#$#$#$#$# GAEA G-PANIC!- GAORA TV- 10/2000
(DEAN RASMUSSEN)

This is the G-Panic! that followed the overly perfunctory DOUBLE DESTINY where all the youngsters went over.  Joshi Dorkdom Assembled whined about this show undoing all the good that Double Destiny show did- which is hilarious when you think that Double Destiny is the biggest show of the year in terms of attention showed to Joshi and Chigusa put every youngster over because she now wants every youngster and every veteran on an equal footing. She's got that now- what with her being the best booker in wrestling.  The booking of this period creates the fucking great matches that permeate the latest batch of GAEA.

Toshie Uematsu vs Toshiyo Yamada: Yamada has been instrumental in transforming Uematsue from failed injured high-flier to her current incarnation of fiesty little ass-kicker and Yamada has salvaged Uematsu's career because of it.  This is also the feud that got the Punch In The Face over as a finisher for everyone else so Chigusa gets holistic production from all aspects of the card.   This was 1:27 and sucked.

Mayumi Ozaki vs Chikayo Nagashima: I'm assuming this is a High Spurt Tournament as Oz starts off with a Northern Lights Bomb and Chikayo starts with a Northern Lights Bomb and they just kill each other for the first two minutes.  Then Oz no-sells a urican and hits a Tequila Sunrise Suplex for the win. This sucked also.

KAORU vs Sugar Sato: This is my fued of the last twelve months and this is the funnest.  Sugar Tenru Kicks KAORU in the face for a while until KAORU hits a sweet Rana for the transition.  She tries it again and Sugar turns it into a Powerbomb for the win.  This wasn't long and wasn't good.

Chigusa Nagayo vs Dynamite Kansai: Chigusa is on this weird good match streak and it looks like Kansai is finally back into fighting form- as this match is better than it should ever be.  Chigusa goes for submissions while Kansai gets into full Kansai Kick You Right In The Motherfucking Face mode and I'm in love with being in love yet still again.  Kansai hauls out all her big powermoves and Chigusa is up for the task of bumping to make it all look good- as Kansai's Lyger Bomb looks great and Chigusa takes Kansai's gnarly Backdrop Driver like a champ.  The ending is kinda botched when Chigusa and Kansai take a while to get Chigusa into position for Kansai's Niagra Driver.  Chigusa's Triangle Hold out of the Kansai Driver is the finish as memories of Yamazaki reach deep into the Japanese Wrestling psyche.

Meiko Satomura vs Devil Masami: I STILL can't figure out what happened to Devil Masami.  She looked thoroughly washed up 5 years ago.  Hell, I thought she sucked in the 1980s All Japan Women tapes I have.  For some reason, this year in GAEA, she has become a wrestling machine- a distaff Tenryu of the geriatric set.  I think Chigusa sat her down and said, "You are my idol and my best friend but you've GOT to start selling more."  I think that's the key, because this match would have sucked at any other point in her career, but fucking rules it now. The key to this little match is that it isn't Super Hell Devil Masami or listless and normal Devil Masami but Devil Masami the aging legend- a legend who can be beaten by the young crop of stars that GAEA has created. And that is why her matches are compelling now.  Here, she is assaulted by Satomura's high powered offense and takes five Death Valley Drivers in all.  As she reels under the onslaught, she fights and gets in a stiff as all hell Lariat here and a nasty Jumping Powerbomb there.  In this series of matches as sprints, Satomura goes for the kill Death Valley Driver after crushing Devil with two in succession.  A desperate Devil does a picture perfect roll-up out of a crucifix before Satomura can get her in position for the final Death Valley Driver and Devil gets the flash pin.  This was probably the best Nitro match in the history of GAEA- as Devil vs Meiko is as magical and far more surprising than Aja vs Meiko.  Psychology and storytelling- it makes GAEA the best promotion in the world even when they have throwaway matches like these.

Aja Kong vs Lionness Aska: Hey! Aja Kong is the best wrestler in the world.  Here, she is wrestling Lionness Aska, the best wrestler in the world.  Doing the math should lead one to think that this would be- of course- the best match in the world.  Well, this is too short to be that, but it is really great while it lasts. It's joined in progress, as Aja misses a toprope elbow to get Lionness into tableland, hitting highly contrived but really great looking double stomp off the top turnbuckle to the floor.  Lionness then hits the Iconoclasm on Aja- which looks pretty impressive what with all the weight involved. Aja kicks out of a Towerhacker Powerbomb attempt and hits a fabulous Brainbuster which leads into the gnarliest spot from 2001 yet- the Aja Kong Urican to the THROAT of Lionness.  For two.  Aja sits Lionness on the toprope and they punch each other in the face to get position.  Lionness tries to Sunset Flip into a powerbomb but Lionness doesn't get clearance and takes full brunt of Aja landing full-on right on her head. A couple of submission attempts later and the ten minute time limit is up.  So I guess this IS a High Spurt Tourney.  That would explain it.  Doesn't make it any less irritating.  I await a real match between these two, as the stiffness and ass-beating HINTED at in this points to something phenomenal.

Akira Hokuto vs Sonoko Kato: Akira Hokuto is back in wrestling shape and that's good to see- since she brings everything I like in wrestling to the table.  1:01.  Suck.

Meiko Satomura vs Saika Takeuchi: Hey! Takeuchi's first good match is against her future rival- Meiko Satomura and the push to the top for Takeuchi is going faster than one would suspect since the number one youngster in the promotion gives her tons of offense- including a neato Buff Blockbuster that Sonoko Kato must have given her.  Saika is all kicky and shooty and Meiko is all submissions and armbars as Saika tries to work for her finisher- the Tiger Suplex Hold. Meiko somersault kicks her in the face but Saika successfully fights out of the Death Valley Driver.  Meiko goes all Tully on her ass, raking her eyes across the toprope, but Saika fights  off of the top corner turnbuckle and hits a Tiger for two. After Meiko reverses out of her attempt at a key lock, Meiko sinks in the Cross-Armbreaker and it's all over.  Takeuchi is gonna be a good one. This is a good little match.

Hirota vs Sonoko Kato: She's dressed like Sonoko with really big thighs.  It's funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! BOY! This match doesn't end....

Chigusa Nagayo/ Toshie Uematsu vs Akira Hokuto/ Toshiyo Hamada: Akira and Toshiyo with the help of Lesbian Policeman maul Chigusa early.  Toshie makes with the plancha to kick the match into gear.  Yamada will STILL kick ya right in the motherfucking face and Uematsu takes one for the team after hitting a nice Wristlock Suplex into a Comical Lucha Submission.  Akira Hokuto cheats like a motherfucker to allow Yamada and LPM to beat the crap out of Chigusa's arm.  Chigusa gets the first transition by winning a deulling jumping spin kick and tags in Uematsu- who is beaten to a pulp by the wildly resurgent DANGEROUS QUEEN who is just blowing the roof off the Bitchometer.  Yamada does one those BEAUTIFUL half-ring flying full-extension kicks to the face and Toshie takes it like a QUEEN.  Akira Hokuto kills Chigusa on the mat and they finally reverse out of a kneebar into an STF into a Sleeper into a save by Yamada.  Chigusa goes back on offense by rolling into a modified kneebar.  Chigusa tries for a Death Valley Driver but Hokuto reverses it into a Strangle Hold Gamma.  Toshie Uematsu makes the save and Chigusa DVDs both to set up Uematsu's Second rope dropkick into two Double Wristlock Suplexes for a nearfall.  Yamada is the weak link as Toshie keeps going for two-counts until Toshhie misses a big Punch To The Face that Yamada counters with a REALLY Big Punch To The Face.  Toshie escapes and they go to this finish where Chigusa is Superplexing Akira and she ends up landing on Yamada who has just been kicked in the shoulder by Toshie Uematsu.  Chigusa then lariats Akira into Lesbian Policeman and Toshie Uematsu gets the pin on Yamada with a Dragon Suplex.  Postmatch, Lesbian Policeman is fucking HEAT MACHINE as she hides behind Akira Hokuto to taunt Chigusa.  The crowd is molten as Chigusa does every face trick to lure the heel into the ring.  Knowing Chigusa's love of gimmick matches, I see a Five Minutes With The Policeman match on the horizon.  Fabulous match though.  Yamada is so good in her role as ass-kicker and she can still do a flying kick every now and then to remind you of how great she was before her body broke down.  Her and Uematsu in the ring is compelling as you see Yamada try to instill what was great in Yamada's style into her protege.  Uematsu will never be as graceful in her ass-kicking as Yamada was, but she could definately assume the role of Toughest Vixen In GAEA like Yamada was the Toughest Vixen In AJW way- hangin with the stiffness of Hotta back when.

Mayumi Ozaki/ Devil Masami vs Chikayo Nagashima/ Sugar Sato: MAAAAAAAN!  This match fucking RULES. Ya'll know the backstory of Sugar and Chikayo turning on GAEA to go with OZ and then the shocking turn on OZ two years later.  They play up the hate and the fun ensues.  Through Devil Masami wrestling IN THE ZONE as of late and you have a match that kicks as much ass as this one.  The first few minutes is Mayumi Ozaki slapping around her former charges that she tops off with her powerbombing Chikayo into the turnbuckle.  Devil comes in and crushes Chikayo's skull with a Fujiwara headbutt but Chikayo takes out her knee when Devil goes for a lariat.  Chikayo goes to the toprope but Devil catches her so Chikayo grabs her arm and gets Devil in a Triangle Hold as Devil is draped over the toprope with Chikayo stretched out to the outside of the ring with her shoulders on the apron- a sort of modified Tarantula.  Devil counters by Mayumi Ozaki dropkicking Chikayo in the face as she is upside down- in what was one my favorite spots of the year so far. Sugar hoists Devil all the way over the toprope and the fight hits the floor. Sugar goes straight to the "West" sign again and the brawling is perfunctory.  They drag Chikayo into the ring and Devil goes hogwild with the powermoves.  Chikayo fights out of a powerbomb and Devil does a good Fuerza Guerrera impersonation as Chikayo does a Rana into a roll-up for two. Sugar comes in and gets hit with a big Lariat by Devil but catches Devil with the help of Chikayo as Devil is on the toprope.  Devil- who for some reason will bump like a motherfucking FREAK these days- takes a Toprope Superplex from Sugar.  Sugar misses the Toprope Tenryu Elbow and Devil hits a Jumping Powerbomb for two.  Oz comes in and Sugar kills her with a Tenryu straight Kick To The Face.  Sugar hits her swanky Rotation Powerbomb but has to tag out.  Oz fights out a Northern Lights Bomb but succumbs to a Cross Armbreaker as she tries a Urican.  Devil kills Chikayo will a legdrop for the save.  Chikayo and Oz trade Northern Lights Bombs until OZ turns one into a NASTY looking DDT.  They go into nearfall-save mode until Devil gets backdropped to the floor by Sugar. Chikayo kicks out of a Oz Running Powerbomb after Oz survives a Northern Lights Bomb.  Chikayo fights out of the finishing Running Powerbomb and as she is about to rool her up, Sugar punches OZ in the face while at a sprint and Chikayo gets the pin.  This match FUCKING RULES.  Chikayo is all over this in the inventive spots that lead to weird reversals and into a really cool nearfalls.  Devil is fucking baffling in her sudden goodness.  Oz is heading back to the Best In The World designation with matches like this. I dunno.  I just also REALLY love that the major catalyst in most GAEA matches is who can throw the best looking punch to the face.  This is SOOOOOO much what I fucking love in wrestling.  Postmatch is fucking great as the punx talk shit and the Bridge Ladies get their bloomers in a wad.  GAEA fucking rules the whole goddamn world.
   
 
 

@#@#@#@#@#@ THE HEROES OF WRESTLING PAY-PER-VIEW- 10/1999- CASINO MAGIC- MISSISSIPPI
(DEAN RASMUSSEN)
CRZ sent me this as sort of a dare- as I am taking a little trip to wrestling horror as I you may recall that I supped deep the stinky crappy Bandits and Bodyguards which turned out to not suck nearly as much dick as I was led to believe.  Hope springs eternal again with this- the hideous, unwanted PPV of the late 90s. Young Christopher wanted to keep me on the hideous roll so he sent me this backed up with hours upon hours of New Zoo Revue- a childrens show from the late 60s, early 70s that featured Emmyjo- a mini-beskirted instructional supervixen that would have a big influence on what would summon the wood for the rest of my life.  For some reason, in Sunnyvale, California, they show hour upon hour of it every morning- as California is dichotmy of wonderful vintage children's programming grouped with rolling blackouts and mudslides.  A bittersweet geographical conundrum indeed.

I fast forwarded through all THE PROMOS~! and listened to all the stoner rock I've downloaded this week, so it's all about WORKRATE WORKRATE WORKRATE!  YEAH, DADDY!

Samoan Swat Team vs. Marty Janetty/Tommy Rogers: The Samoan Swat Team were really good workers back in the late 80s in NWA if I remember my Monday nights at Kip Dawkins house back in the day when we would watch all the weeks wrestling while fast forwarded through the nine Alka-Seltzer commercials that permeated WCW Saturday Night in the time of yore.  Jannetty is still a decent worker and Tommy Rogers is still a fucking GREAT worker wso I have high hopes. First thing you notice is that the SST are a lot fatter now than in 1989, but- FUCK!- Sweet Jiminy Crap knows that I'm a lot fatter too- so this is becoming like a empathetic thing.  Are the SST a shell of themselves like I am a shell of my self, or are they intrinsically good like I am intrisically good?  Are they wilier in their Gone To Seed late thirties? Did they learn anything or are they just holding onto memories?  Well, lucky for them they have the advantage of having Tommy Motherfucking Rogers bumping all over the ring for them.  I personally have so many Tommy Rogerses in my life covering for my old fat ass that I shouldn't say anything about the poor fat SST. Actually, lets say this- the SST were too fat to not blowup but they did make it a watchable match as they only OBVIOUSLY too fat to bump a couple of times.  They kept this short to avoid Efibulation Driver '91.  Janetty bumped his ass off to make this work.  Rogers is wasted as merely the guy who finds out that we fat Polynesians have really hard heads.  And we all have huge penises too.  Didn't know that one,did ya?  Yep.  We all gotta reg-lar hogleg.

They have this disturbing series of vignettes were George the Animal Steele is sniffing around Sherri Martel.  I try to figure out if Steele's or Martel's mounting face would be more deeply psychologically scarring.

Greg Valentine vs. George Steele: The Hammer goes waaaay back in my wrestling fandom.  I remember his first year in Mid-Atlantic when Number One Paul Jones (the eternal crowd favorite before donning the red Vegas outfit and managing mediocre stables)called him "Babyfat" Valentine to the fans' delight.  I remember he and Flair being eternal Mid-Atlantic tagteam champions.  His style was important in shaping my appreciation of stiffness and making everything look legit.  He never exposed anything when I saw him live as a kid, so I have good memories of the Hammer and hated the fuck out of Vince McMahon when he ended making him half of Rhythm and Blues.  It was sacrilege and fuck Vince for doing it.  Hell, I remember the motherfucking great Johnny Valentine before the plane crash.  Watching Johnny Valentine go 20 minute George Two Ton Harris on TV was a joy, I can't imagine how good he was in the 60s. FLASH!  Steele lays in the corner with his shirt over his head as Sherri turns on him.  Valentine kicks him lightly for a while then Steele gets up and IT'S ON! Valentine starts jabbing him with a spoon as they show DISTURBING close-ups of Greg's cottage cheese-packed thighs as they show it being hidden in his tights.  After a few of pooptacular nothing by either, Sherri hits Steele in the back with a chair and Valentine gets the win.  Steele throws Martel over the toprope to remind you that Martel was a one-time great bumpfreak who was stuck in the stupid USA in her prime. This definately sucked as much as the hype said it would.

Julio Fantastico vs. Too Cold Scorpio:Fantastico is underwhelming any time I've ever seen him and this was WELL after the two year flirt with greatness that Scorpio had carrying every motherfucker in ECW and was well into the gigantic slump he had after getting lethargic in the WWF. This is gut-wrenchingly horrible.  They did really good job of not showing up Nikolai Volkoff, George Steele or King Kong Budny's match as they keep it lowgrade and basic.  They AAA the highspot and nothing in the ring is going very well.  Scorp tries to settle him down and tries to get into the right position for Fantastico- who tries to acquit himself by bumping like a freak and he does hit big a few times. I dunno.  The whole thing was clunky and half-assed. This was a lot like that PPV match between Doug Furnas and Masato Tanaka- though I thought Fantastico and Scorp spoke the same language.  Scorp goes way long on the Tumbleweed and luckily- for young Julio- doesn't land anywhere near his head.  They show a replay of the missed finisher for some reason.  This would be the second best match so far.

Iron Sheik/Nikolai Volkoff vs. Bushwackers: Ah yes, the four oldest farts on the PPV.  The Bushwackers used to be great as the evil and blood-drenched Sheepherders in the UWF. They were in the first barbed-wire match I ever saw and they were sincerely hardcore and evil. Nikolai Volkoff was Gedo Mongol and was scary when I was a kid when he was managed by laff-riot Professor Boris Malenko.  Iron Sheik had a good match against with Bob Bachlund for the WWWF title that I saw and he did some cool suplexes a long time ago.  This was horrible.  You'd think with 120 years of combined ring experience, you'd come up with something better than this.  God, lose the horreendously shitty clotheslines (Volkoff was trying to protect from tearing his bicep, I guess) and whip out the blade you old fux.  This is possibly the shittiest display of wrestling ever taped.  Volkoff should have shot up some more embalming fluid before the match started. (Jiminy fucking Christmas.  I need a break from this shit.  TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER AND AFTER WATCHING THE BALLS TO THE MOTHERFUCKING WALL SUGAR/ NAGASHIMA vs DEVIL/ OZAKI tag match...) Ah, that's better.  It was gonna turn into a pathetic analytical beating of old guys who obviously know that they can barely remember when their prime was- so I'm glad I took a day off this tape to get my bearings.  Volkoff is really old and must be brittle because he tries to bump a little and seems concerned about breaking something which is kinda sad and makes me WANT this match to be better.  Cousin Luke takes a weird bump flying sideways into the corner- which would be the highlight of the match. Ah, I can't get mad at this match. These guys are fucking 60 years old.  This match was about as good as you would expect from four guys who were never great workers in their primes who are now in their 60s and wrestling in a match.

(INSERT: Phil Schneider called me and said that he heard in the chatroom that- prematch- Tully Blanchard CUTZ A PROMO~! that I need to hear.  So I will now go back and listen to it. WAIT HERE. Okay.  Tully says the only reason you were a world champion, Stan Lane, is because you were Bobby Eaton's partner... and then he gets all great as he talks about ten years of hatred coming to the surface- hatred for Dusty Rhodes, for Jim Herd, for everybody who signs the contracts for WWF and WCW, for anybody who screwed him.  He must a king-sized preacher these days because it's no longer a WRESTLING PROMO~! and sounds more like the old days when a wrestler would emulate the diction of a preacher. I'll take "intense" over "funny" or "extreme" anyday when it comes to wrestling. That was the beauty of the Four Horsemen and Dusty Rhodes and that whole ilk of wrestling oratory.  The reason you need to fear wrestlers that want to go into politics is because the only people who give a shit about oratory skills are preachers and pro wrestlers.)

Stan Lane vs. Tully Blanchard: HEY! Tully!  Tully looks all trim and in shape.  Stan Lane has this hair that looks he bleached a JFK hairpiece off the album cover of NEW TRADITIONALISTS by DE-vO. Tully wrestles face and Lane cheats in an Old School way.  Tully goes all 1982 highflying early with the hiptoss and the dropkick on the kneeling Lane after Lane hits a weirdly stiff-looking Lariat.  They take it to the floor and Tully does the heel spot of taking the Atomic Drop into the corner post.  They cut away from a toprope axe handle and begin this really weird production thing of cutting away from a good little Old School Southern match to show these close-ups of the most plain women in all of Mississippi. Stan Lane hits a nice Reverse Neck-breaker and gets a Cobra Clutch in after Tully- who always threw great punches- lands one. Lane oversells it just like Arn Anderson would have.  Lane with a Hotshot and the Memphis Middle Rope Jump n Sit that leads to a Russian Leg Sweep for two.  Tully punches back to transition and sends Lane to the floor.  Lane flies into the rail and stumbles a bit as Tully procures the Figure Four on the floor until Lane rakes the eyes to escape.  Lane crawls back into the ring and Tully procures the Sleeper hold that Lane escapes by driving Tully's face into the bottom turnbuckle.  Lane on offense goes for a piledriver but Tully powers out. Lane hits on a Vertical Suplex and they do the Double Pin Of Irritation with TULLY~! getting his shoulder up.  FUCK THE WORLD.  This was good.  Except the ending.  But FUCK THE WORLD.  That ending sucked in a 1983 kinda way which is a good thing considering.  Tully fucking ruled back in the day and he had enough in the tank in 1999 to have the best match on this PPV.  Lane looked perfectly fine in this also.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Abdullah the Butcher vs. One Man Gang: Hmmmm.  Abdullah is good if he's in Puerto Rico and it's 1979.  Twenty years later, he's in with One Man Gang who I can honestly say I've never been a fan of.  He looked great in that SPWF calendar and he WILL bleed like a fucking stuck pig so if this was in Roberto Clemente stadium it would have a promise of at least being a repulsive bloodbath.  It aint' so it ain't.  Abdullah has a distinct possibility of tripping over his own gigantic rack.  OMG kinda chokes Abby a while with a chain.  Abby starts spewing blood and my heart is warmed. They take it to the floor and OMG starts posting Abby so Abby does the suddenly AWESOME bladejob and I'm beginning to love this match.  OMG keeps kicking him in the scar tissue and it's becoming a one-half Dory Funk in All Japan blade job.  Abby goes on offense and the forks comes into play.  Abby begins enjoying the sweet taste of his own delicious blood to distract the audience from OMG ripping his own forehead open.  Jesus, this is two fat guys with a lot of blood to give and becomes REALLY repulsively GREAT.  Kids in the audience are in shock.  Hell, I was in shock when I was ten and saw BlackJack Mulligan piledrive Mr. Wrestling Tim Woods on the concrete and Mr Wrestling's white mask became completely red, blood spewing out of my heroes head as my other hero had a smirk of hatred painted on his face as he tried to kill young tim Woods.  It's a hard world, kids.  Sometimes people die.  Sometimes people just bleed a whole fucking boatload.  This delivered as much blood as it would have in Puerto Rico which is all ANYONE could ask of this match.  They blow plasma all the way to the back and I join the throng in appreciation of two over the hill guys delivering the only goods they can deliver and delivering it in spades. MILLION JILLION STARS.

Bob Orton vs. Jimmy Snuka: HEY!  Both of these guys were world class great wrestlers at one time.  Jimmy is all jiggly in this.  I remember when I was eleven and lived in Arkansas.  My best friend Oscar was telling me about the last nights Texas wrestling because it came on kinda late and I would fall asleep before it came on.  He was telling me about this really great wrestler they had named Jimmy Snooka.  He was from FEE JEE!  He said he jumped really high off the corner and landed on his opponent (my guess, Al Madrill).  I was interested of course- what with Ox Baker killing guys with the heart punch and non-Von Erich good guys being so scarce.  I will NEVER forget the next Saturday night when I first saw the Super Fly splash.  Snuka instantly replaced Rocky Johnson as my favorite wrestler ever to wrestle in Texas.  It was a great time to be eleven. And I'm 34 now.  Bob Orton Jr is even older than Snuka.  This match is fine though.  They start with a bunch of roll-ups.  Orton hits a fucking GREAT High Vertical Suplex as Jimmy is still not afraid to bump. Orton starts driving his knee into Snuka's back and adds insult to injury hitting a backdrop for two.  Orton concentrates on the arm with an armbar with a twist and knee to the elbow joint. Orton works up to the shoulder and starts reigning down blows to keep Snuka from getting to his vertical base. It's fucking brilliant.  Orton does really big swings and lays the punch in while Snuka sells it like he was an all-time great.  Orton goes to a keylock.  Snuka reaches the ropes and Orton starts punching him in the face and starts jawing with the rubes at ringside. Man, Orton needs to run a five week seminar for up and coming wrestlers on how to throw a punch because his fucking rule.  Snuka goes on offense by hitting a headbutt and Orton tries to get back with a headlock but gets shot into the ropes and they both collide with Orton landing on top for a two count.  Snuka kicks out and goes up for the Super Fly Splash but Orton blocks him and crotches him on the ringpost to set up his Superplex.  Snuka holds onto the ropes to block.  Orton rolls through the ropes and goes to take a swing at Lou Albano which allows Snuka to hit a flying cross-body off the top for the pin.  This was every match I ever saw with Dick Murdock in it from 1976 to 1983. Okay, why did this PPV supposedly suck?

Jim Neidhart vs. Jake Roberts: Oh yeah, this is why this PPV sucks. Jake is absolutely tanked as it appears he couldn't go one whole day without drinking a fifth of grain and rambles at length about...something.  Jim The Anvil Neidhart comes in and he really sucks but doesn't seem to be pathetically drunk, so there you go.  Jake Roberts is fucking PAISTED as he wanders to the ring, puts Damien in the ring and wanders to the back. Jake wanders back without a shirt on, looking for all the world like a COPS special guest and picks out a lucky middle aged woman from Mississippi to rub his nipples.  Jake looks like he about to summon the earl as he locks up.  Poor Niedhart.  They lock up again and Niedhart has to try to do SOMETHING. After a while, Jake pulls Damien out of his bag and pretends it's his dick!  Ah Jake, you classy classy drunk. It really doesn't get more pathetic than this.  This is Dexter Manley sleeping on Houston streetgrates-level pathetic.  Jake and Niedhart flop around as Bundy comes out I guess to make sure the spiders attacking Jake don't get out of hand.  It's two on one for a while until the Yokozuna shows up to make it all the more pathetic and creepy. Bundy is sober, Neidhart is the "worker" of the match, Yokozuna is obviously too morbidly obese to ever be anywhere near a ring and Jake is having another lost weekend.  I guess the hero of this wrestling match is King Kong Bundy. At least Bundy is the one who goes over in this gut-wrenchingly hideous match.

I dunno.  Drug addiction is a disease and all, so I feel for Jake in that sense.  I gotta wonder what the fuckheads who put this PPV together were thinking when the let him get on the stick and then get in the ring.  If I were everyone else involved, I would be pissed because this wouldn't have been a bad PPV if not for the embarrassment of the great Art of Professional Wrestling that was the main event.  Shit, if Phil Mushnick really wanted to stop wrestling in it's tracks, he would distribute tapes of the Main Event of this PPV and the Mass Transit incident to every major media outlet. I'm gonna watch some New Zoo Review and try to remember the good times of the undercard.