CMLL AT THE GREENSBORO COLISEUM (9/11/2004)
DR: DEAN RASMUSSEN. I could make it back to Richmond by blowing 4 truckers, Alex.
TKG: TOM KARRO-GASSNER. Don’t switch the blade on the man in shades.
PAS: PHIL SCHNEIDER
TKG: Show up at Phil’s surprisingly awake and cogent. The mysterious benefactor drops off the car for us to use and tells amusing stories about how Canek got into the buisness. And we’re off to Dean’s new place, which according to Dean is easy to get to.
DR: I show Phil and Tom the places in my house where a man who had previously lived in my house had obviously thrown his wife through the wall in a couple places. My seven year old comes into the house and I remind Phil that he is now the oldest motherfucker on the face of the earth- as he was going to meet me in Fairfax to see Sabu wrestle the day my wife’s water broke. I drive to Greensboro in Phil’s questionably legal car and I await four condoms filled with heroin to bounce onto route 288 from the left front wheelwell.
PAS: I imagine that the house will have all new holes when Rodney starts tossing Dean through walls. That kid is gigantic.
DR: The card is part of the Central Carolina Fair and we are suitably stoked. We then make the worst dining decisions ever made by anyone- fuck- at a FAIR. The corndogs were good. We meander to the fried desert van and I’m all over the funnel cake with strawberry goo on it. Tom and Phil opt to get the fried Oreos and Phil wanders off to take a call on his cell. I stand with Tom as we watch the scabby-handed, syphillitic carney dip his fingers in the batter and toss the oreos into the boiling vat of oil. I notice that EN LIEU of washing his hands, he is instead dipping them in this pool of tepid water by the sink and then wiping them off with a towel. Phil joins us and we all watch him dip all of Phil’s cookies and I feel the urge to tell them that all the fourteen year Carolina jailbait wandering the fairground has got to have forced our chef to jack off behind the ferris wheel and returned to dip the oreos. Tom, being Tom, says, “Obviously, anything would be killed by the boiling grease.” And the fact that there was a good chance crusted flakes off a carney’s scrotum were combined with the deep-fried Oreo treat did not keep me from trying one. Mmmmmm, scabby…..
TKG: C’mon Dean stop kidding yourself. All food purchased at a State fair has remnants of carny cum on it. At least this was fried.
PAS: I was making poor choice after poor choice. Those Oreos did bad bad things.
HECTOR VELOZ/ JOKER/ JESSE ORTEGA vs. BRAD ATTITUDE/ MITCH NORRIS/ KRAZY K:
DR: I was diggin Mitch Norris because a.) he seemed like an actual dick when confronting the crowd and b.) he worked almost as stiff as Pierroth, which I dig. Hurricane Hector Veloz (if he was fabulously be-racked pseudo-Puerto Rico Midcard looking guy) had the most fabulous technico comeback and was fun- though I don’t believe my fellow travelers were as enamored.
TKG: I’m guessing Hector Veloz was the guy who layed out the match. Although I really can’t remember anything he did, it really felt like he was holding the thing together. Mitch Norris looked like
PAS: This wasn’t objectively good or anything, but was really paced like a lucha opener. Early exchanges, comedy spots, dive trains, they even did a star. OMEGA promoter Thomas Simpson came out as the manager of the rudos, and called the crowd maricones, which has a pot kettle black quality to it. Krazy K isn’t very good but isn’t afraid to take some nasty bumps.
PRINCESA SUGEITH vs. KRISSY VAINE:
DR:I pretty useless reviewing this because Princesa Sugeith looks exactly like my high school girlfriend- if my high school girlfriend wore a mask. Everything else- height, bumpin’ booty, athletic ability (my old girlfriend was a gymnast), hair color- was precisely the same. Krissy Vaine should study tapes of Brandy Alexander – as she seems like she could generate true Southern heat with a few more applications of the tricks of the trade. She needs to never do a legdrop again, but I had no beef with this match other than that. Tom gets baffled by Sugeith’s flesh-colored tights when she is suplexed by Vaine and we laff and laff and laff- as Tom I guess figured Princesa was morbidly obese at some point and had all this loose skin that Krissy Vaine could grab to take her up for a suplex.
FELINO/MAGNO vs. AVERNO/MEPHISTO
DR: This was the first time I had seen Felino live and he is soooo fucking awesome- just fast and graceful and just world class luchadore that makes the trip worth it.. This match was fucking beautiful. Averno and Mephisto should send a tape of this to every wrestling school in North America on how to carry a green technico because Magno so the fifth best Mano Negro Jr ever. Mephisto has the most skull-splittingly awesome mask ever- with the single row of black spikes from front to back against the fire red mask. Awesome.
CANEK/REY ESCORPION vs. PIERROTH JR/FISHMAN JR
DR: Pierroth is like Sonic Youth to me now. I saw Sonic Youth live in 1985 and they were so fucking great live that anything I heard recorded by them just completely paled in comparison. Pierroth live is just a fucking revelation. You can understand why he main events in some of the biggest arenas in North America. He is just a fucking MAN. His brawling was comparable to ANYTHING ever to happen in the Greensboro Coliseum’s illustrious history and that’s why it wasn’t a travesty that there were only 220 or so people in the sacred wrestling shrine. Pierroth WAS Wahoo McDaniel beating Canek with a belt and beating the fuck out of Escorpion two feet in front of us in the stands.
DR: Afterwards, we walk out to the fair and LTD is playing. I was stoked because I thought it was Peaches and Herb but then they did “Back In Love Again” and it all made sense. We drive all over Greensboro and Burlington looking for a place to eat. We go the Sagebrush in Burlington and we have the most attentive waiter in the Carolinas and remember how repulsive Tom and Phil’s table manners are. I have the pulled pork and the Eastern Carolina hot sauce was lacking. Luckily there was a choice of six, so it was all good.
DR: As we left, Tom forgot his credit card so me and Phil ponder leaving him and betting to see how many truckers he would have to blow to get back to Richmond. Tom’s been around the block. I say 3. Then we had a very disturbing conversation about never questioning a woman’s word if she SAYS she’s female. That’s really all you want to know about that.
DR: This was great fun. CMLL should tour the East Coast doing sold fair shows. There really is no comparison to going somewhere with Tom and Phil. So much laughing. So much pooing.