see. They have a neato highspot train with the Groupo guys stealing every
highspot they could remember from Nitro and the MP guys going old school
Lucha with the straight topes. They do cool things and goofy things until
the final TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL Shima Nobunaga Love Machine Splash and the
crowd is perfectly appalled. Shima hops on the mike and says something
to the effect of "Eat my butt, you jerks." This was great.
CRAZY MAX highlights ensue with more cool Love
Machine Splashes, Seno and Fujita getting punked four ways to Tuesday and
Sumo Fuji applying the- AM I SEEING THIS RIGHT?!?- the CLAW!(?)!
Shima Nobunaga vs. Seno:
Seno is actually kinda neato, if not actually
good. He FEARLESSLY uses the little-known and little-used move that he
stole from Ronnie Twist- late of the Gone but NEVER forgotten AWF- the
Airplane Spin Somoan Drop. He also hits an extra-nasty released German
suplex that Nobunaga takes right on the head. Nobunaga goes all lucha on
his ass by reminding Seno that he had learned some wacky submissions while
in Mexico City. Shima then does a flying spinning kick right to Seno's
face- and we are all very pleased. Victory is a Love Machine splash away.
I forgive Seno's Argentine Backbreaker and can thus say this is
an okay little match.
Hoshikawa/ Yakushiji vs. Sumo Fuji/ Judo Suwa:
This is real good for a large portion of the
match and it also mixes in a few truly wretched passages. Yakushiji isn't
afraid to really suck at times and Sumo Fuji isn't afraid to suck a whole
lot at times. Other than the two minutes of Hoshikawa and Yakushiji blowing
absolutely everything and Sumo Fuji trying to get Our Boy Hoshikawa to
sell a frickin Claw, this was quite the highspeed little escapade with
the show being stolen by a TOTALLY Dick-like performance by Shima Nobunaga
who stands around at ringside cheating like an absolute motherfucker. Yakushiji
does a fantabulous tope that kills the hell out of Sumo who had just hit
a 1/8th DiBiase Powerslam. Judo Suwa is superterrific in this as he hits
some cool mid-grade powermoves and does the IMPOSSIBLE of making Yakushiji
look almost THREATENING. Hoshikawa kills the hell out of Sumo with one
of his Phat Ass Northern Light Suplexes that Yakushiji follows up with
his own new finisher (the Official Everybody In Japan Japanese Finisher
of 1998) Fisherman-Buster Suplex. Shima and the boys do their Not Ready
For The US tagline: a crotch-chop while shouting "FUCK YOU (something)."
I loved a large wad of this.
Gran Hamada vs. The Convict:
The Convict is the super great and super fat
as all hell Superboy, and Gran Hamada is the coolest Senior Citizen since
Roy Orbison. This is a basic old guy lucha match with nothing too spectacular-
THEN the Convict whips out the 700 pound moonsault and the Meatloaf: Bat-out-of-Hell
Senton, which leads up to Hamada hitting the coolest Swinging DDT on this
Island Earth. In one of the Bust-A-Gut and Lie-On-The-Floor Laughing moments
of 1998, the Lil Convict comes out and attacks Hamada. The Lil Convict
is Flying Kid Hachikari and it looks like Superboy and his son went Trick-or-Treating
dressed as the Convict. I was waiting for a twelve year in little black
pants and a Freddy Fender wig to make the save. MP is getting REALLY weird
in their quest to import invading heels to fill the gaping KDX void. I'd
stick with Shima Nobunaga and the boys...
Great Sasuke/Yakushiji vs. Super Delfin/Yone
Genjin:
This is an okay little heatless affair that is
really cool because it's the Great Sasuke's return to the ring and I think
he's a great wrestler. It pretty non-decrepit until the highspots start
kicking in, except for the ever-present Yone Genjin blowing a Sasuke rana
that Juventud Guerrerra was hitting perfectly when he was eleven years
old, wrestling as El Mathematicocito IV. Yakushiji and Sasuke hit the truly
swank double opposite corner- turnbuckle topes. Delfin spiritedly goes
through the motions as not even Sasuke's return can inspire him to do anything
but mail it in a little less. Sasuke tries a Tope Con Hilo and Delfin's
is WAAAAY out of position and Sasuke lands reeeeaaaal nasty on his shoulder.
Genjin has this great look of "Oh GREAT! King Dipshit's killed himself
and destroyed our jobs AGAIN!" and goes for the finish on Yakushiji. Postmatch,
the announcers Theisman the holy hell out of the landing and I had to love
that. Get this tape for the Shima Nobunaga Unbelievably-A-Rookie Goodness.
%$%$%$%$%$% NEW JAPAN COMMERCIAL
TAPE- 1/4/1995 Tokyo Dome Show:
(PHIL SCHNEIDER)
Quite the mixed bag, as these shows often are.
Some real crap, but some hidden gems too.
Shinjiro Ohtani vs. El Samurai:
Sort of a basic New Japan Juniors by-the-numbers
match. Tope here, top rope rana there, German suplex over here etc. Nothing
about this match was particularly eventful and all 62,500 people were pretty
much silent. This was before NJ Juniors got all skullcrushing but after
it had stopped being highflying so it just kind of mucked around looking
for a style. Not a bad match but nothing you really need to see.
Norio Honaga vs. The Great Sasuke:
Not very good at all. Honaga wrestles exactly
like "Hangman" Bobby Jaggers, dutifully working on the arm during his whole
offensive sequence. Busting out the super Mid South offense, armdrag and
twist, armwringer, hammerlock, knee on the elbow, armbar. This didn't really
set anything up, it appeared just to kill time. Sasuke spent most of the
match selling, and then got a little offense in, including only a single
tope-con-hilo. Now I have seen the Great Sasuke hit half a dozen insane
skull crushing highspots in a junior high school gym in Iwate in front
of 85 people, but then he tones it down for the 60,000 + in the Tokyo dome.
Honaga gets the win after he raises his knees during a Sasuke moonsault
and hits an Oklahoma roll. In the spectrum of all wrestling this wasn't
bad, but in the subset of Japanese juniors matches it was pretty wretched.
Akitoshi Saito/Kuniaki Kobayashi/ The Great Kabuki
vs. Akira Nogami/Takayuki Iizuka/Osamu Kido:
On paper this match has whisky barrel of suck
written all over it. I mean you have the ossified Great Kabuki standing
right there with two non-Koshinaka members of Heisei Ishingun. But this
match was surprisingly not horrible, Kido does some old man mat wrestling,
Saito kicks hard, Nogami and Iizuka (aka JJ Jacks) do every Southern Rockers
double team and everyone else stays out of the way.
Koji Kanemoto vs. Yuji Nagata:
This match rocked the house. It was kind of like
an incubatory BattlARTS match. With both guys kicking the shit out of each
other and working shootstyle on the mat. Koji was in pre-dick mode but
he still kicked Nagata right in the face, Koji also hit an awesome key
wrist lock counter of a bridged German suplex. The only thing that kept
this from ascending to wrestling paradise is the ending. Koji in midair
realizes, "Hey! I can't actually do a Shooting Star Press can I?", as he
doesn't get full rotation and lands right on his neck barely touching Nagata,
but still gets the pin. Everything but that 30 seconds ruled it, and this
is one of
the few must see matches on this card.
Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Manabu Nakanishi:
Both these guys are spotty and underachieving
now, this match was more than three years ago. Tenzan was clean shaven
and sort of wholesome looking (although he still had his worldclass bad
hair) and Nakanishi had yet to start mainlining High Voltage's urine, so
he looked less like a biology experiment. This match was basically a lot
of sloppy powermoves, including Tenzan hitting an Owen Hart Work the Smarts
piledriver, and a pretty good powerbomb. This wasn't horrible, but it sure
wasn't good. Tenzan wins with a fallaway slam. Aahh... the mixed bag that
is NJ Heavyweights.
Tiger Jeet Singh/Tiger Ali Singh vs. Shiro Koshinaka/Michiyoshi
Ohara:
I hate Tiger Jeet Singh more than any other wrestler
in the world- more than The Shat Ernest Miller, more than THE MONSTER MENG,
more than even Shark Tsuchiya. Singh does nothing, refuses to take bumps,
spotlight hogs, and is a con man and criminal. Fuck him and his degenerate
no-talent son. This match was worse then the worst ECW brawl, they wander
around and hit each other with umbrellas. Then they get in the ring a Jeet
gives Ohara the tongan death grip. Heinously bad, Ali had the Marty Janetty
tights on too, damn the lax Canadian real estate fraud laws.
Sting vs. Tony Palmore:
This is part the first round of the BVD Martial
Arts tournament, which is an appropriate name because it stunk like dirty
underwear. Tony Palmore is a fat black guy with an NWA-era Ice Cube jheri
curl, he is evidentially a kick boxer, although he looks like a short order
cook. Sting is renowned Martial Artist Steve Borden. This basically consisted
of Palmore throwing some poorly pulled punches, until Sting pushes him
over and puts on the Scorpion Deathlock (which is how Royce Gracie won
his first UFC if I am not mistaken). This was as bad as it sounds.
Antonio Inoki vs. Gerard Gordeau:
This match is another in a long tradition of
the egomaniacal Inoki forcing legit fighters to job to his decrepit ass.
Gordeau is a seedy Belgian guy with tattoos, who threw a lot of gentle
kicks until Inoki caught one and reversed it into a choke. Not as horrible
as the Sting match, because Inoki was at least making a half assed attempt
to work the style, still mind numbingly bad.
Riki Choshu/Yoshiaki Yatsu vs. Kengo Kimura/Tatsutoshi
Goto:
There is assuredly a long, shoot kick, eyeglass
company, gambling debt, Olympic boycott, legit heat in the back, booking
swerve, "I'm not a dog that lets you bite myself", Restruction Force, Japan
Pro-Wrestling, Heisei Ishingun, "If you can't beat me tonight, then you
know you'll never be able to beat me" Social Progress Pro Wrestling-intensive
explanation for why this match is historically compelling. However, all
I see is four really crappy old guys. When your best worker is the lesser
member of the Freedom Dogs, you are deep into it, Jack.
Sabu/Masa Chono vs. Tatsumi Fujinami/Junji Hirata:
Chono and Hirata do the big New Japan no-sell.
Sabu does all of his preposterous spots, including a big long table spot
which forces Hirata to lie there like a tool. Fujinami and Sabu take it
to the mat. Sabu hit some lame chair shots; Chono doesn't have his cool
shades; take a pass on this match unless you are a Sabu completest.
Road Warrior Hawk vs. Scott Norton:
Not as bad as it could have been. It was still
awful, but at least both guys sold, and Norton took a bump. They have a
goofy screwjobish ending. This match would have been FF material on Nitro,
and it looked real out of place at the Dome. Hawk is the crown prince of
puss.
Antonio Inoki vs. Sting:
Every single match on this tape was complete
and uncut, they showed every stomach churning second of Singh/Singh vs.
Koshinaka/Ohara, however this match- which was the co-main event- got clipped
from 10 minutes down to two. I can only imagine how horrible, how horrendous,
how business exposing this battle of the sucksters must have been. Unfortunately
we will never now the extent of the incompetence, they have spared us that.
Hiro Hase/Keiji Mutoh vs. Rick and Scott Steiner:
Probably the last watchable Steiner brother match
before the descent in to the swamp of suck the are currently mired in.
Scott Steiner was in the middle of his decline from great innovative worker
to steroid soaked circus freak, but he was not yet too inflated to do stuff.
Kenji Mutoh showed up to work, and Hiroshi Hase is the holy grail, the
man that can spin straw into gold. The middle portion meandered after a
neat amateur wrestling start. They kicked up for the end as Hase and Mutoh
kept reversing the Steiners big moves, as Hase hits a victory roll out
the set up for the top rope DDT, and Mutoh reverse a Steiner Square Driver
into a tombstone. The Steiners hit some big released German and Dragon
Suplexes, and Hase and Mutoh get the duke as Mutoh does the Shiryu German
suplex flip out and hits a drop kick into a Hase Northern Lights Suplex
for the win. Damn good, and another miracle to add on to Hase's application
for wrestling Sainthood.
Shinya Hashimoto vs. Kensuke Sasaki:
Kensuke Sasaki is basically New Japan's version
of Kenta Kobashi, a physically talented worker who can be carried to greatness
by superb workers, who can reign in his worse tendencies (no- selling in
both of them) but who isn't afraid to suck when in with equally undisciplined
wrestlers (there are less great workers and more undisciplined wrestlers
in New Japan than in All Japan, that is why Kobashi's canon of matches
is so much better). Hashimoto is New Japan's Kawada- insanely stiff, disciplined,
can pull good matches out of shit workers, and pull great matches out of
pretty good workers. This match was a prime example of Hashimoto's talent.
It was one of the best New Japan Heavyweight matches I have ever seen.
Both guys worked really stiff and it had great moves and psychology. Both
guys worked for submissions, Sasaki wanted to cinch his Stranglehold Gama,
and Hashimoto wanted to wear down the arm for the cross armbreaker. They
started by both punting each other, with Sasaki busting up Hashimoto's
nose early. Hashimoto starts to work on the arm by breaking Sasaki's lariat
attempt with a elbow right to the arm, he also hits a modified belly to
belly which lands Sasaki right on his shoulder. Sasaki hits powermoves
to set up the stranglehold, which Hashimoto is able to roll out of, the
end comes with Hashimoto escaping the Gamma for the third time, and hitting
a nasty flying spin kick (which is really impressive looking considering
how fat (and phat) Hashimoto is) and then dropping Sasaki right on his
head with the Fisherman's Buster. I would have like to see an arm submission
be used for the finish, because that is what Hashimoto seemed to be working
for, but that is a small quibble. YOU WANT CERTAIN PARTS OF THIS.
@$@$@$@$ THE SECOND ANNUAL EDDIE
GILBERT MEMORIAL BRAWL- 4/12/97
(PHIL RIPPA)
Be prepared for some hits and a whole bunch of
misses. RIP Eddie.
The Inferno Kid/"Surfer" Ray Odyssey vs. The
Downward Spiral:
The Downward Spiral consists of Twiggy Ramirez
and Exotic Adrian Hall. The Inferno Kid and Ray Odyssey are... well....
the Inferno Kid and Ray Odyssey. It is nice to see that Odyssey, who I
had not seen since his really horrible matches in Herb Abram's UWF, had
not improved at all. This match is also before the Inferno Kid blew out
his knee and he still ain't good. It is really difficult to figure out
which is more disturbing, the gothic Marilyn Manson thing that the Downward
Spiral is going for or watching these four wrestle. Somehow Odyssey manages
to get his fat ass over the top rope for a pescata. Did I mention that
this was a NWA Tag Title match? Yup, one of these teams is still going
be the champs by the end of the night. Imagine that. Fast Forwarding to
the end, literally and figuratively, the Inferno Kid hits a missile dropkick
that is slightly better than the one Odyssey had just hit to pin Ramirez.
The Brothers East LA, whoever the hell they are, jump the Beach Bullies
in an angle exactly similar to the Gangsters/Public Enemy angle right down
to the announcer going on about how they don't even wrestle in the NWA.
Glad to see that Dennis Corlouzzo can come up with some original ideas.
Steve Corino vs. Mr. Puerto Rico:
Mr. Puerto Rico has some name that I can't quite
catch, Ralph something. It really doesn't matter though. Mr. Puerto Rico
has just gotten his degree in "How to shrink his testicles" from the Scott
Steiner College of Steroid Abuse. Mr. Puerto Rico can barely walk so wrestling
is out of the question. The match is short and very painful.
The Black Scorpion vs. Donnie B.:
There is so much bizarreness surrounding this
match it is going to take me awhile to explain this. First of all, the
basis of this match is that Donnie B. is a manager. He used to manage Rick
Ratchet. They wrestled a loser-must-retire-match. Ratchet lost. If Donnie
B. loses this match then Ratchet can come back. Got That? Okay, then let
me explain this. The Black Scorpion is Ratchet. Just picture a really bad
Midnight Rider. Or maybe a really bad Yellow Dog. Anyway, this is really
bad. That is what you need to know for the match. The nonsense doesn't
end there though. They first try to get over that the Black Scorpion might
be Ric Flair. Nevermind that the guy wearing the costume is like 4'3" and
weighs 20 pounds. Okay, then Tommy Corlouzzo gets on "the stick" and says
that the Black Scorpion just got back from New Japan. So the announcers
spends time rattling off the entire New Japan roster as to who might be
under the mask. I am not making any of this up. The match is really bad
and has a horrible ending since Donnie B. rips off Ratchet's Black Scorpion
outfit but never notices that he has his regular tights on underneath them.
Doesn't see the Big RICK RATCHET written right across the front. Oh boy.
After like 10 minutes of trying, the Black Scorpion loads his mask and
gets the win. There you go.
Ian Rotten vs. Tommy Gilbert
Oh God, this can't possibly be good. And it's
not because- I guess in tribute to Eddie- these two decide to take it to
the mat. IAN ROTTEN TAKES IT TO THE MAT. It's like when Tommy Dreamer's
grandfather died so in homage there was a spurt where all the wrestlers
would WRESTLE Tommy Dreamer. So if you thought it couldn't get worse than
seeing New Jack supply a hip-toss, wait to you see Ian Rotten try to credibly
apply an armbar. This goes on for awhile. A real long time. A really really
long time. I think we might have ceded more land from Mexico. I lost my
patience after about 12 minutes and I have watched a big batch of bad wrestling
recently that I didn't fast forward through, but I had to fast forward
through the rest of the match. I think I saw Gilbert win with a spinning
toe-hold but it could have been both guys having seizures. I wasn't stopping
to find out.
"Dirty" Don Montoya vs. King Kong Bundy:
Montoya is a decent fat guy. You just have to
watch his feud with Reckless Youth to see some fatly goodness but he is
in the ring with Bundy who is a really fat old guy who still can't wrestle.
Next.
Reckless Youth vs. Lance Diamond vs. The Cheetah
Master:
After all that garbage, I was dying for some
wrestling. And my lord delivered, as he gives me this Triangle Match for
the North American Heavyweight title. I am a huge Reckless Youth fan but
it is hard not to love one of the best Indy wrestlers around. With Diamond
you never know what you are going to get- but in this case you get the
inspired, hard-working Lance Diamond. Cheetah Master is quite carryable
and can supply some flashes like his no-hands plancha that he entered the
match with. The pace and flow of the match worked as there is almost no
lack of action with two guys wrestling while the third catches a breather.
There is zero rest holds with a big batch of funky double team moves. Youth
brings his whole bag of aerial moves with him including a giant quebrada,
a slightshot somersault plancha, and his really big moonsault. Everyone
bumped and sold in great quantities which you can never be upset about.
There was some nonsense as there was too much of preventing someone from
pinning someone so you can pin them instead which makes absolutely no sense
when it is an elimination match. Plus there was too much Royce Profit and
Miss Patricia. Anyway, Cheetah Master gets eliminated first, as he should
when Youth does a version of the face front DDT, kinda like Edge's Downward
Spiral only Cheetah Master lands right on top of his head. Hey! look at
that. Diamond and Youth work a couple more minutes with Diamond kicking
out of Youth's Art Barr level Frog Splash. The end is really goofy and
out of nowhere as Diamond does a sloppy La Magistrel for the win. Oh well,
there is way too much good to focus on the bad.
Dory Funk Jr. vs. Dan Severn
This is for the NWA Heavyweight Title. Gotta
love the fact that Severn is running rough shot over all these Japanese
wrestlers yet wrestles to a draw with the 400 year old Dory Funk, Jr. I
really had no patience for this match, especially after watching Ian Rotten
and Tommy Gilbert wrestle the exact match an hour ago.
Buddy Landell vs. Doug Gilbert - Street Fight
Jim Cornette and Dawn Marie are with Landell
and in light of recent events (ie: an MCW show) they are not on my good
side. It is an average street fight meaning the prerequisite chairs and
tables. Landell does the mildest of blade jobs that I have ever seen. He
bleeds for like twenty seconds and that is it. Meanwhile, Gilbert in a
tribute to both his brother and himself does a king-sized blade job. Gilbert
and Landell decide to introduce themselves to the crowd as the wander through
every part of the arena. They don't do anything just wander around for
long periods of time. For some unknown reason they get back in the ring.
Look. Cornette is on the ring apron. Could be a match with Cornette that
has a screwy ending? No, that can't be. Gilbert wins after Landell and
Cornette get their signals crossed. Yeah, yeah for screwjobs. Did I mention
that Gilbert was bleeding?
Ace Darling vs. Flash Funk
Scorpio is in full Flash Funk mode. Fur coat,
fedora, those big ass boots. Either way, he can still wrestle. I have no
problems with Ace Darling. So this match has a whole lot of potential.
Now for the third time on the evening, there is a ton of mat wrestling
but the big difference is that it works with these two. You have to love
the elaborate take downs that appear out of nowhere. They’re not supreme
lucha moves but that is some influence and it is definitely watchable.
The camera work gets a little shoddy at times but you can make out the
point where Darling catches his head on the ring apron during a plancha.
Ouch. The two trade near falls. I personally like the Funk 360 leg drop.
There is this one big problem with this match. That is Buddy Landell. For
whatever reason, Landell comes down and interferes and helps Funk get the
win. Funk and Darling then punk Landell. Hey! give him one for me.
Goldust vs. Derek Domino:
Who did Eddie Gilbert piss off before he died
to get this as the main event for a tribute card for himself? I have no
love for Dustin Runnels in any incarnation. This would not be the match
that I would be shelling out money for. For me, seeing Runnels bloated
no-talent ass in face paint in some transsexual gimmick is not making me
rush out of my house. But for the rubes, it is a big name so what the hell
do I know?
@#@#@#@#@ JAPAN VALE TUDO OPEN 1994
(Mike NAIMARK)
Welcome to my first article written for the esteemed
and damn-near legendary Death Valley Driver Video Review. Come with me
now to the land where hurracanranas and tope-con-hilos give way to rear
naked chokes, ankle picks, and good old-fashioned fists to the face. And
lets face it, any sport where Hulk Hogan couldn't even contend for the
women's title can't be all bad, could it?
In 1994, Japan has a respectable history of submissions
fighting and limited-rules mixed-martial- arts events. This event, however,
marked the first fully-sanctioned no-holds-barred (NHB) tournament in Japan.
The event itself was arranged and promoted by Yori Nakamura and Satoru
Sayama (a name which might have been mentioned in this publication before,
I'd wager). True to the tradition of Japanese combat events, the promoters
spared no expense in insuring that the production values of this show rivaled
those of any heavyweight boxing championship. But the big attraction here
is the Japanese debut of the man who is probably the biggest legend in
the world of NHB, the undefeated Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu master, Rickson Gracie.
The event is an 8-man tournament held inside a boxing-style ring, with
a hard textured mat. Each fight consists of two 8-minute rounds, and the
fight can only end in one of three ways: Knockout (count of 10 if standing),
Submission (ie "tap out"), and Corner throwing in the towel. All techniques
are legal except biting, eye gouging, and headbutts. All fighters must
wear "grapple gloves", slightly padded fingerless gloves that are mainly
used to protect the hands of the fighters. I have a pair, and they won't
protect *anybodies* face from damage, believe me!
Bud Smith (195lbs, USA kickboxer) vs. Chris Bass
(225lbs, France karate):
Two stand-up strikers demonstrating their similar,
yet different techniques. Karate has the tradition and mystical reputation,
while kickboxing has the American-style boxing training supplemented by
karate and muay-thai kicking techniques. Both men circle each other cautiously,
but when Smith stops and circles to his left, Bass foolishly does the same,
and walks right into a straight right hand that everybody in the arena
saw coming. Bass hits the canvas, wondering why his sensei never told him
not to circle into your opponent's power hand. Must've missed that kata.
The ref counts to 8, and Bass gets to his feet, looking visibly shaken.
When the fight restarts, Smith immediately charges in and clobbers Bass
with another wicked right hand that sends the Frenchman sprawling and opens
up a nasty cut under his left eye. The ref could've counted to 100. Here's
a lesson for all you dojo queens out there: all the qi and katas and mystical
bullshit in the world won't protect your face from a right cross. Your
winner in a mere 56 seconds, Bud Smith.
Kenji Kanaguchi (178lbs Japan, shooto) vs. Jan
Lomulder (183lbs, France, karate):
Lomulder is announced as being the World Karate
Council (WKC) light-heavyweight champion, which means he probably has enough
in-ring experience to avoid the fate of the last French karate master to
fight tonight. Kanaguchi's style is shooto, or shoot fighting, which combines
submissions grappling with limited striking techniques. Since karate has
almost no emphasis on groundfighting, Kanaguci decides that his best move
would be to take Lomulder to the ground, where he can't kick or punch effectively.
So as soon as the fight starts, Kanaguchi charges across the ring and shoots
for a single-leg takedown. Lomulder saw it coming, though, and manages
to hop back to the ropes for support before hammering the back of Kanaguchi's
head with a series of rights and lefts. Kanaguchi finally manages to unbalance
Lomulder and take him down, but the Frenchman prevents him from getting
an advantageous position and starts throwing some vicious rabbit punches
(punches to the back of the neck, illegal in boxing) that force Kanaguchi
to roll out of the ring. Normally when this happens, the referee moves
the fighter in the ring to the far side to allow the other fighter to re-enter.
This referee, probably borrowed from a local pro-wrestling promotion,
allows Lomulder to stand right where he was,
and when Kanaguchi tries to crawl under the bottom rope, Lomulder wacks
him in the face with a couple of whip kicks and a stomp. Oh, NOW the referee
asks Lomulder to move. On the restart, Kanaguchi again goes for the legs,
but Lomulder keeps his balance and lands half-a-dozen nasty elbow strikes
to the back of the head. Kanaguchi is down! But Lomulder ain't through!
Some stomps to the skull and a kick to the face knock him out of the ring.
ITS A KNOCKOUT! Lomulder celebrates in his corner! BUT WAIT! The referee
is allowing Kanaguchi to get to his feet and continue the fight! Lomulder
grudgingly moves in for the kill. He hits a straight left hand lead, a
muay-thai kick to the knee, and a sharp right hand, and Kanaguchi is down
again, and now he's bleeding from above his left eye. You'd think he was
toast, but as the Frenchman moves in for another stomp to the cranium,
Kanaguchi grabs his lead leg and rolls around for a kneebar! This is the
position he's wanted to be in all night! If he can lock out the knee, Lomulder
is history! Well, he can't. Lomulder pulls himself to his feet and kicks
Kanaguchi right in the face while he's on the ground, and the referee stops
the fight. The Frenchman has won! Perhaps all of the French aren't beret-
wearing, baguette-scarfing pansy boys after all!
Dave Levicki (291lbs USA WingChun) vs. Kazuhiro
Kisayamagi (168lbs, JP, shooto):
Levecki is huge. Kisayamagi could easily pass
for TAKA Michonoku's wicked clone. In fact, the resemblance is sorta disquieting.
Levecki represents Wing Chun, the legendary Kung Fu of mystical monks who
shoot fireballs and can float. Kisayama is probably thinking, "Hey, this
kung-fu guy never practiced grappling! My shoot fighting submissions will
make him squeal like a whipped dog!" What he SHOULD have been thinking
was, "Geez, this guy is HUGE!". Kisayama shoots right in for a double-leg
takedown, and Levecki proceeds to beat the living tar out of the back of
his head. Kisayama goes down to the canvas, and Levecki follows him with
several more crushing right hands to the head. Thanks for showing up, kid.
Here's your t-shirt. Winner by KO, Dave Levecki.
Yoshinori Nishi (175lbs, Japan, JiuJitsu) vs.
Rickson Gracie (185lbs Brazil, GJJ):
Nishi is something of a martial arts legend in
Japanese JiuJitsu circles. While the flashy style of karate and kung-fu
captured the fancy of the marital arts community in the 70s and 80s, Nishi
proudly carried the banner of the Japanese submissions art, JiuJitsu. But
despite his status in Japan, Rickson Gracie is the man that everyone came
to see. Rickson Gracie represents not only his family technique of Gracie
Jiu Jitsu, originated by his father Helio, but also the legendary Gracie
record in no-holds-barred. No member of the Gracie family has lost a no-rules
match in over 40 years, and Rickson himself comes to the ring with a proclaimed
record of over 300 victories with not a single defeat (by comparison, Ken
Shamrock holds a NHB record of 6-2-2. Most Dangerous Man my Aunt Fannie).
Rickson starts the match with a tried-and-true technique that you'll see
in most Gracie matches; circling and throwing sharp front-leg kicks that
are designed not to injure the opponent, but to distract him for the shoot.
True to form, Nishi lifts his lead leg ti block the kick, and Rickson immediately
dives in and grabs a waistlock before dragging Nishi to the ground. Rickson
is on top of Nishi, and Nishi has him in the "half-guard" defensive position,
which keeps Rickson from "mounting" him (ie sitting on his chest). Rickson
is patient, however, and peppers Nishi's
kidneys and ribs with sharp right hands. A moment
of weakness, and Rickson works his leg free and gets the full mount, the
second most dominant position in fighting! Nishi immediately flips over
on to his stomach to avoid a rain of blows to his face, and now he's given
Rickson his back, the MOST DOMINATING position in fighting. Rickson ain't
gonna blow a chance like this. After a few punches to the back of the head,
Rickson sinks in a rear-naked choke, and Nishi taps. Rickson just took
out one of the most respected JiuJitsu teachers in Japan, and made it look
easy. Winner - Rickson Gracie
Bud Smith vs. Jan Lomulder:
(Semi-final) It is announced that Lomulder has
withdrawn due to a broken bone in his hand. There are no alternate fighters
in this tournament. Bud Smith advances. Maybe the French ain't so tough
after all.
Dave Levecki vs. Rickson Gracie:
(Semi-final) Somehow, Levecki has managed to
break a bone in his hand, too, but will continue. I don't doubt that after
Lomulder withdrew, the promoters waved a few extra yen at Levecki to tough
it out. Like a predatory animal, Rickson can smell the weakness of his
foe, and goes right to work. Rickson waistlocks Levecki, and to escape,
Levecki dives out of the ring and hits the floor hard. He's very slow getting
up, and doesn't look like he wants to fight. Rickson circles and jabs,
waiting for Levecki to unbalance himself. When Levecki attempts a counterpunch,
Rickson shoots in with a double-leg and takes him down right into the mounted
position. Levecki flips over to his stomach to avoid being punches in the
face, by Rickson simply punches the back of his head. *Hard*. And often.
Levecki wisely taps after absorbing way too much punishment. Winner - Rickson
Gracie.
Bud Smith vs. Rickson Gracie:
(The Final) Bud Smith might as well be fighting
an army. After he throws one pathetic leg kick, Rickson takes him right
to the mat, attains the mount, and beats the shit out of Bud until he taps.
THIS Bud got smoked. Winner - Rickson Gracie After the tournament, Rickson
is presented with a check for 5 million Yen. Quote: "I am not confident
about myself. I am confident in Gracie Jiu Jitsu."
#$#$#$#$#$#$# BIG JAPAN TV.10/31/97
(DEAN RASMUSSEN)
SUE ME. I'm a dorkhead. I love Big Japan more
than ANYBODY should and was WAAAY too stoked when we got the four different
episodes simultaneously from LOREFICE and Billy and I ALWAYS have to watch
the Big Japan immediately. I mean, HELL!- it's WEIRD!
Shadow VII vs. Zumbido:
Zumbido is totally king-sized as he isn't afraid
to just DIE hitting a half dozen witheringly hurty Lucha Big Money Bump
Highspots in front of four hundred seedy Big Japan Vampire fans. Shadow
VII (HEY! I've seen his brother, Shadow V, where are the other five Shadows?)
is deeply into being the Japanese equivalent of Karloffe LaGarde Jr- he's
unabashedly unspectacular and his sole function is to be landed upon without
hurting the knee of the luchadore about to crush him. The fact that he
is dressed like Mr. Pogo doesn't really reveal what a very, very okay worker
that he is. He does a nice over-the-shoulder armdrag. Zumbido does all
the high-stress stuff, hitting a fabulous Moonsault and a positively SUPER-ASTROESQUE
over-the-top-rope Somersault Senton to the floor. Zumbido also hit the
truly SWANK Full Extension, Leg-Assisted Violencia bump that needs 2 B
seen 2 B B-lieved. Shadow VII gets the ironic win with the world's most
Tenryu-like powerbomb. Zumbido is more fun than all heck.
Aya Koyama/Neftaly vs. Miho Kawasaki/Nana Fujimura:
Neftaly does a nice tope in this. I'm guessing
she trained either Kawasaki or Fujimura because one of them was all Lucha-intensive
for a second there. This wasn't long enough to hate. Kinda sloppy but nothing
to turn my stomach and this seemed like three rookies and unfortunately
dressed lady luchadore well after the bloom is off the rose. This didn't
suck, so more power to them, I say.
Tomoaki Honma vs. Gennosuke Kobayashi:
The more I see Honma the more I like him and
this is a cool little match if you are WAY too into Japanese indie stylings.
It's a weird clash because the clash between these two's styles ISN'T as
harrowing as one would think: Honma is a hard-kicking BattlARTS-style matboy
who is prone to goofy flights of fancy into the realm of upper echelon
Lucha highspots; Kobayashi is a Kendo Nagasaki trainee so he is really
US Pro-style based- as are most of the Big Japan trainees (and I think
that will be a strong point for these guys when they develop into wrestlers
of note, because they start off psychologically sound.) Honma works super
stiff at the beginning and goes through a series of super neato submissions.
Kobayashi counters with his US Pro-style offense and they then meet in
the middle as the start to mesh the common ground of their styles: the
BattlARTS-style boys can run the ropes and hit highspots, the Big Japan
weirdos can sell and work stiff. After Honma finally succumbs to his secret
lucha leanings and hits a big old top rope Sunset Flip, Kabayashi feels
the shooter in him emerge as he does a super nasty released German onto
Honma's shoulder. Eventually Honma's submission attempts pay off, but this
was so NOT a shootstyle match. This was a whole bunch of styles wadded
up into one. And it worked for the most part.
Kishin Kawabata vs. Ryushi Yamakawa:
Yamakawa continues his retirement from an early
wheelchair as he continues to wrestle in some of the best Mid-Atlantic
Championship Wrestling matches of 1998. Big Japan is freakin weird. THERE!
beneath the torn and bleeding exterior of the rookie death match sensation-
Ryushi Yamakawa- lurks..... DON KERNODLE! This was Don Kernodle vs. Steve
Muzlin but five times stiffer. But the wrestling was just as vanilla, and
it was also as psychologically sound, so I was sufficiently into this because
I love that style when done right and this was good basic US Pro style
wrestling. Yamakawa sells really well for a guy who has been powerbombed
off a scaffold onto an unbreakable table before. Kawabata is a WAR heavyweight
wannabe. HAHAHA! Oh I kid the Kishinator! He's got your basic batch of
Japanese midcard heavyweight powermoves and they both aren't afraid to
work stiff as all hell in this. They spend the first five minutes head-butting
each other a whole bunch and they stop it before it gets annoying and they
go into a bunch of moves on the mat and then Kawabata beats the holy bejeebees
out of Yamakawa with a chair. This was pretty good but too clipped. Kawabata
wins with the Lumpiest La Majistral in the pantry. For Hardcores only.
Yoshihiro Tajiri/Minoru Fujita vs. Masayoshi
Motegi/Makoto Saito:
HEY! It's the Mr. Ferly of Japanese Wrestling,
the astoundingly Mediocre To Good Masayoshi Motegi! You forget how cool
Tajiri is until you see him in a match like this where he synthesizes Lucha
and Shootstyle elements so seamlessly as he takes Eternal Victim Motegi
to the mat. Makoto Saito is one of my favorite Big Japan Junior punks because
he seems like a legitimately seedy punkass bastard. He kicks really hard
and he punches the waiflike Minoru Fujita right in the head. He and Tajiri
kick each other real hard for a little while until Tajiri gets all freaky
with the Shootlucha as he hits a weird ass roll up to swing big mo towards
he and his emaciated partner. Motegi eventually gets in and stinks up the
place on the way to hitting a really nice Nodawa as the Babe Laufenberg
of Puroresu can't kill the forty pound lil dynamo called Fujita. Finally,
Tajiri begins murdalizing Saito with two SWANK Spinning Doctor Bombs and
then makes him submit to the dopiest lucha submission ever to grace the
shores of Japan. Motegi isn't good and he isn't really bad, but it he wasn't
good in this match and he was enough to make this quite not overly good.
Plus not enough of Tajiri and Saito. Yeah. Okay.
Kendo Nagasaki/Yuichi Taniguchi vs. Takashi Ishikawa/Shunme
Matsuzaki:
This took a few minutes to really suck. The really
old guys- Nagasaki and Ishikawa- didn't blow-up completely until about
eight minutes in so they did some mat wrestling that was straight out of
the Nelson Royal playbook. The young guys- Matsuzaki and Taniguchi- didn't
start blowing endless spots until about the nine minute mark. But when
the Whip of Suck came down on these four, no one was spared, including
the viewer. Not stomach-churning or infuriating but definitely not good.
Great Pogo/ Shadow V vs. Great Nakamaki/Great
Kojika ( Dry Ice Casket Death Match):
Hey, here's the match that pays Big Japan's bills
for this show and keeps their name mentioned by creepy guys at indie shows
all over the US. Boy, this wasn't good at all. There are certain criteria
that have to be met to achieve the state of Good Garbage Match: YOU must
have one guy who will die and die and die in an attempt to top Cactus Jack
in 1995's King Of The Death Match Tournament. Big Japan has one guy who
was crazy as Cactus Jack when it came to bumps that NOONE with a functional
brainstem would try, and that was Yamakawa and he's in the undercard now,
participating in legitimate wrestling matches that are infinitely more
interesting than this industrial load of crap. The most they can muster
is Nakamaki, who bleeds a lot. But Big Fucking Deal, I-I-I can bleed a
lot, just let me carve the turkey at Thanksgiving. Blood without wrestling
is as horrible as Dynamic Charismatic MicWork without wrestling- it replaces
something cool instead of delivers something cool. YOU must have something
dangerous involved. Fire, barbed-wire, scaffolds, cages, chairs- these
are good in the right hands. DRY ICE? Mr. Pogo actually picks some up and
tries to make Kojika eat it. This is about as dangerous as a Barefoot-
Stub Your Toe Match or a Brush Your Teeth And Immediately Drink Orange
Juice Match: the team with the highest threshold for being annoyed WINS!
Pogo's router bits on his drill is a weak replacement for something cool
like big bump or some decent ass-stomping. This delivered nothing and really
really sucked. A lame ending to fair little tape.
!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!ATHENA: THE SPIRITS
OF LADIES SPORTS: ALL JAPAN WOMEN TV 8/23/98.
(RAY DUFFY)
The funny thing about AJW is the fact despite
the fact they're supposedly in financial ruin, they've got plenty of money
to spend on studio sets and opening credits. The new open is now of a space
fighter flying into a carrier, a woman hopping out and flying off on a
rocket board into an arena. Yet the still have the rattiest ring cover
ever.
Zap I vs. Miho Wakizawa:
(Gran Prix Semi Final #1) Miho jumps I at the
bell and takes it to the floor. ZAP takes control with chair shots. It
seems to be pretty back and forth. Z-I uses the kendo stick a whole bunch.
Wakizawa gets double stomped a whole bunch. Maekawa interferes at one point
on put it's not enough. Z-I wins.
Yumiko Hotta vs. Manascreami Toyota:
(Semi Final #2) This is also clipped. They do
a segment where they both palm thrust each other, Hotta however, breaks
it up with headbutts that are just awesome because you can hear the dull
thud of skull meeting skull. Toyota starts doing a bunch of suplexes, she
goes for the Japanese Ocean Cyclone suplex, but Hotta turns it into a cross
arm breaker, but Toyota keeps it blocked, rolls it over into a jack knife
hold and to get the win.
ZAP-I vs. Manascreami Toyota:
Z-I tries to use the stick early, but fails.
Toyota gets attacked by ZAP-W which sets up Z-I using a chain on her and
more or less giving her a spanking with the stick. I guess she's now a
member of the Zeta Sorority. Z-I hits a nice second rope spring turn around
somersault senton. There's a bunch of stick work and interference by ZAP,
including a duel caning spot. I guess she's not in the Zeta Sorority, they
don't take whiners. After a whole bunch of ZAP double teaming, Maekawa
interferes on Toyota's behalf so Manami can do her springboard plancha.
Watching Toyota do these is like watching Evel Knievel jump buses. You
know it's only a matter of time before she crashes and burns. Manami takes
control, goes for a pin, Z-W interferes and goes stick crazy, including
a whack to the ass of the referee, accidentally hits Z-I in the head leading
to Manami's straitjacket suplex for the win.
The Secret Stories- Takao Inoue, Cuty Suzuki,
Hikari Fukuoka, Kanako Motoya, Jaguar Yokota, Yuko Kosugi, Chiharu and
Yasha Kurenai:
In the last few shows, AJW has a segment where
they have a have a bunch of women on a panel and ask them a bunch of questions.
What most of these women have in common is that they've all done a bunch
of nude/semi-nude spreads, except for Kurenai who's there plugging a movie
that she appears in, which also has an appearance by Yoshiaki Fujiwara.
Apparently, Jag's the life of the panel. Takako has a picture with her
crotch sticking out (and covered with a dot) which is subject of a conversation.
One of the many segments I will have to probably go back and review once
I stop being lazy and learn Japanese. They do a segment where they do promo
stuff for L-1 and the Jr. All Stars Show. They also do a segment with Yoshimi
Asada and Haruka Nishimoto, the two girls who wear little tops and lean
forward before each ad break (the Athena girls, I guess) do a segment calling
"Looking for the Athena" which I guess is them doing visits to well known
women's athletes, in this case, it's to a Tae Kwon Do Dojang to visit Minako
Hatekeyama, who was on the national Tae Kwon Do team in Japan in the 70's
I think. They take a class. The sad part is, after one class they kick
stiffer than most of the WCW Heavyweights.
Manascreami Toyota vs. Shinobu Kandori:
(WWWA Title match) At the bell, Toyota offers
a handshake and uses it to get Kandori in a sleeper. Toyota goes all highflying
with limited success. Toyota hits a few palm thrusts and it's Kandori down!
Kandori down! Of course, she's just playing as she sells like she's hurt
until the 8 count and then pops up fresh as a daisy, which was pretty funny.
Toyota hits her springboard trip while you do it plancha and a top rope
drop kick and then a moonsault for a two. Toyota goes for the Ocean Cyclone,
Kandori blocks it and does the rolling cradle. Apparently she's developed
a sense of humor. Toyota gets in control again, Kandori gets all shoot
style going for arm bars, Toyota counters with a figure four. Kandori gets
in control, gets Toyota down and punches her, puts her in the spinning
sleeper. Toyota gets in and counters a move with a rolling cradle which
looks real bad since you can see Kandori pushing along to help the cradle
continue rolling. Toyota does a moonsault that eats boots and Kandori hits
a la majistral and then locks in a Teioh Lock, which Toyota rope saves
out of. Kandori with a powerbomb for a two. Toyota hits a sunset flip out
of a powerbomb attempt, tries a running move but gets nailed with a clothesline.
Toyota hits a tiger suplex for two. She goes for her straight jacket though
the legs suplex, but Kandori blocks it and drops her with some palm thrusts.
Kandori goes for the cross arm breaker, Toyota almost escapes, but Kandori
reverses again and Toyota has to rope break. Toyota tries to do a springboard
into a sunset flip, but totally screws it up. Kandori has her with another
cross armbreaker, which Toyota blocks. Kandori sent to the floor, top rope
drop kick to the floor followed by a trip on the top rope somersault senton
onto an unbreakable table by Toyota. Toyota with the Ocean Cyclone for
2. She goes for it again, Kandori cross arm breakers out of it, Toyota
counters with the move she beat Hotta with, but Kandori escapes. Straight
Jacket through the legs suplex for two. Toyota goes for the Ocean Cyclone
again, Kandori victory rolls out into a cross arm breaker/leg lock type
thing for the win. An ok match, mostly for the humor of Kandori doing moves
you won't expect her to do. I still don't understand how people can say
Toyota is the greatest women's wrestler ever as she's real sloppy. How
people can praise her and pan Sabu is beyond me. They're in the same boat.
#$#$#$#$#$#$ OZ ACADEMY SPECIAL
6/21/98
(DEAN RASMUSSEN)
This is the tape of the show that Mayumi Ozaki's
renegade promotion ran with wads of help from GAEA and JWP. God Bless Glenn.
The first twenty minutes is a whole lot of yakking and highlights and history
n crap.
Mayumi Ozaki vs. Bad Nurse Nakamura:
Rie Nakamura is doing her Bad Nurse Nakamura
gimmick again these days and since she is an FMW ex-patriot who epitomized
the Redneck Queen Ass-kicker ethic that she and Miwa Sato perfected while
knee-deep in the sketchiness of the FMW Women’s division as the second
tier past the divine Kudo and the semi-divine Combat Toyoda, I was all
receptive to her arrival as a GAEA regular. OOPS! I forgot! She's not very
good. OZ drags her to a watchable match and instills some actual psychology
and tries to stabilize the frazzled, scared, and outclassed former victim
of assorted barbed-wire and fire assaults. Barbed-wire is easy. Good wrestling
matches are hard. Mayumi Ozaki can do both type of matches better than
most anyone on earth and I contend that Oz is THE best at Death Matches
in the world. But it's Bad Nurse Nakamura, not Megumi Kudo. Might as well
set your sites a little lower.
Sugar Sato vs. Dynamite Kansai:
This match sucked. Kansai is quite problematic.
If she is in with Aja, Hotta, Lioness, Ozaki, Hokuto or Chigusa, she knows
how to react: sell like a professional wrestler. When in with anybody else,
she sells like MENG if Meng felt guilty about no-selling. In this match,
she is totally baffled as to how to sell for Sugar. "Is Sugar bigtime now?
She’s only in her second year? Is she the second coming of Sakie Hasegawa
or a glorified Cutie Suzuki? Ah, she's a lot prettier than me, I'll sell
like she's Tanny Mouse..." is what was going through Dynamite's pretty
little head. Sugar didn't help by blowing tons of stuff and kicking like
a pansy for WHATEVER reason. It's farking DYNAMITE KANSAI, for God's sake.
She'd kick YOU really hard. BOY! This was All around ungood.
Chikayo Nagashima/ Reiko Amano vs. Toshie Uematsu/
Sonoko Kato:
This match fucking ROCKED. When did Reiko Amano
become so awesome? She is absolutely FRENETIC in this match as she flies
from ungodly angles and hits the coolest tricked-out submissions on earth-
which she tops off with the Tope Of The Month. Toshie Uematsu is definitely
back from the chasm of injury and self-doubt. She is the main reason that
this match worked because they set it all up early as Toshie Uematsu plays
to both of her opponents strengths- going to the mat with Amano like a
motha fukka and then taking it straight to Arena Mexico with Chikayo Nagashima.
Welcome to a wad of versatility, courtesy of the no-longer slumping Toshie
Uematsu. The other big story is the seething rage betwixt Amano and fellow-shootstyle-gimmicked-and-sudden-hotty
Sonoko Kato- as this is just as fun-filled as Meiko Satomura hating the
living hell out of Sugar Sato and Sugar being a real bitch about the whole
thing. This is why Inter-promotional is GOOD. These two should definitely
get the chance to kick the hell out of each other in a singles match before
too long. They roll out of the cool mid-section of total Hatred and Submissions
and go Full-Goose All Japan Women 1993 for the superfun extended finish.
Luckily the formula for the finishes is endless saves as opposed to endless
kick outs and they did some REALLY tricky and intricate sequences which
gave a lot of good Lucha matches a run for the money. Needless to say,
this was pretty fucking stiff; what NEEDS to be said is that almost all
of the class of Satomura, Sugar and Uematsu are quickly arriving because
I'd put this match up against anything else I've seen this year and it
wouldn't pale to anything. YOU WANT ALLLLL THIS. (AND When did Sonoko Kato
become the new Mima Shimoda in terms of being an ass-kicking Supervixen.
Our lil punkin has blossomed into quite the Russ Meyeresque spine-snapper.
Golly! She went from being cuddly to being ALL THAT! WOO-HOO! )
Kyoko Inoue/ Rie Tamada vs. Sugar Sato/ Mayumi
Ozaki:
Kyoko Inoue has decided that the Toyota method
of the aging highflyer is undignified so she has actually started to transform
into something within her giant weight range- so she is become a hardass
and more dangerous wrestler. She picks her spots now (I still can't get
over the table spot from the Lioness/Kyoko match. That was a Whole Lotta
Rosie going through a table on the floor from the top turnbuckle. Ya gotta
love will to pull THAT off. Maybe Kyoko rules the goddam earth afterall.)
Rie Tamada is all flippy and tricky and stuff, but she hasn't totally broken
out into the shining light of awesomeness in NeoLadies like her former
partner over in Arsion- Yumi Fukawa. Fukawa wasn't afraid to bring out
the fact that she can really kick folk's asses as opposed to just being
the brightest star in Japanese Schoolgirl fetish Midnight Choker constellation.
Sugar Sato blows big batches of stuff and Kyoko is too big for Sugar to
work with. Oz tries to turn this into something but this turns to poo.
Get this tape for the one tag match because that DOES truly rule it like
a motherfacka.
$%$%$%$%$%$ BIG JAPAN-5/1/98.
(DEAN RASMUSSEN)
Bufalo Salvaje vs. Tadahiro Fujisaki;
Bufalo has a horse on his mask. He's your basic
luchadore trying to do stuff with a scrub who has no idea how to work the
style. He does a nice Senton to the floor. Salvaje actually gets in some
neato goofball lucha matwork and comes off as a poorman's Dos Caras- which
isn't bad at all for Big Japan.
Yuichi Yaniguchi/Gennosuke Kobayashi vs. Masayoshi
Motegi/Makato Saito:
Hey! Gennosuke Kobayashi is starting to grow
on me. He's the guy in Big Japan with the thermos and he isn't afraid to
really not hurt you because he ain't afraid to work and he's all whimsical
and shit doing his powermoves. Motegi ain't gonna leave me alone this month
but luckily he's leaning towards Good in this and it's also clipped straight
to hell. Yaniguchi is one of those really fat guys in Big Japan and he
does the tope onto Motegi that looked like a Buick Skylark being driven
off a cliff. Saito is really cool but is pretty much here so that the big
star Motegi doesn't do the job and kill all of his blazingly white hot
heat. More
Saito already. And less Motegi. KAY? The Kobayashi
push CONTINUES!
Ryuji Yamakawa/Tomoaki Honma vs. Mamoru Okamoto/Mach
Junji:
This was TOO all kinds of cool to be as hacked
up as it was. Okamoto is the COOLEST. He's from BattlARTS and he's WAAY
not afraid to kick you right in the face. He wears tiny red pants. Okamoto
and Mr. WhompAss Honma trade some weak kicks to set up Honma's Royce Gracie
Brazilian Tope Con Hilo that was- HELL!- pretty fucking spectacular. Mach
Junji goes all highflying with a pescado as the shooters go all lucha on
our asses. Yamakawa enters the fray with Run-Up-The-Ropes Plancha that
leads to a bunch of wrestling by the former Deathmatch superstar. God,
I bet Nakamaki wishes he could hit a Butterfly Suplex Facebuster as cool
as the one Yamakawa kills Mach Junji with. Why was this clipped all to
hell when...
Aya Koyama/ Miho Kawasaki/ Neftaly vs. Miho Wakizawa/
Kayo Noumi/ Noriko Toyota:
... they show every second of THIS? Neftaly is
an aging luchadore and she looks like she was probably quite the looker
back in the day. She's wearing the same way revealing clothes forty pounds
later. It's disturbing. It's like seeing one of my aunts in a Xena- Warrior
Princess get-up. Uhuhuhuhuh..... I'll have bad dreams. I have no idea who
the rest of these youngsters are but they seem to be having a good time
as they lightheartedly smile after blowing something, so they all seem
lovable enough. Definitely looked like it was more fun to do than to watch.
This goes on about 75 minutes according to the clock in my mind.
Katsumi Usuda vs. Minoru Fujita
Usuda is the COOLEST. He's from BattlARTS and
he's not afraid to kick you right in the face. Fujita is scrawny and is
custom-built for the ass-kicking that ensues. The first part of the match
is Usuda twisting Fujita's spindly legs which moves the match quite smoothly
into Usuda kicking Fujita in the face REALLY hard for a while. Fujita does
this weird submission hold where he drapes Usuda over the ropes while Fujita
pulls on his head and his ankles. They then do a foray into highspots as
Fujita gets a couple of topes in. When they hit the ring Usuda and Fujita
take it to the mat and Usuda is a pro- he makes Fujita- who would be a
dead ringer for Kanemoru if they could ever get Kanemoru off the gas- look
credible and threatening on the mat. After establishing that Fujita is
good on the mat by setting up Fujita's assorted submission spots, Usuda
says, "Minoru. You must come to me. You must receive your ass-whippin'."
Usuda starts beating the shit out of the spunky 87 pounder and hits a Urican
and the end would seem logical now as a dead Fujita stumbles about on his
feet after a nine count- BUT NO! That's the beauty of BattlARTS! There's
always the pro style twist. Fujita hits a nasty German suplex after Usuda
misses a roundhouse kick to finish Fujita off. After some nearfalls and
nifty triple submission combo (Fujiwara armbar into wristlock into cross
armbreaker), Usuda goes for another roundhouse kick to finally kill his
emaciated nemesis and misses again. Fujita hits another German but Usuda
yamazakis it into a wristlock for the submission. This was good despite
the fact that it didn’t ever hit the Good BattlARTS Match level of insane
kicks and blood-curdling stiffness. Still- Usuda did his job, he made Fujita
look really good before putting him away and Fujita did his job which was
to stand there and get kicked really hard in the face so I could watch.
Koji Kitao/Isao Takagi/Osamu Tachihakari/Tatsumi
Kitihara vs. Kendo Nagasaki/Kishin Kawabata/ Shunme Matsuzaki/Daikokubo
Benkei:
Oh MAN! A RASMUSSEN DREAM MATCH! The Lumpy War
Heavyweights INVADE!! They must have heard that it was All-You-Can-Eat-Ribs
night at Big Japan! Tachihakari has never been lumpier! Benkei has never
been slower! Kendo Nagasaki has never been more out-of-it! Kitoa has never
been more a lumbering fatboy! Takagi even I-I-I don’t recognize! So this,
of course, RULED. For one main reason- Tatsumi Kitahara is involved and
he rules it harder than hell. The fatboys from WAR start busting up Shunme
(beatme payme) Matsuzaki and- when Kitahara gets in- giants doses of pain
ensues as Kitahara starts in with the kicking to the face and shoulders
and stomach and punching and the hurting and the HEYHEYHEY! Kitahara eventually
comically SELLS for the horrible Kendo Nagasaki and the EVEN MORE HORRIBLE
Diakokubo Benkei and this match FINALLY starts blowing goats like you new
it would. Kishin Kawabata- the only wrestler on his side who doesn't actually
suck- sells for the horrible Koji Kitoa and then tries to make sense of
the lethargic and baffling "offense" of Osamu Tachihakari- the pock-marked
Romeo that puts the Romance in Wrestle and Romance. This turns into the
most listless
donniebrook in the history of listlessness as
they all kinda mill around kicking each other- and if watch it in regular
speed you will laugh out loud as Tachihakari goes as gently ballistic as
a lumbering galoot can go. Koji gets the pin with a Michinoku Driver Number
two- the only move they have in common. You need to see this. Well, maybe
YOU don't.
Shoji Nakamaki/Mitsuhiro Matsunaga/Jason the
Terrible/Masked GK vs. Great Pogo/Shadow WX/ Shadow Winger/ Shadow VII
(W*ING CRISIS BJW Big Born Death Match):
HEY! Matsunaga isn't afraid to rip his flesh
to shreds diving into a trampoline of barbed-wire for the viewing amusement
of the audience. This was too much walking around to be good and some of
the big spots were too clunky to be GARBAGE WRESTLING GOODNESS. They ones
that worked were the ones involving the fluorescent lights, the somersault
senton into the barbed wire trampoline by Matsunaga after Shadow WX gets
powerbombed into it, and the truly dippy Superbomb by Matsunaga and Jason
the Terrible of Shadow Winger onto the cactus that was laid across the
Bed O Nails. Everything else sucked. FMW did these things a whole lot better
because they tended to put a semblance of wrestling into it instead of
the tedious weak brawling and endless walking between spots. And let's
face it, it ain't gonna be Cactus Jack falling off a ladder onto barbed-wire.
These were just guys pretending to be wrestlers, not a true test of willpower
like a really cool garbage match. I've seen loads better garbage matches
than this and it didn't require as much crap strewn all over the arena.
Whatever happened to two men, some fire, a few spools of barbed-wire and
a desire to stick it all in a good blood-soaked brawl. Why make it so CREEPY?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
$$$$$ the phat ass love-engulfed SINGLES GOING
STEADY! $$$$$$
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Hulk Hogan vs. Antonio Inoki-NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING
6/2/83: (SCHNEIDER)
This was the finals of the first IWGP tournament
and one of the most influential matches in wrestling history, it also sucked,
but hey it's Hulk Hogan and Antonio Inoki- 1 + 1 = 2. Hogan is only slightly
balding and not nearly as gassed as his is now, he also has just a healthy
tan, not the now familiar sickly pumpkin orange glow. Inoki doesn't look
as fossilized as he looks now either. The match had a lot of classic Hulkster
mat wrestling, you remember- the drop toehold, and the hammerlock into
the headlock, that he would bust out every six months against Adrian Adonis,
to break the punch, punch, big foot, legdrop monotony. They do a knucklelock
sequence which Inoki breaks by kicking Hogan in his shriveled, steroid-ravaged
testicles. Hogan hits his running elbow (which was his finisher back then)
and Inoki basically no-sells it. Inoki hits his enziguri and Hogan nosells
that, dropping this match from mere mediocrity to total shit. Hogan also
hits a jumping knee which was so loose it made his butt brother Bruti's
look positively Tsurutian in comparison. They go to the outside and do
some lame brawling, with Hogan getting in the ring first, Inoki gets up
on the apron and Hogan hits him with a clothesline. Inoki falls off the
apron badly hitting his head and knocking
him silly. This changes the planned finish of
the match (which was Inoki going over) and gives Hogan the title. This
was the Hulksters first big win and leads to a push in the AWA, which of
course leads to ...Hillbilly Jim, Mr. T, Hulk Hogan's rock and wrestling
cartoon show, The Helmet with the fist, The Match and the Movie, identical
twin referees, the Piledriver album, Mean Gene Okerland in the ring, Hogan
beating the newly Iraqi Sgt. Slaughter, Yokozuna's four minute title reign,
Mr. Nanny, The Giant falling off the roof, The Renegade, Zodiac v. Hogan
headlining Starcade, Mr. T again, The Plot to Destroy Hulkamania, Ze Gangsta
and Jeep Swenson, Loch Ness, Hogan beats up the entire Dungeon of Doom,
The retirement of Ric Flair, "Where am I dude? There are no Hulkamaniacs
here", Dave Sullivan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan U.S. champ, the reviving elbow
drop, Age in a cage, Vincent, NWO Hollywood, Hogan slapjacks the entire
War Games, the mist of death, Jay Leno and all the other horribleness Terry
Bollea has infected the sport we love with. If Inoki knew how to fall correctly
we may have been spared the Hulksters Ebola like influence in the sport
of wrestling. Ahh the vagaries of fate
Dan Severn vs. Ken Shamrock, UFC 9, Detroit,
MI:
(NAIMARK)- Wrestling fans often confront me with
the same accusation: "Hey Mike, how can you say that you're a knowledgeable
no-holds-barred fan, yet refuse to recognize the gladiatorial brilliance
of WWF Superstars Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn?". Well, maybe they don't
say THAT exactly, but since my mom might read this some day, I'll refrain
from using the language of the thin-skinned Severn-heads and Sham-rockers.
In the past, I've explained at great length why I don't consider either
of these men to be anywhere near the elite level of international NHB.
In the future, I'll just insist that they watch this match from UFC9. If
a picture is worth a thousand words, then this 20 minutes of videotape
is the equivalent of the combined circulations of the New York Times and
Sports Illustrated, all bearing the same headline: "You Guys Stink!" Here's
the setup for this historic confrontation. Dan Severn, a multiple-time
amateur wrestling champion in the mid-1980s, made his no-holds-barred debut
in UFC4, where he was submitted by the Brazilian JiuJitsu wizard, Royce
Gracie, in a brilliant match which saw the much smaller Gracie frustrate
Severn by using his JiuJitsu "guard" (a defensive position where you fight
from your back with your opponent's hips between your legs) to keep Severn
off-balance and ultimately choke him out.. Gracie's win was his third UFC
championship without a loss, and for the next UFC show, Gracie was bumped
up to "Superfight" status, with only one match instead of being part of
the 8-man tournament. His opponent for UFC was none other than Ken Shamrock,
whom Gracie submitted in a flash in UFC1. What had Shamrock done to deserve
such a high- profile rematch? According to former UFC promoter Art Davie,
Shamrock had big muscles and looked like a fighter, so he got the nod.
So come UFC5, Severn rolled his way to his first and most impressive UFC
title, defeating future champion Oleg Taktarov on his way to victory. Shamrock
took advantage of his "Superfight" status by laying on top of Royce Gracie
for a staggering 30 minutes without attempting even one submission, lest
the 180lb Gracie make him squeal again. The match was ruled a draw to a
chorus of boos. UFC6 followed with a "Superfight" between Shamrock and
Severn. Severn complained of a fever prior to the match, but true to form,
he gave it his all in the Octagon. Shamrock caught Severn diving for a
double-leg takedown and clamped on a guillotine choke which caused Severn
to tap at around the 2 minute mark. Shamrock was now declared the UFC
"Superfight" champion, and went on to defend
his title at UFC7 against Oleg Taktarov (draw) and at UFC8 against Kimo
(submission via kneebar) before the rematch against Severn in Severn's
own backyard of Michigan. The fans were clearly rabid Severn partisans
who wanted to see their local hero avenge his loss to Ken Shamrock. Here's
what they got to see instead. As the fight starts, Shamrock and Severn
approach the center of the ring and adopt their fighting stance. Shamrock
carries his hands high, muay-thai style, while Severn keeps his fists open,
palms facing each other. Now to accurately understand what happens here,
I'll need some audience participation. Stand facing the computer monitor.
Now take a step 45 degrees to your left, and turn so that you are still
facing the monitor. Take another step 45 degrees to your left and again
turn to face what should now be the side of your monitor. Now repeat this
for 10 minutes. That’s the Shamrock v Severn match at UFC9. Thrilling,
ain't it? Two purported "elite" fighters, one a "submissions expert", the
other a grappling specialist, both so scared of the striking skills of
the other that they refused to even engage! Two of the worst strikers in
NHB, paralyzed by their own uncertainty and inadequacies into doing absolutely
NOTHING for 10 minutes. Finally, Severn manages to take Shamrock down with
a sloppy double-leg as time expires for the match. A 3-minute overtime
follows, and to the amazement of nobody, continues along the same dull
and listless path of circling. With about a minute left in overtime, Severn
shoots in and takes Shamrock down again and immediately begins flurrying
with weak chopping right hands to Shamrock's face (make a fist and pound
it on the table, judge-style. That’s the way Severn punches. This is NOT
proper striking technique once you finish elementary school). In this exchange,
Severn inadvertently pokes Shamrock in his eye, which swells it nastily
until it is nearly closed when the final bell rings to a chorus of boos.
So here's the judge's conundrum; this was a fight with very little actual
*fighting*, and a whole lot of running and hiding.
In typically American fashion, the judges decide that since Severn was
on top of Shamrock more than Shamrock was on top of Severn, Severn must've
won the fight. And so, Severn wins a judges decision, but despite his status
as the hometown boy, the crowd isn't impressed. Neither was I. And you
wouldn't be either, dear reader, if some maniacal fiend strapped you to
a seat in a movie theatre and forced you to watch this pathetic display
of pseudo-fighting, a la the Ludvidigo Technique popularized by the immortal
cinema classic, Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange. Believe me kids, rent
THAT movie instead of watching Slappy Severn and Ken "The Sham" go through
the motions in what may well be the worst NHB fight ever broadcast. When
you see Alex DeLarge and his three Droogs (that being Pete, Georgie, and
Dim, Dim being dim) get ready to scrap with knotty rockers or shiv or chain,
you know some malcheck is going to get tolchocked on the gulliver. Because
if you want to viddy some ultra-violence, you won't find it in Severn v
Shamrock II. You won't even find any decent fighting. Right right? Right
right.
$$$$$$$$$$$$ (I WON A COINTOSS WITH PHIL RIPPA
AND NOW I GET TO REVIEW) Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Greg Gagne, ALL JAPAN CLASSICS
#6- sometime after the sideburns and before the tie-dye tiny pants.
Big John Williams the Left Coast Ladies Man is figuring 1984; ALL JAPAN:
(RASMUSSEN)
Chapter 1: Jumbo Tsuruta looks across the ring
and says, "Joe (the ref), what the hell's going on here? Are WE wrestling
or something? Why is that Insurance salesman taking off his shirt? These
guys are getting irritating in the lengths they will take to get me to
buy term life-insurance. I tell them that Baba's taking care of me with
the 401K and the All Japan stock-options and everything." Joe says, "No,
Jumbo, THAT'S Verne Gagne's boy! He's your opponent." Jumbo retorts, "MAN,
those gaijin bastards at the AWA office MAKE ME SICK! They think JUST BECAUSE
I'M JAPANESE that I gotta be five foot three. Jesus Christ, I'm a kill
this little bastard dead as living hell. Those idiots..." Joe looks at
the Japanese legend with Those Joe Eyes Of Reason. "C'mon, Jumbo. He's
supposed to be a real player in the AWA and he's gonna carry them through
the next millenium. We'd better make him look good so we can make him a
credible challenger for the Triple Crown for when he becomes a huge international
star. Maybe he'll bring over Jake the Milkman Milligan for the Real World
Tag Tourney. I hear he's another up-and-comer." The affable Jumbo sighs
that lovable sigh of legendary company-manness. "Alright Joe. I'll let
him live this time. But after this match, I want you to promote Kikuchi
to the six-man matches so I can beat the living soup out of him for rest
of his pathetic existence." Joe laughs heartily. "You GOT IT, Jumbo."
Chapter 2: Jumbo Tsuruta and Joe the Ref enter
the Circuit City- the loud and garish display of
electromultimedialove being a total affront to
the legendary wrestler's stoic nature. "Hey, I wonder if I should get one
of these here Digital Video Players." Joe smiles to himself and retorts,
"Jumbo, you came in here to get a walkman so you can listen to your Kiss
CDs while you run. I'm here to keep you from buying something stupid. Remember
that Beta Player fiasco?" Jumbo laughed his hearty laugh. Meanwhile, as
the two chums are chatting, a sharp, shark-like Circuit City Senior Associate
takes off his shirt and greets the two Japanese visitors. "Hi, I'm Greg.
Can I help you with anything? Here, why don't we lock up in a Greco Roman
knuckle-lock." Jumbo glances out of the side of his eyes and cuts direct
to an equally suspicious Joe. "Actually, I was looking for a Walkman that
plays CDs." Jumbo's gargantuan hands engulf the puny hands of the Circuit
City Salesman of the Month June, 1986. Greg the salesman arches backwards
from the power of Jumbo. "Well, HERE'S a good solid model. It's a Sony.
It's an OFFICIAL "Walkman"- the original. You gotta go with the original
innovator, right?" Greg attempts to power up. Jumbo crushes him back to
the arch. "Well, I'm just gonna be using it when I do roadwork, which is
a couple of times a week so it's not a real big deal. You got anything
a little cheaper?" Greg squirms from the reinforcement of Jumbo's massive
power advantage. "CHEAPER? CHEAPER? You're Jumbo Tsuruta! You're the CHAMP!
You're an idol AROUND THE WORLD, am I right?" Miraculously, Greg powers
up as Jumbo nods in baffled agreement. "You got an image to keep up. You
NEED this Walkman AND this Panasonic BOOMBOX. The kids will think you're
even GINCHIER than they do now. Your boss is gonna want you to make sure
that your fans think that everything having to do with you and your company
is absolutely TOPDRAWER FROM THE GET-GO, RIGHT?" Jumbo is in the arch as
the puny Associate Gagne begins dominating the test of strength. Jumbo
can only nod in agreement. Greg, feeling the deal about to close, feels
the WILD urge to take a big risk. "And since this will be a considerable
investment in YOUR future quality entertainment, you HAVE to get this extended
warranty." Jumbo's eyes quickly snap out of the sales trance that Greg
Gagne had him in and he looks over to understanding and smiling face of
Joe the ref. Joe the ref looks to Gagne- who has the look on his face of
a man has just accidentally cursed in front of his grandmother. "Take this
home, Jumbo. We gotta get back. Rusher Kimura's cookout starts in forty-five
minutes." Jumbo gets to his feet and looks at Greg. "We'll take this Goldstar.
Hey, it's only 19.95!" He then powerslams the diminutive Loman-like Gagne
into the Graphic Equalizer display- killing the pasty heir to the Verne
Gagne legacy dead as living hell- and the two old friends head to the cash
register. An inquisitive Joe cocks a stare at Jumbo Tsuruta, his old friend
and also his Triple Crown Champion. "You got Love Gun on CD? We should
get that too." Jumbo laughs. "Joe. You are wild...."
NEXT WEEK: SOME JWP! JWP! AND MORE JWP! GAEA! NEW JAPAN! EMI~! IWA! BIG JAPAN! HOPEFULLY THAT RINGS MATCH THAT ALL THE BEDWETTERS ARE TINKLING ABOUT! WOO-HOO!
DEATH VALLEY PLAYBOYS.
“It’s just a fairy tale- and I don’t believe
in magic anymore, Jean.”
- Billy Bragg.